Soccer? No, seriously...soccer?

I don’t know if it’s because it’s summer and there’s nothing else on, but I’m actually starting to get into soccer.

I don’t know any of the players, teams, or even positions, but there’s something appealing about this stuff. I sat down and watched it during the World Cup last summer, and saw the passion that fans had for the game. There’s so much history here, so many blood rivalries, so many examples where the teams are culturally intertwined with the fans. You just don’t see that in American sports. The closest example we have is college football, maybe even some college basketball. In pro sports, the last bastion of hatred even coming close to this was the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, and that died the second Johnny Damon turned to the Dark Side.

And that’s just part of the appeal of soccer, the promise of a full-scale South Park riot breaking out in the stands. But there’s a slow build of excitement here that you don’t really see in the other sports. You would see it in hockey, but we Americans (and Canadians) are too easily distracted by slamming each other into the boards and whacking people across the throat with their hockey sticks. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! HEY-OOO!!!

But in this era where Arena football, and it’s “non-existent, not even by accident” defense, is becoming more popular by the second, and the NBA is training its players to play ball without ever knowing the joy of being shoulder blocked into the floor (it’s FANtastic!), it’s refreshing to see a sport where the outcome is hinges on actually stopping the man with the ball. Not only do the players have to stop him, they can kick him in the shin.

In that sense, it’s like football, where the players are very physical with each other, but it’s understood that it’s part of the game. Not like basketball, where players today get mad at their teammates for slapping them on the backside. People joke about soccer players flopping and whining and what not, but these are some tough men, because I know I couldn’t play a game where getting kicked dead in the face is a distinct possibility.

Besides the physicality of the sport, and the actual defense that’s being played, I find myself actually becoming enthralled by these low-scoring offenses. It’s like a chess-match in the sense that you’ll never see one player just come in and score goal after goal unless the chess player on the other side of the board doesn’t even know that the horsey-thing only goes in the L-shape.

In this game, it’s all about formations, angles, positioning, and trying to find a weakness in the defense. And just because you get all the way downfield doesn’t mean you’ll get a shot at the goal. Can you imagine if Lebron James kept getting into the paint but never got a shot off? For one, the Cavs would never, ever, win a game, but also, that means we’d have to settle for him taking those fadeaway threes.

But once that goal is scored…I don’t know what it is, but watching two goals being scored by a team that you’re pulling for is more exciting than watching Barry Bonds hit home runs, mainly because he’s doing the exact same thing every time, with no deviation. But goal scoring is still pretty exciting. I was watching the MLS All-Stars/Celtic FC match, until the Daily Show came on and I started writing this, but when the MLS All-Stars scored its two goals, I was cheering in here, even though I don’t know a single player on the team. All I know is that the MLS players play in America and Celtic FC is awfully close to “Boston Celtics.” Those Irish bastards are going DOWN!

It’s just something inherent in the game, I guess. I don’t know what it is, but to compare, I love basketball, but I can’t watch college basketball with schools that I’m not familiar with. I like football, but I find it harder to watch entire football games when one of the teams isn’t either Atlanta or Philadelphia. I would say something positive about baseball, but I would be lying. But, I can watch perfect strangers play a game that’s completely alien to me, and enjoy the crap out of myself. I couldn’t tell you what it is.

All I can really say about it is, soccer is gaining momentum here, with all it’s low scoring, diva acting, Beckham-mania. Anyone who likes a good competitive game of…something…should check out a soccer match sometime. It’s certainly better than watching the WNBA or the World Series of Poker, or Heaven forbid, competitive eating. I think it’s a safe bet to say that you’ll enjoy yourself watching an exciting match of soccer than watching some slob try to eat 40 hot dogs faster than the next slob. I gotta tell ya, something’s wrong with this country when one of the seven deadly sins has become an actual sport. It’s not quite as dumb as the “Rock, Paper, Scissors” championship, though. I wish to Allah that I was making that up.

Go MLS.