Some people look at the Dallas Cowboys new Cowboys Stadium and are shocked and awed by the scale of such a project. I look at it and think that Jerry Jones must have a small dick that needs to be compensated for.
Some things are just excessive, like a $400,000 car or whatever Michael Jackson did to his face. There comes a time when people need to reign in their wishes. Take me, for instance. I'm never going to be able to fly, because mutant powers aren't real. And I'm not going to jump out of a plane to try to shock my system into developing any. I recognize my limitations.
Guys like Jerry Jones, though, are only limited by what's in their bank account, and even though there was nothing wrong with the old Texas Stadium, he needed to make a statement and leave a lasting legacy on this earth. Because owning one of the most famous sports franchises in the world and winning multiple championships is for pussies, with no imagination. Anyone can do that. No, he needed a grand spectacle as a tribute to his own greatness, and (taxpayer) money would be no object. The only difference between what he had built and what the pharaohs of Egypt built is that his face isn't on the outside. I'm sure it crossed his mind, but then he wouldn't be able to lie about being humble. The JerrySphinx was also considered, I'm sure, but no one would have paid to see it, and so, the Jones-Mahal was born.
And he built the largest TV in the world inside of it instead, with ESPN and NBC practically begging to broadcast his face during every piece devoted to this giant metal monstrosity. I'm Jerry Jones thinks that's an even better idea.
And so what if the grand total turned out to be over $1 billion dollars? Ticket price hikes and overpriced food (a Kobe beef burger is $13.00, but for that price, Kobe better hand-deliver it) and parking ($75) will keep the money rolling in. And seat licenses. Oh, Allah bless the person who invented seat licenses.
For anyone who doesn't know what a seat license is, it's a document that gives season ticket holders the option to retain their exact seats from one season to the next. Think of it as a lease for your seat. Now, I know what you're thinking: Isn't that the point of buying season tickets to begin with? And they'd tell you that you're somehow not understanding the concept of season tickets, before showing off the marble tiles in the bathrooms.
Seat licenses last for 30 years, and range in price from $2,000 to $150,000. Dollars, not pesos. Oh, yeah...and they're required. Can't get season tickets without 'em.
Living in Atlanta, one thing I love about the Georgia Dome is that there isn't a bad seat in the place, as far as I know. I've been in the nosebleeds, I've been in the club level seats, I've been in the luxury boxes. Never had a problem seeing the field. But in the JerryWorld Domed Pleasure Palace, there have already been numerous stories done about seats where you can't even see the entire field. Your enjoyment of the seat depends on whether or not you're so spoiled that seeing the entire game is non-negotiable. The people in those seats can't even watch the game on the giant, $40 million TV, because there's a wall in the way. The price of those seats? Reportedly $75.
Yeah, it's a sight. I can't lie about that. It's unarguably the most extravagant stadium in the league (and possibly the world), which is piss in the corn flakes of the Arizona Cardinals, because no one's talking about their stadium anymore.
But it's expensive as shit. Needlessly expensive as shit. Jerry Jones himself said they could have built it for $850 million, which is still needlessly expensive, but not "$1.12 billion" expensive. And all that luxury will be paid for by football fans who don't even need all that shit. Because the truth is, football fans will watch football in whatever environment is out there. Giants, Jets, Packers, and Eagles fans are notorious for sitting in the fucking snow to watch their teams.
I'm not suggesting that Jerry Jones should have pared it down to an open-air stadium in the middle of Dallas, because on a hot day, in between the third-degree burns from the metal bleachers or the 110 degree days in August, people are going to DIE trying to watch the Cowboys. I mean, it's nice to have all of the bells and whistles, but the chairs could be covered in broken glass and fans would just find a way to make due. It's football. It's the manliest sport we have (because MMA is there to keep crazy motherfuckers from going in and out of jail). Do you really think your fans are that concerned about your $4 million sculpture in the lobby or how plush the seats are?
But the most disheartening thing about all of this to me is this statement: "With the choices people have, it is imperative for that in-stadium experience to be really special," says Ray Anderson, the NFL's executive vice president of football operations. "Jerry Jones is responding to that need, with the bells and whistles in that stadium. He put it out there. Going forward, new stadiums will be challenged to duplicate what he's done to enhance the fan experience. He's a few years ahead of the curve."
The only enhancing of the "fan experience" that I see is "enhancing" the emptiness of your damn pockets. You're there to see the game, not the stadium, because if that was the case, why not just go up there on a day when nothing's happening and take a tour? So prepare yourselves for the next fifteen years of owners of all sports teams whining about how their stadiums just aren't good enough compared to what one of the other little girls has.
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