"Birthers." Even their name is stupid.

In 2009, people can say whatever crazy shit they want to and get on the news, so keeping in that spirit, I think Harry Truman's presidency should be revoked, because I don't even acknowledge Iowa as a state. I demand that Soledad O'Brien interview me, live and in person. With baby oil.

I'm not going to pretend that I've never been caught up in a good conspiracy theory, because no one was able to explain how Tupac got those Jordans months before they came out. But at the same time, I was 18, and teenagers are all full of stupid ideas, like how pulling out keeps girls from getting pregnant, or that their dreams can still come true. I think we're all allowed a few crazy ideas at that age, because the hormones haven't quite settled down yet.

But when you're in your 30s and 40s, reality shouldn't have just set in, it should have caused a drinking problem. Time travel isn't real, the secret coven of leprechauns haven't taught us magic, and you're never going to walk on to an NFL team. The dream is over. Your brain has finished firming up and there shouldn't be any new ideas working their way in there, like accepting Black people as President.

I guess that's the only way I can explain a movement like "The Birthers" actually taking hold. The other explanation I have is, these people are fucking stupid.

Some conspiracy theories, I can see why they keep going. 9/11 was never adequately explained to some people and the whole thing was overseen by Bush and Cheney, the most secretive administration in my lifetime. They look like they're hiding something. The JFK Assassination will never die until the extradimensional aliens outside of our realm of perception confronts us with the evil that infects our world. And who will ever forget the National Enquirer showing Elvis visiting his own grave in 1992?

But if your whole argument is that he wasn't born in America and they take the time to acknowledge your little fringe lunatic group by making the damn thing available to everyone on the internet (because if it's there, it's gotta be true), and all you can say is, "it isn't real enough," then fuck you, because you don't want an answer, you want confirmation that your crazy ass was right.

For the record, my birth certificate also says, "Certificate of Live Birth." People who read books take that to mean "birth certificate," but I see how the preposition and adjective can confuse you. I've seen a fake birth certificate. His isn't one of them. If it was, anal computer nerds would have come out of the woodwork, like that time "60 Minutes" got busted for putting the wrong font on those memos that said Bush tried to get out of his National Guard service. More people than just the barely literate would be on this.

So just be glad you're on TV, because you never saw the government lend credence to the 9/11 theorists, and you're way crazier than they are. Not only that, no one who likes having credibility never even says the phrase, "denying the Holocaust" unless their applying it to some racist who just shot up the place. Just be glad with what the attention you've already gotten, because the crazy movements before yours never got this far. As conspiracy theories go, you've hit the mainstream. All of the other ones are jealous little girls when they look at the "birthers."

What's funny is, these are the exact same people who had nothing to say except "suck it, Gore!" when Bush stole the first election. It's not even a conspiracy theory. It actually happened and has been documented that all of the votes were never counted and the Supreme Court crowned Bush as President. You're not doing this to defend the sovereignty of America, because your boy won. So what's this really about?

As much as I would like to say, "it's because you're racists who can't stand having a Black Commander-in-Chief," I won't, because apparently, it's no longer okay to accuse people of racism, even when it's clearly happening. It's almost like racists are doing like Jewish people do when they accuse everyone of anti-Semitism for being critical of Israel. So if white people call Michelle Obama a "monkey (like it's outside the realm of possibility)," the second Al Sharpton speaks up in protest (because you know Al's gonna have something to say), he gets accused of "playing the race card."

But, it's not like folks have ever asked any of the other Presidents to prove they're from America. Just this one. I can relate to that. It's like being asked the prove why you're driving a certain car or in a certain neighborhood. I'm not saying it's a race issue....I'm just saying.

I won't get into that, though. Since the "birthers" can't have a racist among them (they just CAN'T), we've gotta come up with a new reason why they hang onto this (along with the "secret Muslim" schtick, "closet Socialist," and "He's not like us,"), which brings me back to my original accusation...these people are fucking stupid. It's becoming interesting watching CNN anchors dance around calling them this on live TV. I put my money on Rick Sanchez slipping up. That guy is on the EDGE, just one bad day away from "Rick Smash!"

These people would have to be stupid to believe a conspiracy theory that far out there, because everyone knows that the Learned Elders of Zion handpick our Presidents decades in advance, and I don't see them overlooking a detail like him actually being from Kenya. That's why they're "learned." But, if it's that big a problem, just want three to seven years, and the problem will eventually correct itself.

Surprisingly, this DIY plastic surgery went horribly wrong

Woman's DIY Plastic Surgery 'Nightmare' - ABC News

Sometimes, we should just let some people die. When you're the kind of person who'd willingly perform plastic surgery ON YOURSELF, the odds are pretty high that your stomach will soon find itself trying to digest a bottle of Pine-Sol or a handful of broken glass, and I don't think we should waste valuable manpower trying to keep these people safe from themselves.

But that's the kind of person that Mary (not her real name, because she's rightfully embarrassed by her own stupidity) is. She ordered syringes and silicone off of the internet and injected it into her lips. And just when you thought it couldn't get stupider than that, did I tell you that she got the wrong kind of silicone? Instead of the real stuff that doctors use, she actually injected K-Y Jelly.

Her body immediately rejected it and FUCKED her face up, presumably as punishment, because only one of them was able to figure out that this shit wasn't supposed to be in her face, and it wasn't the one with the brain. See, when you have to depend on your body's violent rejection of a synthetic substance to let you know that you shouldn't have injected it into your body, you prove to be the kind of person that we should go ahead and be an example to the rest of us.

All I ask is that next time you put it on YouTube so we can watch it all happen. I'm sure YouTube-iverse would love to watch the effects of someone injecting hair dye directly into their follicles, because they think it'll make all of their hair change color.

It's probably mean of me to make fun of this woman, but she injected K-Y Jelly INTO HER FACE. When you're a dumbfuck of that magnitude, you kind of deserve what you get, be it ridicule, or permanent injury.

There are some acts of cosmetology that you can do yourself, like waxing your back or cutting your own hair. If you're doing your own plastic surgery, you might as well just make your appointment with the real doctor at the start, because there's no way you're not going to end up there. You might as well just cut to the chase and do it right the first time.

Scary thing is, this is a college-educated woman, which proves two things: Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you're smart, and no amount of education will stand in the way of a person determined to do something stupid.

Brock Lesnar: The Next Big Thing...again.

Today, the sports world is all aghast with the antics of UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar, because after he broke Frank Mir's face, he flipped off the fans, insulted a sponsor, spit into a camera, and taunted his challenger. He even told us he was going to bang his wife before the night was over. UFC Owner Dana White wasn't exactly pleased with what said and done, and made Lesnar apologize before the media. He can't have Lesnar acting like that in public.

At least, that's what he wants you to think. The truth is, this is exactly what Dana White wants and needs for UFC.

The belief is that UFC is trying to distance itself from professional wrestling, which is what all of the mainstream commentators would have you think. They want you to think that any similarity to professional wrestling would turn them into a joke. But I watched UFC back when it wasn't that popular. I watched back when Ken Shamrock and Royce Gracie ruled. And the age of 16, even I could see that UFC was going to start moving towards what wrestling was doing.

Yes, the fights were real, but the UFC was BORING. Yeah, it's noble for these fighters to have respect for each other and shake hands. It's good for them to be all stoic and have good clean contests.

But that doesn't sell pay-per-views. The Ultimate Fighting Championship, however you want to spin it, is a bloodsport. You can add rules to it and dial it back some, but at the end of the day, most of these men are crazy. You've gotta be at least halfway crazy to agree to do this. The fans know this, and the crazier these men look and act, the more popular they are. Look at Chuck Liddell. Look at Quentin "Rampage" Jackson. Look at Kimbo Slice. Even going back to Tank Abbott, these men are not wrapped too tight. And yet, they're some of the most popular fighters.

Crazy is good, because it makes people watch, and most importantly, it makes people BUY. Mike Tyson's skills had clearly diminished when he got out of jail, but his fights still brought in big numbers.

So Brock Lesnar talking crazy and talking out of his head really isn't bad for the sport of MMA. After all, here we sit, Monday morning, talking about Brock Lesnar. The only place he messed up was insulting a sponsor. Everything is else is good press. People wonder if the fans hate Brock Lesnar, but if I'm in charge, I WANT the fans to hate Brock Lesnar. It's basic promotion, something the wrestling world figured out a long time ago.

People didn't pay to see Ric Flair because they respected his wrestling acumen; they paid to see him because they wanted to see Ricky Steamboat, or Sting, or Dusty Rhodes smack that smug look off of his face. They hated Ric Flair so much that they just wanted to witness his downfall firsthand. Same with the New York Yankees, the Boston Celtics, the New England Patriots. People always watch the ones they hate, because they want to see them lose. And Brock Lesnar is cut from the same mold.

This guy is huge, he's quick, he's strong, and he improves from fight to fight. He's almost unstoppable, just from his size and speed alone. You can't punch with him. You can't out wrestle him. You can't tire him out. And he's an asshole. Plus, he came directly from WWE. Vince McMahon's giant wrestling circus. These guys can't fight, because they're just punk wrestlers, right? Hey, Brock, you're getting into a real fight this time. These aren't pulled punches. The UFC fans hated this guy from jump and they were willing to pay just to see him humiliate himself.

But then, he started dominating. Sure, he's only had five UFC fights and lost one. But other than the first fight against Frank Mir, he hasn't even been slowed down. And in the lead up to the second Mir fight, Mir talked trash. He made fun of Lesnar's WWE past. And that just made Brock lash out right back. This guy just beat one of your UFC heroes. And he let you know about it.

It's not like you need the fans to hate someone to be successful, but if you have one, you don't turn him away, because it's like a license to print money. When was the last time the UFC had a flashpoint like this guy? Brock Lesnar is a bigger heel in the UFC than he ever was in wrestling.

Yeah, it's all a lot like wrestling, but so is the UFC presentation. It didn't always look like that. It used to be closer to boxing. Now, they market wild personalities, everyone has loud, personalized theme music, darkened arenas, laser shows? Where do you think they got it from?

Just because it came from wrestling doesn't mean it's bad. And I don't think anyone's going to confuse UFC with WWE, because any idiot can see that the fights are real. Lesnar egging on the crowd is only going to help. It's not like one wrestling promo from him is going to destroy UFC's credibility. This is not the way to a ruined credibility for them. UFC will be fine. And they will benefit from this. In fact, if Lesnar keeps on winning like this, I guarantee you that any show he headlines will earn more than any other show. Not because he's the champion, but just because fans hate him.

And there are two fighters on the horizon that UFC must have. One in the MMA demigod, Fedor Emilianenko. And the other is another former WWE wrestler (and currently signed to TNA), Bobby Lashley. They're the only men who can challenge Lesnar. Fedor is simply the best fighter in the world. Lashley is almost exactly a clone of Lesnar. Either would be a perfect match-up for the champion. And both of them have name recognition outside of UFC.

You think that 1.5 million buyrate was great for UFC? Either of those guys will get it up to 2. Maybe even 3.

So let Dana White con you into thinking this isn't what he wants for UFC. He has to say that. But behind closed doors, that man couldn't have planned it any better if he were Vince McMahon himself.