The Six Stages of Employee Discontent

1. Surprise: You can’t believe that these people hired you! Lucky for you the stories from your old bosses never made it into your background check. Either that, or this company is really desperate for people right now. Either way, you’re just glad to be working. Sure, it’s not the greatest job and you might be able to make a dollar or two more somewhere else, but it’s okay, because you don’t plan on being here very long. Your resume is all over the place, you’re almost finished writing your book, “War in the Stars,” and your patents for the battery-powered vibrating condom are all ready to be filed. You’re on the verge of taking the world by the tail, or however that stupid saying goes.

2. Denial: Eight months into it and you’re still working there. What the hell happened? All your plans to change jobs fell through and you’ve had to put up with the most ridiculous people and rule changes. Remember the meeting where they said you’d get written up for not separating your garbage? Even though the company seemed really cool and laid back when you got there, things have really started to test your patience. Like the gossip queen or the nosy girl or the gay guy who wants to suck you off every time you’re in the bathroom together. Yeah, you let him do it that once, but he’s really tight with the gossip queen and you’re afraid he could blackmail you. You’ve got to get of here. But for some reason, you keep taking everything that’s heaped upon you. Why? You’re not going anywhere and the company knows it. You still think you’re leaving, though. Your book and your patents are going to pay off. You just know it. And that’s why this one is called “denial.”

3. Despair: “You know, God, if you strike me down right now, I promise I won’t be upset at all.” Those are the kinds of thoughts you’re beginning to have even before you open your eyes in the morning, because you hate going to work so much. “I think that 5 years in jail for bank robbery is an acceptable risk.” You also think that today could be the day you punch out the girl in the next cube who thinks she can sing. Your mind has begun wandering in this way because it’s starting to sink in that you’re going to be stuck working here for a while. After all, it turns out that you’re vibrating condom technology is neither safe nor enjoyable. And every publisher in your city says that your book is nothing more than a very uncreative retelling of “Star Wars,” but that movie is 31 years old. Who knew that they would notice? It seems like all of your plans are beginning to fall apart.

4. Bargaining: Everyone seems to be leaving and getting new jobs that pay better with less stress. Everyone except you, that is. This is the stage where you start begging everyone you know to pass along your resume. This is the stage where you ask everyone to “hook me up!” And if you’re desperate enough, this is the stage where you start to consider the sale of some of your morals in exchange for job leads. You’ll catch yourself saying things like, “In my mouth? Alright, but only if you get me on where you work,” or “I’ll let you put it in my ass for three minutes if you just pass my resume along, Roger.” Yes, you want to leave so bad that suddenly having to take a shot in the ass is no longer a deal-breaker. Ultimately, these things never work, because the fun jobs where they have parties every Friday and ride to work on rainbow clouds are looking for better qualified people than you.

5. Defeat: In this stage, you’re not brave enough to quit, but you’re actively trying to get fired. If you worked at Burger King, it’s the stage where you start getting extremely honest with the customers. You might tell one of them, “I’m gonna spit in your Whopper because your belt and shoes don’t match.” If you worked in a clothing store, you might tell the fatty browsing in the petite section that she hasn’t run enough laps to even accidently glance at size 4 jeans yet. You might tell her she so big that she’s not even allowed to buy them for someone else. And really, what do you have to lose? You hate your job. You’re at the point where you’ll sit in the parking lot and stare at the building before you come inside. Don’t act like you’ve never done it. But what else can you do? It’s a Bush economy and jobs aren’t really out there like they once were.

6. Acceptance: This is the stage where you get used to the idea that you’re stuck working this job because you didn’t listen to your mother and go to class instead of having that ninth shot of vodka off of that girl’s stomach. You feel no need in getting better at your job than you already are, yet you don’t worry about getting fired, because you’re working just hard enough to keep the red Staples box off of your desk. You no longer feel highs, nor lows, you believe that having a phone at your desk makes you somewhat important, and your proudest achievements include your streak of consecutive days coming to work drunk without arousing suspicion. Instead of filling your days with regrets about how you probably should have made that girl go home so you could put in that last ditch effort to write your senior thesis the night before it was due, your mind now tries to come up with reasons why you’re better off here than working for a successful company that pays well. You now defend the company decisions, explaining to your co-workers that we don’t need to have Christmas off. You’ve now become the kind of employee that everyone hates. Enjoy spending the next 30 years of your life stubbornly clinging to this unchanging, tedious, hourly wage job.