How Not to Repair Your Image

Chris Brown's new YouTube video is a prime example of why celebrities should have publicists. If Chris Brown had one, they've probably shot themselves by now.

I've never been famous before, but I've watched every episode of "Entourage," so I feel pretty safe in saying that when dealing with the media, you want to put your best foot forward. You want to present a good image, so that soccer moms won't freak out when they see your poster go up on their daughter's wall. Fortunately, for Chris Brown, that's no longer going to be a problem, because everyone's already seen what Rihanna would look like after a bar fight.

Basically, Chris Brown's career is dead. My exact words after all of this came down were, "I hope he knows how to produce or play a musical instrument."

But "Slugger" doesn't agree with me, which is admirable. And it's going to take a huge uphill battle on his part to get him back to a place where people don't automatically associate him with a broken orbital bone.

A good publicist would probably start with a list of talking points that repeated almost verbatim on every major talk show in North America. You should think he's a part of the Bush Administration by the way he sticks to his script. There should be a carefully crafted image that's being presented, with as much charm and good grammar as he can muster. And none of it should include the word "hater." You're trying to carefully repair your image, not renew your hood pass.

Clearly, "Rocky" doesn't see it that way. If he has a publicist, they're either focusing on smarter clients, like Amy Winehouse or preparing a tasty cocktail of rum, coke, and strychnine. Amy Winehouse only appears in the news when the story is about drugs or when she goes back to the hospital and she's a publicist's dream in comparison to Chris Brown.

To put it another way, celebrity sex tapes create more positive press than a YouTube video where you and your boy address the "haters." We understand that you might be a pretty good guy, but there are more eloquent ways to say it than throwing in, "I ain't a monster," as an afterthought at the end of the video.

You might not be a monster, but you're only slightly smarter than DMX. DMX, while a total loon, is capable of understanding why people continue to be upset with him. You dismiss your critics as "haters," as if blacking your girl's eye is somehow okay. At least you chose "Graffiti" as your next album's title and not "Blood on the Dashboard."

Then again, your target audience is the same one that kept buying R.Kelly CDs. Your YouTube video might make your sales explode for all I know.

My "2 Girls 1 Finger" Reaction

I just got done watching "2 Girls, 1 Finger," the just-as-disgusting companion piece to "2 Girls, 1 Cup." This is going to be my reaction video.

I'm not going to sit here and ask what is wrong with our society, because I know what's wrong with it: It's fucked up. We like shit like this, watching people do the most ridiculous things for our amusement or horror or whatever the case may be. This is who we are and it's not my place to judge, because I just got done seeking out and watching a video where two girls are vomiting and shitting in each other's mouths. What can I really say to anyone? "You're sick for watching that video?" I just got done watching a second version of it. The saddest part of this isn't that two girls are doing this to each other; it's that watching it isn't even a unique or even extraordinary experience for me anymore. Two girls vomiting and shitting in each other's mouths is old hat.

So the question I'm here to ask is, "Where do we go from here?" How do we top this? Because I don't know how much worse it can get. There is a series of videos featuring two girls vomiting and shitting in each other's mouths. Somehow, I don't think that this is the future that the inventor of the video camera had in mind. I think if he knew that a common use of his greatest creation was capturing the sickest, most depraved events that one can imagine for personal entertainment, I think he might have had a few drinks before lighting the whole thing on fire and trying to invent something else.

I mean, let's recap: You have "scat" videos (these fall under that category. Yes, happens so frequently that there's an actual name for it), there's also videos of the BME Pain Olympics (which I will not watch), bestiality videos, Jackass, people accidentally hurting themselves, "Faces of Death," "Banned From TV," and a host of sports injuries videos, starring Joe Theismann. Which means the next way to top all of this is, naturally, eating the feces of other animals. For all I know this has already been a feature of "Faces of Death."

How much worse is it going to get? Are we going to have videos of people fellating their dead relatives before devouring their carcasses? How about people eating fresh roadkill right off the street? Someone really trying to shove a human head inside their own ass? I really don't know where it's all leading, but it's just a matter of time before we really have game shows like "The Running Man" or "The Condemned." We are part of a voyeuristic culture that enjoys the pain, misery, and outlandishness of others without having to actually deal with any of the repercussions, which I suppose is only natural. We laugh at these things, show our friends, turn it off and go about our day. It's safely inside the computer screen, so it's almost like they're not real people. And certainly, they're not going to give us their real names so we can find out where they live. The ones who eat shit are never getting kissed by a well-adjusted person ever again.

Is this stuff wrong? Because I don't go to church, I don't believe it's my place to say if it's wrong or not, and frankly, that's not really the point to this. I'm just asking the question. Is it funny? Hell, yeah, it's funny, because I can't believe someone's fucking crazy enough to do that shit. Just when I thought the kid who lit himself on fire after seeing it on "Jackass" was the dumbest motherfucker alive (actually, that stunt killed him), there's a group of four women apparently competing for a title that the rest of us didn't even care to know existed: "Best at making the audience throw up."

But who can we blame for it? Who can we blame for our escalating voyeuristic desires; we who enjoy the horrific injuries and blatant stupidity? That's easy.

Bob Saget and "America's Funniest Home Videos." Let the picketing commence.