Be Happy It's Not "A Woman's World"

Everyone likes to fantasize about how much better things would be if their kind were in charge. It's part of why Muslims are so willing to blow themselves up; because they think that we'd all be happier under Sharia law. They claim past successes like other constantly revolting Middle East societies as proof. The truth is, people pretending to be happy because they were scared. A large part of Sharia law is chopping off body parts, and all that "listening" and "pleading your case" really gets in the way of the hacking.

I say that to provide a warning to the women of the world, because it's well known that nothing is ever good enough for women. They always want more. And when it comes to women's rights, we're on a slippery slope, because in jokes, women are always talking about how great the world would be if they were in charge. Trust me, women, you don't really want that.

How do I know what women want? Because I know a lot of women, and they like to complain about what they don't like. So, it's not like it's a secret about what women want. And what you don't want is to run the world.

I'm not saying that women are incapable of being in charge, because they are. For one, they're in charge of every household in America (except the one on Dr. Phil where that fat kid slapped his mother. That would have never happened at my house, unless I was trying to commit suicide). Husbands (men) dance to the tune that his wife is playing. That's just how life is. But to think that the world would improve because women ran it, well, that's just lunacy.

I don't know where women get off thinking that way, because women can't get along with other women at a garden party. What makes them think that the situation will get better when they've got a nuclear arsenal at their fingertips?

Women get mad at each other over the simplest things, like wearing the same dress, but try to have the rest of us believe that they'll just talk out their problems. They do it all the time on sitcoms. Two women will be sniping at each other behind their backs, but once they're in the same room together, they decide that they adore each other and their burning hatred for each other was all the men's fault. Well, that's bullshit of the first order.

Women HATE each other. I don't have a female friend that hasn't uttered the following statement to me: "I HATE OTHER WOMEN." And with good reason. Women are petty, women are jealous, and women are vindictive. And no man is as hard on a woman as another woman. The only people who call women "whores" are other women, because men are okay with a woman who just wants to get hers. It's not like we can't relate.

And how will women running the world change their relationships with men? You think your man is jealous now because you're making more money than he is? How do you think he'll act when he has to report to you in every aspect of his life? At least now, he can go to work and get away from you.

If women wind up running the world, you might as well just turn into Amazons, because that's going to destroy the entire notion of manhood. And women LOVE manhood. Women love it when their men take charge and show initiative. If women are running things, then who's gonna sing those songs where women love their man for paying their bills? Beyonce's career will become extinct, because she'll have to start adding substance to her songs. And do you really think we're gonna keep opening doors for you? "Shit, you're in charge; you open MY door." You'll be encouraging us to be the lazy slobs you already think we are.

Women HATE IT when men aren't trying to get Master's degrees like they are. Women HATE IT if they have to do something because men didn't do it to THEIR LOFTY STANDARDS. They already resent us for the littlest things, like not doing things like them. If women actually started running the world, we'd see a rash of women dying of aneurysms.

Not only that, women LIKE to use their sex appeal to get their way. Well, if you're running the world, who are you going to seduce? The only reason why that works is because men can't say no. Women were trained (mostly by dealing with horny men) to reject all sex until they decide to go along with it. If men aren't promoting chicks that they're sleeping with, then who are you gonna gossip about?

It's just going to create a world that you, women, will not be happy in. I'm just trying to save you from yourselves. Just be happy with shattering that glass ceiling instead of having delusions of grandeur.

Moral failings are no longer news

Dial it back a little bit, commentators. Tiger Woods' career isn't even gonna take a hit from this. No one even really cared about this story until AFTER he drove into a tree. Until then, it was just another athlete stepping out on his wife. "Yawn. At least Shaq slept with Gilbert Arenas's wife to make it interesting."

Sure, it's embarrassing, having private voicemails and text messages out there in the public eye, but in the end, who's really gonna care? Yes, he was wrong, but he didn't do anything to the public-at-large, so why would any rational person hold this against him? The only person he owes any explanation to is the white woman that hit him with that golf club. Me, I'm just hoping Tiger learned not to leave the evidence everywhere for folks to find next time.

See, people don't seem to realize that we don't live in the "stare-down-your-nose-disapprovingly-and-judgmentally" society anymore. No one cares about the moral failings of our celebrities, which is why "making great movies" is an adequate defense for Roman Polanski drugging and raping a 14-year-old. No, "giving a shit" keeps us from laughing at Lil Wayne having four kids by four different women this year. That shit SHOULD BE disgusting, but that's just the way of the world today. Ah, bastard children. Hilarious.

It's 2009, though, and we love our TMZ, Smoking Gun, and reality TV. We don't like to point out that our public figures are ethically and morally bankrupt (except politicians and corporate CEOs, of course...fucking with my money), because we're writing it off as "entertainment." "I love watching these rich hood rats fight each other, because it's not real life. It's inside the TV. Hey, you heard that new R. Kelly yet?" No, one really cares, because our public figures in 2009 are just as trashy (or in Robert's case, WAY MORE trashy) as the rest of us.

Now, if Tiger had done something that got him put in handcuffs, you might see a little different reaction, the kind of overreaction that's always about "the children." You know, because everyone knows that kids are huge fans of golf and the news.

But the way the world is now, can anyone REALLY get on him too harshly for this? I mean, it's hard to judge someone when you're hiding mistresses' phone numbers under guys names in your cell phone. "No, baby, Jared's not a woman; he's saving his voice for karaoke." It's hard to point fingers when you're taking phone numbers from guys that you KNOW want to fuck you, relationship or not, justifying it by calling them "my friends."

How many regular folks these days are cheating on their husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends? What's the divorce rate these days, like 55%? Politicians are dropping off the moral high horse like flies and it seems like every day, some celebrity is getting caught up in the same trashy drama that regular folks do. It's old hat now, seeing a wife chasing her husband down the street with a golf club, while he drives into a tree. That happened over here six times before the mailman came.

We should just be glad that what happened was all that happened. No one got stabbed, no one got shot, no one got beaten into a pulp in the passenger seat of the car, because Tiger's concussion came while he was still in the house. Allegedly.

It would be nice if all of our public figures would stop sleeping with everyone, but that's not likely to happen. They're not magical faery folk from a fabled land far away, they come from the same places that we do, so it's not like we should be shocked that they act this way if WE are also acting this way. All we can do is keep trying to do better ourselves, and hopefully, it'll rub off on others. And by "keep trying," I mean "START trying."

Tiger Woods ain't gotta say shit

By now, everybody has heard about Tiger Woods running into a tree down the street from his house at 2:30 in the morning. Everybody knows about his face being scratched up, how he had blood in his mouth, and how he was laid out in the street when the cops got there. Everybody knows that his wife busted out the windows of the truck to save him. We also know that Tiger ain't saying shit else.

He's not talking to the cops, he's not talking to reporters; I don't even think he's coming outside until his face is healed up. And you know what? He doesn't have to.

I know reporters are going to keep trying to get at the truth, because that's what they're paid to do. I know the cops want a statement, because he drove over a fire hydrant and hit a tree. But Tiger hasn't committed a crime here. Tiger has no obligation to the press and once he showed his license and registration to the cops, he didn't have to say anything further to them. He doesn't have to tell the whole story to us or anyone else. At this point, all we're doing is wasting gas flying helicopters around his house or posting up on the corner looking for a statement. We're not getting one.

He already said all he was going to say on the matter, and while I don't believe the official story (if she had the good sense to run and get a golf club to bash out the window, why couldn't she grab the extra car keys instead? Because she already had the club and wasn't done swinging it at him yet. That's why he ain't have no shoes on, cuz that chick was crazy.), who the fuck am I?

This is one of the things that's wrong with us: Even though we have all these websites and folks with cameras everywhere and Twitter, these folks are entitled to their privacy and we don't need to know everything that's going on inside their homes. The irony is, the same people who are trying to get the dirt on Tiger (or any other celebrity) are the same ones who sit around complaining about how "that nosy bitch won't keep my name out her mouth."

Tiger (or anyone else) don't owe us shit. Some people believe that because they spend their money to see them or wear their clothes or whatever the case may be, that these folks owe them something. "I spent all this money supporting you, and this is the thanks I get? Where's the gratitude?" It's kind of a backwards way of thinking to me. It's not like we give these people money out of the kindness of our hearts. We're getting something for our money.

We get to watch Tiger play golf or we get to wear Michael's shoes or we get to listen to Jay-Z's music. At that point, we're even with these cats. Money was paid, services were rendered, everybody's square. Obsessing over their lives is something you're doing for free, and just because you're putting all this extra time into them doesn't mean that they actually owe you extra information. You don't extra credit for being a fanatic (or being nosy), unless your goal is to get a restraining order.

So go ahead and keep quiet, Tiger. The speculation is more fun, anyway. And it's amazes me how quickly everyone learned to pronounce "Uchitel."

Atlanta Hawks: When is Mike Woodson getting his extension?

Are ya'll ever gonna pay this man, or are you waiting for him to start turning magic tricks?

I really can't understand what more Mike Woodson needs to do to get some support (the financial kind) from the Atlanta Hawks. In between Billy Knight trying to throw him under the bus to save his job and Rick Sund signing him to two-year deal (that's his way of saying, "we're giving you just long enough to get yourself fired,"), Mike Woodson has taken this team from a joke of a team to the second round of the playoffs. In 2009, they're one of the top teams in the league (record-wise).

And he did it in four years and some change. The team's record got better every season. They pushed the eventual-champion Boston Celtics to seven games. They got out of the first-round for the first time since 1999. I'm thinking he must not be kissing the right amount of ass for them to favor him, even though successful organizations typically just want their head coach to win basketball games. And keep from getting choked by his players.

All he's ever done is his job, without complaining about Josh Smith's bad shot selection or how Billy Knight waited until he was about to get fired to bring in a real point guard. No, we can't have that. Who care that the Hawks are improving? They must want a master showman, full of witty soundbites, like Phil Jackson. Well, too bad, Atlanta Hawks. Every coach can't be Phil Jackson. If you wanted him, you should have tried to hire him. I'm sure he would have stopped laughing at you eventually, but it can't hurt to try.

Instead of complaining about what he isn't, why not look at the facts?

1. He got this team to commit to playing defense. You know, because Woodson understood that if your team can't score, maybe you should see about keeping the other team from scoring, too. So he gave this team an identity: Defense and rebounding.

Sure, some people thought, "Yeah, let's let these high school kids with no real point guard or actual scoring threat just run and gun. It's the best way for them to learn," but those people have no business coaching a team, like Mark Bradley. Sure, they'll be entertaining, but they'll lose. A LOT. Most recently, "the Sonics" won about 13 games using that strategy, and they had Kevin Durant. The Hawks had Antoine Walker and Al Harrington at the time, and they couldn't win using that strategy BEFORE Woodson got there.

2. He turned Josh Smith into a productive player. When Josh Smith came out of high school, he was just a tall guy who could jump really high. He couldn't shoot, he couldn't dribble, and he didn't play defense. He only got drafted because Billy Knight was forever enthralled by Bilas Buzzwords, like "potential," "wingspan," and "athleticism."

And look at Josh Smith today. Averaging about 20 and 9, consistently leading the league in blocks, and one of the team's anchors. Sure, some of that was going to happen anyway, but Josh Smith does some dumb stuff out there sometimes, like throwing up three-pointers that he can't make. Like trying to make passes on the break. And even though he is one of the stars of the team, Woodson has been willing to go to the mat with Josh Smith, which is almost unheard of in the NBA today.

Take on one of your stars? Are you kidding me? I don't care how many bad shots Mo Williams takes, I bet Mike Brown isn't gonna call him out. Josh Smith needed that. He needed someone to say, "Hey, you suck as a three-point shooter. How about you stand closer to the paint. You know, a place where you have the advantage?" And since he never played for Bobby Knight, Mike Woodson had to be that guy.

Yeah, he still takes bad shots, but he's cutting back. I watched a game last week where I didn't see him take a single ill-fated three pointer. Now, that's progress.

3. He thrived as a coach despite being saddled with Billy Knight. That alone should get him an award of some kind. Nobel should start handing out a sports award, because the stars were lined up for yet another first-time head coach to get fired at the start of his third season. Just look at the situation: A poorly run franchise hires a first-time head coach and sticks him with a roster of high school players. That exact same situation has killed tons of coaches, many of them right here in Atlanta. Terry Stotts never did really catch on, did he?

4. He turned the team into something that doesn't embarrass the city. Or was I mistaken when I saw that sold out Philips Arena during the playoffs the last two seasons? It wasn't like so many nights when the Lakers would come to town to play at Staples East. No, these people were actually cheering for the Hawks.

What more could you possibly want? Angels singing his names from the heavens? That won't happen; he's not Tony Dungy. Maybe they're so blinded by the success of years' past that they can't see the good thing sitting in their laps. That happens sometimes when you have such a storied history. Other than the Clippers, how many teams can say that they have THAT MANY consecutive losing seasons?

I get that Rick Sund is kinda new around here, and that General Managers usually like to have their own people in place, but they shouldn't ever listen to Mark Bradley or Jeff Schultz. They've got a really good coach in a league where so many teams fall apart because they don't have one. Not to keep harping on them, but look at the Clippers. Even when they're good, they're a disaster waiting to happen, and Mike Dunleavy doesn't exactly strike me as the captain to lead them through the storm. The only reason why he hasn't been fired is because Donald Sterling doesn't want to have to hire another coach while he's still paying this one.

Now, if the Hawks don't want to pay the man, I'm sure someone will gladly take him off their hands and Atlanta can get back to the days where sadsack coaches could always find a place to hang their hats. But Atlanta deserves better than that, and for the first time since the mid 90s, right before Pete Babcock destroyed it all, it actually has it.

Just give Mike Woodson his extension. No one can say the man hasn't earned it.

...then what was the Civil War about?

Sure, the Civil War wasn't about slavery. Right. You keep telling yourself that.

To tell you the truth, I've never read a book about the Civil War in my life. Personally, I was satisfied with what the American Public School System indoctrinated me with. So everyone that calls the war by it's other made-up names, like "The War of Northern Aggression," or "The War of Southern Independence," could be absolutely correct. And I'm not going to try to correct them. Plus, I think it's cute how they try to make themselves the heroes.

Thing is, changing the name of the war doesn't make it NOT a civil war. "The North vs. the South" is the definition of a Civil War. And it's not like anyone recognized your secession. You couldn't even come up with an original name. "Confederate States of America" sounds like a less-desirous knock off, like "Velvet Revolver" compared to "Guns N' Roses."

So what if you change the name or say the war was about something else? All of the people fighting for the South were still slaveowners, so no one gives a shit about their other problems. That's like saying the Nazis were killing the Jews because of high-interest loans AND because they were Jewish. Like other people who were crippled by finance charges are going to suddenly start defending the Nazis.

See, the slavery part is all we care about, mostly because it was a fucked up part of our past. Who really cares about states' rights, anyway? The only people who care about states' rights are the people who really want to do something crazy, but the Federal Government won't let them. It's not like the government is keeping them from doing something positive, like rescuing orphans from fire-breathing dragons. They're mad because the Feds are keeping them from doing something like bringing back slavery in some states, where "Nigger Hound" would be a glorious job title.

Yet, some folks barely want to admit that slavery was even a factor. They dress it up by saying, "The North was trying to tell the South that it couldn't run its economy how it wanted." And that would sound pretty good if the North was trying to tear down your low-emission, green factories that run on hydrogen and love. But no, the lynchpin of your economy was INVOLUNTARY HUMAN LABOR, so it had to come down at some point, even if the slaves were horrible genetic mistakes, like German people. And if you didn't have the foresight to prepare for the end of that sweetheart deal after 400 years, then you deserve losing everything. With financial preparation like that, I can only imagine how they would have handled the Great Depression.

Just be glad that things changed this way instead of at the hands of a group of slaves, tendering their resignation by choking white people with their shackles.

So, why SHOULD we care about any other possible factors? They all sound like justification for continuing slavery to me, and at this point, it's should be pretty obvious to all involved that Black folks thoughts on the matter are pretty much concrete. Not that they really care about what Black people think, because let's face it, these folks are either racists or bigots. Anyone arguing in favor of the South during the Civil War can probably count all the Black people they've met.

I have yet to hear a compelling reason as to why I should even listen to the argument. It ain't like I'm gonna suddenly gonna hang pictures of Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis next to Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. And it's possible that they were good men, but I don't really care, because in the end, they were fighting to keep my people enslaved. I guess if you wanted me to hear you out, you should have fought a little bit harder when Sherman was burning down Atlanta.

Don't ruin the dunk contest, LeBron

The word is that LeBron James is going to enter this year's dunk contest. Well, allow me to be the first to ask LeBron to sit his ass in the stands.

See, everyone automatically assumes that LeBron is gonna light it up. That we're going to see the second coming of Vince "Dr. J" Jordan. Legendary performances, fireworks, backflips and shit. And I just don't see it happening. Now, if it was some other player, it probably wouldn't matter. But it's LEBRON JAMES. The most famous athlete in the world today. That's only gonna raise expectations that I'm not sure LeBron can fulfill unless he can dunk while still sitting his throne.

Physically speaking, yeah, he's capable of doing probably every dunk you can think up. But he hasn't really demonstrated that ability in games.

Look, there are dunkers and then, there are guys who can dunk. Larry Bird could dunk, but he was too busy dominating the Three-Point Shootout. Tim Duncan can dunk. Hell, it's in his name.

But dunkers think about dunking from the time they cross the half-court line. They are always trying to put themselves in position to dunk. And if someone's in front of them, they're trying to go over the hapless soul who thought that blocking this shot was a good idea. A dunker is the kind of person who wants the defender to be in his highlight reel. Vince Carter was a dunker. Kobe Bryant was a dunker. These are the kinda guys who give you a taste of what you'll see All-Star Weekend...by cramming the ball down someone's throat.

LeBron James just isn't that guy. Most times, if he's going towards the basket, he's likely to avoid contact in the air and lay the ball in. He rarely, if ever, dunks on anyone. And his dunks are all generally the same.

Now, there's nothing wrong with that, because let's face it: Dunk contests don't get you into the Hall of Fame. Dunk contests don't even get you respect. If that were the case, there would be a statue of Harold Miner somewhere. And it's not like there's a process to get in. Doug Christie has been in the dunk contest. Jamie Watson has been in the dunk contest. They're not exactly critical about this sort of thing. And when it comes to things that matter, like titles, LeBron James is likely to get his share. In the end, this really isn't a big deal.

But if you're going to be in the dunk contest, you should be showing us glimpses all along. J.R. Rider told us on Draft Night that he would win the contest, then dunked on Hakeem Olajuwon at the start of the following season. They resurrected the contest for Vince Carter, because his highlight reel was that spectacular. Guys like Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, Clyde Drexler, and Shawn Kemp did their dunk contest dunks in games. In the lane. Going baseline. On fast breaks.

But none of that is to say that LeBron CAN'T do something spectacular. I don't think anyone saw Dwight Howard's performance in 2008 coming. All of that creativity was hiding in there. Who knew? I certainly didn't. I was thinking we were gonna have a Larry Nance sighting. But he showed his ass. LeBron might have some creativity hiding in there that he just hasn't shown us.

But why put yourself through all that, LeBron? After all, the dunk contest has historically been used to establish players. Michael did it for three of his first four years, back when dunk contests still meant something. I believe the only reason he did it in 1988 was because it was in Chicago. Kobe and Vince both got in once, then didn't even bother defending their titles. The last Hall of Famer to even participate was Dominique Wilkins when he won in 1990. Since then, the only potential Hall of Famers to participate since were Kobe Bryant (1997), Ray Allen (1997), Vince Carter (2000), and possibly Dwight Howard (2007-2009). Most of the guys who show up these days aren't even the leading scorers on their teams. I don't even think Gerald Green (2007, 2008) was a starter.

You don't need the stress, LeBron. You're already established. If you were going to do it, your rookie year would have been the time. You and Dwyane Wade could have brought the house down instead of Fred Jones (2004). Is he even in the league anymore? Who he play for?

Just watch it like the rest of us instead of artificially inflating the importance by BEING LEBRON JAMES. Especially when there's a good chance you can't live up to the hype.

Spitting in the eye of the Apocalypse

You'd think I would have become more afraid the closer we got to 2012, but that hasn't happened.

In 2004, I read a book called "Fingerprints of the Gods," handed me my first concrete prediction of the end of the world. Until I read that book, I thought end of the world predictions were bullshit; they were vague and hazy at best, predicting any period of time that could be made to fit the clues. And Y2K was still fresh in my mind, when I watched people less intelligent than I am clear store shelves of duct tape, batteries and bottled water. I don't know what that stuff is supposed to prevent from happening, but it's a universal sales item during all potential disasters.

So when my eyes traveled across the date "Dec. 12, 2012," I was scared to the bone. I didn't even sleep that night. I thought to myself, "It must be true. They gave an exact date. And look at all this professional-sounding evidence." It took me a week to move past knowing when the world would end. I didn't know what to do. Should I inform people? Is the government preparing for this?

But over the years, after doing more reading on the subject, it dawned on me: No one knows what the hell is going to happen. One night in the library, I read no less than 25 separate theories on what's supposed to happen on that date. Yeah, we don't have a clue.

And even if we did, what can we actually do about it? Seriously, think about it. It's not like we can send Bill Pullman and a ragtag group of snowboarders on a race against time to save us ("Wicked Heroes!"). And since it's still a Herculean effort to get 10 people to the fucking moon, our chances of evacuating the earth or loading up arks are pretty slim. So if the world IS going to end, there's NOTHING we can do to stop it. If the world IS going to end, then we are all going to die. Violently and painfully.

No more Super Bowls. No more Pixar movies. Jay Leno will FINALLY get off the air. Looking at it like that is actually pretty liberating.

So, really...why even bother discussing it? The people in movies like this ("2012," "Deep Impact") always try to keep this stuff a secret, because they know how ya'll are. Panicking, randomly killing people, mass hysteria, or as Billy Bob Thornton said in "Armageddon," "Basically, the worst parts of the Bible." You people really don't know how to act during times of crisis.

When I was in college in Jackson, MS, one day, the news said that an really bad ice storm would be coming through the area. The entire city of Jackson shut down for three days. And the storm never came. Three days over rumors of fucking ice. Even if the government knew we were all gonna die, they shouldn't tell anyone. Why should the general public be entrusted with news of their own potential extinction? That's exponentially worse news than ICE. You're not going to handle it well.

But nothing's gonna happen. Or maybe it's all 100% true. I really don't know. Why waste time worrying, though?

Think about it: The scale of apocalyptic events predicted is GLOBAL. GLOBAL EARTHQUAKES. GLOBAL FLOODING. POLE REVERSAL. CONTINENTAL SHIFTING. SUPER-VOLCANOES. INVISIBLE PLANETS HITTING THE EARTH. No amount of preparation will be able to save you from that. I don't care how many rolls of duct tape you buy.

And there will no about be people doing stupid shit all year, because they believe there won't be any consequences. The amount of dumb shit that's likely to happen in 2012 could cause a resurgence of the newspaper industry. Every day, there will be a story of a guy who drove his car off of a parking deck or someone lighting themselves on fire in the middle of the street. And we won't even have to go to Iraq to see this. You telling me you want to miss that by hiding out in your Apocalypse-proof bunker? Trust me, you want to be there on Dec 13. 2012, when your buddy tells you he "banged the hot chick with AIDS" because he thought he was going to die. That story's gonna be really funny over a beer.

So just stop it. Stop it and just go have a beer with your friends. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

The Gospel According to Thad Ochocinco 11/20/09

Sometimes, I have thoughts on things that I can't or don't want to stretch into a full length blog post. So because I don't have Twitter, those thoughts will wind up here. Just random observations about the world at large.

What do I think about...

...holding the 9/11 trials in New York? "Like there's any chance of KSM getting off or screaming any political statements. Please. They know going in what's about to go down. This will be a show trial and those men will be made into examples of how not to attack the United States."

...Oxford Dictionary making "unfriend" its Word of the Year? "I don't think putting made up words into the dictionary is going to increase circulation. How often do people buy dictionaries?"

...Allen Iverson getting waived by the Grizzlies? "Oh, so Mike Conley and OJ Mayo were better options than Allen Iverson? Please. But don't let him stand in the way of Memphis getting back to losing in front of the arena staff."

...Allen Iverson not getting signed by the Knicks? "Yeah, getting blown out night after night is doing wonders for your young players' self-esteem."

...Ravens/Browns as the Monday Night game? "Just in case you were watching too much entertaining football..."

...the Tila Tequila uStream meltdown? "I don't know why she didn't just leave it up. It's not like we're looking at Tila Tequila as a model of respectability. What, does she think she has something left to hide after "A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila?"

...Eric Mangini? "How is it that he's a bad coach now when three years ago, he was 'Mangenius?'"

...the Carrie Prejean sextapes? "It's your only hope of staying in the public eye. Like anyone gives a shit about your book. The only respected pageant winner EVER was Vanessa Williams and we'd all be lying if we said we remembered anything she ever said about anything."

...the Klan's rally at Ole Miss on Saturday? "These are people bitching about others 'attacking their way of life,' which consists solely of attacking others way of life. Like I need another reason to say 'fuck you' to the Klan."

...the reviews for "New Moon?" "It's a movie based on a book by an author so bad, she's doing her college a disservice by admitting that she went there. I hope you weren't expecting high art."

..."New Moon's" record-setting midnight box office? "Never underestimate the power of teenage girls in large groups. Oh, and inflation. Can't forget that."

...Sarah Palin's book? "So I'm supposed to believe that a person who admittedly doesn't read and has tried to ban books from the library when she was still mayor of Wasilla has actually written a book? With substance in it? I'll never believe that. She couldn't even fend off Katie Couric."

...the Swine Flu? "Maybe it'll be dangerous next year. This year, the 4,000 deaths from swine flu are a 1/9th of the total number of deaths from real flu. Calm the fuck down."

...the kids on the burning bus in New York? "Look, I'm glad they're okay, but you have to admit, it sounded like a headline that would include Spider-Man in some way. '35 Kids Rescued From Burning Bus on Verrazano Bridge.' I was looking for a 'Daily Bugle' logo above it."

The Gospel According to Thad Ochocinco: Mostly NBA Edition

Sometimes, I have thoughts on things that I can't or don't want to stretch into a full length blog post. So because I don't have Twitter, those thoughts will wind up here.

What do I think about...

...Byron Scott's firing? "I'd be lying if I said I was on top of what's going on with the New Orleans Hornets, but I guess it can't hurt to fire your coach instead of getting a reliable shooting guard and frontcourt help for your team. Anything's possible."

...LeBron's promise not to talk about free-agency? "I understand that you're used to people doing whatever you say, but reporters are a different breed. They have no problem with making you angry OR being ignored."

...Stephen Jackson? "You're not portrayed as a "bad guy," you ARE one. Like the media needed to work at ruining your image. It's pretty easy to figure out when someone's sabotaging their own team. So congrats on speeding the trade process along, Stack Jack. I bet teams are lining up to get you on their team."

...Antoine Walker's gambling debts? "I guess $110 million dollars just doesn't go as far as it used to."

...LeBron and D-Wade playing together? "Whoever signs them should be able to afford as many as two other players to fill out the roster, before resorting to D-League players for the entire season."

....The NFL's $20,000 fine of Chad Ochocinco? "He got fined $20,000 for holding a dollar that wasn't even his. The NFL is about as humorless as Michael Wilbon. That shit was funny."

...Ron Artest's chances of flipping out this season? "If it does happen, look for it to happen against the Denver Nuggets. Two teams that don't like each other, one of which is really physical and they have Kenyon Martin? It's like God wants to see a repeat of what happened in Detroit."

...Shaq playing for the Cavaliers? "I said in June that it wasn't smart to saddle a team that's DYING to run with another big, slow center. That was before the trade even happened. I also said that bringing back Ricky Davis would have been smarter, before comparing them to an guy dating a girl out of his league. I stand by my words."

...the Yankees winning the World Series? "At least for one year, that joke about the eight year old kid in New York who's never seen a Yankees' championship will stop."

...the Denver Nuggets? "I just think it's funny how everyone completely wrote them off as title contenders this season, even though they gave the Lakers their toughest test in last year's playoffs."

...a possible Saints/Vikings NFC Championship game? "The Saints better hope that Adrian Peterson dies before kick-off, because the gash he's gonna run through their defense will leave porn stars in awe."

...UFC 106? "I thought Brock Lesnar had mono. Shouldn't they have stopped promoting that fight weeks ago?"

...the NBA's rule that players on the bench must stay seated? "Everyone knows that the people who sit courtside are there for the photo op. Like I'm supposed to believe that "Random Starlet No. 34" cares about seeing the game."

...the start of the NBA season? "We're nine games in and I've already seen three of the nastiest dunks I've ever seen in my life."

...the Patriots loss to the Colts? "I'm pretty sure ESPN is lobbying Congress to make all criticism of Bill Belichick illegal."

...the Atlanta Falcons? "They're like the Elixir of Life for dead offenses. Your team having problems with their timing? The Falcons will fix it...the experience of live game speed, without the size of fully grown defensive backs."

...the Oklahoma City Thunder? "Who? I don't recognize that name or city. You better call them by their real name."

...the Chiefs win over the Raiders? "Beating the Raiders shouldn't even count as a full win. They should only get like, half a win for that. It's like beating someone at 'Madden,' but they're not actually holding the controller, because you locked them outside and they can only scream the controls through the glass."

The Un-Reality of Activist Expectations

There comes a time when activists should just back up and take the "L" on some things.

I get that they want to save the whales, birds, trees, puppies, harp seals, each and every person (except for corporate CEOs and Arab warlords, because they're of Satan), and the earth itself. I commend their efforts. Someone's gotta do it, and I can't, because I've got way too much football to watch right now.

But some things just can't be done like they want. Everyone isn't willing to give up their fur, so throwing paint on it is just going to get your ass kicked. Everyone isn't going to buy a Prius or start recycling overnight, and trying to force it on people is going to make them react in one of two ways: Resentment or riotous laughter. Because let's face it, no one ever feels intimidated by the kind of people they see at environmental rallies.

So don't get butthurt because our President isn't willing to walk into China and start demanding that they start their people on a hugging regimen. We're not in the war-mongering mood these days and that kind of attitude is usually followed by slapping someone across the face. With missles.

See, just because we're America, it doesn't mean that we can just get up in anyone's shit and tell them what to do inside their own borders. If that strategy worked so well, someone would have tried it on us back in the 1960s. Or maybe they'd have convinced us not to wage war on a third world country.

Politically speaking, we can't dictate to too many folks right now, especially when they have something we want or need. Like good credit. So what can we really say to China? "Stop kicking your people's asses or we'll run up our national debt with someone else?" If the Chinese really cared what we thought, they'd stop putting lead and ebola in all the foods that they sell to us.

It's not that I think China's human rights violations are okay, because I don't. Yeah, it's messed up that people are rounded up like cattle for the crime of disagreeing, then held in secret prisons every time someone important comes to visit. It really is. It's also messed up that they believe that we can't figure out how this game works. That shows how stupid they think we are. They think we're like fucking babies: If we put the keys behind our backs, they don't exist anymore, even if we can still hear their screams of pain and anguish.

But let's be realistic about our powers of influence: We can't even stop Israel from shooting people armed with rocks, and we actually give them money. Based on that level of control, if we start preaching to China (and by now, they own 17 states), they'll probably have us invading Taiwan by the weekend.

And that's with almost no relationship with China, outside of money changing hands. How often do you listen to the Homeowners' Association President when she tells you that you can't paint your house lavender pink or replace your front lawn with weed plants? You don't know this chick (because it's always a woman) and if you cared what she thought about anything, you would have worn pants when you came to the door. Yet, China's supposed to take a tongue-lashing from us? That's the part where they say, "Yeah, but you elected Bush twice."

Our government just doesn't have the kind of pull that activists think it does. Not with a country that powerful. And they're not even fully aware of their power yet. They're still at a stage where they're pretending to be humble, like when you were still learning to play "Street Fighter." Yeah, you can beat your friends, because you can luck up and bust out the Dragon Punch from time to time, but you're not good enough to do it at will yet, so you're gonna keep your fucking mouth shut when Tony Pham comes into the arcade.

We're just not that swinging dick these days, and it's funny, because I always thought it was economic pressure that got South Africa to end apartheid, anyway. South Africa would have laughed at the US Government if they had come at them all high and mighty in the early 90s. "What, you started playing rap on MTV and now you think you can talk shit us? Aren't your kaffirs rioting right now?"

Economic pressure is they key, because money is what they want. They're perfectly okay with letting us think we're still the only superpower in the world, and at the rate we're going, once they buy us completely, we'll still be able to say that.

But if you want to do something, stop buying Chinese goods. You shouldn't be putting a biohazard in your mouth, anyway. Just because they're all over the place doesn't mean you have to buy them. Why not keep pressuring companies that run Chinese sweat shops? That one kills two birds with one stone, and since both of them probably had bird flu, that's actually THREE birds.

Being critical of OUR government for not stamping out the scourge of human rights abuses isn't gonna solve anything, because it's outside the realm of their powers. All the government is really good at is invading shit, not changing hearts and minds. That's why they arm our military with guns instead of the Care Bears.

Sexism in politics? Yeah, but...not this time.

According to the most important of sources, the political cartoonist, the most hated politicians today are women, and because people aren't imaginative at all in 2009, of course people had to ask if sexism was involved in that.

The four women listed were House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, and Sarah Palin.

Now I'm not gonna say that sexism doesn't exist in politics. Let's be real: Politics has historically been a closed-door club run by rich white men. Claiming that politics is sexism free would be giving these men entirely too much credit. The political arena is about as sexism-free as it is racism-free.

But when you're looking to hand down charges of sexism, can't you come up with better examples than these four? It's like using Glenn Beck as your reason for why we should listen to conspiracy theories.

Yeah, women are always judged on a different standard than men. During the election cycle, Hillary's hair and clothes were commented on, like we were preparing for the swimsuit competition. And being men, we don't like for our women to come off as combative or challenging to our manhood. Is that sexist? A little bit. Having politicians doubling as sex kittens never works, or else we would have seen the John Edwards/Stormy Daniels ticket in 04.

But to claim that sexism is the reason why people don't like these women is like claiming that we don't like Rush Limbaugh because he's addicted to pain pills. No, my friend, Rush gives us all the ammunition we need to hate him on his own merits.

Look, Sarah Palin is an idiot. For all of that talk about her "energizing the party," it doesn't change the fact that Katie Couric tripped her up by asking her what newspapers she read. I don't care what she does for the rest of her life, she'll always be "that lady" to me. Sure, it's an old story, but no one can put a positive spin on that one. And the idea that she came as close as she did to being Vice-President is horrifying.

Michele Bachmann only gets in the news for saying something insane. I don't have to give examples. Just Google her. She has never made headlines for making sense.

As far as Pelosi and Clinton go, I've just never liked the look of either of them. Even when she was still First Lady, Hillary Clinton just seemed shifty to me. Like she was up to something. That has nothing to do with sex, because it's the same reaction I had to George W. Bush when I saw him for the first time, and that reaction turned out to be the correct one. Pelosi comes off like a nag, and no one likes listening to a nag. I've cut off friends for that.

Some might look at that as being sexist. I look at it as hating a perceived quality in a person. While it might be unfair to see Nancy Pelosi as "shrew-like," I also see Dick Cheney as a "soulless demon from the depths." No one ever says that I'm generalizing old white men. They just say, "You know what, you're right."

Better yet, people judge male politicians all the time for cheating on their wives, like that has anything to do with job performance. I'm of the mindset where I expect them to lie about cheating on their wives, because we don't live in a society filled with people who are honest about their infidelities. Some people aren't even honest about condom size, so I'm not gonna hold politicians to some moral standard about this.

The idea that we're even discussing this is a double standard. It's always been said that in politics, people have to develop a thick skin, and in my time paying attention to politics, I haven't heard anything that I'd consider "sexist." I haven't heard anyone telling these women to "get back in the kitchen" or to "know their place," although I won't rule out that Rush Limbaugh probably has.

My point is, aren't we doing women a disservice to constantly come to their defense with these "gender issues" that aren't really there? Is that any different than when people supposedly "play the race card?" Even Sarah Palin said that this is a bad practice that doesn't help women gain acceptance and we all know how much credibility she has.

Then again, there's big money in victimization. Just look at the Republican Party.

Shouldn't you worry about your own house first, Christians?

Note: This was written before a Muslim decided to shoot up a military base, but I still stand by it. Every Muslim you see isn't crazy and deranged. They don't all want to kill "non-believers."

There's no way in the world any Christian can claim that Islam is a religion of violence. Not while they're still a Christian, anyway.

Sure, if you interpret your God to be bloodthirsty, then yeah, you're gonna go around killing people in his name. But if you believe your God is a peaceful one, then you'll be a peaceful person. That's why every religious-based loon believes the scripture told him that he was doing the right thing.

The Klan uses the exact same Bible as everyone else to justify their hatred of other races. The job of the Christian Science Monitor is to back up the bigotry. So do the Skinheads. The Mormons. Fred Phelps. Even that little storefront minister in Arizona who wants the President to die. And that's without even bringing up historical atrocities, like the Crusades or American slavery.

It's laughable to be a Christian and accuse someone else's religion of being violent.

Yet, that's exactly what happens. Christians call Islam a violent religion all the time, in addition to calling it "false," as if that's going to hurt Islam's recruitment numbers. I don't know what makes a religion "legitimate," because it's not like there's a notary office for religions. If there was a some sort of verification process involved before priests could get their "faith license," then we wouldn't have half of the religions that we have. Like the Scientologists would have made it through.

And I assume that the people who call Islam "violent" don't actually know any Muslims. I do know a few Muslims and not one of them ever called me an "infidel." Not only that, they're 100% less explosive than the people seen on the news. They've never tried to take down a plane I've been on or driven any cars into markets. I don't even think they know the first thing about building a bomb. Like all sane people, they just wanna live their lives and be left the hell alone.

Islam isn't any more or less violent than Christianity is, but like Christianity, there are a group of dangerous and violent Muslims who are bound and determined to be a problem for everyone else. No different than the group of dangerous and violent Christians who kill in the name of God. If one is violent, then the other one is violent.

Christians will quote the Qur'an as proof of it's inherently violent ways, meanwhile ignoring the violent passages in their own book, the Bible. And really, without knowing the Bible inside and out, I can say with confidence that it's probably just as violent. The Old Testament alone is filled with stories of people getting killed by God and his followers. And I'm almost certain that at some point, followers are encouraged to kill non-believers. It's not a stretch, considering that everyone is to be stoned to death for almost every infraction. Christians spread their love through the power of rocks at high velocities.

People always invoke the example of Jesus when it suits them, as if the fact that he was a good man will outshine everything else. Let's be real: Jesus was a nice guy. The rest of the Bible is all messed up.

So Christians, let's not act like your book or your faith are sterling examples of peace that the rest of the world should follow, and you're certainly not in a position to call anyone else out. The Muslims I've met in MY life are all non-judgmental, peace-loving people, but I can't say the same thing about all the Christians I've ever met. Those same people who are always talking about loving God are quick to find a reason to kill someone else. Killing abortion doctors or politicians or Jews or Black people or whoever.

Does the Bible reference "hypocrisy," or better yet, "projection?" I'm just asking.

...only if Bill Russell's number gets retired, too.

Why the fuck should the ENTIRE NBA retire Michael Jordan's number?

Look, I like Michael Jordan probably a little bit more than most. I've spent more money on his merchandise than anything else I've shown an interest in. I saw "Space Jam." If I wasn't so damned lazy, I would have been arrested more than once for stalking, and if he decided to go gay and wanted a piece of me, I probably wouldn't turn him down. Yes, he can have my anal virginity just because he's the GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER I'VE EVER SEEN.

And even I think NBA shouldn't retire his number.

Michael Jordan's not some revolutionary, transformative figure. Not for anything that matters, anyway. Yeah, if you work in marketing, he and David Falk probably wrote the book on sports marketing in the modern age. Yeah, if you work at Nike, you owe MJ and MJ alone for continued employment. David Stern, shoe collectors, and let's not forget how we owe baggy shorts and bald heads to Michael Jordan.

But this is a guy who wouldn't even comment on rush hour traffic in Chicago because it was too controversial for his image. The man jumped really high and threw a ball in a hoop real good. He didn't change the fucking world. Other than his dad being murdered and having to deal with Juanita's lawyer, he's never had hardships during his career. He's never rescued anyone from a bear or caught a plane on his back. There are no stories about him getting spit on by racists on his way to the games. And unless I'm forgetting the time he gained acceptance for Earth Creatures in the Congress of Space Monsters, he wasn't breaking any barriers. He didn't open up any lunch counters or blaze any social trails. It's not his fault that he played in the 1980s, but he's not exactly Jackie Robinson.

In my mind, for Jordan to get his number retired everywhere, he needed to do something revolutionary besides driving the price up on sneakers. His number's already retired in two cities, one of which he didn't even play for. I'd probably support baseball retiring Fernando Valenzuela's number before I'd support this. A statement like THAT says that HISTORY is not going to allow you to forget this person. "He might not have been the greatest, but he's still a big deal." Jordan is never going to be forgotten, because the NBA's marketing machine won't allow it. And it's not because he's a great guy, it's because he fed his nuts to Patrick Ewing in the playoffs each year.

Besides, who's to say that Russell's 6 (THE FIRST BLACK COACH) or Wilt's 13 isn't worthy of leaguewide retirement? What about Magic's 32 or Bird's 33 (two numbers worn by about 40% of the league)? The NBA might not have been there for Jordan if not for Magic and Bird. Maybe if Jordan had died while he was at the peak of his powers. MAYBE.

LeBron beating the drum on this, because everyone thinks of Michael Jordan when they see 23 (except for the fact that LeBron himself has already worn it for seven years) is decent of him, but of course, that's a new jersey everyone has to go buy. Pretty shrewd idea, and he comes off smelling like a rose because he's giving props to Jordan. Kobe just looked like he wanted to get over on people.

Still, I don't see it happening. If it does, that's cool, too. I don't want anyone to think I'm upset about the prospect. I just think it's a bit much. I thought the NBA was done nuzzling his balls after his Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

Did Hip-Hop Ruin the NBA?

"Did hip-hop ruin the NBA?"

Well, it's a valid question in the same way that "How many dildos does it take to rupture the anal wall?" is a valid question. Sure, it has a question mark on the end, but it was an in-depth mystery only those with low IQs needed to know the answer to. After all, you're never going to need to know how sturdy your anal wall is...unless you're stupid enough to try to jam multiple objects in there.

That's kind of how I view the theory that hip-hop somehow damaged the NBA: It's pretty stupid to assume that a genre of music destroyed a form of sport. It makes about as much sense as saying that breakfast cereal caused the South to lose the Civil War. The blockade, manufacturing base, and general ass-kickery of the Union had nothing to do with it. It had to be Cap'n Crunch's fault.

Still, some people insist that hip-hop had some kind of effect on the NBA. After all, when you go back and watch recordings of 80's basketball games, there were almost no tattoos, no one wore baggy clothes in any setting, and guns weren't as prevalent among pro athletes. Also, players could beat on each other all day and still not fight each other. Nowadays, all it takes is one hard foul to touch off a riot. It's all hip-hop's fault.

But down here on Earth (actually maybe not Earth; the stupid outnumber the intelligent down here. "In reality?" We'll try that.), we realize that part of the problem is cultural change, unless evolving fashion trends is proof of the downfall of society. "The Greeks knew that the end was near when people started wearing shorter and shorter togas." No, sometimes things just get popular, like tattoos and baggy clothes.

No one ever considers, though, that the world has changed since the 1980's. People have changed. They're not like they used to be, because they're quicker to rob, shoot, and kill folks these days. I'd blame Reaganomics before I'd blame hip-hop, but that's too well thought-out, and as Americans, we've always gotta jump on the bullshit answer. So yeah, let's blame hip-hop. Because tattoos, baggy shorts, and senseless violence didn't exist before rap music.

Personally, I always thought that Michael Jordan was to blame for baggy shorts, just like he was to blame for bald heads, and $160 sneakers being part of a viable business model. As for tattoos, I blame pirates.

And that whole "nigga" mentality that seems to have infected the league, well...that's just a lack of strong male guidance. Hip-hop is a reflection of the changing world, not the cause of it. I personally grew up listening to hip-hop and I've never shot anyone that wasn't a zombie or Nazi inside the television. I don't call women "bitches," and I don't have numerous "baby mamas" to be rotated throughout the week. If it made sense for me to be like my musical influences, then why do country music fans buy cars when there are perfectly good horses out there? They wouldn't even have to put the whiskey away before mounting up.

If that line of thinking made sense, we'd have drive-bys at the stadiums, Ron Artest would have been busted for selling coke at his house, and someone would have tried to play through a game with gold fronts. It's really not as bad as people think. Yeah, the tattoos are a bit much, but that's what happens when a trend takes hold: People wear it the fuck out.

Even the NBA has overreacted, by trying to remove all of the physicality from the game, because a fight broke out between two teams that HATED each other. In the 80's, there were times when fights would happen during the game and people wouldn't even get ejected. Now, players can get ejected if the foul just looks like it could have hurt, and they can't leave the bench without signed permission slips.

True, players now react differently to physical play, but wouldn't you if you were used to playing in a non-physical game? If football suddenly said, "quarterbacks can't be touched under any circumstances," and one got hit, don't you think he'd be ready to fight, too? Yeah, in LeBron's generation, they've probably got thinner skin, but the league's not even giving the players a chance to prove that they're not mindless thugs.

People just need to accept that things change. Players aren't gonna look the same as they did in the 80's, and thank God for that, because personal grooming has come such a long way since then, and our government is finally seeing the results of hormone treatments in our food. For better or for worse, the game has changed. The environment around the game has changed. If folks don't like the pace of the game or tendencies of the players; they don't play as hard or they're too flashy, then so be it. But don't blame music because you don't recognize the face of the game any more.

If anything, blame David Stern for some of those stupid rules.

How To Beat Hate Crime Laws

Let's say you're a white guy; a born and bred, red-blooded, heterosexual, God-fearing American male. You're doing all the right things, working, fucking women, being white, hating Obama, because he's a socialist whose goal is to destroy America. You know, all the stuff God wants you to do. By God, you've even got blond hair. You're just fucking perfect.

You're walking down the street one day and you see these two queer motherfuckers holding hands, and it just fills you with rage, by God. These fucking faggots can't just keep that shit to themselves? It's just enough to make a man sick.

And they're everywhere these days. It's getting to be so a man can't walk to the mailbox without tripping over two men sucking each other's cocks in the front yard. And we can't say anything about it, because it's a PC-gay-friendly world we're living in now. We're a Christian nation and we can't even call out abominations like that. What the hell has happened to our country? We're turning into goddamn Europe. Might as well just start eating es cargo for breakfast. Socialist es cargo.

"Well, not me, goddammit," you think to yourself. "I've fuckin' had enough of this bullshit." And you walk up to those cocksmoking homos and beat the ever-lovin' shit out of them. And it feels good.

While you're stomping them, you're preaching to them, too. The real and pure Word of God. Sure, it's got a few more cuss words in it, but that's okay, because you're doing God's work. You're getting the Satan out of them. And besides, they're faggots. Ain't like they're real people. They're influencing our children by being that way. Now, we got more gay kids than any time in history. That's weakening our national defense, because how's some limp-wristed sissy supposed to hold up a rifle if the Krauts or the Russians get out of line again? No, you're doing the right thing here. Stomp that girly one a couple more times. It'll make a man out of him.

A couple of days later, the cops have the nerve to arrest you for assault. Then you start hearing some shit about being charged with a "hate crime." A hate crime? What kinda liberal commie bullshit is that?

Turns out that you calling them "faggots" and "abominations" while you were kicking their asses convinced people that you were violating their personal liberties. Well, that and the fact that they were minding their own business when you came out of nowhere with a cinder block to the back of their heads. They're saying that you wouldn't have attacked them at all if they weren't gay and that their love of cock is what made you attack them.

"You're goddamn right," you're thinking. "If they weren't gay, there wouldn't have been no reason to get after 'em." And that right there is the problem.

You can dislike gay people all you want. You can say whatever you want about gay people. You can call them abominations before God, you can say that they'll burn in Hell forever unless they repent their sinful ways. You just can't try to send them there personally.

Now, it would be different if you just beat up a feller and it just so happened that he was gay. Say you two got to tusslin' outside of a Waffle House because he accidentally scratched your truck. Say you beat the fuck out of him. That there is just plain ol' assault. It wasn't the "gay" in him that set you off. It was the fact that he's a clumsy motherfucker, which is acceptable in the eyes of the law.

Same thing if he was black. Or Mexican. Or Muslim. Or whatever you crackers are angry about these days.

What they're trying to tell you these days is that just because you hate somebody doesn't mean you have to take all your wrath out of them. But there are some good Republicans left who still think: "Not stomping gay ass = acceptance of gay people." Turns out that's not true. In 2009, gay people have the right to be as gay as they want to be and not get beat up for it, no matter how much him wearing that spandex dress brings up conflicting feelings inside of you. Those Washington politicians are always trying to change our way of life.

Yeah, it's a crazy world we live in where people can be allowed to have as much pounding ass sex with other men as they want and we can't say anything about it. Or be black. Or be "people of terrorist descent." Can't say shit to none of 'em. They want you to go through life believing that everyone has a right to just be what they are, but that's just silly. They don't have to be gay ALL the time. Everyone knows that it's a choice.

So you got two options here: You can either stop beating on people for being different (which is so unfair, I know), or you can still beat their hellbound asses...but it has to be for another reason.

Next time you see some nigger who's actin' all uppity and thinking he can come inside the restaurant, instead of going around to the back door, like in the good ol' days, trick him into punching you first. If you can get past the fact that this mongrel sumbitch just touched your white skin, you can tear into his ass all you want, then. Just be sure you don't call him "nigger" during the fight, even if it is his real name.

Yeah, you're still gonna go to jail, but not for as long as you would have if you had done it the old way. What's important here is, that nigger still learned his lesson. He won't be eyeballing no more white women.

Yeah, Atlanta being toxic is not a surprise

Atlanta being the most toxic city in America is about as big a revelation as finding out that (name the celebrity of your choice) was gay.

During the summer months, some people have to choose between walking around outside and breathing, and if you're in the right spot (the Wesley Chapel overpass in Decatur is a good one), you can see the yellowish-brown haze surrounding the city. I don't know all of the factors that went into Forbes' report on environmental cesspools in America (because I couldn't be bothered to read all of their facts), but the smog that we're suffering through now is really all I need to know about. What more needs to be said besides, "BROWN AIR?"

If the Metro Atlanta area didn't have the forethought to try to combat BROWN AIR, then I can only imagine what else people are turning a blind eye to down here. After all, DeKalb County is the only place I've lived where people have to pay extra to recycle. Even Biloxi, MS lets people recycle for free. You know, since we should be doing it, anyway.

But besides that, in a shocking development, we've got a lot of cars on the road. I know most people might not be aware of Atlanta's CRIPPLING TRAFFIC PROBLEMS, but believe it or not, between the hours of 3 and 7 PM, folks are better off sitting at home than sitting in an 8-lane parking lot downtown. And legend has it that those cars sitting in traffic are producing tons of emissions that human beings can't breathe.

It's scary stuff, I know, since the auto industry has told us for decades that car exhaust actually cures emphysema and reduces stress (because you're high), but we've recently discovered that human beings aren't really supposed to breathe that stuff.

But since people here believe that trains are a tool of the devil, the problem of traffic has steadily gotten worse. People keep coming here because of our thriving industries, like night clubs and record labels. Since the train barely goes anywhere and no one has thought to build things in central locations (we really do love us some sprawl down here), they have to buy more cars and produce more of that sweet, brown, nectar.

Everyone knows that the non-expansion of the train system is the hallmark of cities that desperately beg to be recognized as a "world-class metropolitan area from the future." New York and Chicago have been getting it so wrong for years. What kind of idiot invests in mass transit when they could just as easily expand I-75 in Marietta to 11 lanes on each side? It does nothing for our traffic problems, while also doing nothing for our pollution problems! I mean, except "adding to them."

Yeah, Atlanta is blazing a trail into the future, if by "blazing" you mean, "engineering it's own collapse." Traffic is killing this city in more ways than one. Who wants to fight that traffic every day? Who wants to have a three-hour round-trip commute every day in the effort to avoid the traffic? Who wants to breathe smog? I know I don't. Atlanta has made me sick of driving.

Add to the train system. Build more lines. Expand into more counties. Build up instead of out. Screw the Good Ol' Boy Network and their backwards thinking. These are the same people that fought everything from abolishing slavery to higher emissions standards.

I mean, unless Atlanta likes being at the top of lists like this. If that's the case, keep doing what you're doing.

Roy Williams is catching T.O.'s "Diva Disease," idiots say.

Some people seem to think that complaining about your own performance in a team sport is selfish. After all, it's all supposed to be about the team. Terrell Owens is the devil himself for doing this, or at the very least, some sort of mythical figure of evil.

Roy Williams, Owens' "replacement" on the Dallas Cowboys, is likely to be the latest target of people who think like this.

He's disappointed with his performance throughout the season, and he should be. If it hadn't been for Miles Austin, Cowboys fans would have been wondering if it was too late to bring back T.O.

But there seems to be Ol' Roy's problem. From ESPN.com: "He gets the ball thrown correctly his way," Williams said of Austin. "I'm stretching and falling and doing everything. Everybody [else] who's been here's balls are there. Our footballs [from Romo to Williams] are everywhere right now."

And he's right. Romo and Williams just aren't on the same page. Romo is throwing behind Williams or Williams breaks off routes too early. And this is despite working out with Romo in the offseason, who believe it or not, actually worked out in the offseason. They were better when they were making it up on the fly last season.

Is he wrong for pointing it out, though? His team is 5-2, tied for first in their division, and can take the number one spot outright by beating the Philadelphia Eagles this weekend. Plus, he's rich, in shape, and plays football for a living. What the fuck could he have to complain about? Selfish prick. I'd sit on the bench and just be happy if they're paying me that kinda money.

See, that's what regular asshole sports fans say, not knowing the situation.

First of all, like always, a reporter asked the question and he simply answered it. He didn't call a press conference to announce that he sucks right now, because Fox is showing us that much for free. But most importantly, this has nothing to do with being selfish. He's happy his team is winning. In fact, ESPN.com said: "Williams stressed that he's pleased that the Cowboys are winning, but he's frustrated that he hasn't been more effective."

How hard is that to understand? Lemme put it in layman's terms.

Let's say you work in a warehouse, but you're just having a bad day. You're putting boxes on the wrong trucks, you're falling out of the scaffolding, and you just keep running over your supervisor's feet with the hand truck. But the company's still profitable. You just want to get through the day without injuring people. Including yourself. That's kinda where Roy is now. Everyone wants to be able to do their part for the team, unless they wash themselves with a rag on a stick. Those people just don't give a damn anymore.

Even T.O.'s drama came from that same line of thinking: "I just want to do my part." It's just that in his case, he believed that the best chance for anyone to win meant throwing him the ball. How was he supposed to know that he had hands of stone?

Not only that, what professional athlete do you know that doesn't want to play well every time out? These are competitive people who understandably get frustrated if they don't do well. What, do you think Michael Jordan punched Steve Kerr because of his geopolitical outlook? Getting angry at poor performances are part of what makes pro athletes into pro athletes, because if that anger is keeping you outside shooting jumpers in the rain, you're not calling into talk radio stations.

Pro athletes people are driven, trash-talking and obsessive, cheaters. Not to mention, bad losers and at times, generally bad people. We hate to see these qualities in people, but that's what makes them great. The only opinion that matters to them is theirs, not Nameless Sports Beat Reporter, who thinks he knows what they should be thinking. These people don't read the papers, anyway. Reading is for people who AREN'T living the dream. If I could run a 4.3, I'd have quit opening books in high school, too.

Maybe I'm crazy because it doesn't bother me to hear players talk like Roy Williams is doing now. Maybe I understand that sometimes, it's just not enough to be a part of the team, but a VALUED part of the team.

No, he's just being a diva. That must be it.

An Open Letter to Arthur Blank

Yeah, it was just a matter of time before this came up again.

Arthur Blank wants a new stadium. After all, the Georgia Dome is seventeen years old. That's 126 in professional-sports-team-owner years. To them, stadiums should be replaced every fifteen like clockwork, to keep the paint from drying. We're falling behind here in Atlanta.

But Mr. Blank is willing to wait until the Dome is at least 24 or 25 years old, because he's a nice guy. Until then, he's gonna start trying to talk us into partially financing the thing. He said that it would be paid for with private and public money.

He also said, "We want the right environment for our fans and for our sponsors," which makes no sense to me. I think he should just level with everyone and say, "We want to charge more money," because that's really what this is about. Claiming that "the Falcons are falling behind other teams in the NFL in terms of the experience for our fans," isn't fooling anyone, because the only "experience" fans want is for the team to "experience" winning.

Look, they're not building the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. It's a football stadium, and no one goes to a football stadium to admire the scenery. If anyone has ever found themselves in the Dome and the word "ambiance" crossed their mind or they thought, "The feng shui in here is all wrong," then I guess the original designers slipped up when they didn't build an art museum. They thought they were supposed to build a football stadium.

Seriously and honestly, does anyone care about how much of culture the Dome has inside it, and if anyone does, is that reason enough to spend a billion dollars on a new stadium when there's absolutely nothing wrong with the current one? People don't even notice how much they're overpaying for beer once the game starts, so I know they don't care about the number of restaurants inside. It's hard to admire the atmosphere when John Abraham is shaving a few minutes off some poor quarterback's life.

That's a moment where everyone has to decide what's more interesting to look at, and I assure you, the "John Abraham" part is gonna win out every time.

The only one who cares about this is Arthur Blank, because like in all pro sports, the owners are in a contest with each other to see who can get the most money from taxpayers to fund their vanity projects. "We'll call it Arthurmania, complete with a statue depicting the time I beat Lowe's into submission."

They always give the same excuse: "The team needs this to remain competitive." Competitive with who? Where's the other Atlanta football team that's stealing the Falcons' business?

NFL Football doesn't have any competition, except from within it's own league. And seeing as how the closest team to here is four hours away, it's not like anything in their marketing strategy is gonna affect what happens to the Falcons. If the Panthers built a new stadium tomorrow, it's not like Falcons fans are gonna go, "You know what? I like the Panthers new stadium better. I'm gonna start going to watch games up there instead." It's the Georgia Dome, not Cheers. You don't have to worry about Gary's Olde Towne Tavern and their wacky promotions convincing Norm and Cliff to drink there instead.

So Mr. Blank also laid this one on (which is a new one by me): The Falcons need a new stadium "to help Atlanta maintain its image as a world-class city." He is really laying it on thick.

Is the Dome falling apart? It's not exactly brand new, but they just painted it, replaced seats and gave it some other fine tuning. But I don't see any toilets backing up when I go down there. There aren't any blocks falling out of the ceiling or a recurring electrical surge to deal with. It's in great shape. I'm supposed to feel bad because there isn't a 60 yard wide HDTV in the center? No marble countertops in the bathrooms? Look, I live in an apartment where I can actually hear my upstairs neighbors walking around. I'm hardly sympathetic to their plight.

Texas Stadium will be 39 years old at the time of demolition, built during a time when we still believed our political leaders were honest. That's how old that stadium is, old enough to remember our nation's naivete. And yet, they stuck with it for 39 years. The Dome was built in 1992 and they're already proclaiming it "old?" The kids born that year are still in high school.

Really, if you're so worried about Atlanta's "image as a world-class city," Mr. Blank, you might want to try working on our sprawl and traffic problems. Build some high-rises down town or help fund MARTA. I don't think that the Georgia Dome is keeping Atlanta from embracing its metropolitan destiny.

Come on, Mr. Blank. Quit trying to be like the other owners. The Falcons play 10 games in the Dome a year. They don't live in the catacombs. They don't even practice there. I could at least respect your motivations if they were honest, but they aren't. You're trying to pull the wool over our eyes. There's no rush to replace the Dome. It's sturdy and it's in a central location. It's clean and it's not a deathtrap. That's all we really need in a football stadium. All you need to focus on is keeping winning team on the field. If you want to provide a grandiose spectacle as a monument to your own greatness (like the JerryWorld Domed Pleasure Palace), then build a casino instead.

Rush Limbaugh vs. Midnight Basketball

I don't know how anyone measures the results of programs like midnight basketball, but if the expectation for it was to COMPLETELY ERADICATE THE SCOURGE OF CRIME, then yeah, it's failing on every level.

I guess that's exactly what Rush Limbaugh was expecting, because he throws it back in everyone's face as proof that "liberalism doesn't work." I guess in Rush's mind, basketball was supposed to break through the stone walls around our hearts and unlock the love within, because if Rush knows nothing else, it's how to love his fellow man. Also in Rush's mind, right next to the Oxycontin addiction and catycornered to the racism, is the idea that midnight basketball is the only thing that "liberals" can come up with to fight crime.

So, since crime still exists in our post-midnight basketball world, does that mean we should scrap it and programs like it? No, idiot, because programs like these are giving teenagers something to do. Midnight basketball isn't a Disney flick, where there's a stern but loving coach who inspires his charges to completely turn around their lives, but if kids are in a gym playing basketball, you know what they're not doing? They're not fucking committing crimes. I know kids today amaze people with how quickly they develop, but even they have yet to evolve into beings who can be in two places at once.

I know the logic is hard to follow, because it makes so much sense, but that's the benefit of not being Rush Limbaugh. In his world (and those who have no idea what the world outside of gated communities is like), the solution is to lock down high crime communities and put everyone in jail. After all, if people act like criminals, they should be treated like criminals. It's very black-and-white to him, mostly because he's white and all the criminals are black.

I know it's hard to tell, based on the positive images put out by pop culture and the news, but all black people aren't criminals. All black people don't live in crime-ridden neighborhoods. Racial profiling doesn't work. Jailing drug abusers doesn't work. But all Rush sees is that black people are safely away in jail, not realizing that security wasn't gonna let us in his neighborhood, anyway.

He also doesn't see (or maybe he does) that prison has become big business. There's no benefit for prisons to rehabilitate ANYONE, because that's less people coming back to jail. And programs that help keep people from becoming criminals don't benefit prisons, either. They also don't keep people who are afraid of criminals sleep better at night.

After all, trying to help people better themselves is so "liberal." "Those people" can't be helped, because if they could, they wouldn't have gotten into trouble to begin with. They should have known better than to be influenced by their environments. If they were smart, they would have used school vouchers to get to a private school, so they can rob the white kids. Because it's in their nature to be criminals.

Ah, that wacky Rush. It's going to be interesting to see that exodus of black players once he fulfills his lifelong dream of actually owning a black person. What will your players be, Crips or Bloods?

Brett Favre won't let my hate die

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The Return of Flavor Flav

Flavor Flav is trying to get a show on TV where he goes back to school to get a diploma, because you can never have too many disruptive niggas in the classroom.

I know that this could turn out to be a positive thing. Flavor Flav is a public figure who might influence someone finish school. He dropped out in the 10th grade, and at the age of 50, has decided to get a high school diploma. On the surface, it sounds positive.

But let's be real. Flavor Flav, after traveling around the world, living the life of a famous music star, selling millions of records, starring in a rather successful reality series or two, and fucking thousands of women despite a face that looks like something that was lost under the refrigerator...after he's done doing all of that, has decided that school is an important priority. Really?

And it's such a high priority that he wants to air his high school adventures on VH-1, home of the groundbreaking "Flavor of Love." Groundbreaking in the same way that "2 Girls 1 Cup" is groundbreaking: You get to see that society hasn't quite hit rock bottom yet.

I really want to be positive about this, but it's Flavor Flav. No one expects anything intelligent from him, because he's fucking Flavor Flav. He wears a giant clock around his neck and has a mouth full of gold teeth. Expecting intelligence here is like expecting him to be a positive example of black manhood. And while I'm sure it'll help keep his own kids in school, I can't see anyone else saying to themselves, "I need to finish this paper, because if Flav can do it, so can I."

I want to believe that Flav will be an attentive student, who will dedicate himself to his studies and turn a brand new corner in his life. But I'm not that fucking dumb. That would make for some boring-ass TV, watching him be a functioning member of society. It's gonna be a half-hour of a 50 year old man continuing to set back Black America by being a clown again. Only this time...he's a CLASS clown. Zing.

As corny as that last line was, I'm willing to bet money that it was uttered at some point during the pitch meeting.

But what can he really say to kids? "Stay in school, so you can go far in life?" Ain't nobody trying to hear that from him. They'll look at him and think, "Didn't you have three seasons of a show based around women trying to fuck you, Mr. 10th Grade education?" Everything he's ever done appeals to what teenage boys want to do in life. I'd rather he just shut up and not say anything to the kids about staying in school. His existence destroys his argument and I've never known him to be eloquent enough to try to convince people otherwise. This is a man who's most famous quote is, "Yeah, BOYYYYYY!!!!" Not exactly Winston Churchill, you know? No one's gonna listen to him unless their goal in life is to go from "drug addict" to "STD minefield," and live to tell the tale.

So let's just call it what it is: A desperate attempt to stay relevant. If it was really about the education, he would have just done it and not tried to build a reality show around it. The only reason why this even came up is being his AutoTune-career didn't quite take off like he'd hoped. As proof that I'm not making this up...here.

Let the Democrats have their outburst

Rep. Alan Grayson of Florida has stirred up a shit storm recently by claiming the Republicans' health care plan is for people to "die quickly." I thought it was hilarious, because it's not a common thing for a Democrat to spout off crazy shit like that. Cynthia McKinney stopped being the "clown halftime show" of the Democratic Party a long time ago, and frankly, I miss it a little bit. It's nice to see a Democrat show some balls for once.

The Republicans are understandably upset about the whole thing, because they still believed that their plans were a total secret outside of their secret lair built into a mountain covered in lightning and darkness.

I'm not justifying what he said, though. I mean, filling the airwaves with blatant misinformation is what got us where we are right now. There are clear divisions between Americans, both racially and politically. We don't talk to each other; we talk AT each other. We're not working together for the betterment of our country and all that shit, because we're too busy trying to demonize folks and bring them down just to score "political points," like it's a video game. "If I can get that guy's poll numbers down 10 more points, I'll get two more votes on my crime bill and be able to put my initials in the machine."

Our political discourse is all fucked up because it's actually just a bunch of kids screaming at each other. Kids who are well-paid by lobbyists.

But can the Republicans get too mad at this? Shouldn't they be proud? After all, Alan Grayson (of the Flying Graysons) only stole a page from the Republicans' playbook. The one that says, "Pander to the lunatics."

It's exactly like how, from 2002 to 2007, dissent against the Bush Administration was akin to heresy in America. Anyone who tried to bring logic or clear thought to the conversation was branded as "unpatriotic," because everyone knew that Bush didn't read and people who did were clearly trying to show him up.

It's exactly like how, in the 2004 election, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and all of Bush's supporters claimed that electing a Democrat as President would cause us to be hit by terrorists again. Or how, in 2008, they did the exact same thing to get John McCain elected.

Or it's like the Birther movement. Or the Teabaggers. The Texas secessionist movement. Anytime Michele Bachmann speaks aloud. People claiming that President Obama wants the country to fail. "You lie." The victimization of Christianity in America. Or how just two days ago, Republican Rep. Trent Franks of Arizona painted the President as an "enemy of humanity," because of his views on abortion. What the hell is that about? Real "enemies of humanity" come from Europe, and everyone knows that Obama's from Kenya.

So, do the Republicans really have any room to talk about anyone? Not only did the write the book on outrageous statements from their elected officials, but they hit people with the book every chance they get. Mostly because they know that it's what their political base WANTS to hear. Doesn't matter if it's true, realistic, or even physically possible. The base runs with it, because now they have reason not to like the guy that they already didn't like to begin with. Two days later, Sean Hannity is editing video that makes them racist Satanists and Glenn Beck is an emotional wreck about "losing his country."

So let's not get too up in arms about Alan Grayson, Red Staters. It's one tiny shot that will be forgotten in a week, because this is so out of character for Democrats. It's not like this "balls out, having backbone" phase will last.

Let them have this one, Republicans. Really, until you get your own house in order, it's not like you have any room to talk.

There are worse things than a junk food tax, fat boy

Okay, so the word is, they're trying to put an extra tax on fast food and soda, because if you're gonna kill yourself with garbage, at least benefit the government in some way while you're on the way out. It's just like with cigarettes, I assume. Since a lot of people are gonna wind up on the taxpayer's dime anyway (at the hospital with obesity-related illness, but with no coverage), why can't the government get a little action on this, too?

But if anyone says the word "tax" people just lose it. They said "tax," not "sacrifice your virgin daughters to Chthulu." Not like most of you would have to worry about that anyway.

I understand that taxes has a pretty bad rep in America. After all, we fought Poppa England because we were paying a bunch of taxes, and got a catchy line out of it: "No taxation without representation." In fact, some people like to bring that line out anytime something happens in government that they don't like. Frankly, I'm shocked that President Obama hasn't had that one thrown at him more.

When it comes to taxing the stuff that has turned America into "Fat Bastard Nation," though, people are losing their minds before legislation can even be written. All they said was that they were thinking about it.

But if they did, would it really be that bad? I mean, calling it "socialist" right off the bat is kinda stupid, because the socialist thing to do would be to make everyone eat and drink the same thing, wouldn't it? "All foods are created equal."

Claiming that "government is telling you what to eat or drink" is wrong, too. They're not telling you anything. They're just saying they're going to charge a little more for MURDEROUS BURGERS, FRIES, AND DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS PEPSI. Doesn't change my life one bit. Mostly because I almost never drink soda, I don't eat fries at all, and when it comes to burgers, I stick to the dollar menu, because I'm cheap. And fat already.

But the tax...now that's the sticking point, isn't it? "NEXT THEY'RE GONNA CHARGE US FOR THE AIR WE BREATHE!!!" And that's silly, because it's not a rare commodity yet. But give it time. Our corporations are desperately trying to get it there.

Would the tax be so bad, though? Let's say they tax every 20 oz. bottle with an extra ten cents. Is that really gonna be the end of the fucking world? So, instead of $1.25, you're paying about $1.35, then sales tax on top of that? Grand total, maybe $1.42. Now, let's be honest: Is that ten cents really gonna break you? If you're that worried about ten cents, then maybe you should rethink how badly you need a lot of the things you're buying, let alone soda.

Not only that, if ten cents is the breaking point to the fragile house of cards known as "your financial situation," then where is this outrage whenever inflation drives the prices of EVERYTHING up? I was being generous with the $1.25 for the 20 oz. In some places, they're almost two dollars. There are vending machines at Six Flags that go as high as three. You're worried about ten cents when they're charging that much for a fucking soda without tax? It's the same soda as in the store, but you're paying for the convenience of having a soda at Six Flags! And they've got a policy where you can't bring in outside food, so unless you wanna risk catching a water borne disease from their water fountains, your only options are "pay the three bucks" or "risk dehydration, because it's August in Georgia." As some of my friends and family will tell you, I've gladly risked the dehydration.

But hey, that's okay...it's capitalism, right? Corporations can raise prices on their stuff on a whim, and that's cool, because the stockholders need their dividends, but the government can't tax anything without it being a huge problem. Ten damn cents. And that's likely a high-end estimate.

I'm not saying I agree with the tax, but we're fighting the wrong battle here. Coke added fifteen cents to their price and blamed it on gas prices. Now that gas prices have gone back down, logic would dictate that Coke prices would, too, but expecting that is like expecting Kanye West to be a positive image of black manhood. Sure, he hasn't gone to jail and doesn't have any outside kids, but he's the biggest asshole of all time.

Of all time.

I guess my criticism of Coke means that the greed centers of my brain are clearly underused. At least the government tax will stay consistent. All I'm saying is worse things are happening than a possible junk food tax, tubby. Fox News has really done it's job well, getting you mad at the wrong shit, because inflation has been fucking you over for way longer than that.