Yes, I'm lazy, but seriously, music sucks.

There's always someone out there claiming that music is still good, you just have to go out there and find it.  No, music is shit.  Here's why.

Usually, when someone is complaining about that, they're talking about a time when they could turn on the radio or videos and not be completely repulsed by the gyrations of some tattooed 19 year old, or the repetitive house music beats that are passed off as music today.  Maybe the subject matter of these kids is what does it, since everyone who is signed today is lauded as some voice of a generation and everyone is impressed because they write their own songs.  But this is stupid, because what teenager has anything of worth to say?  Think back to when you were 19 and those same idiot thoughts that you had are the same ones that these kids have, except theirs involve an iPhone.

The point is, radio acted as a gatekeeper to what was good.  True, not everything good made it onto the radio, but you could trust the radio to play good stuff.  You could listen to the radio have still have good taste in music.  That isn't true today.  After all, Kanye West is considered a deep lyricist.  This foolishness has to stop.

And that's when that person from before would say that you have to find the good music.  Therein lies the problem.

Finding the good music requires listening to all of the bad stuff to find the good stuff.  And that shit is for suckers.  Maybe you'll get to some through word of mouth, maybe you'll read about someone on the internet.  But word of mouth and internet articles aren't dependable, because they are the same ones telling me that Beyonce makes good music and I know in my soul that this is a lie.  And without radio play, you'll have to actually risk your mental state playing a bunch of artists that you don't know in a vain attempt to find something you like.  That means I'm invariably going to wind up listening to a 2 Chainz song, and I don't think that's right.

I'm a 34 year old man.  I no longer have the energy to give everyone a chance.  I could do that when I was 24, and that's why I own a Memphis Bleek CD.  And when you don't know an artist, that means you don't know what the single is, so you can't just jump right to the good stuff.  The way my mind works, you have to start and the beginning and just listen until something grabs your attention.  I like to give people a fair shot and I understand that not everyone is going to grab you right at the top.  For instance, I'm a Jay-Z fan.  Except for "Reasonable Doubt," I never play the first two songs on any of his CDs.

So unless you have infinite time and patience (I have neither), or you're into today's musical trends (I am not), you can't afford to get eight songs into a Big Sean mixtape before accepting that this kid is terrible.  The last time I went into something cold and it worked out was when my friend Robert dropped Little Brother's "The Minstrel Show" onto my desk.  That was 2006. And even that, it wasn't until "We Got Now" that they clicked with me.  That's the last song on the CD.  They were my favorite group and I devoured their entire catalog after that.  But at the time, I had to go through 17 songs before they made an impression.  

Now, maybe it's me, because I'm sure it didn't take 17 songs before people decided that they liked Little Brother.  It didn't take me 17 songs to realize they were good.  I knew that right off the top.  But for that CD to get into me, where I had to hear it again and again?  17 songs.  But that's what I'm looking for, something that I want to hear again and again.  Anyone can do competent, non-offensive music, but I need for the music to leave an impression.  I'm not the kind of person who plays music just to have sound in the room.  I want to feel the music.

Since I can't invest in everything the way I want to and I can't trust the radio to play something that's good, I'm just kinda lost out there, occasionally discovering something new by accident.  When I heard Murs or Hollyweerd for the first time, it was just dumb luck.  That same dumb luck is what made me download Lil' Wayne's "Dedication 4," and that's a decision I regret every day.  The best I can hope for is people around me who listen to good shit, and here lately, their record isn't looking very good. 

Finally Famous Vol. 3 Micro Review

I got about eight songs in on Big Sean's Finally Famous Vol. 3 mixtape before I had to stop. This is all I heard:

"I'm so clean, I'm so clean. BITCHES. I slept with your girlfriend. MONEY. I'm from Detroit, I'm from Detroit. DETROIT."

I have no hope for the future.

Rappers: Quit pretending you're friends

Am I the only person who's sick of the rappers who had beef last year making songs together and pretending to be friends this year? Like I'm supposed to believe that they're really enjoying each other's company. When Jay-Z and Nas made "Black Republicans," they both sounded so stiff that they I was almost certain that they were in the studio together. Ludacris and T.I. would have you believe that they were excited about the prospect of making "Wish You Would." I'm not saying that they should keep beefing, but just because they squashed the beef doesn't mean that their respective fans want them to get on a meaningless song together. No one was clamoring for a Jadakiss/Beanie Sigel song, trust me.

Did Kool Moe Dee and LL Cool J ever do a song together? 'Pac and Big (after the beef started)? Gangstalicious and Eat Dirt? Then why do all these rappers feel like they need to hold hands on wax to squash the beef, especially when we can all tell that they still don't like each other? The seventeen of you who saw "Belly" know that Nas isn't a very good actor, which is why he wasn't able to hide the fact he'd rather stab Jay-Z in the neck than rap with him. Nas was probably still mad that Jay-Z was his boss. It probably gave Jay-Z heartburn to defend Nas against the rumors that his album was late.

If they really want me to believe that they're cool, then how about a heartfelt apology instead of a generic song? I don't know what the fuck "Black Republicans" was supposed to be about, but I'm smart enough to understand Jay-Z saying, "Nas, I'm sorry that I ran all up in your baby mama, then made a song about it." I can understand LL Cool J saying, "Canibus, I'm sorry that I killed your career before your own subpar talent had a chance to." But instead of that, I gotta settle for Luda and T.I. pretending like they did something worthy of the history books by cranking out a song together.

Only rappers feel the need to make a statement like this, but I really wish they'd just stop. It's not like it's a real collaboration of any kind, because it's just rap music. It's not like the rappers are really combining their styles to create some hybrid form of music. I'm supposed to be impressed because one rapper decides to rap on two verses instead of three? You're not making any kind of statement. Hell, the artists on SoundClick do that and they don't even share studio time.

You know what would impress me? If Guns N' Roses got back together. If Dave Mustaine and Jason Newsted made another album with Metallica. Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan winning the tag team titles. Jay-Z and R. Kelly finishing their tour. Those things would require some repairing of a relationship, at the least. Two rappers pretending to like each other for a couple of hours in the studio means nothing because they've mastered the art of being fake. They've been pretending to be insane, crack smuggling, murdering crime bosses for years. For all we know, the label made them do it.

So just stop talking about each other if you want to end your beef. You're not thrilling anyone and we've got more than enough generic music. If that's the best you can do, I'd rather you kept on beefing with each other, because at least i know you'll come with your best instead of half-assing it like you're doing now.