Stop lying about your New Year's Resolutions

It’s the time of year when people begin their ritual lying to the world about how they’re getting ready to magically transform themselves into better people. That’s right: I’m talking about New Year’s Resolutions.

It’s just something I never really got into because I’m not big on lying to myself. I know I’m not about to just radically change into someone else. I’m pretty sure that in March, I’m still gonna look exactly the same as I do right now. I don’t even do things that all grown men should do, like shave and iron clothes, so you can forget a gym routine.

For the most part, everyone that starts a New Year’s Resolution doesn’t last anymore than a month or two before they get back into gambling grandma’s medicine money or cheating on their boyfriend or whatever they told the judge they weren’t gonna do anymore.

We’re just not strong enough to make sudden changes that we know are right. I know that I probably shouldn’t eat my nightly steak right before bed. I know I shouldn’t type on my laptop while driving. I know I shouldn’t use my grill in the living room. I can tell you that I’m going to stop, but I don’t want to because I don’t think I should have to suffer the cold just to enjoy a flame-broiled hot dog.

The problem is there’s no one holding me accountable for the things I say I’ll change. And that’s why New Year’s Resolutions ultimately fail. I’ll tell you that I’ll learn Swahili in 2009, but not only is no one going to follow up on it, even if someone did, I don’t know anyone who knows enough Swahili to make sure that I’m really speaking it or just speaking gibberish.

If we really wanted to change, we wouldn’t wait until January 1 of the following year to actually do it. If it’s May and you decide that it’s probably best that you start being nicer to waiters and waitresses because you’re tired of them leaving condoms in your food, you should probably start doing that in May. If you make it a New Year’s Resolution, that’s seven more months before you get a meal without used latex in it.

Consequently, if it’s November and you decide that you’re going to stop drinking in the New Year, that doesn’t mean you should spent the next two months making sure your liver doesn’t live to see what alcohol-free living is like. That’s a sure-fire sign that your resolution is doomed from the start: Gorging yourself on whatever you’re about to give up. You’re also sure to find out what alcohol poisoning is like.

People who claim that they’re going to start diets (because everyone says they’re going to lose weight) decide to do it right before Thanksgiving and Christmas, which means they’re about to put on 15 extra pounds and create more work for themselves. Logic would dictate that you’d want to diet during the time that you’re expected to gain the most weight, because if you can make it through the fattest 30 days of the year, the next 11 months will be a breeze. Your main obstacle is making it through the holidays without getting your stomach pumped.

But let’s say you actually do start your diet on January 1^st. Like I said before, no one’s holding you to it, because they’re too busy trying to stay focused on their own lies. Your co-worker’s trying to quit smoking and your husband swears he’s gonna jog every morning. They don’t want to point out that you just stuffed that box of chocolate in your mouth because they don’t want you to remember that you just caught them chain-smoking in the bathroom.

I know it’s fashionable to wait until January 1^st to start your resolutions, but just stop it. Snow boots in places where it doesn’t snow are also fashionable, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t stupid. You’re not going to actually follow through with your resolutions, because you don’t really want to do it. You’re just doing it because you think you should.

But you’re not really ready to commit to mountain climbing every day, so don’t do it. It won’t last and you’ll only get someone hurt. Go sit on the couch, put your feet up, and drown yourself in pork rinds. What you need is that “moment of clarity,” like alcoholics talk about, because the truth of the matter is we don’t really want to change.

It shouldn’t take a beating from the cops or waking up to another man’s ass to make you stop drinking, but that’s what it takes for some people. Some need to pass out while walking up the stairs to realize they need more exercise and vegetables. We just don’t realize how hot the stove is until that pot leaves us with third degree burns. People are just hardheaded and we like our lives the way they are. We have to be made to change, which is why our Armed Forces use the tactic of a loud person screaming at you.

So until that drill sergeant of life is actually here, spitting on me while he asks if “I think that’s funny,” I’m going to keep on being the exact same underachiever I always was.

Of course it was T.O.'s fault

Watching the sad performance being put out by the Dallas Cowboys against their hated rivals, the Philadelphia Eagles, there's only one thing that needs to be said: This is all Terrell Owens' fault.

It really isn't, but I just wanted to be the first one to say it, because I just know it's coming. Haven't you heard? T.O. is the what caused the financial crisis.

This game is still in the third quarter as I write this, with a score of 44-3. It's a division game between two teams that have so much history, with the flashpoint always being Eagles (and 49ers) castaway Terrell Owens, who joined the Cowboys in 2005. It's the last game of the season and, in case this game wasn't big enough, whoever wins goes to the playoffs. You'd think that both teams would be ready to run through walls and catch bullets with their bare hands.

Buuuuut…since the score is 44-3 (so far), you should be able to guess that it's not turning out that way.

Assuming that the Cowboys aren't going to go on a 42-0 run in the fourth quarter, I'm just waiting to see how this is going to be put in T.O.'s lap Monday morning. It's invariably going to be his fault. It's always his fault, because if he wasn't out there trying to make everyone look at him, the Cowboys would have scored 7,000 points and made the NFL cancel the Super Bowl, because the other teams would have been too afraid to play.

Terrell Owens is the most selfish teammate since Lucifer decided that he wasn't getting enough attention. Or at least, that's how everyone likes to spin it. The truth is, that's just not reality.

The Cowboys team I saw today was a team that just didn't come to play football. Maybe they came for a baseball game or a spirited contest of lawn bowling, but it certainly wasn't to play this Eagles team. Since when was T.O. a member of the coaching staff? Because last time I looked, preparing this team to play was their job.

I'm watching a Cowboys offense that can't hold onto the football. They're fumbling the ball left and right, practically handing the thing to the Eagles. "Pardon me, old boy. I do believe this ball belongs to you. Toodle-pip, what?" Why, T.O. wasn't on his job, because everyone knows that it was his responsibility to make sure that the ball stays in his teammates hands. He should have been right there with the stick-em. These grown men can't do everything on their own.

The offensive line did about as good a job as the Secret Service did as keeping Bush safe from shoe throwers. At least their excuse can be, "We just didn't see that one coming. Who throws a shoe? Honestly." The offensive line's only job is to protect the quarterback. There are no curveballs coming at them. There aren't going to be sudden surprises, like sneak attacks from behind or secret mole men burrowing out of the ground.

There's nothing to say about the Cowboys' defense that the Eagles' 44 points didn't already say. I know, I know, all of those points weren't scored on the defense, but that part's not going on the scoreboard, plus they still give up 27 points on their own. In fairness, the defense has kept Philadelphia from getting to 50. Thank goodness for moral victories, I guess.

This is a team that has underachieved all season long, when they were picked by many (myself included) to go to the Super Bowl. They were beaten by teams that they should have beaten and they have underperformed in big game situations (like this one). And that's not T.O.'s fault. He played a part, I'm sure, because he's a part of the team, but so is Tony Romo. So is Jason Witten. So are DeMarcus Ware or Bradie James and on up the ladder to offensive coordinator Jason Garrett, head coach Wade Phillips and owner Jerry Jones.

They all could have done more than what they did, but to try to place blame on T.O. for what's been a mess whether he was around or not is really just grasping at straws. He's not throwing the ball to himself out there. He's not on the defense or special teams. He didn't even drop a mess of passes like he's prone to do. Everyone needs to be held accountable for what happened out there today, because I know that had to be embarrassing. I just hope that the sportswriters get a new refrain this time, because blaming T.O. for everything since the Holocaust just isn't working.

And no, I don't mean blame Pacman Jones, either.

Final note: The Cowboys went on that scoring run and closed the deficit to 38 points. Final score: Philadelphia 44, Dallas 6.

Was I wrong about global warming?

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a scientist. I'm really not even that smart. So when it comes to the debate on man-made global warming, I'm not exactly an expert. I'm not even the janitor cleaning up for the expert's trophy wife. I'm not about to attempt to argue the ins and outs of CO2 levels and I'm not going anywhere near the effect of sunspot levels. According to some, CO2 levels are making the temperature go up and according to others, it was caused by the increasing number of sunspots, which has gone down recently. Apparently, the scientists who said that rising temperatures were caused by excessively flatulent cows have been completely discredited. Whatever.

I'll admit that I believed that the recent onset of this phenomenon was caused by us. Now, I've already established that I'm not very bright, so accusing me of being an idiot for believing it doesn't make you a better person. I mean, it's not exactly a secret on this side. Apparently, the sunspot theory has proved to be the correct one.

Almost no one knew about the sunspot theory, however, so just because some didn't believe that global warming was man-made doesn't make those people right when they hear about sunspots. These people didn't have any proof backing up their non-belief in man-made global warming. They just didn't understand anything about CO2 levels, so they fought against it. They're like those people who claimed that the Earth was flat. They had no hard evidence to back that up. They didn't know that Amelia Earheart was going to fly off the side of the world like that; they were just sticking with the establishment and caught a lucky break.

But saying that two years of lower temperatures completely disproves man-made global warming comes from the same school of thought that says that staying off the ground for longer than two seconds means you can fly. I don't know what school that is, but I'm betting all the students have to use safety scissors.

However, the global warming debate isn't my fight. I don't have any degrees and according to those IQ test ads, I'm really not any smarter than Pacman Jones. All I really want to say is that smog is not a natural occurrence. Smog is not good for you. You're not really supposed to inhale that stuff. Or bus fumes. Or whatever that is that comes out of textile plants. All I'm saying is it can't hurt to stop letting our factories crap all in the river.

If you go out to the Wesley Chapel bridge across I-20 at anytime during a warm summer day and look towards Atlanta, you will see a yellowish-brown haze all of the place. I'm pretty sure that's not the high pollen count, either. Last time I was in New Orleans (well before Katrina), I was on I-10, going past the Superdome when I looked out across the city and noticed a brown haze. I can say with some confidence that the city wasn't trying to match the Saints' colors. When describing a city, the words "dirty" or "frighteningly unhealthy" shouldn't come to mind.

Maybe I'm just being a little skittish, but I'm not of the mindset that says that we should test the upper limits of the amount of abuse that the Earth can take from us. In a rare and unexpected split from the church, I'm going to declare right now that the Earth has been here for billions of years. It's been through meteors and asteroids, fires, earthquakes, pole reversals, you name it, the Earth has been through it. Man (in it's present form) has been here for about 100,000 years and believe it or not, we're pretty fragile. We can't survive getting hit by a well-thrown baseball, let alone giant chunks of rock. Also, we burn up right nice when we get close to fire.

So the Earth might be okay with whatever we're doing to it, but that doesn't mean my lungs or skin are going to be. Sure, the river's going to keep flowing despite the raw sewage, but all the fish in it are going to die or mutate into horribly disfigured killing machines. And dust storms don't hurt the Earth, but the lack of trees hurt us in more ways than hurting the economy. What I'm saying is, whether or not man-made global warming is real isn't even the point. Just as a rule of thumb, it's probably a good idea to stop dumping sludge into our very finite drinking water supply.

Just be glad it was only his shoes...

Did you see the video of the Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at President Bush? Let me help you out with that.



Funny shit, if you ask me. I'm wondering how he got both shoes off that fast. Reminds me of the way Eddie Murphy described his mom's shoe throwing technique, but Bush has a lot of practice at pissing people off, so he knows to always be on guard when someone flips out around him. Bush just brings it out of people. Just look at him. Hell, that squinty smirk of his makes me want to throw my shoes at him right now, but being Black puts me at high risk for getting shot by the Secret Service.

You know, this sort of thing never happened on "The West Wing, " but it's merely a sign how much this guy has embarrassed us. I guess we should be glad that size 10 Thom McAnn's are the only thing that this guy was throwing, becuase if he had thrown the Shoe Bomber's shoes, that would pretty much guarantee that we were never leaving Iraq. Something else to be glad about: At least the guy didn't throw his draws at Bush. Throwing shoes may be the bigger Muslim insult, but that guy throwing his draws would have been...no, wait...you know, there wouldn't have been a downside to that guy throwing his draws at Bush. That would have meant that either the guy really hated Bush or wanted to sleep with him, which opens the door for a whole line of questions about what Bush was really doing over there that I don't think he'd be prepared to answer.

Seriously...someone needs to do this to Dick Cheney.

Trying to solve the "gay marriage" dilemma

Chuck Norris says that Prop 8 wasn't intended to deprive anyone of their rights, but reinforce the belief that marriage should be between and man and a woman. It just so happens to deprive a group of their rights in the process. "Whoops. Our bad." There are other methods that we could have chosen, but we wanted to go with the one that creates more second class citizens. It's kind of like claiming that slavery was merely a way to save the Africans' savage souls: We could have just used missionaries or rational debate, but we chose the method that destroyed the pride and mindset of an entire race of people. And of course...free labor!

Anyway, I'm all about just getting past this whole fucking issue, because gay people marrying each other doesn't threaten anything I do or imagine doing. No one should be throwing up these tremendous roadblocks to stop happiness, because that's what's being done. You're assaulting happiness, which is something I joke about people doing, but I never thought I see actually happen. You're trying to prevent someone from being happy or willingly shackle on the ball-and-chain, depending on how you view marriage. That's what it all boils down to.

But like i said, I'm all about moving past this, so I'd like to just ask two questions; one to people who are against gay marriage and one to gay people, because the second it stops being a semantics argument, the easier it is to fix and get everyone to shut the fuck up about it. I'm tired of talking about gay marriage. I want to talk about shit that matters, not wondering what my two male neighbors are doing in the bedrooms. And in truth, if you're that worried about what two men are doing in their own bedroom, it says more about you than it does about them. They could just be playing XBox, but your deep interest might just mean that you're gay. But I digress.

The first question is to all the gay people in America. If you know any, ask them this question and get back to me. I'm so serious about this.

"Does it have to be called 'marriage?' As long as you get all the rights of marriage, can it just be called something else?"

The second question is to all people against gay marriage:

"If it wasn't called 'marriage,' but it provided all of the rights of marriage, would you shut the fuck up?"

Because to me, that seems to be the entire argument right there, and what a stupid argument it is. People for claim to want to get married and not completely destroy the underpinnings of society. People against claim to want to simply define what marriage is. If gay people are willing to go along with the first question, then logically speaking, everything should be cool, right? Idiots get to keep their definition of marriage and gay people get to experience the soul-crushing death march to the grave known as (word that we will formally replace "marriage" with in the future).

Embracing the term "civil union" should take care of all of this mess. I mean, religion has claimed marriage as God's creation even though marriage predates all of the modern religions. So let them have it, gay people. Let them have marriage. Run with "civil union." They shouldn't have any reason to stop you on that one.

The Dream Shatterer: You Won't Ever Be Rich

"Do you know the difference between you and every millionaire in the world? They decided they wanted to be millionaires and they went out and did it."

There's no mention of marketable skills or work or anything like that. According to the commercial I'm quoting, any loser that wants to be a millionaire can just become one. Step one: Wish to be a millionaire. Step two: Get peroxide ready for all of the paper cuts you'll suffer counting the money that's about to fall out of the sky. Step three: Be millionaire. Step four: Buy midget to become loyal and dehumanized man-servant.

If you won the lottery, then the above could be a true statement, because that's the only hope that most of us have for moving out of our current tax bracket, let alone becoming a millionaire. The truth is, the majority of millionaires have something going for them. They've got business savvy, they can make you laugh until you soil yourself, they can throw a ball really far, or maybe even they have a horrifying lack of morals. If you don't have anything that anyone wants, how do you expect to become a millionaire? If wishing was all it took to get things done, I'd only use the bathroom in the clouds, because I'd be able to fly. If that was all it took, Beyonce would have an Oscar and we'd probably have a shortage of Jews and Black people. To let you know how hard of an uphill climb you're facing, strippers and prostitutes have things that people want and they're still not millionaires.

For the most part, it's safe to say that most of us are never going to be rich. It might be a negative statement, but so is saying that you'll shoot your eye out playing with your Red Rider B.B. Gun. That negativity doesn't make the fact that you're in the emergency room getting a glass eye put in your newly vacated eye socket any less true. Face it: You're not getting rich any time soon unless there's a Monopoly board laid out in front of you.

Scientists estimate that your potential to be rich decreases each year after the age of 22; 22 being the age that most athletes have left college for the pro ranks. That potential coasts until about 26 because that's the age that most CW and Disney Channel actors/semi-talented music acts have been signed. After that, your earning potential drops off faster than Guns N' Roses on this week's Billboard charts. So if you haven't gotten rich by age 26, you're probably not going to.

All of the genius kids have made their fortunes by 20 and the rich kids born into massive fortunes have received their trust funds by 23. If you were one of those, you would have already fired your butler for trying to read this nonsense to you instead of reorganizing your stacks of hundreds by serial number like you told him. That leaves the rare category of small business owners and low-budget inventors looking to happen upon the next big thing, like the ShamWow or the knife that cuts through both tomatoes and bricks (and children) with the same easy motion. Those people almost never make it and if you haven't started filming your infomercial starring that guy who looks like a game show host, you've got no shot at it. Just give up now.

So what hope do you have, Joe Six-Pack or Hockey Mom, of being rich? My guess is that you've got about the same chances as a person does have getting hit by a falling piece of aircraft AND lightning at the same time, during your suicide attempt that came after you realized that you were never going to be rich. Plus, the scam with the syringe in the soda can stopped working around the same time that they realized that no one liked Crystal Pepsi. In fact, the only reason you have to keep going is...no, not your family. It's probably just going to be a fear of death.

It's going to take a drastic readjustment of your goals in life to keep going. So you're not going to be rich. We've already established that 5% of Americans are ever going to be rich, because we haven't started the Socialist Revolution yet. And out of that 5%, at least 0.5% are lottery winners who will be taken for every dime they won by investing in Amway products or commemorative plates, because the same people who are dumb enough to play the lottery every day are the same people who are dumb enough to lose all of their winnings on something as stupid as they are. So you should try to find a more realistic goal in life.

Like "Not telling your boss what you're NOT going to do that day." Since you're not going to be rich, let's face it: You NEED your job and with the economy being what it is, you can't afford to piss away the one thing that's keeping you off the street. Or perhaps you could satisfy yourself with making it to church every week. That way, you can content yourself with being rich in spirit while loading up at the Dollar General. Maybe even trying to lower the amount of liquor it takes to kill the dull ache of failure in your chest. Having the best grammar at the food stamp office. Reducing your food intake to four meals a day. Small goals are what it's going to take to get you from here to retirement. At that point, you won't care about anything because it'll be socially acceptable for you to shit yourself whenever you want.

Look at the bright side: If you were a racehorse, you would have peaked at three and you'd be dead at 18. Of course, the remaining 15 years between you and the glue shelf at Wal-Mart are filled with lots and lots of sex. And speaking of sex, allow me to shatter one more dream for you: Your favorite celebrity is never going to sleep with you.

Batman sues Batman: It doesn't get any stupider than this

Despite the loss of brain function that this level of stupidity inflicts on me, I soldiered on and read the entire article just so I could tell you about it. Hearing about things like this is like kicking my brain in the nuts.

The city of Batman, in southeastern Turkey, is suing Warner Bros. and "The Dark Knight" director, Christopher Nolan for making a movie that uses their city name without permission. I'll let that sink in, because stupidity like this has to digest properly or else you'll get a headache.

The mayor of the city, Huseyin "The Kid in the Helmet" Kalkan, is preparing a list of charges to formally bring against Warner Bros., that include, and I'm not making this up: "Placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film's success has had on the city's inhabitants." Rumor has it that future charges include "making our kids grades go down in school and making our dogs doodle on the carpet."

Kalkan is also supposed to be getting some stuff together that proves that the town of Batman is older than the 1939 first appearance of the superhero. While he's at it, he might want to come up with a story that explains why the town of Batman waited 69 years to say anything about this. It's not like Batman just came out earlier this year. And I'm sure that the fact that "The Dark Knight" is on the verge of earning $1 billion at the box office has nothing to do with this.

Variety also reports that "former natives of Batman are also said to have encountered obstacles when attempting to register their businesses abroad." No word on whether or not the obstacle encountered was uncontrollable laughter and a prompt dismissal of what is clearly a joke name. After all, if someone came to me and said that they were from Flintstones, Australia, I'd laugh at them so hard that I'd never even notice how offended they were, before they packed up their bottomless cars and left. So naturally, I'd just assume that anyone from Batman was in the child sex trade and was trying to sell me a ten-year old in green shorts.

As for why no one from Warner Bros. ever said anything to the town of Batman about "Batman," I quoted myself as saying, "Seriously?" Getting into my make-believe role of "legal analyst," I speculated further by saying, "My guess is that they didn't know the city was there because of the rampant exploding that happens in that part of the world. Warner Bros. has nothing to worry about because some of the sensitive Arabs in the area probably will have burned the town down before the suit is even completed."

There are also now unconfirmed reports that New York is preparing to sue a host of movies and songs, including "Escape from New York," "Gangs of New York," Frank Sinatra, for his hit, "New York, New York," and every rapper from New York for referring to either the city as a whole or claiming one of the boroughs as their own, along with China, who's looking to go after Jet Li for his "Once Upon a Time in China" movies and Guns N' Roses for the just released "Chinese Democracy." China says, "We were willing to overlook the new GN'R until we heard it. We just can't stand for them besmirching our good name like that. It really blows. Give it a rest, Axl."

The mayor of Metropolis, IL, Billy McDaniel says that "Batman is really screwing themselves out of a gravy train," by not embracing this whole thing. "Who needs dignity when your city can roll in the dough having outsiders come to see if your residents really drive Batmobiles to work? You're missing out, dude."

On Michael Vick: Move the F*** On.

Michael's Vick's legal troubles have all finally been resolved and now, it's just a waiting game until he gets out of prison and starts trying to get back into the NFL. No guarantees it'll happen, though, because Roger Goodell is kind of a dick.

But even though he will have paid his debt to society (and the debt of two or three other people) when he's released from prison, and even though he's lost everything (financially speaking), that's just not good enough for some people. There are people who still say he should never be allowed back in the NFL. And that's cool, because it's their right to be stupid.

These are the people who say that playing in the NFL isn't a right. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean at this stage. Working at Burger King isn't a right, either. It's not even a foregone conclusion that he'll even get back to the NFL, but it's wrong to deny him the chance just because some people don't like what he did. Now, if he had been sitting on the sidelines smashing puppy skulls on his helmet, then yeah, I'd say that he should be gone for good. I'd also say he needed help.

But that's not what happened. Yes, he did it, admitted to doing it, and turned himself in. It's got nothing to do with football, though. And crimes away from the field or how clean someone's soul is should have nothing to do with whether or not someone should be allowed to play. People always bring up Leonard Little still being in the league after he killed A PERSON while driving drunk back in 1998. Some people even bring up Ray Lewis's murder trial. I'm going to bring up alleged drunk and rumored racist, Babe Ruth. I don't even know if that stuff is true, but if it is, and that guy's in the Hall of Fame, continues to be celebrated in America, and was immortalized through confectionary and fictional curses, then Vick should be allowed to play again.

What about all of the athletes who hit their wives? They're still allowed to play. Guys are busted for drug use or DUI or gun possession all the time. What about college athletes who steal from other students or cheat on tests? What about when they cheat on their wives? What about when they abandon their kids? Pacman Jones gets to play and he's probably choking a stripper right now. It's funny how these people who continue to judge Vick are doing it based on his crimes against dogs, but the ones who commit crimes against people are fine. The point is, a lot of these athletes are not angels. Michael Jordan is an asshole, but the Chicago Bulls didn't draft him because they thought his aura made angels weep. They drafted him because he was a monster on the basketball court. If whether or not a player was a good guy was the deciding factor to these decisions, then professional sports would be a very boring place because almost none of your favorite players would be in it.

Michael Vick made a mistake. He's paying for it and will continue to pay for it in ways that are far more hurtful than PETA picketing the next team he plays for. Let's move on, as he's trying to, and let the man live his life, whether or not that includes football. Of course, I don't expect that to happen, because we don't exactly live in a forgiving nation. They didn't let that "not guilty" verdict stand in the way of their opinion that O.J. did it.

Ad execs: Stop trying to be my friend

I don't really watch a lot of Black programming on TV, mainly because it's almost nonexistent outside of BET and watching that channel conflicts with stated goal not to set back Black people. I rarely watch TVOne because I can watch reruns on TV Land. But I do listen to the radio (102.5 Atlanta), so I get a chance to hear some of the ways that advertisers try to attract the Black consumer. It's almost as if they're relying on the descriptions of the first Europeans in Africa: "The ways of these Negroes are very savage indeed, and they be very musical people. Also, they offered to put my ship on 24s."

I can't stress enough how much I despise the series of Hillshire Farm radio ads. It's commercials like this that make me think that ad execs really believe that we'll buy anything as long as you sing it to s. And it's not that, it's some sort of discarded Southern rap beat as the background music (usually SUV commercials). Don't let me forget the ones with Black people who have proper speaking voices trying to sound lie they're "down with the homies," so as to better relate to the "urban" demographic, while still enunciating every slang-tinted word.

Person: What is happening, homeboy? I can see that thou art jealous of my new Ford Flex! Its sleek styling assures that niggas will become nauseous with jealousy at the merest sight of it!

Other person: You are correct in your assessment, homie. Your fine vehicle just shitted all over my old car. Surely, the ladies will no longer consort with the likes of me. Regrettably, I have not to finances to acquire such.

Person: Sweat it not, for the noble dealership requires naught of you but a job! Their affordable rates will assure that you shan't miss a single child support payment!

Look, I understand that people want to be sold a product from a voice and a face that they can relate to. I get that. I just don't like the voice and the face that you chose to relate to me. How hard is it to have some intelligent-sounding Black people discussing the product? You think I'll only respond to a commercial because it's got pimps and breakdancers in it, because they are the cornerstones of the "Black experience?" I don't see Latino-based ads with Mexicans discussing the refreshing taste of Coke while they're running from "la migre." Just because you don't see it on "I Love New York" doesn't mean that Black people aren't capable of comprehending regular English.

The commercials don't have to have a sassy Black woman, rappers, or be "hip" in any way. I don't need for your company to show that it understands my struggle. I don't know anyone who bought a bottle of Pine-Sol because they felt like the company was "speaking their language." You're selling me disinfectant, not marrying into my family, so we don't need to have an intimate relationship. Just have two Black people tell me about your company's promises not to put the ebola virus in the bottle (without trying to sound "Black") and get the hell off my screen. If you're selling washing powder to Black woman, then just talk about how the washing powder gets whites their whitest. It's not a requirement for someone to say, "Whoo, chile! This new Tide sho' is good! Let's go tell Big Mama!"

Trust me, we know when we're listening to another Black person, so you don't need to tell your voice actors to be "more Black" in an effort to earn our loyalties. Even Al Roker's voice can't be confused for a white man. We know the difference between our voices and yours, so the stereotypes aren't necessary. Just talk to us like grown-ups. And if you want to show that you're sensitive to the Black community, donate to some schools or build some sidewalks. Don't learn the hard way that pandering is insulting, like Hillary Clinton did.

I Hate You, Beyonce

I remember back when Beyonce was in Destiny's Child and she started that squealing shit. I guess that was her version of the Jodeci "Hoo-yeah," or Michael Jackson's "Shum-on." It was then that I knew that our listener/listenee relationship just wasn't gonna work. I mean, she was cute enough and I was willing to overlook the fact that Mick Jagger having a seizure in a mosh pit had more rhythm. But the squealing was going to destroy me.

Still, that eventually passed over befcause someone must have sat her down and told her than she sounded like two cats fighting it out in the parking lot. The squealing hadn't been heard since and I let the whole thing go. Next, there was the most telegraphed group break-up since Lionel Richie left the Commodores.

She led off with "Crazy in Love," which I never got tired of hearing, because the beat was hot and there was a Jay-Z verse, which means the rest of the song could have been Dick Cheney singing about his war profits and I'd still try to put a positive spin on it. Speaking of Jay-Z, Beyonce had begun seeing him, so out of respect for him, I decided to stop talking about her. It's not like Jay-Z was ever going to hear or care about anything I had ever said from now until forever on any topic imaginable, but I like to think that my efforts meant something. Ultimately, Beyonce didn't appreciate it, because she went out of her way to end my insult embargo.

While "Crazy in Love" was out, though, I began to defend her from time to time, because it's not as if she doesn't have her positive qualities. She's a beautiful girl when she's not all permed up. She's worked hard at being a better dancer and has come such a long way since those first couple of Destiny's Child albums, when she was a constant danger to herself and those around her. But the song quality has steadily declined over the years, going from, "Hey, this song isn't bad (Bills, Bills, Bills)," to "Okay, it's corny, but that's just music today (Bootylicious)," to "What kind of ig'nant shit...(SOLDIER)?"

That's where we are today: Ig'nant shit. In fact, we were at that level way before I had the chance to ask what the fuck a "Sasha Fierce" was. I should have known something was wrong when "Bug-a-Boo" came out, but I just wrote that off as an aberration on an otherwise decent album. I guess she felt that I hadn't been properly pissed off or something, because she followed that up with songs like her faux-reggae, "Baby Boy," "Say My Name," and the focus of at least 74% of my possible hatred, "Irrreplaceable." Due to today's lowered musical standards, the songs were unsurprisingly popular, so I was forced to hear them over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. On a related note, I also hate V103 in Atlanta.

No one ever accused Beyonce fans of having good taste, so I wouldn't expect them to understand why it bothers me to hear her whine her way through a song when I know she's better than that. Her fans would rightly point out that I can't sing and that if I were to start, angels would cast themselves out of Heaven and babies would eat their own souls. Who am I to criticize when I can't sing?

Well, sure she can sing better than ME, but that's like saying that Superman shoots heat rays out of his eyes better than I do. Some things I'm just not able to do and just because I can't do it doesn't mean that I can't tell when someone's doing it wrong. You don't need Spider-Man and Captain Marvel there to point out that Superman's use of heat vision to light schools on fire is a horrible abuse of power. And what Beyonce is doing to music these days is the equivalent of Superman picking off the kids who manage to escape the building unharmed.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she continues the assault on the the children in my ears when "Put A Ring On It." I think some of the stuff I said back in 2001 might have finally gotten back to her, because she wrote this just to get back at me. Or maybe this song is just a joke that I don't get. Either way, it's just an awful, awful, song and she couldn't have possibly been serious when she wrote what passes for a crime against humanity. Songs like this just don't age gracefully and the worst thing that can happen to a music career is to be too closely associated with the stupid. Kinda like how it was over for Paula Abdul after she made a video with that damn cat.

This is the path she's chosen, though, which means as bad as "Put a Ring On It" is, we still haven't hit rock bottom yet. Beyonce fans don't even seem to like that song and I've heard bad things about "If I Was a Boy" that I'll never be able to verify if there is a God in Heaven. If I have to die or go deaf to prevent me from ever hearing that song, then I guess it was just God's will. That's how far Beyonce has taken this thing: Hearing nothing at all has become a viable alternative to prevent me from hearing her.

I'm just kidding, God. I need my hearing. Without it, how can I point out nonsense like this?

An Open Letter to the Bitter McCainiacs (and Palin-drones?)

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64% of Republicans are exceptionally stupid

It was recently reported that 64% percent of Republicans want Sarah Palin to run for President in 2012. And after I thought that this level of stupidity was only found in the Deep South. In 2002, Georgians proved themselves to be that stupid by electing Sonny Perdue as governor just because he said that he'd let the people of Georgia vote on whether or not the rebel shield would be put back on the Georgia state flag. It's that same mentality that wants Sarah Palin to run in 2012. Commentators say that she "energized the base," and maybe she did, but it's not because of anything substantive that she said. The base was "energized" because she said "God," "Guns," "liberal bias," and "overturn Roe v. Wade" in rapid succession. You're talking about people who are too busy hating "liberals" to listen to any real argument. All you have to do is sound like you're one of them, like Palin (and Bush before her) did. These people are known as "values voters," which makes them tons easier to lie to.

Everyone else, or as I like to call them, "People with sense," is/are going to need a little bit more than that to actually cast a vote for her. What are some of Palin's ideas (aside from book-banning and hunting wolves with a helicopter)? What kind of America does she want to bring forth (besides one with no abortion)? Does she have any plans for anything or any original thoughts to speak of (that don't involve firing people with dissenting opinions)? Or is she just going to bring us more of that typical right-wing mudslinging (I'm betting on this one)? Because if that's all she's got, her Presidential bid is going to last about as long as her Vice-Presidential nomination did.

As of right now, no one takes her seriously and even her own party's media arm (Faux News) is turning against her. She couldn't beat me in a debate and she's more closely associated with Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live, and being out-foxed by Katie Couric than anything involving politics. If that's the horse the Republicans are betting on, the Democrats can go ahead and put the 2012 election process on cruise control right now, because Cynthia McKinney and the Green Party will pose more of a threat than this chick will.

Week 9: On the Come Up

There have been those who have asked me why I haven't had anything to say about this year's Atlanta Falcons, and my first reaction to that is, "Really? You really give a crap what I think?"

Then I thought it through a little more. Why haven't I had anything to say about the Falcons so far this year? They're a good team and I'm excited to see a good team for once. I have my opinions about this team just like the last few, but this team doesn't lend itself to nearly as many jokes as the comedy of errors known as "The Michael Vick Experience." When your coaching staff is dumb enough to run the same play for three straight downs despite the defense blowing it up every single time, you don't have to be Jon Stewart to get off a good one.

Not that I want the team to fail just so I can make jokes, but there's not a lot of mileage that I can get out of "Hey, this Dimitroff guy is making excellent decisions." He's not Rich McKay, who brought you such superstars as Jamaal "Begging to Get Cut" Anderson and "Hands of Stone" Michael Jenkins. Coach Mike Smith, while he has made mistakes, doesn't possess the historic levels of incompetence that makes players give up on the play before it's even run. He's not Bobby Petrino, who alienated Atlanta before the preseason started and didn't even have the common courtesy to get fired. He's not Jim Mora, Jr., who turned over his offensive playcalling to someone who didn't know how to call plays.

Also, for whatever reason, this season I've been avoiding the sportswriters community, which always provided me so many openings to show how a job in mass media doesn't mean that these people are smart. Whether its Skip Bayless giving himself a stroke on ESPN or the AJC's Terence Moore finding the negative side to the return of Jesus, I just haven't sought out their valuable counsel in these past months.

Personally, I blame my job for this. I know that a mature adult would take responsibility for their own actions, but if I were a mature adult, I wouldn't have a blog where I call Sarah Palin a complete imbecile. If you want me to write about the Falcons more, then help me get on at the AJC. Let's restart my campaign to get me hired there. Someone hire me a street team.

Now...having said all of that, the Atlanta Falcons are the best of the NFL's worst teams, which is an improvement on "Well, the Rams are still worse than us." Through seven games, they've lost to three good teams (Bucs, Panthers, Eagles) and beat one crappy team (Lions), one high school team (Chiefs), and two okay teams (Packers, Bears). As I write this, they are running away against a team that's so bad that the franchise should be retracted; the Raiders. I really don't think that the Raiders should even count as a real team. The last time the Falcons had a schedule this soft, they went 11-5 and fooled the country into thinking that they could run with the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles.

But this team is better than previous teams, just because the GM has realized that there are 52 other roster spots that need to be filled by good players. The Rich McKay method was to have Michael Vick carry the entire load on his back. The Thomas Dimitroff method is to build an real team with players who are capable of playing in the NFL (It actually occurred to him to have an offensive line that can keep people away from someone that isn't deep-fried and lying on their plates) with coaching that can actually adjust to what's happening on the field (Hey! Let's mix up the playcalling!). I think his method is working.

Even the guys that have been here and failed are playing better than they ever have. Former whipping boys for me like Michael Jenkins and Jerious Norwood...it's like someone sat them down and showed them how to actually play football. So what we need to do is find that person, take up a collection, and get them some free gas or extra lap dances at the Pink Pony or something, because who knew that Michael Jenkins was worth a damn as a football player? For far too long, he's been that girl who was cute, but too big to have an exposed midriff. But this past offseason, her aunt came over and showed her that low-rise jeans mixed with a muffintop stomach wasn't cute. Now, she's catching touchdowns from guys who don't look to take advantage of a girl with low self-esteem. I just got lost in my own metaphor.

All in all, I think that we, as Falcons fans, can finally say goodbye to always being at the bottom of the barrel. We are no longer one of the teams that make the faces of other teams light up. We're now one of the teams with the lit-up faces. Before you know it, we'll have our back-to-back winning seasons and playoff runs, just like all the other teams that have had competent management. So, while this might be just a bit premature, let me thank Arthur Blank for finally realizing that just because Rich McKay is really good at math doesn't mean that he can build a football team.

The Falcons are now 5-3.

My "2 Girls 1 Finger" Reaction

I just got done watching "2 Girls, 1 Finger," the just-as-disgusting companion piece to "2 Girls, 1 Cup." This is going to be my reaction video.

I'm not going to sit here and ask what is wrong with our society, because I know what's wrong with it: It's fucked up. We like shit like this, watching people do the most ridiculous things for our amusement or horror or whatever the case may be. This is who we are and it's not my place to judge, because I just got done seeking out and watching a video where two girls are vomiting and shitting in each other's mouths. What can I really say to anyone? "You're sick for watching that video?" I just got done watching a second version of it. The saddest part of this isn't that two girls are doing this to each other; it's that watching it isn't even a unique or even extraordinary experience for me anymore. Two girls vomiting and shitting in each other's mouths is old hat.

So the question I'm here to ask is, "Where do we go from here?" How do we top this? Because I don't know how much worse it can get. There is a series of videos featuring two girls vomiting and shitting in each other's mouths. Somehow, I don't think that this is the future that the inventor of the video camera had in mind. I think if he knew that a common use of his greatest creation was capturing the sickest, most depraved events that one can imagine for personal entertainment, I think he might have had a few drinks before lighting the whole thing on fire and trying to invent something else.

I mean, let's recap: You have "scat" videos (these fall under that category. Yes, happens so frequently that there's an actual name for it), there's also videos of the BME Pain Olympics (which I will not watch), bestiality videos, Jackass, people accidentally hurting themselves, "Faces of Death," "Banned From TV," and a host of sports injuries videos, starring Joe Theismann. Which means the next way to top all of this is, naturally, eating the feces of other animals. For all I know this has already been a feature of "Faces of Death."

How much worse is it going to get? Are we going to have videos of people fellating their dead relatives before devouring their carcasses? How about people eating fresh roadkill right off the street? Someone really trying to shove a human head inside their own ass? I really don't know where it's all leading, but it's just a matter of time before we really have game shows like "The Running Man" or "The Condemned." We are part of a voyeuristic culture that enjoys the pain, misery, and outlandishness of others without having to actually deal with any of the repercussions, which I suppose is only natural. We laugh at these things, show our friends, turn it off and go about our day. It's safely inside the computer screen, so it's almost like they're not real people. And certainly, they're not going to give us their real names so we can find out where they live. The ones who eat shit are never getting kissed by a well-adjusted person ever again.

Is this stuff wrong? Because I don't go to church, I don't believe it's my place to say if it's wrong or not, and frankly, that's not really the point to this. I'm just asking the question. Is it funny? Hell, yeah, it's funny, because I can't believe someone's fucking crazy enough to do that shit. Just when I thought the kid who lit himself on fire after seeing it on "Jackass" was the dumbest motherfucker alive (actually, that stunt killed him), there's a group of four women apparently competing for a title that the rest of us didn't even care to know existed: "Best at making the audience throw up."

But who can we blame for it? Who can we blame for our escalating voyeuristic desires; we who enjoy the horrific injuries and blatant stupidity? That's easy.

Bob Saget and "America's Funniest Home Videos." Let the picketing commence.

Stop bitching about Obama's Black support

Why does it matter if Black people are only voting for Obama because he's Black? We're only 12% of the population. And we're not like right-wing conservatives, who are small in number but loud and annoying; a good number of that 12% doesn't even vote. So since we're so shallow and uninformed, it's not like the remaining 88% won't have the power to drown us out. After all, the same people who gripe about this are the same well-informed voters who are supporting Sarah Palin just because she said some combination of the following words and phrases: Republican, Bible, Iraq, abortion, overturn Roe V. Wade, family values, terrorists, small government, free market, guns.

I just wonder what the gripe would have been if Hillary would have won the nomination and still have been beating McCain in the polls. Probably the old one were we always vote for Democrats, even though modern-day Republicans are generally opposed to anything that Black people want to do that doesn't involve "getting over" slavery. How Black people vote shouldn't even really be an issue, because there's never been a danger of us electing a President on our own. If there ever was, there would also have been history books with a reference about the "assassination of Presidential candidate Dick Gregory in 1968."

Putting all of that aside, there are a lot of us voting for Obama because of his stance on issues, not because our matching skin tones count as accessories when we go out. Just for the record, when I chose to support Obama, it wasn't because I was against McCain. It was because I like a lot of his ideas. I like John McCain; I just like Barack Obama more. Well, I liked the John McCain that was around before he sold his soul to Cheney, like a conscious rapper looking for a record deal. Today's John McCain does things like select inexperienced women that don't know how to do anything except alienate people as his running mate. So my support of Obama didn't make me vote for him automatically. I wasn't going to vote for him at all at first, because of my desire to help break the two-party system's grip on our nation's government. Then,I listened to a string of his speeches, and I gotta tell ya...that man could inspire a legless man to walk again.

To assume that we're all voting for Obama because he's Black is actually insulting, much like when white people "compliment" Black people by saying, "You speak so well." And just like we're capable of stringing together sentences without sounding like we stepped out of (random example of "urban" cinema), we're also smart enough to decide which candidate we'll support based on the issues. It's not like we supported him for ridiculous reasons like promising to put the Rebel shield back on the Georgia State flag, or because I'm a Born-Again Christian who believes in the death penalty. He's a brilliant man with a clear vision of what America should be, and it happens to be a vision I share, more or less. And to tell you the truth, if Jesse Ventura had decided to run, I don't know if I'd even be voting for Obama. Seriously.

Weren't the failed candidacies of Al Sharpton and Carol Moseley-Braun in 2004 (or Alan Keyes in general) proof enough that we don't just blindly support Black candidates? Let's find a new issue to gripe about. I can't believe people are STILL talking about this.

That's it: Sarah Palin is a complete imbecile

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, in a desperate attempt to completely torpedo the McCain-Palin ticket, publicly stated that Barack Obama cannot be trusted because he's "palling around with terrorists." One can only assume that either she's throwing a temper tantrum because of the way she got handled by Joe Biden on Thursday or that Karl Rove personally wrote her speech.

Earlier in the day, the McCain campaign announced that they were going to get tougher on Obama, beginning with attacks on his character, through the Swiftboat-style attacks used on John Kerry used in 2004. I guess these attacks will be remembered for their complete lack of truth. The next attack is going to reveal how Barack has supplanted Lex Luthor as the Legion of Doom's leader in their ongoing battle with the Superfriends. I mean, since we're just pulling stuff out of the sky.

But really, this is how you want to play this? Barack Obama is fraternizing with terrorists? Jesus Christ, woman, do you really want to go here?

One definition of "terrorist" is " one who terrorizes or frightens others." By that very definition, that would define Sarah Palin as a terrorist, because knowing that she has tried to ban books, knowing that she's against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest, knowing that she really believes that being across the street from Russia counts as foreign policy experience, knowing that she has the same "cowboy" mentality as George W. Bush, and knowing that she could conceivably wind up being the President of the United States, I'm way more afraid of her than I am of anyone that Barack Obama may or may not know. In fact, thanks to Palin's history of trying to get people fired for opposing her, I'll go on record as accusing her of "racketeering."

I can go on about people who "terrorize or frighten" me: Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, the LAPD, the NYPD, Sean Hannity supporters, people who want to swing dicks with Russia right now, Sumner Redstone, and whatever is keeping Al Davis alive...the list is pretty extensive.

We can chalk all that up under "semantics," though, because I'm not an idiot and I understand that none of the above people are actually terrorists; just terribly and painfully misguided. Let's talk about actual "terrorist associations." George W. Bush: Why isn't she railing against him? Everybody knows that he's friends with the bin Ladens. You might have heard of them before. One of them was involved in a dust-up of some sort a few years back. That "terrorist association" is what got the bin Ladens escorted from the country on Sept. 11, 2001, and I'd go so far as to say that "terrorist association" is the reason why we can't find Osama bin Laden right now.

Poppa George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Ronald Reagan...we all know about their ties with Saddam Hussein in the 1980s, as well as Osama bin Laden and al-Qaida, during their battles with the Soviet Union in Afghanistan. And they're all Republicans, just like you. We know that's why you don't throw them under the bus, you partisan cheerleader. Let's not get into who associates with terrorists and who doesn't.

William Ayers, on the other hand, had charges against him dropped in 1974 and he turned himself in anyway in 1980, according to Reuters, CNN, and that bastion of accuracy, Wikipedia. Of course, "Faux News" left that part out of their report, because they're not a real news organization. I had never heard of the guy before, but thanks to Sarah Palin's desire to tear down Barack Obama because she doesn't even know what her own news sources are, I've discovered a person that I want to read up on, because he's got some interesting views. William Ayers is currently a professor of education at the University of Illinois in Chicago, not living in a cave in Afghanistan or a cabin in the woods of Montana. To tell you the truth, with his well-paying and respectable profession and loving family (wife, three kids, one adopted), he's really blowing it as a terrorist.

And as far as Barack's association with Ayers goes, apparently, they met a few times back when Barack was running for Senate and they happened to live in the same neighborhood. Yeah, they sound like blood brothers to me. According to the New York Times, "the two men do not appear to have been close. Nor has Mr. Obama ever expressed sympathy for the radical views and actions of Mr. Ayers, whom he has called 'somebody who engaged in detestable acts 40 years ago, when I was 8.' " In fairness, the full quote was "I was 8, you fucking retard."

These are the kinds of things that have proven to turn off voters in today's climate. People are sick and tired of the childish mudslinging, because really, who gives a rat's ass? Even though Palin claims to read everything, she must not have heard that voters were completely turned off in 2006 by negative campaigning. And really, last I checked, we were all Americans. There is no "other side." It's just us. Well, us and Knicks fans.

I know it was hard to tell, based on the schoolyard-level debating that Palin did on Thursday, but we're all adults here. Either she should admit that she can't talk about the issues because she doesn't know, or just go the hell back to Alaska. Grown-ups don't have the time to listen to her bring up stuff that ultimately doesn't matter, because if it did, George W. Bush's decades-long alcoholic haze and Bill Clinton's weed habit would have kept both of them out of the White House. Grow the fuck up.

Freshly Squeezed O.J.

The economy is in shambles, we're stuck in Iraq, inflation and gas prices seek to ruin us all. But White America slept just a little better last night knowing that O.J. Simpson has been convicted on all counts in his armed robbery trial. His defense was pulped by the prosecution and the Juice will be getting pasteurized. Yes, I've got a million bad orange juice puns.

There was no other way that this was going to end and we all knew it before the ESPN ticker had gotten the words to the other side of the screen. "The Passion of the Christ" had a less telegraphed ending. Gravity is more unpredictable. White folks had never let that 1994 acquittal go and there wasn't a white person in America who didn't believe that O.J. didn't belong behind bars, so the writing was on the wall once we saw that all-white jury. O.J. shouldn't be allowed to run free after making a mockery of the justice system. That right is solely the province of white people. So the storyline going into the courtroom was pretty much the same one that the WWF had written for the Ric Flair's rematch with "Macho Man" Randy Savage: "You did it once. Now, let's see you do it again!" If Vince McMahon had been the judge, the verdict wouldn't have been more obvious.

The sad part is that O.J. was stupid enough to allow himself to be put in this situation again. Doesn't matter than one of his accusers would testify that O.J. was set up. Like Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson forgot he was black in America, so he thought that he could walk around like everything was sweet and because he beat a murder rap, everything else was no big deal. He got off from the big one: Killing two white people. He probably tried shooting himself just to see if the bullets would bounce off.

He seemed to have forgotten how mad white people were and continue to be when it comes to the O.J. trial. I argued with a girl last year who wasn't even old enough to remember it and she firmly believed that he should be burning in Hell right now. They all say that it doesn't matter of O.J. is black; it's all about justice. Then, they defend the cops that shot Shawn Bell or think that the Jena 6 were getting what they deserved.

O.J., listen to me: White people don't like to see black people get equal treatment in this country. I don't care what they say: When they get off, the whole thing was simply a misunderstanding that needed investigating to uncover the facts. When your black ass gets off, it's a miscarriage of justice.

Playing golf all day as part of your solemn vow to "find the real killers" is one thing. I guess you wanted to make sure that country clubs across America were safe as part of your plans to keep America safe. Sure, it was funny watching white people's heads explode, but they couldn't really do anything so you should have just quit while you were ahead. Actually trying to commit more crimes is just plain stupid, because you're not Nino Brown and even if you were, he's still going to jail for tax evasion, despite paying all of the money back.

So enjoy the life in prison that they're clearly going to stick you with, Orenthal. You're not getting out, because after 14 years of trying, they've finally gotten you where they want you. And let this be a lesson to other black people who think they're going to get off from crimes. If Michael Vick wasn't the wake-up call to you, then this verdict should be. I thought that "Never Forget" was the slogan attached to 9/11, but it seems that they were really talking about O.J. Simpson.

The Six Stages of Employee Discontent

1. Surprise: You can’t believe that these people hired you! Lucky for you the stories from your old bosses never made it into your background check. Either that, or this company is really desperate for people right now. Either way, you’re just glad to be working. Sure, it’s not the greatest job and you might be able to make a dollar or two more somewhere else, but it’s okay, because you don’t plan on being here very long. Your resume is all over the place, you’re almost finished writing your book, “War in the Stars,” and your patents for the battery-powered vibrating condom are all ready to be filed. You’re on the verge of taking the world by the tail, or however that stupid saying goes.

2. Denial: Eight months into it and you’re still working there. What the hell happened? All your plans to change jobs fell through and you’ve had to put up with the most ridiculous people and rule changes. Remember the meeting where they said you’d get written up for not separating your garbage? Even though the company seemed really cool and laid back when you got there, things have really started to test your patience. Like the gossip queen or the nosy girl or the gay guy who wants to suck you off every time you’re in the bathroom together. Yeah, you let him do it that once, but he’s really tight with the gossip queen and you’re afraid he could blackmail you. You’ve got to get of here. But for some reason, you keep taking everything that’s heaped upon you. Why? You’re not going anywhere and the company knows it. You still think you’re leaving, though. Your book and your patents are going to pay off. You just know it. And that’s why this one is called “denial.”

3. Despair: “You know, God, if you strike me down right now, I promise I won’t be upset at all.” Those are the kinds of thoughts you’re beginning to have even before you open your eyes in the morning, because you hate going to work so much. “I think that 5 years in jail for bank robbery is an acceptable risk.” You also think that today could be the day you punch out the girl in the next cube who thinks she can sing. Your mind has begun wandering in this way because it’s starting to sink in that you’re going to be stuck working here for a while. After all, it turns out that you’re vibrating condom technology is neither safe nor enjoyable. And every publisher in your city says that your book is nothing more than a very uncreative retelling of “Star Wars,” but that movie is 31 years old. Who knew that they would notice? It seems like all of your plans are beginning to fall apart.

4. Bargaining: Everyone seems to be leaving and getting new jobs that pay better with less stress. Everyone except you, that is. This is the stage where you start begging everyone you know to pass along your resume. This is the stage where you ask everyone to “hook me up!” And if you’re desperate enough, this is the stage where you start to consider the sale of some of your morals in exchange for job leads. You’ll catch yourself saying things like, “In my mouth? Alright, but only if you get me on where you work,” or “I’ll let you put it in my ass for three minutes if you just pass my resume along, Roger.” Yes, you want to leave so bad that suddenly having to take a shot in the ass is no longer a deal-breaker. Ultimately, these things never work, because the fun jobs where they have parties every Friday and ride to work on rainbow clouds are looking for better qualified people than you.

5. Defeat: In this stage, you’re not brave enough to quit, but you’re actively trying to get fired. If you worked at Burger King, it’s the stage where you start getting extremely honest with the customers. You might tell one of them, “I’m gonna spit in your Whopper because your belt and shoes don’t match.” If you worked in a clothing store, you might tell the fatty browsing in the petite section that she hasn’t run enough laps to even accidently glance at size 4 jeans yet. You might tell her she so big that she’s not even allowed to buy them for someone else. And really, what do you have to lose? You hate your job. You’re at the point where you’ll sit in the parking lot and stare at the building before you come inside. Don’t act like you’ve never done it. But what else can you do? It’s a Bush economy and jobs aren’t really out there like they once were.

6. Acceptance: This is the stage where you get used to the idea that you’re stuck working this job because you didn’t listen to your mother and go to class instead of having that ninth shot of vodka off of that girl’s stomach. You feel no need in getting better at your job than you already are, yet you don’t worry about getting fired, because you’re working just hard enough to keep the red Staples box off of your desk. You no longer feel highs, nor lows, you believe that having a phone at your desk makes you somewhat important, and your proudest achievements include your streak of consecutive days coming to work drunk without arousing suspicion. Instead of filling your days with regrets about how you probably should have made that girl go home so you could put in that last ditch effort to write your senior thesis the night before it was due, your mind now tries to come up with reasons why you’re better off here than working for a successful company that pays well. You now defend the company decisions, explaining to your co-workers that we don’t need to have Christmas off. You’ve now become the kind of employee that everyone hates. Enjoy spending the next 30 years of your life stubbornly clinging to this unchanging, tedious, hourly wage job.

The Art and Zen of Naming Wrestlers

Paul Heyman made Albert relevant simply by changing his name to “A-Train.” Before that, he was just Albert: A wrestler so boring, he couldn’t draw heat if you threw gasoline and matches at him while he was sleeping inside of a jet engine. But all Heyman did was change his name, give him a better entrance, and the possibilities became endless. Everything else about him was exactly the same, but he SOUNDED more interesting. Who wouldn’t want to watch a wrestler named “A-Train?” It’s like the difference between a wrestler named Wayne “The Train” Bloom and a wrestler named Blake Beverly. In your mind, Wayne “The Train” Bloom would stomp Blake Beverly’s fruity, purple-star-wearing ass. Names go a long way towards whether or not a wrestler’s gonna get the channel changed on him.

It’s the reason why they stopped calling Triple H, “Hunter Hearst Helmsley.” And it’s the reason why some wrestlers simply won’t stand a chance with the names they’re saddled with. I know; it’s not Vince’s fault that the angels delivered Gene Snitsky’s unborn soul to parents who would actually name him “Gene Snitsky.” But it is Vince’s fault that he looked at this guy and said, “Look, the fact that your ancestors were cursed by phonetics back in the old country shouldn’t stand in the way of my ability to exploit you. Let’s call you something else.” Snitsky’s not a bad wrestler, just a poorly named one. And some things just can’t be overcome.

So knowing this, it baffles the mind why The E insists on calling former NWA World Champion Ron “The Truth” Killings by the ridiculous “R-Truth.” I guess Vince took it personal that Killings found some success outside of his watch and not when he was called the equally ridiculous “K-Kwik” or “K-Krush.” This also baffles me because John Cena and Batista use their extremely bland real names when they could have kept on being “Prototype” and “Leviathan.”

What causes the need for these name changes? Why was “Wildcat” Chris Harris changed to “Braden Walker?” Why was Monty Brown changed to “Marcus Cor Von?” Are their names changed just because they came from TNA? Because in my mind, letting viewers know that Harris was a champion somewhere else or that Monty Brown has won the Super Bowl before might add some credibility to their debuting wrestlers. Otherwise, fans will notice how out of shape they look.

Not only that, what causes them to give wrestlers really bad names? Why make it harder for Kenny “Dykstra” or “Dolph Ziegler” than it has to be? The second I hear a guy come out named “Dolph Ziegler,” I’m instantly reminded why I stopped watching this crap: It’s really stupid. The guy could be Shawn Michaels mixed with Eddie Guerrero and Jesus, but when I hear “Dolph Ziegler,” I automatically think, “This guy never had a chance.

It would be one thing if they were changing these guys’ names to something that sounds good, but they’re giving them names that sound like they should be looking up at the lights at the end of the match. If you’re in charge of coming up with names for people and the best you can do is say, “I’m gonna name this guy after my favorite baseball player and send him out there,” we need to hook up after I get done writing this, because I know you give the bomb head.

Could you imagine if Ric Flair was sent out as “Ricky Fleihr,” because no one had the imagination to actually call him “Ric Flair,” or if it was “Mikey Higginbottom” who debuted alongside Marty Jannetty instead of “Shawn Michaels?” What about “Terry Gene Bollea?” “Sid Eudy?” Or even “Mick Foley?” Of course you can’t imagine it, because even if this fantasy, you know the guy wouldn’t have stuck around long enough for you to remember who he was. If “Larry Pfohl” had shown up in the NWA, I would have been too busy tripping over the strange combination of consonants to notice his lack of wrestling ability.

Point being, it’s all about sounding like a star when you name a wrestler. “Shawn Michaels” sounds like he should be famous for something, be it pro wrestling or drilling your favorite female porn stars. “Mike Higginbottom” sounds lke he works at a used car lot. No offense, Shawn.

Of course, just because a guy has a snappy sounding name doesn’t mean he’s automatically going to be successful, because David Flair went down in flames. But it helps for his name to make him sound like he’s not a loser to someone who hasn’t seen you yet. And just because WCW got lucky with “GOLDBERG” doesn’t mean that sticking with “LASHLEY” was the right move.

Everyone’s can’t be blessed with an ass-kicker’s name, like “Brock Lesnar,” so for every wrestler whose name really is “Garrison” or “Gregory,” The E should help them out by not making them face the world with those names, when they could be calling them “Lance” or “Hurricane.” But even in trying to help these guys’ careers by giving an eye-catching name, The E should still try to steer clear of making the wrestler in question wish he had used his real name instead.