The Truth About James Brown's "Superbad"

The following was written with the utmost respect for the late, great, James Brown. I grew up in a house where James was played on the regular, because he is, to this day, my father’s favorite artist. We don’t even call him by his last name. We just call him James, like we know him. And I like to believe that if James were to read this, he would see the humor in it, even if it’s not actually funny. He had to have a sense of humor, because let’s face it, he wrote and performed “Living in America” with a straight face.

James Brown
1933-2006


James Brown’s “Superbad” is about jerking off.

Yes, I said it. I came to this revelation in much the same way I FINALLY realized that Prince was singing about Jesus in “I Would Die 4 U:” I actually paid attention.

I was listening to the song in the car on Tuesday and the following lyrics caught my attention:

I love, I love to do my thing,And I, and I don't need, no one elseSometimes I feel so nice, good godI jump back, I wanna kiss myself

I thought to myself, What? It was at this point that decided to listen to the song over again. I had listened to this song a million times in my life, but it had never occurred to me what James Brown had been trying to tell us…he was just trying to pop one off. And he doesn’t need anyone’s help to do it. In fact, he was so good that he would make love to himself if he could do it.

The timing of this was especially strange, because, as we all know, “The Hardest Working Man In Show Business” just passed on Monday. Was he speaking to me from beyond the grave? Were the secrets behind his mostly unintelligible songs finally being revealed?

Or maybe I’m just a pervert.

The actual text of his lyrics can be found anywhere, but I’ll just be highlighting certain parts. First of all, he likes to be watched while he does it:

Watch me!
Watch me!I got it!Watch me!
I got it!HEY!

Later in the song:

Now I got a move that tells me what to do
(The move is called “Five-Knuckle Shuffle)Sometimes I feel so nice, I wanna try myself with you
(He’s so good at it, he wants you to watch him do it.)

Now, did I just imagine all that or does James Brown prefer an audience when he diddles himself? Continuing through the song, James tells us a little more about how he likes to do things:

Slap it downand round and roundup and downall around
(He likes it rough. Probably doesn’t use lotion.)right-on peoplehuh, let it all hang outif you don't brothas and sistasthen you won't knowwhat it's all about

See what he did in those last three lines? “If you don’t…then you won’t know what it’s all about.” If you don’t jerk off, then you won’t know about the first part, slapping it down and etc. etc. It’s secret code for people who also hook themselves up. I…I think I may have just told on myself.

Anytime he says, “I got a move that tells me what to do,” that means, “I’m horny.” He needs a nut, and dammit, he needs it NOW!

Maybe I’m reading too much into this. I’m certainly not making a case for my own sanity here. It seems to me that James has cleverly hidden a song about his own desires within a song that appears to just be gibberish. Well, I’m onto you, James!

Is James Brown a pervert? Am I? Well, I probably am, but the facts are laid bare…you decide.

ECW: Another Missed Opportunity

I don't know who out there watches wrestling, but that's what this blog deals with. The WWE website has a feedback option that i sometimes use, and I don't know why I bother. I don't really believe that anyone who matters actually reads what I write, but I do it anyway. I guess it's cathartic, in a way. I personally believe that only interns at Titan Towers are reading this stuff, hence the greeting...

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Hey interns...

ECW's on right now...Boring Lashley is having his thing with Rene Dupree, so I thought that would be a good segment to ignore and write you guys.

I just don't get it, ya'll. I really don't. You had a unique opportunity and it's not the first time this one has landed in your lap. I'm not talking about pushing a certain wrestler or about Paul Heyman no longer being involved (although I don't like that, either). You guys...you just don't even want to diversify your audience, do you?

Twice now, actually three times...you've had the opportunity to cover multiple bases in the wrestling industry and failed every time. I don't think it even occurred to you. In fact, I know it didn't, because you didn't even try. When WCW closed, you had the opportunity to actually have two distinct fanbases under one umbrella. Instead, you alienated the old WCW fan and forcefed them the WWE. You could have continued to serve the WCW fan, to keep them interested, but instead, you crapped on the style of wrestling they knew and loved. You even brought it up on that Raw episode, having Michael Cole bring up that WCW fans might not get to see their brand of WRESTLING again. And they haven't. There is only WWE.

Then came the brand extension. Once again, there was an opportunity to have two distinct shows, each with a feel different than the others. Instead, it's all WWE. Raw and Smackdown are barely different. They just have different wrestlers, but it's the same mentality, the same tone. The same style of wrestling. No real difference.

Now, there's ECW. And I know you're thinking this is where I get into how you should have brought back the old ECW, that you should have left Paul Heyman to his own devices and let him do what he does. But i'm not going to do that. Yes, it would have been fun for a while, but the truth of the matter is, there's only so much garbage matches that I can watch before I get bored. But that isn't the point. The point is that once again, you could have done something different, something that wasn't WWE, and at least tried to recapture some of the audience that isn't even considering watching WWE programming.

Let's face it: the WCW fans have not come back. The ECW fans are most likely watching Japan, indy wrestling or TNA. The tape traders are also watching Japan, indy wrestling, or TNA. These fans don't want to see John Cena. These fans don't want to see Batista. These fans don't want to see Boring Lashley. They want wrestling: they don't want sports entertainment. Once again, you let a grand opportunity slip through your fingers by trying to make everyone love the WWE.

It's never going to happen. Why? Because there are too many styles of wrestling out there to try to boil everything down into the "WWE style." And sometimes, you just don't want to see that. But you don't care. That's why we have three identical shows.

Of course, Vince isn't listening. He'll probably never even see this letter. Stephanie or Triple H won't see it, either. All of them are too busy splashing around in their money-and-mermaid fountain.

Oh, Jesus...first a Boring Lashley interview, now a Borecore Holly interview. Apparently, you don't want good ratings, either. So much for growing the business.

The Most Useless Day of the Year

There are a great many things that I have deemed to be completely useless. Paris Hilton, an unattractive socialite who's claim to fame is being a slut, and didn't even have the brains to get paid for being that way. Daylights, the most useless feature ever added to a car, because during the day, we've all got access to a light that will never blow out in the lifetime of our species: the sun. Valentine's Day, a competition between women about whose man will get them the most crap that says things that men should be saying without being prompted by a corporate marketing blitz. And while these things are undoubtedly at the top of a list of useless things, I can say that I have discovered the latest addition to this illustrious list just the other day: Black Friday.

It's not a celebration. It's not even a fake celebration. It's just the day when stores put more stuff on sale than any other day of the year, perfectly timed to coincide with the excuse that we all use to buy more junk and they use to sell more junk: Christmas.

It wasn't my first Black Friday, but I sincerely believe it will be my last. Mainly because I don't ever again want to be involved in what is the saddest display of greed and materialism that Americans engage in as a group, every single year.

Most people wouldn't think that this day is such a bad thing. Most people think Black Friday is a good thing, because you can get so much stuff for cheap. I suppose that a decent argument can be made for that, but I also suppose that the argument gets thrown to the winds when people start camping outside of electronics stores as early as 7 PM the night before, just to be first in line when the doors open at 5 AM.

It's not like something brand new is coming out, like the PlayStation 3 or the Nintendo Wii, or a new Star Wars movie. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's sad to camp outside of a store for any length of time just to spend $600 for the same overpriced machine that will be in stores continuously for the next five years. I don't care if there was only 400,000 of them in the country. There will be more in March. No, these people participated in the same sadness, except it was for stuff that was in the store yesterday. It just wasn't 40% off.

So when five in the morning hits, that 40% makes people run to the back of the store at top speed, without a care for the safety of the people standing in front of them, who are likely to be run over by their greed. Who cares if they work at the store? I gotta gets my sake cups and a new cuisinart! Oh, yeah, dude…what's a cuisinart? Who cares! It's 40% off!

And two hours later, these people are still wandering around the store, looking for stuff to buy, with a shopping part full of appliances and computer parts that no reasonable person could afford. The reasonable people that can afford that stuff buy the high quality versions from stores that they don't have in your neighborhood.

Because these people have been up all night, they're a little cranky. And crankiness doesn't mix well with greed. That's when people start fighting with each other over the last wireless router that's only $16.49. And watching two slobs make even bigger jackasses out of themselves is probably the only thing that makes the day worthwhile. Except for, possibly, watching them get arrested. Or maybe even the look of realization that comes when they look up three shelves to see the wireless router that's only three dollars more, yet is twice as fast and doesn't have the reputation for being a piece of crap that the one they were just fighting over does.

Eventually, the early morning rush gives way to the crowd of people who have enough of a life that they don't camp outside, yet still wake up hours earlier than they normally would have just so they can rush down to the store, desperate to find something to buy that's cheap. They might have one or two things in mind, but mostly these people wander aimlessly and keep looking in the sale paper for something that might catch their eyes. They're not as sad as someone who would wake up their kids to come look at stuff that they MIGHT buy, but still pretty sad, nonetheless.

Lastly, these people give way to the people who have rushed in from wherever they came from looking to get that one item that they couldn't afford under normal circumstances, but they're going to try to get it today because, well…they're practically giving it away, right? The only thing is, they didn't consider the following things: The store opened at 5 AM and it's now 8:30 PM. Between now and then, there were well over a thousand people in this store looking for the same item. These are the people that get upset because they also didn't consider this little tidbit: The iPod is extremely popular. They really thought that no one else had considered buying one. I'd like for these people to know that when they're walking away, pissed because the store ONLY had 1,200 of them, the people who work in the store are laughing at them for showing up 13 and a half hours too late. Because these are the people who have a chance at being saved from stupid situations like this, I have prepared the following remarks to help drill home the point that they should do something different next time:

"What did you think was going to happen? You knew when you got in the car to get here that it was going to be gone. So now you're reduced to wandering around the store, like everyone else, looking for something cheap to buy, except your reason for doing so is because you don't want to feel like you wasted your gas to drive to Atlanta from Gainesville. I hate to break it to you buddy, but you just burned up a week's worth of gas to come get a handful of DVDs that you wouldn't have bought at full price. Yes, the fruits of your labors are the DVDs of Suburban Commando, a movie starring Tom Beringer or James Remar, and House Party 4, starring Immature. I hope you've learned a lesson: The only way to get what you want, yet don't deserve in life is to sleep out on the street. You'll be the first jackass admitted to the hospital with pneumonia on the day after Thanksgiving next year. I honestly hope it kills you."

I want people in this category to feel extra shame so they'll stop doing it.

Am I understanding of anyone involved in this? Yes. The people who are working in those stores, who have to listen to you complain about the service, even though you bowled over people to get inside the store, or the people who have to help you understand which is the better product, because you don't even understand the technology you're buying. What people don't realize is that, while it's is the worker's job to do these things, on this day, everything is magnified by 1000. They'll probably have to work longer hours, too. Some stores don't even pay overtime. Would you want to put up with your ass? Try doing it for $8.00 an hour for 18 straight hours.

I guess what really bothers me the most about this day is that it epitomizes what's wrong with our society. Do we have that much disposable income where now, we just have to buy things because they're a reduced price? Are we that bored where bargain hunting is an actual hobby and one that causes us to waste money on things we don't need or even want? What does that say about our society where people will stay up all night or camp out in the street just for the right to contribute to what's annually the biggest shopping day of the year? Most people weren't even buying Christmas gifts. Did they really need a whole case of tube socks, 12 packs of blank CDs, 4 300G hard drives, 3 packs of diapers, even though they have no babies, and a GPS system? Only because it was "a good deal?"

Or maybe the plan was just to sell it on eBay. I guess the joke's on me.

This Week In Sports 12/13/06

Controversial Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens recently gave an interview where he made comments that caused babies to cry and old white ladies to pass out. When asked about his dropped passes (something he has been known to do when, say…gravity is applied to any passing situation), he had the nerve to respond with this:

"I'm not Superman. I'm human. Michael Jordan doesn't make every shot. Jerry [Rice] hasn't caught every pass. Tiger [Woods] doesn't make every putt. I understand the expectations of me. People want me to catch every ball. The likelihood of that happening is not going to be great. I understand that."

And with those vitriolic comments, sportswriters in America finally had this bastard. They were going to nail him to the wall this time! After all, he had just compared himself to some of sports’ all time greats! Why, he hadn’t even won a championship or an MVP, boy howdy!

But for those of us who don’t think with our anuses, he didn’t compare himself to them at all. For those of us, who aren’t constantly trying to find fault with a guy who can buy and sell, say…sportswriters with the change in his ashtray, he merely said that those guys, who are great, didn’t come through every time and he isn’t going to, either. It’s just not realistic to expect him to. I think that sounds pretty humble, and the sportswriters would think so too if they weren’t busy being all-around assholes.

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And speaking of hated athletes, in their quest to erase all positive thoughts and words about Allen Iverson from the hearts and minds of America, the sportswriters have decided to reject the notion that not only is Allen Iverson NOT one of the greatest players ever seen, he’s also a terrible human being and a poo-poo head.

Just because one doesn’t like Allen Iverson doesn’t mean he’s not a great player. It’s just means that you’re probably an older white man who likes his black people to be quiet and respectful to his betters, like a nigra should be.

Two things that can’t be argued about the man:

He is one of the two best guards in the league since Michael Jordan, the other being Kobe Bryant. He is one of the two most feared players in the league, the other also being Kobe Bryant. He is one of those rare players who cannot be stopped and can win a game just through sheer force of will.

He has never had a good team around him. People bring up the team that went to the Finals, but that team only went because Allen was throwing up 50 point games. I’ve never seen a bigger group of sad sacks in the Finals in my life. The only other player worth a damn on that team besides Iverson was Dikembe Mutombo, and he was already 58 years old by that point.


His critics call him a selfish ballhog, but they don’t ever want to talk about the subpar quality of his teams. Lately, all they do is point to how he has a past-his-prime Chris Webber (who still hasn’t been worked into the offense enough, I think), and yet he still shoots too many shots. They also forget the fact that since Larry Brown left town, his assists (currently 10th), as well as scoring (currently 1st), have been up. They don’t ever want to talk about how guys like Kyle Korver, Willie Green, or Andre Igoudala have never been consistent producers when given the opportunity. They don’t want to talk about how NO ONE on the Sixers plays defense, and how, at 5’11”, there’s not much AI can do to defend a lot of players, so it’s not like he can pick up the slack. And while I use this stat against LeBron James all the time, Allen Iverson is second on the league in steals.

I don’t like the idea that it’s Allen Iverson’s fault that the Sixers don’t win when general manager Billy King has been doing about as well as a guy who’s randomly picking a roster from the D-League players on NBA Live 07. If you move about 1000 miles west, you don’t hear any complaining about Kevin Garnett being at fault for why the Timberwolves don’t win. Everyone readily admits that it’s Kevin McHale’s fault, yet they’re in the same situation. Just admit that Billy King knows about as much as being a general manager as I do about inventing a machine that lets you hump your dreams in real-time. And seeing as how I’m not getting ready to pound Laura Oliver’s guts until her liver falls out while we ride a coal powered train throughout 1850’s South Carolina (an actual dream I had in the fourth grade), I’d say that my inventing career is turning out just like Billy King’s managing career: an abject failure.

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Today, it was actually newsworthy that Daisuke Matsuzaka was on a plane, flying back to Boston to sign his contract to join the Boston Red Sox. For those who don’t know, the Boston Red Sox paid $51.1 million dollars to the Seibu Lions for permission to talk to Matsuzaka’s agent and translator. I referred to it as the “world’s most expensive peep show.” And finally, the Red Sox have signed him to a 6 year, $52 million dollar deal, which basically means that they’re paying $17 million a year for a guy that might turn out to be a bust. Not since Isiah Thomas became the Knicks’ boss did one organization set itself to be made fun of so easily. And the ins and outs of this situation had become such frequent news that I was honestly able to spell Daisuke Matsuzaka from memory.

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I know this has absolutely nothing to do with sports, but KFC has started printing on their buckets of chicken that they have a “food safety assurance.” They want to assure the customer that their food is safe to eat and at first glance, it’s all well and good. But when you think about it, how many people had to die for KFC to put something like that on their buckets? How much flesh-eating bacteria was in there before they added the guarantee? You didn’t see Wendy’s telling everyone that there was “over 78% less severed fingers in our chili!” Taco Bell never felt the need to let us know that their beans had been “lovingly prepared with less human feces.” Burger King didn’t have a promotional blitz that included telling people about how there were no more chicken heads in their chicken tenders or no more psychopaths jerking off in the mayonnaise.

Which leads me to wonder: What the hell happened at KFC to make them put that on their buckets? What scandal was swept under the rug to keep us from vomiting at the thought of finding something awful in our two piece extra crispy? How many millions were paid to that lucky person to keep them from showing the thing that they found on CNN? KFC would tell me it was nothing. A giant “nothing” that required millions in damage control.

This Week In Sports - 10/15/06

There is an old adage that says, “Try not to be a fool.” Apparently, OJ Simpson wasn’t around when they came up with that one.

Mr. Simpson is apparently going to give a series of interviews for Fox entitled, “If I Did It, Here’s How,” or something like that. I don’t really care. I may or may not watch it. My interest in OJ Simpson begins with “The Naked Gun” movies and ends with “Not guilty.” Oh, yeah…and his fine ass daughter.

OJ, we know you’re broke. We know the Goldman family has taken you for everything you have. We know that you’re making about $3.5 million for this and probably stand to make a lot more, if America takes interest in these interviews. (and they probably will). Your trial was a racial flashpoint back in 1996. Things aren’t exactly sunshine and roses in 2006. Why do you want to bring all that back up now?

Okay, so you can’t get tried for the same crime again. Okay, you already lost the civil trial. Most of America already believes that you did it. So you want to feed into that just to get paid now? You’re going to go on TV and give a confession that’s not really a confession? I just don’t see the point. You can’t be hurting that badly financially, because you still don’t have a job, yet all you do is play golf all day and yell at people that you hit with your car. Where is all this going? Really, unless you’re going to admit to doing it or name the person who did (because if you didn’t do it, you know you did), there’s no sense in even going there.

Then again, $3.5 million is hard to say no to. I can be bought for way less than that.

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Bobby Knight has sent the world into an uproar again.

This time, in a game against Gardner-Webb (yet another no name school that gets more airtime than Jackson State), he forcefully nudged guard Michael Pierce’s chin upward, so he’d make eye contact with Knight. The first time you see it, it looks like he stole on Pierce. After the shock (or eye-rolling) passes, you can clearly see that he was just nudging his face up. He just did it really hard. He didn’t punch him. He didn’t slap him. No one who’s actually involved (or matters) with the situation didn’t have a problem with what happened, including this boy’s parents. But that’s not good enough for the sportswriters’ community.

“Oh, you should never put your hands on a player! Oh, he should be suspended! Oh, he punched this boy in the face! I knew something like this would happen! He’s such a bully! When will he learn?” I swear, sportswriters need to pull their heads out of their asses.

Let me state here that I am no fan of Bobby Knight. I think the man is a walking disaster and I’ve always believed that one day, he was going to openly beat up a player. He carries way too much anger inside of him. There have been times in the past where I’ve felt that he was clearly wrong and that he should have been fired for things that would have landed him in jail out in the real world. This time wasn’t one of them.

I think the only reason why the sportswriters have taken this position that Knight did something wrong is because they thought America would go along with it. Usually, that’s why they take the moral high ground, I believe. But when the ESPN SportsNation poll came back, 72% of America didn’t see anything wrong with what happened. But the sportswriters were out there already, so they had to stick with their position, even though they knew they weren’t right.

All Knight was trying to do was get the boy to make eye contact and encourage him to play his game, by all accounts. Yet, if another coach had done the same thing, it wouldn’t have been a big deal at all. For example, in last year’s NCAA Tournament, UNC coach Roy Williams grabbed one of his players and forced him into a chair so he could yell at him. Didn’t even make a blip on the radar. I am a huge North Carolina fan and watch all their games and I didn’t even remember this. That’s how minor it was. But had it been Bobby Knight doing the same thing, the world would have been in an uproar again. Just like if Roy Williams had done what Knight did on Monday, you would have never heard about it.

This story has been news all week, but what story was glossed over a few weeks back? The one where Knight suspended his star player for not reaching HIS academic standards. The player wasn’t on academic probation and his wasn’t in violation of NCAA or Texas Tech standards. Bobby Knight holds his players to a higher standard academically than the NCAA does. And when the player didn’t reach that standard, he was gone until his grades came back up. Why wasn’t that one being discussed until people rolled their eyes at the mere mention of the topic?

I guess reading about the outrage of Knight’s anger outburst sells more papers than reading about something good that he did. I’d buy that if it wasn’t for the fact that no one buys a newspaper based on anything a sportswriters says or thinks. I hate sportswriters.

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Randy Moss has stated this week that he can’t play well unless he’s happy. Of course, everyone’s up in arms about his one. ESPN’s football analysts are pissed. Everyone is saying that his comments are a slap in the face to football players everywhere and that a leader wouldn’t do this. They feel that no matter what, he should still go try his best, no matter how much the team sucks. And they’re right.

The thing is, none of this is a surprise to me. You all should have been ready for this. But most importantly, you all were the fools for buying the crap he was flinging in the offseason about being a leader on that Raiders team. Had you done like I did, and brushed off all that “leader” talk, this comment wouldn’t have even fazed you.

I don’t care how good Randy Moss is/was. I would have never looked him to become a leader. He would have never become a captain on any team that I was coaching. Actually, it’s a telling sign that Oakland is in serious trouble, if they’re forced to look to Randy Moss for leadership. Let’s face it, Randy Moss walking off the field during a game or fake-mooning the crowd wasn’t that long ago. It’s either the captaincy of Randy Moss or the captaincy of Jerry Porter. Neither option really screams, “good situation.”

Personally, I commend his honesty. He could have just let us go on thinking that something was wrong with him or maybe that he had lost a step. In a way, it’s similar to Vince Carter admitting that he didn’t give his all for Toronto in those last years. I didn’t hold that against Carter because he had watched management destroy a team that was two points away from going to the Eastern Conference Finals in 2001. They hadn’t made any effort to make that team better, yet he’s expected to carry a subpar team year after year? The difference is, Randy Moss has only been in Oakland for two years and all he does is the equivalent of running wind sprints for two hours.

If that’s all he’s doing (because that’s all most receivers do), maybe he should just shut up and play.

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The Boston Red Sox have paid a Japanese baseball team $51.1 million for the right to talk to a pitcher that they have on their roster. They have 30 days to sign this player to a contract. Let that sink in for a second. They didn’t pay $51.1 million to the player – they paid $51.1 million for TEMPORARY RIGHTS to NEGOTIATE with a player. So they have to pay the player on top of paying the team for permission to talk to him. It’s the most expensive peep show of all time. Chances are, you think that’s as stupid as it sounds. For that kind of money, he better not give up a single hit all season, on the way to a 100 home run season that sees the Red Sox win two World Series at the same time. What’s that, you say? That sounds ridiculous? So does paying $51.1 million for permission to essentially talk to a guy’s interpreter and agent.

My Trip to the Georgia Dome

I sat down at the computer and let out a long sigh. That can only mean one thing: The Falcons just put out another shitty performance.

I guess losing to Detroit wasn’t bad enough. They had to lose to Cleveland, right here in the Georgia Dome. What made it worse is that I was at the game. I couldn’t even change the channel to watch someone else.

I think we walked around the perimeter of the Dome at least three times, just trying to get to our seats. That’s not counting the steep mile that we walked, trying to get to our nosebleed seats. Three rows back from the wall. At least there are no bad seats in the Georgia Dome. But we were so far up that we were actually above the rafters. I think there was a homeless person sleeping in the row in front of us. It’s not like security ever checks that high up.

Of course, when you’re in a section like that, there’s a good chance that your section is loaded with drunks. Ours was no different. One guy, who we named “Doug” (after the guy on King of Queens) was screaming until he was red in the face. He harassed every Browns fan that he saw. He was a good natured fan, who undoubtedly got drunk before he even got to the game. I think that’s why his face was so red. I was hoping to see him fall over the railing, actually.

Something that’s surprising, yet not surprising at all: There were a ton of Browns fans in the Dome. It’s not surprising because no one in Atlanta is actually from here. It is surprising because it seems like no matter who the Falcons play, there are enough fans from other cities to make up sizeable cheering section. There was one Browns fan a few rows down from us that I just wanted to push down the stairs, for no real reason, other than being a Browns fan and they had dropped two quick touchdowns on us already. Those Cleveland fans looked so smug, what with their decent receivers and hope for the future. Anyway, he was pretty big and the stairs are very steep, so he would have gotten some good momentum going before hitting Doug down at the bottom.

Speaking of Doug, at halftime, we ran into him while we were talking to some fans in the hot dog line. I was suggesting to them that they take off their Vick jerseys now, when Doug lumbered through, trying to talk trash about the Browns and how the Falcons were going to come back and win. You’ve gotta love an alcohol induced fantasy. He stood there and yelled at the top of his lungs for a few minutes before moving on to the next hot dog stand to start the whole thing all over again. I don’t know where he was going, but I don’t think he ever got there.

There’s a reason why I’m wasting time and space talking about Doug and the homeless guy: I really don’t want to talk about the game. By now, you have a pretty good idea of where I’m going with that stuff. And while I’ve grown to love the Falcons, it felt good to be around others who are also tired of the BS that’s been going on here. I’m tired of seeing them screw up and so is the rest of Section 332.

The Falcons fans started booing Vick after awhile. Started booing their three-and-outs, started booing the playcalling, just started booing everything. Except the defense, which is the only thing on the field worth cheering, at times. At the end of the half, backup quarterback Matt Schaub replaced Vick and the crowd lit up. You’d think that young Joe Montana just stepped out of the timestream and ran out on the field. Finally, we collectively thought. The offense will run properly. We might have a chance. After all, Schaub gave New England all they could handle last year.

He threw one pass. Incomplete. Vick came back on the field. The crowd booed.

There was a group of guys behind us that we started talking with after one of them brought up how Greg Knapp is a terrible coach. It’s wonderful how pure hatred can bring people together. Another one of those guys was the biggest (and only) Roddy White fan that I’d ever met. He went on and on about how good Roddy White is, but he just needs time. I countered with my man-crush on Ashley Lelie, which has got to be the gayest football name since Dick Butkus.

At the end of the game, when the Falcons were blowing yet another drive, out of nowhere, that guy started screaming at the top of his lungs for Roddy White to get the ball. We all laughed at him, until Roddy White actually caught the long bomb that Michael Vick threw his way. The catch put the Falcons in scoring position. He might have caught two passes all day. Meanwhile, my boy, Lelie dropped two big passes back in the first half. I would say that it just wasn’t my day, but we were both cheering for the same team.

Getting back to the Roddy White catch…Michael Vick wound up fumbling the ball a couple of plays later. Game over. A fitting end to the comedy of errors that was taking place on the field. So funny that I wanted to meet the coaching staff in the parking area around back.

We filed out of the Dome, having to deal with all those happy fans from Cleveland. I just covered my face whenever I could, because I was embarrassed with how the Falcons played, like I always am. It’s just a little different when you’re watching in your house, because you don’t have to look at the happy fans from the opposing team. They called me out when I put my hood on. Damn. This never happens when I’m sitting on the couch in the basement.

It would have if my brother in law was here, though. He’s from Cleveland. If it wasn’t for our retard President, he would have, no doubt, been on the phone with us after the game, talking trash. Maybe ill-advised wars aren’t such a bad thing after all.

Renn, I’m kidding. Come back safe.

In what seems to have become a recurring theme, my dad went to the store after the game and bumped into a guy who was also there. All he said to my dad was something about how Greg Knapp needs to be fired. Like I said, it feels good to know that others see what you’re seeing. The bad thing is, the right people aren’t seeing it, because Greg Knapp is still getting paid.

My dad brought up an excellent point about Greg Knapp: He’s keeping his job because he knows this supposed “West Coast Offense” so well, but just because he knows the offense doesn’t mean he knows how to call plays in game situations. Nothing epitomizes this more than his willingness to run on 3rd and long situations, yet today, when faced with a 3rd and 1, he called a pass play.

So screw it all. The Falcons must not want to win. That’s fine. I’m tired of watching. My blood pressure can’t take it. There’s plenty of good going on right now, anyway. The Hawks are 4-2 and leading their division. Desperate Housewives is coming on in a little while. Julie’s supposed to get caught making out with Edie’s nephew. Should be good one. Jay-Z has a new CD coming out. Scrubs will be back on Nov. 30. I like coleslaw. I’m going to let the Falcons screw up the good thing that’s sitting in their lap. I don’t care. Nope. No sir.

At least, until next week.

The Pointy-Haired Boss, David Stern

Okay, so we're about two weeks into the NBA season and we've had plenty of time to see the effects of some of the changes that David Stern has made. I personally think that he's bored with having such a well-run league, so he's resorting to just randomly moving things around, so it looks like he's being decisive. If things turn out well, it's a credit to his strong leadership. If things turn out bad, it's the players' fault. No matter what, it's a win-win for him. It's a method that comes from the "Dilbert School of Management."

First, there's the new ball. I wasn't aware that there was a dire need to change it. However, since it's gone, I guess we all have to get used to it. The really entertaining part about this is going to be how many times players randomly blame the ball for poor shooting performances. "The Living Commercial" LeBron James did this on Tuesday, after losing to the Atlanta Hawks.

Now, it would be one thing if he had been having trouble with the ball and had been complaining the whole time. No, this guy blames his poor free throw shooting and shot selection on the ball after four or five games (not including preseason, and the entire summer he's had to get used to the ball). It couldn't have possibly been that the Hawks have actually gotten better and you didn't take them seriously, could it? Nah, that's crazy talk.

Secondly, owners have to comport themselves in a way befitting...I dunno, rich people, I suppose. This is known as the "Mark Cuban" rule, a man who is a constant thorn in the side of David Stern and a constant source of entertainment for people like me. Really, you'd think outspoken owners like Cuban would be welcome in the league, because if all owners had a passion for their teams like he did, the Clippers wouldn't have been a guaranteed win for so many teams over the years. I really fail to see what the problem with Cuban is. He's only been a successful owner, turning around one of the worst franchises in about 4 years. He's good to his players and he gets out of the way of his management. People want to work for him and play for him. Do you think James Dolan or Jerry Reinsdorf have gotten such glowing reviews?

Thirdly, players are limited by what they can wear on the court and how they can wear it. The thinking here is that players will eventually become walking billboards for the products they shill. Because, of course, that's much better than, say...a certain shoe company buying all of the advertising space for a certain "center" where sports are discussed and playing the same four commercials featuring a certain ball playing huckster for two straight hours. Because of that episode of SportsCenter, I now HATE The LeBrons. I actually turned the channel during his commercials, because I was missing the variety of the other commercials.

Lastly, there's the "no whining" rule, also known as the "Sheed Rule." I really fail to see the point behind this one. There is the occasional player who does argue too much with the referees...like, 'Sheed, for example. But, if the threat of being ejected didn't stop him from running his mouth before, what is ejecting him faster, alongside four other players going to do?

So far we've seen players get technicals for just asking where the foul call was, showing frustration with themselves for fouling a player, and showing mere hints of emotion in the general direction of the official. The only thing that this rule has done is made sure that all players know what it feels like to get a technical. All calls are filed under the folder of "showing up the official," but anyone who watches basketball can tell you that over the years, the officials themselves have baited the players into getting technicals just by ignoring the players and brushing them off, even when the call was clearly blown.

This rule change is just the latest in a slippery slope that has managed to eliminate any and all forms of passion from a passionate game. First, they took away trash talking, forgetting the fact that all the greats over the years have done it, including Michael Jordan and Larry Bird. Then, they took away "taunting," which apparently includes looking in your opponent's general direction after dunking on him. Last year, they made the rule that you couldn't speak to any player at the free throw line, after "Constantly Advertising" LeBron James whispered something to Gilbert Arenas that made him miss both free throws and lose the game. It was a mindgame in the tradition of Charles Barkley, and Arenas lost. Simple as that.

Now, you can't express emotion where the ref can see it. I guess next year, you won't be allowed to smile or give hi-fives to your teammates. After that, butt-slapping will be eliminated, because it makes you gay. For God's sake, kids are watching.

These are rules that are based on judgment calls coming from people who oftentimes didn't see what actually happened and can't even be challenged by people who saw what happened. When was the last time you saw a referee reverse his call in the NBA? That's right...it's the same number as the amount of people who think that Isiah Thomas will be coaching the Knicks next year.

With rule changes like that, it's clear that David Stern has never competed in anything before. Talking to your opponent and getting into his head is part of the game, no matter what you're competing in. Taunting is the icing on the cake, although I admit, sometimes it did go too far. But these players are human and they express themselves as human beings do: By showing emotion. I can't be the only person who misses seeing Dikembe Mutombo wave his finger in someone's face when he got a block, or watching Michael Jordan stare down the center who just became his latest victim. Or even better, watching Michael Jordan wave HIS finger in Dikembe Mutombo's face after Mutombo got dunked on by Jordan.

Personally, I miss the trash talking. It was the only reason I would pay any attention to Gary Payton. Or the intensity generated by two players who really don't like each other, going back and forth, constantly reminding each other of what they just did. It was how rivalries were generated and it helps make basketball great. Do you really think that Magic Johnson and Larry Bird would have taken their games to the heights they did if they didn't dislike each other so much?

Now, we're at the point where you can't argue with someone who's deciding the game. This is a man who has more power than any other type of game official in sports, a man who can call the game pretty much however he wants, and cannot be questioned or criticized in any way, shape or form, without reprisal. This must be what it's like to be a member of the Catholic Church.

It's looking like David Stern won't be happy until he has emotion-controlling chips in all the players' heads, with everyone calmly running up and down the floor, doing the same things and reacting in the same way. And that's only until the basketball-playing robots are invented.

It seems the "Robopacalypse" will soon be upon us.

In defense of the asshole sports fan

Orlando Sentinel columnist Jemele Hill is going out of her way to paint this man in a negative light.

Last week, Orlando Magic fan Hooman Hamzehloui was ejected from the TD Waterhouse Centre after he called Houston Rockets' center Dikembe Mutombo a "monkey." Hamzehloui contends that he didn't realize what he was saying would be considered a racial slur. Nonetheless, he offered a "complete and unconditional apology" to Mutombo, donated $5,000 to the charity of Mutombo's choice and vowed not to return to anymore Orlando home games until Mutombo gave him the okay. The league took it a step further by refunding his season ticket money and banning Hamzehloui from all NBA arenas for the season.

While Mutombo has forgiven the man and wants to put the whole thing in the past, Jamele Hill wants to beat a dead horse. The incident happened Thursday and was over on Monday. Hill decided to make this the subject of her Tuesday column. Stop beating the horse, Jamele. You're getting blood all over the place.

Her column today was entitled, "Magic fan's sad comments are indefensible." Thanks for clearing that up. Why, just last week, I thought to myself that calling my fellow black people "monkey" was the okay thing to do. Good thing you're here to tell us these things.

She goes on to say that she spoke with Hamzehloui on Monday and that while she believes he isn't a racist and simply misguided, he refuses to accept full blame for the incident that happened. He says that he used a "poor choice of words." True, he did. He goes on to say that "If I said he looked like a chimpanzee or like a gorilla, none of this happens." While that's not entirely accurate, it doesn't mean that he's shirking responsibility. It just means that he doesn't know black people.

Now, upon finding out that his season tickets were being revoked, he reacted in this way: "They have players shooting guns in front of strip clubs and getting into drug-related fights and marijuana getting found in cars, but that's OK. I say something I'm sorry about and they want to throw me to the wolves."

Admittedly, it does sound like he's trying to pass the buck. It's like when you get stopped by the cop, but there were three cars going faster than you that he missed. I'm not defending what he's saying, because that's pretty much what he's doing. But what do you expect him to say?

Here's my point: The man publicly apologized, donated money, took himself away from the Orlando Magic games. He did all the right things, but the league came down on him anyway. Was it overkill? I think so, but the league has done a lot of overkill things since the Indiana Pacers started swinging on fans. And calling Mutombo a monkey upset him enough to make him want to go into the stands to get Hamzehloui, fines and suspensions be damned. However, what's done is done. And if Hamzehloui was waffling between being contrite and passing the buck, as Jamele Hill claims, he would have used the exact same channels that he used to apologize to complain about his banishment. It's not like the media wouldn't listen. This would have been in the first 20 minutes of SportsCenter.

But what really happened here? Jamele Hill sought the man out and asked him what he really thought. In a discussion between two people, he told her. It's not like he called a press conference and said this. Anyone in the world would have reacted the same way, regardless of whether or not this was "on the record." In a one-on-one discussion, of course you're more likely to hear what the person really thinks. But just because you're punished doesn't mean you have to like it. Just because you don't like your punishment doesn't mean that you're not sorry for what you did.

Ms. Hill seems to think that just because he's not begging for forgiveness all the time that he's not sorry. She actually feels that he hasn't done enough to make amends, and that he should not only accept his punishment without complaint (which he did, until he was ASKED), but "offer to record a public service announcement warning NBA fans that yelling abusive epithets is not cheering."

Sounds good on the surface, but seriously...who's going to listen to Hooman Hamzehloui? That would be a waste of time on both sides. Even if he did do it, it's not going to work, because there's always going to be an asshole at sporting events. You could go to a little league game and you'd have that same guy in the stands, being rude and bothering people around him.

The thing is, people are going to be jerks at sporting events and they have to right to do so. They don't have the right to throw things, be bigots or just be completely disrespectful. There is a line that shouldn't be crossed. But leagues like the NBA and the NFL know that they need jerks at their events. These are the passionate sports fans that drive fanbases. When the team is losing, who do you think will keep showing up? That's right. And I'll bet you won't turn his money away then.

Who else is going to get the crowd fired up? Cheerleaders? The pop song playing over the house speakers? The CGI video on the jumbotron? No, it's the jerk, sitting three sections over in body paint, who's been riding the opposing teams' point guard all game long.

The city of Boston used to have some of the greatest crowds ever, packed into the old Boston Garden, and in one of the whitest cities in America, the Lakers would come in, featuring a flashy, black point guard, and do battle with the Great White Hope. You're disturbingly naive if you think that they weren't being assholes towards the Lakers. Let me clear something up for you: They weren't commending them on their dazzling offense.

Really, how boring would it be to have everyone sitting quietly in their seats, watching the game and politely clapping at predetermined intervals? That's great. The desired future for all sports crowds resembles the one at Wimbledon.

I know all of this seems like a digression, but the point is that you can't or shouldn't try to dampen the enthusiasm of a crowd. The NBA is doing this with their new overkill approach to handling things. Apologizing and self-censure apparently isn't enough. As a result, Hamzehloui says that the NBA has lost a boisterous fan, in a time where lifeless crowds have become the norm.

I don't think he's a jerk. He just used a poor choice of words, like he said. I think, perhaps a 20 game ban would have driven the point home for others.

And as if to dance on the grave, Ms. Hill is right there to say, "If that's his attitude, he won't be missed. He would make a great Predators fan." He might not be missed, but his enthusiasm will. The Orlando Magic haven't had a lot of excitement surrounding the team since the Shaq and Penny days. You should be glad that you still have fans who want to support the team.

Welcome to the "I Hate Greg Knapp" Fan Club

I am by no means a football expert, however it would seem to my untrained, yet completely competent eyes that Falcons offensive coordinator Greg Knapp isn't even looking at the plays when he calls them in. Somewhere behind the water cooler, he has a game of lawn darts set up, and in the circles are the plays he has to choose from. The cameras never seem to catch this, but my highly intelligent eyes are onto your little game. Greg Knapp must be fired before my eyes start pulling their hair out. We just can't take this anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a long spiel about how Michael Vick was screwing up. The next week, he threw four touchdowns as if he was throwing a huge "f-you" right at my groin. This week, he kept it going, with his groinally charged attack. The decision making was on point, he wasn't forcing throws, he wasn't forcing runs. For the first time since 2003, I didn't have a bad thing to say about Michael Vick. I'll go so far as to say that if this is how he's going to play all the time, I'll take back everything I've said about him. He's that good...when he's on. Like I said last week, this is the Michael Vick worthy of all the hype.

But things aren't perfect down here in Atlanta. As good as the offense was in the first half and most of the second, I have to believe that Greg Knapp had some money on the Bengals to win this game, because he did everything in his power to make the Falcons lose.

Like I said, I'm no football expert, but I know enough to know that if the passing game is working, you keep going to it. If you're up by 9 points with 5 minutes to go, you need to move the chains. Yes, you need to run time off the clock, but you also have to sustain a drive. And if your run game hasn't given you anything all day, why would you go back to it at a crucial point like that? I was waiting for Knapp to tear off his Falcons polo to reveal a Bengals shirt, just before he started into a diabolical laugh. In my mind, he would sound like Skeletor.

And as if to say, "Yes, Greg Knapp is the moron we thought he was," the Bengals used all of one play, and 30 seconds, to bring them within two points. Yes, the defense gave up the points. But the defense also shouldn't have been out there. If we had an offensive coordinator here who used a method other than "accidental" to call plays, the offense would have probably scored.

And as dumb as that drive was, the drive before it was worse, because the offense was about to score, before Knapp pulled the plug on six more points. He must have thought he was about to lose his house or something, because he was betting on the point spread.

They were steadily moving the chains. Even Roddy White was catching passes. And just when you thought even Knapp couldn't screw up the good situation they were in, he did just that. He ran the ball on third and long (remember, they hadn't been able to run the ball all day), to try to get better field goal position, when their receivers were in position to score from 30 yards out.

Yes, the Falcons won, but they could have won by 16, instead of 2. And it's all Greg Knapp's fault. I hope Ed Donatell catches you behind the bleachers after the game. Seriously, I needed a drink after this one. It's hard watching your hometown team actively try to lose a game. Bill Belichick would have eaten this team alive doing crap like they did in the second half today.

While this team has a very good chance of doing some things in the playoffs, they're going to screw it up as long as Greg Knapp is at the helm. So I'm sending the call out now: $50 to whoever can get him fired. Apparently, he's not doing a good enough job of getting himself fired, because he's still got a job, despite the fact that he calls plays like he's not even watching the game. Maybe he's trying to call plays for the games that he sees on the jumbotron.

I hate you, Greg Knapp. You're going to be the death of me. Probably sometime during the playoffs.

The Last Word on...Illegal "Immigration."

Imagine that someone sneaks into your house when your not looking. They get in through the garage door when you're leaving for work. That person secretly lives in your garage for a few months before you find them. He doesn't steal anything, doesn't mess with your stuff, and he goes to work everyday. He just lives in your garage.

When you find him, naturally, you freak and call the cops. They take him away. The next day, you find some other guy in your garage. And another. And another. Turns out there are 30 guys somehow living in your garage. You realize that they're getting into your garage because you keep leaving the door open. So you close the garage door and lock it.

The next day, you find hundreds of protesters outside of your house, telling you that you're wrong for not letting these men live in your garage. You discover that they've been secretly washing your car and doing your yard work when you weren't looking. The protesters say that these men were helping with your quality of life and these things wouldn't have gotten done if they weren't there. They were doing all the menial tasks around your house that you didn't want to do. You are told that you have no right to close and lock your own garage by the protesters, who all live in the condemned house across the street. Those 30 men used to live there, but they came to your house because your ceiling doesn't leak and your tap water doesn't make them sick.

So what do you do? Should you change your mind and let the guys stay there? Should you lease the garage to them and work out some sort of agreement with them where they can come over sometimes, but they have to go back across the street to sleep? Or should you call this whole situation what it is: Breaking and entering.

No, this isn't a complex analogy. And to anyone who might disagree with the correlation, yes, it is the same thing. For illegals here, as well as the Mexican government, to believe that they have the right to be upset about the plans to build a giant fence between the two nations, well...someone done told you wrong. This is something that needs to be discussed among the people who are actually legal citizens. You all can wait outside.

The way rational people see it, a nation has the right to close its borders whenever it wants to. A nation has the right to request that its inhabitants speak the national language. A nation has the right to kick out people who snuck inside to begin with. That nation does not have to justify its actions to its less-fortunate, corrupt, crime-ridden neighbor to the south. That nation also isn't required to treat its neighbors to the north in the same manner, because Canada's residents A.) speak English, and B.) GO HOME.

Illegal aliens are not entitled to anything on this side of the border, except a free ride back home. You are not called "illegal aliens" because we're trying to be mean. You are called "illegal aliens" because you snuck into the country ILLEGALLY, and you are foreign to the land you're standing on. You might say it's ALIEN to you, especially considering you can't read most of the signs along those roadsides. You knew it was wrong when you did it. If you really thought it was the okay thing to do, you wouldn't have had to stuff your kids behind the dashboard of your car first.

So, just like you have the right to try to find a better life, the people who already live there legally have a right to say, "You ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the Hell outta here."

What am I doing? It's not like you can read this. If you could, you would have tried to come in legally.

Why are you still listening to Rush Limbaugh?

Once again, the country is up-in-arms about something Rush Limbaugh has said.

I really don't have a comment or any kind of special insight about what he said. Everyone's out there condemning him and whatnot, and that's fine with me. Yes, what he said was ignorant and stupid. I think he knew it was stupid when he said it, that's why he tried to cover it up by suggesting that Michael J. Fox didn't take his medication. We all know it was wrong. I grew up a huge Michael J. Fox fan. I'd like to punch Rush Limbaugh in the fatty cushion around his neck.

But my thing is, why are you still listening to Rush Limbaugh? Since when did the American people make it a habit of closely listening to junkies? Do you sit outside the liquor store and talk to the winos sitting on the stoop? So why would you listen to a pill-popper just because he has a big mouth and a radio show?

Rush Limbaugh has proven time after time that he's just going to say things to piss you off. And it works everytime. As a result, his ratings go up. Meanwhile, America is mad....yet you keep listening. You have to, because you have to be there to catch the next stupid thing he's going to say. Then, you'll get mad all over again. It's an endless cycle. Just stop listening.

It should have been over for him in the mid-90s, when Limbaugh-mania reached its peak. He was practically a demogogue for "conservatives." They hung on every divisive and hate-filled word. They took to the streets, screaming "Rush is Right!" No, Rush is high.

After that, he was relatively quiet, until ESPN hired him for football commentary. It was a grand idea all around, because when I watch football, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind, "I could really use some right-wing political talking points while special teams comes on the field." And we all remember how the Limbaugh experiment ended: He was fired for his comments about Donovan McNabb and the NFL's desire to have a black quarterback succeed. Basically, Rush was fired for saying the words "black," "media wants," and "doesn't deserve," in rapid succession.

My question is: Why did you even hire him? You KNEW he was going to say something like that. You might as well hire Howard Stern and pretend to act shocked when he asks about the other guys' wives' boobies on live TV, and gets porn stars to swallow kielbasas in the studio. Dammit, people...it's what they do.

Then, there was that mess with the painkillers. For most people, that would have completely ruined their credibility, but I guess if you listen to shows like him, or watch Fox News, you don't need credibility. Not if you just keep parroting the Republican Party line. And on that front, you gotta give it up, because the GOP always stays united.

But that's the thing...if you've been paying attention for at least the last 10 years, you wouldn't care about anything that this guy says. You know it's coming and it's all for shock value. It's not even like he's funny. He's just running his mouth. And America is falling into the trap. He doesn't care if you boycott, because he knows that the attention from this will bring more listeners to his show. And if you were listening just so you could hear him shoot his mouth off and get upset, who's really the bigger fool here?

Just don't listen to him. Unless you don't have hands, it's really not that hard to turn the dials on your radio.

Does Michael Vick read my blog?

It was the first question that came to mind when I watched the Falcons game on Sunday. And not only did he read it, he took it personal. Yesterday, we saw the re-emergence of the Michael Vick of 2002 and 2003, the guy who played at VA Tech, the guy who earned the cover of Madden '04 and a one-way trip to the "Madden Cover Jinx" Hall of Fame. That Michael Vick was the one who was the up-and-coming star. The one we had been seeing for the last few years was the one who had caused my blood pressure to go up.

He had a great game yesterday, but of course...he's still not perfect. But things were better. His decision making was better. His passing was much more accurate. He made an effort to move the ball downfield. And he got his receivers in a rhythm. All things were under his direct control. Of course, he got got some help from Alge Crumpler and Ashley Lelie (who still didn't start...assholes), and he got some huge help from a coaching staff who seemed to discover yesterday (after much complaining from everyone in Atlanta, including the players themselves) that they even had a passing game. Did they fire Greg Knapp and I didn't hear about it?

Let's just hope that the Falcons keep playing like this, because this is the Michael Vick that's worth all the hype he was getting early on in his career. For the first time in three years, the offense played better than the defense. The offense didn't need to be bailed out by the defense. If anything, it was the reverse. 41 points? When was the last time the offense put up half that many points? Seriously...go check. I'll wait.

While you're doing that, I had felt the need to say something more positive about Vick anyway, since a friend of mine gave me so much flak about what I said last week. Problem is, Vick had such a great game that anything I try to clarify is going to look like I'm sucking up. So I won't say anything. Nothing I said was wrong. It just turns out that more blame should be heaped upon Greg Knapp...which I did last week. So there. I was still right.

And to think, we almost missed seeing much of this game. Midway through the first half, Pittsburgh started running away with it, so we just got up and left the room. My dad turned on "The Rifleman" and got on the computer. It just so happened that I turned on the TV in another room and happened to see the comeback. An amazing turn of events. The Falcons passed the ball.

Someone from the Falcons must have come through here, so let this one get back to them: Start Ashley Lelie, dammit.

The Gospel According to Thaddeus 10/19/06

Just my shortened thoughts on a variety of topics. What do I think about...

...the Miami/FIU fight?

There was a kid swinging his helmet and another kid stomping players with his cleats, while a radio announcer talked shit in the booth. The radio announcer lost his job, but those players are still on the team. Something's wrong with that.

...Tiki Barber's "retirement?"

It won't hurt nearly as much as when Barry Sanders retired. I really just wonder how jealous Ronde is. Y'know...cuz Tiki's all famous and stuff.

...anything Mike Tyson says these days?

Seriously...does it even shock you anymore? He says he wants to fight a woman and no one bats an eye. This guy could punch out a horse in the middle of Times Square and no one would even notice. If you heard tomorrow that Mike Tyson drove a car into the scorer's table at a basketball game, would you even look up from your morning paper?

...Koren Robinson's year-long suspension?

I'm about as sympathetic as I am for Ricky Williams. I just don't understand why pro football players get high and drunk when there are 30 teams out there willing to throw money at you if you stop. Idiots...you do realize that they can cut you at a moment's notice, right?

...this year's New York Knicks?

The worst thing that can happen to them is that they win, because that means Isiah won't get fired. Of course, Isiah getting fired is the worst thing that can happen to the sportswriting community, because there's no one in basketball easier to make fun of.

...Korea's nuclear ambitions?

Do you think Bush realizes that if he'd gone into North Korea instead of Iraq, North Korea might not even have a nuclear bomb right now? I guess if I had the choice between invading the country that was thisclose to having nuclear weaponry or the country that had Stone Age level weaponry, and wasn't even the most dangerous country in the region, I would have picked Iraq, too...but that's because I'm a coward.

...Madonna's "controversial" adoption?

Yeah, how dare she rescue a child from a life of hardships! Why, she should put that kid back in the poverty stricken area where she found it and watch it die! Let's be serious here...it's not like she's actually going to raise the child. That's what those Mexican nannies were hired for.

...billionaire Steve Wynn's destruction of a $50 million painting?

Seriously...I wish I had problems like that.

...Black Planet?

Does anyone go there anymore? Anyone? I think there are more people using Friendster.

...the suicidal Terrell Owens?

Don't get too excited over your good showing on Sunday...everyone looks good against the Texans. Games like that fool people into thinking that Drew Bledsoe isn't quite washed up yet or that the Redskins might actually be a good team.

...the Oakland Raiders?

I thought Randy Moss was supposed to be a leader this year. Why was he the first one to throw in the towel? Why does Art Shell always look like he's figuring out how drunk he's going to get after the game? I look forward to watching this team have a perfect 0-16 season.

...PlayStation 3?

The thing costs $600 dollars. For that amount, I should be able to have good sex with it before it spits real hundred dollar bills back at me.

...Puffy's ever-changing name?

A producer in England actually sued him over the name "Diddy." Why would you fight over that name? Would you fight over who has the right to call themselves "Sugarbooty" or "Fairygirl?"

...Flavor of Love 2?

This show is setting ratings records. It's also got a spinoff coming, called "The Flavorette." What the hell is wrong with you people? I hate all 7.5 million of you.

...Cryme Tyme's wrestling debut?

Yeah, they were about as embarrassing as I expected them to be. Right down to their diamond-fronts. I'm not even going to bother to learn which is which.

The Continued Idiocy of Tim Floyd

Y'know, there's been a joke that keeps coming up, usually around the time of the NBA draft, that eventually NBA executives will start scouting junior high students looking for the next LeBron James. We all laugh at it and go about our lives. We think, "No one's ever going to be that stupid. The kid doesn't even have pubes yet."

In tennis, junior high-age students routinely turn pro, but that's a mostly European sport. Who cares about tennis? American interest faded again, right after Serena realized that she didn't need this crap. Then, in American soccer, Freddy Adu, a then-14 year old, signed a multimillion dollar deal with a professional team. Michelle Wie, a then-14 year old female golfer, started playing with the men's golf tour, with everyone somehow forgetting the fact that she's never won a tournament at any level.

I've always thought that was kind of stupid for Michelle Wie to be allowed to be paid to continue a losing streak, or for Freddy Adu to be paid millions when he's not going to see the inside of a game. And anyone who knows me knows how i felt about high schoolers in the NBA. I was almost hoping they started letting high schoolers in the NFL, just to see how quickly they stopped jumping when the first four or five of them died from being beaten to death by grown men.

But USC Basketball coach Tim Floyd has recently gotten a 14 year old freshman to commit to USC, even though he hasn't even played a high school game yet. And while I can see why he did it, and I'm sure he knows more about the kid's talent level than I do, something seems wrong with college coaches trolling the local junior high for potential talent. I think it's kind of creepy, actually. He might as well have been staking out the playground with a fistful of candy, dressed in a trenchcoat.

Yeah, he hasn't actually devoted any funds to this kid, and technically, he hasn't done anything wrong, but USC is a big-time school, and basically, Tim Floyd is paving the way for the aforementioned joke to become reality. All it takes it one. Soon, college coaches all over the country will be watching highly touted 10 year old kids, who barely even have their coordination down, looking for their next recruit. I know it sounds like I'm panicking, but...it's not too far-fetched. After all, it wasn't that long ago we were just joking about this kind of situation in general.

It also wasn't that long ago that high schoolers were a rarity in the NBA. Or that high school games would have never been considered to be broadcast on ESPN. Or that the idea that high schoolers might have the chance to enter the NFL Draft. All ridiculous notions at one time.

Kevin Garnett opened the floodgates for high schoolers in the NBA. He wasn't the first, but he started the current trend. The hype around LeBron James started the trend of airing high school games. Now, it's commonplace to see ESPN cameras at high school games. And if Maurice Clarett had been successful in challenging the NFL's rules, there would have been hundreds of idiot high schoolers, thinking that they could play with the big boys. Only the CFL or NFL Europe could have benefitted from that. Just one success, and everyone thinks that they can do it, too.

I guess what's funny to me about it is, Tim Floyd recruited a kid that he might not even get to see play. Now, I don't know what USC's record has been since he's been coach (mainly because I rarely pay attention to schools outside the ACC), but I do remember his performance in the NBA. He coached almost three years for my Beloved Bulls, at the behest of Jerry Krause (which is a sure-sign that he's not very good), and was fired after one year in New Orleans, because he ran a team into the ground that wasn't that bad before he got there. Yeah, the college game is different, but that right there is a sign that he might not be AT USC in four years. I know I expect him to be fired. I don't know what he did at Iowa State (the school he was coaching before Chicago), but I know in the pros, he developed a tendency to piss off the locals. Usually, for sucking. Hard.

I can't blame the kid for accepting, though. He and his parents must be thrilled, and rightly so. At 14 years old, their son's college education is secured. All because of one coach's desperation. It all might work out, but not because he was smarter than everyone else. It would be more of an accident, like the discovery of penicillin or the fact that UPN stayed on the air as long as it did.

The worst thing that could happen is that it works. I'm not sure I could properly deal with college coaches scouting my 12 year old nephew.

Bench Michael Vick

When it comes to judging whether or not the Atlanta Falcons are any good, I think it best to listen to a person who's actually watched them play. Therefore, while the guys on Fox or ESPN are retired pros and whatnot, they keep touting Atlanta and Michael Vick as something special. I do the same thing, except that I use "special" as a replacement for "almost fatally retarded." Anyone who believes anything otherwise is probably watching the games from the parking lot.

Every Sunday, I sit down to watch the Falcons, and every Sunday, I inch closer to suffering a fatal anger stroke. And seeing as how I'm probably going to Hell, I'll probably spend the rest of eternity watching Michael Vick and Greg Knapp conspire to ruin any chance Atlanta has to win games as my punishment. Yes, I said it. Michael Vick is driving this team to ruin, and offensive coordinator Greg Knapp is riding shotgun.

Most people wouldn't believe that Michael Vick is actually one of the Falcons' biggest problems and those people were among the people my mother saw at Wal-Mart during the game. Basically, people who aren't paying attention to them. I remember a couple of years ago, arguing down an entire barbershop over whether or not Vick is any good, which isn't exactly safe, considering the position a barber has you in. But I'm here to tell you, he isn't. What is he doing so wrong? I'm glad I asked.

For one, he's been here six years and hasn't made one hint of progression as a quarterback. As a passer, he still doesn't seem to have learned the basics of being a quarterback. He definitely hasn't gotten any better at it. His decision making is terrible, and I don't think he still knows how to check down through his receivers. That's particularly sad, because there's a 400-pound slob sitting on beanbag chair in his parents' basement playing Madden who can do that. People might argue that the receivers aren't open, but again, watch the games. Alge Crumpler has one move: Slanting in behind the defensive line. He's ALWAYS open. Ashley Lelie (he should be the starter) has beaten every defender who's been put on him. Roddy White has his moments. Michael Jenkins needs to be strangled. And half the time, Vick isn't even looking to pass. From the time the ball is snapped, he's looking to run. While I won't call him stupid, I will call him "the learning impaired" because everyone on the defense is looking for him to run, too. Opposing safeties don't even bother to drop back anymore. He's not going to bother to pass, so they shouldn't bother to defend.

Yeah, sure, he's fast, but in today's NFL, who the hell isn't? In today's NFL, you've got 280 pound linebackers who can run Vick down (Julius Peppers, from the hated Carolina Panthers). So while he might break off some big runs here and there, anyone who doesn't inhale bus fumes will tell you that you can't win that way. You can't depend on the big play to win games. That's where Greg Knapp comes in. His entire offensive scheme is dependent on getting big plays.

I've seen better play-callers than Greg Knapp getting loaded at Barnacles. Every week, he's tried to run on third and long. I've seen him line Alge Crumpler up in the backfield, which would be a good thing if Crumpler was fast. Until this week, I don't think he's even considered passing on first down, you know, just to try to fool the defense. Not a week has gone by that I haven't questioned this man's playcalling. It's almost like how I treated my parents after they told me they'd been lying about Santa Claus.

I also question a man who doesn't have the imagination to line up Michael Vick next to his good quarterback, Matt Schaub. This is a man who doesn't have the smarts to play Jerious Norwood more than two series a game, if for no other reason than to keep Warrick Dunn fresh. This is a man who can't seem to get Ashley Lelie in the game more, even though he's a far better receiver than anything else they've got on the field. This is a man who insists on running the damn COLLEGE OPTION, even though it hasn't worked in three games. I honestly don't think he's watching the games, either. I think he just calls the play, then goes to the bathroom, assuming that everything will go according to plan. He's lucky he's coaching here, where the fans don't really care. If he was up north somewhere, they would have left his dog's severed head in his bed by now.

You heard it here first: I'm starting the campaign to get Ashley Lelie put in as the number 1 receiver on the grounds that I'm able to walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. Who's with me?

What about the defense? I don't have any real problems with them. They do their job, which apparently requires carrying the offense. Because the Vick-led offense is so bad, the defense has to score points, too. I guess the media fooled them, too. Everyone seems to think that just because they rushed for almost 600 yards in their first two games, that they're a good team. Ask yourself instead, how many three-and-outs they had? How many passing yards? How many points the offense actually scored? How many field goals were punted? How many times they got to the red zone? Or, try watching the games. Either way, you'll finish the day with a headache. The question is whether it came from your high blood pressure or from slamming your forehead into the floor out of frustration.

Arthur Blank was on the sidelines today, and he wasn't smiling and he wasn't gladhanding everyone. Probably because the team was going down in flames, but one can't be sure. My dad began to wonder how much longer Blank was going to let this go on. I said that Blank hired Rich McKay so he wouldn't have to get involved. My dad said, "Every owner has a little Jerry Jones in them." So, to Arthur Blank, I say: "Unleash your inner Jerry." Do it before I find myself on trial for felonious assault.

In defense of Stephen Jackson (and strip clubs)

The Indiana Pacers are back in the news for the wrong stuff again. Pacers guard Stephen Jackson was punched in the face and hit by a car in the parking lot of a nightclub in Indianapolis last night. He shot at the car as it drove away, with his legally purchased and licensed gun. Guards Jamaal Tinsley, Marquis Daniels, and Jimmie Hunter were also present. It is reported that they were arguing with another group of men, but were trying to "extricate themselves" from the situation.

The sportsmedia is already judging Stephen Jackson and all the facts aren't even out yet. You've already got a group of old white men saying the same thing: "What was Stephen Jackson doing at a strip club? When will athletes learn that going to nightclubs and drinking is a bad thing?" They've spent most of their careers painting nightclubs as criminal meeting places, where people are openly fighting and doing drugs right on the bar. They make it sound like something is ALWAYS gonna go down when a pro athlete steps into the place.

They're always going on about how athletes have to be smarter than that and not put themselves in situations where there could be trouble. First of all, again, they don't know the situation. No one besides the four Pacers, the guys they were arguing with, and probably the police, know what happened in that club. Second, there can be trouble anywhere. I remember when I was working in a grocery store, stocking shelves at three in the morning, when a lunatic decided that he was gonna drive his car into the store. No one could have predicted that would happen, except for the slightly deranged man behind the wheel. If Stephen Jackson had been there, the sportswriters still would have been outraged. "What was he doing at a store at three in the morning? He has to be smarter than that!"

I don't expect pro athletes to stay at home and never do anything. Pro athletes, like people who aren't looking at their own colons up close, like to go out and have fun. I don't believe that people should be prisoners of their own fame, however slight it may be. Anyway, some people like to go to strip clubs. That doesn't say anything about their character. That just means that they want to go see naked women. And if you're a guy who doesn't want to see naked women, other guys will come up with names for you like "Faggy McChinnuts, the Man With Dirty Knees."

I wasn't even there, but I'm a guy who's been to a strip club. I think I'm more qualified to speculate than a guy who's real name is Skip Bayless. First, they were probably in the VIP section. The strip clubs that the average broke joker can't afford usually has them. They were minding their own business, throwing money at naked women. The thing about strip clubs is, when someone with money comes in, strippers are going to flock to them. It's basic economics. And once the strippers found out that four members of the Indiana Pacers were there, the hottest strippers found themselves in that VIP room. Some guys got jealous and started talking shit. They were probably saying things like, "Them niggas ain't shit," and "bitch, I got money, too! They ain't nobody!" That's not their fault. That same thing could happen at the gas station. Some people are just jealous of people who are famous. And both situations could potentially end with Stephen Jackson laying across the hood of someone's car.

I'm gonna sum all this up real quick. Things like this do not always happen at the club, be it a nightclub or a strip club. This was an isolated incident. People forget, Stephen Jackson used to play in Atlanta, and if he was the trouble magnet that he's being painted as, he would have gotten into something here. People living in Atlanta can testify...if you're looking for trouble to get into, it can be found somewhere in Atlanta. It's why Isaiah Rider didn't last a season here.

Now, like the sportswriters, I also do not know what happened there, but at least I'm being honest about it. I am not judging anyone involved, but I do think that my story is the most likely scenario. The only reason I'm even writing this is because I believe that sportswriters in general need to come down off of their high horse and understand that sometimes, shit happens. The same thing would happen to George W. Bush if he didn't have the Secret Service protecting him. Someone would come up to him with a mad-on and I assure you, he'd get smacked in the face. Would it have been HIS fault for daring to be out in public?

The defense rests. *throws the mic down*

The Important Questions About Rep. Mark Foley

When Republican Congressman, Mark Foley is caught engaging in dirty talk with an underage male page on the internet, "No Spin Guru" Bill O'Reilly gets in there and asks the really tough questions: Was this information leaked by the Democrats?

That's right. Because when a creepy old man is sending sexually charged e-mails to teenaged boys from his Capitol Hill office, and the entire thing was fully known by the House of Representatives' Republican leadership (the "rapidly-going-down-in-flames" Dennis Hastert)as early as three years ago, the real issue is whether or not the Democrats were the ones who informed you. Not that an elected official has a taste for soft, supple, boyflesh.

That sort of right-thinking is to be expected from a man who unabashedly suckles at the teat of right-wing America's elephant mascot. He probably blamed the Democrats for exposing his sexual harassment lawsuit, too.

And let's not forget Fox News' Sean Hannity, in his desperation to show that Democrats are still the Hell-spawned evil that was prophesized in the Bible (that part is in the back; don't go looking for it), brought up a similar incident involving a Democrat in recent past...23 years ago. I didn't catch the name of the person he was referring to because I was still shocked and awed by the size of the balls it would take to refer to "23 years ago" as "the recent past" with a straight face. 23 years is long enough for all your old clothes to come back in style.

Then, when he had the Democrats on the ropes, he played his trump card…the Bill Clinton incident. Of course, he was conveniently forgetting the fact that Monica Lewinsky was well above the age of legal consent (22)….and a woman. They impeached him for that. If Clinton had tried to proposition young boys back when he was President, the Republicans probably would have called for him to be castrated on live TV.

Last but not least, Fox News, in all of their coverage, has begun labeling Mark Foley as a Democrat, whenever they show his name during telecasts. Could have been a typo, could be political distancing. But I wouldn't bet on the typo.

Republicans, just accept that your boy is a pervert and that Dennis Hastert knew, as reported by ABC's Brian Ross (on Bill O'Reilly's Fox News show, ironically enough). This is just the latest example of why you shouldn't watch Fox News. Only two people are really in danger of losing their jobs (Foley already resigned and Hastert was already under fire before this), yet the Fox Spin Doctors are out in full force, as if Dubya was caught bathing in the blood of puppies while having sex with his own daughters and eating the wings of angels. Is there really any reason to lie like this?

Nothing says "family values" like underage gay sex. Or spin doctoring. Vote GOP!