When My Hero Failed: Hulk Hogan

April 2, 1990. I was three days shy of 12 years old. At that time, two of the most popular wrestlers in the world were Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. One man was a true hero, in every sense of the word. The other claimed to be a hero, but later would become a purveyor of a betrayal most foul. Sorry, but I spent the day reading old Thor comics. These two men were about to face each other on the grandest stage of them all. Two titles on the line. One winner. One loser. And one man would walk away with my allegiances. And a good amount of my allowance.

Warning: Parts of this story may be wholly imagined.

It just the year before that I saw my first WWF Pay-Per-View. My parents bought it for me for my birthday, and I had almost missed it because I spent that weekend in North Carolina with my grandmother. And this is back when they showed PPVs during the day. It was Wrestlemania V. Hulk Hogan was challenging "Macho Man" Randy Savage for the WWF Championship. I remember being so worried for Hulk Hogan, that he wouldn't win the title. Savage began a theme in this match that continued into every Hogan/Savage match forever: Savage worked Hogan over pretty good. Religiously.

Yet somehow, Hogan came back and won the match. To paraphrase Gorilla Monsoon, he became impervious to pain. Just like he always did on Saturday morning TV. Well, the rare Saturday morning that he would actually wrestle. Back then, actually seeing the man wrestle was an event. And when I did, a funny thing would happen: after he came back and won the match, I would go outside to play, and I, too, became invincible and felt like I could do anything, just like Hulk Hogan did. It was similar to what Eddie Murphy was talking about with Italian guys and Rocky. Only, I was black. And Hulk Hogan kicked Rocky's ass. I think somehow, he managed to send the Power of Hulkamania through the TV.

So back then, I was a die-hard Hulkamaniac. My parents never got me the clothing, and I never was strong enough to tear my shirts off, but I watched his cartoon, I quoted his lines, bought his toys, and memorized all his moves and mannerisms. I would accept the lies he would tell in every interview he ever gave. I mean, I knew that the earth wasn't really going to open up and swallow Andre the Giant. But it was okay for him to lie like that, because Hulk Hogan was God's favorite wrestler. So, back then, it was all Hulk Hogan and He-Man. I was so caught up in Hulkamania that I was well into my teens before I could admit to myself that "No Holds Barred" was one of the worst movies I had ever seen. I'd still watch it, though.

Then, the Ultimate Warrior came along. This guy ran to the ring with his face painted and tassels around his arms, veins popping out of his arms, muscles coming from everywhere. He didn't look like Hogan and he didn't act like Hogan. But I thought, hey this guy's pretty cool! Yeah, initially, I was fooled. He was like a real live superhero. He even acted like he had powers at times. And he gave speeches...I still don't know what he was saying, but it must have been really important, because he yelled it. And it had big words. Lots of big words. Anyway, the first time I had heard of him was when he beat The Honky Tonk Man for the Intercontinental Title in 9 seconds. I didn't see the match until years later, but at the time, I was like, who is this guy? And when I saw him, I was amazed. Lifting guys over his head, shaking the ropes, and screaming...it was easy to see why unsuspecting children bought into his act. But there always seemed to be a darkside to him. He waiting for the right opportunity to unleash it, however. And that opportunity would eventually present itself.

They never interacted with each other, but they were the two most popular guys in the WWF at the time. Then the 1990 Royal Rumble came along and Hogan and The Warrior squared off for the first time. I believe the Warrior would have blindsided Hogan, but Hogan was on his guard, so the Warrior was forced to fight him straight up. They seemed to be evenly matched at the time, though. I believe Hogan was holding back, personally. And with the crowd solidly behind Hogan, I believe the Warrior became jealous.

And that jealousy would manifest itself in a tag team match on The Main Event. Hogan and the Warrior had teamed up against The Genius and Mr. Perfect. Hogan handily won the match for his team, and the Warrior schemed in the background. This was the moment his chose to strike, because when Mr. Perfect and the Genius attacked Hogan and the Warrior from behind, the Warrior began to retaliate with slams and clotheslines, appearing to defend the duo from harm, but in truth was planning to sneak one over on Hogan. Hogan, rising to his feet, was met with a clothesline by the Warrior. The Warrior pretended that it was a mistake and feigned concern, but Hogan wasn't fooled. Once he regained his composure, he shoved the Warrior and got right up in his face. Soon after, the challenge was made: Hogan vs. Warrior at Wrestlemania VI. And both of their titles were on the line!

Personally, I think the Warrior knew he couldn't win the match legally. So, at one point when the ref was down, the Warrior started bouncing off the rops like a crazy person, like he always did. He was setting up for his flying shoulder block, but Hogan, the crafty veteran he was, saw it coming and once the Warrior was airborne, sidestepped him and drove the Warrior's head into the mat, knocking him out. Hogan made the cover, but the ref was out, so he counted the Warrior's shoulders himself. Hogan counted three and that was good enough for me. And just to show it wasn't a fluke, he got up, got back down, pinned him again and counted another three count. Two pinfalls in one match. Personally, I thought the match should have been over then. Apparently, there's some rule about how you have to be an official referee for your pins to count, or something. So the match continued, once the referee woke up.

Once he got up, Hogan pinned the Warrior a third time, only this time the Warrior kicked out at two. So, in total, Hogan had the Warrior down for an EIGHT count, but six of those didn't count, because the Warrior was a no-good, lying, snake in the grass. And so, the match continued, illegally, I might add.

The match ended when Hogan was making a comeback, Hulking Up after the Warrior did his gorilla press slam. Hogan had done the big boot, and was going for the legdrop and the Warrior moved out of the way, did a splash off the ropes, and if you watch closely, you'll see the Warrior crack Hogan over the head with a frying pan on the way down. Warrior went for the cover and got the win.

One of my heroes, Hulk Hogan, had been screwed out of the title by the Ultimate Warrior. He clearly got two pinfalls on him during the match, yet was forced to continue. It was not unlike the 1972 Men's Olympic Basketball Team, where the Russians got three separate chances to win the game at the end. A travesty of the highest order. A miscarriage of justice, as Gorilla Monsoon might say. Only, he didn't say it, because he was hushed up by the powers that be. I heard a rumor that Monsoon's family was actually held hostage backstage, because he initially wouldn't cooperate.

Yet, Hulk Hogan, ever the gracious winner, was a gracious loser this time. He handed the title to the Warrior, hugged him and walked out. The crowd, however, knew what had happened and cheered for Hogan. I was on my couch with a lump in my throat. It was at that moment that I began to hate the Ultimate Warrior.

And I hated him until I noticed that he wasn't on TV anymore. Turns out, he quit or got fired or something. He later confirmed his insanity status when he legally had his named changed to "Warrior." Meanwhile, Hogan would go on have a gold plated pool filled with money installed in his living room. He had so much money that his toilet filled with champagne instead of water. He would eventually get his loss back, but no one cared because it was in WCW.

But it was a hard moment to deal with back then. The fact that my favorite wrestler was no longer on top. He would, of course, get the title back, but the one thing he couldn't get back, at least not when it mattered, was the loss...and the bragging rights I forfeited to the Warrior fans I talked junk to.

If only I could have shown those kids back in 1990, his public speaking video from 2004, where he went on a gay-bashing tirade. I think I would have won the battle.

A LONG Commentary About the Middle East

Tony Blair and George W. Bush were on TV today, explaining why they don't get the hell out of Iraq and the Middle East.

Bush kept giving that tired rhetoric about how the terrorists hate us because we're free. They both tried to explain that we need to stay there because it's the right thing to do, etc. We have to stay the course, even in the face of overwhelming opposition in our home countries. There was some stuff about the flowering of democracy or something. I don't know. Might have been talking about virgins.

I guess the destabilization of the entire region is the right thing to do. I didn't know that inciting war could be a good thing. I guess there's a guy in his house, somewhere in Iraq, carrying his dead family out of the rubble that used to be his house, and he's thinking to himself, "yeah, I lost everything, but it was the right thing to do, because I can vote now. I just have to get past the mine fields and suicide bombers."

I'm tired of them claiming that they're over there for some sort of noble reason. The noble reason would have been the action in Afghanistan. Y'know...trying to find the person that they claimed was responsible for Sept. 11. Even though I secretly believe that the US Govt. was somehow responsible for that (well, not a secret anymore), you could connect the dots in a reasonable way. Everything else has just been extra. Fighting in Iraq has solved what, exactly? Yeah, you got Saddam in jail, but the entire country has become a warzone. Don't you think you've taken a step back? Not to mention the fighters from the other countries who came to Iraq to fight the Americans. Then, while you have all of your resources fighting Iraq, you start talking junk to Iran. Yeah, that's smart. Excuse me for failing to see the positives.

I'm tired of them saying that they hate America because we're "free." They don't hate America because we're "free." They hate America because we back Israel. That's the long and the short of it. If they hated America because it was "free," then they'd hate Japan for the exact same reason. And last time I checked, the only terrorists attacking Japan were other Japanese people.

Really, I'd hate America, too, if some white dudes came in out of nowhere and told me I had to move my camels and find somewhere else to live because it's giving this land to my sworn enemies. Me and all my friends would go buy some guns and act a fool. And that's exactly what happened. Just imagine if it happened to you.

Now, you got Hezbollah firing rockets into Israel and Israel retaliating, Hamas is doing something in the Gaza Strip, Iran is backing someone, Syria backing someone. It's all gotten way too confusing.

What the Israelis need to understand is, you are in hostile territory. The house next door to yours is someone who has sworn to eliminate you. However, the people who live in your backyard, were also promised some land, which you are currently occupying. Give it back to the Palestinians. Maybe they'll stop throwing rocks at you. Not running over them with tanks would also help.

What the Palestinians need to understand is, they need to get rid of the PLO. You're never going to get anywhere with that group making your decisions. I'm sure that there's a ton of good people within your ranks who just want to have their land and live their lives. That's cool. The PLO is never going to let you do that, though. They're just going to keep dragging you into conflict.

What all the extremist Muslim organizations need to understand is that, A: Israel isn't going anywhere, so you might as well get used to it. You haven't been able to get rid of it in 60 years, I'd say you've lost that battle. Israel being there isn't really hurting you, except on some religious level and it's not like they'd stop you from coming in and worshipping and stuff, it's just that you never act right. If you can't worship and keep from blowing stuff up, why should they treat you any other way than shooting rockets at you? B: Blowing stuff up isn't going to get you what you want. Killing people isn't going to get you what you want. All that's going to do is make people retaliate. And while you might think that you're ready for war and ready to die (they sound like rappers), you can't kill them all. So you need to ask yourself, what are you fighting for? What are you really trying to accomplish? If your answer is "to wipe Israel off of the map," you need to think again, because your leaders have duped you into thinking that's a realistic goal. That's never going to happen. At least, not until the aliens come.

Dammit, just stop killing people. Or at the very least, just stop going over there. If you're from Syria, you only share a border with Israel of what? 50 feet? Leave those people alone. They've got control of a mile and a half of land. And it's been that way for 60 years. Let it go. Stop living in the past. They're not leaving.

And what the American politicians need to understand is this: At least half of all Americans could really care less what's going on in the Middle East. At least half. When the news comes on, and Shepard Smith or Anderson Cooper goes, "There was more violence in the Middle East today," we roll our eyes and say, "Must be a rerun. What's on ESPN?" A lot of us just don't care anymore. It's not going to stop. There has been violence in the Middle East for some of our entire lives. I've been here for almost three decades and I've never know a time when there wasn't violence over there. So seeing as how they don't care enough to stop, I don't care enough to care. Everyone I've talked to about this knows my solution and while it's been refined here and there, it always begins with nuclear weapons and ends with a smoking crater where the Middle East used to be.

Give us a reason why we should care anymore. One that doesn't have to do with Jesus coming back.

You know what most Americans care about? Paying three dollars for a gallon of gas. Health care bills. The credit cards we abused when we were in college. Rent. Getting to work on time. Making sure our kids are fed and clothed. Stuff that's a little closer to home. We don't care about helping out people who want to die. We got our own problems. We'd like our government to do something about our needs for a change instead of trying to involve itself in everyone else's lives. The American government is like that PTA mom who's always ranting and raving about everything at the school, but doesn't even have time for her own kids. Then she wonders why they resent her later in life.

When My Hero Failed: Michael Jordan

Something about your teenage years makes everything seem so much more important than any other time in your life. I don't know if it's the hormones or the fact that I really didn't have the slightest inkling about what really mattered in the world. Maybe it was the fact that I was still a virgin and the buildup was affecting my brain chemistry.

Yeah, right. There was no buildup at all. In fact, my teenage years is the reason why my right arm is bigger than my left. Regardless of what the cause is, though, there are just certain things from those years that seemed larger than life and for whatever reason, a lot of what happened during my teenage years seemed to always stick with me. Certain things I've never really gotten over. Especially when it comes to sports.

For most guys, we live or die with our favorite sports teams and it just seems that the stuff that happened to them when we were teenagers sticks out just a little bit more. For me, it was things like when Dominique Wilkins was traded. I still haven't truly gotten over that, and it was in 1994. It's taking a great deal of restraint to keep myself from dropping 4000 words on why this was wrong. Or the Nebraska/Penn State National Championship game in 1994. What's that? You don't remember it? Neither does anyone else, and that's what makes it memorable. Because it never happened. And to this day, it's the reason why I don't watch college football. But there was one event that really stung when I was 17, probably more than all the rest. Game 1 of the 1995 Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. The Chicago Bulls vs. The Orlando Magic.
The main thing that I remember is Michael Jordan bringing the ball up, and Nick Anderson snuck up behind him, knocked the ball away and Michael Jordan fell flat on the floor. Nick Anderson kicked the ball up to Penny Hardaway, who passed off to Horace Grant for the dunk. The Orlando Arena exploded. Magic win.

The image of Michael Jordan falling on the floor is burned into my memory to this day. The turnover, the sinking feeling in my stomach, the fact that I was going to have to face everyone I had talked shit to at school that day, the dunk by Horace Grant...all of that has stuck with me since 1995.

See, back then, like most kids, whether they want to admit it or not, I looked up to Michael Jordan. I wore his red jersey like a second skin. I couldn't find the white one, so I bought it off of this guy's back in the drive-thru when I worked at Burger King. I own a life-size cut out of this man. I bought a plaque containing an autographed picture of Michael Jordan that I knew was probably a forgery (and it is), just because I figured it was as close to Michael Jordan as I was going to get. Did you see the picture of his statue that I posted? Read the caption. Just seeing the statue was almost like a religious experience. So, basically...I'm a Michael Jordan fanatic.

So in my mind, this man could do no wrong. Michael Jordan didn't fail. Michael Jordan didn't make mistakes. Michael Jordan didn't lose. Yet, in this one game, he did all three and shattered the image I had of him. And he didn't do it in just one game...he did it in the space of 15 seconds at the end of a playoff game. It was the first time I had ever seen him truly lose. It shook my faith that Michael Jordan was going to do something special and the Bulls would win. Since he started winning championships, that hadn't happened.

I'm sure a lot of people remember all the news headlines, talking about Michael Jordan being mortal after all, but to me, it was a serious change in the way i viewed him. The dunk over Shaq that I swore he would get never came. And at one point in the series, Nick Anderson blocked his fadeaway. I had never seen Michael Jordan get blocked before. Well, not without getting mugged first. I tried to put up a brave face at school. I kept talking shit to that kid with the Shaq jersey, but one thing kept running through my mind: maybe Michael Jordan didn't have it anymore.

Yeah, we all remember that he tried to get it together. The next game, he incurred the league's wrath by switching back to number 23, and they won, but the series was really over after Game 1. After the Bulls tied the series at 2-2, they were blown out in the next two games in Orlando. I really don't even remember those games. I just remember seeing the traitorous Horace Grant celebrating about how his new team had taken down his old team. I hated Horace Grant for years after that. I hated his less-talented brother, Harvey, because he looked like him. This was the guy who put the dagger in the Bulls' heart, way back in Game 1. The Bulls went 6 games, but we all knew it was over at the end of Game 1. If you watched the game, you could just feel it. One mistake was all it took. One turnover changed more than just the game...it changed the series. The Bulls just weren't the same after that. Meanwhile, Orlando's confidence was growing by the minute.

Oh, yeah...it hurt to watch. That's something I do remember.

Of course, we all know how this ends. The Bulls went a record setting 72-10 next year, beat Orlando so bad in the playoffs that the team broke up (Shaq left for LA...had Orlando beaten Chicago, Shaq and Kobe would have been a wet dream), and won the championship. It helped me get over the previous season, somewhat. I still have those games on tape. And when I watch them, it makes me smile, because we got ours back against Orlando. That kid with the Shaq jersey had conveniently graduated the previous year, so I couldn't talk shit to him.

1996 was the last time things were ever in doubt, in my mind. I was never really worried that anyone else would beat them after that. Not after Michael proved that he was the real MJ again and won the championship. I mean, it was possible that someone could beat them, but it wasn't gonna happen. We had Michael Jordan. But even now, when they show that image of him on the ground, followed by the Grant dunk, it still stings. Just a little.

That was Michael Jordan, too.

The Newest McMahon...

The word on the street is that Stephanie McMahon (Helmsley? Levesque? Hell, I don't know what her last name is now) has gone into labor today. So congratulations to Triple H (who still won't cut off his Blue Oyster mustache)and the missus (who's voice makes my ears bleed).

So in honor of this day, I'd like to reminisce about the last time a baby between the two of them was discussed, by way of Stone Cold Steve Austin and crz.net (because someone had to transcribe all this crap, and it wasn't gonna be me).

"That's what I think about your little apology, and you know - what really, what really gets me sick to my stomach, I hear you come out here and you flap your gums about having a baby with Triple H. I regret the day that comes around when I drive up to the hospital on that day to offer my condolences - roll over and look at that little, uh, incubator thing, look down there and see a fifteen pound nose so full o' manure they can't keep diapers on the little bastard."

The Newest Bull...

The Newest Bull...

Miami and Detroit had trouble running with the Bulls before...now, you don't stand a chance. We can finally start talking championship again. And the bandwagon fans can stay with those other teams. Everyone who had jokes...it's finally time to dead that noise. I can't wait for the season to start.

The Healthcare Debate (One side of it, anyway)

Michael Moore's got a new movie coming out that's sure to polarize America once again, called Sicko, about America's healthcare system. Everyone's got a viewpoint on this one and it's usually a pretty charged argument. It seems like you're either on one side or the other. No middle ground. I'm putting my opinion out there, but I'm genuinely interested in what others think about this issue. Should you actually take the time to read this (all 5 of you), I want your feedback. I want to know what you think and why you feel that way.

Anyway, here's what I think about health care...

The way it should be is this: Yes, we need to have some form of socialized health care. Yeah, I said it. The fact is, there are way too many people out there who can't afford to pay $100 a month for insurance. When you're making $7.25 an hour, that's a good chunk of your check.
People who are against socialized health care always bring up two things: that the quality will be lower and that they don't want their money going to some pregnant crackhead who can't stop having babies/smoking crack. Something like that. And they're probably black, but they'll never say that part.

The thing is, you live in the richest nation in the world, hands down. What do you think will happen, that all hospitals will suddenly become condemned buildings with rusty tools from a back alley? Do you really think we'll have two-year waiting lists to see a doctor for emergency surgery? Secondly, when was the last time you EVER had control over where your tax money goes? Once the government takes it, it's not your money anymore! And thirdly, you don't have a choice in the matter! The money's getting took, regardless of what you want and it's going where it's going, regardless of what you want.

Hell, I don't like The President, but my tax money is helping pay him. I don't support the skirmish in Iraq, but my tax money is going towards it. You know, what? I've decided I don't want my money going there. I want to take back my $5 or 6 thousand from the $80 billion and put it towards education. I'm gonna march right up to the IRS and take my money back and put it where I want it.

That's the part where armed guards rush in and beat me into a coma.

What I'm saying is, everyone should have a minimum of health-care. You shouldn't have to decide what bill your not going to pay this month because you have to pay for coverage or medication. The sad reality is, a lot of people out there do this.

People act like the government has no obligation to take care of them, but they do. Their job is to protect you. Public officials are supposed to have the best interests of their constituents at heart, and if their constituents aren't getting themselves taken care of because they can't afford it, that's a problem. By the opposing logic, the government doesn't have to protect you from terrorists, either. But they do. So if they don't have to protect you from terrorists, or corporate greed (sometimes) or potholes or any other problem that the government does take care of...what the hell are you even paying taxes for? If every man is for himself, why do we have police? Why not just disband the police, give everyone their money back, and tell them, "go get a gun, you're own your own. Sorry."

Because it's fucking retarded, that's why.

Our country has reached a point that a lot of others haven't: We can actually provide for the less fortunate who live there. And the reality is, it's not always about hard work and pulling up your bootstraps or some other cliche like that. Sometimes, shit happens and someone needs to be there for the ones who fall through the cracks. Our government needs to protect those who can't protect themselves. They're always claiming to do it for some third-world country. Why not do it for actual taxpayers?

Also, no one's saying that we should get rid of private health care. Of course, we should have that. But everyone can't afford that option, so public health care should be there for the ones who can't. It's not like we can't afford it. If we can throw $80 billion at a pile of dirt and rocks in the Middle East, surely we can do this. If we can give $5 billion a year to Israel so they can shoot rockets at people who are mostly armed with rocks and plywood, surely we can do this.

"But we're doin' it for our freedom!" they scream.

Some people would like to be healthy enough to enjoy that freedom.

Apparent Blindness vs. Michael Jordan

Allen Heckard, of Portland, Oregon is suing Michael Jordan and Nike Chairman Phil Knight for $832 million because people say he looks like Michael Jordan.

Correspondents on the scene say that Mr. Heckard is also suing God for inventing the color brown and the genetics that forced him to share that color with others of his race, including his family and friends. Defendants named in this suit include, "Craig, Junebug, Sweet Lenny, Lil' Chris, and Four Corners, the local wino." "Shonda's Little Brother" had no comment.

His lawsuit states that Jordan is being sued for "defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering." Jordan dares walk around looking like this guy that he, or anyone else on the planet, doesn't even know. Apparently, being the most famous person on Earth is causing this guy all sorts of mental anguish. And he's not gonna stand for it anymore...after already living with it for the 24 years that Jordan has been in the public consciousness.

Should Jordan lose here, expect a flurry of similar lawsuits, including those from his children, his mother, and a series of less successful siblings.

And Phil Knight is getting sued for "defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes." I, for one, agree. Phil Knight should not be able to get away with using this company to ride the Jordan Gravy Train to Profitability-Land. The nerve of this guy, trying to increase visibility for this corporate brand by attaching it to the biggest sports star ever. It makes me sick to my stomach, this...engaging in free enterprise. And damn that Jordan for his competitive drive that made him the best ball player on the planet! It was Jordan who made this fiendish plot come to fruition!

That's right, it is my personal belief that Jordan and Knight sat down all those years ago and planned to mildly irritate this man. Jordan decided to undergo plastic surgery to slightly resemble Mr. Heckard, if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the light. Knight decided to promote Jordan beyond all reason, regardless of whether or not Jordan turned out to be any good. In fact, the current life story of Jordan that everyone believes is a lie. Michael Jordan was really a homeless man Phil Knight found sleeping in his driveway one morning. He shaved him down and taught him to speak. The rest is history.

So, kudos to you, Mr. Heckard. Kudos for having the balls to stand up for what you believe in. And apparently, what you believe in is that no one should be able to profit off of looking like themselves, because someone who looks like them after a couple of shots of 151 and a head injury, might get offended.

And kudos for doing it while wearing a pair of Air Jordans at the time of this interview. Juevos, Mr. Heckard. Massive juevos.

And how did he arrive at the amount of $832 million?

"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."

I couldn't have said that nonsensical statement any better myself.