It's not just us; White people use fucked up names, too

I guess it's a little comforting to know that it isn't just Black people who give their kids fucked up names. Yes, white people do it, too. And while not too many things can compare with the secret shame that I feel when I see someone name their kid "Kayzeonte," the sting is taken out of it a little bit when I remember that one white woman named her kid "Trig," and they wanted her to be Vice-President. She might as well have named the boy "Math."

I just find it interesting how white people go about ruining their kids' lives. While Black people really go for the jugular, by making up names that only seem fitting when written in a police report, white people choose to name their kids by randomly picking words out of the dictionary. What's really sad is, even their trashy behavior requires more education.

But what is it that makes a white person think, "You know, I think 'Power' is a good name for a boy." It's not just famous white people doing this anymore. Kids named "Apple" or "Blade" or "Colt" are pretty normal among the Hollywood elite, but now, white people everywhere are naming their kids after random nouns. Even Michael Jackson, who's neither white nor elite, got into the act when he named his kid "Blanket," in a desperate attempt to shed his Blackness.

I don't know enough about Japanese or Indian names to know if they ever do things like this, but I'm pretty sure Arabs shy away from it. They're so sensitive that showing the bottom of your feet is considered offensive and they stone women for everything from not having dinner on the table fast enough to standing upright when men are as close as three blocks away. So naming your kid a name that isn't traditionally Arab probably just gets your house burned down.

It's a phenomenon that I just don't seem to understand. It's almost as if both Black and white people are trying to establish their kids' race through their name, instead of allowing their skin to do the talking for them. Look, there's no way that I'm going to think that a kid named "Sunbeam" is anything but white (or a hippie), just like I'm not going to think that a kid named "Zareontae" is anything but Black. But what if I want the mystery?

I'd rather not have a preconceived thought about a person before I even consider meeting them. I don't want to wonder how big of a space cadet Sunbeam is or how many liquor stores Zareontae is going to hold up. Unfortunately, that's what these weird names do to me, and I imagine, everyone else. People are going to automatically form an opinion of your kid before they walk in the room instead of letting their personality speak for themselves. And when Sunbeam opens the monkey cage at the zoo or Zareontae gets caught stealing from the gift shop, people are going to look at them and think, "See, I told you so."

But while both kids are going to be pre-judged based on their names, it's different with Black and white kids. Zareontae is going to be accepted by his friends, because let's face it; their names are just as fucked up. It's not like Nytron and LaKendrell can really say anything. But Sunbeam is gonna catch hell from their classmates, because a name like Sunbeam is like naming your kid, "I'm asking for a good beating." I don't care how much security he has, Trig is gonna catch it at some point. His only saving grace is that his mom is famous. That's the only thing saving Apple and Blade and Colt.

While Black kids have fucked up names, ultimately, they're just mishmashed syllables thrown together that mean nothing. We name our kids gibberish. White kids named after actual objects is probably worse, because what kid wants to be named "baby horse?" Hell, my name comes from one of Jesus's homeboys and I still didn't like it. I can only imagine how a kid would object to being named "Fruit."

So why not name them Melissa and Stephen and give them a chance to be regular people? We all know that kids are brutal creatures when deal with things like that, so instead of forcing them into therapy, let's realize that it's not all about us and give these kids regular names? Or at least a good nickname... and no, T-Mac doesn't count.