Andrew Bynum is better than Dwight Howard

Sike.

Only if I'm bleeding from the top of my head would I seriously say something like that. Dwight Howard is better than Andrew Bynum, and if I ever change that statement, you'll know that something has gone terribly, terribly wrong in either Dwight Howard's career or my mental state.

But when I watch Andrew Bynum play, I see him doing some of the things that I want to see from Dwight Howard. No, not pouting or getting shoved out of the way. I'm talking about post moves. For the first six to eight minutes of every Lakers game, Andrew Bynum is one of the top three centers in the league.

The Lakers throw the ball into Bynum, he sets up and he goes to work. Hookshots, drop steps, up-and-unders; he's a "Dream Shake" away from being Hakeem Olajuwon. He follows shots, he rebounds, he changes the shots of opponents...and then after the first eight minutes are up, he's done for the night. If Lakers' games were only one quarter long, the Lakers would have lost about two games all season and Bynum would have been in MVP contention.

But Dwight Howard is a real center, so I try not to hold it against him. He's a center like Bill Russell was a center; defending the basket, cleaning the glass, slapping stickers of his face on the backboard. Just like Russell.

Still, he manages to get it done on offense. He's got pretty good running hook, he can jump over everyone on the court, and he can hit most of his free throws. Sure, 59% isn't a great average, but it still counts as "most."

When I watch Bynum, though, it makes me wonder what might have been or what is yet to come, with the right coaching. When you're drafting centers out of high school, it's all going to come down to coaching. It's not like there are a lot of former centers coaching high school to impart their wisdom onto the next generation of big men. In fact, so many of today's centers are so unskilled, it makes me wonder what they're really doing at Pete Newell's Big Man Camp.

If only they all could learn from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, like Bynum does. I actually look forward to watching Bynum play for those first six to eight minutes, because he plays like some of the great centers of the past. He has real post moves. He's an actual offensive threat, without settling for midrange jumpers like Yao Ming. And Kareem got that out of Andrew Bynum. Imagine what he could do with Dwight Howard.

Not that Patrick Ewing has done a bad job coaching up Howard, because he was starting with almost nothing himself. It's just that his "nothing" was able to slap anyone's shot into the eighth row. But Ewing didn't exactly have a ton of moves when he played, so what exactly was he going to teach Howard? The hook and the midrange jumper. Just look at his previous project, Yao Ming. 19.7 of the softest points per game you'll ever see.

But Dwight Howard is built to bang inside, to use the skills that Bynum is learning. Howard shouldn't be out shooting 17-footers, but that's where he'll eventually wind up. I know about how it draws opposing centers out from the basket, but banging inside helps you pick up fouls and draw double-teams. Plus, if Howard's not rebounding because he's shooting jumpers, then who will? Rashard Lewis can't do it because he's out even further from the basket than Howard would be.

Like I said, I'm not knocking Patrick, because he's done well with Howard. It's not like he's the guy who coached Robert Swift or whoever crushed Kwame Brown's spirit. It's just that I hope to get to see a Dwight Howard coached by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. How Kareem doesn't have at least an assistant coaching job in this league is beyond me.

Turns out the Lakers aren't old men

So the Lakers DO have the energy of someone younger than 60 years old.

For most of these playoffs, we have watched the Lakers sleepwalk through games like a team that has already won three or four championships. Luke Walton had me thinking he was actually a spy from the other team, and I wasn't sure Lamar Odom was even alive anymore.

Then, the Denver Nuggets smacked LA clean in the mouth during a 120-101 loss in Game 4. They had to stomach watching J.R. Smith tap-dancing, mean-mugging, and generally being a stereotype as they went down in flames in Denver. Not only that, they let a guy who actually answers to "Birdman" shut them down.

Maybe that was enough to finally wake the Lakers up. Lord knows I was tired of seeing them play like they'd automatically be in the Finals just because it's been prophesied by the Kobe/LeBron commercials. I think for most people, escaping Houston like they did would be enough for a team to realize that it's not gonna be a cakewalk.

And after predicting after every loss that the next game would be the one where LA would get it together, this one might actually be the one where they do.

Sure, they did this against Houston in a Game 5 blowout, but I don't think anyone ever really believed that Houston would win that series. Houston was always three seconds away from Yao Ming hurting himself (which happened) or Ron Artest overtaking Vernon Maxwell as the "Craziest Man in Houston." This Rockets team wasn't exactly "Clutch City," and the Lakers knew it.

But the Nuggets are different, because they're every bit as talented as the Lakers are. They're big, athletic, physical, and they've made the Lakers work for every point. The Lakers, at no point, have ever been in control of this series, and it never seemed to bother them. They were just fine watching Kobe scowl and heave contested jumpers. They didn't mind that Lamar Odom was stealing money from the team like his name was Rashard Lewis. Not until J.R. Smith started raining threes and doing his big boy swagger right in Phil's face. Now, the Lakers are diving all over the floor and into the stands.

Hey, whatever it took, it worked and it happened at the right time. If LA had lost this game, Nike and Vitaminwater might as well have stopped showing their commercials, because they weren't coming back. They were squeaking out wins against Denver before. With the confidence of beating the Lakers at home in pivotal Game 5 behind them, there would have been no end to the amount of J.R. Smith that we all would have had to deal with.

Now, they just need to sustain it. Can Lamar Odom show up for two consecutive games or will Kobe have to put the team on his back again?

Why should Gitmo detainees scare me again?

Can someone help me understand why I should be afraid of the Guantanamo Bay detainees possibly getting into an American prison? On the list of things I'm currently worried about, this one ranks somewhere in between "Spiders crawling out of my penis," and "Dr. Doom's nuclear policy." The idea that I can freely bang female inmates is way more frightening.

I just think that the Republican Party and it's media arm, Fox News, are just looking for ways to be critical, because if they had shown this kind of concern about whether or not President Bush was reading all of his memos, Guantanamo Bay probably wouldn't even be an issue. They can't actually be concerned about what could possibly happen inside of a federal prison.

I could see the problem if they were trying to transfer Gitmo detainees into a daycare center. That might be a problem. They're not asking Americans to move them into their basements, like they're quartering troops. They're going to be in a secure prison with other dangerous criminals, and if the locals aren't worried about serial rapists and child murderers being in their "communities," then why are they so worried about enemy combatants? I don't remember hearing about anyone leaving Kansas because "Michael Vick was too close to my dogs."

See, the stupidity of this argument is making people to forget the true nature of prisons. For one, they suck. No one goes there looking for a good time unless they're a sexual deviant of some sort. Second, they're generally far from regular people. It's not like they'll put a SuperMax prison right next to a Super Target, even if the names are similar. Third, they do actually lock the doors, the walls aren't made of bamboo, and Barney Fife doesn't work there.

I understand that there's always the risk of someone escaping, but that's the risk for every criminal that's locked up in prison, and a lot of them want to kill Americans, too. I don't see anyone advocating sending them to Cuba.

That's the thing: There are a lot of dangerous people in prison, which is why they're locked up and not walking free and drinking the blood of the innocent. It's not like the Gitmo detainees are more dangerous or supervillains. If they were trying to transfer General Zod from the Phantom Zone to Leavenworth, I can see how that might be a problem. The Gitmo detainees can be raped and shanked just like everyone else, and unless they're kept separate, a few of them probably will be. We're Americans, and our scum is just as deadly as anyone else's. Unless they've mastered spontaneous megaton exploding, I think things will be fine.

Let's say that one of them did escape. Do you really think that the first thing on his mind will be "exacting retribution against the Zionist War Machine who oppress the warriors of Allah?" Fuck no, stupid; he's either trying to keep a low profile or get back to his homeland, and unless Allah taught him how to fly when he was at Guantanamo, he won't be doing that second one. He probably doesn't know where he's going. He probably has no contacts and he has no money. That combination of qualities doesn't add up to "eminent threat against the United States."

If you're no more afraid of our own low-moral criminals, then you should be fine with these. And I'm fine with them being sent to the completely empty prison in Montana that I just saw on CNN. If the two laid-off guards are so worried about them escaping before they get there, and terrorizing the 183 people who actually live in Montana, then I guess you better make sure you stay extra vigilant.

Brett Favre. Because we can't be bothered with anything else.

If Wilt Chamberlain was considering a comeback to the NBA next season, that would be news. But because people don't generally come back from the dead to play basketball, we have to settle for the Brett Favre soap opera to lead off every SportsCenter. Why are we still talking about this?

I blame Brett Favre for it all, of course. I can't blame ESPN for following Favre around to high schools and doctor's offices, because that's what they do. They're just trying to sniff out a story that might be there, during a slow news period. Let's face it, the NBA players just aren't embarrassing themselves enough to sustain press interest.

It's Brett Favre's fault because all he has to do is stop throwing footballs with kids 30 years younger than he is. All he has to do is stop listening to offers from Mark Wilf, then Mark Clayton and Len Pasquarelli won't have anything to write about. It's not like they need this to keep their jobs. I hear Pasquarelli's on his way out, anyway.

It's also Brett Favre's fault because he already set the precendent by coming back last year after he "retired." Now, every time he tries to retire after this won't be taken seriously at all. Which means, whether he plays this season or not, we'll probably hear "rumblings" about a comeback all through the next two seasons.

So I can't blame ESPN for Brett Favre leading them around by those nose. It's what reporters are supposed to do; follow the story. If reporters for the major news outlets worked this hard, Bush might not have ever been President.

But I can blame ESPN for the wild speculation. Since an actual hit of news might come once every three days or so, they've gotta fill up the time with something else. Expecting them to talk about the NBA and NHL Playoffs is a ridiculous notion, so that's why they talk about how Brett will be "a good fit" for Minnesota, and think about what kind of offense they might run instead. And about how the players would love to have him. And how they love him already, even though he's not there.

Look, when Tavaris Jackson is your quarterback, just about anybody would be a better fit. Joey Harrington would light it up compared to Tavaris. And all this talk about Brett coming to town really isn't helping Tavaris's self-esteem at all. If Jay Cutler was the Vikings' QB, he'd have stopped taking his insulin weeks ago.

But since we're under 24 Hour BrettWatch, we have to sit through these things to get to the stuff that we actually care about. And truthfully, Ron Artest's love for Subway commercials is more important to me than whatever Dr. James Andrews told him about his shoulder. I'm sure Dr. Andrews told him what we already knew: It's all screwed up. He didn't need to fly to Birmingham to figure that out, because those Jets gametapes already told the story. Something else we've figured out about Brett Favre: He's the most indecisive 40 year old we've ever seen. I've had girlfriends that could decide what they wanted off of the menu faster than this.

It's something that his body has been trying to point out to him by completely breaking down. Shoulders falling apart is a sure-fire sign that he might be too old to keep doing this. So, just go on and retire, Brett. Unless you're completely attention-starved, there's no reason to keep this up. The way it dominates the newscycle, you'd think ESPN was testing interest for a new ESPN channel. ESPN-B. All Brett, all the time. To keep up the un-retirement theme, John Madden will come back to host it.

Just stop it, man. The sooner you retire, the sooner we can see you getting voted off of "Dancing With The Stars." You look like a guy who has no business going near a dance floor.

Another step in the evolution of Dwight Howard

Was Dwight Howard wrong for calling out his coach after the Orlando Magic's Game 5 loss to Boston? We can debate that forever and in truth, he probably was. After all, it's not like he did anything to step up to stop the bleeding during that fourth quarter collapse. Plus, calling out people is the press isn't for everyone, because he's not Phil Jackson.

But I do believe that this is a step in the right direction in the evolution of Dwight Howard. It wasn't that long ago that he planned on converting all of his teammates.

Dwight Howard has always been accused of being too nice. He's always joking, smiling, and laughing; enjoying himself. What's wrong with this guy? He's out there, having fun playing basketball, when he needs to get serious about this kid's game that he's paid millions to play. He should have never let Nate Robinson jump over him to win the slam dunk contest. He should have put his boot heel on Robinson's throat to assure that he won this exhibition that will do as much for his career as it did for Harold Miner's. The kid's just got no killer instinct, no competitive drive. He's just having too much fun.

While I think that his critics took it a little bit too far in their characterization of him, they are right about one thing: He needs to start demanding the ball. And I'm hoping that last night's press conference was the beginning of a new Dwight Howard.

I'm not saying I want him trashing everyone in the press or just being rude for the sake of being rude. He's not Shaquille O'Neal. I think Dwight Howard's a good guy in a league that doesn't have enough of them. He seems to get along with everyone and everyone seems to get along with him. More than anyone else in the league, his face and energy show that he's just enjoys playing basketball all day.

Happiness doesn't win championships, though. If he wants to be the leader of this team, carry them on his back (because Lord knows Rashard Lewis won't do it), and get them where they trying to go, then it's time to start ruffling feathers.

The great leaders don't sit back and watch their teams fall apart. The great leaders don't worry about feelings. If they did stuff like that, Kevin Garnett wouldn't have left Glen Davis in tears at the end of the bench.

The great leaders don't do this because they're self-serving; they do it because it needs to be said.

His timing might have been off, but his intent was dead on. "Get me the damn ball." If that's what needs to be said, then as a leader on this team (and as it's unquestioned best player), he needs to say it. If his team needs to play better defense or execute better or get to player meetings on time, then he needs to say it. He needs to be unafraid to grab Rafer Alston by the jersey and tell him to get the entry pass right or go back to And 1.

The fact that he was so tentative to speak his mind during the press conference shows that he's uncomfortable doing it. It's probably because he was saying it in a press conference, instead of directly to the coach, like he was supposed to. Hey, nobody's perfect. But if he wants his team to act right, he'll get over it.

Of course, he also needs to step up. I didn't see Dwight Howard (Defensive Player of the Year, mind you) doing anything to hold it together. There were no blocked shots, and while I understand it's hard to get rebounds when the other team isn't missing shots, Orlando was still throwing up a lot of bricks. The greats do everything they can to keep the team afloat, and he didn't. He still has no post game after five years. He still can't shoot free throws. Kendrick Perkins was still pushing him around. But hey, you gotta learn to pick your battles. He's still new at this.

Keep it up, though, Dwight. As the leader, it's your job to keep everyone on their toes. You're supposed to point out if you think the coach or your guys are doing something wrong. That's why they put your face on the program. But you can't be that leader if you're keeping your mouth shut. Leaders speak up and when they don't, teams lose.

Just look at the Atlanta Hawks.

Trying to kill the Celtics' joy

That nameless kid in Orlando wasn't the only one hurt during Glen Davis' celebration Sunday night in Orlando. Dwight Howard's and Rashard Lewis's feelings were hurt by all of the celebrating and joy on their court because none of it was theirs.

Lost in the controversy surrounding Glen Davis' flying shoulderblock on a kid standing courtside in Orlando is Dwight Howard's and Rashard Lewis's distaste for post-game celebrations. Dwight Howard was shown with his face all frowned up and calling for a technical, while Rashard Lewis said the following:

"It most definitely adds fuel to the fire,” Lewis said. “We don’t like that type of stuff. You have to be professional about the game of basketball. We’re a professional team and we expect them to be the same way.

“Those guys were jumping up and down, waving their hands at us, saying bye, but it’s not over yet; it’s just 2-2,” Lewis added. “We could have done the same thing when we won on their court, but we’re more professional than that. They still have to win ballgames. The series ain’t over yet.”

Basically, they're getting upset about stuff that they teach you to get over in third grade. What more can be said? It was an exciting play, possibly the most exciting situation in sports (the buzzer beating game winner), and you're mad because they're happy about it? Did you want them to just coldly walk off of the court? I'm sorry, Orlando. I wasn't aware that you were playing against a zombie team.

I don't blame Glen Davis for celebrating like he did. He just hit the biggest shot of his entire career. Let the guy have his moment. Don't get all pissy because he did it on your home floor, while standing over your defeated carcasses. You wouldn't have had this problem if you had won the game. Your bad.

Would it have been better if they had done it in Boston? Would that have made it easier to swallow, sweetie?

No, of course not, because instead of just the team celebrating too much for your delicate sensibilities, there would have been 25,000 fans doing the same thing. Howard and Lewis probably would have left the court in tears. Just be truthful with yourselves: You're mad that you lost. Nothing wrong with that. Just point the finger where it needs to be pointed.

Like, at general manager Otis Smith for tying this team's financial future to Rashard Lewis. When this team wonders why they're not getting any better, that will be the main reason why. Point it at Rashard Lewis for making a habit of disappearing in the fourth quarter, despite being a matchup problem for almost everyone on the Celtics' front line. Point it at Dwight Howard for not having a reliable post move that guarantees points. Don't point it at Boston for being happy that your team wasn't able to stop them. Be an adult and move on to the next game.

If you win it, you can get back at them for daring to be happy in Orlando. If you can't be happy in Orlando, where can you be happy? I thought Orlando was supposed to be "The Happiest Place on Earth."

It seems like every year, someone's complaining about an opposing team celebrating on their home court/field/ice. And every year, the answer's the same. If you don't like it, stop them from doing it. There are two ways to go about it, and one of them is really, really, illegal. So you need to focused on doing the other one, because they can't celebrate if they don't win. Well, they probably could, but they'd look really ridiculous.

Now let's get back to talking about what's really important: Glen Davis and his criminal assault of the rich kid at courtside. What a reprehensible act.

The "Skunk" Rule

I remember back in the days of playing ball at the playground and we had that rule in one-on-one where if one guy got up 7-0 over another guy to start a game, the game was over. We called it the "7-0 Skunk." I'm sure everyone is familiar with this rule, and if not, I don't know where you played ball.

The point of the rule was to clear the court for the next guy, because what's the point in watching a guy fail to come back from an 0-7 deficit? Everyone watching knew he wasn't going to back a 10-7 run. If a guy gets up like that on you, the point is made. He's killing you. So let's get to the next game. Do we really need to sit here and watch you keep losing?

It's a rule that the NBA could stand to adopt to help speed things along sometimes. Clear Cleveland's court to make room for the Celtics or Magic.

As I type this, the Cavs and the Hawks are playing Game 4 of their semi-final playoff series. The Cavs are on fire right now, while the Hawks are simply outclassed. The Cavs have won all seven of their playoff games by double digits and are playing on another level than the Hawks. It's not the Hawks' fault, because there isn't much they could have done to stop the beating that they're catching right now.

But there is something that the NBA could do. Everyone knows that the Hawks have no shot of even getting back in the series, let alone winning it. The Cavs know it, the Hawks know it, the 98 or so Hawks fans worldwide know it. That's why most of them stayed home tonight. They thought to themselves, "I already saw LeBron strangle the life out of them on Saturday."

So why not implement the "3-0 Skunk" rule?

Let's face it: If you're down 0-2 and can't stop from getting blown out at home in Game 3, do you really think there's a hope that you're coming back at all? Game 3 was supposed to be the game where you start fighting back. Were you waiting for Game 4 to mount your final defense?

Cleveland has already made their point. Unless they enjoy the thrill of risking of injury, there's absolutely no reason for them to play the Hawks again. They didn't just beat them; they beat the brakes off of them, mollywhopped them, whatever colorful phrase anyone can think up to describe double digit blowouts in three straight losses, the Cavs did it to the Hawks. Just call the series. Even if the Hawks manage to win Game 4, they're not rallying back. Does it really mean anything if they win one after losing three? Where was that effort two or three games ago, when it would have made a difference? Even if they win one, they're still losing Game 5 in Cleveland.

Same goes for Dallas. It's over.

And this rule can be used in more than just playoff games. We can make it work in regular season games, too. If a team is up by 30 or more points going into the fourth quarter, just call the game. I know most coaches use the time to get their bench players some run, but how much of a benefit is it to have bench players play against other bench players in garbage time? Coaches, you can do the same thing in practice. Let's just call the game, so we can get more time listening to Charles interrupting Kenny and EJ.

I don't love the Bulls this much...

And I thought I took the Bulls' loss hard.

Next time you take your favorite team's loss to heart and someone close to you is complaining about how big of a baby you're being over a game played by "guys whose only connection to you is your choice of wardrobe (Thanks for your support, Mom)," show them this story and they will see that you're really not that bad in comparison to some of our international sports brethren.

Seuleiman Alphonso Omondi, a 29 year old man from Kenya, hung himself after his favorite soccer club, Arsenal, of the Champions League, lost 1-4 to the rival Manchester United.

Omondi also almost got into a fight with a guy in the bar where he watched the game after the guy said that Arsenal was going to be able to comeback from a two goal deficit early in the game. While fighting the rivals' fans is pretty normal in America, hanging one's self when the team loses is taking the dedication a little bit too far. If that became common practice over here, the Raiders and Bengals would have shut down already because all of their fans were dead.

Surprisingly, it's not uncommon to see this sort of thing in Africa, according to the Reuters report I got this from. After my own intrepid research, I found one account that tells the story of a Cameroonian teen named Abdoulaye, who attempted suicide when his unfortunately named "Indominable Lions" lost to Egypt. He announced to his friends that he was going to "die with the Lions," and none of them made any move to stop him. A cop stopped him when he was about to fling himself from a bridge.

Maybe it's because I know what the word "indominable" means, or maybe it's because I just watched a team called the "Lions" go winless, but when your teams name combines both of those words, chances are you should prepare yourself for some heartbreak. Just a word of advice.

And attempted suicides aside, we've all heard the tales of soccer riots, players being executed for not winning, and all sorts of insanity surrounding international fans. So what have I learned from all of this?

We don't really love our teams here. No matter how much we profess to love our teams, none of us are willing to jump off of anything or pull any triggers based on a loss. We just take the ribbing from our friends, watch the draft, and get ready for next season. Maybe call for an executive to get fired. That's really about it. Next to the hysteria surrounding these guys, we don't even LIKE our teams by comparison.

It's not even always a case of insane nationalism, because Omandi's Arsenal team is based in Liverpool. That's in England; a clean 2,000 miles and 20 countries away.

I'll support my Beloved Bulls no matter how bad they get, but when they lost to the Celtics last weekend, the worst that I felt was a short depression that I was able to sleep off. Didn't even need to drink. If I had grown up in Nairobi, chances are I would have burned my building down over the whole thing. When the Atlanta Falcons lost to the Arizona Cardinals in the playoffs, I didn't throw anything at the TV or kick any dogs in anger. After the previous season, I was just glad they had a winning record. It's all a matter of perspective, and when it comes to international fans, that perspective is seen through a lens covered in blood and bone fragments.

I hope that the Bulls don't take my unwillingness to self-destruct as a sign that I'm not supporting them. How about if I buy another jersey? That's about the best I can do.

What are they paying you for, Yankees?

Since Alex Rodriguez has been out, all I ever hear from the New York Yankees is how much they need for Alex Rodriguez to come back. How they'll be so much better when he comes back.

The Yankees' total payroll is $201,449,189 and they can't win. What, is he carrying your steroid stash? Can't you make it work without him?

Sure, A-Rod is the Yankees best player. I get that. But if the Yankees are paying the rest of them as much as they are, shouldn't they be able to manage? This isn't basketball or football, where the best player draws double-teams or something like that. At the end of the day, you're standing up there alone, swinging a bat. It's not like A-Rod helps swing or provides moral support or anything. And weren't a lot of these guys "the best player" somewhere else before they played with Rodriguez?

Derek Jeter makes $21,600,000 and was the Yankees best player in the days before A-Rod. What, he can't swing a bat without A-Rod giving the opposing team signals in the dugout? Mark Texiera makes $20,625,000 and was the best player for Texas, the Braves, and one of the best for the Angels last season. Are the Yankee pinstripes sewn in with the kryptonite that is your weakness?

I don't understand. What are they paying Jeter or Texiera or Johnny Damon for if they still desperately need Rodriguez?

I understand that games are pitched differently if certain players are in the lineup. But the players on the Yankees roster are supposed to be some of the best players in the world. They are paid by the Yankees to be some of the best players in the world. If I'm George Steinbrenner or his loudmouth kid, I don't want to hear about how my players need Alex Rodriguez. What were you doing before Rodriguez got there?

If Alex Rodriguez goes down, then I expect someone to move up in the batting order and replace him. That's the sort of thing that's suppose to come free with a $201,000,000 payroll, because to some of these guys, it shouldn't matter where you hit. If they're that dependent on him, why not get rid of these guys and start some cheap losers? After all, the heavenly glow of A-Rod's soul will make everything right when he gets back.

Not only that, by most accounts, the rest of the team doesn't even like Rodriguez, and based on those pictures that came out, he does come off as kind of creepy. Shouldn't you want a guy like that to stay gone as long as possible? What if he starts kissing mirrors or touching himself in the clubhouse?

You needed pitching; you got pitching. You've got more offense than most teams would know what to do with. I'm not saying that you're not better with your best player; I'm saying that he should just be the icing on an already great cake.

Stop whining, Yankees. Play the game.