"Do you know the difference between you and every millionaire in the world? They decided they wanted to be millionaires and they went out and did it."
There's no mention of marketable skills or work or anything like that. According to the commercial I'm quoting, any loser that wants to be a millionaire can just become one. Step one: Wish to be a millionaire. Step two: Get peroxide ready for all of the paper cuts you'll suffer counting the money that's about to fall out of the sky. Step three: Be millionaire. Step four: Buy midget to become loyal and dehumanized man-servant.
If you won the lottery, then the above could be a true statement, because that's the only hope that most of us have for moving out of our current tax bracket, let alone becoming a millionaire. The truth is, the majority of millionaires have something going for them. They've got business savvy, they can make you laugh until you soil yourself, they can throw a ball really far, or maybe even they have a horrifying lack of morals. If you don't have anything that anyone wants, how do you expect to become a millionaire? If wishing was all it took to get things done, I'd only use the bathroom in the clouds, because I'd be able to fly. If that was all it took, Beyonce would have an Oscar and we'd probably have a shortage of Jews and Black people. To let you know how hard of an uphill climb you're facing, strippers and prostitutes have things that people want and they're still not millionaires.
For the most part, it's safe to say that most of us are never going to be rich. It might be a negative statement, but so is saying that you'll shoot your eye out playing with your Red Rider B.B. Gun. That negativity doesn't make the fact that you're in the emergency room getting a glass eye put in your newly vacated eye socket any less true. Face it: You're not getting rich any time soon unless there's a Monopoly board laid out in front of you.
Scientists estimate that your potential to be rich decreases each year after the age of 22; 22 being the age that most athletes have left college for the pro ranks. That potential coasts until about 26 because that's the age that most CW and Disney Channel actors/semi-talented music acts have been signed. After that, your earning potential drops off faster than Guns N' Roses on this week's Billboard charts. So if you haven't gotten rich by age 26, you're probably not going to.
All of the genius kids have made their fortunes by 20 and the rich kids born into massive fortunes have received their trust funds by 23. If you were one of those, you would have already fired your butler for trying to read this nonsense to you instead of reorganizing your stacks of hundreds by serial number like you told him. That leaves the rare category of small business owners and low-budget inventors looking to happen upon the next big thing, like the ShamWow or the knife that cuts through both tomatoes and bricks (and children) with the same easy motion. Those people almost never make it and if you haven't started filming your infomercial starring that guy who looks like a game show host, you've got no shot at it. Just give up now.
So what hope do you have, Joe Six-Pack or Hockey Mom, of being rich? My guess is that you've got about the same chances as a person does have getting hit by a falling piece of aircraft AND lightning at the same time, during your suicide attempt that came after you realized that you were never going to be rich. Plus, the scam with the syringe in the soda can stopped working around the same time that they realized that no one liked Crystal Pepsi. In fact, the only reason you have to keep going is...no, not your family. It's probably just going to be a fear of death.
It's going to take a drastic readjustment of your goals in life to keep going. So you're not going to be rich. We've already established that 5% of Americans are ever going to be rich, because we haven't started the Socialist Revolution yet. And out of that 5%, at least 0.5% are lottery winners who will be taken for every dime they won by investing in Amway products or commemorative plates, because the same people who are dumb enough to play the lottery every day are the same people who are dumb enough to lose all of their winnings on something as stupid as they are. So you should try to find a more realistic goal in life.
Like "Not telling your boss what you're NOT going to do that day." Since you're not going to be rich, let's face it: You NEED your job and with the economy being what it is, you can't afford to piss away the one thing that's keeping you off the street. Or perhaps you could satisfy yourself with making it to church every week. That way, you can content yourself with being rich in spirit while loading up at the Dollar General. Maybe even trying to lower the amount of liquor it takes to kill the dull ache of failure in your chest. Having the best grammar at the food stamp office. Reducing your food intake to four meals a day. Small goals are what it's going to take to get you from here to retirement. At that point, you won't care about anything because it'll be socially acceptable for you to shit yourself whenever you want.
Look at the bright side: If you were a racehorse, you would have peaked at three and you'd be dead at 18. Of course, the remaining 15 years between you and the glue shelf at Wal-Mart are filled with lots and lots of sex. And speaking of sex, allow me to shatter one more dream for you: Your favorite celebrity is never going to sleep with you.
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