Sarah Palin says "morbid obesity = freedom."

What the fuck, Sarah Palin? Who the hell bitches about fighting obesity?

It's an argument so pointless that fuck anyone who supports her on any level. Yes, I meant it just how I said it. Going the other way on an issue like that, whatever the reason, is like going against smiling. Or puppies. How can't you support children losing some weight? They're having strokes on their way to sixth period. I bet if the choices for Sarah Palin were, "support the First Lady" or "inject these fat kids with AIDS," she'd argue that AIDS would help them lose weight faster than MASSIVE GOVERNMENT OVERSIGHT. So fuck that ditzy broad.

All she's doing is avoiding talking about the actual topic, which is our national muffintop epidemic. And she's not even doing it right. If you want to complain about government intrusion in our lives, then take on a fight that makes sense, like how the TSA is trying to see us naked and touch our privates.

The First Lady isn't handing out a government mandate to ban anyone from deep frying chocolate chip meatloaf. And she's not spreading propaganda that claims that eating McDonald's is the same as swearing allegiance to Comrade Stalin. She's just making a suggestion to parents who might not know that starving their kids is probably a better food option than the Double-Down Sandwich.

Parents have to ward off negative influences that surround their kids at a higher rate than any other time in history. They have to compete with things like Lady Gaga and her meat panties, Harry Potter's Satanic Magic School (a very REAL concern!), Jersey Shore's detailed instructions on how to contract hepatitis, boys are trying to bang girls, hot teachers and Catholic priests are trying to bang boys; it's a real crazy world out there.

But when someone comes at parents with some information they can actually use, now this chick has a problem. Well, fuck you, Sarah Palin. Where was all of this concern when No Child Left Behind was failing on every level? Where was she when schools were (and still are) laying off teachers left and right? She probably didn't know about it, because her stupid ass can't read and "Waiting for Superman" hadn't come out yet.

Michelle Obama isn't out there trashing food companies or trying to sue them for killing Americans (although it wouldn't hurt if someone did). Encouraging people to stop eating before breathing becomes a difficult endeavor is in no way a negative thing, no matter how Fox News tries to paint it. If the problem is that it's someone associated with the government is saying our kids need to eat better, get over it. Two things: If it was the law to do what the First Lady said, then "Just Say No" would have worked, and second, if parents really knew what was best for their kids, we wouldn't have a generation of mini-sumo children.

Sure, some parents know what they're doing. But some of them should have been spayed or neutered well before puberty hit. Unfortunately, it's too late for that crucial surgery to take place, because now some of them have two or even six kids. If these people knew how to make positive choices for anyone, at least five of their kids wouldn't be here now. Clearly, they're lacking in that department. So the First Lady is trying to show some of them the light. She's not trying to convert anyone to another religion (although we know the secret Muslim is her is dying to do so), she's talking about fucking food.

Is it the government's job to make your kids eat better? No, but then again, only stupid people think that that's what they're doing. It also isn't the government's job to invade other countries so America "looks strong," but they do it. If your parenting is so suspect that it's threatened by a black woman who's only seen by most people through the TV, then you should probably put your kids up for adoption. Either way, she's only talking about putting down the fried ice cream sandwich burger and picking up the broccoli. Now, if you can't get on board with that, then really, what are you even here for?

Seriously, what positive has Sarah Palin brought to the world? Other than providing jokes for all of political satirists (because she is so spectacularly stupid), what positive ideas has she ever brought to the table? How has she tried to make life better for any Americans not named Sarah Palin?

By getting her untalented kid on Dancing With The Stars? Sure, Bristol got a check, but her presence made people talk about Dancing With The Stars even more than normal and that hurts America.

By adding to our catalog of terrible reality shows? All she did was expose how desperate The Learning Channel is after the Jon and Kate Plus Eight gravy train dried up.

Has she ever scribbled down an original thought that wasn't already spoken by the Republican leadership? Ever said anything that wasn't negative or hateful? Did she even write her own goddamn books? What does Sarah Palin do, other than piss me off?

Because if all she can do is sit on the sidelines and bitch about everyone else's efforts to try something different to change what's already going on, then she's no different than Newt Gingrich, Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, John Boehner, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, and all the rest of these crabby old men in the long line of people I'd like to piss on, as a show of my respect for them. And if you stand with her, you're even dumber than she is. And her level of dumbness is considerable.

In no uncertain terms, fuck that bitch. Thoroughly and completely.

Why You Should Go Vote

Everyone has an opinion about how the country should be run, except for those people who never have an opinion about anything. Those people are irritating, because if you can't tell me why you do or don't like something, then it suddenly becomes my right as someone who grew a pair to make you like whatever I tell you to like.

But if you do have an opinion, let's be realistic about how far you're going to take it. Everyone talks shit about going to Washington and kicking a politician in the nuts, but no one's actually going to do it. Not while "Dancing With the Stars" is on. Most Americans aren't even going to bother writing a letter, because why waste all that focus and concentration that can be used on "Farmville?" So since you're not going to risk drawing the attention of the FBI to be heard, why not go vote instead?

Voting is the most American thing you can do that will actually have an affect on anything. You're participating, while actually putting out minimal effort, which is what all Americans should want, being the laziest collection of people that isn't also a black or Mexican stereotype. The only thing in politics more American than that is complaining, and that the only way that helps anyone is if your goal is to be Glenn Beck.

We should all want to go vote, because no one is really asking you to really do anything, other than leaving the house for a couple of hours and standing up. That's it. No real effort. No following up on bold claims that were made or following through on promises. You don't even have to remember the names of the people you're voting for until it's your turn to vote, and if you decide that you want to remember before that point, there are usually sample ballots on the walls with their names on it. There isn't even any physical labor anymore, because they replaced the levers with touchscreens. Other than standing and walking, voting is tailor-made for lazy people to get involved in government.

Most importantly, you get something back in return: The right to complain without being an asshole. Voting is THE basic involvement in the political process, the smallest possible thing you can do to get involved. If you translated it to the real world, it's like being the itch that helps the balls get scratched. Minor and easily overlooked, but without it, the balls won't get scratched otherwise. And who doesn't like scratched balls?

So if you can't bother to do that, then no one in politics cares what you think. Not voting makes you a movie critic who got a chance to make his own movie, but passed on it because he didn't want to give up his opportunity to keep bitching at actual movie-makers.

And the argument that "Your vote is wasted because both parties are two sides of the same coin," is the argument that people make when they have no idea what's going on. First, they came up with that argument as a justification for being too lazy to even go push buttons on a touch-screen.

Second, anyone who bothers to make themselves even slightly familiar with politicians knows that they're not all the same. One side is clearly a group of elitist fascists, sworn to bring back the 1920s and the days of the robber baron, and their borderline terrorist splinter groups, the Libertarians and the Tea Party, all of which are trying to hasten to return of anarchy and/or Jesus. The other side is a group of unorganized activists who champion whatever cause was made popular by a cast member from "Ocean's Eleven." And if that doesn't get you on their side, there's always "race" and "poor people." I'd bring up the Green Party, but I want you to take my examples seriously.

It's a time-tested excuse, along with the one where they say, "Your day-to-day life won't change." Except for that 9.6% unemployment rate.

So really, if you're an actual adult, there's no reason why you shouldn't go vote. It's part of being a grown-up, like mattress shopping or giving up the enjoyable parts of your life. It won't kill you to actually go do it, because it's free and is only done once every two years. And like I said before, no actual work or effort involved. I'm just trying to appeal to you in a way that you can understand, because we all know that trying to appeal to your sense of civil responsibility has worked so well in the past. Just look at jury duty.