When it comes to judging whether or not the Atlanta Falcons are any good, I think it best to listen to a person who's actually watched them play. Therefore, while the guys on Fox or ESPN are retired pros and whatnot, they keep touting Atlanta and Michael Vick as something special. I do the same thing, except that I use "special" as a replacement for "almost fatally retarded." Anyone who believes anything otherwise is probably watching the games from the parking lot.
Every Sunday, I sit down to watch the Falcons, and every Sunday, I inch closer to suffering a fatal anger stroke. And seeing as how I'm probably going to Hell, I'll probably spend the rest of eternity watching Michael Vick and Greg Knapp conspire to ruin any chance Atlanta has to win games as my punishment. Yes, I said it. Michael Vick is driving this team to ruin, and offensive coordinator Greg Knapp is riding shotgun.
Most people wouldn't believe that Michael Vick is actually one of the Falcons' biggest problems and those people were among the people my mother saw at Wal-Mart during the game. Basically, people who aren't paying attention to them. I remember a couple of years ago, arguing down an entire barbershop over whether or not Vick is any good, which isn't exactly safe, considering the position a barber has you in. But I'm here to tell you, he isn't. What is he doing so wrong? I'm glad I asked.
For one, he's been here six years and hasn't made one hint of progression as a quarterback. As a passer, he still doesn't seem to have learned the basics of being a quarterback. He definitely hasn't gotten any better at it. His decision making is terrible, and I don't think he still knows how to check down through his receivers. That's particularly sad, because there's a 400-pound slob sitting on beanbag chair in his parents' basement playing Madden who can do that. People might argue that the receivers aren't open, but again, watch the games. Alge Crumpler has one move: Slanting in behind the defensive line. He's ALWAYS open. Ashley Lelie (he should be the starter) has beaten every defender who's been put on him. Roddy White has his moments. Michael Jenkins needs to be strangled. And half the time, Vick isn't even looking to pass. From the time the ball is snapped, he's looking to run. While I won't call him stupid, I will call him "the learning impaired" because everyone on the defense is looking for him to run, too. Opposing safeties don't even bother to drop back anymore. He's not going to bother to pass, so they shouldn't bother to defend.
Yeah, sure, he's fast, but in today's NFL, who the hell isn't? In today's NFL, you've got 280 pound linebackers who can run Vick down (Julius Peppers, from the hated Carolina Panthers). So while he might break off some big runs here and there, anyone who doesn't inhale bus fumes will tell you that you can't win that way. You can't depend on the big play to win games. That's where Greg Knapp comes in. His entire offensive scheme is dependent on getting big plays.
I've seen better play-callers than Greg Knapp getting loaded at Barnacles. Every week, he's tried to run on third and long. I've seen him line Alge Crumpler up in the backfield, which would be a good thing if Crumpler was fast. Until this week, I don't think he's even considered passing on first down, you know, just to try to fool the defense. Not a week has gone by that I haven't questioned this man's playcalling. It's almost like how I treated my parents after they told me they'd been lying about Santa Claus.
I also question a man who doesn't have the imagination to line up Michael Vick next to his good quarterback, Matt Schaub. This is a man who doesn't have the smarts to play Jerious Norwood more than two series a game, if for no other reason than to keep Warrick Dunn fresh. This is a man who can't seem to get Ashley Lelie in the game more, even though he's a far better receiver than anything else they've got on the field. This is a man who insists on running the damn COLLEGE OPTION, even though it hasn't worked in three games. I honestly don't think he's watching the games, either. I think he just calls the play, then goes to the bathroom, assuming that everything will go according to plan. He's lucky he's coaching here, where the fans don't really care. If he was up north somewhere, they would have left his dog's severed head in his bed by now.
You heard it here first: I'm starting the campaign to get Ashley Lelie put in as the number 1 receiver on the grounds that I'm able to walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. Who's with me?
What about the defense? I don't have any real problems with them. They do their job, which apparently requires carrying the offense. Because the Vick-led offense is so bad, the defense has to score points, too. I guess the media fooled them, too. Everyone seems to think that just because they rushed for almost 600 yards in their first two games, that they're a good team. Ask yourself instead, how many three-and-outs they had? How many passing yards? How many points the offense actually scored? How many field goals were punted? How many times they got to the red zone? Or, try watching the games. Either way, you'll finish the day with a headache. The question is whether it came from your high blood pressure or from slamming your forehead into the floor out of frustration.
Arthur Blank was on the sidelines today, and he wasn't smiling and he wasn't gladhanding everyone. Probably because the team was going down in flames, but one can't be sure. My dad began to wonder how much longer Blank was going to let this go on. I said that Blank hired Rich McKay so he wouldn't have to get involved. My dad said, "Every owner has a little Jerry Jones in them." So, to Arthur Blank, I say: "Unleash your inner Jerry." Do it before I find myself on trial for felonious assault.
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