The Return of Flavor Flav

Flavor Flav is trying to get a show on TV where he goes back to school to get a diploma, because you can never have too many disruptive niggas in the classroom.

I know that this could turn out to be a positive thing. Flavor Flav is a public figure who might influence someone finish school. He dropped out in the 10th grade, and at the age of 50, has decided to get a high school diploma. On the surface, it sounds positive.

But let's be real. Flavor Flav, after traveling around the world, living the life of a famous music star, selling millions of records, starring in a rather successful reality series or two, and fucking thousands of women despite a face that looks like something that was lost under the refrigerator...after he's done doing all of that, has decided that school is an important priority. Really?

And it's such a high priority that he wants to air his high school adventures on VH-1, home of the groundbreaking "Flavor of Love." Groundbreaking in the same way that "2 Girls 1 Cup" is groundbreaking: You get to see that society hasn't quite hit rock bottom yet.

I really want to be positive about this, but it's Flavor Flav. No one expects anything intelligent from him, because he's fucking Flavor Flav. He wears a giant clock around his neck and has a mouth full of gold teeth. Expecting intelligence here is like expecting him to be a positive example of black manhood. And while I'm sure it'll help keep his own kids in school, I can't see anyone else saying to themselves, "I need to finish this paper, because if Flav can do it, so can I."

I want to believe that Flav will be an attentive student, who will dedicate himself to his studies and turn a brand new corner in his life. But I'm not that fucking dumb. That would make for some boring-ass TV, watching him be a functioning member of society. It's gonna be a half-hour of a 50 year old man continuing to set back Black America by being a clown again. Only this time...he's a CLASS clown. Zing.

As corny as that last line was, I'm willing to bet money that it was uttered at some point during the pitch meeting.

But what can he really say to kids? "Stay in school, so you can go far in life?" Ain't nobody trying to hear that from him. They'll look at him and think, "Didn't you have three seasons of a show based around women trying to fuck you, Mr. 10th Grade education?" Everything he's ever done appeals to what teenage boys want to do in life. I'd rather he just shut up and not say anything to the kids about staying in school. His existence destroys his argument and I've never known him to be eloquent enough to try to convince people otherwise. This is a man who's most famous quote is, "Yeah, BOYYYYYY!!!!" Not exactly Winston Churchill, you know? No one's gonna listen to him unless their goal in life is to go from "drug addict" to "STD minefield," and live to tell the tale.

So let's just call it what it is: A desperate attempt to stay relevant. If it was really about the education, he would have just done it and not tried to build a reality show around it. The only reason why this even came up is being his AutoTune-career didn't quite take off like he'd hoped. As proof that I'm not making this up...here.

Ad execs: Stop trying to be my friend

I don't really watch a lot of Black programming on TV, mainly because it's almost nonexistent outside of BET and watching that channel conflicts with stated goal not to set back Black people. I rarely watch TVOne because I can watch reruns on TV Land. But I do listen to the radio (102.5 Atlanta), so I get a chance to hear some of the ways that advertisers try to attract the Black consumer. It's almost as if they're relying on the descriptions of the first Europeans in Africa: "The ways of these Negroes are very savage indeed, and they be very musical people. Also, they offered to put my ship on 24s."

I can't stress enough how much I despise the series of Hillshire Farm radio ads. It's commercials like this that make me think that ad execs really believe that we'll buy anything as long as you sing it to s. And it's not that, it's some sort of discarded Southern rap beat as the background music (usually SUV commercials). Don't let me forget the ones with Black people who have proper speaking voices trying to sound lie they're "down with the homies," so as to better relate to the "urban" demographic, while still enunciating every slang-tinted word.

Person: What is happening, homeboy? I can see that thou art jealous of my new Ford Flex! Its sleek styling assures that niggas will become nauseous with jealousy at the merest sight of it!

Other person: You are correct in your assessment, homie. Your fine vehicle just shitted all over my old car. Surely, the ladies will no longer consort with the likes of me. Regrettably, I have not to finances to acquire such.

Person: Sweat it not, for the noble dealership requires naught of you but a job! Their affordable rates will assure that you shan't miss a single child support payment!

Look, I understand that people want to be sold a product from a voice and a face that they can relate to. I get that. I just don't like the voice and the face that you chose to relate to me. How hard is it to have some intelligent-sounding Black people discussing the product? You think I'll only respond to a commercial because it's got pimps and breakdancers in it, because they are the cornerstones of the "Black experience?" I don't see Latino-based ads with Mexicans discussing the refreshing taste of Coke while they're running from "la migre." Just because you don't see it on "I Love New York" doesn't mean that Black people aren't capable of comprehending regular English.

The commercials don't have to have a sassy Black woman, rappers, or be "hip" in any way. I don't need for your company to show that it understands my struggle. I don't know anyone who bought a bottle of Pine-Sol because they felt like the company was "speaking their language." You're selling me disinfectant, not marrying into my family, so we don't need to have an intimate relationship. Just have two Black people tell me about your company's promises not to put the ebola virus in the bottle (without trying to sound "Black") and get the hell off my screen. If you're selling washing powder to Black woman, then just talk about how the washing powder gets whites their whitest. It's not a requirement for someone to say, "Whoo, chile! This new Tide sho' is good! Let's go tell Big Mama!"

Trust me, we know when we're listening to another Black person, so you don't need to tell your voice actors to be "more Black" in an effort to earn our loyalties. Even Al Roker's voice can't be confused for a white man. We know the difference between our voices and yours, so the stereotypes aren't necessary. Just talk to us like grown-ups. And if you want to show that you're sensitive to the Black community, donate to some schools or build some sidewalks. Don't learn the hard way that pandering is insulting, like Hillary Clinton did.