In defense of the asshole sports fan

Orlando Sentinel columnist Jemele Hill is going out of her way to paint this man in a negative light.

Last week, Orlando Magic fan Hooman Hamzehloui was ejected from the TD Waterhouse Centre after he called Houston Rockets' center Dikembe Mutombo a "monkey." Hamzehloui contends that he didn't realize what he was saying would be considered a racial slur. Nonetheless, he offered a "complete and unconditional apology" to Mutombo, donated $5,000 to the charity of Mutombo's choice and vowed not to return to anymore Orlando home games until Mutombo gave him the okay. The league took it a step further by refunding his season ticket money and banning Hamzehloui from all NBA arenas for the season.

While Mutombo has forgiven the man and wants to put the whole thing in the past, Jamele Hill wants to beat a dead horse. The incident happened Thursday and was over on Monday. Hill decided to make this the subject of her Tuesday column. Stop beating the horse, Jamele. You're getting blood all over the place.

Her column today was entitled, "Magic fan's sad comments are indefensible." Thanks for clearing that up. Why, just last week, I thought to myself that calling my fellow black people "monkey" was the okay thing to do. Good thing you're here to tell us these things.

She goes on to say that she spoke with Hamzehloui on Monday and that while she believes he isn't a racist and simply misguided, he refuses to accept full blame for the incident that happened. He says that he used a "poor choice of words." True, he did. He goes on to say that "If I said he looked like a chimpanzee or like a gorilla, none of this happens." While that's not entirely accurate, it doesn't mean that he's shirking responsibility. It just means that he doesn't know black people.

Now, upon finding out that his season tickets were being revoked, he reacted in this way: "They have players shooting guns in front of strip clubs and getting into drug-related fights and marijuana getting found in cars, but that's OK. I say something I'm sorry about and they want to throw me to the wolves."

Admittedly, it does sound like he's trying to pass the buck. It's like when you get stopped by the cop, but there were three cars going faster than you that he missed. I'm not defending what he's saying, because that's pretty much what he's doing. But what do you expect him to say?

Here's my point: The man publicly apologized, donated money, took himself away from the Orlando Magic games. He did all the right things, but the league came down on him anyway. Was it overkill? I think so, but the league has done a lot of overkill things since the Indiana Pacers started swinging on fans. And calling Mutombo a monkey upset him enough to make him want to go into the stands to get Hamzehloui, fines and suspensions be damned. However, what's done is done. And if Hamzehloui was waffling between being contrite and passing the buck, as Jamele Hill claims, he would have used the exact same channels that he used to apologize to complain about his banishment. It's not like the media wouldn't listen. This would have been in the first 20 minutes of SportsCenter.

But what really happened here? Jamele Hill sought the man out and asked him what he really thought. In a discussion between two people, he told her. It's not like he called a press conference and said this. Anyone in the world would have reacted the same way, regardless of whether or not this was "on the record." In a one-on-one discussion, of course you're more likely to hear what the person really thinks. But just because you're punished doesn't mean you have to like it. Just because you don't like your punishment doesn't mean that you're not sorry for what you did.

Ms. Hill seems to think that just because he's not begging for forgiveness all the time that he's not sorry. She actually feels that he hasn't done enough to make amends, and that he should not only accept his punishment without complaint (which he did, until he was ASKED), but "offer to record a public service announcement warning NBA fans that yelling abusive epithets is not cheering."

Sounds good on the surface, but seriously...who's going to listen to Hooman Hamzehloui? That would be a waste of time on both sides. Even if he did do it, it's not going to work, because there's always going to be an asshole at sporting events. You could go to a little league game and you'd have that same guy in the stands, being rude and bothering people around him.

The thing is, people are going to be jerks at sporting events and they have to right to do so. They don't have the right to throw things, be bigots or just be completely disrespectful. There is a line that shouldn't be crossed. But leagues like the NBA and the NFL know that they need jerks at their events. These are the passionate sports fans that drive fanbases. When the team is losing, who do you think will keep showing up? That's right. And I'll bet you won't turn his money away then.

Who else is going to get the crowd fired up? Cheerleaders? The pop song playing over the house speakers? The CGI video on the jumbotron? No, it's the jerk, sitting three sections over in body paint, who's been riding the opposing teams' point guard all game long.

The city of Boston used to have some of the greatest crowds ever, packed into the old Boston Garden, and in one of the whitest cities in America, the Lakers would come in, featuring a flashy, black point guard, and do battle with the Great White Hope. You're disturbingly naive if you think that they weren't being assholes towards the Lakers. Let me clear something up for you: They weren't commending them on their dazzling offense.

Really, how boring would it be to have everyone sitting quietly in their seats, watching the game and politely clapping at predetermined intervals? That's great. The desired future for all sports crowds resembles the one at Wimbledon.

I know all of this seems like a digression, but the point is that you can't or shouldn't try to dampen the enthusiasm of a crowd. The NBA is doing this with their new overkill approach to handling things. Apologizing and self-censure apparently isn't enough. As a result, Hamzehloui says that the NBA has lost a boisterous fan, in a time where lifeless crowds have become the norm.

I don't think he's a jerk. He just used a poor choice of words, like he said. I think, perhaps a 20 game ban would have driven the point home for others.

And as if to dance on the grave, Ms. Hill is right there to say, "If that's his attitude, he won't be missed. He would make a great Predators fan." He might not be missed, but his enthusiasm will. The Orlando Magic haven't had a lot of excitement surrounding the team since the Shaq and Penny days. You should be glad that you still have fans who want to support the team.

Welcome to the "I Hate Greg Knapp" Fan Club

I am by no means a football expert, however it would seem to my untrained, yet completely competent eyes that Falcons offensive coordinator Greg Knapp isn't even looking at the plays when he calls them in. Somewhere behind the water cooler, he has a game of lawn darts set up, and in the circles are the plays he has to choose from. The cameras never seem to catch this, but my highly intelligent eyes are onto your little game. Greg Knapp must be fired before my eyes start pulling their hair out. We just can't take this anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a long spiel about how Michael Vick was screwing up. The next week, he threw four touchdowns as if he was throwing a huge "f-you" right at my groin. This week, he kept it going, with his groinally charged attack. The decision making was on point, he wasn't forcing throws, he wasn't forcing runs. For the first time since 2003, I didn't have a bad thing to say about Michael Vick. I'll go so far as to say that if this is how he's going to play all the time, I'll take back everything I've said about him. He's that good...when he's on. Like I said last week, this is the Michael Vick worthy of all the hype.

But things aren't perfect down here in Atlanta. As good as the offense was in the first half and most of the second, I have to believe that Greg Knapp had some money on the Bengals to win this game, because he did everything in his power to make the Falcons lose.

Like I said, I'm no football expert, but I know enough to know that if the passing game is working, you keep going to it. If you're up by 9 points with 5 minutes to go, you need to move the chains. Yes, you need to run time off the clock, but you also have to sustain a drive. And if your run game hasn't given you anything all day, why would you go back to it at a crucial point like that? I was waiting for Knapp to tear off his Falcons polo to reveal a Bengals shirt, just before he started into a diabolical laugh. In my mind, he would sound like Skeletor.

And as if to say, "Yes, Greg Knapp is the moron we thought he was," the Bengals used all of one play, and 30 seconds, to bring them within two points. Yes, the defense gave up the points. But the defense also shouldn't have been out there. If we had an offensive coordinator here who used a method other than "accidental" to call plays, the offense would have probably scored.

And as dumb as that drive was, the drive before it was worse, because the offense was about to score, before Knapp pulled the plug on six more points. He must have thought he was about to lose his house or something, because he was betting on the point spread.

They were steadily moving the chains. Even Roddy White was catching passes. And just when you thought even Knapp couldn't screw up the good situation they were in, he did just that. He ran the ball on third and long (remember, they hadn't been able to run the ball all day), to try to get better field goal position, when their receivers were in position to score from 30 yards out.

Yes, the Falcons won, but they could have won by 16, instead of 2. And it's all Greg Knapp's fault. I hope Ed Donatell catches you behind the bleachers after the game. Seriously, I needed a drink after this one. It's hard watching your hometown team actively try to lose a game. Bill Belichick would have eaten this team alive doing crap like they did in the second half today.

While this team has a very good chance of doing some things in the playoffs, they're going to screw it up as long as Greg Knapp is at the helm. So I'm sending the call out now: $50 to whoever can get him fired. Apparently, he's not doing a good enough job of getting himself fired, because he's still got a job, despite the fact that he calls plays like he's not even watching the game. Maybe he's trying to call plays for the games that he sees on the jumbotron.

I hate you, Greg Knapp. You're going to be the death of me. Probably sometime during the playoffs.

The Last Word on...Illegal "Immigration."

Imagine that someone sneaks into your house when your not looking. They get in through the garage door when you're leaving for work. That person secretly lives in your garage for a few months before you find them. He doesn't steal anything, doesn't mess with your stuff, and he goes to work everyday. He just lives in your garage.

When you find him, naturally, you freak and call the cops. They take him away. The next day, you find some other guy in your garage. And another. And another. Turns out there are 30 guys somehow living in your garage. You realize that they're getting into your garage because you keep leaving the door open. So you close the garage door and lock it.

The next day, you find hundreds of protesters outside of your house, telling you that you're wrong for not letting these men live in your garage. You discover that they've been secretly washing your car and doing your yard work when you weren't looking. The protesters say that these men were helping with your quality of life and these things wouldn't have gotten done if they weren't there. They were doing all the menial tasks around your house that you didn't want to do. You are told that you have no right to close and lock your own garage by the protesters, who all live in the condemned house across the street. Those 30 men used to live there, but they came to your house because your ceiling doesn't leak and your tap water doesn't make them sick.

So what do you do? Should you change your mind and let the guys stay there? Should you lease the garage to them and work out some sort of agreement with them where they can come over sometimes, but they have to go back across the street to sleep? Or should you call this whole situation what it is: Breaking and entering.

No, this isn't a complex analogy. And to anyone who might disagree with the correlation, yes, it is the same thing. For illegals here, as well as the Mexican government, to believe that they have the right to be upset about the plans to build a giant fence between the two nations, well...someone done told you wrong. This is something that needs to be discussed among the people who are actually legal citizens. You all can wait outside.

The way rational people see it, a nation has the right to close its borders whenever it wants to. A nation has the right to request that its inhabitants speak the national language. A nation has the right to kick out people who snuck inside to begin with. That nation does not have to justify its actions to its less-fortunate, corrupt, crime-ridden neighbor to the south. That nation also isn't required to treat its neighbors to the north in the same manner, because Canada's residents A.) speak English, and B.) GO HOME.

Illegal aliens are not entitled to anything on this side of the border, except a free ride back home. You are not called "illegal aliens" because we're trying to be mean. You are called "illegal aliens" because you snuck into the country ILLEGALLY, and you are foreign to the land you're standing on. You might say it's ALIEN to you, especially considering you can't read most of the signs along those roadsides. You knew it was wrong when you did it. If you really thought it was the okay thing to do, you wouldn't have had to stuff your kids behind the dashboard of your car first.

So, just like you have the right to try to find a better life, the people who already live there legally have a right to say, "You ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the Hell outta here."

What am I doing? It's not like you can read this. If you could, you would have tried to come in legally.

Why are you still listening to Rush Limbaugh?

Once again, the country is up-in-arms about something Rush Limbaugh has said.

I really don't have a comment or any kind of special insight about what he said. Everyone's out there condemning him and whatnot, and that's fine with me. Yes, what he said was ignorant and stupid. I think he knew it was stupid when he said it, that's why he tried to cover it up by suggesting that Michael J. Fox didn't take his medication. We all know it was wrong. I grew up a huge Michael J. Fox fan. I'd like to punch Rush Limbaugh in the fatty cushion around his neck.

But my thing is, why are you still listening to Rush Limbaugh? Since when did the American people make it a habit of closely listening to junkies? Do you sit outside the liquor store and talk to the winos sitting on the stoop? So why would you listen to a pill-popper just because he has a big mouth and a radio show?

Rush Limbaugh has proven time after time that he's just going to say things to piss you off. And it works everytime. As a result, his ratings go up. Meanwhile, America is mad....yet you keep listening. You have to, because you have to be there to catch the next stupid thing he's going to say. Then, you'll get mad all over again. It's an endless cycle. Just stop listening.

It should have been over for him in the mid-90s, when Limbaugh-mania reached its peak. He was practically a demogogue for "conservatives." They hung on every divisive and hate-filled word. They took to the streets, screaming "Rush is Right!" No, Rush is high.

After that, he was relatively quiet, until ESPN hired him for football commentary. It was a grand idea all around, because when I watch football, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind, "I could really use some right-wing political talking points while special teams comes on the field." And we all remember how the Limbaugh experiment ended: He was fired for his comments about Donovan McNabb and the NFL's desire to have a black quarterback succeed. Basically, Rush was fired for saying the words "black," "media wants," and "doesn't deserve," in rapid succession.

My question is: Why did you even hire him? You KNEW he was going to say something like that. You might as well hire Howard Stern and pretend to act shocked when he asks about the other guys' wives' boobies on live TV, and gets porn stars to swallow kielbasas in the studio. Dammit, people...it's what they do.

Then, there was that mess with the painkillers. For most people, that would have completely ruined their credibility, but I guess if you listen to shows like him, or watch Fox News, you don't need credibility. Not if you just keep parroting the Republican Party line. And on that front, you gotta give it up, because the GOP always stays united.

But that's the thing...if you've been paying attention for at least the last 10 years, you wouldn't care about anything that this guy says. You know it's coming and it's all for shock value. It's not even like he's funny. He's just running his mouth. And America is falling into the trap. He doesn't care if you boycott, because he knows that the attention from this will bring more listeners to his show. And if you were listening just so you could hear him shoot his mouth off and get upset, who's really the bigger fool here?

Just don't listen to him. Unless you don't have hands, it's really not that hard to turn the dials on your radio.

Does Michael Vick read my blog?

It was the first question that came to mind when I watched the Falcons game on Sunday. And not only did he read it, he took it personal. Yesterday, we saw the re-emergence of the Michael Vick of 2002 and 2003, the guy who played at VA Tech, the guy who earned the cover of Madden '04 and a one-way trip to the "Madden Cover Jinx" Hall of Fame. That Michael Vick was the one who was the up-and-coming star. The one we had been seeing for the last few years was the one who had caused my blood pressure to go up.

He had a great game yesterday, but of course...he's still not perfect. But things were better. His decision making was better. His passing was much more accurate. He made an effort to move the ball downfield. And he got his receivers in a rhythm. All things were under his direct control. Of course, he got got some help from Alge Crumpler and Ashley Lelie (who still didn't start...assholes), and he got some huge help from a coaching staff who seemed to discover yesterday (after much complaining from everyone in Atlanta, including the players themselves) that they even had a passing game. Did they fire Greg Knapp and I didn't hear about it?

Let's just hope that the Falcons keep playing like this, because this is the Michael Vick that's worth all the hype he was getting early on in his career. For the first time in three years, the offense played better than the defense. The offense didn't need to be bailed out by the defense. If anything, it was the reverse. 41 points? When was the last time the offense put up half that many points? Seriously...go check. I'll wait.

While you're doing that, I had felt the need to say something more positive about Vick anyway, since a friend of mine gave me so much flak about what I said last week. Problem is, Vick had such a great game that anything I try to clarify is going to look like I'm sucking up. So I won't say anything. Nothing I said was wrong. It just turns out that more blame should be heaped upon Greg Knapp...which I did last week. So there. I was still right.

And to think, we almost missed seeing much of this game. Midway through the first half, Pittsburgh started running away with it, so we just got up and left the room. My dad turned on "The Rifleman" and got on the computer. It just so happened that I turned on the TV in another room and happened to see the comeback. An amazing turn of events. The Falcons passed the ball.

Someone from the Falcons must have come through here, so let this one get back to them: Start Ashley Lelie, dammit.

The Gospel According to Thaddeus 10/19/06

Just my shortened thoughts on a variety of topics. What do I think about...

...the Miami/FIU fight?

There was a kid swinging his helmet and another kid stomping players with his cleats, while a radio announcer talked shit in the booth. The radio announcer lost his job, but those players are still on the team. Something's wrong with that.

...Tiki Barber's "retirement?"

It won't hurt nearly as much as when Barry Sanders retired. I really just wonder how jealous Ronde is. Y'know...cuz Tiki's all famous and stuff.

...anything Mike Tyson says these days?

Seriously...does it even shock you anymore? He says he wants to fight a woman and no one bats an eye. This guy could punch out a horse in the middle of Times Square and no one would even notice. If you heard tomorrow that Mike Tyson drove a car into the scorer's table at a basketball game, would you even look up from your morning paper?

...Koren Robinson's year-long suspension?

I'm about as sympathetic as I am for Ricky Williams. I just don't understand why pro football players get high and drunk when there are 30 teams out there willing to throw money at you if you stop. Idiots...you do realize that they can cut you at a moment's notice, right?

...this year's New York Knicks?

The worst thing that can happen to them is that they win, because that means Isiah won't get fired. Of course, Isiah getting fired is the worst thing that can happen to the sportswriting community, because there's no one in basketball easier to make fun of.

...Korea's nuclear ambitions?

Do you think Bush realizes that if he'd gone into North Korea instead of Iraq, North Korea might not even have a nuclear bomb right now? I guess if I had the choice between invading the country that was thisclose to having nuclear weaponry or the country that had Stone Age level weaponry, and wasn't even the most dangerous country in the region, I would have picked Iraq, too...but that's because I'm a coward.

...Madonna's "controversial" adoption?

Yeah, how dare she rescue a child from a life of hardships! Why, she should put that kid back in the poverty stricken area where she found it and watch it die! Let's be serious here...it's not like she's actually going to raise the child. That's what those Mexican nannies were hired for.

...billionaire Steve Wynn's destruction of a $50 million painting?

Seriously...I wish I had problems like that.

...Black Planet?

Does anyone go there anymore? Anyone? I think there are more people using Friendster.

...the suicidal Terrell Owens?

Don't get too excited over your good showing on Sunday...everyone looks good against the Texans. Games like that fool people into thinking that Drew Bledsoe isn't quite washed up yet or that the Redskins might actually be a good team.

...the Oakland Raiders?

I thought Randy Moss was supposed to be a leader this year. Why was he the first one to throw in the towel? Why does Art Shell always look like he's figuring out how drunk he's going to get after the game? I look forward to watching this team have a perfect 0-16 season.

...PlayStation 3?

The thing costs $600 dollars. For that amount, I should be able to have good sex with it before it spits real hundred dollar bills back at me.

...Puffy's ever-changing name?

A producer in England actually sued him over the name "Diddy." Why would you fight over that name? Would you fight over who has the right to call themselves "Sugarbooty" or "Fairygirl?"

...Flavor of Love 2?

This show is setting ratings records. It's also got a spinoff coming, called "The Flavorette." What the hell is wrong with you people? I hate all 7.5 million of you.

...Cryme Tyme's wrestling debut?

Yeah, they were about as embarrassing as I expected them to be. Right down to their diamond-fronts. I'm not even going to bother to learn which is which.

The Continued Idiocy of Tim Floyd

Y'know, there's been a joke that keeps coming up, usually around the time of the NBA draft, that eventually NBA executives will start scouting junior high students looking for the next LeBron James. We all laugh at it and go about our lives. We think, "No one's ever going to be that stupid. The kid doesn't even have pubes yet."

In tennis, junior high-age students routinely turn pro, but that's a mostly European sport. Who cares about tennis? American interest faded again, right after Serena realized that she didn't need this crap. Then, in American soccer, Freddy Adu, a then-14 year old, signed a multimillion dollar deal with a professional team. Michelle Wie, a then-14 year old female golfer, started playing with the men's golf tour, with everyone somehow forgetting the fact that she's never won a tournament at any level.

I've always thought that was kind of stupid for Michelle Wie to be allowed to be paid to continue a losing streak, or for Freddy Adu to be paid millions when he's not going to see the inside of a game. And anyone who knows me knows how i felt about high schoolers in the NBA. I was almost hoping they started letting high schoolers in the NFL, just to see how quickly they stopped jumping when the first four or five of them died from being beaten to death by grown men.

But USC Basketball coach Tim Floyd has recently gotten a 14 year old freshman to commit to USC, even though he hasn't even played a high school game yet. And while I can see why he did it, and I'm sure he knows more about the kid's talent level than I do, something seems wrong with college coaches trolling the local junior high for potential talent. I think it's kind of creepy, actually. He might as well have been staking out the playground with a fistful of candy, dressed in a trenchcoat.

Yeah, he hasn't actually devoted any funds to this kid, and technically, he hasn't done anything wrong, but USC is a big-time school, and basically, Tim Floyd is paving the way for the aforementioned joke to become reality. All it takes it one. Soon, college coaches all over the country will be watching highly touted 10 year old kids, who barely even have their coordination down, looking for their next recruit. I know it sounds like I'm panicking, but...it's not too far-fetched. After all, it wasn't that long ago we were just joking about this kind of situation in general.

It also wasn't that long ago that high schoolers were a rarity in the NBA. Or that high school games would have never been considered to be broadcast on ESPN. Or that the idea that high schoolers might have the chance to enter the NFL Draft. All ridiculous notions at one time.

Kevin Garnett opened the floodgates for high schoolers in the NBA. He wasn't the first, but he started the current trend. The hype around LeBron James started the trend of airing high school games. Now, it's commonplace to see ESPN cameras at high school games. And if Maurice Clarett had been successful in challenging the NFL's rules, there would have been hundreds of idiot high schoolers, thinking that they could play with the big boys. Only the CFL or NFL Europe could have benefitted from that. Just one success, and everyone thinks that they can do it, too.

I guess what's funny to me about it is, Tim Floyd recruited a kid that he might not even get to see play. Now, I don't know what USC's record has been since he's been coach (mainly because I rarely pay attention to schools outside the ACC), but I do remember his performance in the NBA. He coached almost three years for my Beloved Bulls, at the behest of Jerry Krause (which is a sure-sign that he's not very good), and was fired after one year in New Orleans, because he ran a team into the ground that wasn't that bad before he got there. Yeah, the college game is different, but that right there is a sign that he might not be AT USC in four years. I know I expect him to be fired. I don't know what he did at Iowa State (the school he was coaching before Chicago), but I know in the pros, he developed a tendency to piss off the locals. Usually, for sucking. Hard.

I can't blame the kid for accepting, though. He and his parents must be thrilled, and rightly so. At 14 years old, their son's college education is secured. All because of one coach's desperation. It all might work out, but not because he was smarter than everyone else. It would be more of an accident, like the discovery of penicillin or the fact that UPN stayed on the air as long as it did.

The worst thing that could happen is that it works. I'm not sure I could properly deal with college coaches scouting my 12 year old nephew.

Bench Michael Vick

When it comes to judging whether or not the Atlanta Falcons are any good, I think it best to listen to a person who's actually watched them play. Therefore, while the guys on Fox or ESPN are retired pros and whatnot, they keep touting Atlanta and Michael Vick as something special. I do the same thing, except that I use "special" as a replacement for "almost fatally retarded." Anyone who believes anything otherwise is probably watching the games from the parking lot.

Every Sunday, I sit down to watch the Falcons, and every Sunday, I inch closer to suffering a fatal anger stroke. And seeing as how I'm probably going to Hell, I'll probably spend the rest of eternity watching Michael Vick and Greg Knapp conspire to ruin any chance Atlanta has to win games as my punishment. Yes, I said it. Michael Vick is driving this team to ruin, and offensive coordinator Greg Knapp is riding shotgun.

Most people wouldn't believe that Michael Vick is actually one of the Falcons' biggest problems and those people were among the people my mother saw at Wal-Mart during the game. Basically, people who aren't paying attention to them. I remember a couple of years ago, arguing down an entire barbershop over whether or not Vick is any good, which isn't exactly safe, considering the position a barber has you in. But I'm here to tell you, he isn't. What is he doing so wrong? I'm glad I asked.

For one, he's been here six years and hasn't made one hint of progression as a quarterback. As a passer, he still doesn't seem to have learned the basics of being a quarterback. He definitely hasn't gotten any better at it. His decision making is terrible, and I don't think he still knows how to check down through his receivers. That's particularly sad, because there's a 400-pound slob sitting on beanbag chair in his parents' basement playing Madden who can do that. People might argue that the receivers aren't open, but again, watch the games. Alge Crumpler has one move: Slanting in behind the defensive line. He's ALWAYS open. Ashley Lelie (he should be the starter) has beaten every defender who's been put on him. Roddy White has his moments. Michael Jenkins needs to be strangled. And half the time, Vick isn't even looking to pass. From the time the ball is snapped, he's looking to run. While I won't call him stupid, I will call him "the learning impaired" because everyone on the defense is looking for him to run, too. Opposing safeties don't even bother to drop back anymore. He's not going to bother to pass, so they shouldn't bother to defend.

Yeah, sure, he's fast, but in today's NFL, who the hell isn't? In today's NFL, you've got 280 pound linebackers who can run Vick down (Julius Peppers, from the hated Carolina Panthers). So while he might break off some big runs here and there, anyone who doesn't inhale bus fumes will tell you that you can't win that way. You can't depend on the big play to win games. That's where Greg Knapp comes in. His entire offensive scheme is dependent on getting big plays.

I've seen better play-callers than Greg Knapp getting loaded at Barnacles. Every week, he's tried to run on third and long. I've seen him line Alge Crumpler up in the backfield, which would be a good thing if Crumpler was fast. Until this week, I don't think he's even considered passing on first down, you know, just to try to fool the defense. Not a week has gone by that I haven't questioned this man's playcalling. It's almost like how I treated my parents after they told me they'd been lying about Santa Claus.

I also question a man who doesn't have the imagination to line up Michael Vick next to his good quarterback, Matt Schaub. This is a man who doesn't have the smarts to play Jerious Norwood more than two series a game, if for no other reason than to keep Warrick Dunn fresh. This is a man who can't seem to get Ashley Lelie in the game more, even though he's a far better receiver than anything else they've got on the field. This is a man who insists on running the damn COLLEGE OPTION, even though it hasn't worked in three games. I honestly don't think he's watching the games, either. I think he just calls the play, then goes to the bathroom, assuming that everything will go according to plan. He's lucky he's coaching here, where the fans don't really care. If he was up north somewhere, they would have left his dog's severed head in his bed by now.

You heard it here first: I'm starting the campaign to get Ashley Lelie put in as the number 1 receiver on the grounds that I'm able to walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. Who's with me?

What about the defense? I don't have any real problems with them. They do their job, which apparently requires carrying the offense. Because the Vick-led offense is so bad, the defense has to score points, too. I guess the media fooled them, too. Everyone seems to think that just because they rushed for almost 600 yards in their first two games, that they're a good team. Ask yourself instead, how many three-and-outs they had? How many passing yards? How many points the offense actually scored? How many field goals were punted? How many times they got to the red zone? Or, try watching the games. Either way, you'll finish the day with a headache. The question is whether it came from your high blood pressure or from slamming your forehead into the floor out of frustration.

Arthur Blank was on the sidelines today, and he wasn't smiling and he wasn't gladhanding everyone. Probably because the team was going down in flames, but one can't be sure. My dad began to wonder how much longer Blank was going to let this go on. I said that Blank hired Rich McKay so he wouldn't have to get involved. My dad said, "Every owner has a little Jerry Jones in them." So, to Arthur Blank, I say: "Unleash your inner Jerry." Do it before I find myself on trial for felonious assault.

In defense of Stephen Jackson (and strip clubs)

The Indiana Pacers are back in the news for the wrong stuff again. Pacers guard Stephen Jackson was punched in the face and hit by a car in the parking lot of a nightclub in Indianapolis last night. He shot at the car as it drove away, with his legally purchased and licensed gun. Guards Jamaal Tinsley, Marquis Daniels, and Jimmie Hunter were also present. It is reported that they were arguing with another group of men, but were trying to "extricate themselves" from the situation.

The sportsmedia is already judging Stephen Jackson and all the facts aren't even out yet. You've already got a group of old white men saying the same thing: "What was Stephen Jackson doing at a strip club? When will athletes learn that going to nightclubs and drinking is a bad thing?" They've spent most of their careers painting nightclubs as criminal meeting places, where people are openly fighting and doing drugs right on the bar. They make it sound like something is ALWAYS gonna go down when a pro athlete steps into the place.

They're always going on about how athletes have to be smarter than that and not put themselves in situations where there could be trouble. First of all, again, they don't know the situation. No one besides the four Pacers, the guys they were arguing with, and probably the police, know what happened in that club. Second, there can be trouble anywhere. I remember when I was working in a grocery store, stocking shelves at three in the morning, when a lunatic decided that he was gonna drive his car into the store. No one could have predicted that would happen, except for the slightly deranged man behind the wheel. If Stephen Jackson had been there, the sportswriters still would have been outraged. "What was he doing at a store at three in the morning? He has to be smarter than that!"

I don't expect pro athletes to stay at home and never do anything. Pro athletes, like people who aren't looking at their own colons up close, like to go out and have fun. I don't believe that people should be prisoners of their own fame, however slight it may be. Anyway, some people like to go to strip clubs. That doesn't say anything about their character. That just means that they want to go see naked women. And if you're a guy who doesn't want to see naked women, other guys will come up with names for you like "Faggy McChinnuts, the Man With Dirty Knees."

I wasn't even there, but I'm a guy who's been to a strip club. I think I'm more qualified to speculate than a guy who's real name is Skip Bayless. First, they were probably in the VIP section. The strip clubs that the average broke joker can't afford usually has them. They were minding their own business, throwing money at naked women. The thing about strip clubs is, when someone with money comes in, strippers are going to flock to them. It's basic economics. And once the strippers found out that four members of the Indiana Pacers were there, the hottest strippers found themselves in that VIP room. Some guys got jealous and started talking shit. They were probably saying things like, "Them niggas ain't shit," and "bitch, I got money, too! They ain't nobody!" That's not their fault. That same thing could happen at the gas station. Some people are just jealous of people who are famous. And both situations could potentially end with Stephen Jackson laying across the hood of someone's car.

I'm gonna sum all this up real quick. Things like this do not always happen at the club, be it a nightclub or a strip club. This was an isolated incident. People forget, Stephen Jackson used to play in Atlanta, and if he was the trouble magnet that he's being painted as, he would have gotten into something here. People living in Atlanta can testify...if you're looking for trouble to get into, it can be found somewhere in Atlanta. It's why Isaiah Rider didn't last a season here.

Now, like the sportswriters, I also do not know what happened there, but at least I'm being honest about it. I am not judging anyone involved, but I do think that my story is the most likely scenario. The only reason I'm even writing this is because I believe that sportswriters in general need to come down off of their high horse and understand that sometimes, shit happens. The same thing would happen to George W. Bush if he didn't have the Secret Service protecting him. Someone would come up to him with a mad-on and I assure you, he'd get smacked in the face. Would it have been HIS fault for daring to be out in public?

The defense rests. *throws the mic down*

The Important Questions About Rep. Mark Foley

When Republican Congressman, Mark Foley is caught engaging in dirty talk with an underage male page on the internet, "No Spin Guru" Bill O'Reilly gets in there and asks the really tough questions: Was this information leaked by the Democrats?

That's right. Because when a creepy old man is sending sexually charged e-mails to teenaged boys from his Capitol Hill office, and the entire thing was fully known by the House of Representatives' Republican leadership (the "rapidly-going-down-in-flames" Dennis Hastert)as early as three years ago, the real issue is whether or not the Democrats were the ones who informed you. Not that an elected official has a taste for soft, supple, boyflesh.

That sort of right-thinking is to be expected from a man who unabashedly suckles at the teat of right-wing America's elephant mascot. He probably blamed the Democrats for exposing his sexual harassment lawsuit, too.

And let's not forget Fox News' Sean Hannity, in his desperation to show that Democrats are still the Hell-spawned evil that was prophesized in the Bible (that part is in the back; don't go looking for it), brought up a similar incident involving a Democrat in recent past...23 years ago. I didn't catch the name of the person he was referring to because I was still shocked and awed by the size of the balls it would take to refer to "23 years ago" as "the recent past" with a straight face. 23 years is long enough for all your old clothes to come back in style.

Then, when he had the Democrats on the ropes, he played his trump card…the Bill Clinton incident. Of course, he was conveniently forgetting the fact that Monica Lewinsky was well above the age of legal consent (22)….and a woman. They impeached him for that. If Clinton had tried to proposition young boys back when he was President, the Republicans probably would have called for him to be castrated on live TV.

Last but not least, Fox News, in all of their coverage, has begun labeling Mark Foley as a Democrat, whenever they show his name during telecasts. Could have been a typo, could be political distancing. But I wouldn't bet on the typo.

Republicans, just accept that your boy is a pervert and that Dennis Hastert knew, as reported by ABC's Brian Ross (on Bill O'Reilly's Fox News show, ironically enough). This is just the latest example of why you shouldn't watch Fox News. Only two people are really in danger of losing their jobs (Foley already resigned and Hastert was already under fire before this), yet the Fox Spin Doctors are out in full force, as if Dubya was caught bathing in the blood of puppies while having sex with his own daughters and eating the wings of angels. Is there really any reason to lie like this?

Nothing says "family values" like underage gay sex. Or spin doctoring. Vote GOP!

Cryme Tyme? And we're supposed to be okay with this?

"Cryme Tyme," huh? I swear, WWE just doesn't want black folks to like their shows.

Just when you thought that past gimmicks like "Akeem, The African Dream," "The Doctor of Style, Slick," and "The Nation of Domination," weren't offensive enough, here comes "Cryme Tyme," or "Cooning For the New Millennium." They haven't even debuted and they're already setting new low marks for black people on TV. The instant the first vignette was over, my buddy Tim, who never gets mad about anything, called me and said, "I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be laughing or if I'm offended."

The team consists of two young black males, robbing white people in seedy neighborhoods, dressed in hip-hop gear (complete with bulletproof vests), and talking heavily in slang. With that description, you don't know if I'm talking about real life or not. But because it isn't, it's going to go a real long way to improving our image. As if it wasn't hard enough already.

I guess the WWE is trying to finally capitalize on the long-sought after "hip-hop" dollar by speaking to us in a language that they believe we can all understand. I guess that language is supposed to be prison lingo. Thanks, WWE. Are you going to put 2 Cold Scorpio back in his pimp outfit, too?

And to heap on the racial uncomfortability (just making up words here), Shelton Benjamin is saying that he's been held back because he's black. Apparently, he has forgotten that he's talking to a majority white audience, and they don't want to hear that crap from you, even if you're able to get to the subtleties of your plight in your two minute backstage skit. Which you aren't. Yeah, you're going to get booed, but it's not real heat. They're booing you in the same way that they boo Iraq, or Muslim extremists. They ginuinely don't like it. We call that "X-Pac Heat." Basically, you're trivializing a very real problem. Sometimes, this does still happen, but no one's going to take it seriously, because by making a wrestling angle out of it, you've put it in the same category as "tag team partners being jealous of each other," and "Chris Jericho spills hot coffee on Kane." Thanks for furthering the struggle.

Believe it or not, the WWE had a pretty good run with non-embarrassing black people for a second, too. Faarooq had stopped setting us back when he was kicked out of the Nation. Booker T had come dangerously close to "cooning territory" during his feud with Stone Cold Steve Austin, but he straightened himself out again. After retiring "Sexual Chocolate," Mark Henry's biggest problem wasn't alienating black people, but staying healthy. All that goodwill went down the tubes a couple of weeks ago with the Cryme Tyme/Shelton Benjamin double-whammy. And they'd already been on shaky ground with Shelton Benjamin's momma. Yeah, because we've all got a fat, ghetto mama in a mumu. I hate you, Thea Vidale.

And don't think I've forgotten about Ernest "The Cat" Miller and Lamont. How does it make you feel that WCW used him better than you did?

WWE, know this. We've got enough trouble with members of our race embarrassing the rest of us on TV. Look at us. Al Sharpton is one of the primary black leaders. Hundreds of pro athletes are within a live mic at any given time. G-Unit continues to sell records. Flavor Flav's show is in its second season. BET is airing a video entitled "Fry That Chicken." We've got enough trouble without you adding to the negative stereotypes. We're adding to them just fine on our own.

Listen...I am a young black male. I've never robbed anyone. I've never attacked anyone. I've never been to jail. I don't wear my pants sagging off my ass. I don't have tattoos, gold teeth, or cornrows. I'm not in a gang, nor do I wish to be. I don't listen to 50 Cent. I've been to college. I read books. I'm pretty damn smart. Yet, I have been walking down the street, minding my own business, when the white people heading towards me crossed the street when they saw me coming. I've been stopped by the cops for no reason, just because I dared to walk the streets at night. I've been followed around so much by store security that I can pick them out when I see them. So pardon me if I fail to see the humor in your "racial caricatures." I don't look at Cryme Tyme with a "wink and a nod." I see them as giving white people more of a reason to treat me like I'm going to rob the place the second their backs are turned.

No, I don't expect you to understand, Vince McMahon, so I'll leave it that. Good luck with your racial humor. I hope your blaxploitation goes really well.