A-Rod: The New Bonds

I really don't care whether or not Alex Rodriguez used steroids.

Honestly, the girlish subplot between he and Derek Jeter is far more interesting. So is the story about how Madonna used "Material Girl Power" to convert A-Rod to Kabbalah. This mess about A-Rod using whatever he used ranks somewhere after "How many more times is A-Rod going to choke in the playoffs?" Clearly, whatever he used didn't help him there.

No, the real story is going to be the reaction to all of this. Barry Bonds isn't even acknowledged as the Home Run King. Mark McGwire won't ever get into the Hall of Fame. Roger Clemens is pretty much a social leper at this point. I hear Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa were thrown into a pit and made to fight each other to the death. The reaction to these people has been over the top, wanting to take back their numbers and records. I think they even wanted to put as asterisk on Bonds' DNA so he wouldn't taint the name of his highly respected father and put a restraing order on Bonds' tongue so he can't tell anyone else that Willie Mays' is his godfather.

Alex Rodriguez was supposed to be the end of all that foolishness. He was supposed to right the ship, clear the storm clouds, inject the light of righteousness into the veins of baseball. A-Rod is the Golden Boy, the one who was going to save baseball from Barry Bonds, the man who ruined the sanctity of this holiest of games by personally introducing it to steroids and eating from the Tree of Knowledge. A-Rod was supposed to break the home run record, end the Bonds curse, and save the entire galaxy. We'll know that A-Rod is being held to the same standards as Bonds when people start throwing batteries at A-Rod.

So far, they've gone pretty easy on A-Rod. I guess the main difference between him and them is that he admitted that he did it. That helps. But he only admitted it after someone caught him. He might actually be sorry, but he still got caught first. It's not like he was sorry three weeks ago.

He's also trying to use the "I don't know what the hell I took" defense in the middle of guilty confession, which is the same one Bonds is using. Now, what makes A-Rod more credible? They didn't buy it when Bonds said it. It's a stupid defense no matter who's using it, because it hinges on me being a complete fool who believes that a highly trained athlete, who can recite their caloric intake for the month, has no idea what's in the syringe that's sticking out of his ass. Lemme help you out in telling the difference: When you inject b-12, it doesn't burn in your veins with the intensity of 1,000 lies.

But I'm curious to see if folks will be nicer to him because he's not Bonds. After all, people were jumping down Bonds' throat just on the suspicion that he might have used steroids. People (myself included) were suddenly experts on steroids, and we all knew that there was no way that Bonds or McGwire could naturally be that big. They were so skinny and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, they were 260 pound monsters! Bonds' head had tripled in size! Triple H keeps tearing his quadriceps because steroids weaken the tendons, making users more susceptible to muscle tears! We knew everything about steroids, and yet not one shred of proof.

Meanwhile, Rodriguez has admitted that he did it and as of yet, I haven't heard anyone saying that he should have an asterisk placed next to his name. No one's saying that A-Rod should be banned from the sport and so far, people are saying that there's a chance that A-Rod will one day make the Hall of Fame. Bonds got banned from the Hall because the rumor mill spoke too loud.

Just hearsay and "reports." And what the hell does that even mean? There are "reports" that Michael Jordan has seven extra kids out of wedlock, but no one knows what their names are. All we have on A-Rod is an admission out of his own mouth. We don't even know if A-Rod really stopped in 2003 like he said. We just have to take him on his word that he stopped, which is probably worth more than Bonds never failing a drug test. The fallout from this is going to be interesting. If Skip Bayless doesn't have a stroke on TV, I'll be shocked.

Because not only does he seem to have the public and press (more or less) on his side right now, there have even been those who have made the excuse that we shouldn't even know about this, because his name shouldn't have even been released. That's like saying we shouldn't blame Bush for fucking up the country because it's not his fault that we let him be that stupid on a grand stage.

He's getting the benefit of the doubt, which Bonds never did. Even McGwire and Clemens got the benefit of the doubt. But the sportswriters like A-Rod and McGwire and Clemens and they don't like Bonds. And since they all instantly go on their periods when Bonds' name comes up, their editorial process is instantly swayed.

But when you really think about it, which one is worse: An admitted steroid user who apologized or a suspected steroid user that won't admit it?

Steve Kerr's campaign for the Pete Babcock Hall of Fame

Every so often in sports, you encounter a championship-level team that gets completely destroyed by someone who has no idea what the fuck they're doing. It's usually a team that's got most of the right pieces in place, and in searching for that final piece to put them over the hump, they completely destroy the entire thing by killing the thing that made it special in the first place. It's just the classic example of the artist not knowing when to stop tinkering with his masterpiece, except that in this case the artist is overpaid and not very smart.

In 1994, believe it or not, the Atlanta Hawks were major players in the NBA. They were in a neck-and-neck battle with New York and Chicago for the entire season and were expected to make some noise in the playoffs. Led by Hall of Famer Dominique Wilkins in his prime and a defensive focus, they started the season ending Houston's 15 game win streak and never looked back.

But there was talk of Dominique Wilkins' upcoming free agency and whether or not he would resign with Atlanta, the only team he'd ever played for. This was back in the days when it wasn't uncommon for a player to stay with one team for his entire career, so there was no reason to think he wouldn't resign. Still, the talk hung over the team for the entire season.

Well, not the entire season. See, then general manager Pete Babcock and his low 50s IQ was convinced that he couldn't resign Wilkins, so at the trading deadline, he shipped him off to the Clippers for Danny Manning, who also didn't resign with the Hawks. Even though the 57-25 Hawks earned the #1 seed in the playoffs, it took them all five games to put away Miami, before falling to the Indiana Pacers in six games. The Hawks were left with, literally nothing. The Wilkins-less, Manning-less team finished the next season at 42-40. All because Pete Babcock had no idea what he was doing.

The sports landscape is littered with stories like this. The 2006 San Diego Chargers firing Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 season, because general manager AJ Smith didn't like him. The 1997 Seattle Supersonics trading Shawn Kemp for Vin Baker. The 2004 Los Angeles Lakers trading Shaquille O'Neal for three loaves of bread and a set of steak knives. All of them dropped from championship level teams to struggling to make the playoffs overnight. Well, go ahead and write the Phoenix Suns down on that same list, because if the Shawn Marion for Shaq trade didn't convince anyone, shopping Amare Stoudamire will.

Not only are the Phoenix Suns considering trading Amare Stoudamire, they want to blame all their woes on him, because clearly, it was his decision to trade Shawn Marion, fire coach Mike D'Antoni, and hire Terry Porter to replace him. It couldn't have been because general manager Steve Kerr, who somehow qualified for being a general manager by color commentating at TNT, is about as good at his job as Pete Babcock was at his.

If the Marion trade was just plain stupid, then the idea of trading Stoudamire has to get a brand new word, because "more stupid" can't adequately describe how dumb you have to be to think this is a good idea. Amare Stoudamire is a 26 year old beast from anywhere on the floor who holds career averages of 21 and 9 who fought back from microfracture surgery to become one of the premier power forwards in the league. The knock on him is that he doesn't play defense, but no one on the Suns did when Mike D'Antoni was coach. Defense got in the way of scoring more points.

But instead of tweaking the run-first team that was on the floor and building around Stoudamire, Steve Kerr is determined to turn Phoenix into San Antonio by building around 36 year old Shaquille O'Neal, who can't run with Steve Nash and Stoudamire. Instead of using the old "Showtime" format that Magic Johnson's Lakers used, they're slowing the whole team down, I guess so Shaq won't feel slighted. The entire format of the team changed in favor of a guy who's openly flirting with the Lakers for a return in two years. It's kind of like how the New York Jets fired Eric Mangini in favor of 38 year old Brett Favre, who might not even be back next season. It's almost like Steve Kerr manages both teams.

I guess I just take for granted that anyone working in sports knows to favor your young, up and coming stars, because the veterans are halfway out the door, anyway. Shaquille O'Neal is 36 years old and can't play back-to-back games without needing an IV. Steve Nash is 35 and can't even sit quietly on the bench without his back locking up. Stoudamire is 26 and is the only other star on the team, so logically, that's the guy Kerr islooking to trade. Of course. How'd this strategy work out for the Washington Wizards, when a 40 year old Michael Jordan did the exact same thing by trading 22 year old Rip Hamilton in favor of himself?

The Suns were already burned once by trading Marion, but since they didn't learn the lesson that only a third degree burn can provide, they're about to jam their hand in the fire one more time by shopping Stoudamire. I guess they want to see if there's such a thing as fourth degree burns, but let's face it: You're not getting anything back worth whatever Stoudamire provides. So what are you trying to prove? Are the Suns secretly filming a reality show that answers the question of how quickly one team can prod its own fanbase into rioting? Because the moves that have been made since Steve Kerr has come on board are really making me wonder.

$500,000? I can't buy a space yacht with this!

I really think the Republicans are just looking for things to be pissy about, kind of like when your girlfriend is in the mood to argue and chooses that moment to have a problem with the fact that you'd rather slit your own throat than to go the antique roadshow with her and her mother.

This week, they'd decided to be upset about President Obama's decision to put a cap on executive salaries, because those measures are only meant for professional athletes or government employees, not people that have actual responsibilities. They claim that it's a socialist measure, but conveniently leaving out the fact that they're getting their salaries from taxpayer funds. I figure since I had a less invasive background check getting into the IRS than single mothers have to suffer just to get food stamps, I'm not really concerned about the Republicans' opinion on this one. These are the same people who supported wiretapping the citizenry all willy-nilly, but won't subject our "social betters" to easier regulations than we give to welfare recipients.

Republican Senator James Inhofe asked, "Do we really tell people how to run [a business], and who to pay and how much to pay?" And the answer to that question is yes, because just like the homeless guy who smoked up the five dollars you gave him for food, the financial sector is completely untrustworthy and irresponsible. After all, these are the minds that invented the adjustable rate mortgage and told everyone that it was a smart idea to get one, knowing full well that Americans aren't really known for their long attention span.

So it's not exactly the smartest move to give these people free reign to do whatever they want with this money. The previous president tried that and now, no one knows what they did with a single dime of it and in an unrelated story, 100% of American bank executives now own private jets made out of money. Thanks for justifying our faith in you, banks.

Besides, what makes these executives and their Republican friends think that they deserve their full salary after this? Did the captain of the Titanic get a bonus after he hit the iceberg? Republicans like to paint America as a meritocracy, but when it comes to actually applying that to people above a certain tax bracket, suddenly, they forgot what they just said.

It's like Bill O'Reilly getting on TV and saying that because they're not on public assistance, Sarah Palin's daughter's pregancy was none of America's business and none of us should be critical, but when that one lady had eight more babies on top of her six that she already had, suddenly he's got the right to say she's not a good mother, despite the fact that she also isn't on public assistance. Suddenly, Palin's situation is different, even though the only difference is Palin was a prominent Republican. Oh, and 13 extra kids.

So just because they're rich, powerful, and influential, they're above the watchful eye of the government (who doesn't actually have to give them anything)? Do you continue to give money to your cousin that has a gambling problem? These people are telling you that they just need a little money to break even, to keep their doors open and pay their employees, but we both know that the second our backs are turned, they're gonna be back at the track, betting on the greyhound that has the same name as the hooker that stole their wallet last week. Does that sound like a person you should trust with billions of taxpayer dollars?

It doesn't work that way. You can't take a handout, then spend it however you want to. If I lend you money to keep your lights on and you spend it on a clothes, you deserve a fresh shot in the teeth. Personally, I'm glad Obama's doing this. The country is tired of rewarding incompetence as well as the people who defend that system. And really, if you don't think a person can live off of $500,000 a year, I don't think you're the one who should be dictating anything about "fiscal conservatism."

It's not just us; White people use fucked up names, too

I guess it's a little comforting to know that it isn't just Black people who give their kids fucked up names. Yes, white people do it, too. And while not too many things can compare with the secret shame that I feel when I see someone name their kid "Kayzeonte," the sting is taken out of it a little bit when I remember that one white woman named her kid "Trig," and they wanted her to be Vice-President. She might as well have named the boy "Math."

I just find it interesting how white people go about ruining their kids' lives. While Black people really go for the jugular, by making up names that only seem fitting when written in a police report, white people choose to name their kids by randomly picking words out of the dictionary. What's really sad is, even their trashy behavior requires more education.

But what is it that makes a white person think, "You know, I think 'Power' is a good name for a boy." It's not just famous white people doing this anymore. Kids named "Apple" or "Blade" or "Colt" are pretty normal among the Hollywood elite, but now, white people everywhere are naming their kids after random nouns. Even Michael Jackson, who's neither white nor elite, got into the act when he named his kid "Blanket," in a desperate attempt to shed his Blackness.

I don't know enough about Japanese or Indian names to know if they ever do things like this, but I'm pretty sure Arabs shy away from it. They're so sensitive that showing the bottom of your feet is considered offensive and they stone women for everything from not having dinner on the table fast enough to standing upright when men are as close as three blocks away. So naming your kid a name that isn't traditionally Arab probably just gets your house burned down.

It's a phenomenon that I just don't seem to understand. It's almost as if both Black and white people are trying to establish their kids' race through their name, instead of allowing their skin to do the talking for them. Look, there's no way that I'm going to think that a kid named "Sunbeam" is anything but white (or a hippie), just like I'm not going to think that a kid named "Zareontae" is anything but Black. But what if I want the mystery?

I'd rather not have a preconceived thought about a person before I even consider meeting them. I don't want to wonder how big of a space cadet Sunbeam is or how many liquor stores Zareontae is going to hold up. Unfortunately, that's what these weird names do to me, and I imagine, everyone else. People are going to automatically form an opinion of your kid before they walk in the room instead of letting their personality speak for themselves. And when Sunbeam opens the monkey cage at the zoo or Zareontae gets caught stealing from the gift shop, people are going to look at them and think, "See, I told you so."

But while both kids are going to be pre-judged based on their names, it's different with Black and white kids. Zareontae is going to be accepted by his friends, because let's face it; their names are just as fucked up. It's not like Nytron and LaKendrell can really say anything. But Sunbeam is gonna catch hell from their classmates, because a name like Sunbeam is like naming your kid, "I'm asking for a good beating." I don't care how much security he has, Trig is gonna catch it at some point. His only saving grace is that his mom is famous. That's the only thing saving Apple and Blade and Colt.

While Black kids have fucked up names, ultimately, they're just mishmashed syllables thrown together that mean nothing. We name our kids gibberish. White kids named after actual objects is probably worse, because what kid wants to be named "baby horse?" Hell, my name comes from one of Jesus's homeboys and I still didn't like it. I can only imagine how a kid would object to being named "Fruit."

So why not name them Melissa and Stephen and give them a chance to be regular people? We all know that kids are brutal creatures when deal with things like that, so instead of forcing them into therapy, let's realize that it's not all about us and give these kids regular names? Or at least a good nickname... and no, T-Mac doesn't count.

Rappers: Quit pretending you're friends

Am I the only person who's sick of the rappers who had beef last year making songs together and pretending to be friends this year? Like I'm supposed to believe that they're really enjoying each other's company. When Jay-Z and Nas made "Black Republicans," they both sounded so stiff that they I was almost certain that they were in the studio together. Ludacris and T.I. would have you believe that they were excited about the prospect of making "Wish You Would." I'm not saying that they should keep beefing, but just because they squashed the beef doesn't mean that their respective fans want them to get on a meaningless song together. No one was clamoring for a Jadakiss/Beanie Sigel song, trust me.

Did Kool Moe Dee and LL Cool J ever do a song together? 'Pac and Big (after the beef started)? Gangstalicious and Eat Dirt? Then why do all these rappers feel like they need to hold hands on wax to squash the beef, especially when we can all tell that they still don't like each other? The seventeen of you who saw "Belly" know that Nas isn't a very good actor, which is why he wasn't able to hide the fact he'd rather stab Jay-Z in the neck than rap with him. Nas was probably still mad that Jay-Z was his boss. It probably gave Jay-Z heartburn to defend Nas against the rumors that his album was late.

If they really want me to believe that they're cool, then how about a heartfelt apology instead of a generic song? I don't know what the fuck "Black Republicans" was supposed to be about, but I'm smart enough to understand Jay-Z saying, "Nas, I'm sorry that I ran all up in your baby mama, then made a song about it." I can understand LL Cool J saying, "Canibus, I'm sorry that I killed your career before your own subpar talent had a chance to." But instead of that, I gotta settle for Luda and T.I. pretending like they did something worthy of the history books by cranking out a song together.

Only rappers feel the need to make a statement like this, but I really wish they'd just stop. It's not like it's a real collaboration of any kind, because it's just rap music. It's not like the rappers are really combining their styles to create some hybrid form of music. I'm supposed to be impressed because one rapper decides to rap on two verses instead of three? You're not making any kind of statement. Hell, the artists on SoundClick do that and they don't even share studio time.

You know what would impress me? If Guns N' Roses got back together. If Dave Mustaine and Jason Newsted made another album with Metallica. Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan winning the tag team titles. Jay-Z and R. Kelly finishing their tour. Those things would require some repairing of a relationship, at the least. Two rappers pretending to like each other for a couple of hours in the studio means nothing because they've mastered the art of being fake. They've been pretending to be insane, crack smuggling, murdering crime bosses for years. For all we know, the label made them do it.

So just stop talking about each other if you want to end your beef. You're not thrilling anyone and we've got more than enough generic music. If that's the best you can do, I'd rather you kept on beefing with each other, because at least i know you'll come with your best instead of half-assing it like you're doing now.

Is Kobe Bryant afraid of Paul Pierce?

Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA, completely unstoppable when he chooses to be. The only way he's not the most feared player on the court is if he's sitting on the bench. It's easier for him to drop 50 or 60 points than it is for the rest of us to throw two paper balls into the trash without missing. You're more likely to miss what you're pointing at than he is to miss an open jumper. He doesn't even look like he's even trying hard half the time.

Unless Paul Pierce is guarding him. Then, playing basketball becomes a Herculean task to Kobe Bryant, like Zeus is making him play with a boulder strapped to his back. It really makes no sense because Paul Pierce is a 6'7", 240 pound fat kid inside of an athlete's body. He's a skilled basketball player because he's not incredibly athletic. When he retires from the NBA, he's going to do what Charles Barkley did when he retired: Not give a damn about his physical appearance.

Don't get me wrong, Paul Pierce is a great player. He's one of my favorites. I love to watch Paul Pierce shoot someone's eyes out. But he's never shown an aptitude or even a willingness to play defense. In the past, Paul Pierce was more likely to help his opponent score just so he could get the ball back and shoot again. Yet, 11 years into his career, he discovered a hidden talent that none of us knew he had: Being able to stop Kobe Bryant. Paul Pierce must be one of the X-Men, because his mutant power is making Kobe Bryant's balls shrivel up.

And it's not like he knew he had it in him all along. He discovered he could do this back in June, during the Finals. It was almost a lucky break, because the Celtics really didn't have any other options. They knew that Ray Allen couldn't stop Kobe, because Ray had been getting lit up by Kobe for years back when he played in Seattle. So, they gambled on Pierce, because he's bigger and stronger.

Kobe's game disappeared like Ja Rule's comeback. The guy who would take anyone to the basket, the guy who would shoot in anyone's face, the guy who would shake any defender, was reduced to heaving up contested threes and hoping that they'd go in. And then, he tries to act bad when some of them do. But there was no driving, there was no juking, there was no posting up, you know, the main parts of Kobe's game. Just three pointers. And he was forcing those. Kobe Bryant was playing like the slow, white kid that you played 21 with in 8th grade. If he stands far enough from the basket, maybe no one will notice him heaving up that brick before it's too late.

It makes no sense. It's almost like he's not even trying to challenge Pierce out there. Kobe makes playing against other defenders look effortless, until Pierce is standing in front of him. It's almost like he forgot how to cross someone up or drive with his left hand. He looks so hesitant when he plays against Paul Pierce, like the first time you play against someone who's been to jail. Does he think that Pierce is gonna go to the trunk if he scores too many points? It's the only explanation I can come up with, because Paul Pierce turning into Scottie Pippen against Kobe when he can't even stop Joe Johnson doesn't make sense at all.

Lebron and Kobe vs. Michael

Kobe dropped a Madison Square Garden-record 61 points on the Knicks. LeBron dropped 52 points as part of a triple double on them two nights later. Impressive feats? Of course they are, because as bad as the Knicks are, I don't see Rafer Alston or Brian Scalabrine lighting them up. But better than Michael Jordan's "double nickel" game back in 1995? Not even close.

Yeah, I know, Kobe scored 61 points and I know LeBron had a triple double. I don't care about who was more impressive between the two of them, because they were playing the Knicks. But when Michael Jordan did it, playing the Knicks meant something.

It was March 24, 1995. It was a rivalry game back in the days when the Knicks and Bulls genuinely did not like each other. It was Madison Square Garden and it was Michael Jordan's fifth game back after a 16 month layoff. The Knicks went 55-27 that season. Patrick Ewing's Knicks were no pushover back then, unlike the Knicks of today, who are soft like a stripper's backside. Michael Jordan dropped 55 points against THAT team, fighting his own broken jumpshot. Kobe and LeBron did their damage against a gyrating ass.

Not even Wilt Chamberlain's 100 point game can say that. The Knicks team that he destroyed went 29-51...but he still scored 100 points. So I'll shut up on that, but let's keep Kobe and LeBron in perspective. It's impressive just from a sheer numbers standpoint, until you consider the competition. There wasn't any, at least not for them. Al Harrington? Tim Thomas? They might as well have been playing against their old high school teams, because they would have been just as effective.

So let's all just come back to reality before we start proclaiming these as more impressive performances.

One question for the Republicans

President Obama's $819 billion stimulus bill passed the House today, with the Republicans kicking and screaming all the way. No Republicans voted for it. It's expected to pass in the Senate next.

The Republicans continue to say that there's too much spending and ask where the money will come from.

I'm not saying that everything in the bill is the way it should be, because really, $200 million on condoms? Seriously? I don't even know if that's true, but if it is...?

But my point isn't about the contents of the bill, I just want to know where all of this protestation was when President Bush was looking for money for his stimulus packages? Where was all of this protestation when President Bush was passing another tax cut? Where was all of this protestation when President Bush was looking for more money to throw at Iraq?

The point isn't whether or not our government should have spent money on those things. My question is this: Now you're concerned about money?

All the billions spent in the last four years and NOW you're concerned about money?

Maybe if the Republicans had been more about the nation's best interests during the Bush Administration instead of currying favor with the party faithful, we wouldn't need to spend another $800 billion.

That's all I'm saying.

The Dream Fulfilled?

I like to believe that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a smart man, despite the fact that he hung out with Jesse Jackson. And that's why I can say with all certainty that Barack Obama's election is not the fulfillment of his dream. I'm pretty sure the man was thinking on a broader scale than political office. His speeches were filled with all sorts of talk about equality and "the promised land." I'm proud and happy about the progress we've made in his country as a race and I'm proud and happy that Barack Obama was sworn in today as President. It's truly historic and monumental and whatever glowing platitude that anyone can attach to it. I just can't believe that the "promised land" that MLK was referring to is located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. For one, we're not all going to fit inside.

Lots of people have been all over the news today, claiming that Dr. King's dream has been fulfilled and that we have reached the "promised land." All due respect to Dr. King, because he was a stronger and braver man than I'll ever be, but he wouldn't be able stop that talk the way it needed to be stopped if he was here. There's only one time in life that I'll claim that I can say something better than Dr. King and that's right now: Everyone who saying that we've reached the "promised land" needs to cut the fucking shit.

In 2007, we were marching in Jena, LA over trumped up charges against six black teenagers. In 2007, Genarlow Wilson was in jail because he got some head from a classmate two years younger than he was. In 2006, an unarmed Sean Bell was murdered by police on his wedding day and all of the police got off. Three weeks before this very inauguration that we're celebrating, Oscar Grant was laid face down on the floor and shot by a transit cop. Stuff like this doesn't happen in the "promised land," because people are generally happy there and that stuff makes people sad.

When Dr. King was talking about the "promised land," he was talking about a time when electing a Black President won't be any more newsworthy than electing a white one. He was talking about a time when we won't talk about things like "education gaps" or "earning gaps" or "the race card." He was talking about a time when it won't be "us vs. them."

It's not going to be a perfect world, because we'll always have challenges, but the challenges will be more along the lines of repelling the alien armada or trying to reduce speeding violations among jet-pack users, not trying to explain to white people why they can't use the "n-word."

But, large groups of white people did elect a Black President. That's an accomplishment in itself, seeing as how it wasn't that long ago that white people were still lying to pollsters about that sort of thing. A lot of people look at this past election as proof that we've acheived Dr. King's dream. I look at that same election as proof of how far we still have to go. After all, look at the racially based campaigning that the Republicans did. And look at how effective it was. A lot of people bought into it. If we were where we truly needed to be, not only would it not have worked, but they wouldn't have done it to begin with. How quickly folks rely on the divide between the races to win elections is a sign that things just aren't right.

So let's just keep everything in perspective. Big, glowing, historic day that we'll all tell our grandkids about? Yes. They're already partitioning chapters of future history books that contain complete reprints of Obama's books, complete with letters that are actually made of unquenchable fire. The end of the journey for racial equality? Not even close. A proud day, but the struggle continues...

Random thoughts during the inauguration

Screw LeBron James; We are all witnesses to Barack Obama.

But first, we had to wait. Because in an homage to his people, the entire inauguration started late. Aretha Franklin got out there and extended a song by three minutes, as only Black people can do. 12 noon. Barack's Presidency had officially begun, but he hadn't been sworn yet. What's he doing? He's sitting outside, listening to music and working on his tan. Hey, Barack! You're on the clock! We ain't paying you to enjoy yourself! You need to get back inside and fix something! I swear...just like Black folks. Always trying to steal company time.

It was a nice song that was playing, though. I don't remember the name, but it was by John Williams, the guy who scored "Star Wars."

Dick Cheney was shown getting pushed around in a wheelchair. They claimed that he had hurt is back, but I believe that the evil in his soul has actually started eating his body from within.

Did anyone else notice that Bill Clinton still looks salty?

All through this broadcast, they kept cutting off Soledad O'Brien. Don't worry, baby; I was listening to you.

The few times that they showed George W. Bush during Obama's speech, he almost looked jealous of the reaction to Barack; like he couldn't understand why people didn't do all of that for him. For one, it rained during your inauguration, didn't it? Second, half of the voters didn't just vote against you, they vehemently opposed your existence. During your time in office, you didn't do anything to heal the wounds; in fact, you went out of your way to twist the knife. If not for the very real chance that the Secret Service would make people disappear, you would have spent the last seven years ducking shoes, instead of that one day in Iraq. Barack's inauguration is what happens when people like you. That, and when you're democratically elected.

But, as far as the speech went, it was another banger. Has he ever given a bad speech? That's another good thing about Obama replacing Bush: We no longer have a President who openly battles the words in his own mouth.

And to close, there was a poem. Apparently, no one in America likes poetry, because the CNN mics picked up people saying, "Piss break!" and "Aw, shit. I'm gonna go start the car." It was sort of an awkward moment watching the poet (I missed her name) look out at a crowd that didn't give a crap who she was and what she was about to say. That crowd was clearing out so fast, you'd have thought there was riot police beating people. And CNN kept showing the crowd during the poetry reading, perfectly capturing the collective apathy that Americans have towards poetry. Me, I was picking the price tags off my used DVDs.

After the whole thing was over, Obama walked Bush to the back door and put him on a helicopter to...I don't know where the hell he was going. But it looked like he was politely rushing to put him out, like a relative that you don't really care for. It's the end of an era, though. They should have brought out some midgets to sing a rousing chorus of "Ding Dong, the witch is dead."

The time is now 1:00. Barack ain't signed no papers or brought no troops home or nothing. You know white folks are counting the minutes, Barack. Just pretend like you're working before they try to fire you.

1:03. He's signing stuff now. He remarked that he was told not to steal the pen. He knows. Oh, yes...he knows.

Barack Obama was sworn in, put the old President out, then went back inside and held a luncheon with all of Congress. CNN showed split screen of the luncheon and Bush arriving at the airport. There's something funny about that. They couldn't even let him hang out and eat before they put him on a plane.

But now, the Bush-Cheney Presidency is finally over, eight years later than it should have ended. You won't be missed, except by the world's comedians. Few administrations have made a mockery of government like this one. No more Cheney, inventing branches of government that don't exist. No more Rumsfeld, randomly pissing people off. No more Karl Rove, unless you watch Fox News (and you shouldn't). No more Condi Rice taking it on the chin for Bush. Welcome, President Obama. The Daily Show is going to have a rough time making fun of you...but then, that's why you picked Joe Biden to be your VP, isn't it?

Congratulations, America: Our President is no longer a boob.

An unfocused screed on polygamy

Do I think that the ideal environment to raise a child with a mother and a father? Yes, I do. But that doesn't mean that I'm trying to stand in the way of people who want to do it another way, whether that be two mothers, two fathers, one father and a set of goldfish or being raised by wolves. I'm okay with just about everything that you can possibly do, because what's important is that the child is loved. I'm fine with all of that...except for polygamists. Truthfully, I think we just need to save these misguided men from themselves. That's too much estrogen for any one man to have to live with.

The math for this one just doesn't add up. I don't know why any rational person would think that having more women around makes life better. Sure, at the base level, it could be a good thing, because you've got a virtual concubine living in the house. As the saying goes, ain't no new pussy like new pussy. And with all of those women in the house, it's always like new, depending on the rotation. But on the flip side, you've got a virtual concubine living in the house. My back is hurting just thinking about having to pleasure eight women on a regular basis. Sorry, ladies...my sex drive just isn't that high.

Besides that, that's eight periods you have to deal with. At first, as they move in together, that's eight periods spread out across the month, until you're basically living with one long menstrual cycle. Then a funny thing happens; the cycles begin to synchronize with one another. So instead of dealing with a long month of periods, you have to deal with one giant period at one point in the month. Consequently, studies show that the number of periods under one roof is directly related to the number of times you will be found passed out drunk in your den. And that's not even counting when your daughters start growing up.

And who doesn't know a woman that isn't attention starved? If you have hobbies of any kind, you might as well go ahead and give that up along with any alone time, because with all of those women in the house, you're always going to have someone staring in your face. Your bathroom will be the last bastion of privacy for you, until the kids start walking.

Do you know how many pairs of stockings will be hanging in your shower? How much hair weave? How many times of day your home will smell like nail polish remover? And since none of these women have jobs, your light bill is gonna be sky high, because all they're going to do is watch their stories all day. Then, when you get home from working 16 hours to support them, they all want to tell you about their meaningless day at the same time. Next thing you know, you're passed out drunk in the den again, your living beaten into submission.

Do you really think that this is how God intended for you to live? Who knows, maybe he did, which would explain why he invented the sweet, sweet liquor that masks the pain of waking up every day to eight nagging voices trying to get you to paint the kitchen. Then again, if you have to completely destroy yourself to deal with your reality, you might want to rethink your perception of God's intentions. Because unless my theory on the God of the Bible is correct and he really is an omnipotent child who ruins your life in order to get you to choose him so he'll get a self-esteem boost, you shouldn't have to be three sheets to the wind to deal with your spouse. Even if there are eight of them.

I understand that it is a man's choice to marry eight women and move them all into one house, but while we also need to save these men from themselves, we also need to get these women to understand that they can get a better deal than this. Ladies, understand: There is someone out there for you. I seriously doubt that this person is so in love with you that he'll add you to his wife collection. Saying to someone, "Will you become my fifth wife," isn't love.

How low does your self-esteem have to be to buy into this? I don't care what the church claims God's will is, if you've got women's intuition, it's got to feel like a Spider-Sense with the Sinister Six around the corner when someone tries to pass this deal off to you. "Okay, you claim to love me. Your expression of that love is to make me another wife and move me into the house with your other wives, where you can sleep with all of us whenever you want to? Also, you get to add more wives at any time, further splintering the time that I get to be with you. Hmmm, I'll have to think about this. Alright."

What could these women possibly be getting out of this except more babies? They can't possibly be feeling as if there's love and devotion coming from the husband, because how devoted can a man who has seven other wives possibly be? I've never been one before, but I'm pretty sure the whole thing feels like being a prostitute, except that he's not making you walk street corners, unless it's to go out to the barn to get milk for his cereal. The real question here is, how do you know which one of the wives is his "bottom bitch?"

And let's not forget the kids in all of this, because seriously...are you encouraging your kids to live like this? 'Son, one day you're going to be able to pick and choose multiple wives with the ease that you select trading cards." And you expect them to be respectful towards women? "My darling daughter, I look forward to the day when your husband comes along to make you his seventh wife." Seriously?

Parents, there's a reason why some kids rebel against their parents. Some are just hardheaded, but others see through your bullshit. The boys might not argue so much, because let's face it, they're getting a sweetheart deal here from a sexual standpoint, and we all know that in a man's mind, sex can overcome a lot of problems. But the women are getting screwed and unless their head is nothing but a void that keeps their skull from collapsing, they can see that there's no real advantage for them to go through with this. Haven't you noticed that the people who keep escaping from these compounds are always women? You don't ever see men leaving these things, unless they only have one wife and they're trying to get away so they can live like sane people. The reason why that is? They're too busy living out all of the sexual fantasies that their repressed little minds could dream up. They're really not seeing the downside.

Maybe I'm really not seeing the point to any of this. After all, I am an outsider to the whole process, and I don't even go to regular church, let alone one in an isolated compound in Utah. Maybe they're doing it because people in the Bible did it. Two things, though: I don't know anyone in the Bible who actually did this (then again, I've yet to read the entire Bible), and I think it's time people stopped doing things just because people in the Bible did them. People in the Bible also stoned gays and lived for 800 years, but everyone seems to be lacking on those fronts because I've seen lots of gay people go unstoned.

Arizona Cardinals win NFC; Apocalypse at hand

There are some sports franchises that I just never believed would ever be any good. The Los Angeles Clippers, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Milwaukee Bucks, the Detroit Lions. Well, now, the Arizona Cardinals are removing themselves from that list. The only way I ever thought I'd say the words "Arizona Cardinals" and "Super Bowl" in the same sentence was if I said "The Arizona Cardinals will go to the Super Bowl when George W. Bush gets his own holiday." Well, the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl, so I suppose the possibility remainst that one day school will close on "W-Day."

How in the world did this happen? As always, I have theories that involve the Devil, but the sane part of me thinks that the Cardinals started throwing games the second it became clear that they were going to win their division. When your division contains St. Louis, San Francisco, and Seattle, it's didn't take long at all for Arizona to lock it up, because everyone else was out of contention by Week 6. Arizona wont heir division at 9-7 and still had a three game lead on their next closest competitor.

That's the only explanation I have for them to have played so badly against New England, Carolina, and Philadelphia in the regular season, then turn around and beat two of the three in the playoffs. They sucked us in, made us think that they were really crappy (not hard to do when you're the Cardinals), and then started trampling that ass. And they were the best possible team to do something like this, because when has anyone ever taken a football team named "The Cardinals" seriously. They couldn't have been less intimidating if they were named the "Pixie Dust Unicorns."

If it ever turns out that coach Ken Whizenhunt applied the "rope-a-dope" to football games, then he should be admitted into the Hall of Fame now, because that's genius. No one ever considered that Arizona might actually be good, because they're like the nerd that's tutoring your hot girlfriend. Since the Cardinals have always been as non-threatening as the cover of "Tiger Beat," it has never crossed your mind that he might actually try to get some. So while you think that it's perfectly okay to leave them alone together, allow me to shatter your illusions, smart guy: The Arizona Cardinals are banging your girlfriend.

It's the type of thing that has never occurred to anyone outisde of the asylum, like Scientology or George W. Bush becoming President. You just look at it and think, "Yeah, right; like 40 million people are gonna vote for that guy," or "There's no way people are dumb enough to believe this Zenu crap." It's just so ridiculous that you can't ever imagine it happening. Next thing you know, half of America is either in Iraq or homeless and Tom Cruise is making Katie Holmes suffer through childbirth in total silence.

So now that the ridiculous has become reality, anything is possible. Arizona just won the NFC Championship; two days later we're swearing in a Black President. Makes you wonder what else the future holds. Perhaps pro wrestling and video games will become Olympic events. Perhaps playing the accordion will become a respected form of musical expression.

I'm really curious to see how many people immediately lost interest in the Super Bowl the second that the Eagles-Cardinals game was over. Most people won't care about the Super Bowl, because on the one hand, Pittsburgh has the mass appeal of the San Antonio Spurs (none), and on the other, they don't know anyone who plays for the Cardinals. After all, part of being a well-established loser is being completely anonymous. Think about it: How many of the Cleveland Indians can you name without consulting ESPN.com?

Having had time to let it sink in, though, I have to admit that having another chance to see Larry Fitzgerald dominate a secondary sounds good. I won't even have the burden of a team I like playing against them to cloud my judgment, because there aren't many teams out there that can put me to sleep like Pittsburgh. I don't know what it is about them; just that sometime after kickoff, I'm left drooling all over my pillow. I like their players well enough, just not well enough to keep watching.

I'm not picking this time, though. I've been wrong at every turn this season, plus Arizona is this year's Giants, determined to make me question everything I thought I knew about football. Pittsburgh is Pittsburgh; always good enough to be one of the best teams, but never good enough to make me pick them to win. So I'm going to leave this one to the experts. That's right: The Vegas odds makers.

If I wrote a LeBron James article, it would start like this

Kobe Bryant has proved that with hard work, you can grow up to be Michael Jordan. No, not everyone can have Jordan's athleticism, but his drive to win, his basketball skills, even the fact that he's 6'6" are all reasonable things to attain. Others might not be as great as he is, but there have been a lot of facsimiles and imitators in the league since Jordan left his mark on the game.

But you can't grow up to be LeBron James. LeBron James is a genetic freak, an insane combination of size, strength, and speed that the world has never seen before. Like Michael, people will take things from his game and use it in their own repertoire, but the things that he is able to do won't ever been seen again until cloning becomes legal. You might as well grow up hoping to be Spider-Man or Jesus, because your chances of being LeBron James are just as impossible.

Like no player before him, LeBron James is truly one of a kind. There has never been a player like him before. Others have been labeled "one of a kind" before, like Randy Moss or Shaquille O'Neal or Michael Vick, but with those players, there was always a comparison to someone else. Shaq was always compared to Wilt Chamberlain, a player just as big and quick, but even better than Shaq would wind up being. Michael Vick wasn't even "one of a kind" in his family, and Plaxico Burress has always been the next best thing to Randy Moss. But to get an idea of what LeBron James is, players have to be combined together. It's almost like God said, "Hey, I wonder what would happen if I combined Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan?" That's what LeBron James is: Proof that God loves to play with Legos.

"Not upset with the Falcons" and other tall tales

The New York Jets have got to be the dumbest team in the league right now. I know the Raiders and Lions are in far worse shape, but those are special needs franchises and they deserve our pity for being shackled to people like Al Davis and Matt Millen. No, the Jets get their own category for firing the coach who was getting the team moving in the right direction in favor of the 37-year-old diva quarterback that’s probably going to retire anyway. Now, the Jets don’t have a coach, a replacement quarterback, or a viable alternative to replace either. It looks like a move that they made by the seat of their pants, kind of like when they released Chad Pennington the second they got Brett Favre. So, at this point, the Jets deserve what they get and I see them getting a lot of “L’s” in the near future. Note to the Jets: You don’t hinge your future plans on the whims of a quarterback who just retired in the last offseason. I want to curse at you.

Speaking of Matt Millen, who was the person who decided to have him on NBC’s NFL studio show? It’s already boring; you want it to be stupid, too? I would never listen to anything Millen had to say about football, ever, due to him being the worst general manager of recent memory. I was watching the show, just waiting for him to give us a Palin-esque display of intelligence. I’d argue with him over whether or not the sky was blue just because I know that he’s destined to slip up at some point.

Ravens QB Joe Flacco looks like Sylar from Heroes.

Now, about the Falcons…

They’ve been playing with house money since Week 10. Football analysts, who never know what they’re talking about, gave them three to six wins this season. I gave them eight at worst, nine at best. My buddy Louis came within three points of being crowned a football genius, because he said they’d win the division. He maintained that prediction, even after a breathalyzer test.

The Falcons went 11-5. And truth to tell, they should have been 13-3. Seeing as how they were 4-12 last season, lost Michael Vick, rotated between Joey Harrington, Chris Redman, and Byron Leftwich at quarterback, and coach Bobby Petrino quit in the middle of the season to go coach a team that has a pig as a mascot, I can’t be too upset about the way the season ended. After all, 5-11 would have been a step forward. Everything after five wins really was icing on the cake. The fact that we even made the playoffs is great for me, because I didn't even think we would. I was satisfied with not being "enhancement talent" anymore.

That doesn’t mean that I’m okay with the way the Falcons went out. They played well in spurts, but they got manhandled by the Arizona Cardinals. If we got manhandled by the Ravens (a bird that knows the taste of human flesh), I’d probably handle that a little bit better. Against Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, and Ed Reed, I’d be glad if all our guys came off the field with 78% of their body parts functioning. But the Cardinals hadn’t played a good game in a month and a half and only beat tomato cans all season. Why’d they pick yesterday to exhibit some pride about themselves?

I didn't even want to watch anymore football after that, but there was no sense in letting a good Colts/Chargers game go to waste.

The only good thing about the Falcons’ loss is that I’ve got a pretty good idea what position they’ll be drafting for first. Does anyone know a good defensive end that we can pick up, because a broomstick held by a man in a wheelchair would have played better than Jamaal Anderson has since he’s been here. There have been times that I forgot he was even on the field. And even though I wasn’t sorry to see DeAngelo Hall leave here, his size would have been really helpful against Larry Fitzgerald, who towered over our corners and safeties at an immense, looming 6’3” (and I don’t believe he’s even this tall). The Falcons’ corners should insist that kids drink more milk so they don’t turn out to be “short like us.”

It was still a season that exceeded all expectations and provides a bright outlook for the future. This is the part where all Falcons fans should be expecting something bad to happen to the team, like Matt Ryan getting mauled by boars in his living room.

Every time there’s a glimmer of hope for this team, Michael Vick breaks his ankle (against the Ravens!) months after leading the team into Lambeau to beat the Packers in the playoffs. Or Jamal Anderson’s (not the sad DE that calls himself a football player; this is THE Jamal Anderson) knees decide that you, the paying fan, have seen enough of his otherworldly talent, right after he carries the team to the Super Bowl. Falcons fans know what I’m talking about.

But going into next season, I don’t feel that way. Arthur Blank gives a crap and Thomas Dimitroff doesn’t make me think that any retard can be a general manager. The coaching is so good that it made something out of Michael Jenkins. And this team is put together pretty well, even the midget secondary. For once, the future is bright for the Atlanta Falcons.

Seriously. It's called "Barack, the Magic Negro."

I'm going to write a song called "McCain the Salty Cracker," followed with it's remix, "Sarah, the White Trailer Trash." It's not meant to offend, because it's just political satire.

For those who don't know, Chip Saltsman, a candidate for Chairman of the Republican National Convention, distributed a CD recently to his fellow RNC members that contained parodies of popular songs that mock "liberals," because this is what Republicans do when they're not hurting America. Apparently, the song that's causing all the controversy, "Barack, the Magic Negro," first aired on the Rush Limbaugh Show in March 2007, almost two years ago. There isn't a statute of limitations on when I can get mad about this, because in my defense, Black people don't listen to Rush Limbaugh.

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of "satire" is: "a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule." That basically means that you're supposed to provide a hilarious send-up of one's flaws or mistakes.

Now, someone tell me, what does calling a Black man "The Magic Negro" have to do with politics or satire? I'm willing to bet both my balls that they only reason why they called it "Magic Negro" is because they couldn't defend it at all if they called it "Magic Nigger." Are they trying to tell me that being Black is "folly" or "a vice?" Do they believe that something is wrong with being Black? Really, it's probably just semantics, but if they're going to claim that it's satire, it's at least good to know what the word means.

Some white people might not see what the big deal is about all this and of course you don't, because it's not about YOU. If I decided to write a song called "Jon Stewart, The Covetous Jew," would the picture become a little clearer? Maybe if I did one called "Ted Kennedy, The Drunken Mick Bastard?" Thank goodness I didn't do "Hu Jintao, the Slanty-Eyed Laundryman," or else we'd be going to war with China soon.

In fairness, I haven't heard to song at all, because I can't get past the part where they say "Barack the Magic Negro." The title of the song is all I need to hear, because it says everything about what they think about us. To ALL Black Republicans, put down your shine boxes and listen: To them, you are still second-class citizens.

But I'm not trying to rally Black Republicans to release their grip on the slavemaster's nuts; I really just want to help the Republicans understand what satire is. We went through this during the election numerous times and they still don't seem to get it. Calling President Bush a "mouth-breathing, helmet-wearing moron" is satire. Calling President Bush "white, peckerwood trash" is not satire.

This song is in the "white peckerwood trash" category. So are all my other made-up song titles.

If title was "Barack, the Slow-Talking, Flip-Flopper," there would have been no problem. All the jokes that Republicans made about Barack being "The Savior," and the cracks about him parting seas and walking on water were fair game. The second race is brought into it, it becomes a problem because we, as a nation, can't even publicly discuss our racial problems without it becoming a fight, so don't ever believe that we're on such good terms racially that you can poke fun at being Black.

Race is always where the line is drawn, not just for us, but for everybody. Do you call your Mexican friends "bean-and-tamale-eating border hoppers?" Of course not, because that's Carlos Mencia's job.

We both have a long way to go, because Black people are quick to make fun of white people. The difference is, the political realm is national news. For a long time, the only people seeing the "white jokes" were Black people, only comedians were telling them, and unless they're caught by police giving rides to transvestites, comedians don't make the national news. Not only that, there wasn't a comedian alive claiming that it was just "political satire." We all knew what is was. And there were white comedians doing the same thing, so that doesn't even count. The second that one of my songs starts making the rounds to the Black Congressional Caucus, both sides of the political spectrum are going to start playing the victim. Will I be able to claim "political satire" card then?

Dave Chappelle, who made a living doing racially charged humor, said that it's all about "the subtleties," and there's nothing subtle about this song. It's the difference between Jimmy Kimmel doing Karl Malone or Frank Caliendo doing Charles Barkley versus, say...performing in blackface. One is clever, one is offensive. Being clever is making fun of the fact that neither one of these men can speak properly. Being offensive is writing a song called "Barack the Magic Negro."

What's funny is actual satirist Andy Borowitz's parody of the official apology from the RNC denouncing the song: The RNC offered "an official apology to America's negroes." They said that the song was "tone-deaf, unacceptable, and offensive to every negro in the country," Following with, "We do not want one ill-considered song parody to create the wrong impression. The Republican Party has always been, and will always be, the friend of the negro."

Suddenly, a light bulb went off in someone's head and the RNC realized where it went wrong in making their apology. They quickly issued an apology for the apology that stated, "It has come to our attention that we misused a word in our first apology. We should have capitalized 'Negro.'"

Now that's comedy. VOTE GOP!!!

Bowl games are all about spreading joy

I'm sure you all believed that the college presidents against a college football playoff were only about the money, but you are all so wrong. The college presidents are only about the "goodwill" that college football's bowl games provide for the fans of the sport, as well as supporters of the school.

At least that's what ESPN's Doug Gottlieb believes. He also believes that fairy princesses live in our dreams. What the hell is he talking about?

I think we all know that the college presidents are only about the Almighty Dollar, and that's what the current bowl system provides for them. They want the sponsorship dollars from Tostitos or Dollar Rent-A-Car. If they could do it without upsetting the sponsors, they'd start a new tradition where they'd piss on the bowl game trophy at midfield after the game, because the trophy and title mean just about as much as the used beer that's splattering all over it.

The sponsors like bowl games because they just want exposure for their product. They'll put their name on anything, because they just want you to remember it. They'd sponsor lumberjack competitions or the Bestiality Olympics if they really thought anyone was watching. So instead of looking for a bank within your city limits when Bank of America is raising their fees again, this is where the San Diego State Credit Union is hoping their investment in the historically prestigious Poinsettia Bowl will pay off. I'm really interested to see how long it's going to take for someone like Orville Redenbacher or Dollar General or one of those mall stores to get their own bowl game. I don't see Borders or Waldenbooks ever doing it, because everyone knows that college football fans don't read.

Even if the powers that be were concerned about the so-called "goodwill," it still frustrates fans because the games ultimately don't mean anything. Notre Dame has been a joke for years and I'm supposed to get excited about them playing a 7-6 Hawai'i team in a bowl game? Yeah, the schools are so concerned about the prestige of winning this one. No one cares about that. No one cares about "goodwill." People don't watch college football because they care about "goodwill," they watch it because they want to see legalized criminal assault. If people really cared about "goodwill," they'd watch a USO show or the parade at DisneyWorld.

Sure, the ratings have been good, but that's because nothing else is on and what else are college football fans going to watch? Reruns of the World Series of Poker? College football fans still love the games, but even they want a playoff. Little do they realize that they're shooting themselves in the foot, because the college presidents aren't going to make any changes at all knowing that fans are going to watch regardless.

Here's what I really want to know: Why are college kids playing a football game on Christmas Eve? Instead of spending time with their familes, the kids at Hawai'i and Notre Dame were getting ready for a football game.

I thought this is what we had professionals for, so the college kids don't have to do shit like this. The NFL is paying professionals a lot of money just so they won't complain about giving up their holidays or special moments in their lives for our entertainment. The NFL gives them enough money for the players to fly their families in to wherever the game will be played so that nothing is missed. Now, I've never met a person who's even physically been to Notre Dame or the University of Hawai'i, let alone been there myself, but I'm pretty sure that neither school was springing for the players' families to come along for the ride.

They couldn't do this before or after the holidays? Of course not, because doing it on Christmas Eve maximizes the game's earning potential. They're telling these kids to give up their holidays to play in a football game that means about as much as an elementary school graduation ceremony, all so the school will rake in more money. Now that's America.

Combat racism for what?

It's ironic that a man named "Black" runs the largest white supremacist site in the country.

Martin Luther the King is accused of being a liar, drunk, cheater, and plagiarist. Even if it's all 100% true, it doesn't change the fact that he was a great man who gave his life to make the world better than it was before him. I really hope that people weren't expecting the man to be perfect. I don't believe Jesus was perfect, so the rest of us will never even get close.

Meanwhile, what are these white supremacists doing to make the world better? Whose lives have they changed for the better? What have they ever done to make someone else happy? Instead, all they do is tear down others, not even bothering to present a viable alternative to the world they oppose. It's no wonder that these people vote Republican all the time.

I suppose I could get upset with white supremacist site Stormfront.org for taking a site called martinlutherking.org and presenting him as having comparable moral fiber to Tony Montana, but I'm not even going to argue with it, because there's no point to it. These are people who hate people of other races for no reason, then think up their justifications later. Now, if they're not smart enough to know why they hate me up front, I pity them more than I hate them because of their ongoing battle with uncontrollable drooling.

I figure if you're dumb enough to believe that Black people are inherently less intelligent than white people, then you're dumb enough to believe that white people alone built this country and that the rest of us are actually going to stand still and let you kill us. I wonder if they still believe that Black men have monster dicks and live only to sleep with white women.

My suggestion to everyone is to ignore these people, including the roster at Fox News. My reason for it is simple: They're not going to change, but they will become 100% obsolete at some point. All we have to do is wait them out, live our happy lives in harmony and let them keep being mad that white people aren't in charge of everything anymore. Time and anger strokes will take care of the rest.

We could fight them, but you might as well try to win at shadowboxing or convince air to transform into money, because all three things are going to leave us all looking really stupid. All that fighting them is going to do is keep the hate going. I'd rather just sit back and wait for the day to come when people like that are looked down upon from the judgmental perch known as "a future perspective," like how we view breakdancers today, or people who wore jheri curls.

And that day is coming. Yes, there are a lot of white people that are upset that a Black man will be President, and that's okay. I think the majority of those people will be saved from their own stupidity once they see that Barack Obama is not the rap video stereotype that they feared he would be or they realize that some socialist policies have actually benefited us for decades, like labor laws.

The rest of them, they're a lost cause. You can try to convince them to see the error of their ways, but you might as well try to convince your bowels to stop moving. It won't end well for you either way. The only way that they're going to change is to go to jail and spend hours a day folding bedsheets with Guy Torry. Come to think of it, that might just make things worse.

But exposure to Black people is the only thing that can change those people, and that's not going to happen as long as these groups are living in the backwoods in Alabama or Montana. After all, people who grow up around Black people tend not to act like that. They also tend to bathe and keep teeth in their mouths. But we're not about to put together missions to go into the woods and convert these people with chicken and soul records, because it's something about the woods that contain clearly crazy white people that just makes Black people uneasy.

I know I'm not going to knock on some racist's cabin door in Montana. I'll leave that to someone way stupider. Me, I'm content knowing that the odds are that they're not actually going to do anything besides write books about how white people are "losing the country" and keep hoping that someone with bigger balls gets the race war started.

Conversely, white supremacists need to understand that even if a race war starts, they can't kill everyone. Again, it's no surprise that they all vote Republican, because they've adopted Bush's foreign policy to be their policy for everything. The world is not the world that it was in the 1950s and it's never going to back to that. More people like the fact that today's world has spicy food and good dancing in it. That's not to say that there isn't a role for white people stuff in this world, because who's going to play our sarcastic TV doctors and movie serial killers?

Stop lying about your New Year's Resolutions

It’s the time of year when people begin their ritual lying to the world about how they’re getting ready to magically transform themselves into better people. That’s right: I’m talking about New Year’s Resolutions.

It’s just something I never really got into because I’m not big on lying to myself. I know I’m not about to just radically change into someone else. I’m pretty sure that in March, I’m still gonna look exactly the same as I do right now. I don’t even do things that all grown men should do, like shave and iron clothes, so you can forget a gym routine.

For the most part, everyone that starts a New Year’s Resolution doesn’t last anymore than a month or two before they get back into gambling grandma’s medicine money or cheating on their boyfriend or whatever they told the judge they weren’t gonna do anymore.

We’re just not strong enough to make sudden changes that we know are right. I know that I probably shouldn’t eat my nightly steak right before bed. I know I shouldn’t type on my laptop while driving. I know I shouldn’t use my grill in the living room. I can tell you that I’m going to stop, but I don’t want to because I don’t think I should have to suffer the cold just to enjoy a flame-broiled hot dog.

The problem is there’s no one holding me accountable for the things I say I’ll change. And that’s why New Year’s Resolutions ultimately fail. I’ll tell you that I’ll learn Swahili in 2009, but not only is no one going to follow up on it, even if someone did, I don’t know anyone who knows enough Swahili to make sure that I’m really speaking it or just speaking gibberish.

If we really wanted to change, we wouldn’t wait until January 1 of the following year to actually do it. If it’s May and you decide that it’s probably best that you start being nicer to waiters and waitresses because you’re tired of them leaving condoms in your food, you should probably start doing that in May. If you make it a New Year’s Resolution, that’s seven more months before you get a meal without used latex in it.

Consequently, if it’s November and you decide that you’re going to stop drinking in the New Year, that doesn’t mean you should spent the next two months making sure your liver doesn’t live to see what alcohol-free living is like. That’s a sure-fire sign that your resolution is doomed from the start: Gorging yourself on whatever you’re about to give up. You’re also sure to find out what alcohol poisoning is like.

People who claim that they’re going to start diets (because everyone says they’re going to lose weight) decide to do it right before Thanksgiving and Christmas, which means they’re about to put on 15 extra pounds and create more work for themselves. Logic would dictate that you’d want to diet during the time that you’re expected to gain the most weight, because if you can make it through the fattest 30 days of the year, the next 11 months will be a breeze. Your main obstacle is making it through the holidays without getting your stomach pumped.

But let’s say you actually do start your diet on January 1^st. Like I said before, no one’s holding you to it, because they’re too busy trying to stay focused on their own lies. Your co-worker’s trying to quit smoking and your husband swears he’s gonna jog every morning. They don’t want to point out that you just stuffed that box of chocolate in your mouth because they don’t want you to remember that you just caught them chain-smoking in the bathroom.

I know it’s fashionable to wait until January 1^st to start your resolutions, but just stop it. Snow boots in places where it doesn’t snow are also fashionable, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t stupid. You’re not going to actually follow through with your resolutions, because you don’t really want to do it. You’re just doing it because you think you should.

But you’re not really ready to commit to mountain climbing every day, so don’t do it. It won’t last and you’ll only get someone hurt. Go sit on the couch, put your feet up, and drown yourself in pork rinds. What you need is that “moment of clarity,” like alcoholics talk about, because the truth of the matter is we don’t really want to change.

It shouldn’t take a beating from the cops or waking up to another man’s ass to make you stop drinking, but that’s what it takes for some people. Some need to pass out while walking up the stairs to realize they need more exercise and vegetables. We just don’t realize how hot the stove is until that pot leaves us with third degree burns. People are just hardheaded and we like our lives the way they are. We have to be made to change, which is why our Armed Forces use the tactic of a loud person screaming at you.

So until that drill sergeant of life is actually here, spitting on me while he asks if “I think that’s funny,” I’m going to keep on being the exact same underachiever I always was.

Of course it was T.O.'s fault

Watching the sad performance being put out by the Dallas Cowboys against their hated rivals, the Philadelphia Eagles, there's only one thing that needs to be said: This is all Terrell Owens' fault.

It really isn't, but I just wanted to be the first one to say it, because I just know it's coming. Haven't you heard? T.O. is the what caused the financial crisis.

This game is still in the third quarter as I write this, with a score of 44-3. It's a division game between two teams that have so much history, with the flashpoint always being Eagles (and 49ers) castaway Terrell Owens, who joined the Cowboys in 2005. It's the last game of the season and, in case this game wasn't big enough, whoever wins goes to the playoffs. You'd think that both teams would be ready to run through walls and catch bullets with their bare hands.

Buuuuut…since the score is 44-3 (so far), you should be able to guess that it's not turning out that way.

Assuming that the Cowboys aren't going to go on a 42-0 run in the fourth quarter, I'm just waiting to see how this is going to be put in T.O.'s lap Monday morning. It's invariably going to be his fault. It's always his fault, because if he wasn't out there trying to make everyone look at him, the Cowboys would have scored 7,000 points and made the NFL cancel the Super Bowl, because the other teams would have been too afraid to play.

Terrell Owens is the most selfish teammate since Lucifer decided that he wasn't getting enough attention. Or at least, that's how everyone likes to spin it. The truth is, that's just not reality.

The Cowboys team I saw today was a team that just didn't come to play football. Maybe they came for a baseball game or a spirited contest of lawn bowling, but it certainly wasn't to play this Eagles team. Since when was T.O. a member of the coaching staff? Because last time I looked, preparing this team to play was their job.

I'm watching a Cowboys offense that can't hold onto the football. They're fumbling the ball left and right, practically handing the thing to the Eagles. "Pardon me, old boy. I do believe this ball belongs to you. Toodle-pip, what?" Why, T.O. wasn't on his job, because everyone knows that it was his responsibility to make sure that the ball stays in his teammates hands. He should have been right there with the stick-em. These grown men can't do everything on their own.

The offensive line did about as good a job as the Secret Service did as keeping Bush safe from shoe throwers. At least their excuse can be, "We just didn't see that one coming. Who throws a shoe? Honestly." The offensive line's only job is to protect the quarterback. There are no curveballs coming at them. There aren't going to be sudden surprises, like sneak attacks from behind or secret mole men burrowing out of the ground.

There's nothing to say about the Cowboys' defense that the Eagles' 44 points didn't already say. I know, I know, all of those points weren't scored on the defense, but that part's not going on the scoreboard, plus they still give up 27 points on their own. In fairness, the defense has kept Philadelphia from getting to 50. Thank goodness for moral victories, I guess.

This is a team that has underachieved all season long, when they were picked by many (myself included) to go to the Super Bowl. They were beaten by teams that they should have beaten and they have underperformed in big game situations (like this one). And that's not T.O.'s fault. He played a part, I'm sure, because he's a part of the team, but so is Tony Romo. So is Jason Witten. So are DeMarcus Ware or Bradie James and on up the ladder to offensive coordinator Jason Garrett, head coach Wade Phillips and owner Jerry Jones.

They all could have done more than what they did, but to try to place blame on T.O. for what's been a mess whether he was around or not is really just grasping at straws. He's not throwing the ball to himself out there. He's not on the defense or special teams. He didn't even drop a mess of passes like he's prone to do. Everyone needs to be held accountable for what happened out there today, because I know that had to be embarrassing. I just hope that the sportswriters get a new refrain this time, because blaming T.O. for everything since the Holocaust just isn't working.

And no, I don't mean blame Pacman Jones, either.

Final note: The Cowboys went on that scoring run and closed the deficit to 38 points. Final score: Philadelphia 44, Dallas 6.

Was I wrong about global warming?

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a scientist. I'm really not even that smart. So when it comes to the debate on man-made global warming, I'm not exactly an expert. I'm not even the janitor cleaning up for the expert's trophy wife. I'm not about to attempt to argue the ins and outs of CO2 levels and I'm not going anywhere near the effect of sunspot levels. According to some, CO2 levels are making the temperature go up and according to others, it was caused by the increasing number of sunspots, which has gone down recently. Apparently, the scientists who said that rising temperatures were caused by excessively flatulent cows have been completely discredited. Whatever.

I'll admit that I believed that the recent onset of this phenomenon was caused by us. Now, I've already established that I'm not very bright, so accusing me of being an idiot for believing it doesn't make you a better person. I mean, it's not exactly a secret on this side. Apparently, the sunspot theory has proved to be the correct one.

Almost no one knew about the sunspot theory, however, so just because some didn't believe that global warming was man-made doesn't make those people right when they hear about sunspots. These people didn't have any proof backing up their non-belief in man-made global warming. They just didn't understand anything about CO2 levels, so they fought against it. They're like those people who claimed that the Earth was flat. They had no hard evidence to back that up. They didn't know that Amelia Earheart was going to fly off the side of the world like that; they were just sticking with the establishment and caught a lucky break.

But saying that two years of lower temperatures completely disproves man-made global warming comes from the same school of thought that says that staying off the ground for longer than two seconds means you can fly. I don't know what school that is, but I'm betting all the students have to use safety scissors.

However, the global warming debate isn't my fight. I don't have any degrees and according to those IQ test ads, I'm really not any smarter than Pacman Jones. All I really want to say is that smog is not a natural occurrence. Smog is not good for you. You're not really supposed to inhale that stuff. Or bus fumes. Or whatever that is that comes out of textile plants. All I'm saying is it can't hurt to stop letting our factories crap all in the river.

If you go out to the Wesley Chapel bridge across I-20 at anytime during a warm summer day and look towards Atlanta, you will see a yellowish-brown haze all of the place. I'm pretty sure that's not the high pollen count, either. Last time I was in New Orleans (well before Katrina), I was on I-10, going past the Superdome when I looked out across the city and noticed a brown haze. I can say with some confidence that the city wasn't trying to match the Saints' colors. When describing a city, the words "dirty" or "frighteningly unhealthy" shouldn't come to mind.

Maybe I'm just being a little skittish, but I'm not of the mindset that says that we should test the upper limits of the amount of abuse that the Earth can take from us. In a rare and unexpected split from the church, I'm going to declare right now that the Earth has been here for billions of years. It's been through meteors and asteroids, fires, earthquakes, pole reversals, you name it, the Earth has been through it. Man (in it's present form) has been here for about 100,000 years and believe it or not, we're pretty fragile. We can't survive getting hit by a well-thrown baseball, let alone giant chunks of rock. Also, we burn up right nice when we get close to fire.

So the Earth might be okay with whatever we're doing to it, but that doesn't mean my lungs or skin are going to be. Sure, the river's going to keep flowing despite the raw sewage, but all the fish in it are going to die or mutate into horribly disfigured killing machines. And dust storms don't hurt the Earth, but the lack of trees hurt us in more ways than hurting the economy. What I'm saying is, whether or not man-made global warming is real isn't even the point. Just as a rule of thumb, it's probably a good idea to stop dumping sludge into our very finite drinking water supply.

Just be glad it was only his shoes...

Did you see the video of the Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at President Bush? Let me help you out with that.



Funny shit, if you ask me. I'm wondering how he got both shoes off that fast. Reminds me of the way Eddie Murphy described his mom's shoe throwing technique, but Bush has a lot of practice at pissing people off, so he knows to always be on guard when someone flips out around him. Bush just brings it out of people. Just look at him. Hell, that squinty smirk of his makes me want to throw my shoes at him right now, but being Black puts me at high risk for getting shot by the Secret Service.

You know, this sort of thing never happened on "The West Wing, " but it's merely a sign how much this guy has embarrassed us. I guess we should be glad that size 10 Thom McAnn's are the only thing that this guy was throwing, becuase if he had thrown the Shoe Bomber's shoes, that would pretty much guarantee that we were never leaving Iraq. Something else to be glad about: At least the guy didn't throw his draws at Bush. Throwing shoes may be the bigger Muslim insult, but that guy throwing his draws would have been...no, wait...you know, there wouldn't have been a downside to that guy throwing his draws at Bush. That would have meant that either the guy really hated Bush or wanted to sleep with him, which opens the door for a whole line of questions about what Bush was really doing over there that I don't think he'd be prepared to answer.

Seriously...someone needs to do this to Dick Cheney.

Trying to solve the "gay marriage" dilemma

Chuck Norris says that Prop 8 wasn't intended to deprive anyone of their rights, but reinforce the belief that marriage should be between and man and a woman. It just so happens to deprive a group of their rights in the process. "Whoops. Our bad." There are other methods that we could have chosen, but we wanted to go with the one that creates more second class citizens. It's kind of like claiming that slavery was merely a way to save the Africans' savage souls: We could have just used missionaries or rational debate, but we chose the method that destroyed the pride and mindset of an entire race of people. And of course...free labor!

Anyway, I'm all about just getting past this whole fucking issue, because gay people marrying each other doesn't threaten anything I do or imagine doing. No one should be throwing up these tremendous roadblocks to stop happiness, because that's what's being done. You're assaulting happiness, which is something I joke about people doing, but I never thought I see actually happen. You're trying to prevent someone from being happy or willingly shackle on the ball-and-chain, depending on how you view marriage. That's what it all boils down to.

But like i said, I'm all about moving past this, so I'd like to just ask two questions; one to people who are against gay marriage and one to gay people, because the second it stops being a semantics argument, the easier it is to fix and get everyone to shut the fuck up about it. I'm tired of talking about gay marriage. I want to talk about shit that matters, not wondering what my two male neighbors are doing in the bedrooms. And in truth, if you're that worried about what two men are doing in their own bedroom, it says more about you than it does about them. They could just be playing XBox, but your deep interest might just mean that you're gay. But I digress.

The first question is to all the gay people in America. If you know any, ask them this question and get back to me. I'm so serious about this.

"Does it have to be called 'marriage?' As long as you get all the rights of marriage, can it just be called something else?"

The second question is to all people against gay marriage:

"If it wasn't called 'marriage,' but it provided all of the rights of marriage, would you shut the fuck up?"

Because to me, that seems to be the entire argument right there, and what a stupid argument it is. People for claim to want to get married and not completely destroy the underpinnings of society. People against claim to want to simply define what marriage is. If gay people are willing to go along with the first question, then logically speaking, everything should be cool, right? Idiots get to keep their definition of marriage and gay people get to experience the soul-crushing death march to the grave known as (word that we will formally replace "marriage" with in the future).

Embracing the term "civil union" should take care of all of this mess. I mean, religion has claimed marriage as God's creation even though marriage predates all of the modern religions. So let them have it, gay people. Let them have marriage. Run with "civil union." They shouldn't have any reason to stop you on that one.

The Dream Shatterer: You Won't Ever Be Rich

"Do you know the difference between you and every millionaire in the world? They decided they wanted to be millionaires and they went out and did it."

There's no mention of marketable skills or work or anything like that. According to the commercial I'm quoting, any loser that wants to be a millionaire can just become one. Step one: Wish to be a millionaire. Step two: Get peroxide ready for all of the paper cuts you'll suffer counting the money that's about to fall out of the sky. Step three: Be millionaire. Step four: Buy midget to become loyal and dehumanized man-servant.

If you won the lottery, then the above could be a true statement, because that's the only hope that most of us have for moving out of our current tax bracket, let alone becoming a millionaire. The truth is, the majority of millionaires have something going for them. They've got business savvy, they can make you laugh until you soil yourself, they can throw a ball really far, or maybe even they have a horrifying lack of morals. If you don't have anything that anyone wants, how do you expect to become a millionaire? If wishing was all it took to get things done, I'd only use the bathroom in the clouds, because I'd be able to fly. If that was all it took, Beyonce would have an Oscar and we'd probably have a shortage of Jews and Black people. To let you know how hard of an uphill climb you're facing, strippers and prostitutes have things that people want and they're still not millionaires.

For the most part, it's safe to say that most of us are never going to be rich. It might be a negative statement, but so is saying that you'll shoot your eye out playing with your Red Rider B.B. Gun. That negativity doesn't make the fact that you're in the emergency room getting a glass eye put in your newly vacated eye socket any less true. Face it: You're not getting rich any time soon unless there's a Monopoly board laid out in front of you.

Scientists estimate that your potential to be rich decreases each year after the age of 22; 22 being the age that most athletes have left college for the pro ranks. That potential coasts until about 26 because that's the age that most CW and Disney Channel actors/semi-talented music acts have been signed. After that, your earning potential drops off faster than Guns N' Roses on this week's Billboard charts. So if you haven't gotten rich by age 26, you're probably not going to.

All of the genius kids have made their fortunes by 20 and the rich kids born into massive fortunes have received their trust funds by 23. If you were one of those, you would have already fired your butler for trying to read this nonsense to you instead of reorganizing your stacks of hundreds by serial number like you told him. That leaves the rare category of small business owners and low-budget inventors looking to happen upon the next big thing, like the ShamWow or the knife that cuts through both tomatoes and bricks (and children) with the same easy motion. Those people almost never make it and if you haven't started filming your infomercial starring that guy who looks like a game show host, you've got no shot at it. Just give up now.

So what hope do you have, Joe Six-Pack or Hockey Mom, of being rich? My guess is that you've got about the same chances as a person does have getting hit by a falling piece of aircraft AND lightning at the same time, during your suicide attempt that came after you realized that you were never going to be rich. Plus, the scam with the syringe in the soda can stopped working around the same time that they realized that no one liked Crystal Pepsi. In fact, the only reason you have to keep going is...no, not your family. It's probably just going to be a fear of death.

It's going to take a drastic readjustment of your goals in life to keep going. So you're not going to be rich. We've already established that 5% of Americans are ever going to be rich, because we haven't started the Socialist Revolution yet. And out of that 5%, at least 0.5% are lottery winners who will be taken for every dime they won by investing in Amway products or commemorative plates, because the same people who are dumb enough to play the lottery every day are the same people who are dumb enough to lose all of their winnings on something as stupid as they are. So you should try to find a more realistic goal in life.

Like "Not telling your boss what you're NOT going to do that day." Since you're not going to be rich, let's face it: You NEED your job and with the economy being what it is, you can't afford to piss away the one thing that's keeping you off the street. Or perhaps you could satisfy yourself with making it to church every week. That way, you can content yourself with being rich in spirit while loading up at the Dollar General. Maybe even trying to lower the amount of liquor it takes to kill the dull ache of failure in your chest. Having the best grammar at the food stamp office. Reducing your food intake to four meals a day. Small goals are what it's going to take to get you from here to retirement. At that point, you won't care about anything because it'll be socially acceptable for you to shit yourself whenever you want.

Look at the bright side: If you were a racehorse, you would have peaked at three and you'd be dead at 18. Of course, the remaining 15 years between you and the glue shelf at Wal-Mart are filled with lots and lots of sex. And speaking of sex, allow me to shatter one more dream for you: Your favorite celebrity is never going to sleep with you.

Batman sues Batman: It doesn't get any stupider than this

Despite the loss of brain function that this level of stupidity inflicts on me, I soldiered on and read the entire article just so I could tell you about it. Hearing about things like this is like kicking my brain in the nuts.

The city of Batman, in southeastern Turkey, is suing Warner Bros. and "The Dark Knight" director, Christopher Nolan for making a movie that uses their city name without permission. I'll let that sink in, because stupidity like this has to digest properly or else you'll get a headache.

The mayor of the city, Huseyin "The Kid in the Helmet" Kalkan, is preparing a list of charges to formally bring against Warner Bros., that include, and I'm not making this up: "Placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film's success has had on the city's inhabitants." Rumor has it that future charges include "making our kids grades go down in school and making our dogs doodle on the carpet."

Kalkan is also supposed to be getting some stuff together that proves that the town of Batman is older than the 1939 first appearance of the superhero. While he's at it, he might want to come up with a story that explains why the town of Batman waited 69 years to say anything about this. It's not like Batman just came out earlier this year. And I'm sure that the fact that "The Dark Knight" is on the verge of earning $1 billion at the box office has nothing to do with this.

Variety also reports that "former natives of Batman are also said to have encountered obstacles when attempting to register their businesses abroad." No word on whether or not the obstacle encountered was uncontrollable laughter and a prompt dismissal of what is clearly a joke name. After all, if someone came to me and said that they were from Flintstones, Australia, I'd laugh at them so hard that I'd never even notice how offended they were, before they packed up their bottomless cars and left. So naturally, I'd just assume that anyone from Batman was in the child sex trade and was trying to sell me a ten-year old in green shorts.

As for why no one from Warner Bros. ever said anything to the town of Batman about "Batman," I quoted myself as saying, "Seriously?" Getting into my make-believe role of "legal analyst," I speculated further by saying, "My guess is that they didn't know the city was there because of the rampant exploding that happens in that part of the world. Warner Bros. has nothing to worry about because some of the sensitive Arabs in the area probably will have burned the town down before the suit is even completed."

There are also now unconfirmed reports that New York is preparing to sue a host of movies and songs, including "Escape from New York," "Gangs of New York," Frank Sinatra, for his hit, "New York, New York," and every rapper from New York for referring to either the city as a whole or claiming one of the boroughs as their own, along with China, who's looking to go after Jet Li for his "Once Upon a Time in China" movies and Guns N' Roses for the just released "Chinese Democracy." China says, "We were willing to overlook the new GN'R until we heard it. We just can't stand for them besmirching our good name like that. It really blows. Give it a rest, Axl."

The mayor of Metropolis, IL, Billy McDaniel says that "Batman is really screwing themselves out of a gravy train," by not embracing this whole thing. "Who needs dignity when your city can roll in the dough having outsiders come to see if your residents really drive Batmobiles to work? You're missing out, dude."