There are some sports franchises that I just never believed would ever be any good. The Los Angeles Clippers, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Milwaukee Bucks, the Detroit Lions. Well, now, the Arizona Cardinals are removing themselves from that list. The only way I ever thought I'd say the words "Arizona Cardinals" and "Super Bowl" in the same sentence was if I said "The Arizona Cardinals will go to the Super Bowl when George W. Bush gets his own holiday." Well, the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl, so I suppose the possibility remainst that one day school will close on "W-Day."
How in the world did this happen? As always, I have theories that involve the Devil, but the sane part of me thinks that the Cardinals started throwing games the second it became clear that they were going to win their division. When your division contains St. Louis, San Francisco, and Seattle, it's didn't take long at all for Arizona to lock it up, because everyone else was out of contention by Week 6. Arizona wont heir division at 9-7 and still had a three game lead on their next closest competitor.
That's the only explanation I have for them to have played so badly against New England, Carolina, and Philadelphia in the regular season, then turn around and beat two of the three in the playoffs. They sucked us in, made us think that they were really crappy (not hard to do when you're the Cardinals), and then started trampling that ass. And they were the best possible team to do something like this, because when has anyone ever taken a football team named "The Cardinals" seriously. They couldn't have been less intimidating if they were named the "Pixie Dust Unicorns."
If it ever turns out that coach Ken Whizenhunt applied the "rope-a-dope" to football games, then he should be admitted into the Hall of Fame now, because that's genius. No one ever considered that Arizona might actually be good, because they're like the nerd that's tutoring your hot girlfriend. Since the Cardinals have always been as non-threatening as the cover of "Tiger Beat," it has never crossed your mind that he might actually try to get some. So while you think that it's perfectly okay to leave them alone together, allow me to shatter your illusions, smart guy: The Arizona Cardinals are banging your girlfriend.
It's the type of thing that has never occurred to anyone outisde of the asylum, like Scientology or George W. Bush becoming President. You just look at it and think, "Yeah, right; like 40 million people are gonna vote for that guy," or "There's no way people are dumb enough to believe this Zenu crap." It's just so ridiculous that you can't ever imagine it happening. Next thing you know, half of America is either in Iraq or homeless and Tom Cruise is making Katie Holmes suffer through childbirth in total silence.
So now that the ridiculous has become reality, anything is possible. Arizona just won the NFC Championship; two days later we're swearing in a Black President. Makes you wonder what else the future holds. Perhaps pro wrestling and video games will become Olympic events. Perhaps playing the accordion will become a respected form of musical expression.
I'm really curious to see how many people immediately lost interest in the Super Bowl the second that the Eagles-Cardinals game was over. Most people won't care about the Super Bowl, because on the one hand, Pittsburgh has the mass appeal of the San Antonio Spurs (none), and on the other, they don't know anyone who plays for the Cardinals. After all, part of being a well-established loser is being completely anonymous. Think about it: How many of the Cleveland Indians can you name without consulting ESPN.com?
Having had time to let it sink in, though, I have to admit that having another chance to see Larry Fitzgerald dominate a secondary sounds good. I won't even have the burden of a team I like playing against them to cloud my judgment, because there aren't many teams out there that can put me to sleep like Pittsburgh. I don't know what it is about them; just that sometime after kickoff, I'm left drooling all over my pillow. I like their players well enough, just not well enough to keep watching.
I'm not picking this time, though. I've been wrong at every turn this season, plus Arizona is this year's Giants, determined to make me question everything I thought I knew about football. Pittsburgh is Pittsburgh; always good enough to be one of the best teams, but never good enough to make me pick them to win. So I'm going to leave this one to the experts. That's right: The Vegas odds makers.
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