I remember back when Beyonce was in Destiny's Child and she started that squealing shit. I guess that was her version of the Jodeci "Hoo-yeah," or Michael Jackson's "Shum-on." It was then that I knew that our listener/listenee relationship just wasn't gonna work. I mean, she was cute enough and I was willing to overlook the fact that Mick Jagger having a seizure in a mosh pit had more rhythm. But the squealing was going to destroy me.
Still, that eventually passed over befcause someone must have sat her down and told her than she sounded like two cats fighting it out in the parking lot. The squealing hadn't been heard since and I let the whole thing go. Next, there was the most telegraphed group break-up since Lionel Richie left the Commodores.
She led off with "Crazy in Love," which I never got tired of hearing, because the beat was hot and there was a Jay-Z verse, which means the rest of the song could have been Dick Cheney singing about his war profits and I'd still try to put a positive spin on it. Speaking of Jay-Z, Beyonce had begun seeing him, so out of respect for him, I decided to stop talking about her. It's not like Jay-Z was ever going to hear or care about anything I had ever said from now until forever on any topic imaginable, but I like to think that my efforts meant something. Ultimately, Beyonce didn't appreciate it, because she went out of her way to end my insult embargo.
While "Crazy in Love" was out, though, I began to defend her from time to time, because it's not as if she doesn't have her positive qualities. She's a beautiful girl when she's not all permed up. She's worked hard at being a better dancer and has come such a long way since those first couple of Destiny's Child albums, when she was a constant danger to herself and those around her. But the song quality has steadily declined over the years, going from, "Hey, this song isn't bad (Bills, Bills, Bills)," to "Okay, it's corny, but that's just music today (Bootylicious)," to "What kind of ig'nant shit...(SOLDIER)?"
That's where we are today: Ig'nant shit. In fact, we were at that level way before I had the chance to ask what the fuck a "Sasha Fierce" was. I should have known something was wrong when "Bug-a-Boo" came out, but I just wrote that off as an aberration on an otherwise decent album. I guess she felt that I hadn't been properly pissed off or something, because she followed that up with songs like her faux-reggae, "Baby Boy," "Say My Name," and the focus of at least 74% of my possible hatred, "Irrreplaceable." Due to today's lowered musical standards, the songs were unsurprisingly popular, so I was forced to hear them over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. On a related note, I also hate V103 in Atlanta.
No one ever accused Beyonce fans of having good taste, so I wouldn't expect them to understand why it bothers me to hear her whine her way through a song when I know she's better than that. Her fans would rightly point out that I can't sing and that if I were to start, angels would cast themselves out of Heaven and babies would eat their own souls. Who am I to criticize when I can't sing?
Well, sure she can sing better than ME, but that's like saying that Superman shoots heat rays out of his eyes better than I do. Some things I'm just not able to do and just because I can't do it doesn't mean that I can't tell when someone's doing it wrong. You don't need Spider-Man and Captain Marvel there to point out that Superman's use of heat vision to light schools on fire is a horrible abuse of power. And what Beyonce is doing to music these days is the equivalent of Superman picking off the kids who manage to escape the building unharmed.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she continues the assault on the the children in my ears when "Put A Ring On It." I think some of the stuff I said back in 2001 might have finally gotten back to her, because she wrote this just to get back at me. Or maybe this song is just a joke that I don't get. Either way, it's just an awful, awful, song and she couldn't have possibly been serious when she wrote what passes for a crime against humanity. Songs like this just don't age gracefully and the worst thing that can happen to a music career is to be too closely associated with the stupid. Kinda like how it was over for Paula Abdul after she made a video with that damn cat.
This is the path she's chosen, though, which means as bad as "Put a Ring On It" is, we still haven't hit rock bottom yet. Beyonce fans don't even seem to like that song and I've heard bad things about "If I Was a Boy" that I'll never be able to verify if there is a God in Heaven. If I have to die or go deaf to prevent me from ever hearing that song, then I guess it was just God's will. That's how far Beyonce has taken this thing: Hearing nothing at all has become a viable alternative to prevent me from hearing her.
I'm just kidding, God. I need my hearing. Without it, how can I point out nonsense like this?
No comments:
Post a Comment