How to dispose of your wild animals before you kill yourself

Look, if you're gonna own a bunch of wild animals, become suicidal, and decide to free all your animals before you kill yourself, presumably because you want them to taste some freedom, then you're a stupid asshole.

First of all, if you were so concerned about the freedom of animals, you wouldn't have held giant jungle cats locked up in your backyard. But let's say you didn't think that part up until later, so you think that freeing them at the end is a good idea. You don't live on the plains of the Serengeti. You live in fucking Ohio. There are cars and police and a SEVERE love of guns in this country. There's no way those animals were going to do anything but get killed. What did you think would happen, that they'd get away? Maybe sneak aboard a tramp steamer and have an adventure, where they learn the value of friendship with a ragtag crew of merchant marines, who take them back to Africa? I should speak low; DreamWorks might be hunting for a premise for Madagascar 5.

So for the next idiot who decides to set his savage killing machines loose in America for ANY reason, just keep in mind that if you're actual concerned about their safety, you'd leave them locked up so some nature preserve can come and get them instead of forcing police to shoot them in the streets. You cunt.

Finally Famous Vol. 3 Micro Review

I got about eight songs in on Big Sean's Finally Famous Vol. 3 mixtape before I had to stop. This is all I heard:

"I'm so clean, I'm so clean. BITCHES. I slept with your girlfriend. MONEY. I'm from Detroit, I'm from Detroit. DETROIT."

I have no hope for the future.

Booing is nothing. Meeka Claxton got off easy.

...and to think, if not for Twitter, I wouldn't have known anything about this. Damn you, Twitter.

Anyway, Meeka Claxton, from that show Basketball Wives, where self-entitled rich cunts act like cunts for the world's entertainment, got booed when she tried to step outside of the show's cunty confines and do something worthwhile. She recently appeared at a Clark-Atlanta charity event to show support for HBCUs and was essentially told "fuck you" by the crowd, forthwith and without hesitation.

I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for her or something, but I don't. And I shouldn't. Look at the show she's on. The few minutes of the show I have seen, it was just spoiled, rich women with no redeeming qualities fighting with each other. One evening while fixing cable at a customer's house, this show was on and the ease with which it set back black women in America made me angry. If all of these women turned up dead tomorrow, I would just assume that they had it coming.

Shows like this are why God has turned his back on America. That's why I went outside and cut the lady's cable off completely until I was done working.

But some people actually defend Claxton, claiming that it's just entertainment and that we shouldn't keep her in that box when she isn't on TV. She's an entrepreneur in her own right, worth $7 million dollars, and is the only "Basketball Wife" that is still married to the man allowed her to qualify, Speedy Claxton. And really, Speedy Claxton spent so much of his career injured that he barely counts as a basketball player.

Thing is, she's on a "reality" show, which is passed off by the television networks as "reality." While most of the situations are set up by producers, she's still the one passing off her image as "reality." These people are not actors. This is supposed to be who they are. So, should we really be surprised that people are treating her like this in the real world? People treat Casey Anthony like she's a psychopath and a murderer because they believe she is, based on what they learned about her on TV. What have they learned about Meeka Claxton?

Based on the two and a half minutes of research I did on her, she is the one that "everyone loves to hate" on Basketball Wives, according to Eurweb.com. They go on to state that "Meeka’s best known for her backstabbing, social jocking, and gossiping mouth. She also had a weave-pulling fight with fellow cast member Tami Roman in the Rome, Italy episode." So they basically learned that she is a terrible human being. She's lucky that all the crowd did was boo. In a world where people will throw their own feces at Tila Tequila, she should be thanking the crowd that all they did was try to let her know what trashy person she is.

Who am I to make such judgments on her personality when I've never met her? I don't have to meet her. She's on a reality show, giving the show's producers consent to present that image of her as reality. Based on that, there is nothing about her that demands respect of any kind.

It's not like she's a soap opera star, playing a character written for her. Only crazy people confuse that with being reality. On this show, she's being herself, right? So that means she acts like this whether the cameras are rolling or not. She can't be too concerned with how she's seen, or she wouldn't allow that to be all that the public sees of her. Or to be more direct, no one is looking to treat Snooki respectfully, either. Nor should you. If a person presents themselves as an asshole at every turn, why would you respect them? There's probably something wrong with you if you do.

Understand this, Meeka, no one cares who you are because you're worth $7 million, and are a self-made successful businesswoman. They know you for willingly and gleefully being a bitch on TV. Therefore, you should expect to be treated like a bitch in the street, just like policemen expect to be treated like policemen and Snookis expect to be treated like drunken whores. If that's not who you really are, then stop acting like that's who you really are. To people who watch the show, you are that person. Just be glad that they don't stone you. I'm sure it has correctly crossed their minds.

A Black Spider-Man Won't Be So Bad

Here lately, Marvel and DC have been making a few efforts to diversify their lineup of characters. Batman has been hooked up with a black guy named Bat-Wing. Mr. Terrific is getting his own book (that's likely to be cancelled within months, not because he's black, but because it's a book about a guy who's really, really smart). But the most controversial addition seems to be in Marvel's Ultimate Universe. Ultimate Spider-Man is now a Blaxican. Well, I guess he's Mexican. He's half-Black, half-Hispanic. I suppose I shouldn't assume.

From the few comments I read over at the IGN comment section, Miles Morales isn't going to be well-received. They don't like the forced diversity and feel that instead of just changing characters into black people, they should create original characters to reflect the diversity that Marvel and DC are trying to portray. One guy (I couldn't be bothered to go back and read his name; let's call him MrFantastic420) even said that changing Spider-Man into a black/Hispanic guy isn't true diversity at all.

And that shit is goddamn stupid.

Look, no one said anything about Spider-Man 2099 being a half-Puerto Rican Irishman named Miguel O'Hara, and it's the exact same thing. Furthermore, Nick Fury was turned into Samuel L. Jackson, and that was considered to be the most brilliant thing since we climbed out of the primordial ooze because we figured out that we didn't have gills. And that wasn't changing a guy's secret identity, that was changing the guy from Knight Rider into the guy from Pulp Fiction.

But that last point intrigues me: How is that not true diversity in comics? I mean, there's a black guy there where there didn't used to be a black guy. That's one more black guy than was there yesterday.

It's something that has been done before in comic books without controversy. Superman was replaced by four people once, and one of those guys was black. Ted Kord was replaced as Blue Beetle by a Hispanic teenager. Firestorm's two white guys were replaced by a black kid and his Asian girlfriend. It's nothing new. Tony Stark was replaced as Iron Man by James Rhodes. Hal Jordan was replaced as Green Lantern in the comics AND on the cartoon by John Stewart.

I guess it never bothered anyone that Rhodey was Iron Man or that John Stewart was GL, because we always knew that Stark and Hal would be back. But Ultimate Peter Parker is Ultimate Dead, which means, he isn't coming back. I suppose that's why it's a problem. Ultimate Spider-Man is an Ultimate Blaxican. Or Blackarican. Whatever.

But it's not Spider-Man. This is ULTIMATE Spider-Man. He's like, Earth-2 Spider-Man. And that's kind of the point of the character, and the universe, for that matter. They can try things that they couldn't do in the regular Marvel U without assholes claiming that someone just "spit in the eyes of continuity." That's why they have tidal waves wiping out whole superteams and Galactus existing as a swarm of bugs.

And while it's Ultimate Spidey and not regular Spidey, it's still a prominent position for a black man to be in. And Hispanic. Whatever. A black (Hispanic) man is now the top dog in a major comic universe. It's exactly like when Barack Obama become President, except that no one knows about it but comic nerds and the whole thing was made up. Okay, so maybe it's not like that at all. But it kinda is. A little.

It's makes sense to do something like this, because it's boring and predictable to make Spidey ANOTHER white guy. That's something that Captain America or Batman do (and DID. Even though it makes complete sense for a black man to be Batman. We merge into the shadows easier). Besides, creating whole lines of Black characters was also tried. How many years did Milestone last? Creating Black characters for the sake of doing it isn't a good idea, because that's how you get abortions like Rage and Night Thrasher. But in this case, it sounds like they have a story they're trying to tell, so I'm in.

It's so easy to write the whole thing off as "They're fucking fake, losers," but as a black comic nerd, I understand better than most what it's like to be force fed another minority hero. It's offensive and insulting. For a long time, I hated Luke Cage. HATED HIM. Luke Cage, Roadblock from GI Joe, The Junkyard Dog. All the time, I thought, "Why do you they all have to rhyme and dance? And what the fuck does 'jive' mean?" I was a very detailed thinker as an eight year old. But I wondered why black people couldn't just be heroes. Why do they have to be BLACK heroes? Where was my Superman? Where was my Hulk Hogan?

Here's hoping that for a younger generation of minority comic book readers, Ultimate Spider-Man (and Firestorm and Blue Beetle) can be just that.

And even at it's worst, it can't reached the depths of the time they turned the Punisher black. I'm still mad about that one.

Terrorists + Explosives + MIcrosurgery = Safe Americans

So terrorists are looking to surgically implant bombs inside of their bodies. At first, I was a little worried about this. I mean, we are living in the future now. Microsurgery is as common today as amateur porn is with college girls. It's everywhere. I mean, I had microsurgery three times today before the sun came up.

But then, four seconds passed and I realized that this plan isn't likely to get off the ground. I spent more time thinking up that "amateur porn" reference than I spent being worried. After all, these are the same people who have yet to master exploding shoe OR exploding underwear technology. Not only that, back in Afghanistan, one of the things they enjoy blowing up is hospitals. The secrets of microsurgery will probably keep stumping them until they can rightfully die filled with bullets.

As soon as I heard that they were trying to do this, I could almost envision the scene in front of me: A group of men huddled around a TV, watching a bootleg of The Dark Knight. They see the part where the guy shows up in jail with an exploding cell phone lodged in his stomach. One man gets up and starts screaming excitedly, then the mob burns down the building in celebration. Happens just like that all the time.

Trust me, terrorists: That. WILL NOT. Work. But feel free to try. I figure you'll blow up at least 75-100 of your own before you realize that this isn't working out as planned.

A Non-Douchey Reason Not to Watch The NFL Draft

Look, I'm not gonna knock anyone for watching the NFL Draft. There's no accounting for some people's tastes. I mean, let's be honest: "Real Housewives" became a franchise, and that was nothing more than selfish, middle-aged, plastic surgery victims drinking and yelling at each other. So, it's not like anyone in this country can really knock anyone else for their viewing choices. At least people who watch the NFL Draft have a legitimate reason for doing it. I don't watch it, but then again, I watch "TNA Impact" every week, and I know going in that no less than 60% of that show is complete crap. So it's not like my tastes are the standard by which all things should be judged.

But I'm begging you, if you love the NFL Draft, you'll stop watching it for a little while.

Think of this as a precautionary tale. I used to love the NBA All-Star Game, and so did a lot of other people. Then, corporate America noticed. Now, I have to watch ESPN pretend that Jon Barry in a Darth Vader mask is funny or some sideline reporter ask Jason Alexander what he thinks of the game. It is painful to watch, and they don't even have the good sense to put it on before the game, where I can cheerfully ignore it. Nope, it's right in the middle of the game, during the timeouts. Timeouts brought to you to Haier (the official refrigerator of the NBA).

The All-Star Game became a grand spectacle of commercialism, with product placements, celebrities in awkward comedy skits, and the goddamn musical acts. Now, I don't love the NBA All-Star Game as much anymore. It's become overblown and filled with horseshit.

There used to be a coolness about watching the best players get together and play a game. Now, it feels like the NBA is telling me, "Yes, this is cool, and you should watch." Instead of it just being a fun game, it's become "Must See TV," because the hype machine tells you that it is, and four months out, the promotion has already begun. And look, Beyonce! Because now, the game can't just speak for itself. The game needs to draw in all demographics, since basketball lovers just aren't enough.

The simplicity of a cool idea has been lost in all the glitz and glamour that's been artificially added (by Hyundai, the official midsize sedan of the NBA). Look, I just wanna watch a game. If I want to see Bruno Mars or Kanye West in their skinny jeans, pantomiming through their latest hit, then I know where to find them. There's MTV2, BET, VH-1, E!, radio stations, the VMAs; a ton of other places that make way more sense than a basketball game. Everything doesn't have to be an opportunity to sell me something.

And it's not just the All-Star Game. Look at the Super Bowl. Look at the BCS Championship. Look at Wrestlemania. Instead of just being about the game (or the matches), it always has to be a "larger-than-life, multimedia, grand-spectacular-extravaganza!" Brought to you by Texas Instruments, official calculator of the NBA.

The worlds don't always have to merge, but that's not how corporate America see it. There has to be synergy, and cross-demographic appeal, or some other words that I don't completely understand. I don't even know if the ones I threw out were right. And this is the future of the NFL Draft if it gets too popular.

They've already gotten ahold of the Super Bowl. Don't let them do the same to the NFL Draft. Because once they have Rebecca Black performing before the first pick (brought to you by Summer's Eve, the official douche of the NBA), it'll be too late. You're dealing with Corporate America here, and they don't learn. Remember, Ashlee Simpson was booed at the 2005 Orange Bowl, and they still trotted her out there for the 2007 Rose Bowl, where she got booed again. These are not smart people. They will RUIN your cool little private party.

So do yourself a favor, stop watching the NFL Draft. At least for a little while. Just read the Yahoo! Sports coverage or something. It's already setting ratings records, so time is short. Please. I'm trying to save you from THEM.

And it probably won't hurt for you to cut back on the Combine, too.

In Response to "The Chick-Fil-A Buycott." What a stupid name.

I’ve always wanted to do this. Well, ever since I read Drew Magary over at Kissing Suzy Kolber doing it.

Anyway, what follows is the text from the website www.afa.net, or the American Family Association. They’re organizing a “buycott” in support of Chick-Fil-A, because gay people are mad at Chick-Fil-A for not liking them. The text is unedited, with periodic breaks for my own commentary. It’s so much easier to respond to stupidity this way.

What is a BUYCOTT?

It is collectively showing appreciation for a company by purchasing their products or services – the opposite of a boycott.

Why BUYCOTT Chick-Fil-A?

You probably didn't hear about this on the evening news or read about it in the newspaper,

What? But the lamestream media should have been all over this! It involves those evil sodomites hating Christians for their love of God! That lovely Sarah Palin once said, “Gays masturbate all over the pages of the Bible.”

but after a Chick-fil-A restaurant in Pennsylvania donated some sandwiches and brownies to a marriage seminar hosted by the Pennsylvania Family Institute, pro-homosexual activists went ballistic. According to syndicated columnist Michelle Malkin:

Stop right there. There’s something to be said for considering the source, because if you’re starting off by quoting Michelle Malkin, you know you’re about to hear some lies. Its like holding up the word of Loki as the gospel.

Fact is, Chick-Fil-A has been financially supporting anti-gay politicians and Focus on the Family for a while now. Of course, it sounds much better to say the boycott happened because Chick-Fil-A was “donating sandwiches and brownies to a marriage seminar,” because it allows you to throw “because they hate marriage and God,” on the end of it.

• Several left-wing activist blogs launched an all-out attack on Chick-fil-A.

This is probably true. Because if someone was giving money to the Klan, I’d expect black people to boycott them. Gays are just like black people, in that they’re also people.

• Some started calling the company's main product "Jesus Chicken."

This is also probably true, and it’s pretty clever. You’d think they’d like this name, because if they actually had self-replicating chicken that allowed them to feed the masses, profits would skyrocket.

• They mocked and belittled the company's "Not Open on Sunday" policy.

To be fair, lots of people mock this policy, including people who like Chick-Fil-A’s food and fat people. At least a couple of those can be considered “Christian.”

• They smeared company employees, calling them "anti-gay."

This is most likely an exaggeration, but if anyone was going to be called “anti-gay,” it was probably the executives. I doubt anyone’s gonna run up in a Chick-Fil-A and call the 17-year-old behind the counter “anti-gay.” It’s not like they’re being asked to murder gay people. They’re just selling chicken.

• One individual – Michael Jones – started an online petition campaign "demanding" that Chick-fil-A renounce "extreme anti-gay groups."

And this is bad why? I mean, isn’t Focus on the Family considered “extremely anti-gay?” Oh, I get it: We all should support anti-gay groups, because that’s what Jesus would do.

• Users of Facebook organized witch hunts on college campuses.

Sure, they did. Facebook users organized mobs that hunted down innocent people and burned them at the stake. The police really shouldn’t have found out about it this way.

• In a feature article that ran in the New York Times' Sunday A-section, reporter Kim Severson attacked Chick-fil-A saying it is "anti-gay."

Well, all of the evidence points towards the Cathy family (the owners of Chick-Fil-A) being right-leaning, deeply religious, and supportive of conservative groups. So maybe they’re not “anti-gay.” Just “not in favor of their lifestyle,” which is totally different.

All that because one Chick-fil-A franchise donated a few sandwiches to a seminar aimed at helping couples strengthen their marriages.

If only that was all they did. Really, even gay people wish that straight couples would get their shit together, because they are RUINING the sanctity of marriage. Every little chick helps.

That reaction certainly seems like making a mountain out of a mole hill. You get the sense that there's more to this attack on Chick-fil-A than meets the eye. And you're right. There is.

Yeah, but it’s less about sandwiches and more about money towards anti-gay groups. Not that Michelle Malkin would tell you that. Her angry spittle washed all those pesky facts off of the page.

Chick-fil-A operates on Biblical principles and that irritates secularists

Because no pro-Christian propaganda would be complete without Christians playing the victim. Forget the fact that they actually are anti-gay. Gay people are not anti-Christian. They appear that way because they’re actually responding to the bullshit you brought to them. Otherwise, they’d just go on being gay and gay.

It’s stupid as shit to even suggest that Chick-Fil-A’s business practices are an actual reason, because no one cares about Chick-Fil-A being a Christian-run business. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t eat Chick-Fil-A because they read Bibles in their corporate boardrooms.” Perhaps they don’t because the sodium content is a touch high, however.

Secondly, I think it’s a safe bet that a huge percentage of the people that they paint as “secularists” are actually Christians. They’re just not sensitive assholes.

Thirdly, no one gets irritated by Christians for being Christians. It’s just when they start that whole, “The Bible says you shouldn’t do this,” crap that they become annoying. “Don’t put too much air in your tires, because Thessalonians 2:10 says this.” If you try hard enough, there’s a Bible verse against everything, and having someone throw that in your face all day is fucking annoying. Especially when the God you believe in isn’t nearly as anal. Besides, who wants to live in a world where they’re not allowed to enjoy anything? That’s what makes Christians annoying. And it only gets worse when they form those overbearing fundamentalist groups that don’t believe in the mantra “live and let live,” but instead, “legislate into submission.”

• For Example:
• Chick-fil-A plays Christian music in its restaurants ... exclusively.

Even Kirk Franklin? I never hear Kirk Franklin in Chick-Fil-A…and for that, I thank you.

• Chick-fil-A closes all its locations on Sunday ... no exceptions.

Again, only annoying to people who eat food.

• Chick-fil-A's stated corporate purpose is: 1) To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us; and 2) To have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.

Sounds good on the surface, and in fairness, Chick-Fil-A is the only fast food spot that has never pissed me off. But can’t you glorify God after I’m done ordering? I don’t wanna get religion all over my food.

Black progress today means that slavery was okay!

I shouldn't have to say this, but just because we have a Black President in 2010 doesn't mean it was okay to invade and rape Africa 500 years ago.

I don't know where racists get the idea that LeBron James being able to sign a big money deal in the NBA means that 500 years of slavery, abuse, exploitation, segregation, dogs, firehoses, Bull Durham, George Wallace, the Klan, exploding churches, and Rush Limbaugh were okay. That's like saying it should be okay for people to rape you in prison, because once your therapy is complete, you're gonna have a really good story to tell.

Where does this idea come from? The slavers weren't looking to do hook Black folks up when when they showed up in West Africa. They didn't say, "If you come with us, your kids will dominate sports and pop culture one day," and even if they did, I don't think that's a very good selling point. They didn't rape our Black women to help their descendants with their hair care issues. Slavery was fucked up. Post Civil War America was fucked up. The 1960s was a less fucked up, but still fucked up. And every time someone suggests this myth that we are somehow better off today because Kunta and Belle watched Kizzy get sold off for learning how to read, it reminds me that things are still fucked up.

I don't think people who think this way really understand what slavery means. We didn't choose to go and there's wasn't an opt-out clause in our contract that said we could go back home if we didn't like it. We were stolen away from our homes. We had a religion forced upon us. We weren't even considered to be people. We were beaten, we were starved, we were forced to work, we were raped, we had no rights, no education, nothing of our own, isolated in a land that wasn't our own. And once we finally got free, we were resented by the oppressor for having the nerve to want freedom and equality. It took 100 years from the point slavery ended just to get the Civil Rights Act passed. And even now, we're still dealing with the problem of race in America, and if we weren't, I wouldn't be bothering to write this.

We were fine in Africa. The Africa of today isn't the Africa that was there when white folks showed up. We weren't bothering anyone when the slavers showed up with their hypocrisy and their Christianity (one and the same, really), and decided that our way of life wasn't good enough. Oh, and we had diamond mines. Can't forget that.

So, they enslaved some of us and colonized the rest. Yeah, you were really doing us a favor. If they really wanted to do something nice for Black people, they would have stayed the hell out of Africa. There wouldn't have been any exploitation of people OR resources. There wouldn't have been any colonization, any turning tribes against each other, and maybe, just maybe, none of the things that set Africa on the path to all this behavior that makes the world think that we are nothing but mindless savages. Yeah, you really helped us out, slavers. Our biggest problems before were just getting eaten by lions and the occasional tribal war. That shit is no problem at all when you're faced with smallpox, slavery, genocide, J. Edgar Hoover, and the crack epidemic. Clearly, we had no perspective at all.

Thank God you guys came and gave it to us, though. Now, we know what true wickedness is. Our form of slavery wasn't even the same as yours. In Africa, slavery was more of a debt to be paid for a loss of battle or crime committed, and eventually, the enslaved could leave. Your form was the corporate version of slavery, where slaves were a resource to be exploited; a commodity to be traded. Boy, were we naive!

So stop with the bullshit. Just because Michael Jackson sold a bunch of records and Roland Martin gets to be on CNN doesn't mean that everything that happened in 1849 was totally worth it. It was still a goddamn atrocity. The ends never justify the means. If they do, that means that the Holocaust and Hitler should be celebrated, because it got the Jews a free country, money, and gave us Steven Spielberg. Much like slavery, the Holocaust was fucked up. That's why they call it "The Holocaust," and not "Weekend at Bernie's 3: The Relaxing Gas-Chamber Sauna."

If someone truly believes that we should be grateful to white people for our peoples' journey through Hell, just because eventually, it worked out pretty decently, then that person should be thrown into piranha-infested waters for being that ignorant. Sure, we've made the best of a shitty situation, but claiming that the progress of the last 50 years means that the slave trade was okay makes them an asshole. America would be a much greater place today without all of that Black blood on its hands.

Why I don't get Black Republicans

Michael Steele seems like a great guy, from what I can tell. He's engaging, he's likable, he's intelligent, and he has a sense of humor about himself. Overall, the guy seems to be a pretty fair and level-headed person. I could be wrong, because I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the man, but my take on him is that he seems to be fairly decent.

But he's a Republican, and that's where we split ways.

It doesn't have anything to do with politics, either. Believe it or not, sometimes, the Republicans are right. I know, I know, they really shit the bed with that "War in Iraq" thing, and being a friend of the rich at the expense of everyone else is a really stupid idea, but here and there, they have an idea worth listening to, like securing the Mexican border and while I don't think eliminating the estate tax will ever work, lowering it wouldn't be a bad idea. The problem is, every so often, one of them or someone who represents them says something that is just crazy racist.

It can't be defended or explained, but the Republicans will try like it's going to bring Ronald Reagan back. And that's when they trot out all of the black Republicans to tell us why massa didn't mean what you thought he said. And that's when I lose respect for them, because the Republicans are not interested in doing anything to help us out at all. I'm not talking about getting handouts from white people, because that's what they believe all black folks want. I'm talking about things like fixing the school system in lower-income areas or trying to lower the recidivism rate. You know, things that they've shown no interest in doing. Their solutions have always been school vouchers and "three strike" rules.

They can talk about being "the Party of Lincoln" all they want to, but everyone knows that they stopped being "the party of Lincoln" in the 60s, during the Civil Rights era. See, there's a reason why black folks stopped joining the Republican Party; they're bigots and racists. It's led by people like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly, and if those people aren't racist, then Ann Coulter actually possesses a soul, and we all know that's not the case.

I can respect a difference of opinion. We probably aren't going to see eye-to-eye on things like tax cuts, abortion, Homeland Security, or many other things, but when you're accepting of people who say things like "I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship,"(Bill O'Reilly) or [To an African American female caller]: “Take that bone out of your nose and call me back.," (Rush Limbaugh) well, it's pretty hard to say, "Now, that's a guy who's on my side." I know they're not going to work with me, because they don't even believe I'm an actual human being.

They are the voice of Republicans. They watch Fox News. They listen to Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann; Rand Paul and Louie Gohmert, instead of reasonable people. They don't condemn the crazy or racist shit they might say. They make excuses for them and blame the media for taking statements out of context. Now, maybe it's me, but I don't see how you can take something like, “Look, let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons,” out of context. Rush Limbaugh again, in cause you were wondering.

I don't believe that all Republicans are racist, but they sure do have a lot of racist buddies. Sean Hannity's ties to and apologies for white supremacy groups are well-documented; many supporters of Palin and Bachmann are unrepentant racists. And then, of course, there's Fox Nation, which is like accidentally wandering into stormfront.org. So, why would a black person want to hang around with people like this? Because you believe you have something in common with them? Because Abe Lincoln and Martin Luther King were once Republicans?

They don't like you, black people. And even the ones who do like you tirelessly defend the ones who don't. No one ever calls out these people. No one. And to think your presence will change this party from the inside is hopelessly naive. You're better off trying to prove that Taco Bell's meat has meat in it.

I'm not suggesting that you should become a Democrat, either. Hell, I'm not even a Democrat, because I don't want anyone thinking that I'm a pussy. But instead of trying to get in good with Republicans, why not form your own party? You can keep your conservative views and your dignity. You don't have to explain to anyone why you're okay with being second-class in your own party. You can earn the respect of your family and maybe, just maybe, get someone to take you seriously.

I'm just tired of seeing my black folks play the fool. The Republicans include you when they need you or when you further a goal for them. They think by having you parrot their talking points, that other black people will listen. And since people like Lil Wayne or the folks at BET aren't gonna change, I might as well try to appeal to people who appear to give things some thought. So let me conclude by saying this: By standing with them, you are the house negro who defends the slaveowner, even at the expense of himself. The above paragraphs have explained why.

The political right is absolutely right. There is no evidence that this Jared Loughner kid listened to right-wing radio, watched Fox News, or any of that dyed-in-the-wool Republican crap. They are so right on this point. However...

...to hear the crazy shit that comes out of these folks mouths, you don't have to go to those sources. It's so outlandish sometimes, that real media outlets are forced to report on it. So, he could have heard that shit anywhere. CNN, MSNBC, Comedy Central, TLC, magazines, newspapers, and literally millions of places on the internet. Let's not act like you have to actually watch Glenn Beck to hear how crazy he is.

The political right is also correct in saying that they are not the only ones who use violent imagery. Everyone goes a little bit over the line sometimes, no matter what the reason may be. However...

...the sheer number of instances that come out of the mouths of right-wingers, be the Tea Partiers, Libertarians, or just run-of-the-mill Republicans is just overwhelming. These people are forever talking about gun rights, rising up against imagined tyranny, the streets running with blood; the right just spend the last two years promoting revolution...or did I imagine the preacher IN ARIZONA who openly prayed that President Obama would be killed?

Yeah, they've got that quote of the President saying "if they bring a knife, you bring a gun," or something like that, but for every ONE quote from the left that uses gun imagery or suggests violent uprising against elected officials, I'm sure I could easily find you thirty. The left just isn't that quick to talk about killing people. Let's be honest; they're generally pussies. Even when George W. Bush STOLE a Presidential election and forced us into a war that no one wanted but him, the left didn't get violent. In fact, Cynthia McKinney got voted out of office for being too upset about it. President Obama won one fair and square and the man instantly faced more death threats than any President in history.

So it's not like people are making things up. The right likes to talk about guns. The right likes to buy guns. And a lot of people on the right are looking for a reason to use one.

That's not to say that no one on the left gets crazy. It's just that no one else is known for it like the right is. And the legitimate media can't even get blamed for this one. The right's own media outlets promote this stuff. It's what their viewers and listeners want to hear. They want to hear Glenn Beck link the Obama Administration to Nazi Germany and scare them into thinking that they'll need to defend themselves. They want to hear Rush Limbaugh say something crass and tasteless against someone who isn't a WASP. They want Sarah Palin to get out there and say, "don't retreat; reload." If they didn't do it, it would be like watching the first four shows of American Idol and walking away with respect for the participants. No, you watch because you want to see someone's dignity destroyed in front of your eyes.

So, instead of defending yourself and just take it on the chin. I never thought I'd say it, but follow the Olbermann example: Just apologize, even if you don't feel you did anything wrong. The gesture alone would say a lot and it isn't gonna hurt Rush Limbaugh's ratings to do that. Only children say, "Well, what about him?" Grown-ups who know that they were also wrong would just accept it, make a statement, and move on.

Then again, Rush Limbaugh has never been known for his maturity.

Be mad and stay mad, Cleveland. I understand.

No one has a problem with people being emotionally invested in sports. At least not when fans are buying jerseys or getting tattoos of the team logo or throwing down thousands a season to come watch a team that has no hope of making the playoffs. That kind of emotional investment is okay. But when it comes to being angry at a player for leaving town, suddenly, fans are expected to "get over it."

LeBron James came back to Cleveland last night and proceeded to bust the Cavs heads open. Now, in the minds of many sports commentators (and probably fans, too), it's time for Cleveland to pipe down and stop whining about losing LeBron. The anger should have been burned out now, because you screamed at him for three straight hours. But it's not always that simple. After all, Cleveland put their hearts into LeBron for seven straight years. By my calculations, Cleveland should be allowed to scream at him for the rest of his career and at least half of his retirement. Hell, "The Decision" just happened in July. We haven't even seen the worst of what Cleveland can do yet. Have you seen what they do to their own shit? THEIR LAKE LIGHTS ON FIRE.

Some people might think it's crazy to put that much into a person who will never even know your name, and it is. But that's how sports goes. We are so crazy about our teams that we'll tailgate in subzero temperatures. Being mad at LeBron is nothing compared to that. But that's an acceptable level of insanity. Truth is, the same level of insanity that it takes to throw yourself into a team that is only after your money is the same level of insanity that it takes to get upset with a person for leaving that team. You can't think one is okay and not the other. Yeah, it's crazy to cry because LeBron went to Miami, but it's also crazy to buy seat licenses.

I'm not knocking it, because that would make me a hypocrite. I spend money on tickets and merchandise, too. I refuse to miss watching or listening to the Falcons on Sundays, and fume like a madman if they lose to their rivals. I live or die on each basket that the Chicago Bulls make. I talk trash to people about how well "my team" is doing, like I have some kind of financial stake in my teams. Yeah, I'm just as crazy as the rest of us. But that's where people seem to think the line should be drawn. "Be happy when things are going well, but don't be upset when things go bad. After all, it's just a business."

But it isn't "just a business." Not to the fans. If it was, people wouldn't do the things that they do to follow these teams. People name their kids after sports-related trivia. People have lost friendships and estranged themselves from family over sports. People get arrested all the time because they were fighting over sports. I personally insulted everyone from the state of Louisiana last year. For God's sake, people treat fantasy football like it's a religion. It stopped being "just a business" for the fans a long time ago.

It's just that "the business" doesn't like to see the angry side of the fans. I don't understand why, because it's not like they can't sell it. Hell, anger in sports is the easiest thing to sell. Lakers/Celtics bordered on outright racism in the 1980s. People have hated Duke for no discernible reason for the last 30 years.

But when it gets to that point, suddenly, it's "too much." "The fans have taken this just a little bit too far." "Get over it, fans. It's just a game." Oh, NOW, it's just a game. When it was time to renew those season tickets, though, it's was "team spirit."

They encourage fans to "get involved" in the team. "Support your hometown heroes." They like for fans to get painted up and wear costumes, or wave towels, and all that stuff. It's good TV to see that guy with no shirt on in the dead of winter at a Patriots game. They like for fans to feel like they're part of the team. Even though that stuff is plenty stupid, too, it's all good, because everyone is happy.

Then, LeBron leaves town. And not just leave, but announces on ESPN in a primetime special that he's leaving, THEN shows up at a parade the next night in Miami. THEN acts like he can't understand why everyone's all mad. Basically, blowing off Cleveland in the douchiest way possible. Suddenly, Cleveland is just expected to understand.

Well, fuck all that. If Cleveland wants to be upset for the rest of LeBron's career (and they probably will), then they're entitled. They were told to hitch their fortunes to THAT GUY and promised BY HIM that he'd bring a title to Cleveland. And it wasn't like someone like Brad Daughtery or Gerald Wilkins said it. LeBron was someone who had the ability to actually back that up. He was "The Chosen One," because the tattoo on his back said so. He gave them hope that for once, Cleveland would be known for something other than failure in sports and the Drew Carey Show (undoubtedly filmed in California). They got emotionally invested and LeBron (and the Cavs, to be fair) made a ton of money off of that emotional investment. So when the emotions turn sour, you can't just expect people just to shake that shit off, just because it's an inconvenience to YOU. And you certainly can't deride them because they're upset.

Well, you could, but you would also be hypocrite. Especially if you're from a soccer playing nation.

Situations like this are often compared to a breakup and we don't always expect people to just shake off a break up. We put all this time and effort and yes, emotion into these relationships and when they don't work, it fucking hurts and leads to sleepless night and drinking and that dull ache in your chest and OH GOD WHY WON'T SHE COME BACK TO ME???!!!

Sports really isn't all that different, except for the fact that maybe two or three times a year, you get to see that person and tell them exactly how you feel. You can't do that in real life, because you'd get arrested. So really, what happened in Cleveland last night was kind of cathartic for them. Even though the team lost, the city got to tell LeBron exactly what they thought to his face (more or less).

What we all have to understand is that this is the way it's gonna be in Cleveland, probably forever. We can't just tell them to suck it up because we're tired of hearing about it. We can't have it both ways. We can't praise passion on one hand, then shoot it down when it gets on your nerves. They'll stop when they stop. YOU get over it.

With sports, like relationships, it's either all or nothing. And it's not like berating them for being mad is gonna make them stop. If you think that's gonna work, then you might be just as insane as they are.

Sarah Palin says "morbid obesity = freedom."

What the fuck, Sarah Palin? Who the hell bitches about fighting obesity?

It's an argument so pointless that fuck anyone who supports her on any level. Yes, I meant it just how I said it. Going the other way on an issue like that, whatever the reason, is like going against smiling. Or puppies. How can't you support children losing some weight? They're having strokes on their way to sixth period. I bet if the choices for Sarah Palin were, "support the First Lady" or "inject these fat kids with AIDS," she'd argue that AIDS would help them lose weight faster than MASSIVE GOVERNMENT OVERSIGHT. So fuck that ditzy broad.

All she's doing is avoiding talking about the actual topic, which is our national muffintop epidemic. And she's not even doing it right. If you want to complain about government intrusion in our lives, then take on a fight that makes sense, like how the TSA is trying to see us naked and touch our privates.

The First Lady isn't handing out a government mandate to ban anyone from deep frying chocolate chip meatloaf. And she's not spreading propaganda that claims that eating McDonald's is the same as swearing allegiance to Comrade Stalin. She's just making a suggestion to parents who might not know that starving their kids is probably a better food option than the Double-Down Sandwich.

Parents have to ward off negative influences that surround their kids at a higher rate than any other time in history. They have to compete with things like Lady Gaga and her meat panties, Harry Potter's Satanic Magic School (a very REAL concern!), Jersey Shore's detailed instructions on how to contract hepatitis, boys are trying to bang girls, hot teachers and Catholic priests are trying to bang boys; it's a real crazy world out there.

But when someone comes at parents with some information they can actually use, now this chick has a problem. Well, fuck you, Sarah Palin. Where was all of this concern when No Child Left Behind was failing on every level? Where was she when schools were (and still are) laying off teachers left and right? She probably didn't know about it, because her stupid ass can't read and "Waiting for Superman" hadn't come out yet.

Michelle Obama isn't out there trashing food companies or trying to sue them for killing Americans (although it wouldn't hurt if someone did). Encouraging people to stop eating before breathing becomes a difficult endeavor is in no way a negative thing, no matter how Fox News tries to paint it. If the problem is that it's someone associated with the government is saying our kids need to eat better, get over it. Two things: If it was the law to do what the First Lady said, then "Just Say No" would have worked, and second, if parents really knew what was best for their kids, we wouldn't have a generation of mini-sumo children.

Sure, some parents know what they're doing. But some of them should have been spayed or neutered well before puberty hit. Unfortunately, it's too late for that crucial surgery to take place, because now some of them have two or even six kids. If these people knew how to make positive choices for anyone, at least five of their kids wouldn't be here now. Clearly, they're lacking in that department. So the First Lady is trying to show some of them the light. She's not trying to convert anyone to another religion (although we know the secret Muslim is her is dying to do so), she's talking about fucking food.

Is it the government's job to make your kids eat better? No, but then again, only stupid people think that that's what they're doing. It also isn't the government's job to invade other countries so America "looks strong," but they do it. If your parenting is so suspect that it's threatened by a black woman who's only seen by most people through the TV, then you should probably put your kids up for adoption. Either way, she's only talking about putting down the fried ice cream sandwich burger and picking up the broccoli. Now, if you can't get on board with that, then really, what are you even here for?

Seriously, what positive has Sarah Palin brought to the world? Other than providing jokes for all of political satirists (because she is so spectacularly stupid), what positive ideas has she ever brought to the table? How has she tried to make life better for any Americans not named Sarah Palin?

By getting her untalented kid on Dancing With The Stars? Sure, Bristol got a check, but her presence made people talk about Dancing With The Stars even more than normal and that hurts America.

By adding to our catalog of terrible reality shows? All she did was expose how desperate The Learning Channel is after the Jon and Kate Plus Eight gravy train dried up.

Has she ever scribbled down an original thought that wasn't already spoken by the Republican leadership? Ever said anything that wasn't negative or hateful? Did she even write her own goddamn books? What does Sarah Palin do, other than piss me off?

Because if all she can do is sit on the sidelines and bitch about everyone else's efforts to try something different to change what's already going on, then she's no different than Newt Gingrich, Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, John Boehner, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, and all the rest of these crabby old men in the long line of people I'd like to piss on, as a show of my respect for them. And if you stand with her, you're even dumber than she is. And her level of dumbness is considerable.

In no uncertain terms, fuck that bitch. Thoroughly and completely.

Why You Should Go Vote

Everyone has an opinion about how the country should be run, except for those people who never have an opinion about anything. Those people are irritating, because if you can't tell me why you do or don't like something, then it suddenly becomes my right as someone who grew a pair to make you like whatever I tell you to like.

But if you do have an opinion, let's be realistic about how far you're going to take it. Everyone talks shit about going to Washington and kicking a politician in the nuts, but no one's actually going to do it. Not while "Dancing With the Stars" is on. Most Americans aren't even going to bother writing a letter, because why waste all that focus and concentration that can be used on "Farmville?" So since you're not going to risk drawing the attention of the FBI to be heard, why not go vote instead?

Voting is the most American thing you can do that will actually have an affect on anything. You're participating, while actually putting out minimal effort, which is what all Americans should want, being the laziest collection of people that isn't also a black or Mexican stereotype. The only thing in politics more American than that is complaining, and that the only way that helps anyone is if your goal is to be Glenn Beck.

We should all want to go vote, because no one is really asking you to really do anything, other than leaving the house for a couple of hours and standing up. That's it. No real effort. No following up on bold claims that were made or following through on promises. You don't even have to remember the names of the people you're voting for until it's your turn to vote, and if you decide that you want to remember before that point, there are usually sample ballots on the walls with their names on it. There isn't even any physical labor anymore, because they replaced the levers with touchscreens. Other than standing and walking, voting is tailor-made for lazy people to get involved in government.

Most importantly, you get something back in return: The right to complain without being an asshole. Voting is THE basic involvement in the political process, the smallest possible thing you can do to get involved. If you translated it to the real world, it's like being the itch that helps the balls get scratched. Minor and easily overlooked, but without it, the balls won't get scratched otherwise. And who doesn't like scratched balls?

So if you can't bother to do that, then no one in politics cares what you think. Not voting makes you a movie critic who got a chance to make his own movie, but passed on it because he didn't want to give up his opportunity to keep bitching at actual movie-makers.

And the argument that "Your vote is wasted because both parties are two sides of the same coin," is the argument that people make when they have no idea what's going on. First, they came up with that argument as a justification for being too lazy to even go push buttons on a touch-screen.

Second, anyone who bothers to make themselves even slightly familiar with politicians knows that they're not all the same. One side is clearly a group of elitist fascists, sworn to bring back the 1920s and the days of the robber baron, and their borderline terrorist splinter groups, the Libertarians and the Tea Party, all of which are trying to hasten to return of anarchy and/or Jesus. The other side is a group of unorganized activists who champion whatever cause was made popular by a cast member from "Ocean's Eleven." And if that doesn't get you on their side, there's always "race" and "poor people." I'd bring up the Green Party, but I want you to take my examples seriously.

It's a time-tested excuse, along with the one where they say, "Your day-to-day life won't change." Except for that 9.6% unemployment rate.

So really, if you're an actual adult, there's no reason why you shouldn't go vote. It's part of being a grown-up, like mattress shopping or giving up the enjoyable parts of your life. It won't kill you to actually go do it, because it's free and is only done once every two years. And like I said before, no actual work or effort involved. I'm just trying to appeal to you in a way that you can understand, because we all know that trying to appeal to your sense of civil responsibility has worked so well in the past. Just look at jury duty.

YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS...unfortunately most women won't see it that way. Being difficult, argumentative, unrelenting, and untactful aren't positive qualities. You make mistakes, but all hell breaks loose if I point them out. A mature woman knows that everything doesn't need to be her way and everything doesn't need to be said. These R&B chicks done got you fooled. Those are just songs, not a way to live your life. If you are proud to be a "handful," please don't ever darken my door...because you might get your feelings hurt.

Ladies, please...stop posting shit like that.

Never waste your time praying that God change someone's heart or mind or love you again. I know folks like to think that God can do anything, but if he could, wouldn't a power like that be better served ending murderous conflicts around the world instead of your love life? Just imagine, he's about to stop the standoff between North Korea and everyone, but he has to drop everything because you can't accept the fact that your significant other left you. I know lots of people say, "God is Good," but you don't know if God is good at multitasking.

And if he had the power to change hearts just like that, wouldn't you want him NOT to use it? A power like that surely counts as voodoo or witchcraft; tools of the Devil, and using them will condemn him to Hell. All because you can't get over the idea that you're going to be alone again.

Why do people who own pit bulls act like their dogs are the victims of a negative propaganda blitz at the hands of the Pomeranian/German Shepherd lobby? Let's just face facts: Studies show that no other breed has mauled more small children than pit bulls. Studies also show that no other breed makes grown men fill their boxers with logs than pit bulls, and that's not by accident. I don't care how sweet pit bull owners claim their dogs are, they are still VIOLENT AND SOULLESS KILLERS STRAIGHT FROM HELL.

If pit bulls are so unfairly portrayed, then why aren't there any other breeds who get painted this way. The only other dogs that I've ever heard of people being afraid of are dobermans, and that's because in the 80s (you know, before the rappers made everyone think they wanted pit bulls), those were the deranged, killer dogs of choice. Everyone was afraid of them because, well, they bit people. We sure had some kooky ideas back then, being afraid of dogs that we knew would bite us. What was wrong with people?

But you never hear about boxers or Jack Russell terriers ever having to be put down after acquiring a taste for human flesh. And that's because it never happens, since those dogs don't have a bloodlust. Or maybe they do and I've just never seen it. But the difference between those dogs and pit bulls is that the bloodlust isn't hovering so close to the surface. Pit bulls can go from zero to "killed everyone in the house" in seconds.

Pit bull owners claim that their dogs are the sweetest dogs in the world, they wouldn't hurt anyone, and that it's all about how your dogs is trained. To a degree, that's true, but you'll excuse me if I don't feel comfortable putting my life in your hands and your ability to break your dog's desire for independent thought. Most people can't even stop their dog from jumping on the couch or piddling on shoes, so you can see why I just don't believe you when you say that you've rid him of his natural urge to plunge his fangs into my jugular.

Seriously, I get that pit bulls can be sweet dogs. Doesn't mean everyone's gonna be comfortable around your dog, and that can be any dog. Everyone doesn't like dogs, especially ones that carry a history of being serial killers. So, pit bull owners, just cut everyone else some slack and understand that just because that cute puppy hasn't killed you yet doesn't mean that he won't ever do it. In the meantime, I'll be waiting safely outside, because as far as I know, pit bulls still can't open doors.

I used to think that there was some kind of conspiracy in the music industry, that there was a dark, underhanded plot to subjugate the masses with ignorant music. That our people only listened to that stuff because there were no other options and that, given the chance, they would choose the more intelligent and creative fare that the recording industry is trying to extinguish, because the inevitable revolution against the rich is being derailed...by bad music.

Now, I realize how ridiculous that sounds.

Truth is, there is no conspiracy. No one's forcing folks to buy Yung Dro CDs. They buy it because they like it. To believe anything else is giving the average person entirely too much credit. Let's face it, if shows like "The Real Housewives of Lithonia" can be a hit, then it shouldn't shock us that chicks who wear meat dresses are music stars. There isn't a conspiracy against Little Brother videos. BET just knows their audience. And their audience doesn't care that Hurricane Chris was a complete embarrassment to black people.

I can understand blaming corporations for selling substandard food because it's cheaper to produce than the healthy stuff and ignorant people won't know the difference. After all, we have to eat that stuff. I can see blaming corporations for their oil prices or non-working brakes. Cutting corners on safety measures when throwing up a building. I get that. It makes sense. They won't spend money to make better stuff if they don't have to.

But music is different, because it's not vitally important that we have it; not unless you're an overly dramatic person who actually says things like, "I would DIE without good music." Then, you're probably an asshole. It's based on your personal taste and what you've been exposed to. I know that growing up, most black people were exposed to a lot of the same types of music, and yet, many of us still don't want anything to do with Lil Wayne. If it were an exact science, more black people would be into Metallica.

So, from that perspective, blaming the RIAA or RadioOne or ClearChannel for the decline in music isn't really accurate, because they don't shape peoples' tastes. If you don't like something, no amount of shoving it down your throat is going to make you like it. It's why rape victims never fall in love with the rapist.

Sure, the current music is cheaper to make and easier to mass produce than, say...giant bands with horn sections or artists who are trying to make colors emit from sound. Yes, it benefits the corporations for things to be like they are, but they're really just chasin' them dollars by giving the people what they want. And evidently, what they want includes a repetitive hook, a guest appearance from Nicki Minaj, and lots of Autotune.

As high school boys everywhere can attest, getting into a 16 year old girl's pants when she isn't really ready is a Herculean effort that requires no less than lies and emotional manipulation, otherwise it just ain't going down. For a grown man to take advantage of that is disgusting. But for a grown woman to do the same, well...boys just don't roll like girls.

Look, teenage boys spend all of their teenage years trying to put their crotches on things, and the saddest part about that is, being human isn't always a requirement. The mind of a teenage boy is a messed up place, which is why there are true-life stories of boys putting their dicks in anything from toilet paper rolls to scalding hot pies (I HAVE NEVER DONE SUCH THINGS). So if a grown woman wants to have sex with them, not a stitch of manipulation is required, because he would basically be living out 90% of his masturbation fantasies, anyway.

Simply put, sleeping with teenage boys is not the same thing as sleeping with teenage girls. Not even close. It's wrong both ways, but in one of those situations, the so-called victim is actively seeking for the sex to happen. There won't be any emotional scarring or mental setbacks for any teenage boy, no matter what the outcome is. I mean, unless he happened to be sleeping with another man.

So ladies, just bear with us if we don't share your same level of outrage when some hot female teacher gets caught sleeping with a student. To us, that kid is just living the dream.

Apparently, I missed the memo that "gangs" and "social activist groups" are interchangeable, but that's what Chicago's gang leaders want me to believe.

If you listen to what they've been saying in their press conferences (yes, they held a press conference. My mind is blown by this), they're not delinquents who shoot each other over colors and city blocks they don't even own, but an actually an outreach group for wayward youth, who have nowhere else to turn. Clearly, I've been blind all these years. On top of that, the Chicago's police are the real villains, and the gangs are actually helpless and voiceless victims who have no way of fighting back. They are harassed by the police FOR NO REASON AT ALL...other than being exceptionally well-coordinated. They're like a dance troupe, without the dancing. Or the gay.

But in their press conference, they actually got out there and said that the Chicago Police "weren't playing fair." They actually formed those words with their brains and allowed them to come out of their mouths. You know, because murderers and drug dealers really should be treated fairly.

What the hell is wrong with these people? Look, I ain't gonna sit here and say that the Chicago police are saints. Sure, they have a history of abuse. Sure, they don't get along with the people in the community. I get that. But what's that gotta do with y'all getting out here and selling drugs and shooting each other? What's that gotta do with all the senseless violence? Police abuse has been going on in a lotta places for a lotta years, and I've never heard anyone say, "Being abused by the police made me want to sell crack."

Let's just be real here, Chicago gangs...you're not exactly credible here. No one gives a shit what happens to you, because you're in gangs. When was the last time you heard anyone say anything positive about gangs being in their neighborhood? "You know, ever since Big ol' 6 took over around here, my property values have gone up." You can say whatever you want about the cops, and it can be 100% accurate, with video evidence, and no one will care, because no matter what the police do, people will still be more afraid of gangs than they are of the police. And the fact that you can't see that proves why you're stupid enough to be in a gang in the first place. What, did the gangs think that someone other than other gang members would rally to their defense?

See, all folks want is for their kids to be able to walk around outside without having to be bulletproof, and to have a minimum of crackheads in the area. And that's a problem that the cops don't cause. Police brutality is what the police can control. But two things...one, it's not like gangs will promise to stop selling drugs if the cops stop beating their asses, and two, when it comes to gangs, most people probably wish the police would dish out more abuse.

Gangs, what you don't need to start doing is trying to pretend that you bring something positive to the community. You don't. You don't feed any homeless people or run any youth football leagues. You don't even have the smarts to keep your own neighborhoods decent, like the Mafia used to. To pretend anything different means that you're as dumb as a fence post and you think we're just as stupid as you are.

Any abuse you get from the police, you brought on yourselves by being gangs in the first place, and if you really wanted to stop that, all you'd have to do is stop killing kids and selling drugs. Neither of those things are needed to make Chicago a better place to live. Sure, there would be some residual ass-kickings in the interim, but that's to be expected, as no one believes that gang members ever change. Plus, I hear the police in Chicago are really corrupt. But if you really gave a damn about Chicago, you'd stop doing what you're doing instead of saying it's someone else's fault that you're a bunch of assholes.

Wait, what am I doing? Like some jackass gang member is really gonna read all these words and shit.

There are always those hopes and dreams that always SHOULD work in theory, perhaps in a vacuum or on "Star Trek," that could never actually happen in the real world. Perhaps finding a way to kill the material desires of man or everyone being able to say the "n-word." These things will never happen because people can't ever be too rich, even if it means bankrupting everyone else. You shoulda kept me from stealing all your money, assholes! That's just how the game is played!

But that's the kind of context that Libertarians view the world through. There's no real benefit to Rand Paul's (I will not call him "Dr. Paul," because having a doctorate doesn't mean I have to show it respect) claim that businesses should be able to deny service to black people because the Civil Rights Act of 1964 improperly infringes on the rights of private citizens. How does that make the world better? It doesn't even make private business better, because even though racists would be happy, that's less money that black people are spending on shit. And everyone knows that black folks can spend some money. If not for us, the lucrative "multi-colored weave" industry wouldn't exist today.

Sure, if we were sitting in Professor Rahman's PolySci class, you might be able to make that argument, but this is the real world, where people lost lives, health, and loved ones over the central issue of whether or not the world will survive if white people have to flip the script and serve black people. Fifty years later, we can see that it didn't cause God to unleash any plagues, although if the Klan reads this, that'll suddenly become the explanation for AIDS.