There's a special place in hell for the person who invented boot camps.

This is probably the most physically taxing writing I'm ever going to do.  I made the mistake of going to a boot camp today, because you're never too old to make mistakes.  And now, I'm barely able to keep my eyes open long enough to write this.  Stupid prior commitments. 

Who was the masochist who invented the concept of boot camps, anyway?  Sure, it's good for our armed forces, because at the very least, the people tasked with defending our borders should be able to exercise for an hour without throwing up.  But regular slobs like me?  I don't see why I should have to do that.   And as it happens, I can't.  Well, I didn't actually throw up, but kneeling on the side of the track, waiting to vomit while people in far better shape than me run by is almost the same thing.  I was so exhausted that I wasn't even embarrassed by how pathetic I looked.  I couldn't walk for long stretches by the end, I kept a mouthful of that pre-vomit spit, and I was on the verge of a coma for the entire ride home.  Basically, I was everything you'd expect a fat guy to be.  Homer Simpson would be proud. 

What's messed up is, going into it, I believed all of that "mind over matter" bullshit.  That I could hop off the couch and will myself to the end of the workout.  Well, that is an absolute lie, my friends.  The "Insanity" commercial, where regular people like you and me claim to dive feet first into a horrible workout, and get through it with grit and gumption?  That's crap.  The truth is, those people are ringers and if you really try to do that without building up to it, you will die.  I know this to be true, because my ghost is typing this right now.  I hope all of you will be attending my funeral on Saturday. 

If I were still alive, I would impart the message that you shouldn't let skinny people and their judgmental stares keep you from working on what's proving to be an impressing front butt.  Yeah, getting in shape takes hard work, but so does shortening your lifespan by eating what passes for affordable food in America.  Sure, the people who love you would tell you that they want you around longer, and that exercise will help extend your life, but I'll be happier wasting that time catching up on "Sons of Anarchy."