Be Happy It's Not "A Woman's World"

Everyone likes to fantasize about how much better things would be if their kind were in charge. It's part of why Muslims are so willing to blow themselves up; because they think that we'd all be happier under Sharia law. They claim past successes like other constantly revolting Middle East societies as proof. The truth is, people pretending to be happy because they were scared. A large part of Sharia law is chopping off body parts, and all that "listening" and "pleading your case" really gets in the way of the hacking.

I say that to provide a warning to the women of the world, because it's well known that nothing is ever good enough for women. They always want more. And when it comes to women's rights, we're on a slippery slope, because in jokes, women are always talking about how great the world would be if they were in charge. Trust me, women, you don't really want that.

How do I know what women want? Because I know a lot of women, and they like to complain about what they don't like. So, it's not like it's a secret about what women want. And what you don't want is to run the world.

I'm not saying that women are incapable of being in charge, because they are. For one, they're in charge of every household in America (except the one on Dr. Phil where that fat kid slapped his mother. That would have never happened at my house, unless I was trying to commit suicide). Husbands (men) dance to the tune that his wife is playing. That's just how life is. But to think that the world would improve because women ran it, well, that's just lunacy.

I don't know where women get off thinking that way, because women can't get along with other women at a garden party. What makes them think that the situation will get better when they've got a nuclear arsenal at their fingertips?

Women get mad at each other over the simplest things, like wearing the same dress, but try to have the rest of us believe that they'll just talk out their problems. They do it all the time on sitcoms. Two women will be sniping at each other behind their backs, but once they're in the same room together, they decide that they adore each other and their burning hatred for each other was all the men's fault. Well, that's bullshit of the first order.

Women HATE each other. I don't have a female friend that hasn't uttered the following statement to me: "I HATE OTHER WOMEN." And with good reason. Women are petty, women are jealous, and women are vindictive. And no man is as hard on a woman as another woman. The only people who call women "whores" are other women, because men are okay with a woman who just wants to get hers. It's not like we can't relate.

And how will women running the world change their relationships with men? You think your man is jealous now because you're making more money than he is? How do you think he'll act when he has to report to you in every aspect of his life? At least now, he can go to work and get away from you.

If women wind up running the world, you might as well just turn into Amazons, because that's going to destroy the entire notion of manhood. And women LOVE manhood. Women love it when their men take charge and show initiative. If women are running things, then who's gonna sing those songs where women love their man for paying their bills? Beyonce's career will become extinct, because she'll have to start adding substance to her songs. And do you really think we're gonna keep opening doors for you? "Shit, you're in charge; you open MY door." You'll be encouraging us to be the lazy slobs you already think we are.

Women HATE IT when men aren't trying to get Master's degrees like they are. Women HATE IT if they have to do something because men didn't do it to THEIR LOFTY STANDARDS. They already resent us for the littlest things, like not doing things like them. If women actually started running the world, we'd see a rash of women dying of aneurysms.

Not only that, women LIKE to use their sex appeal to get their way. Well, if you're running the world, who are you going to seduce? The only reason why that works is because men can't say no. Women were trained (mostly by dealing with horny men) to reject all sex until they decide to go along with it. If men aren't promoting chicks that they're sleeping with, then who are you gonna gossip about?

It's just going to create a world that you, women, will not be happy in. I'm just trying to save you from yourselves. Just be happy with shattering that glass ceiling instead of having delusions of grandeur.

Moral failings are no longer news

Dial it back a little bit, commentators. Tiger Woods' career isn't even gonna take a hit from this. No one even really cared about this story until AFTER he drove into a tree. Until then, it was just another athlete stepping out on his wife. "Yawn. At least Shaq slept with Gilbert Arenas's wife to make it interesting."

Sure, it's embarrassing, having private voicemails and text messages out there in the public eye, but in the end, who's really gonna care? Yes, he was wrong, but he didn't do anything to the public-at-large, so why would any rational person hold this against him? The only person he owes any explanation to is the white woman that hit him with that golf club. Me, I'm just hoping Tiger learned not to leave the evidence everywhere for folks to find next time.

See, people don't seem to realize that we don't live in the "stare-down-your-nose-disapprovingly-and-judgmentally" society anymore. No one cares about the moral failings of our celebrities, which is why "making great movies" is an adequate defense for Roman Polanski drugging and raping a 14-year-old. No, "giving a shit" keeps us from laughing at Lil Wayne having four kids by four different women this year. That shit SHOULD BE disgusting, but that's just the way of the world today. Ah, bastard children. Hilarious.

It's 2009, though, and we love our TMZ, Smoking Gun, and reality TV. We don't like to point out that our public figures are ethically and morally bankrupt (except politicians and corporate CEOs, of course...fucking with my money), because we're writing it off as "entertainment." "I love watching these rich hood rats fight each other, because it's not real life. It's inside the TV. Hey, you heard that new R. Kelly yet?" No, one really cares, because our public figures in 2009 are just as trashy (or in Robert's case, WAY MORE trashy) as the rest of us.

Now, if Tiger had done something that got him put in handcuffs, you might see a little different reaction, the kind of overreaction that's always about "the children." You know, because everyone knows that kids are huge fans of golf and the news.

But the way the world is now, can anyone REALLY get on him too harshly for this? I mean, it's hard to judge someone when you're hiding mistresses' phone numbers under guys names in your cell phone. "No, baby, Jared's not a woman; he's saving his voice for karaoke." It's hard to point fingers when you're taking phone numbers from guys that you KNOW want to fuck you, relationship or not, justifying it by calling them "my friends."

How many regular folks these days are cheating on their husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends? What's the divorce rate these days, like 55%? Politicians are dropping off the moral high horse like flies and it seems like every day, some celebrity is getting caught up in the same trashy drama that regular folks do. It's old hat now, seeing a wife chasing her husband down the street with a golf club, while he drives into a tree. That happened over here six times before the mailman came.

We should just be glad that what happened was all that happened. No one got stabbed, no one got shot, no one got beaten into a pulp in the passenger seat of the car, because Tiger's concussion came while he was still in the house. Allegedly.

It would be nice if all of our public figures would stop sleeping with everyone, but that's not likely to happen. They're not magical faery folk from a fabled land far away, they come from the same places that we do, so it's not like we should be shocked that they act this way if WE are also acting this way. All we can do is keep trying to do better ourselves, and hopefully, it'll rub off on others. And by "keep trying," I mean "START trying."

Tiger Woods ain't gotta say shit

By now, everybody has heard about Tiger Woods running into a tree down the street from his house at 2:30 in the morning. Everybody knows about his face being scratched up, how he had blood in his mouth, and how he was laid out in the street when the cops got there. Everybody knows that his wife busted out the windows of the truck to save him. We also know that Tiger ain't saying shit else.

He's not talking to the cops, he's not talking to reporters; I don't even think he's coming outside until his face is healed up. And you know what? He doesn't have to.

I know reporters are going to keep trying to get at the truth, because that's what they're paid to do. I know the cops want a statement, because he drove over a fire hydrant and hit a tree. But Tiger hasn't committed a crime here. Tiger has no obligation to the press and once he showed his license and registration to the cops, he didn't have to say anything further to them. He doesn't have to tell the whole story to us or anyone else. At this point, all we're doing is wasting gas flying helicopters around his house or posting up on the corner looking for a statement. We're not getting one.

He already said all he was going to say on the matter, and while I don't believe the official story (if she had the good sense to run and get a golf club to bash out the window, why couldn't she grab the extra car keys instead? Because she already had the club and wasn't done swinging it at him yet. That's why he ain't have no shoes on, cuz that chick was crazy.), who the fuck am I?

This is one of the things that's wrong with us: Even though we have all these websites and folks with cameras everywhere and Twitter, these folks are entitled to their privacy and we don't need to know everything that's going on inside their homes. The irony is, the same people who are trying to get the dirt on Tiger (or any other celebrity) are the same ones who sit around complaining about how "that nosy bitch won't keep my name out her mouth."

Tiger (or anyone else) don't owe us shit. Some people believe that because they spend their money to see them or wear their clothes or whatever the case may be, that these folks owe them something. "I spent all this money supporting you, and this is the thanks I get? Where's the gratitude?" It's kind of a backwards way of thinking to me. It's not like we give these people money out of the kindness of our hearts. We're getting something for our money.

We get to watch Tiger play golf or we get to wear Michael's shoes or we get to listen to Jay-Z's music. At that point, we're even with these cats. Money was paid, services were rendered, everybody's square. Obsessing over their lives is something you're doing for free, and just because you're putting all this extra time into them doesn't mean that they actually owe you extra information. You don't extra credit for being a fanatic (or being nosy), unless your goal is to get a restraining order.

So go ahead and keep quiet, Tiger. The speculation is more fun, anyway. And it's amazes me how quickly everyone learned to pronounce "Uchitel."