Your phone book thinks you're stupid

The cover of my phone book actually says, "Please do not use while operating a motor vehicle." I decided to heed the advice, not because of my glaring lack of X-Ray vision or because I depend on my phone book to keep me out of life-threatening situations, but instead because my brain is so full of knowledge that I know not to casually leaf through the phone book while I'm driving.

When did we become a world of idiots? If I actually need a warning to let me know that I shouldn't sprinkle rat poison on my pancakes because it's 1000% more fatal that powdered sugar, or that the air around me will eventually run out if I wear a plastic bag on my head, I'm in worse trouble than warnings on innocuous, everyday objects will be able to save me from.

I'm assuming that this is being done because corporations are allergic to being sued, like most people, but this is a pretty overkill reaction. Sure, that women who claimed not to know that scalding hot coffee burns got over, and so did the family of the robber who was killed by a booby trap set by the guy who was repeatedly robbed, but I don't think anyone, anywhere would say, "You're right. It's the phone company fault that you drove your car into a shopping mall. They shouldn't have made that phone book of theirs such a page-turner that you couldn't help but continue to read it, even when you supposed to be operating a 2,000 pound vehicle moving at a high rate of speed."

Do you know anyone who would seriously try to sue someone over this? Do you know a lawyer who would tell this person that they would take their case on any other day besides April 1st? If you do, I need to you do me a favor: Put them behind the wheel of a larger, even faster vehicle, like a light-rail train or a space shuttle, turn it on and give them another phone book. Maybe the next time they allow themselves to be completely distracted by the most boring book in Creation, they'll take themselves out in the process.

Corporations of America...we're not all stupid. I know we've fallen in love with texting while we're driving and shows that feature people hurting themselves for advertising dollars, but seriously...stop putting messages like this on your products. If there really is someone out there who'll fall into the tempting trap that is eating pop rocks and dynamite because they want a bigger explosion in their mouth, all the warnings in the world aren't going to keep them from blowing themselves up. And chances are, they're probably not smart enough to sue you, anyway. Assuming they live through it. Let's all pray that they don't.

Week 7 - Welcome to Jobber City

“No problem, New Orleans. Glad we could help you look like a decent team again.”

That’s the mentality of what’s known in professional wrestling as “enhancement talent,” otherwise called the “jobber.”

What is a jobber? A jobber is a guy whose sole duty is to go out there and lose, yet somehow make the other wrestler look as dominating as possible in the process, or “do the job” as they say behind the curtain. A jobber is usually a guy you’ve never heard of and aren’t likely to ever see again, unless he’s jobbing for another wrestler. Jobbers don’t beat name wrestlers and jobbers never move up the ladder. When you’re a jobber, you’re a jobber for life.

The Atlanta Falcons have historically played the role of “jobber” in the world of football. If you’re looking to keep that win-streak going, want a nice bump to your stats, or just need a win to keep your season from completely imploding, you should pray that the Falcons are next on your schedule. You’re almost guaranteed a win.

In wrestling, some of the best jobbers have been the ones who made you believe that they could actually win the match. It adds a layer of suspense and drama to a match that ordinarily wouldn’t have been there. You become sucked into the idea that this upstart, S.D. Jones, could somehow take down Ted Dibiase. Jones even gets some offense in. Then Jones goes for his finisher, misses, and Dibiase escapes with the win.

And even though wrestling isn’t real, and you knew the ending to this match when you noticed that they didn’t even bother to give S.D. Jones a real introduction, for about two minutes, you thought S.D. Jones might win. That’s exactly what happened today during the Falcons’ game.

Byron Leftwich was named the starter this week and brought with him a huge set of balls, because even though he was cut by Jacksonville and has never played a full season in his career, he entered the game with supreme confidence. He was already sucking us in.

The defense held up well, like always, but it was Leftwich who provided the drama. His drives were impressive, capped by a touchdown late in the second quarter. The offense was playing better than they had all season. They were taking it to last season’s NFC South division winner, the New Orleans Saints, in the Superdome. For the first time all season, Falcons fans had hope.

But then came the point in the match where the established wrestler weathers the hot start by the jobber and takes control. Only in this case, it was by injuring Byron Leftwich and killing the sole hope that any Falcons’ fan had of winning this game. I was personally deflated by this, because it’s almost as if God doesn’t want the Falcons to have any sunshine on their faces this season.

We lost Michael Vick. We lost Matt Schaub. We lost D.J. Shockley before the season even started. We had gotten out from under Joey Harrington, who to his credit had played well this season, but no one’s going to be inspired by a quarterback with the soft, doe eyes that Harrington has. Just when we had been given our best chance to win, Leftwich had been taken away with a sprained ankle. It’s the same as when Jim Powers missed his dropkick because Mr. Perfect held onto the ropes.

The Saints followed that up with a touchdown. You could almost hear fans across Atlanta throwing things at the TV when Joey Harrington ran back onto the field. Or at least the Falcons fans who had bothered to keep watching the game. We all knew what was coming down. Mr. Perfect was about to go to teach Jim Powers a lesson.

Only it didn’t happen that way. Harrington completed a few passes and the team kept moving the chains. They looked just good enough to make me believe that Harrington could hold on just long enough to secure the win. Let’s face it: This Saints team isn’t the same team that won the NFC South last year. They were 1-5 and were getting blown out left and right. The Saints had just won their first game last week. We could take these guys, right?

I honestly felt that way until the blown snap that lost 16 yards for us. After that, it was game over. Mr. Perfect had snuck in his PerfectPlex and that was all she wrote for the Falcons.

“Pin me, pay me,” that’s the Job Squad motto. The Falcons had just given the Saints their first win streak of the season and resurrected any hopes the Saints had of rallying and saving their season. The Falcons made the Saints look a little better before “putting them over.” That’s what a jobber does. The Falcons have had decades to practice their craft, and they are among the league’s top jobbers.

The Hawks are also jobbers. The Thrashers have never made the playoffs. The Braves have returned to the Job Squad after a run at the top of the card. The Falcons have never strayed too far from the bottom. When leagues have had discussions about retracting their teams, Atlanta’s teams are always mentioned. And why not? It’s not like they’re ever in danger of turning the corner. It’s our duty to make all the other teams look better than they really are. Someone’s gotta do it, right?

Welcome to Atlanta. This is Jobber City.

Inside, I pull China's punk card!

The Dalai Lama, who's been in living in exile since 1965, was awarded with the Congressional Medal of Honor on Wednesday. This has upset the People's Republic of China because they think the Dalai Lama, because they think he's a poo-poo face swimming around in Satan's toilet. Or that's what they would think if the government weren't officially atheist.

They made a semi-threat to these United States that basically came off like this, "If you're going to be her friend, then you can't come to my birthday party!" before slamming her locker door and storming away. Yes, in this example, the US, China, and the Dalai Lama are all superficial teenage girls. Or at least China is.

I know why China's so upset with the Dalai Lama. It's a stupid reason, but at least they have one. But to get mad at our government for being cool with him is a little retarded. He didn't kill anyone and didn't steal anything. Why are you so mad? And really, China...what are you gonna do about it?

What's the worst that you can do? Take back your poisonous toys and dog food? Stop flooding our dollar stores with bootleg merchandise? Are you gonna threaten to not share your bird flu with us? What, are you gonna ban us from the Olympics next year? Listen up, China...the Olympic Committee will ban you in your own country before they allow that to happen. You know how much money our country provides in ad revenue alone?

China, when you want to send veiled threats to another country, make sure that the country in question will actually care if you carry them out. This one won't. Maybe that strongarm tactic will work on North Korea or one of them loser countries that's dying to be paid attention to, but what's the worst that could happen? You're not gonna go to war over this, and it's stupid to think that making a mean face will make another country change it's internal policy decisions. So just shut up.

Better Late Than Never - Thanks, Starbury

It's that time of year when all the new basketball shoes have come out or are about to come out. I don't know the shoe release dates, because I've got a scrotum, which allows me to resist screaming like a teenage girl when the lime green and orange Retro Jordan IV's come out. I'm ashamed that I even know what the hell I just said.

But last year around this time, Stephon Marbury introduced his "Starbury" line of shoes and gear, centering it around the fact that it was affordable stuff, endorsed by an actual basketball player. Usually, when something like this has happened, it's either endorsed by a player that has no fans outside of his home city (Patrick Ewing) or a player or the shoes were so ugly that they offended people (Hakeem Olajuwon).

Marbury's line of products were actually the kind of product that wouldn't compel to spit in your grandmother's lemonade after she gave them to you for Christmas. They're actually a nice line of shoes, and he plays in them every night. They only cost $15 bucks a pair, so now people can stop selling kidneys for basketball shoes that will make the teasing stop.

This season, Ben Wallace of my Beloved Bulls (it's like "A Pimp Named Slickback;" you say the whole thing), has signed up to endorse shoes of his own, "The Big Ben Collection."

I know many people have done this last year, and I might have done it, too, but I can't remember back that far. I don't even have a weed habit to blame it all on, but I'd like to thank Stephon Marbury for putting out this line of shoes and Ben Wallace of my Beloved Bulls (that's gonna make my hand cramp up at some point) for joining the cause.

As many (or 4) people know, I am no fan of Stephon Marbury. I think he's a ballhog and was never that good of a point guard to begin with. And I continue to hold against him the fact that Penny Hardaway's career never took the upswing I predicted it would. But there's no denying he's done a good thing with this.

I'll be damned if I buy a still growing kid a pair of shoes that cost more than $100. And when they get to the point where they're not growing anymore, they can get a job and buy their own shit. However, with the Starbury line (as well as the Big Ben Collection), kids don't need to eat things found on the cafeteria floor for money to be cool anymore. The shoes don't fall apart when they get wet, and they don't look like Hakeem Olajuwon's shoe. I don't see why anyone wouldn't buy them after hearing that last part. Plus, you can buy them and have money left to go to Cinnabon.

I just hope that more players decide to sign on with Starbury on start similar companies. I know Shaq sells shoes at Wal-Mart, but there's a reason why his shoes are sold at Wal-Mart. I don't even think HE wears his own shoes. This idea would have caught on a lot faster if someone like LeBron James or Dwyane Wade had gotten behind it. Instead, we've got LeBron making comments like this, when asked if HE might one day endorse a low-priced shoe:

“No, I don’t think so,” James said. “Me being with Nike, we hold our standards high.”

Almost as high as their prices. Those stock options and quarterly bonuses aren't going to pay themselves. Go Starbury...just not on the court.

The line of shoes and clothes can be found exclusively at Steve and Barry's...which we don't have in Atlanta...and they don't sell merchandise on the website. The struggle continues...

More Truth About the Truth

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the futility of the sports interview. Basically, you shouldn’t expect honest answers from these people, and you truthfully don’t want them. Case in point was US Women’s goalie Hope Solo, who ripped her coach for starting 36 year old Briana Scurry in their game against Brazil, who gave up four goals in a loss. Solo was immediately criticized for speaking her mind, which she probably wouldn’t have done if she hadn’t been asked the question by the reporter who was standing there holding the mike.

My point is that Americans don't really want the truth to their questions. But I’m about to ask another question: What would you have had her say?

Arizona Sen. Larry Craig has been in the news recently, because apparently, he’s developed a taste for tube steak wrapped in shorts. There’s a lot of controversy behind this, because he was arrested, exposed, and called upon to resign, and he hasn’t and won’t do it…after saying he would. I don’t really know the ins and outs, and that’s mainly because the hypocrisy of politics never catches me off guard, so I never felt the need to make sure if what I’m saying is truly accurate.

He was interviewed by CNN (I guess), recently, and I caught a glimpse of the interview. Unsurprisingly, he was asked if he was averse to taking shots in the poop chute, and he said that he was. The reporter followed that up with a question about whether or not he was okay with the idea of two men spooning in the park. He responded by saying that he does agree with that lifestyle. Of course, these weren’t the actual questions (mainly because I wasn’t the one giving the interview), but hopefully, you’re able to get the gist of what was said.

I’m sure people will not be satisfied with his answers, because after all, it’s not like straight men fall for undercover cops propositioning them for gay sex without already being gay. I don’t think there’s anyone in America who believes that he ISN’T gay. I saw the amount of makeup he was wearing in the interview, and how well manicured his eyebrows were, and thought, “FABULOUS!”

But what did you expect him to say? If there’s anyone who truly believed that he’d get out there and go, “Hey, man, look. I just…I like sucking cock,” please go get that metal shard sticking out of your head looked at, because it looks gangrenous. You probably also believe that the Bush Administration believes in an open and transparent government.

The futility of the sports interview can be applied to any sort of interview, really. Did you really think Bill Clinton would get in front of America and say, “Dude…smell my finger.” Or for Britney Spears to say, “I prefer snorting cocaine over spending time with my kids?” Perhaps you truly expected Paris Hilton to talk to Letterman about how she cried every day in jail, and yet, hasn’t changed in the slightest, because she’s going to the club as soon as the cameras are finished taping?

Sometimes, we just shouldn’t expect the truth to come out of people. And sometimes, when the truth does come out of people, they shouldn’t try so hard to pretend like they didn’t say it. Mel Gibson, own that shit! Clearly, you’ve got something against Jews, because I’ve been drunk before, and it didn’t turn me into an Anti-Semitic. Honestly, the only time I’ve ever been drunk and tried to have a decent conversation, it really just turned out that we were saying the same four sentences over and over in different variations for about two hours. I spent the entire next day vomiting in a hotel bathroom.

So don’t pretend that you didn’t mean it. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being distrustful of Jewish people. The people in Hollywood who distribute your movies might not think so, but all in all, is it really that bad? It’s not like the Jews are looking out for black people. And none of that is to say that I dislike Jewish people, because outside of Jon Stewart and Zach Braff, I don’t think I know any. Personally, I think those guys are hilarious. Goldberg still sucks, though.

Calm down…I don’t hate Jews. Hell, everyone distrusts black people, and you don’t see me getting up in arms about it. Jewish people, own that shit! Black people have turned everyone else’s fear and distrust of us into an art form. We call it “hip-hop.” And on second thought, maybe you do own it. Maybe you call it being a “labeling everyone as an Anti-Semitic.”

Why’s everyone so afraid of the truth? Because you’re afraid of what everyone will think of you? What’s the worst that could happen? Trent Lott was exposed as a racist, and he still kept his political career going, and had he moved to South Carolina, he probably would have been in line for a Presidential bid. John Amaechi came out of the closet and it helped his book sales way more than pretending to be straight would have.

Of course, you can’t just get out there and talk crazy. You have to temper yourself a little. Tim Hardaway was fired from life after saying what he said about gay people, and I fail to see how Evangelical preachers keep any supporters at all after some of the insanity that they come up with. Those guys have managed to top the Bible for total number of outlandish statements. If I told the world that 9/11 and AIDS happened because God doesn’t like us being nice to gay people, I’d probably reading all my hate mail in the pile of rubble that used to be my house.

Week 6 - My Descent Into Conspiracy Theories

I've discovered that there is a horrible condition that is affecting Atlanta Falcons' receivers. It's called "suckus receiverenidum," or "Peerless Price Syndrome." It's completely different from the condition that has devastated the Falcons secondary, "Caution: Flammable," or "Third Degree Burns." I'd show you my evidence, but it was destroyed when I let Lewis Sanders read it.

For those who remember, Peerless Price was a big free agent signing for Atlanta back in 2003. He had made his name in Buffalo, as the number 2 receiver behind Eric Moulds. He came here with big dreams of being the top receiver for the Falcons, but it wasn't long before everyone noticed that he didn't like to do things that number 1 receivers do, like catch the ball or make plays. During his two years in Atlanta, his stats plummeted. Suddenly, his name had become something of an ironic joke.

When he was released in 2005, Atlanta rejoiced, because we thought we had seen the last of Price. We knew he wasn't going to come back here and burn the Falcons for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, a home run and a dunk over Patrick Ewing. The guy sucked. There was no chance of that happening. But he still left his mark, by spreading the disease that I just made up to the rest of the team.

Michael Jenkins was drafted by the Falcons in 2004, replacing Peerless Price in 2005, and so started his career of dashing the dreams of Falcons fans, picking up where Price left off. At 6'5", he flat out refuses to go get the ball, even though he has at least 6 inches on most defenders. When balls were thrown his way, they were almost repelled by his hands, as if they were allergic to flying leather. He was almost like a bigger Peerless Price.

Roddy White arrived in Atlanta in 2005, and immediately showed glimpses of the athleticism that both Price and Jenkins seemed to lack. But like the receivers before him, he couldn't catch the ball. It's like he had some sort of genetic defect that wouldn't allow him to open his hands.

Receiver after receiver came here and dropped balls. Except for Cole Mangum. He caught everything that came his way, so naturally they cut him. My dad and I still look fondly upon that preseason of 2005 when he outplayed every single receiver on the roster. Clearly, he had some kind of immunity to playing like crap.

So did Ashley Lelie, the only other receiver to play here that was consistently open. The Falcons organization doesn't seem to like that sort of thing. You know, doing your job or moving the chains.

Then again, maybe it was the quarterback play that was causing problems. I mean, Michael Vick wasn't exactly known for his touch. Word on the street was that every time Michael Vick threw the ball, it was like a cannon. Short passes, long passes, it didn't matter. He was gunning it. I think I even saw him gun it on a shovel pass once. I didn't even know that was even possible.

But No. 7 is gone now, and the more skilled Joey Harrington is the starter now, and by "skilled," I mean that he can't run, so he has to be able to throw. Sure, there have been complaints of his indecisiveness, but one thing that can't be argued so far is that he's been fairly accurate when he has time. And yet, the disease seems to be spreading because Joe Horn and Alge Crumpler are dropping passes like the ball is covered in soap. Someone keep an eye on the ball boy.

During the monkeystomping that the Falcons took from the Giants on Monday, even the guy that I've put all my future hopes in, rookie Laurent Robinson was dropping balls. Is someone spiking the Gatorade? Perhaps with hits of acid that make the football look like an alien face-hugger or a bag of snakes?

I know my theories on this are a stretch, but it just doesn't seem to make any sense to me why there are so many receivers here that can't catch. They can catch in other places, but when they get here, it's as if they forget how to operate their hands properly. I'll bet they don't have this problem when they're on the PlayStation, or when someone's tossing them their paycheck.

Come to think of it, I do seem to remember hearing about a rash of kids being admitted to local hospitals in record numbers because of head injuries caused by not being able to catch balls. You might not have heard about it, because it was covered up by a man who was suspiciously hit by a bus. It came into his living room. On the third floor.

Or maybe I'm looking in the wrong place for the answer. After all, Brian Finneran was here long before Peerless Price and he has a history of dropping the ball when it mattered. Maybe I've pinned this on the wrong guy. The first time I ever heard of Brian Finneran, my dad was screaming at him through the TV for dropping a pass. The anger in his voice caused his name to be forever etched into my memory.

Whatever the answer is, the Falcons need to find a solution for it, because it's not good for my mental health to continue to see our receivers drop perfect passes. If you need proof of my failing mental state, please refer to the above ramblings.

Maybe we should try tossing their kids out of the window. If you can catch a kid, you can catch a football.

Kobe is right and here's why

Earlier this year, I wrote a column about the lack of loyalty in sports. To sum it all up, it doesn't exist. Even though we know this, people are still being critical of Kobe and his supposed lack of loyalty to the Lakers. I can't figure out why, because when it comes to millions of dollars, fame, and glory, and potential immortality, the average American would probably push their own mother off of a moving bus.

What's the problem? She'll be alright if she braces herself.

There are those out there who continue to bring up the Lakers' support of Kobe during his sexual assault trial, and their willingness to trade Shaq and let Phil Jackson go to retain Kobe. I'll get to the sexual assault trial in a second, but no one put a gun to their heads and made them trade Shaq or settle for what they got for him. If someone offers me the best center of this decade, and all they want back is Caron Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant and a draft pick (that would become Andrew Bynum), I'd probably lose three fingers in the fax machine trying to get the contract sent before they sober back up.

Why should Kobe have to suffer because Mitch Kupchak isn't good at his job? I'm sure his dad told him to be a dentist. If that was the best deal he could see, when Eddie Jones and Udonis Haslem are sitting right there (not to mention drafting Andrew Bynum), having Kobe upset with him is the least of his problems. What about his uncontrollable drooling or his ongoing battle with the childproof cap?

And please stop bringing up Jerry Buss and his loyalty to Kobe during the sexual assault trial. I'd expect Buss to stand by Kobe, seeing as how Kobe didn't rape that girl. Okay, so he let him use the team plane to go back and forth to Colorado. But is that a real big sacrifice? Kobe's got eleventy katrillion dollars. I really don't think he would have had to bum plane fare off of someone to get back to L.A. on time.

Besides, that was three years ago. Is Kobe supposed to stay in Buss' pocket forever? Keep in mind, Kobe Bryant is an athlete. He is the best player in the NBA. He is in his prime and he wants to win right now. Sure, he's keeping the team profitable, but do you really think Kobe gives a crap about the Lakers' operating budget or profit margins? I'm not even so sure the ownership cares, because if they did, they wouldn't settle for Chris Mihm as their starting center.

I don't know about you, but if I had the chance to land Jason Kidd, one of the greatest point guards ever, and all I had to give up was Andrew Bynum, a guy who may or may not ever be anything, I'd wipe the blood off of my fax machine and jam my other hand wrist deep back in there to get that Jason Kidd deal finalized.

The only argument that holds up at all is that they pay Kobe a lot of money to go out there and play basketball. He does it, and he does it well. Yes, they stood beside him during his troubles, but it's not like he was just slacking off the entire time he's been there. He helped bring three championships to L.A. and has continued to fill the seats of the Staples Center. I'd say helping Jerry Buss continue to pinch loaves on his platinum toilet filled with champagne counts for something. Jerry Buss wasn't supporting Kobe through his troubled times because he thought Kobe's soul smelled like cinnamon and his aura spoke with the voices of angels. He was protecting his investment.

And that investment was allowed to be made with the agreement of certain conditions, one of which was that there would be an actual team built around him. People forget, Kobe didn't have to come back. The Lakers needed him more than he needed the Lakers. He could have gone to the Clippers, the Bulls, the Hawks, and at least two of those three were presented without laughter.

But were those conditions met? Let me answer my question with a couple of questions. Is Smush Parker the starting point guard? Is Kobe supposed to wait for Andrew Bynum to develop? I hope that doesn't sound like "moving in the right direction" to you. If it does, then you just might qualify to be an NBA General Manager.

Andrew Bynum. Are you serious? Danny Granger, Hakim Warrick, Luther Head, and David Lee were all still on the board at the time. You know who got David Lee? The Knicks, which means that Isiah Thomas is smarter than you, Mitch Kupchak. Watch out, Mitch, that isn't Kool-Aid in that antifreeze jug.

So let's not pretend that Kobe hasn't shown the organization patience, even though it seems like they're saying to themselves, "How many D-League players can we sneak onto this team before anyone notices?" Kobe's not getting any younger and I don't think he should have to wait for Bynum to learn basketball moves he should have been picking up the second someone noticed that he was the only 7th grader in his class that was able to pass for an adult. Personally, I think he'd look great in a Bulls uniform. Just something to think about...

Can we get some new stars?

Just hours before he was scheduled to perform at the BET Hip-Hop Awards, T.I., real name Clifford Harris, was arrested for possession of unlicensed machine guns. Who the hell gets arrested for this? Who do you think you are, Ordell Robbie?

(Google it, if you don't know who that is.)

Somebody help me understand this. You are T.I. You are one of the top rap acts in the country. You are a platinum selling artist. You appear in movies. You appear in mainstream advertising. You recently appeared on a open-panel discussion on hip-hop and its effects on our community. You have skated through your music career on minimal talent. You are rich. You have bodyguards. What the hell do you need with machine guns and silencers?

What, are you trying to be the Punisher for Halloween, and you want your costume to be extra authentic? Are you trying to defend the hood from terrorists? Next time I see some terrorism going down in East Point, I know who to call, because as we all know, the hood is a hotbed of terrorist activity.

Last week, I saw a guy planting a car bomb in a beat-up Chevy Celebrity, but when I got closer, it turned out he was really just duck-taping his muffler so it wouldn't drag the ground. My mistake.

Clifford's (because I don't know or care what "T.I." means) defenders would probably say that this was a set-up or something, but no one except the Bush Administration is spreading anything good through the use of machine guns. I seriously doubt he was planning to use them to bring whimsy and wonder to our childrens' lives.

Unless the revolution is about to start and no one told me, I can't think of a good reason for Clifford to need machine guns. If he needs protection, that's what the bodyguard was for. The bodyguard's job is to take bullets for you, not go buy more guns so your dumb ass can shoot back.

So thanks, Clifford, for being a good example. You're only one of the most visible music stars in the world, with millions of young black kids looking up to you. Yeah, no one's gonna notice this. Not on the eve of the BET Hip-Hop awards, where you were to perform AND nominated for nine awards. Hell, there was only a TON of press there just in case something illegal happened. Good thing you were there to keep the press from a slow news day.

Then, at the awards show, some of his fellow artists performed his songs for him and tried to make him out to be a victim, by saying things like "Free T.I." Listen, Clifford is not a political prisoner. You're not gonna see Clifford on a t-shirt with Malcolm and Martin. Clifford's troubles have nothing to do with "the struggle," unless it's struggling with his handcuffs, or struggling to find new ways to get arrested, because he won't be struggling to make bail or struggling to find a good lawyer.

Don't get it twisted, Clifford is not one of the Black Panthers.

If we are trying to hold up Clifford here as some sort of pariah or victim, then we are truly in trouble. Why do our stars have to be knuckleheads? Not that white folks don't have their own embarrassments, but for one, whites aren't all identified as one group, and two, I'm not embarrassed by the latest Britney Spears scandal. I don't really care how many cocks the paparazzi caught Paris Hilton sucking.

The real question here is, can we get some new stars? Maybe some who are allergic to jail time. Maybe some who won't brag about going to jail on a song (Clifford rapped on Young Buck's "Stomp" that he "caught some cases, but that's just a minor setback," before getting eaten alive by Ludacris). Maybe some stars who aren't so concerned with hood acceptance and "keepin' it real." I've never understood why you'd want acceptance from the hood, anyway. There's good people in the hood, but that's also where the people live who are plotting to rob you every time you go down there, regardless of their "acceptance" of you.

Can't we bring back Bill Cosby? Someone needs to get crackin' on that time machine.

Vandalism: The Eighth Deadly Sin

As further proof that we are being governed by people who are quite possibly missing a chromosome, I submit this to you:

In New York, a mother was cited by the police because of the horribly offensive graffiti that her 6-year old daughter vandalized the front stoop of their home with. Reports say that as a result of this vandalism, the surrounding homes became crack houses within the hour and crime skyrocketed to record levels.

What did the prepubescent terror, first-grader Natalie Shea, use to completely crush Brooklyn's property values? That’s right, Crayola brand colored chalk. Their entire lineage should be put in jail for this.

It doesn’t matter that the girl’s previous pictures of unicorns and flowers were washed away the next time it rained. This time, she could possibly be using chalk that could last for two, or even three extra rainstorms.

Thank Giuliani that he trained the populace of New York so well in these troubled times, to completely overreact to the actions of our neighbors. In this case, it was, in fact, a neighbor who complained about the lasting effect such non-permanent defacings would have on their community. According to a number of biographies on Osama bin Laden, this is exactly how he got started on the path to global terror. As we all know, sidewalk doodling is a gateway crime that leads directly to planting bombs.

Adolf Hitler was known to scribble on the walls of his childhood home as a child. That’s the reason why he learned to be a house painter; so he could feed his addiction for destruction, while at the same time, learning the skills that would allow him to evade capture. Viewing these facts, it’s quite easy to link these actions with his later atrocities, such as genocide and invading France.

So thank that meddling neighbor who called the police who were enforcing the anti-graffiti laws written by Rudolph Giuliani. Because these people chose to be a bother, and the cops decided to forego any semblance of critical reasoning before writing the ticket, we’ve squashed one criminal or terrorist career before it even starts.

When questioned about this ticket, the girl’s mother said that she's just have to wash the chalk away faster in the future. She also panicked and screamed that she doesn't harbor terrorists and that she'll inform the authorities next time her child gets on the school bus with overly sharpened pencils. After all, we must blow things completely out of proportion or the terrorists win.

Democrats indoctrinate their kids, too!

The header on the page says "Why Mommy Is a Democrat: A different kind of book." Truer words were never spoken, except for the time when South Park completely nailed why Family Guy isn't funny.

I don't know how long this book has been on the market, but for those who didn't know, there is a children's book out there called "Why Mommy Is a Democrat." It's good to see that Republicans aren't the only ones who believe in indoctrinating their kids.

I haven't read the book, because I've never been one to seek out propaganda, but from the title I can tell that by the end of this 28 page summation of the Democratic Party's agenda, I'd be pissed off. First of all, if you can boil your entire manifesto down into a children's book, chances are you're not very deep. Second of all, why are you trying to influence the political futures of children?

There are sample pages posted on the website, littledemocrats.net, that say things like "Democrats make sure we all share our toys, like Mommy does." No word on if there's a page that says, "Democrats allow random strangers into our homes that eat our food and sleep in our beds for free, like Mommy does," or "Democrats let people walk all over them because they are spineless opportunists who can't accomplish anything, even when they are the majority in Congress, like Mommy does."

Maybe it's just the way I think, but I think it's disgusting to try to influence your child's political beliefs before they even start growing pubic hair. When I was that age, my major concern was "How many bowls of cereal am I going to inhale during cartoons on Saturday?" Maybe even, "I hope I can get past level 7-4 on Super Mario Bros." Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't, "I wish Congress would pass a non-binding resolution against President Reagan to prevent him from further splintering the country."

I remember when Ronald Reagan left office in 1988, and i remember telling my dad that Ronald Reagan was my favorite President and that I would miss him. My dad didn't say anything, not because he thought his son was a babbling fool, but because he understood that I was 10 years old and I had no idea what I was talking about. I liked Ronald Reagan, not because I knew of anything he had actually said or done, but because he had been President for my entire conscious life to that point, and I didn't know any different.

People always remark how children are pure souls and the truth always comes out of a child, but the reality is children aren't really equipped to debate the finer points of politics. They don't have any critical reasoning skills yet. They barely even know the President, let alone things like political parties, the Senate, the House of Representatives, or God help us, filibustering. Even if the information spoke to a child, they'd still find it boring because Spongebob doesn't talk to it and it can't fly.

A child only knows what you tell them, and if you spend your days telling them that Aquaman comes over every day while they're at school, then that's what they're going to believe. It doesn't matter if it's true or right, because to them it is now the truth and depending on one's relationship with the child, they'll make that fact an integral part of their beliefs, even if they don't know any facts to support that stance. No child is going to fire back with "Mother, I think I relate more with the Republican Party's stance on small government and libertarianism."

So, Jeremy Zilber, you are simply wrong for writing this book. You are no different than fundamentalist Muslims who teach their kids that killing Jews is what Allah wants or the loons from that movie "Jesus Camp," who have kids praying that Samuel Alito would be sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice so he could overturn Roe vs. Wade.

Would it really be so wrong to allow your kids to form their own opinions about things in their own time? Are you so insecure in your own beliefs that you have to force your kids to believe the same as you? Anyone who has ever seen a kid will tell you that they're going to form their own ideas at some point and if you can't handle that, maybe you shouldn't be having kids. If you're the kind of parent who believes in completely forging their child's world view before they have the chance to form it themselves, maybe you should take a hard look at the kind of person you REALLY are.

Week 5 - The Week Everything Goes Crazy

A shameless bite from PTI: A melancholy Happy Trails to Dolphins’ QB Trent Green. Green was knocked unconscious by a knee to the head in the Dolphins-Texans game. Green has likely suffered his second concussion in a year, and at 37 years old, has likely played his last game in the NFL. All of this is speculation at this point, as the game is still being played at the time of this writing, and while I hope I’m wrong, if I were a betting man (and I’m much too poor to be), I’d give anyone odds that we’ll never see Trent Green on the field again.

I heard Tony Kornheiser reading the above in my head. I wish Kornheiser could be in my head under better circumstances. No, that’s not gay at all. Time to find out where we messed up, Stat Boy!

The Cleveland Browns teased us this week by having Brady Quinn put his helmet on and warm up on the sidelines, before sending Derek Anderson back out to be slaughtered by the Patriots. Coach Romeo Crennel was overheard saying “Sike your mind,” to Brady Quinn.

The Patriots only won by 17 points. Man, they suck. Also, the Patriots just crushed the Bengals on Monday and stomped the Browns today. The Browns dropped 56 points on the Bengals. Is there any team in the league with a defense worse than the Bengals? Can Atlanta schedule them in as a late season replacement?

Even though Pittsburgh fell hard and fast after winning the Super Bowl, does anyone else think that Antwan Randle-El regrets bolting for the Redskins? I wonder what Plaxico Burress thinks about all this.

Did anyone ever sign Reche Caldwell? I don’t know, but then again, I don’t really care.

Week 5 – The Week That Everything Goes Crazy.

I’ve always noticed that everything changes in Week 5. It doesn’t matter how well or poorly you did in the first four weeks. I’ve seen 0-4 teams make the playoffs and I’ve been 4-1 teams completely collapse. But there’s always some feel good story that comes out of this. I was hoping it was going to be Atlanta. They seemed to be making progress…and then they went to Tennessee and confronted the Ghost of Falcons’ Past.

Watching Vince Young snap off a couple of runs against the Falcons helped me understand what it’s like to have your secondary shaken out of their shoes. It also cemented in my soul that I’m never going to get over Michael Vick. And neither is the Falcons’ run game, apparently, because the run game is so bad that we’re depending on the pass game to move the chains.

This wouldn’t be a problem if the offensive line was actually in the business of protecting their quarterback. I have to ask these guys…do you want Chris Redman in the game, because as of right now, that’s your alternative. Byron Leftwich isn’t ready yet, and Michael Vick is on house arrest. D.J. Shockley’s leg still hasn’t been reattached, so right now, it’s Harrington or nothing.

Just as soon as I wrote the above sentence, Byron Leftwich entered the game. This is why no one comes to me for their football analysis.

It didn’t really matter, though, because the protection still wasn’t there, and instead of Joey Harrington getting all flustered by the pressure and under throwing the ball, Leftwich was overthrowing the ball. At least he was trying to move the ball downfield, though. There was a tangible difference in the atmosphere when Leftwich took the field, though. I don’t know what it was, but it was like the sun got brighter and there were pixies sprinkling their pixie dust all over everything. Sure, the Falcons still didn’t get a first down, but it felt like they would.

In fact, this was one of the worst games I’ve ever seen the Falcons play. To tell the truth, the Titans are not that good, but how bad does a team have to be to force five turnovers and still lose? How bad does a team have to be to be practically handed the ball on the goal line and still fail to score?

Can we trade the entire offensive line? Is that possible? Is the offensive line at USC or Oklahoma doing anything right now?

Sigh…I am not looking forward to hearing from my cousin about this. Her husband got them tickets to the game, and couldn’t be bothered to get a ticket and plane fare for me. They’re so selfish. But it’s just a matter of time before she rubs this in my face, mainly because I made the mistake of talking trash too early. I mean, I am a Falcons’ fan and any hope that we had of talking trash here ended in a Virginia courtroom. I really should know better than this.

So this week, I don’t hate DeAngelo Hall, who actually played well. I don’t hate Michael Jenkins, because the interception he caused wasn’t entirely his fault. I don’t hate Lewis Sanders, because he got yanked from the game early. No, my hatred this week is focused squarely on the offensive line. Dammit, guys…if you keep giving up the line of scrimmage, the terrorists win.

What’s even sadder than all of this is the fact that there’s still hope for the playoffs, because the NFC South is the worst division in the league. The Saints are now 0-5, the Panthers and Bucs are both like, 2-3. I don’t know what their records are because I can’t handle watching that many bad teams. For God’s sake, the Panthers and Saints couldn’t manage to score more than 16 points against each other.

Overall, the league as a whole just isn’t very good right now. There’s only about three good teams in the entire NFL right now, the Patriots, the Colts, and a healthy mix between the Packers and the Steelers, because I don’t fully trust either one of those teams. And maybe the Cowboys. What is wrong with the NFL right now? Seattle’s not good, Philadelphia can’t seem to get it together, Rex Grossman has single-handedly destroyed the Bears, the Bengals have never heard of the word “defense,” and no one will ever take the Lions seriously again.

And in a league that’s this bad, the Falcons still can’t manage a two game winning streak, not even against a mediocre Titans team. When does basketball season start?

Can Shawn Marion be "The Man?"

"Shawn Marion will be traded and exposed. And if it doesn’t happen this year, this one will happen at some point, because the media has convinced this man that he’s better than he really is. They’ve also convinced all of you of the same thing. Listen, Shawn Marion is an amazing athlete with freakishly long arms, who can get off the ground quicker than most and has a nose for the ball and can play in the lights. But there’s always a guy like that in the league. Would you really build your offense around him, though? Would you depend on him to put your team on his back and score 25-30 a night? Not with that jump shot, you shouldn’t. But at least one general manager is going to do exactly that."

I posted those words on June 29, 2007 as one of my predictions for the upcoming NBA season, and while it wasn't something as obvious as Kobe or Garnett demanding trades, it was something that I had seen coming since Amare Stoudamire emerge as a dominant force in Phoenix. Keep in mind, I don't have any insight into that locker room. I've never met Shawn Marion. But I wasn't the least bit surprised when I heard that Marion and Stoudamire were feuding out there. Kenny Smith had been blowing Marion's head up since he came into the league, tagging him with that stupid nickname, and everyone jumped on board the bandwagon without realizing that he had an incomplete game.

First, let's get something straight: This is NOT like the Joe Johnson situation. That's been the comparison people have made, and it is not the same thing. The jokes have been funny, but let's be serious: Shawn Marion is not the player that Joe Johnson is.

Don't get me wrong: Shawn Marion is a good player. Most teams would be glad to have a guy like him. He's a great defender and rebounder with his speed and the aforementioned freakishly long arms. He goes after any ball you put above the rim and brings down almost all of them. One thing that no one can take away from Shawn Marion, he's an incredible athlete. Well, no one except Father Time or whoever cursed Shawn Livingston.

Joe Johnson on the other hand, is a complete basketball player. The man can score in a variety of ways and is capable of being the focal point of an offense. His game doesn't depend on flashy dunks and someone else getting him the ball. Joe Johnson can take the ball and make something happen. Shawn Marion is not that kind of player. Shawn Marion is completely dependent on his point guard, in this case, Steve Nash. At one point, it was Stephon Marbury. After playing with a ball-hog like that, that fact that we even know Shawn Marion's name is impressive.

So let's stop filling Marion's head with nonsense. Someone sit this guy down and say to him, "Are you aware that your shot is horrible and it only goes in because no one's defending it?" "You do realize that you're not a number one option for a reason, right?" "It is only by the grace of Nash that you have a max deal in this league. Fundamentally, there's no difference between you and Donald Royal."

Seriously...offensively speaking, there isn't much that Shawn Marion does that can't be found somewhere else. There are three guys on Phoenix's roster right now who can do the same things as Marion, in addition to being able to shoot, pass, and dribble (Stoudamire, Grant Hill, Boris Diaw). Defensively, the only difference between Marion and Raja Bell is that Raja Bell is two inches shorter. That's about it. Kobe is still going to drop 50 points, so it doesn't matter which guy you put on him.

Joe Johnson leaving Phoenix means he can finally show what he can do and has a legitimate chance at stardom in this league. Shawn Marion leaving Phoenix means in five years, we'll be asking "What ever happened to Shawn Marion?"

But should Phoenix trade him or let him go?

I must be on crack for even asking that. His strengths compliment the system the Suns are running and his weaknesses are covered, even if that jump shot isn't. I don't care how unhappy he is, as long as his black ass is out there catching lobs from Steve Nash. He doesn't see it, but Phoenix is saving him from himself, because the second he's no longer playing with someone who can make him look good, like Steve Nash, he's going to become the answer to a trivia question, like Sam Bowie. Question: Who's the dumbest basketball player of the new millennium? Answer: Shawn Marion. Note to Marion: Practice having a mid-range game before you start bombing threes.

I can understand a desire to be "the man" in pro sports. Everyone wants to a chance to be that guy, but everyone's not equipped to be that guy. Some guys are "glue guys," and he's paid very well to be that guy. A little too well. Someone smack Shawn Marion for not even realizing how lucky he is to be in this position.

Week 4 - The Least Exciting Win Ever

The game I was most worried about this entire season was Matt Schaub and the Texans coming into Atlanta, and that’s mainly because I expected them to lose most of the other games. But this one is different because the last thing I need is an ex-Falcon torching the current Falcons for 400 yards and 4 touchdowns. I fully expect Michael Vick to do this one day if Art doesn’t re-sign him when he comes out of jail.

Now, onto this week’s game…first the good:

Finally, the Falcons have won a game. And yet, I couldn’t really get excited about it. Yes, the Falcons kept the returning Matt Schaub from embarrassing them in much the same way that Deion Sanders did when HE returned to Atlanta. Yes, the Falcons offense scored 20 points in the first half. Yes, once again the defense was impressive. But, for God’s sake, they were playing the Texans. I’d like to believe that even with the improvements (well, improvement) that Houston has made, Atlanta is still able to beat them.

It’s hard to get up for a game that Atlanta’s supposed to win. Clearly, most of Atlanta felt that way, because almost no one showed up for the game. Ironic, considering how many people wish Schaub was still here. Their first chance to see him (and most likely, only chance for a while), and no one turned out. Shows how hardcore his supporters really were.

I guess it’s no big deal, though, because it’s not like he dropped 40 on the Falcons or anything like that. 300 yards and a touchdown isn’t so bad, I suppose. But while I’m glad that the Falcons got their first win of the season and counteracted the poetic justice that a Schaub explosion would have provided, it was still just the Texans. And an injured Texans team, at that. Let’s get a grip, all 14 people who care about this win.

Michael Jenkins was going after the ball, getting open, making plays. Has he finally gotten it together? I want to believe that he has, but I can’t get too excited, because let’s face it: They were playing the Texans. Injured Texans. The worst thing that can happen to my mental health right now is that I expect Michael Jenkins and Roddy White to be consistent, productive deep threats in the passing game, because when they start playing like I’m used to them playing (sucking), I’m going to wind up fighting my dad after I put my Timberland through his big screen TV.

And because I say it every week: Joey Harrington is playing well. None of the mistakes made are his fault. And it needs to be said that his decision making is improving all the time. Could Joey Harrington actually be an NFL-worthy quarterback?

…and the bad:

Lewis Sanders: A player that I can only assume is on the roster because warm bodies are needed to fill it out. Why do they keep playing him? Because I believe that they want to see how many times one man can get burnt before he bursts into flames on the field. Every time Houston broke off a big play, Lewis Sanders was the one who gave it up. Can anyone confirm if he’s related to “Give Up the Big Play” Ray Buchanan?

Consistency: The Falcons continue their trend of playing excellent for one half at a time. If they could string together two good halves back to back, they’d be a team worth paying attention to. The defense played a good game, but the offense went back to kicking field goals all through the second half. At least they went in this time. I don’t even remember any of the nightmares I had after Matt Prater blew all those chip shots in Week 2. I’m naming my first born son “Morton.”

Other than that, they looked really good this week. They’re getting better from game to game, but then again, that perception could be skewed by the fact that they were playing the Texans. I really can’t stress that enough. Maybe I’ll get excited when they beat a team that’s sniffed the playoffs this decade.

Next week’s game is at Tennessee. Hmm…we shouldn’t look for the winning streak to kick off next week. I expect the Vick Depression to get into full swing after Vince Young reminds Falcons fans what we once had. Week 6 (vs. NY Giants) doesn’t look good for us, either, unless Eli Manning can out-Harrington the real Joey Harrington.