Guess What Bill O'Reilly Said Now

Bill O’Reilly actually felt the need to comment on his experience at a black restaurant in Harlem recently on his radio show. He actually was so surprised that black people weren’t shooting each other to get to the front of the line faster and that his server didn’t have a single gold tooth that he relayed the story to the world, as if the world really expects that in black restaurants you should always expect to see the cook’s platinum chain dipping into the soup-of-the-day.

He said that he “couldn’t get over the fact” that Sylvia’s was “no different” than any other restaurant in New York, “even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronage.” Later, he said, "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' You know, because we’re incapable of making simple requests without saying “motherfucker” first.

Bill O’Reilly, that is some racist shit. It’s not like we bankrupt all our businesses by stealing from the register so we can buy crack. You probably still call us “colored.”

I don’t even think I can follow this up with anything else, because honestly, what more needs to be said? If you are seriously surprised at the quality of a black restaurant in this day and age, something is wrong with you. What the hell do you think we do, throw our food at the floor before we serve it to people? No, wait, there’s white people coming. We’ll wipe it off on our aprons first.

Imagine that black people can sit at a table, with chairs and tablecloths, in fact! Imagine that black people can use silverware that doesn’t need to be rewashed before it’s used! Free bread? Menus? No health code violations? It’s like we’re in some kind of crazy black dream, where black people are civilized members of society! If they keep this up, they might get to ride in the front of the bus or not get sprayed with fire hoses. Sky’s the limit for these black people!

What’s next, a black President? Well, let’s not get crazy. I know it’s mind-blowing that this restaurant (Sylvia’s) didn’t have any metal detectors, but let’s be serious. Black people shouldn’t be in the White House unless they’re part of a tour group.

You know, maybe I shouldn’t come down so hard on Bill O’Reilly. I mean, I once went into one of these black restaurants, and I have to admit that I was shocked, shocked, I tell you, to not see one fried item on the menu. Nothing on the menu was cooked with hog fat, and there wasn’t a single jheri curl or prison tattoo behind the counter. That blew me away. I didn’t even get sleepy after eating the food. All in all, it was a disappointing experience. I had heard so much about these “black restaurants,” so I expected to have at least one lazy Negro give me attitude for daring to come inside and order food.

I didn’t even see any black youths running from the cops. Everyone knows that when black people run and they don’t have a basketball, they’re running from the cops. I saw some black people running, but they were just jogging. Oh, and the restaurant was just a restaurant. They didn’t do any shoe repair or oil changes in the back. They only served food. What a letdown.

What the hell is wrong with you, Bill O’Reilly? Seriously, you couldn’t possibly have been serious about what you were saying. And I hope your listeners understand that we are not some kind of primitive, depraved reprobates that require the strong hand of Christian Caucasian authority to keep us in line. I am truly offended that you felt the need to detail your experiences at a black restaurant. Black people were busy being civilized while your ancestors were flinging poo at each other in a cave in France. Just because some of us don’t know how to act doesn’t mean that we all can’t put on some nice clothes and eat a nice meal at a nice place served by nice black people.

Thanks for giving us the benefit of the doubt, O’Reilly. That’s mighty white of you.

2007 Summer Sports Scandal Wrap-Up

The soul-crushing grind that is the summer baseball season is almost at an end. School is in full swing, so stay-at-home parents are guaranteed a full eight hours of peace in their lives. The Fall TV Season has begun. The heat that melts Blockbuster videos and makes football players pass out has faded. The real sports are getting going and there’s a reason to watch SportsCenter once again. In my adult life, October has become one of my favorite times of the year to look forward to.

I don’t think people really understand how much I’ve grown to dislike the summertime, mainly because I associate it with baseball, the most boring sport I can think of without completely creating something in my head. To try to create a sport more boring than baseball would require a master at the art of boredom, sitting like a statue for hours on end to come up with a sport where two people finally settle the argument of who can sit like a statue for the longest.

The saddest part is, it would probably get a TV deal. Let’s face it, in a world where “The World Series of Poker” can get a deal and the “Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship” was not only televised, but attended by thousands of people, there’s no doubt in my mind that “World Statue Battlers: Super Edition DX” would become a huge hit.

These are the things I think of during the summer, because there’s nothing to entertain me, and the world isn’t ready for my imagination to start wandering. For my own sanity, the time between the NBA Finals and NFL Preseason needs to get a little bit shorter. The thing is, only two months separates the two, but it feels like six, and I believe it’s getting longer every year. Is Bud Selig artificially extending the season and not telling anyone? How do I know that the season isn’t really 250 games long?

I guess it’s only fitting that the most boring sport in America takes place during the most boring time of year. The only reason to watch ESPN at all is to see if there are any scandals that are popping off, and this year’s constant scandals saved ESPN’s ratings. If it wasn’t for Michael Vick’s indictment setting everything off, ESPN would have had to settle for it’s fake “Who’s Now?” tournament. If you ever notice, ESPN always saves crap like this for the summer, and why not? No one’s watching.

This summer, the sports world seemingly lost its collective minds, and I don’t mean in the “Orlando just signed Rashard Lewis for how much?” kind of way. I mean, full-on “No, he ripped off David Stern’s toupee and ate it,” kind of way. These people have gone bats*** crazy, as if millions of dollars, worldwide fame, and a complete separation from average people could really do that to a person. The year isn’t even close to being over yet, and already, every sport has been involved in a scandal of some sort. It’s not like anything like Kobe demanding a trade or something like that. It’s the kind of stuff that shakes the sport to its core.

Thank you, Sports World Degenerates. Thank you for saving me from “Who’s Now?” The last thing I needed was a creepy Skip Bayless fantasizing about some underage girl on a CW show or Jessica Biel talking about anything that didn’t include being naked. I wouldn’t have made it throughout the summer if not for you and the following embarrassments:

Tim Donaghy Defeats the Scourge of Obscurity.

Above and beyond anything else in sports is the Tim Donaghy gambling scandal. It was so big, it took a nothing nobody like Tim Donaghy and put his name on the lips of sports fans worldwide. Even in a world where NBA refs Dick Bavetta and Joey Crawford enjoy a certain level of celebrity, I don’t think I ever heard the name “Tim Donaghy” until it came out of the mouth of an FBI agent. He’s going the right way for a book deal, and that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Why is it such a big deal? The bottom line is this, a professional sports league is only as credible as its referees. And when you have a referee that was not only gambling on games that he was officiating, but also had mob ties, your league has a problem. Now, he’s naming names of other referees who have gambled, not necessarily on games, but on dogs or in casinos. Pandora’s Box has been opened and the feds are about to slide into it, with no condom. I’ll let you think about that for a second.

Adam “Pacman” Jones in “How to Destroy Your Career.”

He’s had numerous run-ins with the cops. He throws money at strippers, asks for it back, and has the nerve to get upset when they refuse. He drives an orange Lamborghini around Nashville with the wrong tags and incomplete insurance information. He pisses off the football purists and media elite by becoming a wrestler during his suspension. And lastly, he became a rapper. Ladies and gentlemen: Adam “Pacman” Jones! And what’s next for the Pacman? Well, the Vegas odds should be on the following:

Porn (2 to 1). Would you be surprised? I mean, it can’t get much lower than wrestling and rapping within a week of each other. Keep an eye on the back room of your local video store for “Pacman’s Pooter Patrol,” “Pacman Nibbles My Pellet,” “Gridiron Grinding,” and “Pacman, You’re A F***ing Slut.”

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: Head explodes, just like that guy at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Salisbury wishes he had enough talent to go down in flames like Pacman is doing. Salisbury gives it a rating of “three bulging neck veins out of four and a broken capillary in his eye.”

Professional Gambling (3 to 1). If he got involved in any gambling at all, it would be proof that all of this is a cry for help. With gambling being on center stage the way it is these days, I don’t think Pacman can help but get involved. He’s probably think it’s a good way to keep his name in the streets.

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: Righteous indignation makes his eyes bleed every time someone brings up either Pacman or video games. Mean-spirited name-calling, claims to be embarrassed for Pacman, kicks John Clayton in the stomach in protest. Turns red in the face; veins in forehead and neck clearly visible.

Horse-Racing (7 to 1). No, not riding horses or even bankrolling a horse. I mean, going the Chad Johnson route and physically racing a horse. They’d go on tour to fairgrounds around the country and charge two bits a gander. People could bring their fastest horses out and put them up against Pacman. Every time he wins, he punches the horse in the face.

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: His anger, being so pure that it could kill a man, would make him tear his shirt off and suffocate John Clayton in his gut before beating Clayton to death with his own arms.

The Dog-Stomping Adventures of Michael Vick.

Like sands through the hour glass, Michael Vick is going to be stuck in a contained space for a long time.

I held out hope that he’d find a way to get off, but every day, he gets closer and closer to the leg-shackles of destiny. His boys have allegedly sold him out, but I say “allegedly” in the same way that I say that R. Kelly “allegedly” had sex with a minor.

And while it’s stupid to sell out the one person in your circle of friends who has any money, it’s also stupid to be involved in dogfighting in the first place or to keep criminal friends around where they can fuck it up for everyone.

Now, the best that Michael Vick’s legal team can do is try to assure that he’ll be able to get back into the NFL after he gets out of jail. What a waste. And there were whispers that fellow Virginia Tech Hokie DeAngelo Hall could be involved as well. The plot thickens, mainly because it simply won’t end.

Barry “Satan” Bonds and the Home-Run Record.

True enough, this has been a scandal for quite sometime, but this is the year when the skies fell, dogs started humping cats, and volcanoes started spewing milkshake, all at once. Everything went wrong when Barry Bonds passed Hank Aaron on the all-time home run list. Why is it such a big deal? Because Barry Bonds “allegedly” used steroids in his career, much in the same way that Dick Cheney is “allegedly” the Devil: We don’t have any proof of our accusations, but instead there’s just a general sense of dread whenever he enters a room. And baseball purists don’t like cheaters in their hallowed “sport” unless they’re Mark McGwire or Babe Ruth.

Don’t Forget About Hockey! Please!

Oh, yeah. Hockey has a gambling scandal, too. But it’s hockey, so no one cared. It involved a general manager or something and I think Wayne Gretzky’s wife. Hockey would have been shaken to it’s core if the lockout and revocation of major network TV deals hadn’t already done it. Truly, this was only a story because the NBA now has a gambling scandal. I would have never remembered this if not for Tim Donaghy…and a passing reminder on SportsCenter.

Hockey: a sport so un-famous that the name of its most famous player triggers my spellchecker. If Michael Jordan’s name was Cheesemaker Leeruangsri it wouldn’t trigger the spell check. Now, that’s fame. Oh, Canada…why won’t you take this game back?

Week 3 - I Hate DeAngelo Hall

We need to find out of football players would be allowed to play with a ball gag in his mouth. And the test player for this revolutionary football gear should be DeAngelo Hall.

DeAngelo Hall has been the starting right cornerback for Atlanta for about four years now. He’s made multiple Pro Bowls. He is allegedly one of the premier defensive backs in the NFL. But damned if I can’t figure out how or why that is.

Outside of being really fast, I’ve never been able to figure out what exactly makes him special. He claims to be the next Deion Sanders, but his coaches have had so little faith in him that he’s never been allowed to cover his man straight up. He’s been burned by so many receivers that even Ray Buchanan doesn’t respect him. Deion Sanders put so much fear in the quarterback that he wouldn’t even throw to that side of the field. DeAngelo Hall gets challenged every game.

No one is afraid of DeAngelo Hall. So what is it that he does well?

He runs his mouth. That’s what he does well. So well, in fact, that the gaping hole in his face was the single biggest reason why the Falcons lost today.

Listen, no one is fooled into thinking that this is a good Falcons team. There are holes at every single position on the field. Everything has to break perfectly for the Falcons to score a touchdown, let alone win a game. So if the Falcons have a seven-point lead and have finally managed to slow down the Panthers sub-par run game, the last thing the Falcons need is 45 yards in penalties.

But DeAngelo Hall is supremely confident, so he must have thought that his team needed to jump some extra hurdles more than they needed a win, because after having a pretty decent game covering Steve Smith (Hall had held Smith to 0 catches and only 4 attempts), Hall decided to give up three straight penalties to the Panthers and as a result, turn an almost certain punt into a touchdown.

The first penalty was a pass interference call that was actually a pretty smart play. Hall was beaten, and Smith clearly would have scored had he caught the ball. So Hall grabbed him to prevent giving up the touchdown. I would have given him a pass on that one, if he hadn’t done this…

If you’re going to commit a personal foul, don’t do it five feet away from an official, directly in his line of sight. One would think that would be common sense, but when your name is DeAngelo Hall, common sense doesn’t always come into play. It’s why a player of his caliber bites on every fake thrown his way by receivers. So he shoved Steve Smith and the ref called him for a personal foul. But it wasn’t over.

While Bobby Petrino was jawing with the refs about whether or not it was a personal foul (the ref said that Hall hit Steve in the head; the replay clearly showed that he did no such thing), Hall was still jawing with Smith. While another ref was breaking that up, he called unsportsmanlike conduct on Hall.

Seven points later, Hall was still running his mouth on the sidelines.

Now, if this was a good team, it probably wouldn’t have been that big a deal, but when you’re the Atlanta Falcons, converting on third down in an uphill battle. If this was a good team, a tie ball game in the third quarter wouldn’t have been a crucial moment. But when you’re the Atlanta Falcons, a tie game means you’re 3 to 7 points away from an insurmountable lead.

Hall’s three penalties and the following touchdown put the momentum squarely in Carolina’s hands. After that, the Panthers run game was flat-out unstoppable, and back-up quarterback David Carr was moving the team downfield. Before you know it, the Panthers had scored again, and that put the game out of reach. You know, because the Falcons suck.

The field goal that put them up 27-17 was just icing on the cake.

But hold! Doth mine eyes deceive me? Art thine noble Falcons making a run? Michael Jenkins catcheth a pass, and another! Warrick Dunn, showeth how fleet of foot he is by repeatedly evading capture! Joey Harrington bloweth the game not! Might the Falcons earn a down of touch?

I say thee nay! I don’t know why I’m talking like this, but the Falcons had to settle for a field goal with four minutes to go. Again, for a good team, this would just put them within seven, giving them a realistic chance to tie or win the game. But this is the Falcons. The game was over in the third quarter, when the Panthers went up by seven. My dad and I were debating on whether or not to change the channel. More important things were on other channels, like what the Cash 3 was today. THAT was an uncertainty. The end of the Falcons game had stopped being in doubt long ago.

Who can we thank for this? DeAngelo Hall, the brave soul who should be the first player to play an entire game with his unbroken jaw wired shut. Thanks a million DeAngelo! Or really, just thanks 45.

And to think, I was really wondering what I was going to say about this game. Just when I decided to not write anything, DeAngelo Hall decided that he was going to save me from not having a chest pains and an anger stroke for the day. I appreciate it, buddy. My doctor bills will be waiting for you at your agent’s office, along with a complimentary roll of duck tape to wrap around your mouth just before game time.

The Futility of the Sports Interview

Joey Harrington was recently asked about whether or not he's worried about losing his job as the Falcons' starting quarterback, since Byron Leftwich has been signed to back him up.

Harrington replied, "I don't worry about the things that are out of my control. The things I control are how I prepare and how I go out any play." Not really a shocker, is it?

It makes me wonder what these reporters expect him to say. After all, he's Joey Harrington, one of the most failed quarterbacks in the NFL today. He doesn't have any fans whose last names aren't "Harrington." He was so bad in Detroit, that he was kicked off of a Lions team that was even worse than he is. His name, these days, is synonymous with "sucktitude."

Of course, he knows that the countdown is on for his bench reunion, but he can't tell YOU that. After all, he's the leader on that field and he's got to convince 10 other guys on that offense that HE is the man. He's got to make that coach believe that he's not going to lose his job for making him the starter. He's got to keep a stadium full of fans (well, maybe half-full) from booing him after the first time he throws an interception. He can't do that and give the media honest answers at the same time.

Can you imagine what would happen if athletes started telling what they really thought to the media? I mean, more than Michael Strahan or Jeremy Shockey or Ron Artest do. Instead of the answer he gave, and the bravado and confidence he had to present, what if Joey Harrington said, "Dude, look...I'm f***ing scared. Game's over, man. It's just a matter of time now that Byron is here."

The sports world wouldn't know how to handle it. ESPN would be frantic, talking about how Joey Harrington has finally broken under pressure. The Falcons would probably have to cut him, because no one's going to follow a leader who they know is scared. The Falcons fans, well...fan, would boo him the second he took the field. The Sports Guy would continue to make hilarious jokes that would make my soul weep. And, of course, Sean Salisbury would go into a furious rage and beat John Clayton into a pile of body parts.

Can you imagine what would happen if athletes started giving honest answers all the time?

What if Jermaine O'Neal told what he really thought about Ron Artest back when Artest was still in Indiana? "Man, this n*gga is crazy. I can't wait for him to get traded. If he hadn't have been laid out on the scorer's table, that retard in the stands would have never thrown that cup, and I wouldn't have had to punch that fat slob in the face defending his stupid ass. Thanks for the suspension, Ron."

What if Derek Jeter truthfully spoke his mind about Alex Rodriguez last season? "Man, he need to stop actin' like a lil' bitch. He supposed to be the highest paid player in baseball and he's dropping pop flies at third base? F*** that. You makin' all this money, we need to be winning championships, period. If you so good, why the f*** are we losing to these sorry ass teams? You can tell him what I said. I wish his bitch ass would come over here. Step to me, A-Rod and I'll stick this rod [holds up a bat] straight up your sugar-sweet ass."

But, no...he didn't say any of that. But he had to be thinking it. Truth is, the sports world wouldn't know how to handle that level of truthfulness. It makes me wonder why we even have sideline reporters in the first place. It's not like they're going to get a hard-hitting interview while the player or coach is jogging to the locker room. You already know what you're going to get during the interview, because, hell...we were watching the game. We already know what went wrong.

Jim Gray: "Shaq, what do you think about how your team played in the first half?"

Shaq: "Well, my feet are hurting, so I can't really keep up with Yao on either end of the floor. Gary Payton's getting burned by Rafer Alston because he's roughly 129 years old. Flash is getting handled by Steve Francis. I don't think D-Wade can shake the defense that Steve is putting on him. We're gonna lose, man. They're kicking our asses. You see that score? I think I'm done for the night."

The truth is, the sports world doesn't want truth. Everytime the truth comes out in sports, people get upset. When Jeremy Shockey told the media what he really thought about Coach Tom Coughlin, everyone told him to shut up and play. When Shaq and Kobe stopped pretending to be in love, everyone told them to shut up and play. Everytime Barry Bonds opens his mouth, people complain about how mean he is. Kobe and his trade demands, Ron Artest and his incoherent ramblings, Terrell Owens talking about anything, or even the recent Donovan McNabb interview. In each one of those cases, the athlete in question was essentially told to shut up and play.

People complain about athletes never having anything on substance to say, but when one does give you some substance, you complain. Donovan McNabb has been blasted by every major media outlet for daring suggest that black quarterbacks are criticized more than white quarterbacks. Might be true, might not, but should we just automatically brush it all off because it's not what we want to hear? Isn't this what you wanted from your athletes? I thought Michael Jordan was wrong for not doing what Donovan just did?

The truth is, I'd love to see more interviews like the ones I just made up, or more like the one that Donovan gave. I want to know what my favorite players are really thinking and feeling. Even though we say we know it, these are real people, and sometimes real people need to get real stuff off of their chests. If you don't like it, f*** you, because it's real. At least someone would have the balls to say it.

But that's probably not what we're going to get. The status quo isn't going to change. Halftime will come and Jim Gray will run up to Shaq and ask, "Shaq, what do you think about how your team played in the first half?"

Shaq: "We just need to go out and play hard, and play strong and I need to just play hard and play strong and just play my game."

Jim Gray: "Thanks, Shaq. Good luck in the second half. Back to you, Marv."

Just in time for the commercial break. After all, it's what you're asking for.

More BS From Jena

Below is a message that a friend of mine has posted, regarding a country music station in Jena, LA and an incident that allegedly occurred the morning of the march. I don't know if it's true or not, because I haven't been able to find any word on it elsewhere, but if it is, please send me what you have, so I can read up on it. I did e-mail the station as a precautionary measure, however. You can read it below, after the links and e-mail addresses.

TM

Racist "Watermelon" Remark from KLAA
FM 103.5 Radio Station

The incident occurred on their morning show the morning of the Jena 6 Protest March.
A radio station broadcaster in JENA on 103.5 KLAA a country station - said "the only business that will succeed today will be a "watermelon stand" as he and the others chuckled."

Everyone please email or call and complain about the Racist Remarks
on the Thursday Morning Show (9/20/07).

Here's the station information:

KLAA – FM 103.5
"Louisiana Country"
Opus Broadcasting of Alexandria, LLC
92 West Shamrock Street
Pineville, LA 71360
Ph: (318) 487-1035
Fax: (318) 487-4419

Email: MCarson@opusbroadcasting.com
Website: http://www.la103.com/home.php

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

To whom it may concern,

I have been hearing that one of your broadcasters made a racial comment about black people on the air on the morning on September 20. Words to the effect of "all black people love watermelon."

Now, I don't know if this is true, because, being black, I'm allergic to country music. I have no way to verify this as of yet, but it's merely a matter of time before I, or someone with a much bigger mouth, does verify it.

You know what was said that morning, so you (or whoever is in charge there) needs to do what you know is right: Fire that person. Racially speaking, this simply isn't the time for people to be making comments such as these. I have no problem with the person in question being a racist, because everyone has a right to be ignorant, but he doesn't need to be on the air if he's going to espouse such views about black people at such a tense time.

I don't want an apology, because you and I both know that he won't mean it.

Now, if I am mistaken, then by all means, accept my apology for making such accusations. It is a sincere apology, because I, unlike the white power structure in Jena, am able to accept when I have wronged someone and am not afraid to make it right. But if this did happen, you know what you need to do. I'm sure you don't want your town overrun with black people again, because it's obvious that you don't like us down there. Why would you risk inciting black people and making us come back down there AGAIN?

Thank you for your time.

Thad Martin
Stone Mountain, GA

Buff Bagwell's Failing Money Making Scheme

ormer WCW Star Buff Bagwell has a Myspace page!

Yeah, I know. Normally, I wouldn't care, either. But I happened upon this page today, where he states that for $9.95, he'll add you to his Myspace friends list. Unfortunately, he deleted the part where he says that he forgot he wasn't famous.

Myspace is a free service. No one pays for anything on here, and if Myspace started charging for ANYTHING, I'm sure the numbers would start dropping dramatically. John Cena is the WWE Champion and one of the biggest names in wrestling. Last year, he had a Myspace page, with thousands of friends. If there was anyone in wrestling who would be able to get away with charging to be added to a Myspace friends list, it would have been John Cena.

How many friends does Buff Bagwell have? Currently, he's sitting firm at 94. Most of them seem to be the pages of other wrestlers and I'm guessing that they didn't pay $9.95 to be added. Demands like that are a good way to get stiffed in the ring.

I'm just curious why he thought that this would work. Clearly, the he's not seeing the windfall. Maybe that's because he hasn't been a regular fixture of a national promotion since 2001 when the WWF fired him after, what? Two matches? He made an appearance with TNA earlier this year, but no one watches TNA. The last time anyone who cared about anything Buff Bagwell was doing saw him in 2001. Everyone else probably thought that he was already dead from steroid abuse.

You oughta be ashamed, Buff. Your remaining 27 fans look down their nose at you.

Niggas vs. Tasteful Automobiles

Straight from the Dumb Nigga Marketing Department:

Just when you thought you had seen the worst that a nigga could do to his car.

After we had survived niggas ruining the legacy of the Crown Royal, the Cadillac, and every big bodied car that Chevrolet made in the 70s and 80s. After we turned a blind eye to gold rims, dropped suspension, , low profiles, neon lights, hydraulics, spoilers on everything, candy paint, and tinted windows so dark that it forced the cops to pull them over. Even grossly oversized rims, the chrome rim phase, and rims that spin don't bother me as much as the hot new nigga craze.

I was riding down South Hairston in Stone Mountain when I rolled up on this car. It was a Crown Royal, but it looked different than every other crown royal, because it was partially painted yellow and partially painted red and it had some writing on the sides, and a picture on the trunk. I became curious, so I got closer.

At this point, I could read what it said, but I thought to myself, "No, it can't really say that. That would be stupid." But when we stopped at the light at Redan Rd. and South Hairston I got a good look at this car and I truly believed that The Hamburglar must have dropped some acid in my double-cheeseburger, because I can't really be seeing this.

The car was emblazoned with the McDonald's logo.

It said McDonald's on the side and it had the McDonald's logo on the hood and trunk. Simply put, it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. The only thing that would have made it worse is if they had somehow worked the McDonald's characters faces into the color scheme. I'm sure that's the next step. It's got to be.

When I got to my parents' house, I talked to a couple of my aunts and they said that they had seen all kinds of products being painted on cars recently. Apparently, it's something that's come out of Alabama, and I wonder why, dear sweet, sugary Jesus, why would you take your cues from people who come out of Alabama?

So all the niggas that can read, come to the computer. I want to tell you something and I want you to translate it into nigga-speak so other dumb niggas can understand this: Corporate America loves dumb niggas like yourselves. What your monkey ass thinks is "dat fire," intelligent people see as "free advertising."

And "fucking stupid." Can't stress that enough. You might as well be painting "White people: Yes, I am a nigger," on the side of your car. On the hood, you can paint the California Raisins singing, "I like chicken."

These companies are constantly looking for ways to exploit you and show you the least amount of respect as possible. This time, they didn't even have to think it up. It probably occurred to them at some point, but they never went through with it, because they probably thought, "Nah...that's ridiculous, even for the marketing department."

Do you really think McDonald's is going to be proud of you for sucking up to them like this? Do you think that Remy Martin (I saw this car today) is going to give you free shit for spending your own money to advertise their product? I know you don't own stock in the company or anything, because dumb niggas don't invest. Dumb niggas don't even have bank accounts.

I really hope this doesn't catch on because if I see a white person riding around with "Abercrombie & Fitch" on their car, I don't think I'm gonna be able to handle it. I'm really hoping that we don't see the depths of the nigga imagination on this one. It's just a matter of time before someone starts wearing Pepsi-branded gold teeth. Ladies with Cristal logos on their fingernails. Kool-Aid branded hair styles. It's not that big of a stretch because some women actually dye their hair with Kool-Aid.

See what you've started? Now my inner-nigga is coming out. The difference between you and me, though, is that I'm probably going to kill mine by reading books and staying out of jail. You know what else they hate? When I wear my pants up on my waist. Gets 'em every time.

Niggas...just stop. I'm tired of calling you niggas, but I can't call you "black people," because you're too busy being niggas. You're enjoying your niggerdom just a little too much and it's embarrassing the rest of us. And I don't want you jumping to the end and just tattooing your faces with these logos. It's stupid to give companies free advertising. Make them pay you for it, like NASCAR, not spending your own money to plaster your car with their logos. Anything else is just backwards.

Or maybe I haven't done enough research on this. Maybe you are getting paid to do this. It still doesn't change the fact that your car looks retarded. NASCAR drivers don't take their cars out on I-285. But it's good to know that niggas can put a price on their dignity. Maybe that's what it means to be "keepin' it real."

An Overview of September 20

Yesterday, the Jena 6 Rally went off without a hitch. I haven't heard any news about black people acting up, which really makes me feel good. I wish I could say the same about everybody.

I spent a good portion of the day defending the Jena 6 from white people who didn't seem to understand what the big deal was. They made points that basically said "it's not like these boys didn't commit a crime. Just because nooses were hung doesn't mean that they should beat up white people." And that would be a valid point if that's what was going on.

After informing these people that we also believe they deserve punishment, just not punishment that compares to what murderers and rapists get, I had to stress the chain of events that led to this boy getting his eye swollen. I had to stress the meaning of a noose in our society. White people don't understand this because there is no white equivalent to the noose, or the Klan robes, the burning cross, or the word "nigger." You say you understand, but you don't really understand. Nothing like that has ever happened to you. Your race has never been made to feel like outsiders in the land of their birth. I can't expect you to understand, but I can expect you to understand this: You can't believe that black people are always going to be civil when there are white people constantly harassing and attacking them. It's easy to judge us for reacting when it's never happened to you.

Having said that, I was proud of my people for showing their restraint when two white teens decided to drive around Alexandria, LA last night with nooses hanging from the back of their truck. An estimated 200 people stood by and watched these boys get arrested, most of whom were black. It would have been very easy for someone to throw something at that truck, get those white boys out and beat them until they loved black people. Again, that wasn't a "youthful prank." There was a set of brass knuckles in the truck and they were trying to start trouble. It would have been nice for them to find it.

It was later revealed that the driver said that he and his family are members of the Ku Klux Klan. Time will tell if any of the charges against this boy stand.

Other than that, the day seemed to go well. Well, not 100% well.

Fox News managed to not know about anything that was going on in Louisiana. I personally monitored their coverage and Jena didn't get a single mention until 6:10 PM. CNN talked about it, but even their coverage wasn't perfect. They referred to the boys as the "So-Called Jena 6." None of the speeches were televised during the day, and the stories were told mostly through the eyes of the white reporters. Tony Harris was there, but he wasn't allowed to say what he REALLY thought about anything. He wasn't even allowed to wear all black until after his anchoring duties were done for the day.

As a result, I e-mailed both Fox News and CNN to let them know what I thought. I suggest you do the same. I also e-mailed Fox News pundit Armstrong Williams to get his comments on Fox News' apparent lack of concern for his people. I have yet to receive a response. I'm almost hoping he'll come at me wrong, because I've been itching to call someone a "boot-licking Uncle Tom" lately.

I'll bet if we were Mexican, Fox News would have covered it.

And of course, there was President Bush's press conference that happened at the same time the rally coverage was getting going. Some people might think it was a coincidence, but being a disciple of "Conspiracy Brother," I believe it was done on purpose. Doesn't the President normally do things like this on Wednesday nights, not Thursday mornings?

But all in all, the day went well. Like I said, no incidents (except the one perpetrated by a white person), no embarrassments (I don't remember Jesse getting much TV time), and I did see a lot of black people wearing black. I don't know how many of them were wearing it out of protest and how many just dressed in the dark, but there was a good number of black people supporting the Jena 6, even if it was by accident. In other news, I met Dominique Wilkins in the post office, and he wasn't one of them. For shame, 'Nique. I would have told you as much if I wasn't trying to keep myself from telling you stories about how I still hate Pete Babcock.

Just a few words about the rally in Jena

Peace and blessings to everyone in Jena.

Today is the day and I wish I could be there with everyone else.

I hope everyone down there stays safe and I hope that the entrenched white establishment there (and its supporters) don't do anything stupid.

Let me stress this, white people: Bull Connor is dead.

Black people, from what I've seen and heard, you are representing us well. Let the new movement begin.

And a special shout-out to Fox News, who apparently has declined to cover this story, instead choosing to focus on the world-shaking story of the cop who shocked a white woman with a taser outside of a club, and of course, O.J. Also, a shout-out to CNN, who chose to refer to the Jena 6 as the "So-Called Jena 6" in their coverage this morning. That's mighty white of both of you.

Shout-out to President Bush, whose press conference just so happened to coincide with the rally. It is Thursday morning. Doesn't he normally do these things on Wednesday night?

A few words for Jesse Jackson: Just stop, brother. Now is not the time. You know what I'm talking about.

To the people around the country who just don't understand what the big deal is: Hanging nooses is NOT FUNNY. White people beating up on black people should also be arrested, but they weren't. It's a crime to point a shotgun at people. You don't have a leg to stand on.

I hope everyone down there stays safe.

TM

"Forgiving Society?" In America?

Someone, anyone...tell me where can I find this "forgiving society" that we live in?

O.J. Simpson was arrested today for armed robbery. You might have heard about it. The headlines read something like this: "Convicted Murderer Simpson Robs Innocent People and Kills Them Because He's A Murderer."

I truly don't care about whether or not O.J. robbed anyone. From what I understand, he claims he was just taking back what was his and one of the people who had it doesn't even want to press charges. No word on whether or not he changed his mind because O.J. threatened to come back in his black gloves and Bruno Maglis.

But one would think that was the case, because every time O.J. has been mentioned in print media since 1994, he's referred to as a "murder suspect," or something along those lines. The white media (and white America as a whole) has never gotten past that case. I figure if you can forgive Richard Nixon for forever tarnishing the office of the President, you can mention O.J. Simpson without suggesting that he actually killed his wife.

It doesn't matter if he actually did it, because it was already proven in a court of law that he didn't do it. Get over it, white people. It's been 12 years. It's time to let it go. At the very least, just admit that this "forgiving society" you keep talking about is just a sham. You're never going to let O.J. live his life. Everything O.J. does is wrong to you, because you believe that he should be rotting in jail. Every dime he makes should be going to Ron Goldman's family and if it goes anywhere else besides that, he's evil incarnate. Forget that he's got kids. They don't deserve any of it, because they should have known better than to share DNA with a murderer.

Even when his book deal fell through, he was criticized for even being involved in the writing of the book. "If I Did It" was loudly condemned by everyone and it hadn't even been released. The Goldman Family attacked what was left of Simpson's good name in the press, claiming that he was admitted what he did and profiting off of it. They said that he was a despicable human being for trying to profit off of the lives of two young, vibrant, white human beings.

Then, a funny thing happened: The rights to that book were turned over to the Goldman family and they released it! Right now, it's the #1 ranked book on Amazon and no one has a single word about how they're profiting from their son's death, which is exactly what they had been doing since the civil trial ended in 1997. They've been bleeding O.J. Simpson dry in the name of justice. And White America has been okay with it.

No one has had anything to say about the Goldmans releasing and profiting off of the same book that O.J. was a terrible human being for writing. Well, I have something to say: Fuck the Goldman family.

I'm sorry that your son is forever lost to you, but that doesn't give you the right to be hypocrites. You people have been about the money since day one, and if you weren't, you would have never brought a civil case against O.J. Simpson. The fact that he was acquitted was never good enough for you, so you had to try to break him and you did. He was forced to give up his money, his trophies, his memorabilia, all to satisfy you. And even that wasn't enough. You criticized him for writing a book, gave him no credit for backing out of the deal, then published the book yourselves and criticized him for your ability to profit off that same book. Most of the proceeds from that book were going to his kids (and his debts), but now that you've got it, all of the money is going in your pockets. You claim that he's starving for the spotlight, but you love it when he's in it, because you're the ones who always benefit. Financially, that is.

America, the Goldmans are the ones you should be attacking in the press. Whether or not you believe O.J. killed his ex-wife and her boyfriend is irrelevant, because you can't prove anything. And whether or not he gets convicted for armed robbery has nothing to do with whether or not he killed anybody. Should he get off from this, you'll never let him live that down, either. You've got a huge problem with letting people move on from crimes that they weren't even convicted for, so I wonder who you're trying to fool with this "forgiving society" crap.

I'll bet O.J. Simpson isn't believing a word of it.

Week 2 - A Painted Turd is Still A Turd

Before I start, I'd like to just say a couple of things, ask a couple of questions about a few things I simply don't understand.

Seriously, why would you want Michael Vick to apologize to the animals? They can't understand him. I would get their opinions on this, but I'm a rational thinking human being.

Speaking of Vicks, does anyone know what happened to Marcus Vick? Is he still alive? You think Arthur would go for signing him?

Consecutive weeks that the football world has rubbed the Matt Schaub trade in Falcons' fans faces: Two. Look for this to go on all season.

When did the Martian Manhunter start working for Fox? I know it was him, because I recognized the shadow-casting, Cro-Magnon-esque forehead. His name is "Tony Boselli" now. I haven't been this distracted by a sportscaster's physical deformities since Brian Baldinger's mutant pinky.

Yeah, Randy Moss has really lost a step. He's barely hanging on out there. I don't know why anyone would sign him. Because he's stinking up the joint so much this year, I'm so glad that he didn't get his wish and sign with the Falcons three years ago.

Depressing, isn't it? Right now, on that field, Matt Schaub could be completing passes to Randy Moss. This is the kind of thing that spawns heroin addicts.

What's even more depressing is, they've started bringing up the fact that Brett Favre also played here before he became a legend. Black tar heroin, please. I'll go tie myself off.

Now, onto the game…

The Jacksonville Jaguars started the game against the Falcons by sacking Joey Harrington on back-to-back plays to end the first drive. I started working on a good bender before the next series even started. By the time Fred Taylor snapped off that 20 yard run on the first play of the next drive, the room was already swaying.

Well, that's what would have happened if I told the story from the perspective of an alcoholic.

Truthfully, even though the Falcons lost this game 13 to 7, I was actually pretty encouraged by what I saw. The run defense looked very good against two really good running backs in Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew. Roddy White is actually shaking off the effects of standing too close to Michael "Can't Even Catch a Stationary Ball" Jenkins. And once again, the loss was not Joey Harrington's fault.

In fact, Joey Harrington had a pretty good outing, except for the times when he was face down in the grass. You'd think the offensive line would try harder to protect a guy that you know isn't going to move after spending the last few years not knowing where the QB was going to pop up on the field. He might stay in the pocket, he might be running past you, he might be running in the opposite direction. You just never knew what Michael Vick was going to give you. But Joey Harrington? Sure he's slow as molasses, but at least he's consistent. If the offensive line was consistent, Harrington wouldn't be wondering if his affairs are in order every time he snapped the ball. He's actually very good if he's protected.

I'm warming up to Joey Harrington, but even still, every time a play breaks down and he winds up pulling clumps of the turf out of his facemask, a small piece of me dies inside knowing that No. 7 would have turned that play into something that made SportsCenter. Of course, I get over it when Joey Harrington does something like complete a pass downfield. I'm so conflicted right now.

But one thing I'm not conflicted about: How overrated DeAngelo Hall is. He had a decent game today, though, mainly because Jacksonville's passing game isn't that great, Matt Jones is so slow that Mike Zimmer let Hall play Jones one-on-one, and the Jags spent more time testing Lewis "Can't Cover His Own Privates With His Hands" Sanders. In case you were wondering if he might be related to Deion, I'll just suggest that Lewis changes his name to avoid any confusion.

In fact, anytime the Jags moved down the field, it was through the passing game. They scored their only touchdown on a pass in the third quarter, which wouldn't have mattered much if Matt Prater had made his two field goals. Instead, that one touchdown gave the Jags an insurmountable lead of three points, which was eventually extended to six.

As a result, I fully expect kicker Matt Prater's things to be packed in a Staples box and waiting for him in the parking lot as soon as he returns to Atlanta. Bobby Petrino, I need something cleared up: Were you aware that Martin Gramatica was available? Did you really need to cut Morten Andersen? Prater wasn't any good in no-pressure situations in the preseason. You had to know this was coming.

No, the Matt Prater Experiment is ending shortly, much like I suspect the Chris Redman Hypothesis will conclude as soon as D.J. Shockley is healthy. The sooner it happens, the sooner they can help Michael Jenkins adjust to unemployment when the Michael Jenkins Supposition is over. I'm sure you'll find that the answer will be, "No, his hands don't work."

I still feel good about this team, even if they're having a hard time scoring. I don't think they're as bad as everyone is making them out to be. They're a decent team defensively, and if the offensive line can keep the QB standing upright, they'll be able to score some points. Also, the sooner that Bobby Petrino learns that his RBs are better in open space, the sooner that the run game will start mattering again.

I just don't get it: If you want a running back to plow through the tackles, why didn't you keep Jason Snelling? Why don't you play Ovie Mughelli? Once again, is it too late to take back T.J. Duckett?

All in all, even though the Falcons lost again, needlessly, I'm not really upset about it. Maybe I've transcended into some higher plane of thought that allows me to see only the bright spots of yet another crushing defeat. Maybe I'm working really hard to keep my hopes up that the Falcons can turn it around. Maybe I just don't want to be wrong about this team. Or maybe I'm so drunk that I can't really see the keyboard.

Maybe I've really secretly given up on the team and don't expect them to win. If that's the case, this is all your fault, Michael Vick. I'm going to go flush all my Vaporub down the toilet in protest.

A Show of Support for the Jena 6

As part of the case against the Jena 6, it was alleged that the sneakers that the boys were wearing could be considered a “dangerous weapon,” because as we know, rubber soles have a long and wholly imagined history of causing severe head trauma. This was the reason why the charges brought included “aggravated battery.”

On September 20, 2007, black people are going down to Jena to protest this sham of a judicial system. Now, we all can’t go, because everybody doesn’t have money like that. I, personally, do not have a job, so there’s no way I can make the trip. But I want to show support for the Jena 6. Yelling about it in my blog isn’t enough.

On the Michael Baisden show, he had a caller (Shanelle, I believe was her name) suggest a way to mock the judiciary down there: She suggested taking shoes down to the police department in Jena and turn them in as “dangerous weapons.”

I thought it was a brilliant way to show support for the Jena 6 as well as give a “f-you” to the police department, the district attorney, and basically the entire local government of Jena. So that’s what I’ve decided to do. I’m sending about four pairs of sneakers to the District Attorney’s P.O. Box with the following note enclosed: “Just wanted to help you get these ‘dangerous weapons’ off the street.

At the very least, I’ll mildly irritate this man. And it’s funny to me.

If you want to show support for the Jena 6, but don’t have the resources to get down there on the 20^th, then send a pair of sneakers to the following address:

Mr. Reed Walters, District Attorney
28th Judicial District Attorney’s Office
P.O. Box 1940
Jena, La. 71342

Spread the word and if you know anyone else who might be interested, please pass along this information.

Thanks for reading and Support the Jena 6!

TM

Kanye West is a Bitch

A spoiled crybaby. All you Kanye West fans are supporting a spoiled crybaby.

This dude threw two temper tantrums after the MTV Video Music Awards last night, after he didn't win any of the five awards he was nominated for and after he wasn't asked to open the show. Reports from backstage stated that he stomped his feet out of anger, and generally acted like a little bitch.

Unconfirmed reports have West hitting people with his bottle and rubbing his head and face into the carpet out of frustration. In addition to vowing "never (to) return to MTV," he also vowed that he would "tell my momma on you," before pulling up his saggy diaper and storming away.

Why can't Kanye West ever lose gracefully? At last year's MTV Europe VMAs, he stormed the stage, because he didn't win Best Video. In 2004, he claimed he was "robbed," because he didn't win didn't win Best New Artist at the American Music Awards. Well, this year he didn't win any of the five awards he could have won, and it's probably because it's more fun to watch him show the maturity of a four year old in the candy aisle at Kroger's than to watch him suck himself off on stage. Is it possible that someone can just be better than he is? No one gives a crap if you got played on Chappelle's Show and The Boondocks.

EPMD already made a song called 'Gold Digger," anyway.

Not only that, he hated on Britney because he opened the show on the main stage and he didn't. Who the hell cares? He was on the show, wasn't he? They didn't have to let him perform at all. Ain't nobody worried about Kanye West. What's he gonna do, send all his videos to BET? Let us know how that works out for you, Kanye.

Then, he tried to play the race card on both subjects. He suggested that he wasn't allowed to open the show because "maybe my skin's not right." Shut the hell up, Kanye. Britney opened the show because she's a damn train wreck, not because she's white or talented. MTV was hoping that she'd fall off the stage or snort a line of coke off of one of her dancer's backs. Britney Spears' appearance guaranteed that people were going to watch. Kanye West's performance would have guaranteed that I still wouldn't care.

People are watching the news and hunting on YouTube for the Britney performance. People are talking about how she completely blew it. No one would have cared if Kanye West had opened the show, because no one's talking about Kanye West. I hadn't given Kanye West a thought since the last time he bitched out over an award. Meanwhile, just last week, I got to see Britney Spears wreck her car, leave the scene, AND watch her assault the paparazzi all in the same program. E! just might be the greatest channel ever.

He also said "That's two years in a row, man ... give a black man a chance." Does he think that claiming discrimination is going to get the award given to him? It's got nothing to do with you being black. I thought fans voted for this stuff, anyway. Not that I care, because I'm not watching, but the way he keeps acting an ass means that next year, there will be a camera following him around and he's guaranteed not to win. MTV might as well rake in some advertising dollars with the footage of a spoiled whiner having another meltdown.

It seems like, based on opinions from the few that I have talked to while I was writing this, is that people have had their fill of Kanye West. I've been screaming "Fuck Kanye West" since 2004, and stunts like this can only have a backlash at some point. I thought he was a grown man, not an eighth-grade girl who's jealous because she can't be the homecoming queen. Grow up, little girl. Remember that you do have a scrotum.

Since he's acting like a little girl, I'm going to treat him like one. I've decided to give him a new name to reflect his bitch-like nature.

"Melanie." Or maybe "Skylar." I don't know which one reflects his attitude better. Please post your suggestions below.

I swear, I want to spit in his face. Bitch.

The First Game of the Season

I can’t believe I waited two months for this.

The Falcons’ just got overrun by the Minnesota Vikings. Listen, I wasn’t expecting the Falcons to win the Super Bowl this season, but I was expecting them to be able to handle the Minnesota Vikings.

I know it was just the preseason, but how is it that they looked that good two weeks ago, and all of a sudden they were a high school team playing against the Indianapolis Colts. Two weeks ago Joey Harrington was shredding defenses. Two weeks ago, the offensive line was a solid wall. Today, the O-line was drilled in more holes than a veteran porn star.

But of all things that happened, I never expected to be able to say this at the end: It wasn’t Joey Harrington’s fault.

No, because in addition to constant pressure from that vaunted Minnesota defense, Roddy White and Michael Jenkins kept dropping passes. Not as many as last season, but that’s like saying, “This time, I only got shot THREE times.” And just like last season, the wrong receiver was on the field. Where was Laurent Robinson? Where was Joe Horn? I barely saw them at all during the game.

Joe Horn had been a playmaker his entire career. Laurent Robinson is a playmaker-in-the-making. I’m talking “bring the ball in even though the quarterback screwed up the throw” type playmaker. He is the kind of receiver that Michael Vick had been waiting for. Meanwhile, Michael Jenkins has been disappointing Falcons’ fans since 2004. He must be offering to play for free, because that’s the only way I can see him keeping his job.

No, none of that can be blamed on Joey Harrington. He didn’t assemble the roster. He wasn’t calling the plays. He was blocking. All of his interceptions weren’t even his fault. One of them, a defensive lineman managed to get off the ground and steal it, but the second one was Michael Jenkins’ fault. Not only did he not catch the ball, but he deflected it into the defender’s hands and made no move to tackle the defender as he ran away. Joey at least made an effort to tackle him. Sure, he almost missed the defender completely, but he’s a quarterback. He gets points for trying.

And speaking of the playcalling, if Jim Mora and Greg Knapp had known that I existed and read my blog, they would have heard me screaming about the playcalling while they were here. It seems that Mr. Petrino is gonna be hearing from me, too. That is, assuming he knew who I was.

You’d think by now that a coach would know a little bit about his personnel, especially a player with the career of Warrick Dunn. Warrick Dunn is about 5’6” and about 110 pounds. He is not breaking through any defensive line. He is not a between the tackles type of runner. Everyone has known this since he was at Florida State. Meanwhile, Jerious Norwood has the kind of speed that you usually expect to see on the Discovery Channel or in cartoons.

Bobby Petrino is the kind of coach that loves a between the tackles runner. He loves a big strong fullback to bust through the line. While it could mean that he has some kind of fetish, it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t have that kind of runner. Yes, the Falcons signed Ovie Mughelli to be that guy, but he didn’t play that much and the one time I noticed him on the field, he was catching a pass. He could have played Jason Snelling if they hadn’t cut him. All that time, that T.J. Duckett trade looks more and more stupid.

Hopefully, Petrino will learn fast that Dunn and Norwood aren’t fullbacks or even that big, but they have strengths of their own, like being hard to tackle or being fast. It’s hard for that kind of strength to shine when you’ve got a 280 pound defensive end standing on your chest.

And then, there was the defense. Excuse me, I meant “defense.”

The Falcons’ run defense would have been more effective if they ran alongside Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, shouting suggestions in their ears that they lay down. And did anyone else notice that on every big play that the Vikings made, there was DeAngelo Hall with smoke coming off of his body, because he just got burnt?

Yes, it was only the first game of the season, but it was a really bad first game against a team that I don’t think is really that good. I’m starting to reconsider my support for the Falcons and my claims that they’d surprise some people.

Well, they did manage to surprise me. I didn’t expect them to be THIS bad. They didn’t even manage to score a touchdown. It’s gonna be a long season.

Falcons 3, Vikings 24.

More Stuff I Saw In The News

Straight from the “No Damn Duh” Department:

Jenny Kephart is suing a casino for taking advantage of her. She claims that the casino knew that she had a $1 million inheritance and had evil plans to take her money from her. Only they did it in a legal, yet sinister way. They convinced her to give to them by tricking her into placing it into a machine with the hopes that she might get more money back. So not only did they steal her money, they showed the woman that she’s stupider than a lab rat.

I wish I was a lawyer for the casino, because I’d love the opportunity to openly mock this woman’s intelligence in an open forum. I’d ask her questions like, “Please show me the man who pointed the gun at you?” She’d look confused for a minute before I followed up with, “Because that’s the only way that you’d get an intelligent person to part with a million dollars.”

This is a clear example of why we need to put people in jail who waste the court’s time. She claims that the casino was after her money, but they didn’t invite her inside for milk and cookies. It’s a casino and their job is to take your money. The word “casino,” in the ancient Hindu, means “Looking you dead in the eyes while we swipe your wallet. Please enjoy the buffet. Wayne Newton will be here all week.”

So if you think a casino should show some responsibility to protect your finances, then you deserve to lose your money. If you can’t be bothered to think things like “Hey, I should really pay my rent this month,” because you swear that the row of slots you’ve been feeding all week is about to hit, then let me be the first to call you “sucker.” The casino would have called you that, but they prefer to call people like you “mark.” And an easy one, at that. Jenny Kephart needs to find something she’s good at, because gambling clearly isn’t it.

Welcome to America, the land where someone’s always looking to legally empty your pockets.

Fat People Are Going To Hell

Apparently, God hates the overweight. There are a string of pastors around the country who have been preaching the Health Gospel, trying to get people not to eat the entire plate of ribs at Big Mama’s house.

Fat people feel as though they’re being targeted, which the church doesn’t really need to do, because fat people are everyone’s target, unless you live in the South, where they like that sort of thing.

Thanks to Oprah, the world has become just a little too accepting of being overweight. Now, the world feels that you’re just fine the way you are. Well, the world inside of our borders. The outside world still thinks you’re a slob.

It’s not that you’re not a good person or should be discriminated against if you’re overweight, but I don’t care what you say, it’s just not healthy. I know that it’s not healthy, because I’m overweight and I’m not healthy. And if the church is trying to do a good thing and get people off the couch and onto the treadmill, then what’s the big deal? Why are fat people always getting upset when someone tries to get them to lose weight?

The argument is, for one, that gluttony and sloth are two of the Seven Deadly Sins, and that you can’t live the life that God has intended for you if you can’t walk a flight of stairs without sweating butter. On top of that, they argue that our ancestors from Biblical times weren’t overweight and if we followed their eating examples, we wouldn’t have to wear clothes sizes that double up on our shoe sizes, and not live in fear of gravy making our hearts explode.

The counterargument is that there’s nothing wrong with weighing 300 pounds, even if you’re 5’2”. I can’t really add anything to this, because it’s so ridiculous that I can’t believe that anyone seriously believes it. You can’t really believe this. You just can’t. Your weight says nothing about your personality, but your weight says a lot about whether or not you’re going to be found face down in a bucket of extra crispy. The truth of the matter is, high blood pressure isn’t a normal condition and neither are extra large clothes.

So instead of complaining about discrimination from someone who’s clearly trying to help you, why not just shut up, take a pass on the seconds, thirds, and fourths, and go walk around the block a few times? You’ll feel better 50 or 60 pounds from now.