Conservative Equals Asshole

Is it written somewhere in the Conservative Pundit’s Handbook that you have to be a dick at all times?

Whether it’s Tucker Carlson, Ann Coulter, or the entire roster of Fox News, it seems that it’s embedded in the DNA of the Conservative to be as unlikable as possible at all times. But conservatives seem to like it, so that says more about their fan base than they probably intended to put out there.

Of course, they say that they’re just being tough on “liberals,” and that they can’t take the heat. What the hell does that even mean? “We’re just saying what the liberals don’t want you to hear!” Apparently, being in conservative media means falling back on the old high school stand-bys: beating up nerds, shoving kids into lockers, and generally being a douche to anyone who’s not in your circle of friends.

Along with the general douchery is the added benefit of being a xenophobe. To be in conservative media means that you must paint the picture of being under attack at all times and creating a general atmosphere of panic and fear around you. “If you don’t support the President, the terrorists win!” “All forms of media, except for Fox News, are controlled by liberals!” “I heard that Mexicans live off of the blood of babies.”

Of course, the first one only applies when there’s a Republican in the White House. I doubt they would have supported Clinton so strongly, had he been President during these times. They wouldn’t even support him when he was getting head from his interns.

As far as this so-called “liberal media” is concerned, I’ve rarely even actually seen it. I’ll admit that there are times when the New York Times has reported with a clear bias, and the same with the Washington Post. But that doesn’t mean that every media outlet not named “Fox News” or anything that doesn’t have the words “conservative,” “right-wing,” or “Hannity” in the title is “liberal.”

I’ve been watching CNN closely for the last few years, and I can say this: CNN is not “left-leaning,” or “liberal.” They’re just NOT “right-leaning.”

I used to think it was because I was a “liberal” that I never noticed any of this “liberal media” all around me. I figured that because I had been brainwashed by all their tree-hugging, hemp-smoking, godless, abortioning, gay-sex, animal saving, that I just couldn’t see the truth in front of me. Then, last night, while looking at a billboard with Sean Hannity’s face on it, I realized that wasn’t true. Mainly because I’m not stupid.

First thing I realized that I’m not a “liberal,” whatever that means. Second thing I realized was that these so-called “liberals” get on my nerves just as much as “conservatives” do. Because while I do think we should stop cutting down so many trees or consider our effect on the environment just a little bit more, I don’t think that I should be offended when someone kicks a puppy on TV or throw paint on people who wear fur. I don’t support opening the Mexican border and throw my hands up in support of amnesty. I didn’t know that the protection of refugees and the government support of people who are simply abandoning their country were the same thing. I don’t think that everything that references God should be edited for the delicate sensibilities of about 250 atheists. These “liberals” are fucking crazy.

And if there was truly a “liberal media,” all of this stuff would be plastered all over the news all the time. Other than the occasional newspaper story, I just don’t believe that there is a “liberal media.” But when I turn to channel 37, I can clearly see that there is a “conservative” one. Thy name is Fox News. And on this “Fox News,” just about every show contains an asshole with an agenda to trash anyone with an opposing view point. The one “liberal” I ever see on there is the weak-willed and nerdy Colmes who’s only on “Hannity & Colmes” to be beaten up on by the jockish loudmouth, Hannity. God, I hate Sean Hannity.

Does anyone ever say these things about Wolf Blitzer? Does anyone out there hate Anderson Cooper? Paula Zahn? That guy on the Situation Room? Anyone? One more thing I can say about these guys: They don’t interrupt or cut off people who present an opposing viewpoint.

Wow. Civilized discourse and the open exchange of ideas. What a novel idea. But you’ll never see it on Fox News because it goes against the company-wide mandate known as “dickishness.”