Paul Heyman made Albert relevant simply by changing his name to “A-Train.” Before that, he was just Albert: A wrestler so boring, he couldn’t draw heat if you threw gasoline and matches at him while he was sleeping inside of a jet engine. But all Heyman did was change his name, give him a better entrance, and the possibilities became endless. Everything else about him was exactly the same, but he SOUNDED more interesting. Who wouldn’t want to watch a wrestler named “A-Train?” It’s like the difference between a wrestler named
It’s the reason why they stopped calling Triple H, “Hunter Hearst Helmsley.” And it’s the reason why some wrestlers simply won’t stand a chance with the names they’re saddled with. I know; it’s not Vince’s fault that the angels delivered Gene Snitsky’s unborn soul to parents who would actually name him “Gene Snitsky.” But it is Vince’s fault that he looked at this guy and said, “Look, the fact that your ancestors were cursed by phonetics back in the old country shouldn’t stand in the way of my ability to exploit you. Let’s call you something else.” Snitsky’s not a bad wrestler, just a poorly named one. And some things just can’t be overcome.
So knowing this, it baffles the mind why The E insists on calling former NWA World Champion Ron “The Truth” Killings by the ridiculous “R-Truth.” I guess Vince took it personal that Killings found some success outside of his watch and not when he was called the equally ridiculous “K-Kwik” or “K-Krush.” This also baffles me because John Cena and Batista use their extremely bland real names when they could have kept on being “Prototype” and “Leviathan.”
What causes the need for these name changes? Why was “Wildcat” Chris Harris changed to “Braden Walker?” Why was Monty Brown changed to “Marcus Cor Von?” Are their names changed just because they came from TNA? Because in my mind, letting viewers know that Harris was a champion somewhere else or that Monty Brown has won the Super Bowl before might add some credibility to their debuting wrestlers. Otherwise, fans will notice how out of shape they look.
Not only that, what causes them to give wrestlers really bad names? Why make it harder for Kenny “Dykstra” or “Dolph Ziegler” than it has to be? The second I hear a guy come out named “Dolph Ziegler,” I’m instantly reminded why I stopped watching this crap: It’s really stupid. The guy could be Shawn Michaels mixed with Eddie Guerrero and Jesus, but when I hear “Dolph Ziegler,” I automatically think, “This guy never had a chance.
It would be one thing if they were changing these guys’ names to something that sounds good, but they’re giving them names that sound like they should be looking up at the lights at the end of the match. If you’re in charge of coming up with names for people and the best you can do is say, “I’m gonna name this guy after my favorite baseball player and send him out there,” we need to hook up after I get done writing this, because I know you give the bomb head.
Could you imagine if Ric Flair was sent out as “Ricky Fleihr,” because no one had the imagination to actually call him “Ric Flair,” or if it was “Mikey Higginbottom” who debuted alongside Marty Jannetty instead of “Shawn Michaels?” What about “Terry Gene Bollea?” “Sid Eudy?” Or even “Mick Foley?” Of course you can’t imagine it, because even if this fantasy, you know the guy wouldn’t have stuck around long enough for you to remember who he was. If “Larry Pfohl” had shown up in the NWA, I would have been too busy tripping over the strange combination of consonants to notice his lack of wrestling ability.
Point being, it’s all about sounding like a star when you name a wrestler. “Shawn Michaels” sounds like he should be famous for something, be it pro wrestling or drilling your favorite female porn stars. “Mike Higginbottom” sounds lke he works at a used car lot. No offense, Shawn.
Of course, just because a guy has a snappy sounding name doesn’t mean he’s automatically going to be successful, because David Flair went down in flames. But it helps for his name to make him sound like he’s not a loser to someone who hasn’t seen you yet. And just because WCW got lucky with “GOLDBERG” doesn’t mean that sticking with “LASHLEY” was the right move.
Everyone’s can’t be blessed with an ass-kicker’s name, like “Brock Lesnar,” so for every wrestler whose name really is “Garrison” or “Gregory,” The E should help them out by not making them face the world with those names, when they could be calling them “Lance” or “Hurricane.” But even in trying to help these guys’ careers by giving an eye-catching name, The E should still try to steer clear of making the wrestler in question wish he had used his real name instead.
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