One of my old co-workers died recently and I was really at a loss for words. Not because we were particularly close or anything, because we weren't. In fact, we didn't get along at all. But I was real cool with her son, whom I also worked with, and so i wanted to say something supportive to him and a couple of other people who worked there. And that's when i realized i had nothing prepared for such an occasion.
When you're a socially awkward person like I am, you have to prepare for the moment when the world forces you to interact with others, sometimes on an emotional level. For those who are personable and likeable, you probably won't understand, since you're able to use words to express what is in your heart. But for those of us who spend a dangerous amount of time inside their own heads, preparation is necessary. Usually, I have some stock phrases that i keep on call for certain situations. One of the worst feelings is to be caught out there, fumbling over your words when someone speaks to you in the hallway. By the time you come up with something, the person who spoke to you is already around the corner, thinking what a rude asshole you are.
So you have to prepare for that mundane interaction by coming up with a variety of responses in the event that someone does speak to you. If you're particularly anal, you might write them down or rehearse them in the mirror, so you can get used to saying them without spitting in anyone's face. Me, I like to imagine each scenario, where I'm able to effortlessly rattle off the response to each greeting. My timing is always perfect, and sometimes, I even give the double point to the person walking by. Yes, even in my imagination, I'm lame.
Anyway, you might have some go-to jokes or sarcastic comment that usually works in a variety of situations. You might have a self-effacing comment for that person who asks how your day is going. "I can't call it," works when you're around black people. I don't even know what that means.
But I got nothing for when someone dies. Nothing. I wish I could be that person who always has the right thing to say in moments like that; the person who can console an entire room of people with just the sound of his voice. That's the kind of person who talks people out of killing themselves, or influences people to turn their lives around. They're like the opposite of a high school football coach.
Me, I'm the one in the back of the room with his head down, precisely because I don't want to make eye contact and be forced to speak. I know I don't have anything to add, so why make this gathering awkward for all of us? Just leave me back here to draw my pictures of Spider-Man fighting the Ultimate Warrior.
I genuinely struggle with all kinds of sad or sentimental moments. You'd think someone who wrote all the time would be better at that sort of thing, but it seems I'm only good with being critical, sports, movies, and mockery. The worst part is, I can't even do those in spoken word form. Sadly, technology hasn't evolved to the point where I can use a keyboard to speak all of my words for me.
I know most people don't even have to think about this sort of thing in sad situations like death, because they have religion to lean on. They can regurgitate any number of Bible quotes at a moment's notice, and all of them are the right thing to say, because they're almost identical. "Trust God, it's His will, I'm praying for you (almost always a lie), He's right on time," and much, much, more. It's like Time-Life's "Most Pious Greatest Hits Collection."
Not to say that they don't mean it or it isn't heartfelt, but no real thought is going into that. They're just saying something they heard someone else say. People have been saying those exact things to each other for literally the last 1500 years. But that's the goal, I think. You want something that will resonate with people, but no one has the time to think up something that good every single time something tragic happens. So, plagiarism works, too. The Bible is a large book with tiny words, and the majority of people who claim that they've read it haven't actually read it. So you're in the clear, even if you decide to make up something that sounds Bible-ish. Really, just say that the Lord has been there for you like he was for Methuselah, and people will just nod and say "Amen," never realizing that God killed Methuselah before the Great Flood so he wouldn't have to die with everyone else. So uplifting.
Sadly, I'm not religious, so I have to think up my own material. And there's my problem. What do you say to someone who's lost their mother? I mean, I care, and I hurt for him, even if we haven't spoken in years. I don't want to lie and tell him I'm praying for him (because I'm not), but he and his family are in my thoughts. How do I get that across in one or two sentences that will hopefully help him through a trying time?
Because I don't think Kardashian jokes are going to go over well in that circumstance.
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