How Not to Repair Your Image

Chris Brown's new YouTube video is a prime example of why celebrities should have publicists. If Chris Brown had one, they've probably shot themselves by now.

I've never been famous before, but I've watched every episode of "Entourage," so I feel pretty safe in saying that when dealing with the media, you want to put your best foot forward. You want to present a good image, so that soccer moms won't freak out when they see your poster go up on their daughter's wall. Fortunately, for Chris Brown, that's no longer going to be a problem, because everyone's already seen what Rihanna would look like after a bar fight.

Basically, Chris Brown's career is dead. My exact words after all of this came down were, "I hope he knows how to produce or play a musical instrument."

But "Slugger" doesn't agree with me, which is admirable. And it's going to take a huge uphill battle on his part to get him back to a place where people don't automatically associate him with a broken orbital bone.

A good publicist would probably start with a list of talking points that repeated almost verbatim on every major talk show in North America. You should think he's a part of the Bush Administration by the way he sticks to his script. There should be a carefully crafted image that's being presented, with as much charm and good grammar as he can muster. And none of it should include the word "hater." You're trying to carefully repair your image, not renew your hood pass.

Clearly, "Rocky" doesn't see it that way. If he has a publicist, they're either focusing on smarter clients, like Amy Winehouse or preparing a tasty cocktail of rum, coke, and strychnine. Amy Winehouse only appears in the news when the story is about drugs or when she goes back to the hospital and she's a publicist's dream in comparison to Chris Brown.

To put it another way, celebrity sex tapes create more positive press than a YouTube video where you and your boy address the "haters." We understand that you might be a pretty good guy, but there are more eloquent ways to say it than throwing in, "I ain't a monster," as an afterthought at the end of the video.

You might not be a monster, but you're only slightly smarter than DMX. DMX, while a total loon, is capable of understanding why people continue to be upset with him. You dismiss your critics as "haters," as if blacking your girl's eye is somehow okay. At least you chose "Graffiti" as your next album's title and not "Blood on the Dashboard."

Then again, your target audience is the same one that kept buying R.Kelly CDs. Your YouTube video might make your sales explode for all I know.