They can't all be winners: Thad talks about Fast Six

Disclaimer:  I know this isn't my best work, but my purpose for doing this is to try and get in the habit of writing every day.  Just keep that in mind.  In fact, you're better off not even reading this.  I promise. If you leave now, you can still catch the second segment of The Colbert Report.

I don't care what you people say, I refuse to believe that Fast Six is a good movie.

Oh, sure, I'll eventually watch it, because it's just a matter of time before Starz airs it.  I'll watch it then and not a minute sooner. That's how I saw Fast Five, and I think that worked out well, because I didn't spend a dime to watch it.  In fact, because of my job, I actually paid less to watch it than people who actually pay for Starz.  And even though I wasted about three hours of my life (it took me two times to get all the way through it) watching Paul Walker and Vin Diesel continue being two of the most boring actors alive, I don't regret it at all.  No, that's a lie.  I do regret it.

All of the action sequences in the world couldn't make that movie good.  You'd think that they would have learned that after XXX. But they didn't, because they keep making Fast & Furious movies, and worse than that, they keep putting Tyrese in them.  For that reason alone, I wonder how these movies keep getting made.  As ridiculous as the decision was to make Tyrese an actor, I want know who thought he made a believable tough guy.  I feel like I should have been in the room when that decision was made, because I remember that Coke commercial.  As a general rule, I try to stay away from movies with Tyrese in them.  The only reason why I saw Transformers was because I knew I was going to trash it later.

So, it's already got three shitty actors working against it.  If the writing of Fast Five is any indicator, in between scenes of cars going fast or cars going around corners or whatever the fuck, they'll just stand around between those scenes and pretend to be fully fleshed out characters.  That's the kind of shit writing that has The Rock forgetting that he spent the whole last movie trying to take these motherfuckers to jail.  The whole point of him being in the movie was to catch these guys, and the two times he could have arrested them, he got his ass kicked, or let them go, because they murdered another guy who was also a piece of shit...I guess?  And that was after they spent the last 20 minutes causing catastrophic property damage.  Hurricanes have ravaged this land less than they did, and this fool lets them walk away.  You know what, I'm not gonna try to make sense of this bullshit.

And y'all want me to go back for more?  Fuck you.  I can create the same experience for myself on the toy aisle at Walmart, with 100% less bland actors.  And if it's all about Vin Diesel's voice, shit, I can do that, and I have more charisma than a pair of work boots.