Don't make the man WANT to hit you

Is there ever a time when smacking a woman is okay?

Crazy question, I know, but it's one that seems to keep coming up. After all, it's something that has touched us all in one way or another, whether we've actually been involved in it somehow, we've talked to a friend or relative who's done it, or because celebrities just can't keep from punching each other. Everyone has a viewpoint on this. I don't think there's anyone in the world who doesn't have an opinion on whether or not it's okay to hit your girl with a ridge hand to the bridge of her nose.

I was raised to believe that you should never hit a woman. It wasn't anything that my dad and I talked about, because it's not like I had a problem with going around smacking women (except in eighth grade, when I kept smacking a girl I liked on her ass. He still doesn't know I did this, and mostly like won't, because he doesn't read me). But just through the power of observation, I learned not to do it. I never saw my dad hit my mother. I've never even seen my parents argue. The only person I ever saw him hit was us (his kids), it was with a belt, and we had it coming (Okay. I got it. I shouldn't drink water out of puddles in the street).

So, I believe that hitting women is wrong. Let's face it: Women, generally speaking, are not as strong as men, and for all that talk about women having a higher pain tolerance, you can play-fight with a woman and her knees will buckle like Mike Tyson blasted her across the face with a lead pipe. We can't hit women, for one, because it's about as fair as hitting a sleeping hobo.

Not only that, men are supposed to want to protect women. When you find someone you really love, when it goes down, you put that person before yourself. Now, if you're beating your woman in the face every night, the only way you can protect her is to stop hitting her. If you're a full blown abuser, you won't wanna do anything that fucking dumb. She might start feeling good about herself and leave. Then, what are you supposed to punch?

But there are those times when women are practically begging the man to punch her in the fucking face. I don't know why some women do those things. I know some women don't believe that their man will hit them, so that gives them free license not to shut the fuck up. They'll call the man a "bitch" if he doesn't hit her, but he's a "bitch" if he does. I know some women might want to get their man locked up and sully his name forever, because that's something that never goes away. Maybe the woman never learned that a man can break a woman's jaw without even knowing how to punch, and she won't ever see where she went wrong until she slaps her man across the face. Either way, these women are goading their men into doing it. I'm not giving them a pass or anything, because the man still shouldn't hit the woman...but something needs to be said to these women who are bringing it on themselves.

I'm not talking about the serial abuser who hits his girl "because he loves her." That dude's got anger management problems and will probably be found shirtless and tasered in his front yard at some point. I'm talking about the guy whose girl is purposely pressing his buttons until his frustrations overtake his common sense.

I say again, it's NEVER okay for a man to hit a woman (unless she's got a knife or a gun, in which case, if you think I'm wrong, fuck you). This is pretty much a common truth that can't ever be disputed.

What isn't a common truth is that women are fucking angels who a blameless in all fist-to-face situations. See, getting run over by a truck is wrong, too, but that doesn't mean that you should stand in front of one and dare it to hit you. That's what we're talking about here.

Despite the fact that women are good at shouting dissent into submission (not because the logic is air tight, but because men just want women to shut the fuck up), this simply isn't true. We really need to get past the idea that men are always at fault for everything. I remember hearing about some woman who stole thousands of dollars of her husband's money that was intended for their kid's private school, and when he decided to divorce and sue her, one of my idiot co-workers said that it wasn't stealing because they were married and it was her money, too. This is the same woman who once said that Central and South America are part of the United States of America because they all have "America" in the name.

Now, if that guy had punched his woman, I can't say that he was entirely wrong. I mean, he would have been wrong, but wrong in the same way that speeding or insulting BET employees is wrong. Sure, there was probably a better way to handle it, but it's not like they didn't have it coming. You'll say all the right things out loud, but in your head, you're thinking, "...but I understand."

We all know those women. The ones that we look at and think, "It's just a matter of time before some man tees off on her eye socket." And then, when it actually happens, we pretend to be shocked and condemn that man, all the while forgetting that eight-month transition period where she drove him to drink. Yeah, punching is wrong, but fuck me, so is nagging. It must be bad if even the Bible tells you that a man "would rather live on the roof than come home to a nagging wife." Yeah, women don't like getting punched, but nagging is like "verbal punching" to men. And since we don't use words too well, we resort to using fists. Think of it as "words that you can feel."

We don't think about that when a guy snaps. There's no TV show about guys who got fed up and heart punched his wife, unless you count "Cops." All we see is the pictures on TMZ.com. And just like that, he's gotta go through life hearing strangers preaching that he'll do it again. Meanwhile, the woman he used to be with is stressing out some other man until he's faced with that inevitable choice: Ruining his life by destroying his liver or ruining his life by making her swallow some teeth.

Situations take on a whole new perspective when they're looked at through that light. It doesn't let the guy off the hook, because HITTING WOMEN IS WRONG, but it does point out the woman's own role in her getting that ass whooped. Yes, ladies...he should keep his hands to himself, but next time he refuses to argue with you and leaves the room in protest, maybe you should just let him leave instead of following behind him. Being right isn't worth a broken orbital bone.