Screw LeBron James; We are all witnesses to Barack Obama.
But first, we had to wait. Because in an homage to his people, the entire inauguration started late. Aretha Franklin got out there and extended a song by three minutes, as only Black people can do. 12 noon. Barack's Presidency had officially begun, but he hadn't been sworn yet. What's he doing? He's sitting outside, listening to music and working on his tan. Hey, Barack! You're on the clock! We ain't paying you to enjoy yourself! You need to get back inside and fix something! I swear...just like Black folks. Always trying to steal company time.
It was a nice song that was playing, though. I don't remember the name, but it was by John Williams, the guy who scored "Star Wars."
Dick Cheney was shown getting pushed around in a wheelchair. They claimed that he had hurt is back, but I believe that the evil in his soul has actually started eating his body from within.
Did anyone else notice that Bill Clinton still looks salty?
All through this broadcast, they kept cutting off Soledad O'Brien. Don't worry, baby; I was listening to you.
The few times that they showed George W. Bush during Obama's speech, he almost looked jealous of the reaction to Barack; like he couldn't understand why people didn't do all of that for him. For one, it rained during your inauguration, didn't it? Second, half of the voters didn't just vote against you, they vehemently opposed your existence. During your time in office, you didn't do anything to heal the wounds; in fact, you went out of your way to twist the knife. If not for the very real chance that the Secret Service would make people disappear, you would have spent the last seven years ducking shoes, instead of that one day in Iraq. Barack's inauguration is what happens when people like you. That, and when you're democratically elected.
But, as far as the speech went, it was another banger. Has he ever given a bad speech? That's another good thing about Obama replacing Bush: We no longer have a President who openly battles the words in his own mouth.
And to close, there was a poem. Apparently, no one in America likes poetry, because the CNN mics picked up people saying, "Piss break!" and "Aw, shit. I'm gonna go start the car." It was sort of an awkward moment watching the poet (I missed her name) look out at a crowd that didn't give a crap who she was and what she was about to say. That crowd was clearing out so fast, you'd have thought there was riot police beating people. And CNN kept showing the crowd during the poetry reading, perfectly capturing the collective apathy that Americans have towards poetry. Me, I was picking the price tags off my used DVDs.
After the whole thing was over, Obama walked Bush to the back door and put him on a helicopter to...I don't know where the hell he was going. But it looked like he was politely rushing to put him out, like a relative that you don't really care for. It's the end of an era, though. They should have brought out some midgets to sing a rousing chorus of "Ding Dong, the witch is dead."
The time is now 1:00. Barack ain't signed no papers or brought no troops home or nothing. You know white folks are counting the minutes, Barack. Just pretend like you're working before they try to fire you.
1:03. He's signing stuff now. He remarked that he was told not to steal the pen. He knows. Oh, yes...he knows.
Barack Obama was sworn in, put the old President out, then went back inside and held a luncheon with all of Congress. CNN showed split screen of the luncheon and Bush arriving at the airport. There's something funny about that. They couldn't even let him hang out and eat before they put him on a plane.
But now, the Bush-Cheney Presidency is finally over, eight years later than it should have ended. You won't be missed, except by the world's comedians. Few administrations have made a mockery of government like this one. No more Cheney, inventing branches of government that don't exist. No more Rumsfeld, randomly pissing people off. No more Karl Rove, unless you watch Fox News (and you shouldn't). No more Condi Rice taking it on the chin for Bush. Welcome, President Obama. The Daily Show is going to have a rough time making fun of you...but then, that's why you picked Joe Biden to be your VP, isn't it?
Congratulations, America: Our President is no longer a boob.