I Can't Believe I Rented It - Man of Steel

It's damn near impossible for me to talk about "Man of Steel" on the level that I want to without giving away spoilers.  I won't say if it's good or bad, because my friends say that I don't like anything, and I'm a harsh critic.  I'll just say, it's not unterrible, and I'm not even 100% sure what that means.  I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it, either.  I can say this, it's better than "Superman Returns," but that's not hard to do unless you're making "X-Men 3." But here's a quick, spoiler-free rundown of the movie.

1. Superman doesn't have taco meat.  Seriously, someone could have run the clippers over his chest before he put on the suit.

2. Lois Lane is no longer the dumbest investigative reporter on the planet.  I'll let you figure out what that means.

3. Also, she must have powers, too, because she somehow shows up everywhere Superman goes.  It's like she's Bruce Wayne after he gets out of that pit.

4.Y'know General Zod, if you had just gone next door and terraformed Mars, none of this would have ever happened.

5. People really shouldn't spend that much time saving themselves with a Superman flying around. 

6. It's like Superman is in a competition with Spider-Man to see who can ruin his own secret identity the fastest.

7. He throws punches this time. Unfortunately, for him, he isn't very good at it or most things.  As a result...

8. They beat the brakes off of Superman.  Seriously, they curbstomped his ass.  Rocky style.

"Man of Steel" does have some decent moments.  But they're surrounded by a bunch of changes to the Superman mythos that are either unnecessary or illogical.  And the movie never seems to be building towards anything.  But I guess that's just the hater talking.  The filmmakers seemed to be more concerned about making Superman relatable than making him super.  He's got all kinds of angst about being an outsider, so he's Emo Superman this time around, which I guess is a step up from Deadbeat Stalker Superman.

The movie was darker than the usual Superman movie, and felt like it should have been a sequel.  There are some emotional moments for the characters that would have had more weight if there had been a first part.  I guess they felt like they could get away with not building relationships between the characters, because we all know most of them and have a pretty good idea of how they would act.  But at the same time, they acted like they wanted to throw out the rule book and have a brand new Superman. 

To put it in nerd terms, they wanted to reboot "Star Wars," but throw on the ending of "The Empire Strikes Back."  That's the simplest way I can put it.

One thing they did do was make Jor-El interesting, for the first time ever.  I don't know why filmmakers keep holding onto Jor-El, because once he presses the button on the rocket, there really isn't any reason to ever bring him up again.  But he found his way into three Superman movies now, and multiple seasons of Smallville.  He still wasn't necessary, but there's stuff for him to do to justify paying Russell Crowe.  Jor-El was actually a human being in this, and has one of the best scenes in the movie.

The highest compliment I can pay to a movie is, "I can't wait to buy this on DVD."  For this one, I can wait.  It'll be on HBO sooner or later.  But it wasn't a bad flick.  It's just not a Superman flick, kinda like how "The Dark Knight Rises" wasn't really a Batman movie.  I guess that's why they called it "Man of Steel," so they can't get sued for false advertising.