I totally get your Kardashian anger, Vogue readers.

Some people wonder why you wasted all that time being upset about Kim Kardashian on the Vogue cover.  "She's just getting her money and not hurting anyone." Someone probably told you to stop hating, because they have no idea how to form a legitimate argument.  But I understand, Vogue readers.  That's right, Thad Ochocinco, sporadic blogger who knows nothing about anything outside of sports or comic books, feels your pain. 

To sum it all up, It's worlds colliding, except no one asked or wanted them to. 

See, on some level, people read shit like Vogue so they don't have to deal with lowbrow shit like the Kardashians.  It's supposed to be a safe space away from all of that.  People who like the Kardashians have the E! Network, where they can have all of the Kardashians and Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers that they can handle.  The rest of us program our cable boxes to skip over the E! Network, because ignorance of what is on that channel is bliss.  "You keep that over there, and I'll stay over here."  "I don't bother you and you don't bother me."  It was like a storefront church in the middle of a red light district, except that in this metaphor, the Kardashians are actually the church and the red light district is the rest of the free world.  You know, come to think of it, maybe this metaphor doesn't work.

But to stick with it, say the church starts venturing out to convert the people.  Now, my ambisexual S&M Massage parlor isn't hurting anyone, but here comes this nun, trying to save souls, which kills my business.  She's making people think that there's something wrong with the sexual gratification of a massage while being whipped by a person of an unidentifiable sex.  But we had an understanding:  You keep inside the church, and I won't have your building firebombed by the mob underboss who controls this neighborhood.  Basically, this metaphor can also double as the pitch for Quentin Tarantino's Sister Act.

That's what's happening here.  Kim Kardashian is invading what was supposed to be a Kardashian-free zone, and we all deserve one of those, because without it, we're likely to devolve into whatever we call people from Tennessee.  She's breaking the terms of the agreement, and a lot of people are upset.  True, it wasn't her decision (the editor of Vogue said this would never happen, then magazine sales got low), but Vogue readers didn't want this.  Vogue readers (I guess, because I don't know any) believe that they're too high class to watch a show about two sisters smelling each other's vagina sweat (this actually happened on "Keeping Up With the Kardashians").  When the bar is that low, I'm not gonna say that they're wrong for feeling that way.

Usually, when worlds collide, something good comes out of it, like when the Justice League fought the Avengers, when Larry Bird played against Magic Johnson, when Spider-Man started selling Twinkies in the 1970s.  That was both adventurous and delicious.  This is more like what happened to Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl.  Or when RoboCop showed up on WCW Capital Combat.   Yeah, worlds were colliding, but in the same way that the world of sports cars sometimes collide with the world of the underside of a truck.  There was symbolic blood everywhere that night, and it was in the form of Sting's expression when he realized that he was actually standing in front of people pretending to be saved by RoboCop.

So I understand the anger of Vogue readers, and you should, too.  For all everyone's talk of "She's just doing her thing, let her make her money," or whatever stupid shit people say to make it appear like they're above it all, you know you'd be pissed if someone tried to feature her useless ass in three episodes of The Walking Dead. 

The Return of Flavor Flav

Flavor Flav is trying to get a show on TV where he goes back to school to get a diploma, because you can never have too many disruptive niggas in the classroom.

I know that this could turn out to be a positive thing. Flavor Flav is a public figure who might influence someone finish school. He dropped out in the 10th grade, and at the age of 50, has decided to get a high school diploma. On the surface, it sounds positive.

But let's be real. Flavor Flav, after traveling around the world, living the life of a famous music star, selling millions of records, starring in a rather successful reality series or two, and fucking thousands of women despite a face that looks like something that was lost under the refrigerator...after he's done doing all of that, has decided that school is an important priority. Really?

And it's such a high priority that he wants to air his high school adventures on VH-1, home of the groundbreaking "Flavor of Love." Groundbreaking in the same way that "2 Girls 1 Cup" is groundbreaking: You get to see that society hasn't quite hit rock bottom yet.

I really want to be positive about this, but it's Flavor Flav. No one expects anything intelligent from him, because he's fucking Flavor Flav. He wears a giant clock around his neck and has a mouth full of gold teeth. Expecting intelligence here is like expecting him to be a positive example of black manhood. And while I'm sure it'll help keep his own kids in school, I can't see anyone else saying to themselves, "I need to finish this paper, because if Flav can do it, so can I."

I want to believe that Flav will be an attentive student, who will dedicate himself to his studies and turn a brand new corner in his life. But I'm not that fucking dumb. That would make for some boring-ass TV, watching him be a functioning member of society. It's gonna be a half-hour of a 50 year old man continuing to set back Black America by being a clown again. Only this time...he's a CLASS clown. Zing.

As corny as that last line was, I'm willing to bet money that it was uttered at some point during the pitch meeting.

But what can he really say to kids? "Stay in school, so you can go far in life?" Ain't nobody trying to hear that from him. They'll look at him and think, "Didn't you have three seasons of a show based around women trying to fuck you, Mr. 10th Grade education?" Everything he's ever done appeals to what teenage boys want to do in life. I'd rather he just shut up and not say anything to the kids about staying in school. His existence destroys his argument and I've never known him to be eloquent enough to try to convince people otherwise. This is a man who's most famous quote is, "Yeah, BOYYYYYY!!!!" Not exactly Winston Churchill, you know? No one's gonna listen to him unless their goal in life is to go from "drug addict" to "STD minefield," and live to tell the tale.

So let's just call it what it is: A desperate attempt to stay relevant. If it was really about the education, he would have just done it and not tried to build a reality show around it. The only reason why this even came up is being his AutoTune-career didn't quite take off like he'd hoped. As proof that I'm not making this up...here.