Why You Should Go Vote

Everyone has an opinion about how the country should be run, except for those people who never have an opinion about anything. Those people are irritating, because if you can't tell me why you do or don't like something, then it suddenly becomes my right as someone who grew a pair to make you like whatever I tell you to like.

But if you do have an opinion, let's be realistic about how far you're going to take it. Everyone talks shit about going to Washington and kicking a politician in the nuts, but no one's actually going to do it. Not while "Dancing With the Stars" is on. Most Americans aren't even going to bother writing a letter, because why waste all that focus and concentration that can be used on "Farmville?" So since you're not going to risk drawing the attention of the FBI to be heard, why not go vote instead?

Voting is the most American thing you can do that will actually have an affect on anything. You're participating, while actually putting out minimal effort, which is what all Americans should want, being the laziest collection of people that isn't also a black or Mexican stereotype. The only thing in politics more American than that is complaining, and that the only way that helps anyone is if your goal is to be Glenn Beck.

We should all want to go vote, because no one is really asking you to really do anything, other than leaving the house for a couple of hours and standing up. That's it. No real effort. No following up on bold claims that were made or following through on promises. You don't even have to remember the names of the people you're voting for until it's your turn to vote, and if you decide that you want to remember before that point, there are usually sample ballots on the walls with their names on it. There isn't even any physical labor anymore, because they replaced the levers with touchscreens. Other than standing and walking, voting is tailor-made for lazy people to get involved in government.

Most importantly, you get something back in return: The right to complain without being an asshole. Voting is THE basic involvement in the political process, the smallest possible thing you can do to get involved. If you translated it to the real world, it's like being the itch that helps the balls get scratched. Minor and easily overlooked, but without it, the balls won't get scratched otherwise. And who doesn't like scratched balls?

So if you can't bother to do that, then no one in politics cares what you think. Not voting makes you a movie critic who got a chance to make his own movie, but passed on it because he didn't want to give up his opportunity to keep bitching at actual movie-makers.

And the argument that "Your vote is wasted because both parties are two sides of the same coin," is the argument that people make when they have no idea what's going on. First, they came up with that argument as a justification for being too lazy to even go push buttons on a touch-screen.

Second, anyone who bothers to make themselves even slightly familiar with politicians knows that they're not all the same. One side is clearly a group of elitist fascists, sworn to bring back the 1920s and the days of the robber baron, and their borderline terrorist splinter groups, the Libertarians and the Tea Party, all of which are trying to hasten to return of anarchy and/or Jesus. The other side is a group of unorganized activists who champion whatever cause was made popular by a cast member from "Ocean's Eleven." And if that doesn't get you on their side, there's always "race" and "poor people." I'd bring up the Green Party, but I want you to take my examples seriously.

It's a time-tested excuse, along with the one where they say, "Your day-to-day life won't change." Except for that 9.6% unemployment rate.

So really, if you're an actual adult, there's no reason why you shouldn't go vote. It's part of being a grown-up, like mattress shopping or giving up the enjoyable parts of your life. It won't kill you to actually go do it, because it's free and is only done once every two years. And like I said before, no actual work or effort involved. I'm just trying to appeal to you in a way that you can understand, because we all know that trying to appeal to your sense of civil responsibility has worked so well in the past. Just look at jury duty.