Be mad and stay mad, Cleveland. I understand.

No one has a problem with people being emotionally invested in sports. At least not when fans are buying jerseys or getting tattoos of the team logo or throwing down thousands a season to come watch a team that has no hope of making the playoffs. That kind of emotional investment is okay. But when it comes to being angry at a player for leaving town, suddenly, fans are expected to "get over it."

LeBron James came back to Cleveland last night and proceeded to bust the Cavs heads open. Now, in the minds of many sports commentators (and probably fans, too), it's time for Cleveland to pipe down and stop whining about losing LeBron. The anger should have been burned out now, because you screamed at him for three straight hours. But it's not always that simple. After all, Cleveland put their hearts into LeBron for seven straight years. By my calculations, Cleveland should be allowed to scream at him for the rest of his career and at least half of his retirement. Hell, "The Decision" just happened in July. We haven't even seen the worst of what Cleveland can do yet. Have you seen what they do to their own shit? THEIR LAKE LIGHTS ON FIRE.

Some people might think it's crazy to put that much into a person who will never even know your name, and it is. But that's how sports goes. We are so crazy about our teams that we'll tailgate in subzero temperatures. Being mad at LeBron is nothing compared to that. But that's an acceptable level of insanity. Truth is, the same level of insanity that it takes to throw yourself into a team that is only after your money is the same level of insanity that it takes to get upset with a person for leaving that team. You can't think one is okay and not the other. Yeah, it's crazy to cry because LeBron went to Miami, but it's also crazy to buy seat licenses.

I'm not knocking it, because that would make me a hypocrite. I spend money on tickets and merchandise, too. I refuse to miss watching or listening to the Falcons on Sundays, and fume like a madman if they lose to their rivals. I live or die on each basket that the Chicago Bulls make. I talk trash to people about how well "my team" is doing, like I have some kind of financial stake in my teams. Yeah, I'm just as crazy as the rest of us. But that's where people seem to think the line should be drawn. "Be happy when things are going well, but don't be upset when things go bad. After all, it's just a business."

But it isn't "just a business." Not to the fans. If it was, people wouldn't do the things that they do to follow these teams. People name their kids after sports-related trivia. People have lost friendships and estranged themselves from family over sports. People get arrested all the time because they were fighting over sports. I personally insulted everyone from the state of Louisiana last year. For God's sake, people treat fantasy football like it's a religion. It stopped being "just a business" for the fans a long time ago.

It's just that "the business" doesn't like to see the angry side of the fans. I don't understand why, because it's not like they can't sell it. Hell, anger in sports is the easiest thing to sell. Lakers/Celtics bordered on outright racism in the 1980s. People have hated Duke for no discernible reason for the last 30 years.

But when it gets to that point, suddenly, it's "too much." "The fans have taken this just a little bit too far." "Get over it, fans. It's just a game." Oh, NOW, it's just a game. When it was time to renew those season tickets, though, it's was "team spirit."

They encourage fans to "get involved" in the team. "Support your hometown heroes." They like for fans to get painted up and wear costumes, or wave towels, and all that stuff. It's good TV to see that guy with no shirt on in the dead of winter at a Patriots game. They like for fans to feel like they're part of the team. Even though that stuff is plenty stupid, too, it's all good, because everyone is happy.

Then, LeBron leaves town. And not just leave, but announces on ESPN in a primetime special that he's leaving, THEN shows up at a parade the next night in Miami. THEN acts like he can't understand why everyone's all mad. Basically, blowing off Cleveland in the douchiest way possible. Suddenly, Cleveland is just expected to understand.

Well, fuck all that. If Cleveland wants to be upset for the rest of LeBron's career (and they probably will), then they're entitled. They were told to hitch their fortunes to THAT GUY and promised BY HIM that he'd bring a title to Cleveland. And it wasn't like someone like Brad Daughtery or Gerald Wilkins said it. LeBron was someone who had the ability to actually back that up. He was "The Chosen One," because the tattoo on his back said so. He gave them hope that for once, Cleveland would be known for something other than failure in sports and the Drew Carey Show (undoubtedly filmed in California). They got emotionally invested and LeBron (and the Cavs, to be fair) made a ton of money off of that emotional investment. So when the emotions turn sour, you can't just expect people just to shake that shit off, just because it's an inconvenience to YOU. And you certainly can't deride them because they're upset.

Well, you could, but you would also be hypocrite. Especially if you're from a soccer playing nation.

Situations like this are often compared to a breakup and we don't always expect people to just shake off a break up. We put all this time and effort and yes, emotion into these relationships and when they don't work, it fucking hurts and leads to sleepless night and drinking and that dull ache in your chest and OH GOD WHY WON'T SHE COME BACK TO ME???!!!

Sports really isn't all that different, except for the fact that maybe two or three times a year, you get to see that person and tell them exactly how you feel. You can't do that in real life, because you'd get arrested. So really, what happened in Cleveland last night was kind of cathartic for them. Even though the team lost, the city got to tell LeBron exactly what they thought to his face (more or less).

What we all have to understand is that this is the way it's gonna be in Cleveland, probably forever. We can't just tell them to suck it up because we're tired of hearing about it. We can't have it both ways. We can't praise passion on one hand, then shoot it down when it gets on your nerves. They'll stop when they stop. YOU get over it.

With sports, like relationships, it's either all or nothing. And it's not like berating them for being mad is gonna make them stop. If you think that's gonna work, then you might be just as insane as they are.

Sarah Palin says "morbid obesity = freedom."

What the fuck, Sarah Palin? Who the hell bitches about fighting obesity?

It's an argument so pointless that fuck anyone who supports her on any level. Yes, I meant it just how I said it. Going the other way on an issue like that, whatever the reason, is like going against smiling. Or puppies. How can't you support children losing some weight? They're having strokes on their way to sixth period. I bet if the choices for Sarah Palin were, "support the First Lady" or "inject these fat kids with AIDS," she'd argue that AIDS would help them lose weight faster than MASSIVE GOVERNMENT OVERSIGHT. So fuck that ditzy broad.

All she's doing is avoiding talking about the actual topic, which is our national muffintop epidemic. And she's not even doing it right. If you want to complain about government intrusion in our lives, then take on a fight that makes sense, like how the TSA is trying to see us naked and touch our privates.

The First Lady isn't handing out a government mandate to ban anyone from deep frying chocolate chip meatloaf. And she's not spreading propaganda that claims that eating McDonald's is the same as swearing allegiance to Comrade Stalin. She's just making a suggestion to parents who might not know that starving their kids is probably a better food option than the Double-Down Sandwich.

Parents have to ward off negative influences that surround their kids at a higher rate than any other time in history. They have to compete with things like Lady Gaga and her meat panties, Harry Potter's Satanic Magic School (a very REAL concern!), Jersey Shore's detailed instructions on how to contract hepatitis, boys are trying to bang girls, hot teachers and Catholic priests are trying to bang boys; it's a real crazy world out there.

But when someone comes at parents with some information they can actually use, now this chick has a problem. Well, fuck you, Sarah Palin. Where was all of this concern when No Child Left Behind was failing on every level? Where was she when schools were (and still are) laying off teachers left and right? She probably didn't know about it, because her stupid ass can't read and "Waiting for Superman" hadn't come out yet.

Michelle Obama isn't out there trashing food companies or trying to sue them for killing Americans (although it wouldn't hurt if someone did). Encouraging people to stop eating before breathing becomes a difficult endeavor is in no way a negative thing, no matter how Fox News tries to paint it. If the problem is that it's someone associated with the government is saying our kids need to eat better, get over it. Two things: If it was the law to do what the First Lady said, then "Just Say No" would have worked, and second, if parents really knew what was best for their kids, we wouldn't have a generation of mini-sumo children.

Sure, some parents know what they're doing. But some of them should have been spayed or neutered well before puberty hit. Unfortunately, it's too late for that crucial surgery to take place, because now some of them have two or even six kids. If these people knew how to make positive choices for anyone, at least five of their kids wouldn't be here now. Clearly, they're lacking in that department. So the First Lady is trying to show some of them the light. She's not trying to convert anyone to another religion (although we know the secret Muslim is her is dying to do so), she's talking about fucking food.

Is it the government's job to make your kids eat better? No, but then again, only stupid people think that that's what they're doing. It also isn't the government's job to invade other countries so America "looks strong," but they do it. If your parenting is so suspect that it's threatened by a black woman who's only seen by most people through the TV, then you should probably put your kids up for adoption. Either way, she's only talking about putting down the fried ice cream sandwich burger and picking up the broccoli. Now, if you can't get on board with that, then really, what are you even here for?

Seriously, what positive has Sarah Palin brought to the world? Other than providing jokes for all of political satirists (because she is so spectacularly stupid), what positive ideas has she ever brought to the table? How has she tried to make life better for any Americans not named Sarah Palin?

By getting her untalented kid on Dancing With The Stars? Sure, Bristol got a check, but her presence made people talk about Dancing With The Stars even more than normal and that hurts America.

By adding to our catalog of terrible reality shows? All she did was expose how desperate The Learning Channel is after the Jon and Kate Plus Eight gravy train dried up.

Has she ever scribbled down an original thought that wasn't already spoken by the Republican leadership? Ever said anything that wasn't negative or hateful? Did she even write her own goddamn books? What does Sarah Palin do, other than piss me off?

Because if all she can do is sit on the sidelines and bitch about everyone else's efforts to try something different to change what's already going on, then she's no different than Newt Gingrich, Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, John Boehner, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, and all the rest of these crabby old men in the long line of people I'd like to piss on, as a show of my respect for them. And if you stand with her, you're even dumber than she is. And her level of dumbness is considerable.

In no uncertain terms, fuck that bitch. Thoroughly and completely.

Why You Should Go Vote

Everyone has an opinion about how the country should be run, except for those people who never have an opinion about anything. Those people are irritating, because if you can't tell me why you do or don't like something, then it suddenly becomes my right as someone who grew a pair to make you like whatever I tell you to like.

But if you do have an opinion, let's be realistic about how far you're going to take it. Everyone talks shit about going to Washington and kicking a politician in the nuts, but no one's actually going to do it. Not while "Dancing With the Stars" is on. Most Americans aren't even going to bother writing a letter, because why waste all that focus and concentration that can be used on "Farmville?" So since you're not going to risk drawing the attention of the FBI to be heard, why not go vote instead?

Voting is the most American thing you can do that will actually have an affect on anything. You're participating, while actually putting out minimal effort, which is what all Americans should want, being the laziest collection of people that isn't also a black or Mexican stereotype. The only thing in politics more American than that is complaining, and that the only way that helps anyone is if your goal is to be Glenn Beck.

We should all want to go vote, because no one is really asking you to really do anything, other than leaving the house for a couple of hours and standing up. That's it. No real effort. No following up on bold claims that were made or following through on promises. You don't even have to remember the names of the people you're voting for until it's your turn to vote, and if you decide that you want to remember before that point, there are usually sample ballots on the walls with their names on it. There isn't even any physical labor anymore, because they replaced the levers with touchscreens. Other than standing and walking, voting is tailor-made for lazy people to get involved in government.

Most importantly, you get something back in return: The right to complain without being an asshole. Voting is THE basic involvement in the political process, the smallest possible thing you can do to get involved. If you translated it to the real world, it's like being the itch that helps the balls get scratched. Minor and easily overlooked, but without it, the balls won't get scratched otherwise. And who doesn't like scratched balls?

So if you can't bother to do that, then no one in politics cares what you think. Not voting makes you a movie critic who got a chance to make his own movie, but passed on it because he didn't want to give up his opportunity to keep bitching at actual movie-makers.

And the argument that "Your vote is wasted because both parties are two sides of the same coin," is the argument that people make when they have no idea what's going on. First, they came up with that argument as a justification for being too lazy to even go push buttons on a touch-screen.

Second, anyone who bothers to make themselves even slightly familiar with politicians knows that they're not all the same. One side is clearly a group of elitist fascists, sworn to bring back the 1920s and the days of the robber baron, and their borderline terrorist splinter groups, the Libertarians and the Tea Party, all of which are trying to hasten to return of anarchy and/or Jesus. The other side is a group of unorganized activists who champion whatever cause was made popular by a cast member from "Ocean's Eleven." And if that doesn't get you on their side, there's always "race" and "poor people." I'd bring up the Green Party, but I want you to take my examples seriously.

It's a time-tested excuse, along with the one where they say, "Your day-to-day life won't change." Except for that 9.6% unemployment rate.

So really, if you're an actual adult, there's no reason why you shouldn't go vote. It's part of being a grown-up, like mattress shopping or giving up the enjoyable parts of your life. It won't kill you to actually go do it, because it's free and is only done once every two years. And like I said before, no actual work or effort involved. I'm just trying to appeal to you in a way that you can understand, because we all know that trying to appeal to your sense of civil responsibility has worked so well in the past. Just look at jury duty.

YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS...unfortunately most women won't see it that way. Being difficult, argumentative, unrelenting, and untactful aren't positive qualities. You make mistakes, but all hell breaks loose if I point them out. A mature woman knows that everything doesn't need to be her way and everything doesn't need to be said. These R&B chicks done got you fooled. Those are just songs, not a way to live your life. If you are proud to be a "handful," please don't ever darken my door...because you might get your feelings hurt.

Ladies, please...stop posting shit like that.

Never waste your time praying that God change someone's heart or mind or love you again. I know folks like to think that God can do anything, but if he could, wouldn't a power like that be better served ending murderous conflicts around the world instead of your love life? Just imagine, he's about to stop the standoff between North Korea and everyone, but he has to drop everything because you can't accept the fact that your significant other left you. I know lots of people say, "God is Good," but you don't know if God is good at multitasking.

And if he had the power to change hearts just like that, wouldn't you want him NOT to use it? A power like that surely counts as voodoo or witchcraft; tools of the Devil, and using them will condemn him to Hell. All because you can't get over the idea that you're going to be alone again.

Why do people who own pit bulls act like their dogs are the victims of a negative propaganda blitz at the hands of the Pomeranian/German Shepherd lobby? Let's just face facts: Studies show that no other breed has mauled more small children than pit bulls. Studies also show that no other breed makes grown men fill their boxers with logs than pit bulls, and that's not by accident. I don't care how sweet pit bull owners claim their dogs are, they are still VIOLENT AND SOULLESS KILLERS STRAIGHT FROM HELL.

If pit bulls are so unfairly portrayed, then why aren't there any other breeds who get painted this way. The only other dogs that I've ever heard of people being afraid of are dobermans, and that's because in the 80s (you know, before the rappers made everyone think they wanted pit bulls), those were the deranged, killer dogs of choice. Everyone was afraid of them because, well, they bit people. We sure had some kooky ideas back then, being afraid of dogs that we knew would bite us. What was wrong with people?

But you never hear about boxers or Jack Russell terriers ever having to be put down after acquiring a taste for human flesh. And that's because it never happens, since those dogs don't have a bloodlust. Or maybe they do and I've just never seen it. But the difference between those dogs and pit bulls is that the bloodlust isn't hovering so close to the surface. Pit bulls can go from zero to "killed everyone in the house" in seconds.

Pit bull owners claim that their dogs are the sweetest dogs in the world, they wouldn't hurt anyone, and that it's all about how your dogs is trained. To a degree, that's true, but you'll excuse me if I don't feel comfortable putting my life in your hands and your ability to break your dog's desire for independent thought. Most people can't even stop their dog from jumping on the couch or piddling on shoes, so you can see why I just don't believe you when you say that you've rid him of his natural urge to plunge his fangs into my jugular.

Seriously, I get that pit bulls can be sweet dogs. Doesn't mean everyone's gonna be comfortable around your dog, and that can be any dog. Everyone doesn't like dogs, especially ones that carry a history of being serial killers. So, pit bull owners, just cut everyone else some slack and understand that just because that cute puppy hasn't killed you yet doesn't mean that he won't ever do it. In the meantime, I'll be waiting safely outside, because as far as I know, pit bulls still can't open doors.

I used to think that there was some kind of conspiracy in the music industry, that there was a dark, underhanded plot to subjugate the masses with ignorant music. That our people only listened to that stuff because there were no other options and that, given the chance, they would choose the more intelligent and creative fare that the recording industry is trying to extinguish, because the inevitable revolution against the rich is being derailed...by bad music.

Now, I realize how ridiculous that sounds.

Truth is, there is no conspiracy. No one's forcing folks to buy Yung Dro CDs. They buy it because they like it. To believe anything else is giving the average person entirely too much credit. Let's face it, if shows like "The Real Housewives of Lithonia" can be a hit, then it shouldn't shock us that chicks who wear meat dresses are music stars. There isn't a conspiracy against Little Brother videos. BET just knows their audience. And their audience doesn't care that Hurricane Chris was a complete embarrassment to black people.

I can understand blaming corporations for selling substandard food because it's cheaper to produce than the healthy stuff and ignorant people won't know the difference. After all, we have to eat that stuff. I can see blaming corporations for their oil prices or non-working brakes. Cutting corners on safety measures when throwing up a building. I get that. It makes sense. They won't spend money to make better stuff if they don't have to.

But music is different, because it's not vitally important that we have it; not unless you're an overly dramatic person who actually says things like, "I would DIE without good music." Then, you're probably an asshole. It's based on your personal taste and what you've been exposed to. I know that growing up, most black people were exposed to a lot of the same types of music, and yet, many of us still don't want anything to do with Lil Wayne. If it were an exact science, more black people would be into Metallica.

So, from that perspective, blaming the RIAA or RadioOne or ClearChannel for the decline in music isn't really accurate, because they don't shape peoples' tastes. If you don't like something, no amount of shoving it down your throat is going to make you like it. It's why rape victims never fall in love with the rapist.

Sure, the current music is cheaper to make and easier to mass produce than, say...giant bands with horn sections or artists who are trying to make colors emit from sound. Yes, it benefits the corporations for things to be like they are, but they're really just chasin' them dollars by giving the people what they want. And evidently, what they want includes a repetitive hook, a guest appearance from Nicki Minaj, and lots of Autotune.

As high school boys everywhere can attest, getting into a 16 year old girl's pants when she isn't really ready is a Herculean effort that requires no less than lies and emotional manipulation, otherwise it just ain't going down. For a grown man to take advantage of that is disgusting. But for a grown woman to do the same, well...boys just don't roll like girls.

Look, teenage boys spend all of their teenage years trying to put their crotches on things, and the saddest part about that is, being human isn't always a requirement. The mind of a teenage boy is a messed up place, which is why there are true-life stories of boys putting their dicks in anything from toilet paper rolls to scalding hot pies (I HAVE NEVER DONE SUCH THINGS). So if a grown woman wants to have sex with them, not a stitch of manipulation is required, because he would basically be living out 90% of his masturbation fantasies, anyway.

Simply put, sleeping with teenage boys is not the same thing as sleeping with teenage girls. Not even close. It's wrong both ways, but in one of those situations, the so-called victim is actively seeking for the sex to happen. There won't be any emotional scarring or mental setbacks for any teenage boy, no matter what the outcome is. I mean, unless he happened to be sleeping with another man.

So ladies, just bear with us if we don't share your same level of outrage when some hot female teacher gets caught sleeping with a student. To us, that kid is just living the dream.

Apparently, I missed the memo that "gangs" and "social activist groups" are interchangeable, but that's what Chicago's gang leaders want me to believe.

If you listen to what they've been saying in their press conferences (yes, they held a press conference. My mind is blown by this), they're not delinquents who shoot each other over colors and city blocks they don't even own, but an actually an outreach group for wayward youth, who have nowhere else to turn. Clearly, I've been blind all these years. On top of that, the Chicago's police are the real villains, and the gangs are actually helpless and voiceless victims who have no way of fighting back. They are harassed by the police FOR NO REASON AT ALL...other than being exceptionally well-coordinated. They're like a dance troupe, without the dancing. Or the gay.

But in their press conference, they actually got out there and said that the Chicago Police "weren't playing fair." They actually formed those words with their brains and allowed them to come out of their mouths. You know, because murderers and drug dealers really should be treated fairly.

What the hell is wrong with these people? Look, I ain't gonna sit here and say that the Chicago police are saints. Sure, they have a history of abuse. Sure, they don't get along with the people in the community. I get that. But what's that gotta do with y'all getting out here and selling drugs and shooting each other? What's that gotta do with all the senseless violence? Police abuse has been going on in a lotta places for a lotta years, and I've never heard anyone say, "Being abused by the police made me want to sell crack."

Let's just be real here, Chicago gangs...you're not exactly credible here. No one gives a shit what happens to you, because you're in gangs. When was the last time you heard anyone say anything positive about gangs being in their neighborhood? "You know, ever since Big ol' 6 took over around here, my property values have gone up." You can say whatever you want about the cops, and it can be 100% accurate, with video evidence, and no one will care, because no matter what the police do, people will still be more afraid of gangs than they are of the police. And the fact that you can't see that proves why you're stupid enough to be in a gang in the first place. What, did the gangs think that someone other than other gang members would rally to their defense?

See, all folks want is for their kids to be able to walk around outside without having to be bulletproof, and to have a minimum of crackheads in the area. And that's a problem that the cops don't cause. Police brutality is what the police can control. But two things...one, it's not like gangs will promise to stop selling drugs if the cops stop beating their asses, and two, when it comes to gangs, most people probably wish the police would dish out more abuse.

Gangs, what you don't need to start doing is trying to pretend that you bring something positive to the community. You don't. You don't feed any homeless people or run any youth football leagues. You don't even have the smarts to keep your own neighborhoods decent, like the Mafia used to. To pretend anything different means that you're as dumb as a fence post and you think we're just as stupid as you are.

Any abuse you get from the police, you brought on yourselves by being gangs in the first place, and if you really wanted to stop that, all you'd have to do is stop killing kids and selling drugs. Neither of those things are needed to make Chicago a better place to live. Sure, there would be some residual ass-kickings in the interim, but that's to be expected, as no one believes that gang members ever change. Plus, I hear the police in Chicago are really corrupt. But if you really gave a damn about Chicago, you'd stop doing what you're doing instead of saying it's someone else's fault that you're a bunch of assholes.

Wait, what am I doing? Like some jackass gang member is really gonna read all these words and shit.

There are always those hopes and dreams that always SHOULD work in theory, perhaps in a vacuum or on "Star Trek," that could never actually happen in the real world. Perhaps finding a way to kill the material desires of man or everyone being able to say the "n-word." These things will never happen because people can't ever be too rich, even if it means bankrupting everyone else. You shoulda kept me from stealing all your money, assholes! That's just how the game is played!

But that's the kind of context that Libertarians view the world through. There's no real benefit to Rand Paul's (I will not call him "Dr. Paul," because having a doctorate doesn't mean I have to show it respect) claim that businesses should be able to deny service to black people because the Civil Rights Act of 1964 improperly infringes on the rights of private citizens. How does that make the world better? It doesn't even make private business better, because even though racists would be happy, that's less money that black people are spending on shit. And everyone knows that black folks can spend some money. If not for us, the lucrative "multi-colored weave" industry wouldn't exist today.

Sure, if we were sitting in Professor Rahman's PolySci class, you might be able to make that argument, but this is the real world, where people lost lives, health, and loved ones over the central issue of whether or not the world will survive if white people have to flip the script and serve black people. Fifty years later, we can see that it didn't cause God to unleash any plagues, although if the Klan reads this, that'll suddenly become the explanation for AIDS.

I hate filling up on gas. I hate going to get my oil changed. I hate even checking my oil. It's a fucking chore. As a lazy American, I would be most appreciative to be able to stop doing this. I want a car that I don't have to look at or think about until it's time for me to turn it on or file a police report about it's burglary. Currently, I'm just wasting time that I could be using to watch [Random D-List Celebrity Reality Show X]. But oh no, we have the profits of our corporate overlords to think about.

Oil, and everything else surrounding it is a pain in the ass. But everyone is convinced that the world will collapse into shambles if we stop using it, proving that advertising and lobbying are far more effective than facts and truth will ever be. It's why so many of us think that Kendra Wilkinson is actually famous for something.

The only benefit to buying oil that anyone can think of is that it's miles cheaper than anything else we can replace it with. And that's true, as far as I know. But at the same time, the use of oil not only harms the planet (and us, by proxy, until we can abandon this shithole for Mars), is a national security threat (see; all American involvement in the Middle East, ever), is also expensive (see; current gas prices), and is currently destroying the Gulf of Mexico (see; BP and Halliburton's latest plot to kill us all).

Plus, I'm just sick of buying it. I don't buy it because I want it, I buy it because I have to get to work and that's much easier to do when I don't have to push my car down Highway 78. I don't get a choice in the matter; it's either buy gas or start walking. And anyone who lives in Metro Atlanta knows that's not really an option.

Oil and gas are not market leaders because consumers demand it, they're market leaders because moonshine and whiskey will tear up your engine worse than when you eat at Krystal's. Trust me, if people could lube their engines with Vaseline, godless sodomites would have to find a new deviant hobby because that shit would sell the fuck out.

And yeah, it's cheaper, but since when was cheaper better? Cheaper is awesome when it comes to the DVD bin at Wal-Mart or sending our astronauts into space, but some of the more expensive alternatives to oil and gas simply don't have the side-effects that oil and gas do. Iran can't jack up the price of, say, hydrogen cells, because that shit will be made here in America, or at worst, China. And since they already own more than half of America anyway, it won't change our day-to-day lives at all. Except when they rename this place, "The Glorious Revolution of Amero-China." Coming in 2012.

Also, there won't be any bus fumes to inhale or potential oil leaks that lead to yet another political dramatization known as a "Congressional hearing" that's used in place of any actual problem solving.

Will it be expensive to change over to something else? Yes. But when have Americans ever been concerned about price? DVD players were upwards of $1000 dollars when they came out and they still flew off store shelves. We have a sneaker industry that releases yearly editions of shoes that start at $200 and they always sell out. Let's not pretend that our country is a model of frugality. We have rim rental shops in America. And they are profitable.

Besides, basic economics says that the more people buy stuff, the cheaper it gets. I got a D in economics and I know that. If the price point for the PS3 wasn't too high, then I'm sure we'll adjust when it comes to not using gas in our cars anymore.

Simply put, it's time to stop the bullshit. Other than various holy books, the internal combustion engine is about the only thing older than 50 years that we still use. We're just holding onto it because we're used to it; like your spouse that you're truly sick of looking at. Plus, it makes really cool growling sounds. It's hard to pass that up for something that will probably sound like an electric fan, but it's time. Time to let petroleum go. It's dirty and it doesn't taste very good. It's doing nothing but causing problems. Many of which end with an explosion.

Look, I'm no fan of illegal immigration, mostly because no matter how you spin it, it's still breaking the law. I'm a bigger fan of Mexico trying not to encourage its citizens to flood our borders and "take back" America. Really, if America wanted to line the border with landmines and replace the Rio Grande with an acid lava moat, it would be well within its rights at this point.

But that new law in Arizona, I think, is a bit much. I haven't read the bill or anything, because I don't need any sleep right now, but what I've been able to pick up so far is that cops can basically stop people for being Mexican in an effort to weed out the illegals. They don't need any real reasoning other than the fact that their pickup truck is painted like the Mexican flag and has "HERNANDEZ" plastered across the windshield.

It's pretty fucked up. But it's also ironic in that, the same people who support bills like this are probably the same people who complain about getting searched at airports or football games. I guess it's okay to just randomly stop people when they're not white, right?

I was riding home from work, when I passed a car with a bumper sticker that said, “Vote Freedom First." And at first glance, yeah, that sounds like some positive shit, until you realize that there aren’t any politicians running on the “Return of Hitler Subjugate America" platform.