Welcome to the Early Summer Edition of the list of songs that are annoying the crap out of me. You’d think that there would be a lot of popular songs on this list, and you’d be wrong, because I don’t watch videos and I don’t listen to any radio stations that play any of the crap that we all know would really piss me off, like “Tatted Up” or the Usher/R. Kelly collabo that I still have yet to hear. My listening to those stations wouldn’t be a good thing for me or you. Or them, for that matter, because that could be the final tic that sends me over the edge. But these songs are the ones that have found their way into my headspace, despite my best efforts to keep them out.
Lost Without You – Robin Thicke
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a bad song. Quite the contrary, in fact. It’s just a victim of what radio stations always do with a good song: Actively try to make you hate it. What’s most impressive here is, I only listen to the radio for an hour in the morning every day and they’ve still managed to make me want to drive my car into oncoming traffic every time it comes on. The radio stations must be able to detect my nausea, so they alternate it every morning with the next song on this list…
Please Don’t Go – Tank
And really, I wish he would go. I know it’s a hackneyed joke, but dammit, I’m sick of this song. I never even thought it was that good in the first place. Now, this is the first time I’ve ever actually listened to Tank. When he first came out, he happened to be a victim of the Great R&B Boycott of the late 90s. But having listened to him, I’m just not that impressed. Being a child of the 80s and early 90s, I quickly grew tired of hearing grown men whine when Keith Sweat came out, so you can see why hearing this man screech the words “please don’t go” over and over could tend to grate on my nerves just a little. Let me just lay this question out there: With a name like “Tank,” does anyone else think he should sound like Teddy P or is it just me?
Right Now – Pussycat Dolls
And don’t think that this is the last time they’re going to show up on this list. As far as this song goes, I don’t even know if there’s more to the song than the hook, because that’s the only part ABC ever plays. Obviously, for reasons beyond the ken of my understanding, nothing says “playoff basketball” like a Pussycat Dolls song. It must be nice to live in the fantasy world of the marketing executive. Last year, it was Tom Petty (I think) and this year, the Pussycat Dolls. I’m willing to bet that every year, they just put their iPod on shuffle and pick the 12th song that it plays. Why 12th? I guess for the same reasons that you’d play the Pussycat Dolls during a basketball game.
Don’t Cha – Pussycat Dolls
When the promise of a Busta Rhymes verse couldn’t get me to stomach this song again, you knew it was in trouble. And it’s not like anyone could take a song seriously when it contained a line like “Don’t cha wish your girl was a freak like me?” There could be worse lines, but I don’t know because I’ve only heard it once. After a while, the song went away, but in a strange turn of events, it was remade by someone else less than a year later, inserted into a beer commercial and played during basketball games, where I wouldn’t be able to escape from it. Anyone who’s familiar with remakes can probably back me up here: Hearing the remake automatically makes me revert back to the original song. Except in this case, the original song sucks, too. Why would you do a crappy remake of a song that wasn’t good to begin with, not even a year after it came out? And why am I being punished with it during every commercial break? I already have to open and close the commercial breaks with “Right Now,” and somewhere in there, the remake of “Don’t Cha” gets played, because Heineken just couldn’t do any better. It’s the kind of conundrum that could just make your head explode.
Irreplaceable – Beyonce
You know what, Bianca? I’ve tried to be nice to you over the years. When you were with Destiny’s Child, I didn’t get on you too much for the fact that out of six or seven total members, you were the only one who couldn’t dance. Hell, I can’t dance, either. I tried (and failed miserably) to get past your squealing phase during “Writing’s on the Wall.” I even wrote you a letter of support back when everyone else seemed to hate you. And when you and Jay-Z got together, I tried to embrace you just because it would make things easier between the three of us. But I just can’t live this lie anymore. I just don’t like you. And clearly, you don’t like me. I say this because you keep putting out songs that annoy the crap out of me AND singing them in a way that makes me want to punch the radio every time I hear your voice. “Irreplaceable” was the last straw. I hate this song, cannot escape it, and I don’t even listen to radio stations that play it.
Remember The Name – Fort Minor
This song has been in my life for the last two or three years, and I’ve actually prayed that the meteor that’s going to kill us all would hit before someone else could use this song in something sports related. I don’t even think Fort Minor had another song besides this one, but who needs one when you’ve got endless royalties coming from a modest hit (and that’s being kind) that’s forever being supported by unimaginative monkeys in the production department? It was a smart move to use it for TNT’s NBA coverage…in 2004-05. Then, the TV series “Friday Night Lights” decided to use it for their promotion, which was constant. Then “Gridiron Gang” decided to use it for its promotion, which was also constant. Apparently, TV and movie execs don’t know how to promote in any other way besides “driving you to suicide.” And when you factor in that TNT is STILL using that song in 2007, it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone reading when I say that if I ever see anyone from Fort Minor in Decatur (and actually recognize them), I’ll finally be able to add the first notch to my “Celebrities I Ran Over With My Car” belt.
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