Despite the loss of brain function that this level of stupidity inflicts on me, I soldiered on and read the entire article just so I could tell you about it. Hearing about things like this is like kicking my brain in the nuts.
The city of Batman, in southeastern Turkey, is suing Warner Bros. and "The Dark Knight" director, Christopher Nolan for making a movie that uses their city name without permission. I'll let that sink in, because stupidity like this has to digest properly or else you'll get a headache.
The mayor of the city, Huseyin "The Kid in the Helmet" Kalkan, is preparing a list of charges to formally bring against Warner Bros., that include, and I'm not making this up: "Placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film's success has had on the city's inhabitants." Rumor has it that future charges include "making our kids grades go down in school and making our dogs doodle on the carpet."
Kalkan is also supposed to be getting some stuff together that proves that the town of Batman is older than the 1939 first appearance of the superhero. While he's at it, he might want to come up with a story that explains why the town of Batman waited 69 years to say anything about this. It's not like Batman just came out earlier this year. And I'm sure that the fact that "The Dark Knight" is on the verge of earning $1 billion at the box office has nothing to do with this.
Variety also reports that "former natives of Batman are also said to have encountered obstacles when attempting to register their businesses abroad." No word on whether or not the obstacle encountered was uncontrollable laughter and a prompt dismissal of what is clearly a joke name. After all, if someone came to me and said that they were from Flintstones, Australia, I'd laugh at them so hard that I'd never even notice how offended they were, before they packed up their bottomless cars and left. So naturally, I'd just assume that anyone from Batman was in the child sex trade and was trying to sell me a ten-year old in green shorts.
As for why no one from Warner Bros. ever said anything to the town of Batman about "Batman," I quoted myself as saying, "Seriously?" Getting into my make-believe role of "legal analyst," I speculated further by saying, "My guess is that they didn't know the city was there because of the rampant exploding that happens in that part of the world. Warner Bros. has nothing to worry about because some of the sensitive Arabs in the area probably will have burned the town down before the suit is even completed."
There are also now unconfirmed reports that New York is preparing to sue a host of movies and songs, including "Escape from New York," "Gangs of New York," Frank Sinatra, for his hit, "New York, New York," and every rapper from New York for referring to either the city as a whole or claiming one of the boroughs as their own, along with China, who's looking to go after Jet Li for his "Once Upon a Time in China" movies and Guns N' Roses for the just released "Chinese Democracy." China says, "We were willing to overlook the new GN'R until we heard it. We just can't stand for them besmirching our good name like that. It really blows. Give it a rest, Axl."
The mayor of Metropolis, IL, Billy McDaniel says that "Batman is really screwing themselves out of a gravy train," by not embracing this whole thing. "Who needs dignity when your city can roll in the dough having outsiders come to see if your residents really drive Batmobiles to work? You're missing out, dude."
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