The War on PETA

Madeline Hatter, you done started something.

Madeline Hatter's a friend of mine who posted an article that she read about PETA that's got me all the way pissed off. I posted it in both of my blogs and someone else's blog. See, I used to think that PETA was just annoying. I mean, at heart, coming to the defense of animals is pretty admirable, and someone needed to do it. However, there is a line that PETA crossed long ago, pissed on, and are steadily moving light-years away from.

PETA has been in the news recently for picketing Michael Vick and anything that has to do with him. They picket the NFL offices and the Atlanta Falcons' training facilities for not suspending Vick without pay or cutting him outright. They called and bothered all the companies whose products Vick endorses. They came down to the courthouse for Vick's arraignment hearing and picketed. But Michael Vick hasn't been convicted of anything. When they started up, he hadn't even been indicted yet. Why are they hating?

Well, as it turns out, PETA is a bunch of hypocrites who kill animals on a far grander scale than any dog-fighting operation. In my last post, there's a link to a website, http://www.petakillsanimals.com/, that details pretty much everything you'd want to know about the REAL PETA. It talks about their links to organizations that the FBI has deemed "terrorist," it talks about how some of PETA's membership has advocated breaking the law to reach its goals, and it posts a statement from PETA's founder, Ingrid Newkirk, where she claims that even if animal research found a cure for AIDS, they still wouldn't support it.

Yeah, these are the lunatics we're dealing with here.

But, because the majority of us are actual, productive members of society (except me, because I've got the time to sit here and write this), we can't go out to everywhere that PETA is picketing and match them person for person, and dollar for dollar. Not without losing our jobs, anyway.

What we can do is this: At the PETA Kills Animals website, there is a link to sign an online petition to have PETA's tax exempt status revoked. I don't know if stuff like that actually works, and to be honest, I've never seen it work in the past. But it's something. Maybe the world will shock us and actually revoke their status. I don't know. But it's worth trying. Personally, I'm tired of people like this going out and throwing paint on people for wearing fur or burning down research labratories.

The link is at the bottom of this page.

Go to hell, PETA.

http://www.petakillsanimals.com/article_detail.cfm?article=154

PETA Kills Far More Animals Than Michael Vick

Upon reading this, my blood pressure shot up a few points. As if I needed another reason to hate the PETA people. They spend all their time pissing people off instead of going to work or championing a cause that someone capable of conscious thought would benefit from. If I know anyone personally who supports PETA or is a PETA member, you would do well to never let me find out about it, because we're going to argue and you're probably going to go home in tears. Probably right after I tell you that I drink the blood of puppies or that I like to tear the feathers off of endangered birds. Not that any of that's true, but really...I'd do anything to get under one of these assholes' skin.

Fuck you, PETA. And that's from the heart.

TM

PETA Kills Far More Animals than Michael Vick

(7/20/07)

Body Count For Animal “Rights” Group Reaches 14,479; Group Has Walk-In Freezer For Dead Puppies

WASHINGTON -- While People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the National Football League today over Michael Vick’s dog-fighting indictment, the animal “rights” group is ignoring its own sordid puppy-killing operation, the Center for Consumer Freedom said today. Public records released by the State of Virginia show that PETA itself has killed 14,479 dogs and cats since 1998, including 90 percent of the animals it took in for “adoption” in 2005. And PETA is presently more than 3 months overdue to report its 2007 numbers.

“It’s astonishing but true,” said Center for Consumer Freedom Director of Research David Martosko. “PETA itself kills helpless, adoptable animals by the thousands out of sheer inconvenience. Why anyone continues to take this bunch of hypocrites seriously is beyond me.”

Documents relating to PETA’s massive animal-killing program can be found on the Internet at www.PETAkillsAnimals.com. In sworn testimony during the January 2007 animal-cruelty trial of two PETA employees, a PETA manager acknowledged that the organization has a walk-in freezer for the purpose of storing dead pets. She also acknowledged that PETA contracts with a Norfolk-area crematory service to dispose of the dead bodies, which measure over a ton each month.

Martosko continued: “PETA's president acknowledges that her group could ‘become a no-kill shelter overnight.’ But that would mean the group could no longer afford to spend millions of dollars on cheap publicity stunts, to say nothing of harassing pet food companies, restaurants, and medical researchers.”

Another PETA employee faces grand larceny charges in southern Virginia, related to the alleged 2006 theft of a hunting dog and its radio-tracking collar. PETA has not yet indicated whether the dog in question was slated to be put to death.

Start D.J. Shockley Now

There are two positives that can come out of the Michael Vick case. One, no one anywhere in this country will be able to claim that they didn’t know that dogfighting was illegal. And two, D.J. Shockley might make it onto the field.

Thanks to Michael Vick shooting himself in the foot, then reloading and shooting all of the Falcons in their feet, he (along with the Matt Schaub trade) has cleared the way for the team to one day be able to announce that their starting quarterback is D.J. Shockley. If the reports are true that the Falcons will cut Vick, then Shockley is the next best hope that we have here. I refuse to put my hopes in the hands of “The Detroit Loser” Joey Harrington.

That nickname doesn’t work for you? How about Joey “Butterfingers” Harrington? “Snapperhead?”

Having seen Harrington play in regular season games and fail miserably, and having seen D.J. Shockley excel in preseason games, I’d say at this point that Shockley has more of a chance at getting this team where it wants to be than Harrington. Plus, he’s a local hero, having played at Georgia. I’m sure the Falcons fans would rather have Shockley in there, too. He’s a capable quarterback who can run like Michael Vick. He’s like a shorter Vince Young.

So instead of giving Harrington the chance to lead this team straight into the crapper, and possibly playing Shockley anyway, after the team has been eliminated from playoff contention, why not just start Shockley at the outset and give us something to cheer for? At the very least, the positive story of a local star leading his hometown Falcons might offset some of the negativity that the Vick story has brought on.

Personally, I hope that Vick beats his charges and is allowed to come back and play for the Falcons. When he’s on his game, he is the most exciting player I have ever seen, hands down. To compare the excitement that Vick could bring to a game, you have to go to other sports. He can be that good. But in the event that he can’t ever come back, why not start the next best thing?

The D.J. Shockley campaign starts here. Everyone else, get in line.

Genarlow's life is in the hands of the retarded

A lot of people who are smarter than I am have commented on Genarlow Wilson's situation. They've used a very sensible and logical argument to try to convince lawmakers and the public at large that Genarlow not only should have his sentence reduced, but be released outright. All that it's gotten Genarlow is the jailhouse equivalent of a cocktease. Now he's sitting in a blue-ball jail cell, still waiting for his "release."

There is a nice way to handle this situation, but the time for being nice about it has passed, since the powers that be don't want to use common sense. So for anyone who doesn't believe that this man shouldn't be in jail, let me break it down for you like this: You fucking moron, you have no logical reason for why Genarlow Wilson is in jail. I shouldn't have to remind you of that. The "jail" part, not the "fucking moron" part. You're probably reminded of the "fucking moron" part every time you get caught trying to breathe underwater or trying to parachute off your roof.

I don't like to resort to name-calling, but you leave me no choice. You people are stupid as hell. I'm sure you were 17 once, and you probably had your eye on some 15 year old girl once. I know I did. And I would have had sex with her, but in my case, it probably would have been a crime, because she didn't like me. If you ever have been, or will be in the future, a 17 year old (or 16) anything who had sex with a 15 year old anything (or even 13 or 14), and you think Genarlow Wilson should be in jail right now, I'm gonna need you to report to your local jail and knock out your 10 years, so you can stop being a hypocrite.

Can someone explain to me how a 17 year old and a 15 year old having sex is a crime? Please tell me, because we all know I'm not that smart. Apparently, the legal age of consent in Georgia is 16, so in the eyes of the law, Genarlow Wilson was a man. Except that he couldn't vote. Or join any branch of the military. Or rent an apartment. Or buy cigarettes. Or buy porn. Or really, do anything that required an actual adult's consent.

What kind of sense does that even make? Genarlow Wilson, at the age of 17, was considered a man, except in all of the ways that matter. But when it comes to boning a girl two years younger than he was, though, he's clearly an adult. That last part was sarcasm, because anyone who would make that statement in a serious fashion has probably spent too much time drinking in the sun, or is bleeding from the top of their head.

I don't care what the law says, because if I knew I was going to get sent to jail for having sex with my peer, who sat a couple of seats over from me in class, I would have never spent all that time trying to get into her pants. Seriously, how many adults do you know that are still in high school? And please don't paint this girl as some sort of delicate flower who needs to be protected from the cold, cruel world. That girl knows how to suck dick, and I don't need to tell the men out there how hard that is to find. Clearly, she wasn't new to this.

The level of stupidity required to even file charges against Genarlow Wilson is pretty high. He was charged with rape and aggravated child molestation. The jury that convicted him of aggravated child molestation must be just completely fucking insane, because she sucked HIS dick. But don't feel bad, police, judges, and jury, because you only went a long way to further racial tensions in this state.

So how do we make this right? Let the boy out. It's just that simple. If he committed any crime at all, it was going to high school in a state where government officials like to drink lead-based paint in their spare time. When you interpret the law, there has to be some common sense application. When a law is written, there is a certain element that is intended to be affected. Should someone be caught up in that law's wake, but really didn't do anything, they should be let go. When the law is changed, because you realized you fucked up, you should be bending over backwards to do right by people who were unjustly imprisoned by that law. You don't reduce his sentence, you don't make it a misdemeanor. You let him out, no strings attached. Last time I checked, two kids fooling around wasn't against the law.

TM

PETA and the NFL

PETA, be forewarned. You can picket the NFL offices. You can picket NFL games. You can picket the Falcons, Home Depot, whoever. You may or may not have any progress. Just don't step in the face of any football fans. You will get your wig split. Personally, I can't wait to hear about it. "Housewife gets a fat lip for spilling football fan's beer; Pet lover gets reamed by own picket sign for being a pain."

If PETA would put this much effort into something productive, the world might not be in the state its in right now. Imagine if that many people bothered the government over something like, education or homelessness. Not to say that animal protection isn't a worthy cause, just not more important than something that involves bettering the lives of humans, like reducing emissions.

I don't want to hate PETA, but when they're being bothersome like they are right now, it's hard to support them. Whenever they get up in arms about something, all I can do is just roll my eyes and say, "oh, God, what now?"

Yeah, their methods are effective, but look at who they go after. Corporations, who tend to not have any backbone whatsoever. They're just following the money, whether they are right or wrong on the issue. They don't want to be on the side of the issue that's likely to upset the person who will create the biggest stink, so they'll fold everytime.

When corporations pull out, then it's pretty much over after that. But you're staring down the NFL, the most popular sport in America. I can't see the NFL getting punked by PETA, because who the f*** is PETA? No one's going to pull out of doing business with the NFL, because no one's going to stop watching NFL games because PETA is picketing. It's football. The corporations know this, and most importantly, the NFL knows this. The football fan and the PETA person have two different mindsets, a lot of the time. I know that there's some overlap, but the NFL is going to do whatever it's going to do, regardless of whether or not a bunch of hippies are outside yelling at the building. Don't any of you have jobs? I guess not, because you're standing outside the NFL offices at 10 in the morning, yelling at a brick wall, knowing you'll be tasered if you come inside.

Why aren't you picketing Bush? At least that's a fool's errand that I can get behind.

Things that need to make a comeback

Actual rappers, the finger roll, Reagan-era Saturday morning cartoons, Kung-fu Theater, playoff fouls, pro sports rivalries, The Rock, imaginative breakfast cereals, movies like “the Karate Kid,” 80’s style action movies, musicians on the radio, the fashion of not wearing gold in your mouth, the end zone celebration, cartoons that shamelessly hawk toy lines, cars that are made of steel, getting a whooping, neighborhood fist fights, good parenting, inspirational black leaders, graphic adventure games, soundtrack singles that are about the movie, basketball shorts that stop above the knee, wrestlers who don’t make me feel ashamed to watch this crap, Emmanuelle, porn with storylines, Mafia control of Las Vegas, the smelly kid, stadiums without corporate branding, heavyweight boxing, hip-hop before it became “big business,” Marv Albert and the NBA on NBC, You Can’t Do That on Television, making up games, staying outside all day, but having to be home before the streetlights come on, wearing your pants on your waist, the muscle gut, Crystal Pepsi, Animaniacs, afterschool specials, Schoolhouse Rock, funny Super Bowl commercials, common sense, Dave Chappelle, male R & B groups, female R & B groups, rock bands that could kick your ass, basketball players who know how to shoot, the dominant center, the importance of an Olympic gold medal, 50 cent comic books, penny candy, gas that costs less than $1.50, Michael Jackson’s nose, Disney musicals, tag team wrestling, self-effacing rappers, The Boondocks, Guns ‘N Roses, Van Halen, pinball machines, hanging out at the arcade, wrestling managers, power ballads, that song from “Dirty Dancing,” the R-rated comedy, and primetime Charlie Brown specials.

Soccer? No, seriously...soccer?

I don’t know if it’s because it’s summer and there’s nothing else on, but I’m actually starting to get into soccer.

I don’t know any of the players, teams, or even positions, but there’s something appealing about this stuff. I sat down and watched it during the World Cup last summer, and saw the passion that fans had for the game. There’s so much history here, so many blood rivalries, so many examples where the teams are culturally intertwined with the fans. You just don’t see that in American sports. The closest example we have is college football, maybe even some college basketball. In pro sports, the last bastion of hatred even coming close to this was the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, and that died the second Johnny Damon turned to the Dark Side.

And that’s just part of the appeal of soccer, the promise of a full-scale South Park riot breaking out in the stands. But there’s a slow build of excitement here that you don’t really see in the other sports. You would see it in hockey, but we Americans (and Canadians) are too easily distracted by slamming each other into the boards and whacking people across the throat with their hockey sticks. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! HEY-OOO!!!

But in this era where Arena football, and it’s “non-existent, not even by accident” defense, is becoming more popular by the second, and the NBA is training its players to play ball without ever knowing the joy of being shoulder blocked into the floor (it’s FANtastic!), it’s refreshing to see a sport where the outcome is hinges on actually stopping the man with the ball. Not only do the players have to stop him, they can kick him in the shin.

In that sense, it’s like football, where the players are very physical with each other, but it’s understood that it’s part of the game. Not like basketball, where players today get mad at their teammates for slapping them on the backside. People joke about soccer players flopping and whining and what not, but these are some tough men, because I know I couldn’t play a game where getting kicked dead in the face is a distinct possibility.

Besides the physicality of the sport, and the actual defense that’s being played, I find myself actually becoming enthralled by these low-scoring offenses. It’s like a chess-match in the sense that you’ll never see one player just come in and score goal after goal unless the chess player on the other side of the board doesn’t even know that the horsey-thing only goes in the L-shape.

In this game, it’s all about formations, angles, positioning, and trying to find a weakness in the defense. And just because you get all the way downfield doesn’t mean you’ll get a shot at the goal. Can you imagine if Lebron James kept getting into the paint but never got a shot off? For one, the Cavs would never, ever, win a game, but also, that means we’d have to settle for him taking those fadeaway threes.

But once that goal is scored…I don’t know what it is, but watching two goals being scored by a team that you’re pulling for is more exciting than watching Barry Bonds hit home runs, mainly because he’s doing the exact same thing every time, with no deviation. But goal scoring is still pretty exciting. I was watching the MLS All-Stars/Celtic FC match, until the Daily Show came on and I started writing this, but when the MLS All-Stars scored its two goals, I was cheering in here, even though I don’t know a single player on the team. All I know is that the MLS players play in America and Celtic FC is awfully close to “Boston Celtics.” Those Irish bastards are going DOWN!

It’s just something inherent in the game, I guess. I don’t know what it is, but to compare, I love basketball, but I can’t watch college basketball with schools that I’m not familiar with. I like football, but I find it harder to watch entire football games when one of the teams isn’t either Atlanta or Philadelphia. I would say something positive about baseball, but I would be lying. But, I can watch perfect strangers play a game that’s completely alien to me, and enjoy the crap out of myself. I couldn’t tell you what it is.

All I can really say about it is, soccer is gaining momentum here, with all it’s low scoring, diva acting, Beckham-mania. Anyone who likes a good competitive game of…something…should check out a soccer match sometime. It’s certainly better than watching the WNBA or the World Series of Poker, or Heaven forbid, competitive eating. I think it’s a safe bet to say that you’ll enjoy yourself watching an exciting match of soccer than watching some slob try to eat 40 hot dogs faster than the next slob. I gotta tell ya, something’s wrong with this country when one of the seven deadly sins has become an actual sport. It’s not quite as dumb as the “Rock, Paper, Scissors” championship, though. I wish to Allah that I was making that up.

Go MLS.

Am I ready for the Vick Era to end?

Michael Vick’s days in the NFL could be numbered. I don’t know how I feel about it.

I know I’ve said my share of things against Michael Vick. He’s given me a lot of ammo to do it, both on and off the field. But I always held out hope that he’d get it all together. I’ve never written him off. I’ve never said that he should be cut or traded (unless it was a swap for Donovan McNabb, my favorite player. Can’t fault me for that). Now, it’s starting to seem like he’s never going to get the chance to live up to the potential, mainly because he can’t stop screwing his life up.

It frustrates me as a fan, because here is a guy who has the world in his hand. This man was the first pick in the 2001 NFL Draft. He signed a $110 million dollar contract with the Atlanta Falcons. He’s arguably the most exciting player to watch in the NFL. He’s got his own shoe from Nike. He plays the glamour position in the most popular sport in the country. He’s a starting NFL quarterback. A lot of people would stomp on their mother to live his life.

But that’s just not good enough, because this guy can’t stop being a knucklehead. And admittedly, flicking off the fans or that water bottle thing, they weren’t that bad. The Ron Mexico situation was more of a joke than anything else. Everything else that Michael Vick had done to this point really wasn’t that bad. Except for the girl he burned, he hadn’t really been out hurting people. He was just doing stupid things, things that would have blown over with time.

But this…the dog-fighting thing, it’s a serious charge. This is a felony and a federal case. And if there’s evidence against him, he’s likely going to jail. And now, all those “little things” that he had done just help paint the portrait of a man who doesn’t deserve the blessings he’s been given. His critics are louder than ever, and in the face of his indictment, it’s impossible to defend Vick. All his supporters have left is, “let’s wait until the facts come in.” His supporters sound like his lawyer during a press conference. “I am confident that when all the facts are revealed, Mr. Vick’s good name will be vindicated.”

And where does that leave me? I have been a harsh critic of Michael Vick, both on and off the field, mainly because it’s hard for me to tolerate knuckleheads. But, I want to support him and I did, even in the face of his little indiscretions. When I’d tear him down (which I did, often…he should have been benched at times last year), I never completely closed the door on him, because when he’s on, he’s been unstoppable. I’ve always believed that he could be better than what he’s shown us. I know it probably never came out in anything I wrote, but in personal discussions with people, I defended him when I could. I mean, it’s like the Republicans do with Bush. “Well…he’s our president.”

I guess what it all boils down to is, I don’t want to see him go down like this. Regardless of if he’s cut or traded (a distinct possibility), I just don’t want to see him in handcuffs, on his way to jail. It must be a black thing, because when white players get arrested, I never have a conflict of emotions. Speaking of black and white, I’m sure the white folks in Atlanta are ecstatic, because they’ve wanted to be rid of Vick for the last three years.

I liked Matt Schaub, too, but the fact is Michael Vick’s presence has brought more excitement to Atlanta than any other football player, ever. He is Atlanta’s first football megastar and his tenure in Atlanta is probably the only time that Atlanta has ever been viewed as having a consistently good team. There have been winning seasons in the past, and the Falcons even went to a Super Bowl before Vick. But the Falcons have never been able to shake the label of being a sorry team, even amongst football fans…until Michael Vick came to town. He’s the kind of player that gives Falcons fans a reason to hope for a championship.

And now, it could all be over.

Of course, I don’t wholeheartedly believe that Vick will wind up in jail. I’m sure a deal will be made where someone else will take the fall for him, and they’ll be paid handsomely when they get out of jail. No sense in taking the meal ticket down. What else did you have to do, deadbeat cousin of Michael Vick? It worked for Greg Anderson and Barry Bonds. I know in my heart that there’s $4 million that Bonds is holding for Anderson once he gets out of jail. What’s your price, cousin?

The Follow Up To My Transformers Review

I've never done this before. I've never felt the need to actually respond to comments I've received about something I've written. Maybe I went a little bit too far. Maybe I should...

Nope. I'm not taking none of it back. This movie sucked.

I don't know what cartoons in the 80's has to do with anything. We're not talking about the cartoon. We're talking about the movie. But since cartoons were brought up, every cartoon has episodes where the title character isn't the focus. I wasn't paying nine bucks to watch them, either.

And since black characters in cartoons were brought up, I was never big on them, either. Jazz in the show never embarrassed me. Roadblock did. And Jazz in the movie made me roll my eyes. I'm glad he died. But just because the cartoon did it makes it okay for the movie do it almost 25 years later?

I never brought up dialogue outside of one line delivered by Prime. But since it was brought up, just because the dialogue on the cartoon wasn't that good, doesn't excuse the movie from having corny dialogue in any way, shape, or form. No one spent $200 million on an episode of Transformers.

I never said I expected this movie to be like the cartoon. There isn't a person in this life or the next who has ever heard me say that or express this sentiment. I always knew it wasn't going to be like the cartoon. And I went into the theater with low expectations. It's just always sad when you even your lowered expectations are exceeded.

I never said anything about Transformer names not making sense. I just never liked that Bumblebee wasn't a Volkswagen, and allegedly, that one wasn't Michael Bay's fault. Score one for him.

Regarding the Autobots being completely useless: Man, it's a two-and-a-half hour movie. I don't have time for Prime to learn how to man-up and fight his sworn enemies. He's been at it for a million years. If he can't get it now, he's never gonna get it.

Regarding what Michael Bay wanted to show in this movie: I already saw Armageddon. I already know how he thinks the U.S. Government would react to a threat from outer space. He just threw some Independence Day in there for good measure.

Someone tell me this...was ANYTHING that was going on with the Army, Sector Seven, the hot chick (she was okay), the hacker, and the other computer people even necessary? No, for real...that was integral to the story?

I have to admit, there were a couple of moments in this movie that gave me goosebumps. I think all of them were during times when Prime was talking. There were a couple of moments here and there that were pretty exciting. But when they're spaced out by things like the guided tour around the SECRET FACILITY or some half-assed love story or finding out if Tyrese and Johnny Knoxville are going to get to where they're going, I was yelling at the screen "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!" Seriously...I don't care. Outside of Sam himself, there wasn't a single human being in this movie that they couldn't do without and I will argue with anyone on that point. Now, if you were able to look past that...fine. But for me, I paid nine bucks to see giant robots. I know I've said that a lot, but that's my problem with this movie. I didn't get what I paid to see.

There's nothing I said where I complained about changing the mythos of the cartoon or comic book. Say what you want...the movie got judged on its own merits. In fact, everyone else did all the nitpicking about the cartoon. I mentioned the cartoon one time, and that was when talking about Bumblebee. And even that is minor, because he could have been a Volkswagen with Mr. Fusion powered time-circuits, wings, and a horn that's powered by love and happiness, and the movie still wouldn't have been good.

I don't dislike things because they're not like the source material...except for Resident Evil, because they didn't even try. They could have called that movie Speed Hyper Death Kill Zombie Ultramix 4 and you would have never known the difference. But the thing is, just put a good movie out there. I thought Spider-Man was a good movie. The first time I saw X-Men, I thought it was good. Batman Begins was flat out awesome. I watch Smallville religiously. Teen Titans was one of the best comic related cartoons ever. And none of those things is completely true to the source material. But what they are is well written. They didn't make me want to leave the theater (or change the channel) when there wasn't something exploding on screen. Transformers can't say that.

Overall, it was like being on Jackass. Yeah, you get brief moments of fame and a little bit of money...but look at what you had to go through to get there. If you had completed the 7th grade like your mother said, you wouldn't have to swim in raw sewage to pay your rent.

Oh, and Shia LeBeouf was great. I can't wait to see him in something that's actually good.

10,000 Losses?

Baseball's Philadelphia Phillies have lost their 10,000th game. They lost 10-2 at home to the St. Louis Cardinals. While it is funny to see a franchise lose that many games, too much is being made of this. It's not like the current team has lost 10,000 games, although as bad as they've been over the last few years, they're certainly capable of doing it.

What's funny to me is that they kind of had a mini-rally when they reached 9,999 losses. Where was that rally when they were at 9,000? Or even 9,500? Like they were going to be able to stave off loss number 10,000 forever with an infinity-game winning streak.

But let's put this in perspective. Baseball currently plays an 162 game season, the longest season in pro sports. I do believe since the 1900s, they've always played over 100 games in a season, and this particular team has been in existence since 1883. The dust from the Civil War was still settling in 1883.

So let's take it easy on the Philadelphia Phillies. After all, it's just a matter of time before the Braves (next in line at 9,681) reach that milestone, and I truly don't want to try and defend 10,000 losses for the Braves.

The Other Side of Ron Artest is Still Crazy

Ron Artest is asking you to recognize his other side. You know, the one that isn't insane.

First, I didn't know he had a non-insane side. I always thought that he was just varying degrees of crazy. You know, Monday...half-nuts. Tuesday...three quarters gone. Wednesday...bat-shit crazy. And second, his other side isn't nearly as entertaining. Sure, it's heartwarming to hear about his humanitarian efforts in Kenya, but with the precedent he's set, I'm waiting to hear about him punching out David Stern in his office, ripping off his own pants and jumping out the window. I think it's a safe bet that this will one day happen.

And that's what Ron Artest doesn't seem to understand here. It's not like we don't want him to be a better person. As many jokes as I (and other hack writers) get out his unabashed insanity, I can honestly say that I would like to see Ron Artest stop being crazy. There's plenty of other athletes that I can make fun of, like Pacman Jones. And I don't need him to be insane to talk bad about him. His game provides enough holes for me to do that.

But if he wants us to recognize this "better person" that he's trying to push off on us, he's got to stop doing things like punching his wife (allegedly) or promoting his album while trying to appeal a 73-game suspension. You know, using common sense in life. Stop saying the first thing that comes to your mind (like "maybe the team will be better off if they traded me," or "please recognize the other side of Ron Artest"). Stop talking about how you're going to retire at season's end EVERY YEAR. If you truly are a "better person," you shouldn't have to tell us. All you have to do is not appear in the police blotter and stop saying dumb stuff.

You don't ever hear O.J. saying "Please recognize the other side of O.J. Simpson." You know why? Because no one listens to people that they still believe are murderers. He might as well be saying, "America, I've done more things than just allegedly kill my wife. Let's look at that other stuff instead." Think about that, Ron Artest. We know you've done more than just run into the stands and throw punches at people. We know you've got charities and things that you're involved in. But you don't wind up in the news for the other things, or heaven forbid, your actual job. It's always something negative. It's not that we don't want to recognize the other side. We're just more familiar with the one wearing a straight-jacket.

Welcome to America, David Beckham

David Beckham was introduced as a member of MLS’ LA Galaxy and the sports world (as well as the paparazzi) was in a flurry. Despite the fact that this is most publicity that Major League Soccer has received in its existence, there are those who have been complaining about the attention and the money that Mr. Beckham has been receiving. In the world where sportswriters actually get paid, this shouldn’t be that big of a shocker.

Apparently, it’s something of a problem that MLS is going to pay a 31 year old David Beckham to come over here and try to boost interest in soccer. According to the sportswriters, it’s akin to paying a 97 year old Michael Jordan eleventy trillion dollars to get out of his coffin and save basketball.

They say he’s past his prime in soccer years and that he’s not even the best soccer player out there. They complain that all this will become is a photo-op for all the tabloids featuring Beckham and his wife, Posh Spice, who are the international equivalent of Bennifer or Tony Parker and Eva Longoria and already, the circus surrounding Beckham’s arrival has nothing to do with soccer. These are the reason why these guys are sportswriters and not running sports franchises. This is why no one listens to you, ever.

MLS is in the sports and entertainment business, so the first rule is to get people to look at it, and that’s exactly what they’ve done. The attention surrounding David Beckham in the months since they’ve announced that he was coming has already boosted interest in their product. The time that the sportswriters spent complaining about the Beckham deal has actually worked in MLS’ favor, because good or bad, they’re talking about MLS. And in entertainment, we all know that any press is good press. Unless there’s child pornography involved.

I’ve watched MLS before (once). I’m not a soccer fan, but I know bad soccer when I see it. And whatever the Chicago Fire was doing on Wednesday night was horrible. No one is going to watch that on a regular basis and MLS knows that. So what would the sportswriters of America have them do? What would their grand solution be? You’re going to have to go after international stars at some point and you’re going to have to pay them large amounts of money. You’re going to have big press conferences. So what if David Beckham is 31 and he’s not the best? The attention that he’s brought them in the last week has raised their profile more than anything else that’s happened to them, ever. And they didn’t even have to resort to planting kiddie porn on one of their players.

The reaction from sportswriters proves how short sighted they are. David Beckham is only the first. They’ll bring over more players from other, better, countries and as a result, our players will get better. Will soccer ever become the top sport in this country? Most likely not, but that’s not the point, either. They’d be happy with reaching profitability and having their players not embarrass themselves on the international stage would be enough. And with players of David Beckham’s caliber making the trek over here, those things are closer to actually happening then they would have been by listening to the advice of the guys on “Around the Horn.”

Transformers: Ass Pain From Beyond the Stars

I just have to get this out there: Stop trying to ruin my childhood.

Hollywood clearly has a vendetta against me, because they keep trying to kill any positive memory I have of my life before the age of adulthood. They were some pretty good times, from what I remember, and for the most part, I was happy. Why, Hollywood? Why would you want to take that from me?

The latest death strike against my happiness was called “Transformers,” which must be Hollywood-ese for “attractive people doing stuff with flashy camera angles.” It was a movie that I wasn’t asking for and probably could have gone the rest of my life never wanting to see. I already saw the Transformers movie, back in 1986. It was called “Transformers: The Movie,” and it came out at a time when the word “Transformers” still meant “giant robots that punch each other.” I was tricked into seeing it by four so-called friends who swore to me that it was awesome. But it wasn’t, and I hate you all. Don’t let me see you in the street.

The movie, despite the extremely leading title, was really about a boy named Sam who was a budding huckster with no ties to his family, because for most of the movie, he was trying to sell off valuable family mementos so he could buy a car for himself. And one of those mementos was a pair of glasses that the hapless Autobots would need to find the thing that created their entire race. Meanwhile, the Decepticons were using their natural robotic gifts, like hacking into computers and killing things, to reach the same goal. I wouldn’t doubt it if the Decepticons had spent the last million years giving the Autobots swirlies and stuffing them into lockers, because if the Autobots couldn’t figure out that they were also highly advanced robots that could talk to our primitive computers, they deserve to lose.

But, because they had the humans on their side, led by Sam the Invincible, the Autobots triumphed in the end. Lucky for them that everything landed on Earth, so their weak-kneed leader, Optimus Prime, could lean on the broad shoulders of Sam Witwicky. Good thing they didn’t land on the Planet of the Apes or the place where the Klingons live, because Prime would have been in SO MUCH trouble. By God, Sam doesn’t live on the Planet of the Apes.

It really is just that bad. There isn’t a single thing that the Autobots can accomplish for the entire movie without Sam or some other human holding their hands through it all. Maybe all of them should have transformed into short buses, because there wasn’t a robot among them who wasn’t almost fatally retarded. I swear there was a part where they had to call poison control because Bumblebee couldn’t stop drinking Drain-O.

And that’s what I don’t like about this movie. It’s about the damn humans. I said a year and a half ago that if I wanted to see movie about humans doing stuff, I’d watch damn near anything else, because when a Transformers movie comes out, I want to see giant robots punching each other. This sort of approach works if the evil thing looking to destroy mankind isn’t interesting (like an asteroid), or can’ts speak for itself (like Aliens or Predators) but the Transformers written properly have more personality than the half-developed human characters that make up this movie. There’s the hot chick who can fix cars, there’s the black guy, there’s the socially awkward nerd, there’s the mean military guy. You’ve seen these characters in other movies, and they were probably also directed by Michael Bay.

But not only do they manage to make giant robots uninteresting, they make them generic and unable to be told apart. I’ve put together more exciting movies with the toys in my room. The best part is when Six-Shot stops humping Barbie, then scolds Batman for being a child molester. Little boys in speedos hanging around with reclusive billionaires can’t be a good thing.

There was a scene in the movie where the Decepticons start attacking the Autobots, and there was a pause in the action for almost a full minute because we had to watch the hot chick and Sam make eye contact and reach for each other. In the middle of a battlefield. With missles and giant robots flying overhead. Because when you’re surrounded by world-ending destruction, you might as well try and get some first. And when the shit’s going down and there are arms and heads and shit flying all over the place, who actually needs to see it, when you can see the blossoming romance between Sam and his stroke-material?

When they actually did give the robots screen-time, most of it was taken up by Bumblebee and a robot that transforms into a clock radio. Clock Radio (because they couldn’t be bothered to give him a name) was clearly inspired by some of the Star Wars droids, because not only was he one of the few robots who did ANYTHING without human assistance, he made all sorts of cute bleeps and bloops and bounced off of walls and stuff. He was kind of like an evil R2-D2.

Bumblebee was Sam’s car who loved Sam so much that he looked 20 years into Sam’s future and saw that he was never getting laid. Because Bumblebee couldn’t pleasure him without violating the laws of nature, he decided to try to get him some from the hot chick. Why was he named Bumblebee? Because there had to be a character named Bumblebee. And because making him a Volkswagen Beetle like he was in the cartoon would have made his name make too much sense, they made him a Mustang and hoped no one would notice. Then, they made his robot form look like a bumblebee. Problem solved.

And where is it written that all black people in movies have to be loud, full of jokes, and able to dance? I swear, even the black robot fit that description, and couldn’t make it through his introduction without cussing and break dancing. Luckily for us all, he was killed, filling in another requirement for black people in movies: the black guy always dies. Normally, this would upset me, but since he was the proof that cooning even takes place amongst the stars, I took it as a mercy killing.

Well, what about the CGI? Because after all, that’s what we came to see, right? It would have been good if they had allowed you to actually see it. There were times when they were standing around and talking and that looked okay. But when the fights started…because the robots themselves look so plain and indistinct, you just get a blur of metal pieces every time the robots fight each other. That’s right, the last 30 minutes of the movie looked like a spin cycle with metal shards in it.

Overall, this movie was just an extreme letdown. You’d think that a movie that was about giant, shape-changing, robots from another world that hate each other and fight would have been enough, but when your name is Michael Bay, you have to add flashy camera tricks, jokes, and a scene where The Autobots have to hide in Sam’s backyard so his parents don’t see them. Yeah, as ridiculous as it sounds to hear about 30 foot tall robots that shake the ground when they walk trying to hide in a residential area, imagine having to sit through it. Optimus Prime breaks something and says, “My bad.” Oh, the comedy gold!

As a result of the tinkering, my worst fears were realized: A shit movie where the title characters became background players was released to the world. And people have been led to believe it was a good movie, and as a result, I was led to believe that I should see it. A movie about cybernetic beings from beyond the stars who have been waging war on each other for millions of years, and yet when they get to Earth, they become so inept that they have to depend on a 17 year old nerd virgin and the cool kids from your high school to survive. Because if “Transformers” taught us nothing else, it’s that the world can only be saved by the attractive. Jesus Christ, this is what Michael Bay has spent $200 million dollars on.

Look, I really tried to like this movie. I gave it a chance. I really did. I knew it wasn’t going to be anything Oscar-worthy, or even Tony-award worthy, but maybe if Michael Bay put as much effort into making his movie as I did into liking it, we’d all be in a better place right now. Instead, with the combined effort that we both put forth, neither of us accomplished what we set out to do.

Bring on the Underdog movie, so I can go ahead and drink that cup of bleach and end my suffering.

Pacman and Rashard

Adam “Pacman” Jones was pulled over for having the wrong plates and insurance information on his orange Lamborghini in Nashville. I think Pacman Jones has truly lost it, because clearly he’s forgotten that he’s black. Let’s recap:

Pacman Jones is black.

Pacman Jones was driving an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI. In Nashville.

When you meet the first two qualifications, you should just go ahead and EXPECT that you’re going to get pulled over at some point. I can’t imagine that any cop in NASHVILLE is going to see an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI with a young black man behind the wheel (and when you’ve had as many run-ins with the cops as this particular black man, you’d expect them to know your face by now) and not decide to pull the car over. Is it right? No, it isn’t…but it should be expected, which is why the last part should never happen…

Pacman Jones was driving the car with the wrong plates and insurance information.

And that’s why he deserves to be called “stupid ass” to his face. Why couldn’t he pay someone to make sure he doesn’t do dumb shit like switch the plates from another car onto his ORANGE LAMBORGHINI IN NASHVILLE? Like they’re not going to run the plates of an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI IN NASHVILLE! It’s not like that’s a common car to see on the road anywhere in the world. It’s probably safe to assume that if the cops see one at all, they’re going to run the plates, even if you’re white. You know how rare it is to see one of those on the road?

See, Pacman…aside from the fact that you’re a grown man who lets people call him “Pacman,” just the fact that you keep getting caught up is just another reason why you’ll be sitting at home for the whole season. You’ll be lucky if they even let you come back. Hopefully, you’ll use this free time to better yourself, or smarten up a little. Because if you can’t figure out that strippers will actually try to keep the $80,000 that you’re showering them with, or that police are likely to stop an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI IN NASHVILLE, perhaps you don’t deserve the blessings that you’ve been showered with.

The Orlando Magic are going to start paying Rashard Lewis $126 million dollars. And that’s why the Orlando Magic aren’t going to compete for a championship anytime soon. They just made the dumbest big-money signing of the decade, even worse than the Celtics locking up the otherworldly talents of Brian Scalabrine.

They won’t teach Dwight Howard any post moves, and they’re actually paying Rashard Lewis $126 million dollars. This guy wasn’t the best player on the last team he was on, and he won’t be the best player on this one. He scored 50 points in a game against the Clippers three years ago and suddenly, everyone believes this guy is an elite player. Lemme tell you about Rashard Lewis. I’d rather have Corey Maggette, and Maggette wouldn’t have the audacity to ask for anything more than $10 million a year.

Hell, Tony Delk scored 50 points in an NBA game. Willie Burton scored 50 points in an NBA game. I don’t see anyone looking to give them $126 million dollars. Probably because no one knows who they are.

In the age that we live in, The Information Age, regardless of what the official record says, there will be thousands of witnesses who will report what they saw, oftentimes in direct contrast to the official record. Why do I bring this up? Because the NCAA has vacated all of Oklahoma’s wins and stats from the record books for the 2005 season. A couple of players working at a car dealership is what caused this to happen. They broke the rules and Oklahoma is punished. Justice is served. That’s all well and good. But doesn’t the NCAA understand the futility of vacating wins from the record books?

Even before the internet, I thought things like this were stupid, because if I was at a game that was “vacated” I don’t care what the records says, what I saw is what happened. While my opinion ultimately doesn’t matter, in this day and age, the internet has allowed that singular voice to band with others and become far more vocal (and more annoying). Too vocal to be ignored, which means that the wins that the NCAA doesn’t recognize will still be recorded and remembered. So what was the point?

Steve Francis has been paid $30 million dollars by the Portland Trailblazers to go away. I don’t know if one should be hurt by that or go celebrate. I mean, he just got $30 million dollars to go away…but on the flip side of that, someone was actually willing to pay him $30 million dollars not to show up. What does that say about you? How screwed up of a person are you when someone’s willing to give you enough money to buy a small country just to stay away from them? Most people just get a restraining order.

The First Black President

Should Barack Obama become president (either this time around, or in the future), I want the asses of anyone who calls him “the first nigga president” kicked. Hard. I’ve never met the man, but he seems like a good guy and someone above being called a “nigga.”

Yeah, he might do it behind closed doors and he might let his friends call him that, but publicly speaking, just don’t do it. Whoever the first black president winds up being would instantly be vaulted into the upper echelon of black leadership. He (or she) would join names like Martin and Malcolm, historically speaking. I just think that someone who would be so important to black people would be too good to be called the same thing that you’d call the wino outside the liquor store or the guy you just caught trying to steal your car.

I know it’s going to be funny to comedians to call him or her “the first nigga president,” because that joke really killed when Bill was in office. You can almost see the jokes writing themselves. Cedric told most of them on “Kings of Comedy.” And a lot of comedians are going to brush off their old Bill material and adjust it to apply to whoever the first is. And that’s all good. Just don’t call him “nigga.” He deserves better…

…unless he proves to be a complete embarrassment to the presidency in general and black folks in particular. Then and only then, will it be okay to call him a “nigga.” Let’s face it, if you get caught getting high behind the White House or start going to state functions drunk, that’s pretty much how the word should be used. There’s no defense for you at that point. I mean, if you’re acting like a nigga, I guess we might as well go ahead and call you one. The first time you show up at the White House in anything with chrome rims or try to replace the Secret Service with your entourage, the first words out of my mouth are going to be “this nigga here.”

So let’s make a deal right now, first black president. I promise to get as many people as I can not to call you a “nigga president (white folks not included),” and you promise not to try to turn “state functions” into “cookouts,” or get in any fights with foreign leaders for stepping on your shoes. Let’s both do our part not to embarrass our race. Starting with you.

Conservative Equals Asshole

Is it written somewhere in the Conservative Pundit’s Handbook that you have to be a dick at all times?

Whether it’s Tucker Carlson, Ann Coulter, or the entire roster of Fox News, it seems that it’s embedded in the DNA of the Conservative to be as unlikable as possible at all times. But conservatives seem to like it, so that says more about their fan base than they probably intended to put out there.

Of course, they say that they’re just being tough on “liberals,” and that they can’t take the heat. What the hell does that even mean? “We’re just saying what the liberals don’t want you to hear!” Apparently, being in conservative media means falling back on the old high school stand-bys: beating up nerds, shoving kids into lockers, and generally being a douche to anyone who’s not in your circle of friends.

Along with the general douchery is the added benefit of being a xenophobe. To be in conservative media means that you must paint the picture of being under attack at all times and creating a general atmosphere of panic and fear around you. “If you don’t support the President, the terrorists win!” “All forms of media, except for Fox News, are controlled by liberals!” “I heard that Mexicans live off of the blood of babies.”

Of course, the first one only applies when there’s a Republican in the White House. I doubt they would have supported Clinton so strongly, had he been President during these times. They wouldn’t even support him when he was getting head from his interns.

As far as this so-called “liberal media” is concerned, I’ve rarely even actually seen it. I’ll admit that there are times when the New York Times has reported with a clear bias, and the same with the Washington Post. But that doesn’t mean that every media outlet not named “Fox News” or anything that doesn’t have the words “conservative,” “right-wing,” or “Hannity” in the title is “liberal.”

I’ve been watching CNN closely for the last few years, and I can say this: CNN is not “left-leaning,” or “liberal.” They’re just NOT “right-leaning.”

I used to think it was because I was a “liberal” that I never noticed any of this “liberal media” all around me. I figured that because I had been brainwashed by all their tree-hugging, hemp-smoking, godless, abortioning, gay-sex, animal saving, that I just couldn’t see the truth in front of me. Then, last night, while looking at a billboard with Sean Hannity’s face on it, I realized that wasn’t true. Mainly because I’m not stupid.

First thing I realized that I’m not a “liberal,” whatever that means. Second thing I realized was that these so-called “liberals” get on my nerves just as much as “conservatives” do. Because while I do think we should stop cutting down so many trees or consider our effect on the environment just a little bit more, I don’t think that I should be offended when someone kicks a puppy on TV or throw paint on people who wear fur. I don’t support opening the Mexican border and throw my hands up in support of amnesty. I didn’t know that the protection of refugees and the government support of people who are simply abandoning their country were the same thing. I don’t think that everything that references God should be edited for the delicate sensibilities of about 250 atheists. These “liberals” are fucking crazy.

And if there was truly a “liberal media,” all of this stuff would be plastered all over the news all the time. Other than the occasional newspaper story, I just don’t believe that there is a “liberal media.” But when I turn to channel 37, I can clearly see that there is a “conservative” one. Thy name is Fox News. And on this “Fox News,” just about every show contains an asshole with an agenda to trash anyone with an opposing view point. The one “liberal” I ever see on there is the weak-willed and nerdy Colmes who’s only on “Hannity & Colmes” to be beaten up on by the jockish loudmouth, Hannity. God, I hate Sean Hannity.

Does anyone ever say these things about Wolf Blitzer? Does anyone out there hate Anderson Cooper? Paula Zahn? That guy on the Situation Room? Anyone? One more thing I can say about these guys: They don’t interrupt or cut off people who present an opposing viewpoint.

Wow. Civilized discourse and the open exchange of ideas. What a novel idea. But you’ll never see it on Fox News because it goes against the company-wide mandate known as “dickishness.”

An open letter to PETA

Dear fuckos,

The word is starting to come out that Michael Vick is unlikely to be indicted on dog-fighting charges. Should this event come to pass, I would just like to suggest that you apologize to this man for demanding that he be released from all of his endorsement deals (and his contract with the Falcons) without even waiting to see if he was going to be formally charged, let alone convicted of anything.

I’m tired of you, PETA. I’m tired of you going around bothering people over things that may or may not even be a big deal. This isn’t to say that Michael Vick couldn’t be guilty or that I even fully supported him during this time. But, I didn’t go door to door trying to get him booted out of places that have nothing to do with dog-fighting, or any sort of animal. The Falcons are the Falcons in name only. There aren’t really any birds on the team.

It just seems like you guys put the interests of animals in front of the interests of humans. I can understand wanting to protect those who can’t protect themselves, and I support that. I don’t think you should be allowed to kick puppies or put cats in the dryer, but I do believe that cow-tipping is funny. I don’t agree with hunting for sport, but I do believe that the idea of hunting being a humane practice is the most ludicrous thing I’ve heard of since PETA came out.

(Yes, hunters will tell you that hunting is humane, because it keeps the animals’ numbers manageable. Allegedly, it keeps them from being hit by cars or run over by tractors when developers come to town. And it’s better for you, because it keeps deer from wandering into your yard to eat your garbage. So next time you see a deer get hit by a car, just keep in mind that it would have been better for this creature that it was shot in the neck with a rifle instead.)

But there’s a line that should be drawn. And demanding that a man be fired from everything for dog-fighting has to be on the far side of that line. You need to rein it in some and be realistic about your goals. Because while animals have a right to life and deserve to be free from abuse, at the end of the day, they’re still animals and a few of them are going to end up on my plate. They call that the “food chain” and it’s a natural thing, whether PETA wants to believe it or not.

Thank you for your time, and please consider not being so damn annoying in the future.

TM

Cynicism and Scooter Libby

Scooter Libby's not going to jail? That caught me off guard about as much as the sun coming up or Britney Spears being caught outdoors without hair and/or panties.

How cynical have I become when I'm not the least bit fazed that our openly corrupt president has commuted the sentence of one of his friends? And not just any friend. It was the friend who ratted out the name of one our own spies. I know I'm not that smart, but I'm pretty sure that's a national security issue. And since I don't have any friends that can get me off from a charge that should have seen me on the business end of a firing squad, clearly I'm not sucking the right dick.

I guess it just shows how little faith I have in our system, when we have a president who tells us that we can expose spies without fear of jail time, or any real punishment (because when you're rich, what's a $250,000 fine?). But only if you're a friend of Bush or Cheney. And that's how I know he has money, because who ever heard of a Bush hobnobbing with the common folk? He doesn't understand the language of people with short money.

Hell, Cheney barely even acknowledges people in general. And whenever he does, he's probably telling us something about how he doesn't have to answer to the American people or "I'm not really a part of the Executive Branch." You know, the kind of stuff that makes a mockery of our government. How has someone not shot this man yet? Do I have to do everything?

I suppose I should take solace in the fact that the trial of Scooter Libby was even allowed to take place. And there's something to be said for the fact that not only was the trial completed, Libby was sentenced and they actually used to words "jail" and "Libby" in the same sentence without adding "not going." It was kind of like the ending to "The Usual Suspects," where they pretty much telegraph who Keyser Soze is, but at the last second, make you disbelieve that you know what you thought you already knew, before throwing what you knew right back at you. If that didn't make any sense, that's okay, because neither is the fact that Scooter Libby is still a free man.

And it doesn't end there, because there's still the off-chance that Libby could end up getting completely pardoned. And if that happens...I would like to believe that there would be some sort of outrage. But no one will care. Most people don't even know this has happened. Hell, if the riot I predicted for three-dollar gas never came true, I doubt that people will even notice that another Bush-boy got off. Karl Rove is pretty much bulletproof and he's far more slimy. Scooter Libby is just Dick Cheney's latest fall guy.

Kinda like how Greg Anderson took the fall for Barry Bonds. I'm sure there's a few million sitting in a bank somewhere for both of them.

Who Are You Voting For?

No, I'm not voting for Barack Obama.

No, I'm not voting for Rudolph Giuliani.

And I wouldn't vote for Hilary Clinton, even if you told me that Bill could legally be her running mate and showed me a way to off Hilary at the inauguration and get away without a trace. I might miss my shot and we'd be stuck with her as President.

I'm not voting for any of those guys who've already declared on the Democrat or Republican sides. This isn't a sudden decision. I've thought on this since before the 2004 election. I had intended to do it then, but I had a moment of weakness leading up to Election Day, where I bought into the partisan hackery that calls itself "The Mainstream Media." Next thing I knew, I was pressing the Kerry button over at the DMV on Memorial Drive.

And a wasted vote was cast. I won't be doing that again this time.

It's got nothing to do with politics. Well, not the politics of the individual candidates. I mean, when John McCain isn't saying something stupid, I like the guy. I don't hate Giuliani nearly as much as I thought I did. In fact, in another time, outside of New York, I might have voted for him. And as far as Barack Obama goes, I've got an unnatural man-crush on him. I haven't felt this way since The Rock delivered his first "roody poo candy ass."

But I can't vote for them because they're Democrats and Republicans. I don't roll like that no more. I'm tired of the two-party system and I can no longer support it anymore. It's time to open up the field and actually have a real presidential race, where the views of the actual average American can be represented. Because regardless of what Fox News might tell you, there are more sides to America than the Liberal Left and the Conservative Right.

Most Americans are actually somewhere in the middle, but because most of us have...I don't know...things to do, the only ones who have time to scream from their soapbox are extremists and rich people. I would say bloggers, but for the most part, no one is listening to bloggers.

So when it comes to extremists, they have sided with the Democrats on the left and Republicans on the right. Now, I know most of us aren't extremists and almost none of us are rich. But the power lies with those two parties. Well, where is a logical-thinking person supposed to turn when it comes to politics?

The only choices are, keep laying our hopes and suggestions at the feet of Big Politics, or start supporting someone else. And that's what I'm doing. In the last round of elections, I voted for everyone who didn't have a "D" or an "R" next to their name. Did I know these guys? Not all of them, but who really knows everyone running at the local level? I was following the Libertarians who were running for a few of the higher offices, but outside of that, I was just pressing buttons.

Someone might have some bad things to say about that, but in previous years, I did the same thing, just for Democrats or people who hadn't publicly embarrassed themselves. Speaking of Democrats, they wound up taking back the majority in Congress. Good job for them. We all know that they didn't so much win the Congressional elections as they did have the foresight to not call themselves "Republicans."

Going back to the Libertarians, I had done a little reading on them and from what I can tell, these are the people we should be supporting. These are the people who aren't on the fringes of the left (PETA, The City of San Francisco) or the right (Halliburton, Corporate America, The Dark Lord Satan). These are the people that represent the views of the average American. There is no party line. They seem to be a variety of people with a variety of views. Just like all of us. I don't think there is any one politician who embodies all of the views of any one person.

Except maybe Jesse Ventura, but he's not running.

But why don't we hear much from these people? Well, there's the problem. They don't have the money. They can't afford to throw their opponents under the bus in their ads. They have to spend the money they do have on things like getting their political message out there. And as we all know, that's no way to win an election.

Well, how do they get more money? I'm glad I asked. If a third party gets 5% of the Presidential vote, they get electoral funding for the next election. That's it. So because I'm so tired of voting for the flip side of the same coin, I'm gonna vote Libertarian instead. While I know that a Libertarian candidate has slightly less of a chance to win the election than Adam "Pacman" Jones has to stay out of handcuffs for the next calendar year, my one vote gets them just a little bit closer to that magical 5%. Let's face it, my vote doesn't affect the electoral votes at all in Georgia and unless the next President has a brilliant idea to completely crash the stock market and start a war with the rest of the Middle East, my quality of life isn't going to change that much, regardless of who gets elected. I might as well vote in a way that I truly believe my vote will matter.

Vote Third-Party. Maybe Libertarian, maybe Green. Maybe Constitutional. Just not Democrat and not Republican.

TM

What Have You Done With The Real Isiah?

Smart trades, good draft picks, even some semi-tolerable coaching. Isiah Thomas, it's like I don't know you anymore.

For the last three years, there have been two men in sports who were the easiest joke for a sportswriter to make: Matt Millen, General Manager of the Detroit Lions, and Isiah Thomas, General Manager of the New York Knicks. And after years of providing ammo for hacks like myself to craft diatribes around, Isiah's not taking it anymore. Matt Millen, on the other hand, seems to enjoy the abuse that he gets.

I really don't know what's gotten into Isiah. I still don't think he's that good of a coach, but since he's become the Knicks' coach, it's like his front office skills are taking a big boost. It's almost as if, through actually having to coach the team he assembled, how crappy they were.

And since he realized that there was no conceivable way that Jalen Rose, Steve Francis, and Stephon Marbury were going to be able to play in the same backcourt (not without the NBA changing the rules to allow more than one ball on the floor), he's almost like a brand new person. All of a sudden, he's not a complete embarrassment to anyone whose last name is "Thomas."

Let's look at his accomplishments since he ran Larry Brown out of town: Through a rash of early-season injuries, he learned how to rotate players, he drafted Renaldo Balkman, he got rid of Steve Francis, and got back Zach Randolph in return, somehow got Stephon Marbury to defer to Eddy Curry, and saved his own job in the process. That sounds like a basic list of things for any good coach, but for Isiah, it was as if he'd finally learned how to walk and chew gum at the same time. You know, he mastered the little things that we all take for granted, like not wetting ourselves.

And with the exception for his team quitting on him before ink touched paper on his contract extension, I really haven't had too much bad to say about him lately. I'm not really used to this, and quite frankly, I miss Isiah. I miss seeing him lurking in the shadows at MSG, hoping not to be hit by batteries thrown from the upper deck. I miss his excuses for why he made the most boneheaded of moves, because really...no one would have followed up trading for Steve Francis by trading for Jalen Rose. He just had a way about these things that made me look at his press conferences and wonder, "I wonder how much dishwasher detergent I could get him to eat."

And now, it's all over. Or it seems to be that way, anyway. I mean, the jury's still out on this Zach Randolph deal (mainly because he already has Eddy Curry on his roster...once again, he's got two of the same player) and there's still time in this offseason for him to make some more moves. He's already stated that he's going to make another trade and the word is, he's eyeing the Lunatic of the Lower Deck, Ron Artest.

Because I'm not that talented a writer, I'm begging and praying that Isiah not only makes this happen, but Ron Artest has his final meltdown right there in Madison Square Garden. I need something to talk about and Ron Artest, Zach Randolph, and New York City coming together is something of a perfect storm. Can you imagine the devastation? I can, and as always, it involves a car driving into the scorer's table.

Make it happen, Isiah. I need you to revert back into the hapless fool that we all know you can be.