It’s just something I never really got into because I’m not big on lying to myself. I know I’m not about to just radically change into someone else. I’m pretty sure that in March, I’m still gonna look exactly the same as I do right now. I don’t even do things that all grown men should do, like shave and iron clothes, so you can forget a gym routine.
For the most part, everyone that starts a New Year’s Resolution doesn’t last anymore than a month or two before they get back into gambling grandma’s medicine money or cheating on their boyfriend or whatever they told the judge they weren’t gonna do anymore.
We’re just not strong enough to make sudden changes that we know are right. I know that I probably shouldn’t eat my nightly steak right before bed. I know I shouldn’t type on my laptop while driving. I know I shouldn’t use my grill in the living room. I can tell you that I’m going to stop, but I don’t want to because I don’t think I should have to suffer the cold just to enjoy a flame-broiled hot dog.
The problem is there’s no one holding me accountable for the things I say I’ll change. And that’s why New Year’s Resolutions ultimately fail. I’ll tell you that I’ll learn Swahili in 2009, but not only is no one going to follow up on it, even if someone did, I don’t know anyone who knows enough Swahili to make sure that I’m really speaking it or just speaking gibberish.
If we really wanted to change, we wouldn’t wait until January 1 of the following year to actually do it. If it’s May and you decide that it’s probably best that you start being nicer to waiters and waitresses because you’re tired of them leaving condoms in your food, you should probably start doing that in May. If you make it a New Year’s Resolution, that’s seven more months before you get a meal without used latex in it.
Consequently, if it’s November and you decide that you’re going to stop drinking in the New Year, that doesn’t mean you should spent the next two months making sure your liver doesn’t live to see what alcohol-free living is like. That’s a sure-fire sign that your resolution is doomed from the start: Gorging yourself on whatever you’re about to give up. You’re also sure to find out what alcohol poisoning is like.
People who claim that they’re going to start diets (because everyone says they’re going to lose weight) decide to do it right before Thanksgiving and Christmas, which means they’re about to put on 15 extra pounds and create more work for themselves. Logic would dictate that you’d want to diet during the time that you’re expected to gain the most weight, because if you can make it through the fattest 30 days of the year, the next 11 months will be a breeze. Your main obstacle is making it through the holidays without getting your stomach pumped.
But let’s say you actually do start your diet on January 1st. Like I said before, no one’s holding you to it, because they’re too busy trying to stay focused on their own lies. Your co-worker’s trying to quit smoking and your husband swears he’s gonna jog every morning. They don’t want to point out that you just stuffed that box of chocolate in your mouth because they don’t want you to remember that you just caught them chain-smoking in the bathroom.
I know it’s fashionable to wait until January 1st to start your resolutions, but just stop it. Snow boots in places where it doesn’t snow are also fashionable, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t stupid. You’re not going to actually follow through with your resolutions, because you don’t really want to do it. You’re just doing it because you think you should.
But you’re not really ready to commit to mountain climbing every day, so don’t do it. It won’t last and you’ll only get someone hurt. Go sit on the couch, put your feet up, and drown yourself in pork rinds. What you need is that “moment of clarity,” like alcoholics talk about, because the truth of the matter is we don’t really want to change.
It shouldn’t take a beating from the cops or waking up to another man’s ass to make you stop drinking, but that’s what it takes for some people. Some need to pass out while walking up the stairs to realize they need more exercise and vegetables. We just don’t realize how hot the stove is until that pot leaves us with third degree burns. People are just hardheaded and we like our lives the way they are. We have to be made to change, which is why our Armed Forces use the tactic of a loud person screaming at you.
So until that drill sergeant of life is actually here, spitting on me while he asks if “I think that’s funny,” I’m going to keep on being the exact same underachiever I always was.
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