I used to think that Minnesota was such a genius state, because they elected Jesse Ventura as governor, but then I noticed that they also elected US Rep. Michele Bachmann, she with the crazy eyes who always makes with the crazy talk. In retrospect, you guys are fucking retarded, because you elected this loon AND a pro wrestler. You're stupider than California's cowboy-and-future-cyborg electing ass.
Michele Bachmann never has any shortage of crazy things to say, which makes me glad that I live anywhere outside of her district. Her district could be the only option outside of living in a state run by rabid monkeys and I'd still think I was getting better deal living somewhere else. The state I live in right now kept electing Zell Miller who, while also crazy, has the excuse of being senile. Bachmann is only in her 40s, which means she's just like that.
Anyway, yesterday, Bachmann spoke at some teleconference thing called "Keeping Faith for the Unborn," a title that I don't even fully comprehend, and even while surrounded by lots of fellow crazies (including an elected official who called a gay man's murder a "hoax" and another one who refused to concede after she lost her reelection in November) she still managed to make her level of crazy stand out from the rest.
She implored that everyone get down on their knees and pray that health care reform fails. After all, it's not like there's anything in there that could be useful, like preventing insurance companies from denying coverage based on pre-existing conditions.
Then, she reiterated that HR 3200 would create provisions for "death panels," a myth that not only was debunked by people who have been working on the bill (i.e., they've seen the shit), but was mostly promoted by a person who not only doesn't work in Congress at all, but doesn't even have a job. "Thank God Sarah Palin said that," Bachmann is quoted as saying. And I agree. Thank God she said it, because it just drives home the fact that we'll never have to worry about her being President.
To follow that up, a caller asked if there was a plan to require all doctors to perform abortions, and even though she's in Congress and has access to the bills in the works, she didn't say, "No, stupid," because, you know, it's not in the works. She said, “Unless we explicitly restrict these items, I think we can fully expect that these radical pro-abortion individuals could very likely make those decisions."
Yes, lets restrict the items that no one has brought up. "I think we should explicitly restrict publicly dryhumping table legs." "Let's put a ban on broken glass in breakfast cereals. Think about the children."
Then, she called for prayer again, to make sure that health care reform fails. I can't believe that you elected this nut, Minnesota. Even the Republicans acknowledge that some form of health care reform needs to happen. But the idea that this woman would pray to God that things won't get better...well, you deserve what you get. I hope all of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes simultaneously catch fire.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Jim Traber's brain is why I hate sports-talk radio
See, this is why I hate listening to sports-talk radio.
There's no such thing as a reasonable discussion on a lot of shows, because you're too busy fighting off some meathead who won't shut the fuck up. It's like all that's required to be a sports radio host is not knowing how to engage in basic conversational techniques, like "not interrupting" or "using your inside voice."
Turns out a lot of people like for a host to just yell about nothing for four hours. That's why Chris Russo or Rush Limbaugh are so popular. Angry white people are chic in the post-Obama era, like leg warmers. Me, I can't deal with them or failed 80s fashion trends. And I feel especially sorry for the residents of Oklahoma City, who don't seem to have that many options outside of Jim Traber, the latest in a long line of stupid people who shut off their brains and scream into a mic about some imagined moral outrage.
This fucking guy got on the radio earlier in August and bitched about Sonics forward (I will not call them "the Thunder") Nick Collison liking Seattle, because as we all know, you're supposed to sell your fucking soul to the city where your team is based.
Then, Collison called into the show to defend himself because all he did was comment on the weather on his Twitter page. Traber basically told Collison that he should get down on his knees and suck off OKC for accepting the former Sonics, because no one was coming to the games in Seattle. I'm sure Collison was confused, because he doesn't speak Idiot. In Traber's language, "hot" is loosely translated as "Fuck Oklahoma City and all that it stands for in it's stupid gay cowboy ass."
I'm so glad this guy isn't on the air here in Atlanta. It makes me grateful that shows like "The Rude Awakening" are only "boring" and not "dumb as a fence post." See, what Traber doesn't seem to get is that Collison is a grown ass man and can like whatever city he wants, and if Traber doesn't like it, then fuck Traber. It's really just that simple. I pity the listeners who have to sit through Traber's rant on "Toothpaste that Collison likes," or "Collison's favorite Spongebob episodes."
The truth of the matter is, Clay Bennett bought the Seattle Supersonics with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City, which makes him a liar. He never wanted to keep the team in Seattle, because if he did, they'd still be in Seattle. He went up there, went through the motions, and said, "Hey, look, they don't want to build us a new arena, so we're moving. I did everything I could. Look, I even set a deadline." Because if you set a deadline, everything that happens after that is the other guy's fault. You can claim, "They didn't want to meet the conditions." It doesn't matter that the conditions are one-sided or impossible. Like George W.'s deadline for Iraq to turn over it's weapons arsenal, despite the evidence stating that they never had one.
Fuck Clay Bennett. New arenas are not a requirement to compete in the NBA. If the Air Canada Centre (opened 1999) is supposed to be the vanguard that protects the Toronto Raptors from sucking, then it's failing in its stated mission.
Now, if Nick Collison didn't like that, he has every right not to, because in America, we're allowed to like or not like shit. I'm free to think that McDonald's hamburgers have the health benefits of a quart of motor oil or that I'm better than people who watch reality TV. I'm not going to get sent to the gulag for re-education, because it's a free country. But Collison didn't even badmouth OKC, even if it is some pissant, podunk cowtown (or so I've heard). All he said was that it was hot there, and it is unless the Weather Channel and his own perceptions are lying to us. But who lets facts stand in the way of a chance to spit on a microphone in feigned anger?
Collison DID say (in 2008) that he didn't want to leave Seattle and he still has a home there. Traber doesn't like that he feels that way, because in his mind, I guess a contract with the team should overtake pesky things like "ties to a particular location." But like I said before, fuck Traber. Who gets mad about shit like this?
Thing is, like Collison repeatedly said, liking Seattle has nothing to do with Oklahoma City, but who has time to listen to a rational argument? Traber's still got piss and vinegar to use up. The Sonics could have moved to Kansas City or Albequerque or El Paso, and Collison would have likely said the same thing, because it gets hot there, too, asshole. With an stupidity level that high, I'm willing to bet two inches off my dick that he watches Fox News.
If the criticism of your city that you just made up is bothering you that much, then maybe you should work on improving your city. It's not Seattle's or Nick Collison's fault that you think your city sucks. Much like your time spent in locker rooms around the world, it's clear that you have an inferiority complex.
I pity you, Oklahoma City, if this is the best you've got. This is the same guy who bashes ESPN's Bill Simmons for refusing to mention Oklahoma City's name (because he's not from OKC, he sees how shady that move was, too). Between this and Oklahoman sportswriter Jenni Carlson not knowing what the hell she's talking about, I could move out there and clean up. These fucking people are pissed at Nick Collison's geographic preferences, when they could be bitching about something that they actually have free reign to talk about: Those ugly jerseys that their stolen team is forced to wear.
Now that's something that should cause some outrage.
There's no such thing as a reasonable discussion on a lot of shows, because you're too busy fighting off some meathead who won't shut the fuck up. It's like all that's required to be a sports radio host is not knowing how to engage in basic conversational techniques, like "not interrupting" or "using your inside voice."
Turns out a lot of people like for a host to just yell about nothing for four hours. That's why Chris Russo or Rush Limbaugh are so popular. Angry white people are chic in the post-Obama era, like leg warmers. Me, I can't deal with them or failed 80s fashion trends. And I feel especially sorry for the residents of Oklahoma City, who don't seem to have that many options outside of Jim Traber, the latest in a long line of stupid people who shut off their brains and scream into a mic about some imagined moral outrage.
This fucking guy got on the radio earlier in August and bitched about Sonics forward (I will not call them "the Thunder") Nick Collison liking Seattle, because as we all know, you're supposed to sell your fucking soul to the city where your team is based.
Then, Collison called into the show to defend himself because all he did was comment on the weather on his Twitter page. Traber basically told Collison that he should get down on his knees and suck off OKC for accepting the former Sonics, because no one was coming to the games in Seattle. I'm sure Collison was confused, because he doesn't speak Idiot. In Traber's language, "hot" is loosely translated as "Fuck Oklahoma City and all that it stands for in it's stupid gay cowboy ass."
I'm so glad this guy isn't on the air here in Atlanta. It makes me grateful that shows like "The Rude Awakening" are only "boring" and not "dumb as a fence post." See, what Traber doesn't seem to get is that Collison is a grown ass man and can like whatever city he wants, and if Traber doesn't like it, then fuck Traber. It's really just that simple. I pity the listeners who have to sit through Traber's rant on "Toothpaste that Collison likes," or "Collison's favorite Spongebob episodes."
The truth of the matter is, Clay Bennett bought the Seattle Supersonics with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City, which makes him a liar. He never wanted to keep the team in Seattle, because if he did, they'd still be in Seattle. He went up there, went through the motions, and said, "Hey, look, they don't want to build us a new arena, so we're moving. I did everything I could. Look, I even set a deadline." Because if you set a deadline, everything that happens after that is the other guy's fault. You can claim, "They didn't want to meet the conditions." It doesn't matter that the conditions are one-sided or impossible. Like George W.'s deadline for Iraq to turn over it's weapons arsenal, despite the evidence stating that they never had one.
Fuck Clay Bennett. New arenas are not a requirement to compete in the NBA. If the Air Canada Centre (opened 1999) is supposed to be the vanguard that protects the Toronto Raptors from sucking, then it's failing in its stated mission.
Now, if Nick Collison didn't like that, he has every right not to, because in America, we're allowed to like or not like shit. I'm free to think that McDonald's hamburgers have the health benefits of a quart of motor oil or that I'm better than people who watch reality TV. I'm not going to get sent to the gulag for re-education, because it's a free country. But Collison didn't even badmouth OKC, even if it is some pissant, podunk cowtown (or so I've heard). All he said was that it was hot there, and it is unless the Weather Channel and his own perceptions are lying to us. But who lets facts stand in the way of a chance to spit on a microphone in feigned anger?
Collison DID say (in 2008) that he didn't want to leave Seattle and he still has a home there. Traber doesn't like that he feels that way, because in his mind, I guess a contract with the team should overtake pesky things like "ties to a particular location." But like I said before, fuck Traber. Who gets mad about shit like this?
Thing is, like Collison repeatedly said, liking Seattle has nothing to do with Oklahoma City, but who has time to listen to a rational argument? Traber's still got piss and vinegar to use up. The Sonics could have moved to Kansas City or Albequerque or El Paso, and Collison would have likely said the same thing, because it gets hot there, too, asshole. With an stupidity level that high, I'm willing to bet two inches off my dick that he watches Fox News.
If the criticism of your city that you just made up is bothering you that much, then maybe you should work on improving your city. It's not Seattle's or Nick Collison's fault that you think your city sucks. Much like your time spent in locker rooms around the world, it's clear that you have an inferiority complex.
I pity you, Oklahoma City, if this is the best you've got. This is the same guy who bashes ESPN's Bill Simmons for refusing to mention Oklahoma City's name (because he's not from OKC, he sees how shady that move was, too). Between this and Oklahoman sportswriter Jenni Carlson not knowing what the hell she's talking about, I could move out there and clean up. These fucking people are pissed at Nick Collison's geographic preferences, when they could be bitching about something that they actually have free reign to talk about: Those ugly jerseys that their stolen team is forced to wear.
Now that's something that should cause some outrage.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Why You Suck at Twittering
I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm some kind of interesting person, because if people saw what I spent most of my time doing, they'd say, "I can't believe I wanted to have sex with you in college." Why would I delude myself into thinking that anyone cared that I was at Wal-Mart, or on the train, or eating graham crackers? Would you really care to know any of that shit?
No, but millions seem to think that every boring aspect of their lives are worthy of broadcasting to the world. Because we should all stop everything we're doing to read 140 characters worth of "I'm watching David and Victoria on The View." That's a great weight off my mind, funkygirl354. You keep that up and the TV Guide Channel will begging to buy out the valuable service that you're providing.
Seriously, your life can't be so boring that you can't think up anything else to tell us. "Sitting in the park" is the best you can do? You didn't see two homeless guys fighting or a car fire or a dog humping a cat on the way to work today? No clever anecdotes from the morning show crew? Didn't Jealous Chick #1 act catty towards Jealous Chick #5 on "Real Housewives of El Segundo" last night? All of the shit going on around you and all you got to tell us is "I'm wearing my favorite blue shirt today. Yay!" You didn't even have the good sense to pick out an interesting piece of clothing.
Lots of people simply comment on the day's events or a religious passage or someone pissing them off at work. There are a lot of things happening out there to talk about that could start an interesting conversation or just give a little insight into who you are. "Standing in line at the QT" is not one of those statements.
If you're one of those fucking people, you're probably wondering why no one ever comments on your various pages. After all, who couldn't resist following up on a nugget like, "Walking into The Hose Barrel for another pair of support hose." All of the hard work you put into assembling these things, and no one seems to care. Well, in case you're not getting it, no one cares about the mundane details of your life, as interesting as you might think pantyhose shopping might be.
Seriously, I can't let you keep going through life thinking that we care about the minutia of anyone's life. We don't. Stop it, because you're only abusing the technology, like people who're using genetics as a way to cure disease instead of creating organ farms, like God intended.
Only famous people can get away with talking about unimportant shit, because we like to know what our social betters are doing at all times. When Shaq tweets about sitting in a fancy restaurant, it gives us a glimpse into the private life of a magnetic personality. When you tweet about going to Ruby Tuesday, it's just one more dull thing you've done that day. What's the point in telling people about the exact same shit that they're doing in their own lives? You're not giving us anything new or unique; a different slant on life here on Earth. I can go do the same thing, only I've got the good fucking sense to keep it all to myself.
No one's going to care if I say, "Eating with person-you-don't-know @ Golden Corral." That's just another tweet that tells me that you're incredibly uninteresting. A sentence like that is supposed to be the opening to a much larger, more interesting story, like, "...then a dancing bear came in, covered in his former master's remnants and dragged three people away." It should not be the entire story, because if you told someone that in real life, they'd say to you, and I quote, "Who gives a fuck?"
Now, if you tweeted "Having a steak and ice cream eating contest with Larry @ Golden Corral; If I don't win soon, the cleanup crew is gonna hate me," now that's something that can get folks' attention. No one's gonna think you're cool, but they will know that you are a disgusting glutton, and that's something they can sink their teeth into. We live in a YouTube age, and nothing gets more attention than someone who's willing to let their life unravel before our very eyes. Imagine the possibilities. Can you imagine what would have happened if Michael Jackson had gotten caught up in Twitter?
That's really what it's all about: We just want to be entertained, provoked, poked, prodded, or something. Give us something to make us think, to make us laugh, smile, angry, just react in some kind of way. Tell us what's on your mind, have an opinion about something. Or maybe you should let us watch you self-destruct. Whether it's the "Leave Britney Alone" guy or Stephon Marbury, having an emotional meltdown in front of the world is a surefire way to make people care what's going on in your world.
That's what this crap is here for in the first place: Getting attention. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be trying (and failing) so hard to get it by pulling back the curtain and revealing the mystery of how you order your latte at Starbucks.
No, but millions seem to think that every boring aspect of their lives are worthy of broadcasting to the world. Because we should all stop everything we're doing to read 140 characters worth of "I'm watching David and Victoria on The View." That's a great weight off my mind, funkygirl354. You keep that up and the TV Guide Channel will begging to buy out the valuable service that you're providing.
Seriously, your life can't be so boring that you can't think up anything else to tell us. "Sitting in the park" is the best you can do? You didn't see two homeless guys fighting or a car fire or a dog humping a cat on the way to work today? No clever anecdotes from the morning show crew? Didn't Jealous Chick #1 act catty towards Jealous Chick #5 on "Real Housewives of El Segundo" last night? All of the shit going on around you and all you got to tell us is "I'm wearing my favorite blue shirt today. Yay!" You didn't even have the good sense to pick out an interesting piece of clothing.
Lots of people simply comment on the day's events or a religious passage or someone pissing them off at work. There are a lot of things happening out there to talk about that could start an interesting conversation or just give a little insight into who you are. "Standing in line at the QT" is not one of those statements.
If you're one of those fucking people, you're probably wondering why no one ever comments on your various pages. After all, who couldn't resist following up on a nugget like, "Walking into The Hose Barrel for another pair of support hose." All of the hard work you put into assembling these things, and no one seems to care. Well, in case you're not getting it, no one cares about the mundane details of your life, as interesting as you might think pantyhose shopping might be.
Seriously, I can't let you keep going through life thinking that we care about the minutia of anyone's life. We don't. Stop it, because you're only abusing the technology, like people who're using genetics as a way to cure disease instead of creating organ farms, like God intended.
Only famous people can get away with talking about unimportant shit, because we like to know what our social betters are doing at all times. When Shaq tweets about sitting in a fancy restaurant, it gives us a glimpse into the private life of a magnetic personality. When you tweet about going to Ruby Tuesday, it's just one more dull thing you've done that day. What's the point in telling people about the exact same shit that they're doing in their own lives? You're not giving us anything new or unique; a different slant on life here on Earth. I can go do the same thing, only I've got the good fucking sense to keep it all to myself.
No one's going to care if I say, "Eating with person-you-don't-know @ Golden Corral." That's just another tweet that tells me that you're incredibly uninteresting. A sentence like that is supposed to be the opening to a much larger, more interesting story, like, "...then a dancing bear came in, covered in his former master's remnants and dragged three people away." It should not be the entire story, because if you told someone that in real life, they'd say to you, and I quote, "Who gives a fuck?"
Now, if you tweeted "Having a steak and ice cream eating contest with Larry @ Golden Corral; If I don't win soon, the cleanup crew is gonna hate me," now that's something that can get folks' attention. No one's gonna think you're cool, but they will know that you are a disgusting glutton, and that's something they can sink their teeth into. We live in a YouTube age, and nothing gets more attention than someone who's willing to let their life unravel before our very eyes. Imagine the possibilities. Can you imagine what would have happened if Michael Jackson had gotten caught up in Twitter?
That's really what it's all about: We just want to be entertained, provoked, poked, prodded, or something. Give us something to make us think, to make us laugh, smile, angry, just react in some kind of way. Tell us what's on your mind, have an opinion about something. Or maybe you should let us watch you self-destruct. Whether it's the "Leave Britney Alone" guy or Stephon Marbury, having an emotional meltdown in front of the world is a surefire way to make people care what's going on in your world.
That's what this crap is here for in the first place: Getting attention. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be trying (and failing) so hard to get it by pulling back the curtain and revealing the mystery of how you order your latte at Starbucks.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Forever Suffering From Favre Fatigue
Brett Favre. Are we finally done talking about him for a few months? I'm gonna need a rest from being swamped in Favre Fever. It's like botulism, but with more vomiting. But the only thing I can think about is that when January comes, we're going to be right back here again.
That's the problem with all of this. This makes, what? Six years of Brett Favre retirement speculation, with two and a half actual retirements (the half was from just a month ago, where he told the Vikings that he was staying retired). I probably should even say this, but fuck it: I feel sorry for his wife, because we all know how women love a decisive man.
Look, I understand that retirement from sports can be a difficult thing. You're being forced to give up a game that you've played since you were a kid, a game that, in your mind, you never stop being able to play well. I get that. Professional athletes are generally retired by 40 (except tennis players, who retire by 25). That's a young age. It's not the 1700s anymore. You've still got half of your life left to live, and Lord knows your trophy wife doesn't want you spending it around the house.
But can we get you to pick a side and stick with it? You're not being asked about foreign relations with North Korea; We're just talking about whether or not you're going to keep playing a game that you still want to play.
For three years, sportsmedia was held hostage in the offseason by the prospect that Brett Favre, the eternal child, could retire. Not that he had announced that he would, but that he might. All Brett Favre had to do was nip this crap in the bud and say, "Hey, asshole. I'm not retiring. I'm only 35."
But he didn't do that. And sportsmedia apparently fell in love with the idea of digging in Favre's garbage, checking his used tissues, and dispatching CIA helicopters to wherever he is, so it continued, even when he actually did retire. Thing is, no one believed that he was really retired. And clearly, neither did he, because he spent the first few months of retirement trying to get traded.
Now, why couldn't he just say, "No, I'm not retired." How hard would that have been? Instead, we had to sit through his press conference, where he got all emotional and teary-eyed, and damn near electrocuted himself on the microphone. We had to read everyone's half-assed tributes to Brett Favre <(including my own). He knew all along that he wasn't staying in Hattiesburg. Have you ever been to Hattiesburg? If there weren't stoplights in the middle of town, there would be no reason to stop.
And after forcing a trade to the Jets (because no one would have been dumb enough to trade him to their biggest rival), he decided that he had to up the ante a little bit. Of course, he doesn't know that he wants to go through training camp again (the same bullshit that he's fed you since 2004), but he also needs surgery on his throwing arm! And he's 39! How tough must he be to do all of that at 39? Maybe those Wrangler jeans commercials were right.
You're not fooling me, Brett. You're setting up a return that will pave the way for beatification. If all goes as planned, one day, people will tell their grandkids about the time a 40 year old Brett Favre stopped a sniper's bullet from killing the President with his surgically repaired shoulder. Phases one, two, and three are now complete. And now, we wait. Oh, yes. It's just a matter of time before everyone is wearing St. Brett medals, the patron saint of indecision and media oversaturation.
Didn't you learn anything from Michael Jordan on how to retire? Sure, he came back one too many times, but the difference between his retirements and St. Brett's is that Michael actually retired, let us think about something else, like the Lewinsky scandal, and when he came back, we gave a shit. I don't think the NFL is going to devote the Pro Bowl to glorifying Brett Favre's career, because they're gonna be pissed when they spend all that money and he's got football fans by the balls again next season. And they wonder why fans throw batteries from the upper deck.
All of this could be avoided by Brett Favre opening his mouth and saying, "Yes, I'm coming back," or "No, I'm retiring." Exhaling three or four words isn't going to shave any time off of your life. If you were so worried about that, you wouldn't have played a violent contact sport for 16 years. 16 years that's likely to turn into 17. Or 18. I need a drink.
All of this Machiavellian scheming just so he can stick it to Packers GM Ted Thompson. Now, how petty is that?
On Comparisons to the Nazis...
Okay...let's get this straight:
Comparing Bush to the Nazis is one thing, because right before Hitler started doing all sorts of crazy shit, he took away certain civil liberties of the populace, namely, gun ownership. The Bush Administration was attempting to take away certain civil liberties with the Patriot Act, namely anything relating to "habeas corpus." I'm sure even Bush didn't believe you'd let him get away with that one.
Comparing Obama to the Nazis is fucking crazy, because the only reason anyone believes he's a socialist is because right-wing radio told them that he was. And if you believe them, you'll probably believe me when I tell you that, with practice, you can open gills inside your lungs that allow you to breathe underwater. The only connection between the two is that "Nazi" happens to be shorthand for "National Socialist."
Yet, we got crazy fuckers out there, just slinging the Hitler tag around, like it's the latest slang. Some lady, with the infinite wisdom that makes her a regular viewer of Fox News, yelled "Heil Hitler" at a Jewish man who was talking about health care. It's not even like the guy was an Americanized Jew, like Jon Stewart or Goldberg. This guy spoke with a thick accent and said, "I am from Israel." It takes a special kind of retardation to scream that at a Jew. The kind that it takes to make the argument that white people not being able to call black people "nigger" is a restriction of free speech.
What did Hitler even have to do with the conversation? They were talking about the $8,000 that the Jewish guy spent in the emergency room.
We shouldn't even listen to people who think like this, because if these are valid arguments, then so is the argument that redheaded children contain the soul of the Devil, or that the cancellation of "Touched by an Angel" is proof that the FCC hates Christians. Since we're throwing handfuls of crazy shit at our elected officials like zoo monkeys, let's add that stuff in, too, because those are the pressing concerns that we need to bring the national discourse.
Here's hoping that we have more episodes like the one Barney Frank just gave us. I'm not gay, but if I was, I would totally take a run at him after this.
Comparing Bush to the Nazis is one thing, because right before Hitler started doing all sorts of crazy shit, he took away certain civil liberties of the populace, namely, gun ownership. The Bush Administration was attempting to take away certain civil liberties with the Patriot Act, namely anything relating to "habeas corpus." I'm sure even Bush didn't believe you'd let him get away with that one.
Comparing Obama to the Nazis is fucking crazy, because the only reason anyone believes he's a socialist is because right-wing radio told them that he was. And if you believe them, you'll probably believe me when I tell you that, with practice, you can open gills inside your lungs that allow you to breathe underwater. The only connection between the two is that "Nazi" happens to be shorthand for "National Socialist."
Yet, we got crazy fuckers out there, just slinging the Hitler tag around, like it's the latest slang. Some lady, with the infinite wisdom that makes her a regular viewer of Fox News, yelled "Heil Hitler" at a Jewish man who was talking about health care. It's not even like the guy was an Americanized Jew, like Jon Stewart or Goldberg. This guy spoke with a thick accent and said, "I am from Israel." It takes a special kind of retardation to scream that at a Jew. The kind that it takes to make the argument that white people not being able to call black people "nigger" is a restriction of free speech.
What did Hitler even have to do with the conversation? They were talking about the $8,000 that the Jewish guy spent in the emergency room.
We shouldn't even listen to people who think like this, because if these are valid arguments, then so is the argument that redheaded children contain the soul of the Devil, or that the cancellation of "Touched by an Angel" is proof that the FCC hates Christians. Since we're throwing handfuls of crazy shit at our elected officials like zoo monkeys, let's add that stuff in, too, because those are the pressing concerns that we need to bring the national discourse.
Here's hoping that we have more episodes like the one Barney Frank just gave us. I'm not gay, but if I was, I would totally take a run at him after this.
Monday, August 17, 2009
On Black People and Dogs....
Let's just get it out there: Historically speaking, black people and white people just don't view dogs the same way. Black people's attitudes towards dogs are softening towards dogs, probably because many of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s remember our parents basically not giving a shit about the dog.
We had a dog that wasn't allowed inside to do anything except eat. We chained him to a tree in the backyard all day and at night, he slept in the garage. We had another, smaller dog who was allowed in the house, but when he needed surgery on his leg, we just ignored it. Shit, he wasn't whining about it and he could still run, so we just figured he was fine. We gave that dog away when we moved to England, because my parents weren't willing to pay for him to be quarantined for six months. The last we heard of him, my uncle was dropping him off on the interstate because that solution was easier than actually curing him of worms.
Growing up, we had dogs around the house, but they really weren't like members of the family. They were just our dogs. They weren't like hairier, stupider cousins or anything. They didn't lick us in the face or sleep in our beds or anything like that. They were dogs and we were people. There was a clear dividing line.
Now, the same parents who wouldn't let George in the house or get surgery on Rudy basically adopted my dog, Chico III, regularly take him to the vet, gave him his own room, and my mother is probably feeding him potato chips right now. Black attitudes as it relates to dogs has changed over the years. Which isn't to say that we're all "enlightened" about the love and devotion of dogs. I have an uncle that's from the old school, back in the days when you tied your dog to a truck rim, so he'd strengthen his chest muscles.
But it wasn't that long ago that we all laughed at black comedians who told jokes about how we treated dogs, and how weird white people were for treating their dogs like extra children. I remember some comedian telling a joke about how white people would spend any amount of money to fix their dogs and how funny that was, because there was Rudy, hobbling around the house. I felt bad for Rudy, but it was just understood that you didn't spend money like that on your dogs.
Fifteen years later, Samson is sleeping in my bed with me. Three years after that, I took in a stray puppy that I would name Chico. I couldn't imagine that sort of thing when I was a kid. We're changing.
But in our minds, most of us still don't think that the life of a dog is worth that of a human. We love our dogs, but we're not taking a bullet for one. We just don't view them the same as white people do. Which is why we're not completely mortified when we think of Michael Vick. To us, he did wrong, but it wasn't worth all of what he's had to go through. And it really isn't worth his continued harassment.
We don't think he's evil. We don't think he's a sociopath. He's just a guy who made a mistake, like many other people. And we believe he's paid his debt to society. He should be left alone. The crime was horrific, yes, but we don't think he's capable of being a serial killer. When I was 14, I watched a girl lift her dog up by the ears and throw him down the stairs. She thought it was hilarious. But I don't think she was crazy. Well, at the time I did, but that was because her older sister had spent two years pretending to be pregnanat. That kind of crazy tends to rub off on younger siblings.
Our views on dogs are simply a cultural difference, like why we like Newports and bass guitar. Some stuff just appeals to us and we can't always explain it. We just weren't brought up viewing dogs the same way, eating off of our plates and shit like that. Sorry. We do agree that dogfighting is wrong, though. Most of us. We might have some real bama (backwoods, country) cousins who still do it. Hell, I have relatives who still don't have bank accounts.
We had a dog that wasn't allowed inside to do anything except eat. We chained him to a tree in the backyard all day and at night, he slept in the garage. We had another, smaller dog who was allowed in the house, but when he needed surgery on his leg, we just ignored it. Shit, he wasn't whining about it and he could still run, so we just figured he was fine. We gave that dog away when we moved to England, because my parents weren't willing to pay for him to be quarantined for six months. The last we heard of him, my uncle was dropping him off on the interstate because that solution was easier than actually curing him of worms.
Growing up, we had dogs around the house, but they really weren't like members of the family. They were just our dogs. They weren't like hairier, stupider cousins or anything. They didn't lick us in the face or sleep in our beds or anything like that. They were dogs and we were people. There was a clear dividing line.
Now, the same parents who wouldn't let George in the house or get surgery on Rudy basically adopted my dog, Chico III, regularly take him to the vet, gave him his own room, and my mother is probably feeding him potato chips right now. Black attitudes as it relates to dogs has changed over the years. Which isn't to say that we're all "enlightened" about the love and devotion of dogs. I have an uncle that's from the old school, back in the days when you tied your dog to a truck rim, so he'd strengthen his chest muscles.
But it wasn't that long ago that we all laughed at black comedians who told jokes about how we treated dogs, and how weird white people were for treating their dogs like extra children. I remember some comedian telling a joke about how white people would spend any amount of money to fix their dogs and how funny that was, because there was Rudy, hobbling around the house. I felt bad for Rudy, but it was just understood that you didn't spend money like that on your dogs.
Fifteen years later, Samson is sleeping in my bed with me. Three years after that, I took in a stray puppy that I would name Chico. I couldn't imagine that sort of thing when I was a kid. We're changing.
But in our minds, most of us still don't think that the life of a dog is worth that of a human. We love our dogs, but we're not taking a bullet for one. We just don't view them the same as white people do. Which is why we're not completely mortified when we think of Michael Vick. To us, he did wrong, but it wasn't worth all of what he's had to go through. And it really isn't worth his continued harassment.
We don't think he's evil. We don't think he's a sociopath. He's just a guy who made a mistake, like many other people. And we believe he's paid his debt to society. He should be left alone. The crime was horrific, yes, but we don't think he's capable of being a serial killer. When I was 14, I watched a girl lift her dog up by the ears and throw him down the stairs. She thought it was hilarious. But I don't think she was crazy. Well, at the time I did, but that was because her older sister had spent two years pretending to be pregnanat. That kind of crazy tends to rub off on younger siblings.
Our views on dogs are simply a cultural difference, like why we like Newports and bass guitar. Some stuff just appeals to us and we can't always explain it. We just weren't brought up viewing dogs the same way, eating off of our plates and shit like that. Sorry. We do agree that dogfighting is wrong, though. Most of us. We might have some real bama (backwoods, country) cousins who still do it. Hell, I have relatives who still don't have bank accounts.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Let him lose a game for you before you start being critical
Michael Vick has been an Eagle for less than 24 hours and already, the country is in an uproar. It's almost as if it flares up every time something good happens to him. He gets out of jail, but "he should still be locked up." He gets conditionally reinstated, but "he should never play again." The Eagles sign him to a one year deal, and suddenly, "The Eagles have no character."
I would think that this shows how much character the Eagles do have. What kind of message would it send if they didn't take him because, "Michael Vick isn't worthy of a second chance?" What does that say about America? I thought this country was all about second chances?
Just for the record, I don't believe that "second chance" crap at all. There are people who still haven't forgiven Metallica for cutting their hair.
But some of the things that people are saying are really ridiculous and I just don't understand them. I'm pretty sure Michael Vick doesn't understand them either, but that's what you get when you settle for a Virginia Tech education (hey-ho!). I don't speak for Vick, but I do speak for me, and methinks you sound like an idiot when you make the following statements:
"What has Michael Vick done to show that he's a changed man?"
I'm really sick of hearing this one. What has he done? He went to jail. In America, there's no "kiss-ass" clause that you have to meet before you resume your life after prison. You serve your time, you serve your probation, and you go about your business. I've never read the entire penal code before, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing in there about "groveling before a self-righteous population." If there was, we'd have higher recidivism rate than we already do.
"He hasn't shown remorse for his crimes."
First, you don't know that. It's just that when you believe it's all about you, you believe that he has to do it where you can see it. You didn't see him in jail. You don't know what he did in there or after he got out. And he doesn't owe any of you and explanation.
What are we, ostriches? It didn't happen because our heads were in the sand? Just because it didn't happen in front of you doesn't mean it didn't happen. That's like assuming that just because you didn't see the Bush Administration stealing your civil liberties doesn't mean they didn't actually do it. Meanwhile, you're sitting in jail on a "dissenting thought pattern" charge.
How do you show remorse, anyway? What, do you want him to get out there and cry? The Humane Society has already taken his money, so he can't give that away. What more do you want from him? I really don't understand what people expect him to do to "show remorse." Thing is, this is the first time anyone's ever been expected to show remorse. No one was looking for Mike Tyson to be contrite after he went to jail for rape. We just let him go right back into the ring. Are they going to ask Donte Stallworth to "show remorse" for his crime? Maybe if he got out there and softshoed for you, you'd leave him alone.
For fuck's sake, are you afraid he's going to stomp puppies into a stain for good luck before he goes onto the field?
"Playing football isn't a right; it's a privilege."
So is working at Burger King.
What if you went to jail for running a meth lab or whatever you do, and when you tried to get your job back stocking shelves at Food Depot, but they told you, "Working at Food Depot isn't a right; it's a privilege," before security escorted you out?
I don't even know what this has to do with anything. It's not like he's being disrespectful towards anyone while he tries to get his life back. He's not taking anything for granted here, because if he was, he'd be giving the world a totally different message than he is right now. He's not even a troublemaker, as troublemakers go. He's not Pacman Jones. It's just that the one time he REALLY got in trouble, he REALLY got in trouble.
"I hate Michael Vick."
I hate Kanye West, but it didn't keep "808s and Heartbreak" from going platinum. No one cares.
Look, Jesus is considered by many to be perfect, and he wouldn't piss and moan about this. You know why? Because he's all about forgiveness (and NOT judging), which is why he defended that professional snakeslurper against an angry mob. He also has scary, supernatural powers, and if I had those, I wouldn't care about your earthly affairs, either. But even he would let this go. Everyone makes mistakes, and at some point, we have to atone for those mistakes. He has. And even if you hate what he did (which you're certainly right to do), rubbing his face in it forever isn't going make things right. You're the one who's angry. He just signed a million dollar contract and is trying to atone for his sins. Hell, give him a chance to do it. Do you people ever read your Bibles?
Because at the end of the day, dude...really. It's just football.
I would think that this shows how much character the Eagles do have. What kind of message would it send if they didn't take him because, "Michael Vick isn't worthy of a second chance?" What does that say about America? I thought this country was all about second chances?
Just for the record, I don't believe that "second chance" crap at all. There are people who still haven't forgiven Metallica for cutting their hair.
But some of the things that people are saying are really ridiculous and I just don't understand them. I'm pretty sure Michael Vick doesn't understand them either, but that's what you get when you settle for a Virginia Tech education (hey-ho!). I don't speak for Vick, but I do speak for me, and methinks you sound like an idiot when you make the following statements:
"What has Michael Vick done to show that he's a changed man?"
I'm really sick of hearing this one. What has he done? He went to jail. In America, there's no "kiss-ass" clause that you have to meet before you resume your life after prison. You serve your time, you serve your probation, and you go about your business. I've never read the entire penal code before, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing in there about "groveling before a self-righteous population." If there was, we'd have higher recidivism rate than we already do.
"He hasn't shown remorse for his crimes."
First, you don't know that. It's just that when you believe it's all about you, you believe that he has to do it where you can see it. You didn't see him in jail. You don't know what he did in there or after he got out. And he doesn't owe any of you and explanation.
What are we, ostriches? It didn't happen because our heads were in the sand? Just because it didn't happen in front of you doesn't mean it didn't happen. That's like assuming that just because you didn't see the Bush Administration stealing your civil liberties doesn't mean they didn't actually do it. Meanwhile, you're sitting in jail on a "dissenting thought pattern" charge.
How do you show remorse, anyway? What, do you want him to get out there and cry? The Humane Society has already taken his money, so he can't give that away. What more do you want from him? I really don't understand what people expect him to do to "show remorse." Thing is, this is the first time anyone's ever been expected to show remorse. No one was looking for Mike Tyson to be contrite after he went to jail for rape. We just let him go right back into the ring. Are they going to ask Donte Stallworth to "show remorse" for his crime? Maybe if he got out there and softshoed for you, you'd leave him alone.
For fuck's sake, are you afraid he's going to stomp puppies into a stain for good luck before he goes onto the field?
"Playing football isn't a right; it's a privilege."
So is working at Burger King.
What if you went to jail for running a meth lab or whatever you do, and when you tried to get your job back stocking shelves at Food Depot, but they told you, "Working at Food Depot isn't a right; it's a privilege," before security escorted you out?
I don't even know what this has to do with anything. It's not like he's being disrespectful towards anyone while he tries to get his life back. He's not taking anything for granted here, because if he was, he'd be giving the world a totally different message than he is right now. He's not even a troublemaker, as troublemakers go. He's not Pacman Jones. It's just that the one time he REALLY got in trouble, he REALLY got in trouble.
"I hate Michael Vick."
I hate Kanye West, but it didn't keep "808s and Heartbreak" from going platinum. No one cares.
Look, Jesus is considered by many to be perfect, and he wouldn't piss and moan about this. You know why? Because he's all about forgiveness (and NOT judging), which is why he defended that professional snakeslurper against an angry mob. He also has scary, supernatural powers, and if I had those, I wouldn't care about your earthly affairs, either. But even he would let this go. Everyone makes mistakes, and at some point, we have to atone for those mistakes. He has. And even if you hate what he did (which you're certainly right to do), rubbing his face in it forever isn't going make things right. You're the one who's angry. He just signed a million dollar contract and is trying to atone for his sins. Hell, give him a chance to do it. Do you people ever read your Bibles?
Because at the end of the day, dude...really. It's just football.
A letter I just sent to the Atlanta Journal Constitution (through MoveOn.org)
Slaying the socialist bogeyman
You know, a lot of people are trying to scare others by saying things like, "Business are going to drop their employees from their coverage," or "Our country is going socialist."
Well, if health care reform is passed, at least if people get dropped from their coverage, they'll have SOMETHING. I can't believe that people are so fiercely loyal to insurance companies, when they could care less about YOU. They'll drop you faster than Atlanta turned on Michael Vick over the tiniest thing. "Gee, Mr. Smith. We didn't know you had SARS in 2001. We can't cover you."
And why does socialism scare you so much? I'm not saying that we should turn our country into Communist Russia, but I am saying, let's all calm down a smidge, because it's not like the free market invented the eight-hour workday or labor laws. Those are socialist acts. Capitalism is all about exploiting resources, which you are to them. A resource that hasn't been fully exploited yet.
Anyone who's ever taken an economics class knows that pure capitalism won't work. Neither will pure socialism. It takes a mixture of the two to balance them out. And much to the chagrin of some people, socialism has been balancing out our country for a long time.
So calm down when people tell you that we're not the America that they grew up in. Personally, I think that's a good thing, because I don't think a pre-Civil Rights America would be a good place for someone like me. The world changes. Deal with it.
So we add a socialist policy here and there. So what...we're still America. Look, we instituted public schools, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. All socialist ideas, and last I checked, Rome hadn't caught fire just yet.
This health care thing is no big deal, if they can make it deficit-neutral, which I believe they can. If not, then fine...lose your minds, rioting in the streets. But if not, then stand down and let the people who need it have it, because it's not about YOU right now.
We're happy for you being able to afford your private health insurance. That's great and I'm glad you can. But what about someone who simply can't? What are they supposed to do?
I have a friend who was deployed to Iraq back in 2003, when the whole thing first started (I hope he doesn't mind me telling this story). When he got back, he got out and a few months later, he contracted a disease that put him in a coma for three months. He woke up to a bill of over $110,000. With no insurance. Now, what's he supposed to do?
People say that we can just get insurance through their jobs, but what if the job doesn't offer it? What if it's still too expensive? I had a job that offered it at about $180 a month, but everyone who worked there made $10 an hour or less. These are people with families. No one could afford it, so no one got it.
No one's saying you have to sign up for it, but there are a lot of people out there who want it. Keep your private insurance, because it's not going anywhere. It's still America. And America is predicated on "freedom of choice." We're choosing a public option for ourselves.
As a final dig to people who fear socialism, America's also predicated on the phrase, "All men are created equal." If that's not socialist, I don't know what is.
You know, a lot of people are trying to scare others by saying things like, "Business are going to drop their employees from their coverage," or "Our country is going socialist."
Well, if health care reform is passed, at least if people get dropped from their coverage, they'll have SOMETHING. I can't believe that people are so fiercely loyal to insurance companies, when they could care less about YOU. They'll drop you faster than Atlanta turned on Michael Vick over the tiniest thing. "Gee, Mr. Smith. We didn't know you had SARS in 2001. We can't cover you."
And why does socialism scare you so much? I'm not saying that we should turn our country into Communist Russia, but I am saying, let's all calm down a smidge, because it's not like the free market invented the eight-hour workday or labor laws. Those are socialist acts. Capitalism is all about exploiting resources, which you are to them. A resource that hasn't been fully exploited yet.
Anyone who's ever taken an economics class knows that pure capitalism won't work. Neither will pure socialism. It takes a mixture of the two to balance them out. And much to the chagrin of some people, socialism has been balancing out our country for a long time.
So calm down when people tell you that we're not the America that they grew up in. Personally, I think that's a good thing, because I don't think a pre-Civil Rights America would be a good place for someone like me. The world changes. Deal with it.
So we add a socialist policy here and there. So what...we're still America. Look, we instituted public schools, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. All socialist ideas, and last I checked, Rome hadn't caught fire just yet.
This health care thing is no big deal, if they can make it deficit-neutral, which I believe they can. If not, then fine...lose your minds, rioting in the streets. But if not, then stand down and let the people who need it have it, because it's not about YOU right now.
We're happy for you being able to afford your private health insurance. That's great and I'm glad you can. But what about someone who simply can't? What are they supposed to do?
I have a friend who was deployed to Iraq back in 2003, when the whole thing first started (I hope he doesn't mind me telling this story). When he got back, he got out and a few months later, he contracted a disease that put him in a coma for three months. He woke up to a bill of over $110,000. With no insurance. Now, what's he supposed to do?
People say that we can just get insurance through their jobs, but what if the job doesn't offer it? What if it's still too expensive? I had a job that offered it at about $180 a month, but everyone who worked there made $10 an hour or less. These are people with families. No one could afford it, so no one got it.
No one's saying you have to sign up for it, but there are a lot of people out there who want it. Keep your private insurance, because it's not going anywhere. It's still America. And America is predicated on "freedom of choice." We're choosing a public option for ourselves.
As a final dig to people who fear socialism, America's also predicated on the phrase, "All men are created equal." If that's not socialist, I don't know what is.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Why the fuck are you putting your dick there?
You know, there was a time when people weren't just outward perverts.
Back in the olden days, people were too tired from working the North 40 or raising nine kids (with one on the way) to worry about what got them off. Sure, the men got their nut off, but we all know that a strong wind can get a man off. And the woman's only hope for pleasure was hoping that a movie would one day be made about life on the Oklahoman frontier, starring Scarlett Johansson, with Hugh Jackman as the journeyman field hand, whose gruff exterior hides the irresistable and tender heart of a poet within.
Basically, no one had the time for that crap, because we had shit to do. Back then, it was either get to work or DIE. We couldn't go to Wal-Mart and grab two boxes of Hamburger Helper, because back then, if we didn't plant the crops in August, we weren't gonna have shit to eat in April.
But now, people are just fucking crazy. People will have sex withalmost anything, and that includes cars, lampposts, imaginary creatures, and are somehow aroused by the idea of this. I don't understand how, but yes, there are people out there who get off on the idea of cooking and eating other people. I seem to remember a story from years ago about a guy in France who let another guy chop off, cook, and eat his penis. I'm not proud of that memory, and I think I might be more messed up than they are for remembering it.
Now, however much time it took to figure out that it takes shit like that to get you off, that's how many more hours we need to add to the workday.
I'm not saying that people are wrong for their sexual fetishes, and I don't even wonder how far it will go, because that will inevitably lead back to "2 Girls 1 Cup," and none of us want that. I'm just wondering when someone found the time to figure out that they liked having sex with picnic tables.
I also want to know why someone thought that actually giving it a name would be more productive than public ridicule.
Because, let's face it, there's something wrong with a person who visits graveyards on the hope that a ghost will try to have sex with him. I'd think he was slightly more normal if he just dug up the corpse and had his way. And either way, that person needs to either be made fun of heavily sedated. You just shouldn't put your dick in certain places.
It's not like we don't all have our fetishes. It's just that some of our fetishes today cross the line from, "shit you might stumble across in the bedroom," to "what's your straight jacket size?" I mean, when it comes to normal fetishes, I've got no room to talk about anyone, because I shamelessly threw myself at a girl once just because she had pretty feet. But I assume that's somewhat normal, because it's something that involves a living, breathing, creature and a normal part of her body. Hell, I had a girl once tell me she wanted to suck my teeth. I didn't get it, but who am I to judge? It's not like she said, "rub your dick cheese all over me."
There's a clear line between that stuff and humping a tree. How do you know that you'll enjoy that, and how is it that the urge is so irresistable that you just have to do it during your lunch hour in the park?
The weirdness factor of sexual fetishes should rank on a scale of "How Comfortable I'd Be Explaining This To My Parents." The foot thing would be awkward, but who knows, my dad might understand and have a similar story that I don't want to hear. I don't think anyone would want to have the conversation about why their little girl has that guy's dick in their mouth, but it's not like Mom doesn't understand. How do you think she landed Dad in the first place? It wasn't her personality, I'll tell you that.
But if Mom and Dad burst in the room and caught you and your lover rubbing your own shit on each other, that would be a little hard to explain. I can only imagine what the parents of the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" video think about their daughters. "Get your own plate, Jenny. I've seen where your mouth has been."
So if you don't think your parents can handle it when the police tell them, "We caught your son humping the neighbor's tailpipe. No, sir, that's not a euphemism. '08 Mustang, ma'am," then maybe you should try not to fuck cars. If you don't think you can face your parents after they bail you out for sexing up the neighbor's horse for the second time, then maybe you should try to control yourself. The very least you can do, for your own pride, and your parents' mental health is to just buy your own house and do all the wild shit you want to inside those walls. If not for yourself, then for them.
There's no way a story that humiliating won't lead off the evening news. And thanks your inability to control yourself, they're going for forever known as the parents of "the guy who got his dick caught in a park bench." The family reunion suddenly got a little more awkward.
Back in the olden days, people were too tired from working the North 40 or raising nine kids (with one on the way) to worry about what got them off. Sure, the men got their nut off, but we all know that a strong wind can get a man off. And the woman's only hope for pleasure was hoping that a movie would one day be made about life on the Oklahoman frontier, starring Scarlett Johansson, with Hugh Jackman as the journeyman field hand, whose gruff exterior hides the irresistable and tender heart of a poet within.
Basically, no one had the time for that crap, because we had shit to do. Back then, it was either get to work or DIE. We couldn't go to Wal-Mart and grab two boxes of Hamburger Helper, because back then, if we didn't plant the crops in August, we weren't gonna have shit to eat in April.
But now, people are just fucking crazy. People will have sex with
Now, however much time it took to figure out that it takes shit like that to get you off, that's how many more hours we need to add to the workday.
I'm not saying that people are wrong for their sexual fetishes, and I don't even wonder how far it will go, because that will inevitably lead back to "2 Girls 1 Cup," and none of us want that. I'm just wondering when someone found the time to figure out that they liked having sex with picnic tables.
I also want to know why someone thought that actually giving it a name would be more productive than public ridicule.
Because, let's face it, there's something wrong with a person who visits graveyards on the hope that a ghost will try to have sex with him. I'd think he was slightly more normal if he just dug up the corpse and had his way. And either way, that person needs to either be made fun of heavily sedated. You just shouldn't put your dick in certain places.
It's not like we don't all have our fetishes. It's just that some of our fetishes today cross the line from, "shit you might stumble across in the bedroom," to "what's your straight jacket size?" I mean, when it comes to normal fetishes, I've got no room to talk about anyone, because I shamelessly threw myself at a girl once just because she had pretty feet. But I assume that's somewhat normal, because it's something that involves a living, breathing, creature and a normal part of her body. Hell, I had a girl once tell me she wanted to suck my teeth. I didn't get it, but who am I to judge? It's not like she said, "rub your dick cheese all over me."
There's a clear line between that stuff and humping a tree. How do you know that you'll enjoy that, and how is it that the urge is so irresistable that you just have to do it during your lunch hour in the park?
The weirdness factor of sexual fetishes should rank on a scale of "How Comfortable I'd Be Explaining This To My Parents." The foot thing would be awkward, but who knows, my dad might understand and have a similar story that I don't want to hear. I don't think anyone would want to have the conversation about why their little girl has that guy's dick in their mouth, but it's not like Mom doesn't understand. How do you think she landed Dad in the first place? It wasn't her personality, I'll tell you that.
But if Mom and Dad burst in the room and caught you and your lover rubbing your own shit on each other, that would be a little hard to explain. I can only imagine what the parents of the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" video think about their daughters. "Get your own plate, Jenny. I've seen where your mouth has been."
So if you don't think your parents can handle it when the police tell them, "We caught your son humping the neighbor's tailpipe. No, sir, that's not a euphemism. '08 Mustang, ma'am," then maybe you should try not to fuck cars. If you don't think you can face your parents after they bail you out for sexing up the neighbor's horse for the second time, then maybe you should try to control yourself. The very least you can do, for your own pride, and your parents' mental health is to just buy your own house and do all the wild shit you want to inside those walls. If not for yourself, then for them.
There's no way a story that humiliating won't lead off the evening news. And thanks your inability to control yourself, they're going for forever known as the parents of "the guy who got his dick caught in a park bench." The family reunion suddenly got a little more awkward.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Art of Debate Doesn't Involve Screaming
I had a friend that used to claim that he was a great debater, but whenever anyone would try debating him, the whole thing just boiled down to him shouting the other person down, then calling them names. Eventually, I just stopped engaging him in debate. I'd just let him talk until he said whatever it was he wanted to get out, then leave the room, because that was why he started the conversation to begin with. It wasn't to listen, it was speak his mind.
But what does that solve? Sure, one side gets to speak their minds, but what if the other side has some helpful information that you might need. What if, heaven forbid, you don't know what you're talking about?
Let's say you're a know-it-all who won't shut the fuck up. And you're standing next to a mountain that's about to explode. Now, there's a government geologist with you who's trying to tell you that the mountain is about to blow up and that you should leave "unless you're able to survive a 500 megaton explosion and submersion in lava." Which you're not, because humans are surprisingly fragile, believe it or not. But you won't listen, because Glenn Beck said that listening to the government is going to lead us to socialism. You shout the guy down, and he stops trying to save you. Two thousand years later, an anthropologist has your idiot bones displayed in an exhibit entitled, "Dumbfuck who wouldn't get away from the exploding mountain."
This is the kind of stuff that's happening all across the country in these town hall meetings. I'm not saying that either side is right or wrong, but screaming at people because Sean Hannity told you that Obama secretly hates white people isn't going to help anyone except Fox News, I guess. But it doesn't help anything. Nothing turns a person off to listening like screaming over the top of them. If anything, it just makes the screamer look stupid.
See, screaming is generally associated with "crazytalk." You've never heard of anyone screaming being defined as "reasonable," but you have seen them getting tasered by the police. That's not coincidence, folks.
It's also not coincidence that the people doing the screaming are always talking about "death panels" and "having to prove that you're worthy of healthcare." Even when it's said in a relatively calm voice, like Sarah Palin's, it still sounds like lunacy. And that's why Sarah Palin will never become President.
Point being, you're undermining your own debate, simply by screaming. The content doesn't matter, because if I screamed at people that Ann Coulter is a shell that houses the spirit of Satan, no one would believe me, no matter how true it was, until after she was already harvesting souls.
What we should be doing (or at least attempting to do) is engaging in "civilized discourse." Now, some people who regularly watch Fox News might be wondering, "The samhill is that?" Civilized discourse is when two people are conversing like adults. One person speaks in and even and calm tone while the other considers what's being said, before responding in kind. It's basically what we attempt to teach our third graders to do.
Notice that there's nothing in there about "waiting to talk," "interrupting," "name calling," or "shouting from the rafters." That's because those things are inherently against the nature of civilized discourse. The minute those things happen, people are no longer open to listening, and what's that going to solve? You can't convince anyone by insulting them, which is why Pat Robertson will never expand his demographic.
And what kind of example are you setting for your kids? I'm just asking, because these are the same people who are worried about how things affect the children. Well, you're not exactly providing a sterling example of patience when you can't be bothered to behave yourself in a crowded auditorium. Tell you what: Next time your kid gets sent to the office for interrupting his teacher because he didn't understand why he needed to learn long division, don't say shit about rules or manners, because you clearly didn't teach him any. You can't teach what you don't know, right?
How about, we try something new. How about, instead of ruining the credibility of people like yourself by acting a complete ass, and destroying the validity of your argument, you try these steps here:
1. Don't use your moment as a "gotcha" moment. There are only a couple of people in the room who have seen this bill, and you're not one of them. It stands to reason that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Stop asking the person who's actually seen the (1,200 page) bill why they're lying about "killing kids with Down's Syndrome." If you're going to bring up a conspiracy theory, try bringing up one that could actually happen, like a man spending most of his adult life in a drunken haze stealing the Presidency. We're not the Spartans, so we're not worried about the handicapped diluting our gene pool and awesome fighting force.
2. Shut the fuck up. You're not the only person in the room and someone who isn't a hillbilly might want to hear what's being said. You're talking to an elected member of government, not heckling a stand-up comic. If I were the person speaking, I'd pretend that I felt threatened and have security escort your face into their fists.
3. Understand that it's possible that Fox News might not be entirely honest at times. Believe it or not, Sean Hannity has blatantly edited video to persuade people to believe what he wants. I know it's hard to believe, because who couldn't trust a strapping, young Irishman like Sean Hannity? Only the people who have caught him in his many lies. To quote his favorite pageant winner/post-abandoner, Sarah Palin, "How about you quit making stuff up?" You know, like "Obama's a Kenyan Socialist." I suppose he's from the future, too.
There's nothing wrong with disagreements, because we all have them. I don't call people stupid for buying Beyonce's music, but I just hope that one day, they'll see the light. What we're not seeing is that it's not about winning the argument, it's about finding a workable solution that we can all live with. Like Al Sharpton recently said to Ann Coulter, just before she went back to her hateful talking points, "Just because we disagree doesn't mean we have to be disagreeable." And that's why Michael Steele and Colin Powell are saying that people need to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh. It's also why Rush Limbaugh would never succeed in politics. That's why he sits in a dungeon all day instead of making a real impact on the world. Except for how he's keeping people from getting along.
But what does that solve? Sure, one side gets to speak their minds, but what if the other side has some helpful information that you might need. What if, heaven forbid, you don't know what you're talking about?
Let's say you're a know-it-all who won't shut the fuck up. And you're standing next to a mountain that's about to explode. Now, there's a government geologist with you who's trying to tell you that the mountain is about to blow up and that you should leave "unless you're able to survive a 500 megaton explosion and submersion in lava." Which you're not, because humans are surprisingly fragile, believe it or not. But you won't listen, because Glenn Beck said that listening to the government is going to lead us to socialism. You shout the guy down, and he stops trying to save you. Two thousand years later, an anthropologist has your idiot bones displayed in an exhibit entitled, "Dumbfuck who wouldn't get away from the exploding mountain."
This is the kind of stuff that's happening all across the country in these town hall meetings. I'm not saying that either side is right or wrong, but screaming at people because Sean Hannity told you that Obama secretly hates white people isn't going to help anyone except Fox News, I guess. But it doesn't help anything. Nothing turns a person off to listening like screaming over the top of them. If anything, it just makes the screamer look stupid.
See, screaming is generally associated with "crazytalk." You've never heard of anyone screaming being defined as "reasonable," but you have seen them getting tasered by the police. That's not coincidence, folks.
It's also not coincidence that the people doing the screaming are always talking about "death panels" and "having to prove that you're worthy of healthcare." Even when it's said in a relatively calm voice, like Sarah Palin's, it still sounds like lunacy. And that's why Sarah Palin will never become President.
Point being, you're undermining your own debate, simply by screaming. The content doesn't matter, because if I screamed at people that Ann Coulter is a shell that houses the spirit of Satan, no one would believe me, no matter how true it was, until after she was already harvesting souls.
What we should be doing (or at least attempting to do) is engaging in "civilized discourse." Now, some people who regularly watch Fox News might be wondering, "The samhill is that?" Civilized discourse is when two people are conversing like adults. One person speaks in and even and calm tone while the other considers what's being said, before responding in kind. It's basically what we attempt to teach our third graders to do.
Notice that there's nothing in there about "waiting to talk," "interrupting," "name calling," or "shouting from the rafters." That's because those things are inherently against the nature of civilized discourse. The minute those things happen, people are no longer open to listening, and what's that going to solve? You can't convince anyone by insulting them, which is why Pat Robertson will never expand his demographic.
And what kind of example are you setting for your kids? I'm just asking, because these are the same people who are worried about how things affect the children. Well, you're not exactly providing a sterling example of patience when you can't be bothered to behave yourself in a crowded auditorium. Tell you what: Next time your kid gets sent to the office for interrupting his teacher because he didn't understand why he needed to learn long division, don't say shit about rules or manners, because you clearly didn't teach him any. You can't teach what you don't know, right?
How about, we try something new. How about, instead of ruining the credibility of people like yourself by acting a complete ass, and destroying the validity of your argument, you try these steps here:
1. Don't use your moment as a "gotcha" moment. There are only a couple of people in the room who have seen this bill, and you're not one of them. It stands to reason that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Stop asking the person who's actually seen the (1,200 page) bill why they're lying about "killing kids with Down's Syndrome." If you're going to bring up a conspiracy theory, try bringing up one that could actually happen, like a man spending most of his adult life in a drunken haze stealing the Presidency. We're not the Spartans, so we're not worried about the handicapped diluting our gene pool and awesome fighting force.
2. Shut the fuck up. You're not the only person in the room and someone who isn't a hillbilly might want to hear what's being said. You're talking to an elected member of government, not heckling a stand-up comic. If I were the person speaking, I'd pretend that I felt threatened and have security escort your face into their fists.
3. Understand that it's possible that Fox News might not be entirely honest at times. Believe it or not, Sean Hannity has blatantly edited video to persuade people to believe what he wants. I know it's hard to believe, because who couldn't trust a strapping, young Irishman like Sean Hannity? Only the people who have caught him in his many lies. To quote his favorite pageant winner/post-abandoner, Sarah Palin, "How about you quit making stuff up?" You know, like "Obama's a Kenyan Socialist." I suppose he's from the future, too.
There's nothing wrong with disagreements, because we all have them. I don't call people stupid for buying Beyonce's music, but I just hope that one day, they'll see the light. What we're not seeing is that it's not about winning the argument, it's about finding a workable solution that we can all live with. Like Al Sharpton recently said to Ann Coulter, just before she went back to her hateful talking points, "Just because we disagree doesn't mean we have to be disagreeable." And that's why Michael Steele and Colin Powell are saying that people need to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh. It's also why Rush Limbaugh would never succeed in politics. That's why he sits in a dungeon all day instead of making a real impact on the world. Except for how he's keeping people from getting along.
Monday, July 27, 2009
"Birthers." Even their name is stupid.
In 2009, people can say whatever crazy shit they want to and get on the news, so keeping in that spirit, I think Harry Truman's presidency should be revoked, because I don't even acknowledge Iowa as a state. I demand that Soledad O'Brien interview me, live and in person. With baby oil.
I'm not going to pretend that I've never been caught up in a good conspiracy theory, because no one was able to explain how Tupac got those Jordans months before they came out. But at the same time, I was 18, and teenagers are all full of stupid ideas, like how pulling out keeps girls from getting pregnant, or that their dreams can still come true. I think we're all allowed a few crazy ideas at that age, because the hormones haven't quite settled down yet.
But when you're in your 30s and 40s, reality shouldn't have just set in, it should have caused a drinking problem. Time travel isn't real, the secret coven of leprechauns haven't taught us magic, and you're never going to walk on to an NFL team. The dream is over. Your brain has finished firming up and there shouldn't be any new ideas working their way in there, like accepting Black people as President.
I guess that's the only way I can explain a movement like "The Birthers" actually taking hold. The other explanation I have is, these people are fucking stupid.
Some conspiracy theories, I can see why they keep going. 9/11 was never adequately explained to some people and the whole thing was overseen by Bush and Cheney, the most secretive administration in my lifetime. They look like they're hiding something. The JFK Assassination will never die until the extradimensional aliens outside of our realm of perception confronts us with the evil that infects our world. And who will ever forget the National Enquirer showing Elvis visiting his own grave in 1992?
But if your whole argument is that he wasn't born in America and they take the time to acknowledge your little fringe lunatic group by making the damn thing available to everyone on the internet (because if it's there, it's gotta be true), and all you can say is, "it isn't real enough," then fuck you, because you don't want an answer, you want confirmation that your crazy ass was right.
For the record, my birth certificate also says, "Certificate of Live Birth." People who read books take that to mean "birth certificate," but I see how the preposition and adjective can confuse you. I've seen a fake birth certificate. His isn't one of them. If it was, anal computer nerds would have come out of the woodwork, like that time "60 Minutes" got busted for putting the wrong font on those memos that said Bush tried to get out of his National Guard service. More people than just the barely literate would be on this.
So just be glad you're on TV, because you never saw the government lend credence to the 9/11 theorists, and you're way crazier than they are. Not only that, no one who likes having credibility never even says the phrase, "denying the Holocaust" unless their applying it to some racist who just shot up the place. Just be glad with what the attention you've already gotten, because the crazy movements before yours never got this far. As conspiracy theories go, you've hit the mainstream. All of the other ones are jealous little girls when they look at the "birthers."
What's funny is, these are the exact same people who had nothing to say except "suck it, Gore!" when Bush stole the first election. It's not even a conspiracy theory. It actually happened and has been documented that all of the votes were never counted and the Supreme Court crowned Bush as President. You're not doing this to defend the sovereignty of America, because your boy won. So what's this really about?
As much as I would like to say, "it's because you're racists who can't stand having a Black Commander-in-Chief," I won't, because apparently, it's no longer okay to accuse people of racism, even when it's clearly happening. It's almost like racists are doing like Jewish people do when they accuse everyone of anti-Semitism for being critical of Israel. So if white people call Michelle Obama a "monkey (like it's outside the realm of possibility)," the second Al Sharpton speaks up in protest (because you know Al's gonna have something to say), he gets accused of "playing the race card."
But, it's not like folks have ever asked any of the other Presidents to prove they're from America. Just this one. I can relate to that. It's like being asked the prove why you're driving a certain car or in a certain neighborhood. I'm not saying it's a race issue....I'm just saying.
I won't get into that, though. Since the "birthers" can't have a racist among them (they just CAN'T), we've gotta come up with a new reason why they hang onto this (along with the "secret Muslim" schtick, "closet Socialist," and "He's not like us,"), which brings me back to my original accusation...these people are fucking stupid. It's becoming interesting watching CNN anchors dance around calling them this on live TV. I put my money on Rick Sanchez slipping up. That guy is on the EDGE, just one bad day away from "Rick Smash!"
These people would have to be stupid to believe a conspiracy theory that far out there, because everyone knows that the Learned Elders of Zion handpick our Presidents decades in advance, and I don't see them overlooking a detail like him actually being from Kenya. That's why they're "learned." But, if it's that big a problem, just want three to seven years, and the problem will eventually correct itself.
I'm not going to pretend that I've never been caught up in a good conspiracy theory, because no one was able to explain how Tupac got those Jordans months before they came out. But at the same time, I was 18, and teenagers are all full of stupid ideas, like how pulling out keeps girls from getting pregnant, or that their dreams can still come true. I think we're all allowed a few crazy ideas at that age, because the hormones haven't quite settled down yet.
But when you're in your 30s and 40s, reality shouldn't have just set in, it should have caused a drinking problem. Time travel isn't real, the secret coven of leprechauns haven't taught us magic, and you're never going to walk on to an NFL team. The dream is over. Your brain has finished firming up and there shouldn't be any new ideas working their way in there, like accepting Black people as President.
I guess that's the only way I can explain a movement like "The Birthers" actually taking hold. The other explanation I have is, these people are fucking stupid.
Some conspiracy theories, I can see why they keep going. 9/11 was never adequately explained to some people and the whole thing was overseen by Bush and Cheney, the most secretive administration in my lifetime. They look like they're hiding something. The JFK Assassination will never die until the extradimensional aliens outside of our realm of perception confronts us with the evil that infects our world. And who will ever forget the National Enquirer showing Elvis visiting his own grave in 1992?
But if your whole argument is that he wasn't born in America and they take the time to acknowledge your little fringe lunatic group by making the damn thing available to everyone on the internet (because if it's there, it's gotta be true), and all you can say is, "it isn't real enough," then fuck you, because you don't want an answer, you want confirmation that your crazy ass was right.
For the record, my birth certificate also says, "Certificate of Live Birth." People who read books take that to mean "birth certificate," but I see how the preposition and adjective can confuse you. I've seen a fake birth certificate. His isn't one of them. If it was, anal computer nerds would have come out of the woodwork, like that time "60 Minutes" got busted for putting the wrong font on those memos that said Bush tried to get out of his National Guard service. More people than just the barely literate would be on this.
So just be glad you're on TV, because you never saw the government lend credence to the 9/11 theorists, and you're way crazier than they are. Not only that, no one who likes having credibility never even says the phrase, "denying the Holocaust" unless their applying it to some racist who just shot up the place. Just be glad with what the attention you've already gotten, because the crazy movements before yours never got this far. As conspiracy theories go, you've hit the mainstream. All of the other ones are jealous little girls when they look at the "birthers."
What's funny is, these are the exact same people who had nothing to say except "suck it, Gore!" when Bush stole the first election. It's not even a conspiracy theory. It actually happened and has been documented that all of the votes were never counted and the Supreme Court crowned Bush as President. You're not doing this to defend the sovereignty of America, because your boy won. So what's this really about?
As much as I would like to say, "it's because you're racists who can't stand having a Black Commander-in-Chief," I won't, because apparently, it's no longer okay to accuse people of racism, even when it's clearly happening. It's almost like racists are doing like Jewish people do when they accuse everyone of anti-Semitism for being critical of Israel. So if white people call Michelle Obama a "monkey (like it's outside the realm of possibility)," the second Al Sharpton speaks up in protest (because you know Al's gonna have something to say), he gets accused of "playing the race card."
But, it's not like folks have ever asked any of the other Presidents to prove they're from America. Just this one. I can relate to that. It's like being asked the prove why you're driving a certain car or in a certain neighborhood. I'm not saying it's a race issue....I'm just saying.
I won't get into that, though. Since the "birthers" can't have a racist among them (they just CAN'T), we've gotta come up with a new reason why they hang onto this (along with the "secret Muslim" schtick, "closet Socialist," and "He's not like us,"), which brings me back to my original accusation...these people are fucking stupid. It's becoming interesting watching CNN anchors dance around calling them this on live TV. I put my money on Rick Sanchez slipping up. That guy is on the EDGE, just one bad day away from "Rick Smash!"
These people would have to be stupid to believe a conspiracy theory that far out there, because everyone knows that the Learned Elders of Zion handpick our Presidents decades in advance, and I don't see them overlooking a detail like him actually being from Kenya. That's why they're "learned." But, if it's that big a problem, just want three to seven years, and the problem will eventually correct itself.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Surprisingly, this DIY plastic surgery went horribly wrong
Woman's DIY Plastic Surgery 'Nightmare' - ABC News
Sometimes, we should just let some people die. When you're the kind of person who'd willingly perform plastic surgery ON YOURSELF, the odds are pretty high that your stomach will soon find itself trying to digest a bottle of Pine-Sol or a handful of broken glass, and I don't think we should waste valuable manpower trying to keep these people safe from themselves.
But that's the kind of person that Mary (not her real name, because she's rightfully embarrassed by her own stupidity) is. She ordered syringes and silicone off of the internet and injected it into her lips. And just when you thought it couldn't get stupider than that, did I tell you that she got the wrong kind of silicone? Instead of the real stuff that doctors use, she actually injected K-Y Jelly.
Her body immediately rejected it and FUCKED her face up, presumably as punishment, because only one of them was able to figure out that this shit wasn't supposed to be in her face, and it wasn't the one with the brain. See, when you have to depend on your body's violent rejection of a synthetic substance to let you know that you shouldn't have injected it into your body, you prove to be the kind of person that we should go ahead and be an example to the rest of us.
All I ask is that next time you put it on YouTube so we can watch it all happen. I'm sure YouTube-iverse would love to watch the effects of someone injecting hair dye directly into their follicles, because they think it'll make all of their hair change color.
It's probably mean of me to make fun of this woman, but she injected K-Y Jelly INTO HER FACE. When you're a dumbfuck of that magnitude, you kind of deserve what you get, be it ridicule, or permanent injury.
There are some acts of cosmetology that you can do yourself, like waxing your back or cutting your own hair. If you're doing your own plastic surgery, you might as well just make your appointment with the real doctor at the start, because there's no way you're not going to end up there. You might as well just cut to the chase and do it right the first time.
Scary thing is, this is a college-educated woman, which proves two things: Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you're smart, and no amount of education will stand in the way of a person determined to do something stupid.
Sometimes, we should just let some people die. When you're the kind of person who'd willingly perform plastic surgery ON YOURSELF, the odds are pretty high that your stomach will soon find itself trying to digest a bottle of Pine-Sol or a handful of broken glass, and I don't think we should waste valuable manpower trying to keep these people safe from themselves.
But that's the kind of person that Mary (not her real name, because she's rightfully embarrassed by her own stupidity) is. She ordered syringes and silicone off of the internet and injected it into her lips. And just when you thought it couldn't get stupider than that, did I tell you that she got the wrong kind of silicone? Instead of the real stuff that doctors use, she actually injected K-Y Jelly.
Her body immediately rejected it and FUCKED her face up, presumably as punishment, because only one of them was able to figure out that this shit wasn't supposed to be in her face, and it wasn't the one with the brain. See, when you have to depend on your body's violent rejection of a synthetic substance to let you know that you shouldn't have injected it into your body, you prove to be the kind of person that we should go ahead and be an example to the rest of us.
All I ask is that next time you put it on YouTube so we can watch it all happen. I'm sure YouTube-iverse would love to watch the effects of someone injecting hair dye directly into their follicles, because they think it'll make all of their hair change color.
It's probably mean of me to make fun of this woman, but she injected K-Y Jelly INTO HER FACE. When you're a dumbfuck of that magnitude, you kind of deserve what you get, be it ridicule, or permanent injury.
There are some acts of cosmetology that you can do yourself, like waxing your back or cutting your own hair. If you're doing your own plastic surgery, you might as well just make your appointment with the real doctor at the start, because there's no way you're not going to end up there. You might as well just cut to the chase and do it right the first time.
Scary thing is, this is a college-educated woman, which proves two things: Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you're smart, and no amount of education will stand in the way of a person determined to do something stupid.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Brock Lesnar: The Next Big Thing...again.
Today, the sports world is all aghast with the antics of UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar, because after he broke Frank Mir's face, he flipped off the fans, insulted a sponsor, spit into a camera, and taunted his challenger. He even told us he was going to bang his wife before the night was over. UFC Owner Dana White wasn't exactly pleased with what said and done, and made Lesnar apologize before the media. He can't have Lesnar acting like that in public.
At least, that's what he wants you to think. The truth is, this is exactly what Dana White wants and needs for UFC.
The belief is that UFC is trying to distance itself from professional wrestling, which is what all of the mainstream commentators would have you think. They want you to think that any similarity to professional wrestling would turn them into a joke. But I watched UFC back when it wasn't that popular. I watched back when Ken Shamrock and Royce Gracie ruled. And the age of 16, even I could see that UFC was going to start moving towards what wrestling was doing.
Yes, the fights were real, but the UFC was BORING. Yeah, it's noble for these fighters to have respect for each other and shake hands. It's good for them to be all stoic and have good clean contests.
But that doesn't sell pay-per-views. The Ultimate Fighting Championship, however you want to spin it, is a bloodsport. You can add rules to it and dial it back some, but at the end of the day, most of these men are crazy. You've gotta be at least halfway crazy to agree to do this. The fans know this, and the crazier these men look and act, the more popular they are. Look at Chuck Liddell. Look at Quentin "Rampage" Jackson. Look at Kimbo Slice. Even going back to Tank Abbott, these men are not wrapped too tight. And yet, they're some of the most popular fighters.
Crazy is good, because it makes people watch, and most importantly, it makes people BUY. Mike Tyson's skills had clearly diminished when he got out of jail, but his fights still brought in big numbers.
So Brock Lesnar talking crazy and talking out of his head really isn't bad for the sport of MMA. After all, here we sit, Monday morning, talking about Brock Lesnar. The only place he messed up was insulting a sponsor. Everything is else is good press. People wonder if the fans hate Brock Lesnar, but if I'm in charge, I WANT the fans to hate Brock Lesnar. It's basic promotion, something the wrestling world figured out a long time ago.
People didn't pay to see Ric Flair because they respected his wrestling acumen; they paid to see him because they wanted to see Ricky Steamboat, or Sting, or Dusty Rhodes smack that smug look off of his face. They hated Ric Flair so much that they just wanted to witness his downfall firsthand. Same with the New York Yankees, the Boston Celtics, the New England Patriots. People always watch the ones they hate, because they want to see them lose. And Brock Lesnar is cut from the same mold.
This guy is huge, he's quick, he's strong, and he improves from fight to fight. He's almost unstoppable, just from his size and speed alone. You can't punch with him. You can't out wrestle him. You can't tire him out. And he's an asshole. Plus, he came directly from WWE. Vince McMahon's giant wrestling circus. These guys can't fight, because they're just punk wrestlers, right? Hey, Brock, you're getting into a real fight this time. These aren't pulled punches. The UFC fans hated this guy from jump and they were willing to pay just to see him humiliate himself.
But then, he started dominating. Sure, he's only had five UFC fights and lost one. But other than the first fight against Frank Mir, he hasn't even been slowed down. And in the lead up to the second Mir fight, Mir talked trash. He made fun of Lesnar's WWE past. And that just made Brock lash out right back. This guy just beat one of your UFC heroes. And he let you know about it.
It's not like you need the fans to hate someone to be successful, but if you have one, you don't turn him away, because it's like a license to print money. When was the last time the UFC had a flashpoint like this guy? Brock Lesnar is a bigger heel in the UFC than he ever was in wrestling.
Yeah, it's all a lot like wrestling, but so is the UFC presentation. It didn't always look like that. It used to be closer to boxing. Now, they market wild personalities, everyone has loud, personalized theme music, darkened arenas, laser shows? Where do you think they got it from?
Just because it came from wrestling doesn't mean it's bad. And I don't think anyone's going to confuse UFC with WWE, because any idiot can see that the fights are real. Lesnar egging on the crowd is only going to help. It's not like one wrestling promo from him is going to destroy UFC's credibility. This is not the way to a ruined credibility for them. UFC will be fine. And they will benefit from this. In fact, if Lesnar keeps on winning like this, I guarantee you that any show he headlines will earn more than any other show. Not because he's the champion, but just because fans hate him.
And there are two fighters on the horizon that UFC must have. One in the MMA demigod, Fedor Emilianenko. And the other is another former WWE wrestler (and currently signed to TNA), Bobby Lashley. They're the only men who can challenge Lesnar. Fedor is simply the best fighter in the world. Lashley is almost exactly a clone of Lesnar. Either would be a perfect match-up for the champion. And both of them have name recognition outside of UFC.
You think that 1.5 million buyrate was great for UFC? Either of those guys will get it up to 2. Maybe even 3.
So let Dana White con you into thinking this isn't what he wants for UFC. He has to say that. But behind closed doors, that man couldn't have planned it any better if he were Vince McMahon himself.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Coming to terms with Michael Jackson
It's taken me a few days to really process what's gone on this weekend. I guess I've decided to sit down and write this, because I really need to wipe the slate clean, so I can get back to the real world on Monday. We've spent the last four days talking about the man, playing his music, watching his videos, and dammit, I want to hear about something else.
Of course, like everyone, I'm sad that he's gone. But then, at the same time, it's not even that big of a deal. I know that's contradictory, but Michael Jackson was a contradictory man. He was a "man in a child's body" who grew up to be a "child in a man's body," and all the while, he was a "shrewd businessman," who died $500 million in debt. The man just doesn't make any sense. So, neither do the first two sentences of this paragraph.
What I mean, though, is that the Michael Jackson that I grew up with had long since left us. The Michael Jackson I grew up with was a good looking black man with a pointy nose that a normal person could actually breathe through. Whatever left us on Thursday was not Michael Jackson. Let's face it, when a man changes as radically as he did, sometimes, you need a to invent a wild theory or two just so the pieces fall in place a little easier. So that's what I did.
I personally believe that Michael Jackson left us sometime after 1986, because he was still black when his hair caught on fire. "Bad" came out in 1987, and he was beige. He also appeared to be sexually frustrated, because this was the beginning of his intense phase, where he screamed a lot, mean mugged, and grabbed his crotch a lot. There was a lot of pent-up aggression there.
And we've all see the evolution of his face since. His nose disappeared, his cheek bones rearranged themselves, and he grew a cleft in his chin. Plus, he kept getting whiter. Now, the common theory is that he was getting a lot of plastic surgery, but I can't believe that any plastic surgeon could do all of that to a man's face and still have a license, which means he was either getting back-alley plastic surgery, or he was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with this poorly done replica.
I'm not making that up. I seriously thought all of this out, and shared it with others.
The thing that amazes me is how we accepted it. No one bought the second Lionel or the second Aunt Viv, but we swallowed this like we were appearing in a "Booty Talk" video. If I showed up at your house in a year, only I was white, with perfectly straight hair, no nose, and completely different facial features, would you really believe it was me? If so, I'm going to start getting random white people to pass themselves off as me, just to see what happens.
But that's all beside the point, because even if it was really him, the Michael Jackson we all loved was gone right after he stopped releasing singles from "HIStory." We didn't know the man anymore, because every time he was in the news, it was for something fucked up. The police were taking pictures of his penis, or he was accused of showing his penis to little boys, or he was paying off little boys, because they accused him of touching their penises. Everything about him after 1997 was sexually related, and let's face it, no one ever wants to associate "Michael Jackson" with "sex." He didn't even have the good sense to distract us with good music. R. Kelly could figure that much out, and he can't even read.
So, by this point, I wasn't even able to connect this guy to the zombie-dancing, gang-war stopping, spaceship-transforming superhero from my youth. That guy was awesome. This guy was a complete mess. He became that friend that you had to write off. The one that made you think to yourself, "I can't roll with them no more."
Sure, you'd been close friends since Saturday Morning Cartoons, but now, he's smoking cigarettes and stealing cars. Yesterday, he showed you that he's got a gun. With no serial number. He asked you to hold it for him until he came back and got it. The metaphor works if you replace "Saturday Morning Cartoons" with "Thriller," and all of the bad stuff with "accusations of child molestation," "going to court in your pajamas," and "continuing to chop off large portions of your face until your ethnicity is completely unverifiable."
But at the same time, you still miss that friend. You want them to do well, get better, whatever. You continue to wish them the best. And sometimes, you sit around and think about the good ol' days when you two were tight like skinny jeans fresh out of the dryer; when the other one was never too far away. Sometimes, you really miss that friend and wish that things could be like they used to be. Something will spark a good memory, and suddenly, you just want to go over to their house, give them a hug, and forget whatever split you two up to begin with.
That was Michael Jackson to me.
Like everyone, I was a huge Michael Jackson fan. Like everyone, I knew his songs, I tried to dance like him, wanted to dress like him, wanted to be like him. I loved Michael Jackson. And I still do. But after I certain point, I had to let him go, because I couldn't defend him anymore. I mean, who gets accused of child molestation TWICE?
There was a stage where I wanted to believe in him, then a stage where I wanted to just put him in a car, and drop him off at someone's grandma's house, so he could get right. All of that gave way to a sentiment like, "Yeah, that's my junkie/alcoholic/thieving cousin. Keep an eye on your purse." You just give up and accept that this is what he is now. The greatness that was once there is gone forever. He's enjoying his visit at the Extended Stay in "Crazy Town" too much to come back to us.
That's the reality, and that's been the reality for more than a decade. So when I look at it like that, I was kind of prepared for this. When that much crazy surrounds your life (ripping off the prince of Bahrain, trying to pass off white kids as his own, joining the Nation of Islam), the end coming up like that isn't that much of a surprise. We've had time to prepare for it. And I completely separated the being who left here from the person I grew up idolizing a long time ago.
I think the hardest part of it all is that, it's a huge change in my personal world order. Michael Jackson has been a fixture in the world for my entire life. For my entire life, he's been there as an omnipresent figure, and always as the biggest star in the world. I can't remember a time when I didn't know who he was. Hell, I can remember where I was when four of his videos premiered on MTV. There are muliple years of my life that I can't remember, but I remember the first time I saw "Thriller," "Bad," "Black or White," and "Scream" like it was yesterday.
Thanks to its bowel-loosening terror, "Thriller" was mostly watched from outside.
I have memories of him as far back as I can remember. Other than my immediate family, I can't think of anyone else I can say that about. And now, he's gone. The words "Michael Jackson is dead" still don't even look right to me as I type them. The words together look like gibberish, as if I typed, "flat Joe with leg phone these hi. Serendipity." My brain just isn't able to process the combination.
But I'm able to reconcile all of the feelings I have about him. Some people might think I'm a hypocrite for kissing his ass while I talked shit about him for so long, and I'm not taking back anything I ever said about him, because I still believe it. That doesn't mean that I wasn't a fan of his. Hell, Dave Chappelle said far worse than I ever thought up, and he was a fan, too.
Just because I'm a fan doesn't mean that I have to accept everything that he does. Just because I love his music doesn't mean "he didn't do it (whatever "it" may be)." Mostly because I believe that blindly following anyone is setting yourself up for trouble. Just look at the Republicans. But sometimes, you just have to take the good with the bad.
I hope that Michael Jackson has finally found the peace that he was unable to find in life. Goodbye, MJ. Thanks for making "Off the Wall," giving Travis a job, and for letting Sega make the "Moonwalker" video game. The "Smooth Criminal" long-form video was awesome.
And to the crazier MJ fans...don't try to kill the doctor.
Of course, like everyone, I'm sad that he's gone. But then, at the same time, it's not even that big of a deal. I know that's contradictory, but Michael Jackson was a contradictory man. He was a "man in a child's body" who grew up to be a "child in a man's body," and all the while, he was a "shrewd businessman," who died $500 million in debt. The man just doesn't make any sense. So, neither do the first two sentences of this paragraph.
What I mean, though, is that the Michael Jackson that I grew up with had long since left us. The Michael Jackson I grew up with was a good looking black man with a pointy nose that a normal person could actually breathe through. Whatever left us on Thursday was not Michael Jackson. Let's face it, when a man changes as radically as he did, sometimes, you need a to invent a wild theory or two just so the pieces fall in place a little easier. So that's what I did.
I personally believe that Michael Jackson left us sometime after 1986, because he was still black when his hair caught on fire. "Bad" came out in 1987, and he was beige. He also appeared to be sexually frustrated, because this was the beginning of his intense phase, where he screamed a lot, mean mugged, and grabbed his crotch a lot. There was a lot of pent-up aggression there.
And we've all see the evolution of his face since. His nose disappeared, his cheek bones rearranged themselves, and he grew a cleft in his chin. Plus, he kept getting whiter. Now, the common theory is that he was getting a lot of plastic surgery, but I can't believe that any plastic surgeon could do all of that to a man's face and still have a license, which means he was either getting back-alley plastic surgery, or he was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with this poorly done replica.
I'm not making that up. I seriously thought all of this out, and shared it with others.
The thing that amazes me is how we accepted it. No one bought the second Lionel or the second Aunt Viv, but we swallowed this like we were appearing in a "Booty Talk" video. If I showed up at your house in a year, only I was white, with perfectly straight hair, no nose, and completely different facial features, would you really believe it was me? If so, I'm going to start getting random white people to pass themselves off as me, just to see what happens.
But that's all beside the point, because even if it was really him, the Michael Jackson we all loved was gone right after he stopped releasing singles from "HIStory." We didn't know the man anymore, because every time he was in the news, it was for something fucked up. The police were taking pictures of his penis, or he was accused of showing his penis to little boys, or he was paying off little boys, because they accused him of touching their penises. Everything about him after 1997 was sexually related, and let's face it, no one ever wants to associate "Michael Jackson" with "sex." He didn't even have the good sense to distract us with good music. R. Kelly could figure that much out, and he can't even read.
So, by this point, I wasn't even able to connect this guy to the zombie-dancing, gang-war stopping, spaceship-transforming superhero from my youth. That guy was awesome. This guy was a complete mess. He became that friend that you had to write off. The one that made you think to yourself, "I can't roll with them no more."
Sure, you'd been close friends since Saturday Morning Cartoons, but now, he's smoking cigarettes and stealing cars. Yesterday, he showed you that he's got a gun. With no serial number. He asked you to hold it for him until he came back and got it. The metaphor works if you replace "Saturday Morning Cartoons" with "Thriller," and all of the bad stuff with "accusations of child molestation," "going to court in your pajamas," and "continuing to chop off large portions of your face until your ethnicity is completely unverifiable."
But at the same time, you still miss that friend. You want them to do well, get better, whatever. You continue to wish them the best. And sometimes, you sit around and think about the good ol' days when you two were tight like skinny jeans fresh out of the dryer; when the other one was never too far away. Sometimes, you really miss that friend and wish that things could be like they used to be. Something will spark a good memory, and suddenly, you just want to go over to their house, give them a hug, and forget whatever split you two up to begin with.
That was Michael Jackson to me.
Like everyone, I was a huge Michael Jackson fan. Like everyone, I knew his songs, I tried to dance like him, wanted to dress like him, wanted to be like him. I loved Michael Jackson. And I still do. But after I certain point, I had to let him go, because I couldn't defend him anymore. I mean, who gets accused of child molestation TWICE?
There was a stage where I wanted to believe in him, then a stage where I wanted to just put him in a car, and drop him off at someone's grandma's house, so he could get right. All of that gave way to a sentiment like, "Yeah, that's my junkie/alcoholic/thieving cousin. Keep an eye on your purse." You just give up and accept that this is what he is now. The greatness that was once there is gone forever. He's enjoying his visit at the Extended Stay in "Crazy Town" too much to come back to us.
That's the reality, and that's been the reality for more than a decade. So when I look at it like that, I was kind of prepared for this. When that much crazy surrounds your life (ripping off the prince of Bahrain, trying to pass off white kids as his own, joining the Nation of Islam), the end coming up like that isn't that much of a surprise. We've had time to prepare for it. And I completely separated the being who left here from the person I grew up idolizing a long time ago.
I think the hardest part of it all is that, it's a huge change in my personal world order. Michael Jackson has been a fixture in the world for my entire life. For my entire life, he's been there as an omnipresent figure, and always as the biggest star in the world. I can't remember a time when I didn't know who he was. Hell, I can remember where I was when four of his videos premiered on MTV. There are muliple years of my life that I can't remember, but I remember the first time I saw "Thriller," "Bad," "Black or White," and "Scream" like it was yesterday.
Thanks to its bowel-loosening terror, "Thriller" was mostly watched from outside.
I have memories of him as far back as I can remember. Other than my immediate family, I can't think of anyone else I can say that about. And now, he's gone. The words "Michael Jackson is dead" still don't even look right to me as I type them. The words together look like gibberish, as if I typed, "flat Joe with leg phone these hi. Serendipity." My brain just isn't able to process the combination.
But I'm able to reconcile all of the feelings I have about him. Some people might think I'm a hypocrite for kissing his ass while I talked shit about him for so long, and I'm not taking back anything I ever said about him, because I still believe it. That doesn't mean that I wasn't a fan of his. Hell, Dave Chappelle said far worse than I ever thought up, and he was a fan, too.
Just because I'm a fan doesn't mean that I have to accept everything that he does. Just because I love his music doesn't mean "he didn't do it (whatever "it" may be)." Mostly because I believe that blindly following anyone is setting yourself up for trouble. Just look at the Republicans. But sometimes, you just have to take the good with the bad.
I hope that Michael Jackson has finally found the peace that he was unable to find in life. Goodbye, MJ. Thanks for making "Off the Wall," giving Travis a job, and for letting Sega make the "Moonwalker" video game. The "Smooth Criminal" long-form video was awesome.
And to the crazier MJ fans...don't try to kill the doctor.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Yes, you write like an idiot
If I typed my words like everyone else, then every word in this sentence would be misspelled, with nary a hint of punctuation. When I chat online or read text messages that people send me, I have to wonder if I'm the only person in America who passed third grade English.
It might be the fact that I'm a nerd, but I like to think that i didn't sleep through remedial pre-English. When I get done reading the kind of sentences that are probably what caused my English III teacher to start drinking, I have to ask what the hell is going on. A little advice to everyone: Not putting periods in your sentences and leaving out words entirely make people question whether or not English was your first language. If you're not asking that question of someone else, then you're the one that we're wondering about.
I just don't understand. I know you went to school. Sure, the American Educational System isn't the greatest, but I know you learned what a run-on sentence was. I also know that you learned to proofread your work, so there's really no excuse for me to ever have to read anything with the word "teh" in it.
No one's saying that everyone should use TEH sentence structure of the Declaration of Independence, just that people should probably take a little more pride in their writing. No one I know is so busy that they can't take the time to actually write out the word "you're." I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd transformed into President Obama.
Your typed words represent you and are supposed to reflect your intelligence, or in most people's cases today, your lack thereof. I understand that no one ever wants to seem like they're really smart, but do you really want to seem like you're really stupid? Is that how you sound when you talk? Do you even sound like that in your head? If you do, you should probably read more, or at the very least, stop inhaling bus exhaust.
I can't even pretend to write like everyone else does. I get lazy sometimes when I chat or text, and even then, I still write properly. At worst, I don't capitalize words, which is still a far cry from the broken English I read on a daily basis. In 100,000 years, when the alien archaeologists are picking through the remains of our failed society, the first thing they're not going to notice is how "the American tribe was a bunch of knuckle-dragging retards." But if they're anything like us, when they type it into their mento-computers, it'll read "dood americanz r stoopid rofl!!!"
There is truly no hope for the universe.
It might be the fact that I'm a nerd, but I like to think that i didn't sleep through remedial pre-English. When I get done reading the kind of sentences that are probably what caused my English III teacher to start drinking, I have to ask what the hell is going on. A little advice to everyone: Not putting periods in your sentences and leaving out words entirely make people question whether or not English was your first language. If you're not asking that question of someone else, then you're the one that we're wondering about.
I just don't understand. I know you went to school. Sure, the American Educational System isn't the greatest, but I know you learned what a run-on sentence was. I also know that you learned to proofread your work, so there's really no excuse for me to ever have to read anything with the word "teh" in it.
No one's saying that everyone should use TEH sentence structure of the Declaration of Independence, just that people should probably take a little more pride in their writing. No one I know is so busy that they can't take the time to actually write out the word "you're." I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd transformed into President Obama.
Your typed words represent you and are supposed to reflect your intelligence, or in most people's cases today, your lack thereof. I understand that no one ever wants to seem like they're really smart, but do you really want to seem like you're really stupid? Is that how you sound when you talk? Do you even sound like that in your head? If you do, you should probably read more, or at the very least, stop inhaling bus exhaust.
I can't even pretend to write like everyone else does. I get lazy sometimes when I chat or text, and even then, I still write properly. At worst, I don't capitalize words, which is still a far cry from the broken English I read on a daily basis. In 100,000 years, when the alien archaeologists are picking through the remains of our failed society, the first thing they're not going to notice is how "the American tribe was a bunch of knuckle-dragging retards." But if they're anything like us, when they type it into their mento-computers, it'll read "dood americanz r stoopid rofl!!!"
There is truly no hope for the universe.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Some quick basketball hits....
Word on the street is that Cleveland and Phoenix are trying to work out a deal that would send Shaquille O'Neal to Cleveland in exchange for Ben Wallace's expiring deal and another player that is completely irrelevant. In other news, my psychic powers are predicting that Cleveland will won't be able to get through Boston or Orlando to get to the NBA Finals next year.
I was musing over how Cleveland was going to handle losing in this year's Eastern Conference Finals and the conclusion I came to was that they were going to completely overreact in an effort to convince LeBron that they were doing something. I had no idea that I was going to be this correct. Bringing back Ricky Davis would have been better.
Cleveland, you really don't need to do this. You're like the dude with the girl that's out of his league: You're taking her mother to the doctor, getting McDonald's for her little brother, spending your rent money on a pair of shoes from her favorite store. You're completely overcompensating and it's not necessary. How do I know this? Because you're Cleveland, a city that ranks below Baghdad when it comes to "desirable places to live." And the rest of Ohio is no great shakes.
Seeing as how he's from Akron and has never left the state for any longer than two months in his life, I don't think he's going anywhere. Just reel it back a little bit. Don't do this to yourself.
I know Shaquille O'Neal had a career resurgence of sorts this season. Still, you've got a team built around LeBron James that is dying to run and the one thing that's keeping them from running like horses all the time is Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
Now, I assume this move would be made to counter Dwight Howard, who Cleveland had nothing for in their matchup.
Consider this: Earlier this season, Dwight Howard outplayed the Big Cactus so badly that Shaq was forced to flop and then throw Stan Van Gundy under the bus for it. What, Shaq is the solution to your Superman problem? You're gonna counter Superman with a Superman?
Before you finalize that marketing plan, consider this, as well: Shaq couldn't keep up in Phoenix, and most of that team is about three degrees away from a nursing home. So, he'll basically just be slowing down another team. Because that's genius if I've ever seen it: Speeding up a team by adding another big, slow, center.
Marcin Gortat PWNS Reebok
What's gotta be a bigger kick in the teeth for Reebok: The fact that they were reduced to signing backup Orlando Magic center Marcin Gortat to a deal or the fact that he told them that he wasn't removing his "Air Jordan" tattoo from his leg?
First things first, what's the big deal with it? It's on his calf and, even though the bright red tattoo stands out on his pale white skin, it's doubtful than anyone is going to see it without the benefit of high-powered photography. Secondly, if this little incident prevents a single person on Earth from buying a pair of Reeboks in favor of a pair of Jordans, then Reebok should just go ahead and sell themselves to adidas.
Oh, they already did that in 2005? Wow, what a healthy brand Reebok is.
People aren't buying Jordans over Reeboks because of Marcin Gortat's calf tat, they're doing it because...well, I don't know, exactly. In my mind, there's nothing appealing about a line of shoes that starts at $129. You could by three pairs of Reeboks for that. The Reebok name has certainly seen better days.
And clearly, those days are way behind them, because if you don't have any leverage over Marcin Gortat, then you're in trouble. He's not even the biggest sports star in his own country, and Poland has about 600 people in it. Andrew Golota probably has a higher national profile there, and the only thing he's known for is punching other guys in the crotch.
Speaking of Orlando...
Hedo Turkoglu is opting out of his deal which is another way of saying that he's probably leaving. Not because he wants to, but more because General Manager Otis Smith completely failed Negotiating 101 when he signed Rashard Lewis. Mostly, the part that says "Don't pay someone what they want when no one else is really checking for them."
No, it wasn't the smartest thing to commit $118 million to a guy who isn't a franchise player. In Game 4 of the NBA Finals, Rashard Lewis only had six points, and he's getting paid $17 million in 2009. LeBron James doesn't make that much. Dwight Howard has already signed an extension for $85 million. Jameer Nelson's on for another $30 million. Hedo's making about $7 million, I believe, and it stands to reason that he's probably going to want $10 or $12 million next season.
It all comes down to whether or not the DeVos family is willing to pay the luxury tax and if so, for how long? They seem to be okay with it if they're winning, but at some point, they're probably going to get tired of overpaying Lewis. I'm tired of them overpaying him and I don't even like Orlando.
I was musing over how Cleveland was going to handle losing in this year's Eastern Conference Finals and the conclusion I came to was that they were going to completely overreact in an effort to convince LeBron that they were doing something. I had no idea that I was going to be this correct. Bringing back Ricky Davis would have been better.
Cleveland, you really don't need to do this. You're like the dude with the girl that's out of his league: You're taking her mother to the doctor, getting McDonald's for her little brother, spending your rent money on a pair of shoes from her favorite store. You're completely overcompensating and it's not necessary. How do I know this? Because you're Cleveland, a city that ranks below Baghdad when it comes to "desirable places to live." And the rest of Ohio is no great shakes.
Seeing as how he's from Akron and has never left the state for any longer than two months in his life, I don't think he's going anywhere. Just reel it back a little bit. Don't do this to yourself.
I know Shaquille O'Neal had a career resurgence of sorts this season. Still, you've got a team built around LeBron James that is dying to run and the one thing that's keeping them from running like horses all the time is Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
Now, I assume this move would be made to counter Dwight Howard, who Cleveland had nothing for in their matchup.
Consider this: Earlier this season, Dwight Howard outplayed the Big Cactus so badly that Shaq was forced to flop and then throw Stan Van Gundy under the bus for it. What, Shaq is the solution to your Superman problem? You're gonna counter Superman with a Superman?
Before you finalize that marketing plan, consider this, as well: Shaq couldn't keep up in Phoenix, and most of that team is about three degrees away from a nursing home. So, he'll basically just be slowing down another team. Because that's genius if I've ever seen it: Speeding up a team by adding another big, slow, center.
Marcin Gortat PWNS Reebok
What's gotta be a bigger kick in the teeth for Reebok: The fact that they were reduced to signing backup Orlando Magic center Marcin Gortat to a deal or the fact that he told them that he wasn't removing his "Air Jordan" tattoo from his leg?
First things first, what's the big deal with it? It's on his calf and, even though the bright red tattoo stands out on his pale white skin, it's doubtful than anyone is going to see it without the benefit of high-powered photography. Secondly, if this little incident prevents a single person on Earth from buying a pair of Reeboks in favor of a pair of Jordans, then Reebok should just go ahead and sell themselves to adidas.
Oh, they already did that in 2005? Wow, what a healthy brand Reebok is.
People aren't buying Jordans over Reeboks because of Marcin Gortat's calf tat, they're doing it because...well, I don't know, exactly. In my mind, there's nothing appealing about a line of shoes that starts at $129. You could by three pairs of Reeboks for that. The Reebok name has certainly seen better days.
And clearly, those days are way behind them, because if you don't have any leverage over Marcin Gortat, then you're in trouble. He's not even the biggest sports star in his own country, and Poland has about 600 people in it. Andrew Golota probably has a higher national profile there, and the only thing he's known for is punching other guys in the crotch.
Speaking of Orlando...
Hedo Turkoglu is opting out of his deal which is another way of saying that he's probably leaving. Not because he wants to, but more because General Manager Otis Smith completely failed Negotiating 101 when he signed Rashard Lewis. Mostly, the part that says "Don't pay someone what they want when no one else is really checking for them."
No, it wasn't the smartest thing to commit $118 million to a guy who isn't a franchise player. In Game 4 of the NBA Finals, Rashard Lewis only had six points, and he's getting paid $17 million in 2009. LeBron James doesn't make that much. Dwight Howard has already signed an extension for $85 million. Jameer Nelson's on for another $30 million. Hedo's making about $7 million, I believe, and it stands to reason that he's probably going to want $10 or $12 million next season.
It all comes down to whether or not the DeVos family is willing to pay the luxury tax and if so, for how long? They seem to be okay with it if they're winning, but at some point, they're probably going to get tired of overpaying Lewis. I'm tired of them overpaying him and I don't even like Orlando.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
It's time to hop off the "Hate Kobe" bandwagon
Kobe Bryant is, at worst, the second-best player in the NBA. In thirteen seasons, he's won three NBA Championships (yes, they're HIS, too), an MVP award, two scoring titles, been an eleven-time All-Star, and owns all kinds of NBA records. He is universally recognized as the best closer in the game, and is three wins away from another NBA Championship (and first Finals MVP, if they win).
Yet, Kobe Bryant is probably the most hated player in the NBA, and has been for some time.
Since he's come into the league, he's been accused of being aloof, arrogant, vain, self-centered, out for dolo, and every other way that a player can be described as "selfish." People say he shoots too much or that he's not a good teammate; people throw in his face that he's not Michael Jordan. And they're right. Michael took way more shots than Kobe did.
I'm not saying he hasn't been a selfish player at times; he has been. I just don't think that's a reason to hate a player as much as Kobe is hated, because Kobe being selfish doesn't mean that his 81 points against Toronto wasn't amazing. But we all know that's not what this is about. After all, hating a player for being great is really stupid. Unfortunately for Kobe, he gave his detractors their reason for making their hatred legitimate.
He "snitched" on the beloved and untouchable Shaquille O'Neal. What a reprehensible act.
Now, I don't know what that has to with admitting that Kobe Bryant is a great player. I also don't know exactly when snitching became an unforgivable sin.
Was Kobe wrong for telling the police what he told them? Yeah, he was. At the same time, the man was being interrogated by the police over a rape charge, and this is a guy who (as far as I know) had never been in trouble with the police before. There's no telling what was going through his mind at the time. He was probably scared, because unlike so many of us, he actually had a lot to lose. You'll have to excuse him for not being a hardened criminal like the rest of Thug America. At 24 years old, he was too busy winning championships to get in shootouts with the police.
Personally, I don't hold that one against him. Shaq was understandably and rightfully upset with Kobe. Of course, Shaq also shouldn't have been cheating on his wife, but we can't expect superhuman behavior like that from our professional athletes. That's just silly.
But all of that happened in 2003 and Shaq has gotten past it. I don't know if he's actually forgiven Kobe, but they're on speaking terms again. Shaq has even expressed a desire to return to the Lakers when his Phoenix deal is up.
Yet, everyone else is still holding Kobe's youthful mistake against him. Remember, he was only 24 at the time. That was six years ago. You know how much dumb stuff people do in their early 20s? There's a long list of things on that list that are worse than what Kobe did. Now, how much of that do you want to keep having thrown in your face when you're 30?
How would you feel if your girl kept throwing in your face how you cheated on her in 2003? If it was me, she'd be talking to an empty room, because I would have left her in 2004. Who wants to be around someone who won't let go of the past?
There are so many of us preaching about forgiving our public figures; preaching about letting Michael Vick live his life now that he's out of jail, but not a day goes by that someone doesn't bring up that Kobe's "a snitch." Now, I could be crazy, but where I come from, financing and participating in a dogfighting operation is way worse than telling the police that Shaq uses hookers. We can forgive Michael Vick for committing an actual crime, but we can't let Kobe live this down? Is this real life or is this a Chris Rock stand-up special, because that's n-word logic at its finest.
The truth of the matter is that people didn't like Kobe since he left Lower Merion, and since they didn't have a valid reason not to like him (perceived arrogance is not a reason), they waited until something, anything presented itself and rode it into the ground. When it comes to Kobe Bryant, people act like middle school girls; treating Kobe like crap because both of you wore the same dress to the 'Enchantment Under the Sea" Dance. And here I was thinking that we were all grown-ups.
The only person he wronged was Shaq and the only person he needed to apologize to was Shaq. He must have done it, because we all know how touchy Shaq can be. If he hadn't apologized, Shaq probably would have released a single about it, with an accompanying dance by now. So unless people are somehow attuned to his soul and can still feel the unresolved hurt from Kobe's words, that should be the end of it.
I'm not defending any wrongs that Kobe has committed in his life, and that's not the point here. We all know he did wrong, but he didn't commit genocide or sodomize children; he wronged his teammate. Everybody makes mistakes, and in comparison to many of our own mistakes, his wasn't that bad. If you think you were worthy of forgiveness for yours, then you should probably let this one go. If you don't like Kobe, let it be for something that like might go in his Hall of Fame entry, like the time he crushed your team in the playoffs, Denver. Not because his rape trial was held in your state. A lot of things have changed since 2003.
And so has Kobe Bryant.
How Not to Repair Your Image
Chris Brown's new YouTube video is a prime example of why celebrities should have publicists. If Chris Brown had one, they've probably shot themselves by now.
I've never been famous before, but I've watched every episode of "Entourage," so I feel pretty safe in saying that when dealing with the media, you want to put your best foot forward. You want to present a good image, so that soccer moms won't freak out when they see your poster go up on their daughter's wall. Fortunately, for Chris Brown, that's no longer going to be a problem, because everyone's already seen what Rihanna would look like after a bar fight.
Basically, Chris Brown's career is dead. My exact words after all of this came down were, "I hope he knows how to produce or play a musical instrument."
But "Slugger" doesn't agree with me, which is admirable. And it's going to take a huge uphill battle on his part to get him back to a place where people don't automatically associate him with a broken orbital bone.
A good publicist would probably start with a list of talking points that repeated almost verbatim on every major talk show in North America. You should think he's a part of the Bush Administration by the way he sticks to his script. There should be a carefully crafted image that's being presented, with as much charm and good grammar as he can muster. And none of it should include the word "hater." You're trying to carefully repair your image, not renew your hood pass.
Clearly, "Rocky" doesn't see it that way. If he has a publicist, they're either focusing on smarter clients, like Amy Winehouse or preparing a tasty cocktail of rum, coke, and strychnine. Amy Winehouse only appears in the news when the story is about drugs or when she goes back to the hospital and she's a publicist's dream in comparison to Chris Brown.
To put it another way, celebrity sex tapes create more positive press than a YouTube video where you and your boy address the "haters." We understand that you might be a pretty good guy, but there are more eloquent ways to say it than throwing in, "I ain't a monster," as an afterthought at the end of the video.
You might not be a monster, but you're only slightly smarter than DMX. DMX, while a total loon, is capable of understanding why people continue to be upset with him. You dismiss your critics as "haters," as if blacking your girl's eye is somehow okay. At least you chose "Graffiti" as your next album's title and not "Blood on the Dashboard."
Then again, your target audience is the same one that kept buying R.Kelly CDs. Your YouTube video might make your sales explode for all I know.
I've never been famous before, but I've watched every episode of "Entourage," so I feel pretty safe in saying that when dealing with the media, you want to put your best foot forward. You want to present a good image, so that soccer moms won't freak out when they see your poster go up on their daughter's wall. Fortunately, for Chris Brown, that's no longer going to be a problem, because everyone's already seen what Rihanna would look like after a bar fight.
Basically, Chris Brown's career is dead. My exact words after all of this came down were, "I hope he knows how to produce or play a musical instrument."
But "Slugger" doesn't agree with me, which is admirable. And it's going to take a huge uphill battle on his part to get him back to a place where people don't automatically associate him with a broken orbital bone.
A good publicist would probably start with a list of talking points that repeated almost verbatim on every major talk show in North America. You should think he's a part of the Bush Administration by the way he sticks to his script. There should be a carefully crafted image that's being presented, with as much charm and good grammar as he can muster. And none of it should include the word "hater." You're trying to carefully repair your image, not renew your hood pass.
Clearly, "Rocky" doesn't see it that way. If he has a publicist, they're either focusing on smarter clients, like Amy Winehouse or preparing a tasty cocktail of rum, coke, and strychnine. Amy Winehouse only appears in the news when the story is about drugs or when she goes back to the hospital and she's a publicist's dream in comparison to Chris Brown.
To put it another way, celebrity sex tapes create more positive press than a YouTube video where you and your boy address the "haters." We understand that you might be a pretty good guy, but there are more eloquent ways to say it than throwing in, "I ain't a monster," as an afterthought at the end of the video.
You might not be a monster, but you're only slightly smarter than DMX. DMX, while a total loon, is capable of understanding why people continue to be upset with him. You dismiss your critics as "haters," as if blacking your girl's eye is somehow okay. At least you chose "Graffiti" as your next album's title and not "Blood on the Dashboard."
Then again, your target audience is the same one that kept buying R.Kelly CDs. Your YouTube video might make your sales explode for all I know.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Corporate Logos: The Next Big Thing
I can't believe that I'm actually writing about the WNBA. But it's also the first time they've ever been newsworthy.
The WNBA's Phoenix Mercury have decided to replace their team name on their jersey in favor of the team's official sponsor, LifeLock. LifeLock paid $1 million for the right to turn some of basketball's least watched players into moving billboards for identity theft protection. WNBA President Donna Orender called this "an innovation." Because it's not like we haven't seen rampant advertising in America before.
Just like that, some are predicting this to be the next trend for American pro sports. I think that's getting a little ahead of ourselves. The fact of the matter is, more people would watch the D-League over the WNBA if it had a TV deal. The NHL has a greater national profile than the WNBA and the NHL are airing their playoffs on Versus. Everyone knows that the WNBA is in financial trouble and has been since it came out, and will probably continue to be until women start dunking on the regular.
So this "innovative" move really isn't that big of a shocker. It is very likely to catch on in a league where the team that won it's first four titles just folded. And it's only innovative in the sense that it's the first televised professional basketball league in America to do this. Major League Soccer has been doing this since it's inception just to get off the ground, and all European sports do this.
So why wouldn't it catch on here? We already have ads in our video games and sell naming rights to our stadiums, so why wouldn't we just go all the way and have Nike and L23 logos all over our Cleveland Cavaliers jerseys?
First thing I'd say is that no one would buy a basketball jersey that said "Duracell" across the front instead of "Knicks." But it wasn't that long ago when everyone was buying those NASCAR jackets that had corporate logos all over them. Nelly has made a career on rapping about his shoes. And I don't know how well it caught on, but down here in the South, there was/is a trend where people are covering their cars with corporate logos, without any prompting from the companies, presumably because they get off on humiliating their race.
So it would appear that our sports leagues are already prepared for such a transition. Despite being in relatively good financial shape, our leagues will do anything to make a dollar, even making us sit through an Ashlee Simpson halftime show, in a desperate attempt to draw in a more varied audience. Claiming that their teams need a new stadium to fight off competition, when there's only one football team in the state. Really, there is nothing that is beneath a sports team. Logic would dictate that it's a matter of time before "Baby Ruth" replaces "Yankees" on baseball jerseys.
For God's sake, one baseball team let Sony promote "Spider-Man" by putting the logo on its' bases. They have no shame. The only thing stopping this from taking the sports world by storm is that, unlike the WNBA or MLS teams, the team names for NFL, NBA, and MLB teams actually have value.
Corporate ownership, despite the fact that they would eat babies live on the air, if it was profitable for them, value image above all else. And they know that something in Boston is going to burn if they remove the name "Celtics" from their jerseys in favor of the "Sam Adams" logo. I know they bent over and took it when they had to buy tickets to the FleetCenter (now TD Banknorth Garden), but the Celtics have never changed their jerseys. Never.
Conventional numbers can't calculate the PR hit that a team like the White Sox would take for doing something like this. You'd need Pythagoras to come back before you could figure it out.
There's no way that the Knicks or the Bulls or the Browns or the Cowboys would go for it. The leagues didn't start this way, unlike in Europe, where they always had Porsche or Heineken plastered all over them. There isn't a deeply engrained history of outside sponsorship for American teams. Almost all of them were started by rich businessmen and private investors. There was no need to ask GM to sponsor the NBA or NFL or MLB, because the owners made their fortunes by investing in GM to begin with. Or in meatpacking plants. Candy sales. Whatever.
As a result, our sports franchises are brands unto themselves. Realistically, they could sponsor someone else's products. The American pro sports logo just as recognizable, if not more, than any product that's looking to replace it. How many cricket teams do you know that could do that?
Not only that, they'd have to be afraid to lose jersey sales. That's a huge revenue stream for teams. Every year, people shell out up to $300 for authentic jerseys like the ones the players wear, but how quickly are you going to rush out to buy a Kobe jersey that says "Staples"across the front? The best that they can hope for is a small logo off to the side, but making some corporate logo the centerpiece? Not going to happen.
Or at least it shouldn't. If nothing else, it just looks cheap. Just because it's good for Europe doesn't mean it's good for us. Just look at the Reliant Robin.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Andrew Bynum is better than Dwight Howard
Sike.
Only if I'm bleeding from the top of my head would I seriously say something like that. Dwight Howard is better than Andrew Bynum, and if I ever change that statement, you'll know that something has gone terribly, terribly wrong in either Dwight Howard's career or my mental state.
But when I watch Andrew Bynum play, I see him doing some of the things that I want to see from Dwight Howard. No, not pouting or getting shoved out of the way. I'm talking about post moves. For the first six to eight minutes of every Lakers game, Andrew Bynum is one of the top three centers in the league.
The Lakers throw the ball into Bynum, he sets up and he goes to work. Hookshots, drop steps, up-and-unders; he's a "Dream Shake" away from being Hakeem Olajuwon. He follows shots, he rebounds, he changes the shots of opponents...and then after the first eight minutes are up, he's done for the night. If Lakers' games were only one quarter long, the Lakers would have lost about two games all season and Bynum would have been in MVP contention.
But Dwight Howard is a real center, so I try not to hold it against him. He's a center like Bill Russell was a center; defending the basket, cleaning the glass, slapping stickers of his face on the backboard. Just like Russell.
Still, he manages to get it done on offense. He's got pretty good running hook, he can jump over everyone on the court, and he can hit most of his free throws. Sure, 59% isn't a great average, but it still counts as "most."
When I watch Bynum, though, it makes me wonder what might have been or what is yet to come, with the right coaching. When you're drafting centers out of high school, it's all going to come down to coaching. It's not like there are a lot of former centers coaching high school to impart their wisdom onto the next generation of big men. In fact, so many of today's centers are so unskilled, it makes me wonder what they're really doing at Pete Newell's Big Man Camp.
If only they all could learn from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, like Bynum does. I actually look forward to watching Bynum play for those first six to eight minutes, because he plays like some of the great centers of the past. He has real post moves. He's an actual offensive threat, without settling for midrange jumpers like Yao Ming. And Kareem got that out of Andrew Bynum. Imagine what he could do with Dwight Howard.
Not that Patrick Ewing has done a bad job coaching up Howard, because he was starting with almost nothing himself. It's just that his "nothing" was able to slap anyone's shot into the eighth row. But Ewing didn't exactly have a ton of moves when he played, so what exactly was he going to teach Howard? The hook and the midrange jumper. Just look at his previous project, Yao Ming. 19.7 of the softest points per game you'll ever see.
But Dwight Howard is built to bang inside, to use the skills that Bynum is learning. Howard shouldn't be out shooting 17-footers, but that's where he'll eventually wind up. I know about how it draws opposing centers out from the basket, but banging inside helps you pick up fouls and draw double-teams. Plus, if Howard's not rebounding because he's shooting jumpers, then who will? Rashard Lewis can't do it because he's out even further from the basket than Howard would be.
Like I said, I'm not knocking Patrick, because he's done well with Howard. It's not like he's the guy who coached Robert Swift or whoever crushed Kwame Brown's spirit. It's just that I hope to get to see a Dwight Howard coached by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. How Kareem doesn't have at least an assistant coaching job in this league is beyond me.
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